Dear Banya: TBC

Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast.

Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.

In the top top time.

We have a Dear Bonnie.

Episode today that's right for y'all's hard hitting questions, concerns, emails, messages.

We're here.

Can I tease one that we'll end with? Remember a couple of weeks ago we talked about there was a listener from I want to say another country named Lilah.

Oh that that she had kept trying to make plans was like her sister in laws and well.

The key was that she had said we were We wondered aloud how she found us? Wasn't she in Denmark? Amsterdam?

I thought it was.

We talked, Yeah, we're trying to remember, we're trying to like, we're brainstorming how she may have found us. Well, we have the answer to how she found us.

Ah, yeah, wow, that will be towards the end of the episode for letting us know.

Shall we just jump right into it? Shall it?

Shall we?

Shall?

We shall? Let's do it? Here we go from Taylor.

Oh, you're discerning from the top, Should I not?

Nope, That's what I like to do.

Okay, take it from the top, Taylor says, Hi Becatanya Mark and Eastern longtime listener here an overall big fan. I was recently burned by a friend and I'm having a hard time moving on. My wife wlw relationship and I let a friend move into our basement while she was going through a divorce. As Thanksgiving approached, we had to do some problem solving because we booked a dog sitter as we were going to be traveling. The dog sitter was going to live at the house when we

I think if y'all did hear that big of a favor, letting someone move into your home and crash is such a yes, a kind thoughtful thing to do for someone like that's a big undertaking.

Yeah.

And so for her to not even have, first of all, the respect of not offering to help y'all find a dog sitter or pay for one, or saying like, let me pay the cancelation fee. I'm sorry that that happened and that I changed last minute just kind of is exposing the type of person she is.

And maybe she's going through a lot.

I'm not saying maybe she's not her best self right now if she's going through a divorce and just trying to figure.

Out her life.

But I think maybe it's for the best, and maybe she did you a favor cutting off communication.

I feel like the best piece of advice I've ever received is take people as they are. I'll say it again for the people in the back. Take people as they are. Like Becca said, she may not be in her best state right now going through divorce. She might be, you know, frazzled and not dealing with stuff that with

Just learn moving forward.

She already asked her to pay she just hasn't.

She just already asked her to pay the fees, and she just stopped corresponding.

She's ghosted them.

So does she owe you? Yeah, probably stayed with you, used your home dog fees, whatever. But here's the quote that I like to live by, good advice I received. We've discussed this before. Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology that you never got. So is she sorry? Let's assume she is. In fact, she probably is. Maybe she's embarrassed, maybe she's not. Maybe even if she's not, you know what, accept her apology whether it happens or not, and you move on. That's it.

Yeah.

I think that maybe she felt embarrassed and isn't in a financial place to help pay fees.

But in a perfect.

World, she could have said, you know what, I'm sorry, I'm not able to pay those fees, like financially, is there any way else I can help you or do something to help you out? Because I feel really bad and I want to be a good friend to you. She might not have the capacity to do that or the tools to do that. And I also agree with Mark, like, there are just people in your life that you have to let go the expectation of getting an apology because you could waste your life and energy waiting to get

Yeah, my god, I need to listen to this advice. Honestly, I work myself up over.

Quite a lot about being treated poorly or treating others poorly in the past.

Yeah, about being treated poorly, but it's like it's never going to change. That person is the way that they are, and I just have to live with it, take them as they are.

Know. I one time had someone say something horrible to me, and like, after a few years, I finally called.

And was just explaining.

I explained my hurt to them, and I was still expecting an apology and dating of me an apology. And I had a moment where I was like, oh my gosh, I have spent way more time thinking about this than they ever did.

Yeah, and I have.

To let it go because I don't know that I'm ever gonna get what I thought I needed from them.

Damn. Take that advice put in my pocket.

This one is from her name for herself. She called herself almost thirty, flirty and trying not to dry heath here we go, Dear Banya and Mark and Easton. Last year, I celebrated my twenty ninth birthday by inviting a few friends to my favorite diner for dinner sweatshirts and sweatpants. Encouraged, A dear friend brought her new boyfriend. He is hilarious and he clearly loves her very much. One problem. He

Oh my god goes the same to this.

Take people as they are. You cannot ask this man to like not burp it. There's no Maral in which that goes over well, I think you I think you could ask your friend.

I could. I think you could have a conversation with your friend and be like, wait.

This reminded my birthday's coming up and reminded me of last year when Tom kept burping loudly at the table, like he's still doing that? Does that bother you?

And if she says no, it's so funny and cute, then what.

Then be like, people, can you ask him not to do It's gonna gross.

And then she's gonna be like, oh, do you not want him to come to your You don't want him around?

And I don't need to bring him around?

Then be like, I love him. He's so funny and everyone loved him. It was just the burping was a little jarring. Stop the conversation multiple times.

I agree, I think talk to the friend.

This isn't this isn't like a personality trait. This is like, he could very well not belch at the table.

I just don't see a world in which this goes over well.

But look, there's no plus one, so she has to call and say, hey, do you mind if Tom comes? Then you say love Tom. Tom's so funny, he clearly or however, however, the burping last year was a little much for me. Could we maybe give him an antacid or something to, you know, make it?

Did jamake it?

You say this now?

No?

I think this is when we were going to your birthday dinner and Robbie was burping like a sailor on Okay.

Let's say I didn't have a plus one and you called and said, Beca, can I burt?

What am I saying? Becca?

Can I bring Robbie?

Yeah?

I would say hey. I'd be like, yes, I love Robbie. Can you ask him not to belt at the table this year? Yes?

I would make it funny. And then you'd probably be like, what he burped?

And he literally was blowing the burps away. I would say it smells like roses, what's your problem?

You would not would Yeah, You'd probably be like, yeah, he does that because.

It would bother you too on some level.

I don't know about that.

Yeah, she probably yes, it would. She'd be like no, but I do.

I think it could be funny if you were if if she said like, what he did that, and you can be yeah, just let him know if he does it again this year, we're putting him at another table. Make it funny. Funny, yeah, lighthearted. I would say something that is disgusting.

You have a pepsid A c oh my god, slide it across the table. Funny, it's funny, it's not. It's not a nervous tick. This is an actual He's doing this on purpose.

All right? What are you guys? Thinks?

I say?

Just no.

Plus ones's another option from anonymous. Hi, beck Antani, I could you some help. I'm visiting my boyfriend's hometown and in a few weeks for a wedding. He will be the best man for the groom. Seems fine, right?

Well?

I was browsing the wedding website to look for the registry, and while doing so, I saw the bridal party information and come to find out, I see a name that sounded familiar. Yep, his ex girlfriend is going to be part of the bridal party. I gasped, because this was news to me and he hadn't brought this up. I'm trying not to spiral here is maybe this is something he just forgot to share or felt like it wasn't necessary. Should I ask him about the ex? Should I ignore

I've never had a deal with this. Have you had to do with this?

H I mean it's not quite the same.

I see what you're saying.

Yeah, I mean it's not quite the same, right, because it's it's actually not the same.

So no, I have not dealt with it that his ex is in your life.

Yeah, likes right, because there's children involved, so like I see her around and stuff like that. But it's it's different in the sense that, like my question to you.

Goes though, I feel like the bridal.

Party doesn't do much together aside from like take photos. So like, yeah, they're going to be like taking photos and stuff, but it's not like they're like hanging out and drinking, you know what I mean. Like the girls are going to be getting ready with the girls, the guys are gonna be getting ready with the groom, you know. Like I feel like there's not gonna be much overlap, So I feel like you shouldn't spiral too much because they're literally just gonna be taking photos together.

Listen, she'son X for a reason. You're with him.

Now, you're going to the wedding as his date. And I think that that there is nothing cooler than you knowing and not saying or in my opinion.

Yes, and he is not keeping this from you.

I agree. I think that he probably.

Couldn't care less and doesn't it even think about yeah, yeah.

And if if there's a moment at the wedding where you're like you see him talk like you're kind of like what's going on, then it's a conversation of like, hey, you know, I didn't know.

I don't even know. I don't think you say anything.

No, you're better than this anonymous you won.

I don't know that. I think you won.

One.

Yes, rise above to get involved in that stuff.

Unless she wants to like make a joke, she could make a joke like, oh, I didn't know, Betty Lows.

The joke always kind of like jokes for belching. The jokes are for belching.

Yeah, No, I think I think you just put on your best dress. Walking confident in her.

Yeah, oh you had a next name Martha Lou.

No you can't, you can't. You can't go down that path.

I'm just kidding.

No, no, no.

Just introduce yourself like nothing's just like more screams confidence, like a strong introduction.

Yes, yeah, Martha Lou.

I did that with Martha Lou.

Yeah. All right, I'm gonna tease this next one. Okay, oh yes, Radio one oh one, all right. Coming up next, we have a long time listener with an issue with her boyfriend and it's a location issue. It is a long distance potentially issue, and that's we're going to get into next. Perhaps you can relate to someone in a long distance relationship potentially. That's next on scrubbing in.

All right, we are back and we have a job predicament to handle.

Dear Beckattanya Mark, longtime listener, an OG bachelor fan here. I've been dating my boyfriend for four years. We lived together at a solid relationship, were in our late twenties. I'm from the East Coast. He's from the West Coast. He came here for a five year PhD program and he was set to graduate next May. I am in a master's program to become a nurse practitioner, set to graduate next May as well. Since the beginning, my boyfriend has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to

This one's tough because I feel like I don't know the intricacies of NP and like that job circuit because if you take if she takes the job there now and then he graduates in six months, can't she just look for another job in six months?

Summow is right that poo pooed upon.

Yeah, I don't know either, but maybe that is something I don't know.

It seems like a very compromise. Get a job now straight out after you graduate, wait for him to graduate, and then transfer after six months wherever he goes, or why.

Can't y'all stay for.

Like agree to a time, Like let's say you agree to stay there for a year, you get a job, you're there for at least a year, and then you see if there's a transfer opportunity, and that way, when he graduates, he can get a job or something, and y'all can kind of be in the same place while you're doing what you want to do.

With the potential of transferring somewhere else.

Right, I think you'd be giving to him by getting a job and waiting for him, and then he should give to you by kind of waiting for you, because I think a year at a job that's reasonable. Right to leave after a year at a job, I don't know. It seems like I don't think you'd be looked down upon if you left after a year, No.

Because I mean I think you just graduate, you get a job, and then it's kind of like, Okay, there's opportunities always to transfer and go to new places.

I guess there's a danger that this is going to be a great job. She can love it, you love the people she works with. She's not I want to leave so much. I guess there's danger in that.

I think here's the thing.

If you're compromising and you're saying, well, he finishes, then I think that he compromises and stays till you feel ready to move on too. I think if this is your person and you'll want to be together, then you're going to figure it out wherever you are.

How do you both feel about them spending say six months apart he leaves after he graduates. She does know the six months on the East coast? Is that dangerous as long as.

There's an end date, right, Like, as long as you have a goal to be together. I think it's problematic when you do long distance and there's no end in sight.

I think long distance is hard though, like I do, I think your relationship will experience the new challenges and if y'all.

It doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.

That's true.

But I don't know that if Robbie said, hey, let's spend six months apart, that you would say, if it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.

If he said spend six months, I'd be like, really, so you're not getting.

Out of that, But like, timeframe wise, okay. She graduates twenty five May, she gets a job, he graduates what I guess January twenty six, then he moves west. So you're looking at like maybe end to twenty six year together. That does seem like a long time from.

Now, but they're in their late twenties. They have time.

That's true.

If this is your person, then ye'll figure it out.

You're gonna and it might be hard, and you might go through some rocky time of you know, navigating what to do. But if this is your person, then the end will be all together somewhere.

I agree.

Is there anything to the theory that you should test a relationship like putting your relationship to a test like this. If you can survive this, he is definitely the one that you can survive anything.

Personally, I don't agree on these tests.

Well, I don't think every relationship. I think if you get through it, then yeah, it was worked out and y'all were meant to be because you put in the work to make it work. But I don't know that every relationship needs to go through an LDR to know if it's right or not.

Well, every relationship will be tested in its own ways. I suppose perhaps this.

Is yours has its test.

Objects, anonymous mother in law missing an action, Nope, made of honor, missing an action. I got my acronyms messed up. Hi Beckatania Market Eastern. I'm getting married next summer. My maid of honor has essentially ghosted me. For context, I named my two high school best friends as co maids of honor, and I have one other bridesmaid. My co maids of honor haven't always been the best communicators, but

But first of all, can you imagine I'm just like stop responding.

I'm like, well, I for one, wouldn't allow it. I would just keep texting until I got a response.

I mean, I don't know that that's the best approach to annoy the person, but you know, if all else fails, I just don't know if this is the person you want representing your closest, most supportive people in your life standing next to you on your wedding day like you're about sing a huge commitment in your life, and the person that you want standing up or you know, not physically standing up, metaphorically standing up there with you, is ghosting you.

I think you have your answer. Take people as they are as they are.

I know, but she's in a little bit of a picklenaw because she's already asked her to be her maide of honor, so now she's honor, so you think she.

I would just say, Hey, I feel like you have a lot going on. I don't want you to feel pressure. I I know I gave I asked you to be a maid of honor, and I I think maybe that what may have been too much for you to take on during this time in your life. So I would love for you to be a part of the wedding, but I also don't want you to feel like if it's too if there's too much happening, I don't want you to feel that pressure. And just maybe she'll respond

I do feel like there's become this like crazy expectation that like people have on their bridal party for like all of these things like basically like helping them like completely helping them plan their wedding, being so involved like do it. You know, Like I feel like there's so much pressure put on people for these things when we're all just trying to like live our lives and do our best and I think that obviously she cannot participate in the way that you want her to, so just

What I'm saying, get a dress or.

Just be like, hey, like if this is too much, I'm.

Totally cool with it.

I really actually am Mary May has been doing an excellent job and she's happy to take on the full responsibility. And that way, you don't have to like do anything. You can just attend the wedding, have fun, be there, celebrate our love. But you don't have to do you don't have any of the responsibility.

Yeah, I would just let her off the hook if that's if that's why she's not responding, But as a friend, aside from the nid of honor duties, I think it sucks that she's not responding period because she could communicate, like I just don't know if I have the bandwidth for this, and I want to be there for you, but I'm clearly not able to show it for you the way I need to, and.

She's not doing that. Yeah, I agree, So I'm bothered.

I'm bothered for you, but I think you just move forward, but they can't move forward.

Like with the bachelortte party, she's not you just.

You need to pay her portion, pay her out, pay her portion and cut her out.

Oh well, we've changed pay portion and cut her out.

Cut her out.

You're trying to plan the bachelor party. She's not paying, she's not responding. You got to get the show on the road. Circus has got to go to town.

So if she's not responding to you, give her a deadline. Do you say, Look, if I don't hear from you by the end of the year, we got to just plan this without you. And I'm so sorry.

I like the year, end of the week, whatever, whatever, like set a timeline when you need it, Like when you need to know, just say, hey, if I don't hear from you by next Friday, we have to move forward.

And I'm just I'm just gonna assume that you're not able to be.

That gives her an hour. Yeah, without making her respond, she can just ignore you and then then you have every answer you need. By the way, how do you feel about a bride planning her own bachelorette party? Is that common?

Allie? Basically did hers because she like wanted it in a very specific way, and she I would be like what about this? And she would go what about this? And I was a sounding board but she basically.

So not not that uncommon. That sounds uncommon to me.

But I don't guess if I would like to plan mine, you would.

I think I'm gonna plan mine?

Really well, why don't you just let them take care of it?

Time's a ticket, Mama's got to go. Mama's gotta go for.

A location and date which week last time we did the podcast?

You can figure out a date with all these people around, So I'm just like, we gotta go.

I them a date in the city and then Becka and Paulina plan the whole thing. That's what I think. You You do well? Let go Not as easy as that. Why why not for the.

We have some bumps in the road, do you Yeah?

I guess we're not going to talk about those bumps.

What there's just scheduling conflicts for different members of the bridal different members of.

The bridal party. So it's like, do I just.

Go on a weekend where everybody can attend and just say it's fine if people can't attend.

You know what I mean?

Like that's or do I just do it in a way where it's less aggressive and people can attend.

Everybody can attend. Does that make sense?

Yeah?

Kind of the bump.

That's the debate right now. Well, just let me know. I can't wait.

We're really looking forward to it, regardless of where we do it, whether.

Afar or we need to get the ball rolling.

Yeah, time, time is a ticking.

Okay, all right, Coming up next, we're going to tell you how Leylah found us. By the way, I was wrong, She's not from another country. I was mixing up I scrub her email. Yeah, but she's the one that we went back through March and April's guests to figure out who drew her to us. Okay, well we have an answer, all right, and it's next.

All right, we are back.

I love when people give us updates on things because we never do. We never come through with updates, but they always come through for us.

Lilah wrote to us for our last dear Banya, and we wondered how she found us. She said she found scrubbing in back in April. We were like, I wonder what that was? Why? In April of twenty twenty four. Did she find scrubbing in with Becca Antonya well? She wrote us back and Lilah said, thank you so much for answering my questions on the Dear Bonya to be continued episode, by the way, a classic, in my opinion, a classic. I wanted to reach back out to answer

My god, I was so cute.

I was so cute, the cutest ever.

Thoughts on TBC.

That'sn't TBC because people that don't know.

Yeah, so maybe I have to start with to be continued for a while as I get used to it, and then switch over to then like tuberculosis.

I think she's like ABC. She's saying alphabet.

Taking care of business.

Yeah, we're still troubleshooting.

To be continued though, Yeah, TBD, TBDBC.

I'd glad to have ParvE back on. I love PARV.

She's got a couple shows that she's been doing. She's on Dealer and O Deeal Island and then like one other show she filmed.

Are you excited about the New Traders coming up?

Yes? Are you?

I think so?

I think so?

Yeah, Roshelle Wells. I am excited to Seekshelle in Wells.

Who else Brendy Spears husband, Yeah, I don't know. Home there also Sam as Rocky.

I think the new what's the show where they do like really intense like Army.

So Fox it's on Foxes.

That cast is really good, better than Traders.

Survivors going to be on Traders too?

Oh my god, it's better and better.

Wow.

Yeah, it's a good cast.

Yeah, I'm still not going to watch that. But oh Jeremy from.

Survivor too, wow wow, well he says.

And Sam's Gowi is his name? I said it wrong.

Well, anyways, I'm excited about Special.

Forces too, that comes out next year, right, yeah, I.

Think a lot of shows come. I think we're in a dead season for nothing else.

What comes out the day after Christmas?

No?

Really?

No good Games too?

Oh yeah, yes, the perfect show to lift your holiday spirits.

I know it's so weird.

I thought it was weird timing too, but if you think about it, like the day after Christmas, like I feel like a lot of people just yea week.

Yeah, it's a good That's a big week for Netflix, I'll bet.

Yeah.

Did you finish The Housemaid?

No, but I'm getting closer now. I don't read. I do read a lot, but not for very much of the time. Yeah. Wow, Yeah, it's a quick read, but I like, you know, I'll refly like five minutes tonight. Okay, but it's very good. Yeah, the Houseman's had a nice littlewist and it's a good book.

Yeah, great book.

Yeah, wait, a book. Read that.

What am I watching right now? I haven't had much watch time. I've been watching Shit's Creak again for the second time.

What was your what's your weekend watch list going to be? Friday?

Carry on?

Carry on? Right?

Watch that I'm going to watch carry On too.

Honestly, it's really good.

I'm excited.

And then yeah, Shit's Creak it's better the second time around. Oh my god, it's such a good show.

Well we'll be back on Monday, Yes we will. So have no fear, even though the weekend is here.

We are not far. We're very near, to be clear, and to be continued.

No, you gotta keep rhyming.

I was done.

Don't did you say fear?

Yeah? Yeah, my stomach.

I love you, my dear

Okay, don't shut it, dear,