Scrubbing In with Beccatelli and Tanya rap an iHeartRadio podcast.
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Scrub a dub dumb webe a little.
Dear Bonia episode that we do. Oh sorry, choking We you.
Know how it started with me too?
None, it was more like the water down the wrong pipe. But I'll keep you posted on my glossy eyes. Yeah, let's get right to it.
Hey, it's from anonymous. Hello Bekatanya, Mark and Easton and the whole gang. I think that's the gang right, the new scrubber here. I've been dealing with an issue. Would love to hear your advice. I'm twenty three. I've never dated. I was fine with that until recently when I noticed all of my peers are getting engaged, in married, or are in relationships unlike me. It's so it's started to bother me. I've tried a couple of online dating apps.
Nothing has really come from them. At first, I would back out of the dates at the last minute because of my commitment issues, but I eventually got over that. Kept trying, but nothing it's worked out. Is it normal to have never dated at my age? I would love any advice from you guys on how to proceed. I feel like I've grown emotionally and I'm ready for a relationship. Side note, I'm Ukrainian and I have been living in Poland for five years now. Could a difference in mentality
be playing a role? I spent my teenage years in another country? Anyway, I love you all, Thank you so much for the podcast. You guys brighten my day every day. And ps, I'm on season one, so it's fun following you all from the beginning.
Oh that's fun.
Of the show.
Yeah, yeah, oh, we have seasons.
No, but I'm sure like from the beginning, I guess I don't know.
But it's funny that she's not going to hear the answer to this until like three four years from now.
I wish we did have seasons. That'd be cute.
Yes, now in two season three, I love that there's a Ukrainian woman in Poland listening to scrubbing again.
That makes me so happy.
Yeah, I love that's the cool thing.
Here's the thing. I did not date anyone until after The Bachelor. Yeah, and I was twenty six twenty seven, so I I personally see nothing wrong with this. I do think that when you're watching all of your peers and your friends going through these things and having relationships and having heartbreak and having these life stages that our society pushes and encourages in terms of like how life should go in terms of timing. I get where the
pressure comes from. And also if that's like a desire of your heart to ultimately be married and find your person. But you're so young, and I know that you're hearing this being like, oh, I hate when people say that, But I'm thinking I'm thinking back to when I went on the Bachelor at twenty six, and I was like, I'm going to find my person to get engaged. Maybe how crazy that felt in hindsight. I would have crushes on people. I would chase people, and then as soon
as they liked me back. I also had commitment issues. I don't know if that was because I there was something that I felt. I grew up in a very Christian conservative background. I was waiting for marriage. I felt very protective over my space and my emotions and my vulnerability, and I didn't realize that, but I think looking back now, I was scared of anyone getting too close to me, so I would run the other way if they showed interest to me. So I don't think you're behind. I
don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think if you're wanting to date and meet someone and have a romantic relationship, sure like put in the effort on dating apps and go out and you know, put yourself out there when you're out in public if you see someone you're interested in. But that also takes practice letting yourself be open to that.
In my opinion, I feel like I want to focus on that, is it normal to have never done all that in my age? Because I feel like normal is out the door now, you know what I mean. Like it's no one's doing things that are normal anymore. I feel like it's just we're so far past that. And I just want you to get that out of your head because I feel like you feeling like you're not normal is gonna hinder you in your dating life and
it shouldn't. You should not treat that as like any sort of insecurity because I don't think it's weird, and it's all in your approach. If you start dating people and you're like, I've never dated before, and you like approach it with that type of insecure attitude. It's gonna show where. I don't even think you need to. It doesn't even to be an issue. You're just dating, Yeah, just dating.
You're open to whatever, open to whatever, wherever, if it's when it's happened. Even think about, honestly, think about the people that you know or that you've heard about who have gone through a breakup and they're having to put themselves back out there. There's still a everyone goes through this feeling of like, oh, I'm putting myself out there, I'm opening myself up to rejection or someone getting to
know me. Like even if it's even if you've been in a relationship, this is a this is a very human feeling that you're experiencing.
So go into it with confidence.
Of like I'm ready to go, Like, let's see who number one is going to be.
I agree, nice, I like that.
I tell my daughters that there is no such thing as normal. Ye stop that, because everybody's got their stuff.
Everybody, many people you think are normal are so notice that.
They're working on stuff.
They deal with all of it. Anonymous, I've liked the same person for a year and a half. It's troublesome because she's my boss, and she's married. We interact closely every day because of the nature of our job, and I've overanalyzed every interaction. Our hands have brushed a couple of times longer than normal eye contact. She calls me nicknames. Sometimes we have one on one lunches when no one else does. I've traveled together for work, I've gone close
to her. My feelings have grown stronger. I thought after a year the crush would fade, but I've never been so attracted to someone or cared to spend so much time with someone and learn as much as I quit about their past and present life. I've thought about writing too many times, but I feel embarrassed in like a horrible person, because I know holding onto feelings for a married person is wrong and out of bounds. I justify to myself because I never have feelings for anyone and I want to hold on.
Too finally liking someone.
Do you think it's wrong to stay in my position with the feelings I have for my boss? Should I quit my job, switch departments see if the feelings fade. I feel I'm too comfortable around her in my reactions and interactions, too informal, and I'm afraid one day I'll cross the line of unprofessionalism because I have these feelings for her. At any point, is it appropriate to tell a married person you have feelings for them and that's why you're leaving a job. For context, I'm a woman
in my early thirties, old enough to know better. That's her words, not mine. Thank you for the podcast each week. Hope you won't think too lowly of me. We don't think lowly of you.
First, Yeah, we don't think this is you know, you're sometimes are.
Human.
Feelings are out of our control, but what is in our control is how we navigate them and act on them.
And I think that you need.
To stay far away from acting on your feelings with this one.
Yeah, I feel like telling a married person that you have feelings for them is so disrespectful.
I don't, but then again, it's like your feelings and you.
Can you can see it in her head right.
She says, Look, I have to leave this job because I'm in love with you, and then the boss says, wait.
But even that is messy.
It is even if it goes the way you want it to go, it's messy, and it's going to put you in a bad position.
I think you know that. Well, I don't know if this is a if anonymous is a man or woman, So I don't know if this.
Is a anonymous. Oh do you know that second to last sentence for context, I'm a.
Woman, Okay, okay.
I think maybe you try and date women because maybe it's I don't know the situation. If it's the first woman you've had feelings for, so it feels like really deep and really big. You're spending most of your time with this person. This is probably the most like connection you have with another person in an intimate, in like a close way. I think that maybe you start putting yourself out there to date other people, and I personally think that the way that it's leading you should potentially look.
For another job.
I just feel like there's something about the forbidden fruit, like for me, even when I'm single, Like seeing a guy with a wedding ring on, I was like, that's so sexy and hot, you know, so like there might be some of that going on with your boss, like she's married and like or you know, she's married and like I can't have her, and.
Like there's something to it.
So that also might be playing into like your like fixation on this fairy tale.
Yeah, it's it's a no for me.
I just think if you're if you are already anticipating that you might cross the line and the interactions are getting more informal, I just think it might save yourself so many things, either rejection, either getting yourself into this mess, or or just making a huge mistake career wise. I think that it might be best to find another place of employment.
Let me tell you, because here's the thing.
Robbie came home to me and said, yeah, my secretary said she has feelings for me. You best believe I would not be bejeweled that woman would be halfway across the four or five okay, knowing he's married.
No, you know what I mean, Like thatocating right, change jobs.
I don't think to say why she's changing jobs that. I think you need to remove yourself from the temptation because I agree. I think forbidden fruit and like the chase of something that's unavailable is very innate in us as humans.
I think, and look, keep looking her up on Instagram, keep a tab on her, just to see what's going on.
Maybe one day she gets divorced, and then you.
Can do not listen to that cool advice.
I think if she gets to if she is in a position where she's not happy in her marriage and the feelings are reciprocated, she needs to deal with that on her side before you're at all involved.
And she no, I know, I know, but I'm saying.
I don't need to keep tabs on her.
Secretary keeping tabs on Robbie, just in case you guys get divorced.
Guess what she can she she'd be waiting for a long time, locking his photos, engaging with him, responding to his messages.
No, no, no, no no no, it's engage. I just to keep an eye. No liking, no, stay away.
I think your best bet is to find somebody else. If you guys start dating somebody else and put these kind of this kind of energy into her, that would be ideal and then you could move on. But if that's not feasible, I think, yeah, you're gonna have to go somewhere else to work.
I just think she doesn't want to do that though. That's the drag. She does not want to chase jobs something.
She's got a great relationship with the loss, just in terms of one on one the relationship seems cool aside.
If you're going to stay at the job and you're going to have these interactions, I think you need to set boundaries and make the interactions more professional, less less informal, so that you are setting a boundary for yourself and for your boss. And if you can't do that, if you think you're going to cross the line, I think you remove yourself from the situation.
That's my advice.
And I also think you put yourself out there and start dating, because maybe you're seeking a relationship and intimacy, but you're getting enough of it, of a tease of it at work, so you have stopped putting in the effort outside of work. I don't know if that's the case, but we don't think lowly of you. I think you're having a very human experience. But I don't want you to get hurt and put yourself in a position of messiness of someone else's marriage.
Coming up next, we're talking age gaps.
Love it.
All right, we are back with an age gap question.
Hi, Bega, Tanya, Marc and easton day one Scrubber Here, I'm needing some advice. What do you think is an appropriate age gap to be dating someone? I'm thirty four years old. I'm starting to develop a crush on someone who's twenty five. Is that crazy? I know we're at different stages in our lives, but he is very mature for his age and has a good job.
I know.
If roles were reversed and this is a thirty four year old man dating a twenty five year old woman, it wouldn't be that weird. Am I overthinking this? Should I just go for it and have fun? Or is this age gap too much? Thanks for any and all advice.
I say go for it and have fun.
I don't love it, and I'll tell you why. That twenty five year old guy, he is not fully formed. I have a low opinion of young men. I'm sorry I do because I was one teenage boys are the worst. Doesn't get a lot better by twenty five. Thirty three great, twenty five not awesome. So my concern is that men. I mean, you say he's mature, I don't know in terms of maturity. To me, this is like twenty five to thirty four in this situation is like nineteen to
forty five. Right, you are fully formed. You are an adult woman who knows what she wants. And is not going to take any nonsense. He's all nonsense at twenty five. I could be wrong. But if you're just looking to have fun, great, go have fun. But if you're thinking of this as a long term commitment, I don't know.
I say have fun. I say you are aware of what could happen with a twenty five year old because you're writing and asking about it, so you know all the you know what could happen, the possibilities.
I love an age gap. I am in an age gap, and I'm all for it.
Let's go.
Yeah, But I guess age gap.
Y'all are both at an age where the age gap isn't as like A isn't as prominent in terms of like maturity and goal setting.
Who's to say I feel confident about that?
You do?
Yeah?
Based on Robbie at twenty five.
Robbi did not know him at twenty five. But I feel like Robby at twenty five was probably excellent.
That's very sure he was. But I'm saying you.
You at twenty five, that's another story. So that's another story. Me at twenty five, she was, she was, she was lost.
Listen, I think do your thing.
I just watched Bridget Jones diary The New Wow.
It's so emotional.
I've never seen a single Bridget Jones diary.
You never want not one.
Oh my, you should do a binge weekend.
So anyways, she has a relationship with a much younger guy, Leo Woodall oh yeah, yeah, yeah, love love and there you know, they they explore all these things. And I just thought it was so cute because he spoiler alert, but he kind of gets her back on her feet, you know, and and I think back in the saddle to ride the stallion and and have fun, and just just know that there could be a moment where he isn't aligned in what y'all are looking for long term.
Jump one it, let's do it.
Ride it my twenty five year old old, I say, get on it.
From a day one scrubber.
Hey everyone, I'm twenty nine and finally at the chapter in my life where me and my husband are trying to have kids. With that I struggle every day with imposter syndrome. I can't help it feel bad for any of my future kids that might get stuck with me as a mom. Is it normal to feel this way? It makes me question if I want kids or if I'm completely going to mess them up.
Love you all.
You put a smile on my face anytime I open my phone to a new podcast episode.
Mark, you're the only one who can truly speak to this as a parent.
One at a time. Here, I think it's very common.
I remember when my youngest was born in the spring, about six and they gave her to us, really.
Mean your oldest. Huh what I say, youngest?
Oh?
Sorry, my oldest is born. And I said, what are you doing? You're just gonna give this child to us. We have no idea what's supposed to happen here. And you go home and you're like, we don't know what we're doing. We're just morons. And there's a baby here and holy crap, well now she's in college. So you figure it out, and also feelings come in to you. The quote I always use is you think right now that you know what love is and what love feels like,
but you have no idea. When you see that baby laying there helpless in the whatever the cradle, you realize.
Oh, this is love.
This is a whole you unlocked the whole other level, and so that's gonna happen naturally. I guarantee it. I think my wife wondered if she would be a good mom. She's a spectacular mom so much, and now it's she's all mom. She's one hundred percent mom. She's such a mom, even the one in college. They're always talking. It's always the mothering never stops. And boy, that came out strong. Your natural maternal instincts are going to kick in and you're gonna be amazed at how well you do with this.
And also, so you are going to mess them up, because that's what every.
Parent does to their children.
As committed as you are to not messing them up, you will in some ways. They will be in therapy one day talking about something that you did as a parent, and it's all You're going to do the best you can and there's nothing you can do about that. But that's okay. They're going to love you no matter what. So I think you're gonna be great. Yeah.
I think you're going to be great too. And I think that you're even aware of this. And I also think if you're not already in therapy working on things that you feel impacted you as a child, that your parents did, like working on things that you've carried that you're scared to mess and putting quotes up, mess them up. Start working on that so that when you have a baby, you feel like you're at least working and healing on something that you are afraid of.
Yeah, And I think everybody has these feelings.
Yeah.
I was Ali.
I was with Ali last night, who's pregnant, and we were talking about She was like, I feel like you're so maternal, Like there's this natural like maternal energy that you have talking to me, and I was I was like, yeah, but I don't think that that makes a difference of how you're going to be as a mom. I think some people have a natural urge towards kids or I was surrounded by kids my whole life. It was like
very innate in me. But I also think it doesn't mean that you're going to be not like not a good mom, or the maternal instinct isn't going to kick in.
Yeah, Like I often think about when I think about being a mom, Like I think about the like the years from like five on, Like the thought of having a newborn baby that you have to like like we were saying take home not like that freaks me out.
Yeah, Like totally freaks me out.
That's what I got favorite.
You know, those dumb baby on board stickers people on the car and I always hated those and always make fun of them. As I was driving home from the hospital that day with Ali in the back seat, I remember thinking to myself, these people would not be driving so crazily if they knew I had a newborn baby in this car.
And I'm like, Oh, those are those damn spines. That's why they put those up.
Yeah, yeah, that that is what that's that freaks me out.
I was gripping that wheel of ten and two. I was so scared for the first time.
It's scared driving like my step kids and they're fully grown, Like I cannot imagine fully grown well you.
Know what I mean, not babies.
I could not imagine driving a newborn baby and a like a motorized vehicle on the freeways here in Los Angeles.
Don't feel bad for your future kids.
You're going to be amazing, amazing, so.
Lucky to have you as a mom, and they're going to love you so much. And just the fact that you're asking these questions is the indicator that you're going to be spectacular. I think we should take another break.
All right, we are back, and I think we have one.
She actually gave a name on this one.
Everything is anonymous except for this one from single Sierra him My sweet Friends.
Huh.
I've been a listener since the very first episode. It's crazy to reflect and see how many lives I've lived and how many monumental moments you guys have unknowingly experienced with me.
That's really nice.
I've gone through a long term relationship in that time, I was single for two years. I just got out of a six month relationship. I'm twenty six, and while that's obviously still young, it's hard to not be bummed at the thought of starting over yet again. But nothing scares me more than being with the wrong guy and
starting over even later in life. Just because I'm scared now, Tanya, you've helped me in more ways than you know in not settling, waiting for mister Wright, and to not fear that I'll be too much for anyone as I too lead with my heart and dive all in. With all that being said, recently getting out of this relationship, how long do I wait before getting back on the saddle, and not necessarily the inappropriate saddle, Tony, it's probably thinking
of right now. I'm doing fine because i've after he wasn't my person and it was my decision to end things. But the thought of talking to guys again in this moment feels icky. But at the same time, I want to find my person. I'd love your thoughts on this. Thank you for being my people all these years. Never stop the pod or I'll have to replay old episodes like I do with my friends daily.
Single Sierra, she.
Knows me too well, this Sierra, she does.
She called you out before you could even have the thought actually get back on that side.
She was about to go back and uncomfortable.
Rat it his pony. But that's not what she's.
That's not what she was wanting from us.
I say, start now, but now it's not now.
When?
If not you, who? If not here, where?
What are we waiting for?
What are you waiting anyway? Love me like you do, love me like you do?
Who?
Here's the thing, Sierrah.
Tell her get back on the saddle immediately, because here's the thing. Even if you if it's too soon, you don't want like I remember, I went on a zoom date with somebody when Robin and I were broken up, and I ended up talking about Robbie the whole date, and it's like who cares no harm, no fouls, do you know what I mean?
Like, yeah, he wasn't your guy, so it's like follow that guy way.
Yeah, and he's married with a baby now.
Actually this is the crazy Maybe we should get the guy on the podcast because I was talking about Robbie the whole date, and he was talking about his ex the whole date, and then he got back with his ex and is married to her now with the baby, And I'm back with Robbie about to get married hopefully soon have a baby.
That's the best booking I can imagine.
Isn't that crazy?
Yeah?
Yeah, I still follow him, but but yeah, that's what I'm saying, Like, I went on this date obviously was too soon.
I was still obsessed with Robbie, but it is what it is.
What was the timeframe of that, I don't know. I want to say it's maybe like a month after it broke up. It wasn't like right away, yeah, but it was like a definitely a month.
I think if you are even thinking about wanting to go out and date and meet other people, I say, do it like whatever you have drinks, you meet people, you'll be like. You might be like, okay, well I'm not ready for this. Or you might be like that didn't feel terrible. Yeah, let's do it again, right, get a free meal, free drin.
Now, nothing wrong with people?
No, no, there's not.
And maybe you go maybe go on a date with someone you're like, that's not my person, but maybe you become friends and then they have a friend or do you feel like the.
Most horrible dates that I went on and like my worst experiences are still like funny stories and like memory the plot, it's part.
Of the plot.
Yeah, for the plot.
Do it for the plot.
Single Sierra, time to get back in the saddle, jump on.
We say, if not now when?
If not you who.
We did have?
Like?
Is this an update this story?
She hasked for us that she thought you'd be sure a story story from Aaron Hi easton Mark, Oh, easton Mark, Tanya and Becca look at that.
Billing at me on the docket.
But of whatever I'm writing to you specifically because of something Tanya said a while back that stuck with me. I don't remember when, but Tania spoke about her belief that God always fulfills the desires he puts.
On your heart.
Don't want to share my story to preface. I was so I am so fortunate to have all of my children. I do not want this to come up as insensitive to people struggling with infertility or people whose outcome wasn't the same as mine. I've always pictured having a daughter, to the point that I started a baby girl clothing box before I even became pregnant with my first. Fast forward to twenty twenty four. We have two boys, the
lights of my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but this was the year to have our third and final child. We got pregnant, I prayed every single day for a girl. I took a blood test it was another boy. I am ashamed to say. I cried for weeks. I knew I'd love this baby like my others, but I couldn't understand why God would put this yearning on my heart and not fulfill it. I confided in a friend and explain to her that Tanya's words struck stuck with me and gave me hope for a daughter, and
I was so mad that it was wrong. My friend told me stop praying for that baby girl and start praying for understanding and belief in God's plan. So I did this, I became happy with the outcome. I bought the perfect blue paint, started designing a new nursery. I'm here to tell you with tears in my eyes, I'm currently holding my three month old baby girl aided James. I went in from my ultrasound and she told me I was not.
Having a boy. I was having a girl.
I made three ultrasound texts confirm it, and I did another blood test to be sure. God works in mysterious ways. I think the blood test being wrong was God's way of testing my faith. And with faith, God really does fulfill what he puts on your heart. It may not be how you envisioned it, but he does. Hope my story makes you smile. Thanks for being a highlight of my day twice a week. Love you, guys. And she
has attached a picture of her beautiful fan. Look at those two young guys in the middle swaddled up here.
That's such a sweet story. Thank you for sharing that.
It's so true though, it's so interesting because like I do, I do fully believe that that He fulfills the desires of your heart. They're put there for a reason. But you're so right that like it might not be. You just have to trust in the you know what I mean. Even if you didn't end up with your girl, there there was a reason for that, you know.
But that's beautiful. I'm so happy that you got your daughter.
Yeah. We love hearing from me all. We love stories like this.
And if you have questions that you need advice on or sharing stories updates, whatever it is, dms on Instagram at scrubbing in pot or email us at scrubbing in at iHeartMedia dot com. That's all for today, folks, All for today. Another week of scrubbing in.
Next week we're back and I test my ovulation.
Oh my god, stay tuned, Stay tuned, everybody. You know.
I'm excited because last month I was on day twelve after do the math, it was day twelve.
No, say this, save this for the pod. This is what you mean. Save this for the next week. Give the scrubbers something to look forward.
I feel like you're making fun of me.
I'm gonna say it.
Don't make it feels making fun.
Don't give it all the way right now, Wait till we can talk about it in depth and have an update on Monday.
I feel she'd make it fun of me.
No, I don't get that at all.
Secret will never tell you know you love me, xoxo, gossip Girl