Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rat An iHeartRadio podcast.
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Scrub a dumb a dumb.
Wow.
That had like a sensual jazz tone to it.
I'm in my ovulatory phase, so I'm feeling a little sexual and sensual today.
Oh great, Thank you so much for sharing with you all of us.
You're so welcome.
Thank you.
Yeah, okay, well prepared for that information, but I do appreciate it.
Did I catch you off guard?
Glad to know where you are? In your face? Yes, I think I'm ludial?
Oh yeah, pre period, Yes, a little in your feels uh not feels a little dark. I was a little dark, a little tired, very tired.
Yeah.
I also just got back from the Louisiana last night, so I'm like very tired on.
Top of just ludial tired. She Oh that's rough. But I'm so excited to be here with you. Are you so excited?
Want to talk about your trip to Louisiana?
Yeah, so I went to Louisiana to see my nephew. I if you are from the South, football is like a culture in the South, Like it is like you start him young, and it is game time from as soon as they start flag football till they're you know,
beyond that. So I have four nephews and all of them are in football, and I haven't I've gotten to see a couple of them play here and there, but they all play during the week, and this was the last week that they all had a game when I was there, so I was like, I'm just gonna head out there and see them all play. So I got to watch them all and it was so fun. My sister Katie, she's my oldest sister. I'm just amazed by
what she does with five children. Honestly, it's the schedule of getting the kids to school and then getting the kids to practice, and she has a baby that's won so she has a toddler that.
She's chasing around.
I was like, I am exhausted when I've done a couple loads of laundry.
It's crazy.
Yeah, seeing it first hand, I'm sure, because it's like you can imagine it, but then seeing it first hand takes it to a whole other level.
We also, I'm one of five kids, but we were all girls. We were four girls and a boy, so we were like flipped that, so it's like the energy is a little different. But also I was in it, so I don't know what it was like being a parent to it, but just thinking of the contrast of my life and.
Like the things that exhausted really were put into perspective.
Yeah, it's just like you don't even know.
Yeah, but she also is just like it's her, like she loves it, It's what she wanted. So it's very much just like, yeah, this is this is what this is every day and I'm like, wow, so.
You never aren't doing these things.
Yeah, it's pretty wild to like imagine, Like I feel like trying to figure out my own schedule is challenging in and of itself. Throwing in five other humans into that mix is pretty wild.
Crazy, But it was.
It was really fun and my parents droven so I got to see my parents too, so it was great.
Good times. Got back last night and here we are.
And you did you started celebrating your birthday.
Oh oh my gosh, thank you for reminding me.
So that's what I'm here for.
Just so, when I flew.
Into Louisiana, I got there at like eight at night, and so normally the whole family comes to get me, Like it's really cute because like everyone's there at the airport when when you land, and it was like my mom, my dad, my brother in law, one of my nephews, and then the baby Harlowe and the vibe was kind of weird, and I was like, did something happen?
Is ever?
Like everyone was talking kind of.
Weird as they would as they would.
And I asked my mom. I was like, is everything okay? And she's like, yeah, yeah, you know.
So then I get to their house and I walk in and it's like dimly lit and there's like the most.
Beautiful setup I know.
So my sister and my mom are so talented and like thoughtful and how they decorate and stuff. And it was an early birthday celebration and she did it and like it was inspired by love Shack Fancy and so it.
Was like bows and like it was just so beautiful. It literally looked like a work event dinner. Yeah, it was so pretty.
It was so cul So they surprised me and then they got me a gift. I'm really wanting to do a gallery wall in my house of just like random pieces, like things that mean a lot to me, So like framed art frame like that I did that like paint by diamonds thing, you know, and like.
Oh so just not like photos, like all different photos.
But then like I got this.
I found this print that says Chateau mor Mom, which is where Haley and I had like our drinks for the first time. So I want to frame that, but my mom and my sister got me a framed. It's like the music for Hungry Heart, which is Hailey song that she wrote about me. So it's like the framed like uh music.
Sheet, so like the what do you call it? Like the chords or whatever? No, so she had asked.
I had told my mom that I wanted to do a gallery wall, so they came up with doing like the chords for or Katie called and asked Haley, what's the song that means a lot, you know, a lot to y'all, And Haley's like, well, I wrote this one kind of.
About us, so that makes me emotion.
So it was really really special and if I felt so loved because God look at me, I feel like.
They were. They was just so.
Thoughtful and nice and unexpected and it meant a lot to me. So it was a really fun, special way to kick off my birthday and my nephews couldn't believe I'm thirty six.
So that felt nice too.
That feels yeah, that's what they think you were twenty six.
Uh.
He's like, I go, oh, what do you think?
I was like twenty two, obviously kidding, and he goes, no, like twenty like twenty nine.
I was like, okay, think I'll take twenty nine.
Oh my gosh, that is so nice.
I know, it's really it was really really special. I feel like my sister and my mom could have an events company, Like if they lived out here, I would hire them for so many things for like the things that we do at home and stuff. Yeah, the dinners you host alone at your home, you could really put them to work.
Really could put them to work, because the aesthetic is not my forte. The vibe and the food we got that vibes and the food, but the decor is not. I'm not a green.
Thumb speaking of we had a very exciting time at your home celebrating. We celebrated a party at your house because you said yes to the dress.
I sure did.
Wow, she has got the dress.
She's got she's got the dress. Yes, it was really nice. And you know, what's what I'm really like loving about all of this is like there's something and I can't even imagine what it's going to be like at my wedding. But that's like the one thing everybody says about your wedding that's so special is like seeing all the people that you love the most like together and every step
along the way. Because it was like the dress appointment, so I had you there, had Paulina there, my future mother in law, my mom, and my sister, and having you all there for that was like so special. And then being able to like go home and have like my dad and Robbie's dad and the kids and you know, just like all of us together eating together, and his
cousin and his aunt. It was just like really really special getting to just like see everybody interacting and like you playing basketball with the boys and like them like really bonding with you, and like, I don't know, just like I'll never forget that night, you know. So I'm just trying to like really like soak in all the little moments because it's really really cool.
Yeah, it was really fun.
Yeah.
I love his kids.
They're so cute and they're so well mannered, and I was so impressed because one of them came up to your mom and he was like, Oh, I didn't see you come in.
It's good to see you. And I was like, Oh, how do you learn this?
That this?
I didn't know that they.
Did this still, so it's such a testament to how they're being raised and the kind of boys they are.
So that's so I didn't know that.
That's really really cute.
Well, like, now that you feel like you have the dress, do you feel like because that's like that's the official thing that we've said like yes to so far.
Yeah, And that's like the thing that's the one thing that everybody stressed me out about the most is the dress, Yeah, just because it takes so long to get it. You know, like, really, you can get married tomorrow if you wanted to. I mean not really tomorrow, but like you can you could
get married. Yeah, true. But it's like the dress is the thing that takes the longest, right because everything else you can kind of line up and you know, flowers and decor and food you kind of like, you know, you can do closer to the date, but the dress is the thing that you need like the most. Lead time, right, So that was what was like really stressing me out. So that was like a huge like check, you did it. I did it well. And I'm really learning through this
process that I have. I'm very indecisive.
Do you have libra? Are you libra in anywhere? Are you anywhere in your chart?
I don't know my chart. I'm just a cancer.
Oh my gosh, I is not you know what's your tati.
Misstating?
Miss Tati is a fraud. I don't even know her.
Rising And now no, I'm coming there might be some libra.
Really, I have libracisive.
Yeah, I've never actually, no, I have been this way. Like when it comes to dinner or stuff like that, I always defer really to like whoever. Yes, I learned that in Chicago. Yeah, but I've never thought of you as being that way. And until that trip where I was like, oh, like I'll know what I'll eat, Like I know what I know what I'm going to order when I go there.
Yeah, you're decisive on.
What you get once you're there, but making the decision and like correct the general group decision, you're not going to be the one to do it correct.
And I don't think that's a great quality to have because some may say it's very go with the flow and very like chill girl, which is great, but also indecisive is kind of annoying.
Well, it depends on who you're with.
If you're with someone who's decisive, that being indecisive is fine because they get to like lead the way. If you're with another person who's indecisive, it's just in Chicago, yes, yeah, and one of us has to step up. And that's how Laura, my other best friend, is the same way.
So I'll be like, what do you want to do? Like she comes to visit, I'm like, where do you want to go? What do you want to do? And she's like, I'm good for anything. And I'm like, but I live here, what do you right? She's like, whatever, you do anything, So you know, we just go.
Around the circles. Yeah.
So anyways, well that's good to know going into wedding planning because then you can be prepared for that.
I know. But I've like himmed in Hot a hundred times about like bridesmaid dress colors and like it's like, just decide. It's really not that big of a deal.
Yeah, No one cares about what dresses.
They care about what dresses you guys are in.
You won't, Yes, you do, you won't. Yeah, Like whatever you choose is gonna be great?
Or will it?
It will?
There was a moment where I was an Emerald Green, an Emerald Green bridesmaid bride. I was like, I'm not an Emerald Green girl.
Yeah, You're really not, And I was fully there was like a four day period where you guys were all in Emerald Green.
Well yeah, okay.
Well maybe maybe we passed some of those.
Maybe you have two decisions and then you let like paul I feel like Pauline is a good.
Decision making, good decision making, and let her be the one. Well she she also was signing off on the Emerald Green.
So maybe I need to step again. It really practiced.
It was like and even Sophia was like I love Emerald Green. I was like great, everybody was like loving it. And then I was like, I'm not an Emerald Green bride.
Have you ever worn Emerald green? Never seen a.
Green right now? Which is kind of weird? Is his mom green?
Mom?
And what is this?
Jay?
Uh?
I don't know, like moss mossy green perfect?
What I was going for but yeah, so I'm realizing that about myself a lot in the past, Like i'd say the past month, I've really been noticing it and I don't love it about myself. So really going to dig into that in therapy.
Well, it's like you almost have to start going.
It's almost like you have to shift your mentality of being decisive being a negative thing and being more like if someone has an issue with what I'm going to choose with my decision, then they need to speak up about it.
Maybe it's a little bit of people pleaser in me because they totally because.
You think it's like, oh, I'm I'm just being easy for everybody. No one can like say anything like oh I was difficult because I'm just going with the flow. Whereas if you just make a decision for me, if someone's like this is what we're doing and this is what time we're going, I'm like, I thank you right for doing that.
But it's weird. So I think that's what I think my whole life, I've just been told like where to be at what time and what to do? Do you
know what I mean? Like almost I don't want to say show pony, but like a little bit like that, and my wedding is like fully my responsibility, I mean, me and Robbie, but it's like us, you know, and so I'm like going into all these things of when you do destination, like you feel really guilty about like making people go somewhere, you know, and then you can kind of go back and you're like, Okay, but this is what we want, this is the vibe we want.
We love it here. But then you let all that other stuff creep in and it's like it is it's all about people pleasing, and then it like makes you feel very indecisive and like I don't like it. Anyways, After this podcast, I'm gonna go home and I'm just make some decisions.
That's right.
Yeah, A dear about them? Yeah, yes, thank you so firm. You can do it, thank you, And I don't feel good to do it. I think it's gonna feel good too, because I've already decided I want you my bridesmaids, and like cream, oh cream, what was it the color I sent you?
Like the kind of light pale yellow?
Yeah? Yeah, cream, light pale yellow, yeah, water cream, butter cream, yes, butter cream. That's that's the bride. I am a butter cream brid butter cream bride with my butter cream brides maids.
Yeah, yeah, well I can't wait to see the butter cream dressing it to You.
Can wear whatever you want.
Butter cream feels like a niche color to mine. So byan decisiveness is about to flare up too, is it really?
No?
No, No, I'll be fine.
I'm sure finding winding them and then dispersing the link.
Yeah, tell her to make a power point. Yeah, this is what I envisioned.
These are different options, everybody here, you go.
Well, I definitely will be needing a spread dance.
Before we go on to our dear Bonya. I would like to acknowledge that it is a big birthday today.
Yes, it was yesterday, so I would.
Like to I mean, it's just uh Becca and myself and Emily in the room, so it's going to be a bleak happy birthday. But nonetheless, we do we do need to engage in the birthday songs. Yeah, every direction. Yeah, so Emily take it away. Birthday here. Maybe let me swing this over to you, so that's not dead air.
Happy birthday to you, Happy ber dear bac.
Hap b birthday.
Did you make a wish.
Yeah.
Wait, those were trick candles. They're supposed to like back up the tricky.
Way.
That's funny.
Hey, I got relight candles.
They're supposed to That means you can relight them.
Oh I thought they were tricks so that they were gonna keep lighting back on fire. Dang.
Shoot, I think they're just saying like, oh, you don't have to you can use them again.
Oh I thought I have funny I know.
I thought we're gonna have a really funny maha moment, and I just but.
Instead you get to take those and reuse and reuse me.
Do you want to make another wind? Did you make a good wish?
I mean a good wish you did?
Do you want to make another one? I can relight those.
No, No, I feel like rewishing on the same candle as bad luck, even though you can relight it.
Are you superstitious like that you're doing now? Ever since Jenna and Joe, who am I?
I've imagined she would say don't take that on?
She did, she'd probably say don't don't take that on?
Yeah, And here I am too, tootooing my forehead.
Wowway, how was your back from Danny lifting you in the Archer post.
I'm not gonna lie.
I feel great.
I think he, if anything, was really uh giving his all. Yes, And I'm no Whitney Carson, so I don't think it was just a quick little jaunt up for him.
Whitney, I was rewatching the video of her laying down and she had her back arch so much that I was like, my body does not do that from the ground the strength, So Danny.
Told me to stay stiff as a board. I think, or maybe it was just my leg.
I think it was your life.
But you committed because your back looked like it was had a rod in it.
It must have been really hard for him. Huh.
He was like me nothing, because you're like thrust with your hips. First.
I watched this whole tutorial on it.
You just like literally use everything he had to like pull.
You straight up, and I'm like, you can do Yeah.
You were just like you got it. Come on anyway. Anyways, it's a Dear Bonny episode. We just wanted to give a life update.
But we're gonna take a break and then we'll we'll be back with the Dear Bonya. Wow, all right, we are back. So it's just it's Tanya, me Emily, and we're all just it's a girl's girl's world.
Here, girl's world. It's a girl's world, and you're lucky to be living in it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh.
I never I didn't sing you your song. Another year has gone back and I'm still right by your side.
That was so funny.
I'll never forget that, Tanya saying it till Laura on the couch when she is visiting, and Laura goes.
Oh, so.
Okay.
This Dear Bonya is anonymous and the title.
Is Feelings for a best Friend.
Hi, Bonya and Neaston, Mark and Easton need a ship named too, but.
They're not here.
Yeah, longtime listener. I love the podcast and all of you. I have recently caught feelings for one of my best friends. It's a female friend and we are both queer. I do not know whether these feelings are reciprocated, and regardless, I have no intention to act on these feelings or tell her how I feel. This is for a myriad of reasons, primarily because I do not want to ruin the friendship. My question is, how do you get over someone you never even got to be with? Have any
of you ever experienced this. I've been trying to go on dates with other people, and I hope that if I meet someone new, the feelings will fait. But I find myself comparing new people to her, and I get really caught up in the what ifs. We have such a deep understanding of each other, and every time we talk or catch up, these feelings resurface. I'm worried too, that if I get into a relationship that it would be unfair to this new person if I'm not over
my friend. But I also feel like that may be the only way to move on.
My advice might be not what she wants, but I think go for it.
I think so too, because guess what, spoiler alert.
The minute she or you get into a relationship you relate, your friendship is going to change no matter what, right Like, That's just how it is, even in not not a queer relationship, you know.
I do think it complicates things a little bit when it is women like it is women being friends like, because there's no excuse unless her new relationship, the person she's in a relationship with, knows that she had feelings for this friend. Then it becomes a problem because a person's like you can't go and like have slumber parties someone that you had strong feelings for, but if they don't know, like if she just keeps it buried down, It's like that fine line.
It does have an interesting element. It does because I feel like with male and female friendships, if you have a great if you are into men and you have a male best friend, the minute you get into a relationship that a male friendship is yeah, totally changes.
I mean, I mean, I'm not saying everybody.
Some people might be able to make that work, but typically it's like there's just a shift.
In the friendship.
Yeah, like if you guys are tight hanging out every day, like spoiler alert, you're not gonna hang out every day.
But I agree, I think even if like take the queerness out of it, if you were hanging out, like I had a friend who was a.
Guy friend.
He was one of my best friends, and he ended up telling me he had feelings for me, and it was just kind of like there was some space needed to you know, move on from that and figure out how to be friends after that information was shared. But I think the ultimate thing was like I don't want to lose this friendship. But I think it was important that he told me how he felt, because if you don't say anything, how will you ever know?
And you like the what is?
Could you imagine living with that?
What if that's what I'm saying? I mean?
And you might tell her and she she might be like, oh, I feel the same way.
I was so scared. I didn't want to ruin the friendship.
Or she might be like, you know what, I love you so much, but I don't see you in a romantic way, but take the space you need. And I'm always like, we're always gonna be friends, you know. I think it's just it's going to weigh on you and eat at you if you don't say something.
So I say go for it.
Yeah, because like, play out both sides the worst that can happen, and she doesn't have feelings for you, and then you never have to live in that what is?
Yeah, then you can really move on because then you don't feel guilty about thinking about what could have happened.
And then the best case scenario, she feels the same way, and then you could have the greatest love story of all time.
Or she might be like, oh my gosh, I've never I need some time. I've never thought of about it. Yeah, and she thinks say that I do have feelings for you, so I think you say something.
I think you say something, and good luck.
Please report back.
Yeah, do you want to do the next?
Next one feels girthy.
It's a sister in law wedding drama.
Which, oh, okay, let's see. My name is Patrick and my wife, Jessica, is a longtime listener, and now I'll also listen when we're traveling or just hanging out on the weekend.
Thank you.
I am thirty three years old and my wife is thirty one. My wife's sister is my age and is getting married in September. My wife's sister, so his sister's drama. Oh, right, before I start. My wife's sister, who is getting married, can be a lot. She has an old time friend that she has made her man of honor. I'm pretty sure they had a fling before she met her now fiance. She's including him and all of the things. My wife's other sister is the actual maid of honor, so no
one knows what this man's rule actually is. He's in group text and making things uncomfy. By the sounds of it. By talking about getting drunk, et cetera. The bride invited this guy to the bachelorette party that is taking place over a weekend in Michigan. My wife is uncomfortable with a straight male whom neither of us has met, going to this bachelorette party where it was thought to be her, her other sisters, and a couple of the bride's friends.
It is understandable why everyone is uncomfortable with this situation. I am uncomfortable with this random guy trying to get super drunk around my wife and my sisters. Am I being overprotective over my wife? Or should I tell the bride he's got to go? Because this is very weird behavior to have a guy that you might have had a fling with be your man of honor. I also think it's disrespectful to the bride soon to be husband.
Ooh, this is interesting.
Patrick. I love you because you're a scrubber. This is so not your place. What do you mean it's not his place. It's his sister in law's wedding. If she wants this man of honor, that's her call. It's not his call. If his wife doesn't want to go to the bachelorette because's uncomfortable. That's her call, that's her decision. He can't step in here. He's gonna be I think, not gonna be good.
Yeah, I agree.
I think if your wife is having an issue with it and she doesn't feel comfortable going, I think that's a conversation that she needs to have with her sister so that there's just.
Boundaries set and there.
It's like it's not coming from like the chain the telephone game of like I feel uncomfortable, my husband feels uncomfortable, so I'm gonna say this.
You know, it's more like I feel uncomfortable. I know this is your.
Friend, but I don't really understand it's gonna be a bunch of women celebrating you and bringing in a straight man makes me feel a little bit like uncomfortable in this situation. So I might sit this one out and that will probably cause some tension and drama.
It's also her prerogative, Yeah it is, but.
I think it's both of their I think it's the sister's prerogative. But I think if they're all sharing, like are they getting are they getting a house?
Is it like that is taking place over a weekend? It's a whole weekend, right, it's a bacherette weekend.
They're going away and.
The house. Yeah, I don't know. How do you feel like Robbie would think if you were?
If you if I'm I'm gonna invite Brad.
He's on straight though.
True, that is true.
Like, let's say you invited someone that you went on a date a few dates with.
Or had feelings for.
Who would that be?
I don't know one of your doctor screen time, doctor W, doctor W. What would he do if you were like I really want doctor W to be at my bachelorette party, and I.
Just would never do that.
I would never do that.
But what I'm saying is again it's the husband should step in and say, hey, I don't want this bro coming to your going to your bacherette. Like it's on the husband, it's not on the brother in law.
I actually guess, yeah, if the husband or current fiance is okay with it, Yeah, I guess to each his own CORECT maybe.
The open relationship.
Like you don't know the inner workings of that. So I say, Patrick, we love you, and we love you so much.
We love you so much, and we love your respect, we love your concern.
For the situation, concern, and we love you, but.
I think this is for your sister and her sister. Yeah, and that is for the groom and the bride.
Yeah, you gotta tap out, you gotta say.
I also agree that it's weird, right, it is very weird.
I just couldn't even picture. I could not picture. I couldn't picture it.
Yeah.
No, not even a guy that I went on dates with, just like even a guy friend. I don't even have any guys like Robert Graham. We always always go back to Robert Graham. Imagine I invited Robert Graham to my bachelor atte party.
That'd be uncle rule for.
Many, right, right, But anyway, love you, Patrick.
Love you, Patrick. Good luck.
Okay, we're gonna take a break and we have another one coming and it's the title is seven year Relationship Ending.
Oh man, all right, we are back.
So this one is from anonymous and it says, last week, very unexpectedly, my girlfriend of over seven years told me she wanted a break from our relationship. We've both been going through a lot lately. We recently moved across the country to a new city, and she's been struggling to make new friends, on top of having to cut off
communication with her parents for their toxic behavior. For me, work has been very stressful and has taken up a lot of energy, and I feel completely out of my comfort zone since moving.
Despite this, I thought we were solid.
We've been through a lot together and we've always come out of the other side closer and stronger. But last week she told me she felt like something in our relationship is missing and that we can't give each other what we need. She feels like I don't fully understand how difficult things have been for her and that she.
Can't lean on me.
She asked for a three month break, but to me, it just sounds like she wants to end things.
I am utterly devastated.
I know I've struggled to be the best version of myself lately, juggling work and adjusting to the move.
But I love her so much and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her.
We've built a beautiful life together that is so intertwined. I'm terrified of what the future looks like without her in it. She's the first woman I've ever been with and the only person I've ever loved. I can't imagine ever having a love like this again. I feel like my life is over. I don't know what to do. I booked a flight home to my parents the day after she broke up with me, and the only thing that kept me from being a complete and total mess
on the plane was your podcast. Oh thank you back to Tanya, Mark and Easton for the comfort and.
Laughter you all provide. First of all, I'm so sorry this is ok here.
Is this a guy or a girl? We don't know.
I'm guessing a woman, but.
We don't know.
We don't know.
I was gonna say.
She's the first woman I've ever been with, so I'm assuming.
Okay, yeah, yeah, context clear, there you go. Yeah yeah, yeah.
I think seven years to invest in a relationship is going to be devastating, no matter what the ending is or who you are or why it ended. I think it's just it's devastating. I think when you put that much knowing what it takes to have a good relationship and the effort and like the energy that you put into a relationship to know that it can be over and it's not your choice is a really.
Devastating. Yeah, it's really traumatized.
And yeah, I just think.
It's it's part of life because you see how resilient you are. And I think in your mind right now, like you said, do you feel like your life is over? But this might be the beginning of something amazing for you.
Let me tell you something, Anonymous, you deserve so much better than someone that's gonna be with you for seven years and then ask for a three month break. I'm sorry, you deserve better than that. It's been seven years, but you're looking for seventy years. You're looking for the person that can take you the full lifetime. And this is not her. She is not worth your time, she is not worth your energy wanting a break. I'm sorry. That's
not what a relationship is. Yeah, I can't just say I sorry, I ney a three month break and then I'll get back to you.
Like.
No, I'm not like a I'm not a pink carton of milk in the refrigerator you can just put aside and then come back to me when I spoiled. Spoiled, Yeah, milk wasn't the right Uh.
I'm not a bottle of wine.
I'm not a pair of winter boots that you can just put in the back of the closet. During summer and then just after three months bring them back out and wear them again.
Right, Yeah, you can't do that. You're not that.
You're so much better than that, And that is a that that partner is somebody that is weak, and you deserve somebody that is strong.
I think that.
I also think that it sounds like y'all have recently gone through a lot, and I don't know if.
Y'all have tried couples therapy, but I also think if she didn't.
First of all, I think asking for a three month break is strange because why three months?
There's something there, Like there's something there that we don't know. The three month break makes me feel like she wants to have her cake and.
Eat Yeah, Like, what are the boundaries of a break.
Dance?
What does a break look like? Because it sounds like if she wants to be broken up, she needs to be very clear with you because you shouldn't even hold on to hope that there's going to be a rekindling if that's not her intention. And I also think that I had a friend who was with her girlfriend for I think like five years and they broke up and within a year she met the love of her life and literally just got married yesterday, my friend Sierra, and it was like there was a sense of, oh my gosh,
I'm devastated. This is you know, ended, and but then something beautiful came of it and they're both happy. You know, they're both split up, but they're both happy.
And sometimes look at people who get people get divorced, they're married, they go through a really bad breakup, they go through divorce, and then their lives are even better post divorced. They didn't even think that it could be loved like that. Yeah, So I think that this is.
I think let yourself grieve your relationship and let the people, let your parents, the people who support you and love you like really surround you right now, and really learn how to be by yourself during this time, because this is a chance to learn who you are and what you're looking like, because all you've known for seven years is the person you were with this person. And I think that it's okay to be sad right now, and it's also okay to be hopeful that something better is coming.
I agree, And we love you. We love you so much, Anonymous, so much, all right, Tanya from Ashlynn, Hello Tanya Beckham Mark and Easton. First, I wanted to say thank you for this podcast. I listen in weekly and it always brightens my day. Also, I would like to say I'm a Tanya todt Hey. I feel like I'm a Tanya when she was single before Robbie, and we seem to
have a lot of similarities. I'm thirty one and living on my own and I have been through a dating role coaster that I can't seem to get off of, though I have done all dating apps, been to speed dating, singles, night events at bars and restaurants, a dinner event with seven strangers. Sadly, four out of the seven strangers were married, and this totally sounds like me. And I've even hired a matchmaker, which hasn't been going well. Wow. I'm looking
for a man in the same stage of life as me. Single, career driven, ambitious, no kids, but wants kids and marriage and good personality and family oriented. My question is for Tanya, when you were dating, did you have a set criteria that you were looking for in a partner, i e. No kids or some religion upbringing. And if you did have a set criteria, when did you start opening up the criteria to meet more men that you weren't necessarily dating,
but then ultimately led you to finally find Robbie. Please help. Thank you so much.
I feel like there is a podcast episode that someone sent us where you were like, divorced with kids is total like you were not that was totally fine for you. That was never like a criteria.
Breathing alive, single single, single, breathing alive, wears clothes in public, has a job.
You know.
My criteria was basic. Could not have been more basic. So really, my advice to you is, let's not have criteria. Let's throw caution to the wind and not set up those boundaries because guess what you're gonna I do feel like at one point I did have a list. Remember my list was like what.
I of all my dream man?
Right, your dream man? Right, You're it comes at too fast. My list was at the top of my list was Christian man. And I end up not marrying a Jewish man. So let's just put the lists away, I know. And it's so funny because it's like that's what the I feel like. That's the guest piece of advice people give you is like, how are you gonna find someone? If you don't know what you're looking for, you know, like you would never go for a job without a job listing.
And I'm like, okay, so everybody makes you make this list and you're setting yourself up for failure because it's not about the list. It's not about that stuff, like it really isn't. It's about the person and the human being that they are, Like that is your soulmate, that is the person that you're connected to on a such a deeper level. All that other stuff fits in into play, and you learn how to navigate if there are certain things that maybe don't gel or fit the way that
you want them to. But I feel like that's like the biggest thing is you know what was her criteria? And her criteria was no kids, but wants kids in marriage, a good personality and family. It's a lot, you know, yeah, I mean career driven, ambitious, Like you maybe might find someone that is not all of these things. You might find someone that already has kids and wants more.
I also think though, that like a lot of people, once they meet someone that they just connect with, like you said, the list goes out the window and they're still like the mentality is like, oh my gosh, this person is everything I was looking for, but not according to their list. They're just it's everything they were looking for in terms of what they envisioned themselves being like in a relationship.
Correct.
And I think that the list hold us back because we have this unrealistic thing of.
I wish you still had your list.
I'm sure I could find one somewhere like plays football, No watches football.
I don't think that was ever was never on your list.
I'm shook by that.
No, oh wow, No, football wasn't on there. But like religion, you know, someone Christian wanted kids, Like all the things that I just think that I was supposed to want were on there, right, And like, like I said, life came quickly, like came in like a wrecking ball on that list, and I I just think that, like now I look at the what you feel like you want, and I look at my relationship with Halene, and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is even better than I ever
imagined a relationship being like I always thought i'd be someone who really needed my space and yeah, felt claustrophobic in a relationship.
Really probably had on your list, like lives in City lives in New York City, myos coastal.
And I just think that what happens is you find someone like you found Robbie, and it's like he's everything that you wanted. But if you had listed out who he was, maybe on paper he wanted him.
And you know what's crazy. I think about this all the time because he necessarily wasn't what I wanted on paper? Do you know what I mean? Like on my list? What if I'd never gone on that first date with Robbie. I knew on my first date with Robbie that I didn't know for sure I was going to marry the guy, but I knew on our first date that it was like so different, Like I knew, like literally I had
like visceral reactions in my body. And had I knock gone on that date because he didn't fit my criteria my lists, who knows what I'd be doing right now?
I know it's so true. So I say to anonymous, like, no, it's Ashlan.
Actually, oh, I.
Say to Ashlin, let yourself like be free from the list.
Free from the list. If not now, when? If not you? Who? If not here? Where?
If not now? Never?
Well nod? If not now when?
Shoot?
So we don't know.
Not today, not tomorrow.
No, no, that's not out.
Not tomorrow today, not tomorrow today. Sure, yeah, it's time, Ashlin, Yes, it's time that you are thirty one. You are stepping out of your criteria and list and who knows what if you have a man that's your list and you end up with a woman.
Yeah, Ashlynn, you don't know, Ashlin.
I want you to physically throw the list out the window, whip it out, and then go pick it up and throw it in the trash.
But get rid of it, get rid of the the list. It's about the being. It's about the being and the connection. You can't you can't write that stuff down on paper.
You can't write it down.
You really can't. Once you feel it in the vagina, yeah, it takes over.
The list is out the door once it's in the vagina.
Yeah, exactly.
All right.
Well, in that note, we are done with today's episode of Dear Bonio, but we will be back next week and you can dm us on Instagram at scrubbing in pot or email us at scrubbing in iHeartMedia dot com.
Tanya, it was a pleasure, pleasure was almos No no, no, no, no no no no.
I can eat the cake.
Well, I'm gonna take it home. Yeah, I have to eat lunch.
Yeah all right. Love you by