Scrubbing In with Bec Tilly and Tanya rap an iHeartRadio podcast.
Hello, everybody, we are scrubbing it scrub a dub. This is a Dear Bonya episode. It is back to back weeks.
Different from Ask Banya. We've discussed this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not Ask Banya, it's Dear Bonie. These are in depth questions that need in depth answers. Yes, and again this is just our experience. We're just answering unprofessionally, yes, but honestly about how we would handle the situations that y'all are going through if we.
Were in your shoes, So like if you put your feet in our shoes, well, if we put our feet in your shoes, right, what we would do in that situation exactly? And we can only gauge from our.
Perspective exactly, from our personal experience exactly, And that's where our answers come from the heart, all of us here in the scrubbing In.
But I do feel wiser, if I must say so, because I'm older now, So I do tell you so much how quickly we forget? Yeah, yeah, but I do feel smarter and wiser.
What time were you born? Though?
On the eighteen nine something PM.
So it's technically you haven't gotten there yet.
It goes by the time I heard.
Challenge, or just like because you forgot, I didn't forget.
Where's my text message? Smarter?
We're having a small day. So, yeah, you do feel wiser. I do.
I feel exponentially wiser than I did yesterday. Wow, you get ready for this advice.
I can't wait to hear what you offered the Rubbers today.
Yeah, watch what I do this year?
Stay tuned.
Yeah, Sonic the Hedgehog just zooming around you.
We have referenced Sonic on this podcast a lot, which is so unexpected.
I know, I can't tell you why I want to be on that movie. I want to be a character. I want to be like the modern woman Hedgehog. I don't know if she exists, but if she does, I so badly want to voice her.
You did an audition, you remember for the character and how your voice would sound if you.
Get to be a I don't know if that made it to the movie company that makes those.
Can we hear that again?
I can't remember exactly how I did it. But she's kind of like this.
She was really cute.
She was have like a high, big voice, and she was like, come on, Sonic, my god, this it's cute.
Right, Why can't you just be your regular voice. You've kind of a high pitch.
Now you need to go back to your voice that used to have with air R.
Rose. So I'm saving that.
For I also want to have that. I think I have that.
We have a packed by the time I'm thirty three, so I have you have for about six years. Well here's the thing. I think Andy is attractive.
Andy, come here for a second. Thank you. He is a good looking guy.
You think he's smart.
I think he's attractive and smart, and I do think he's nice. Yeah, but we work together, so that's weird.
That's a good Amy Rose voice right there. Yeah, Gypsy Rose.
I also realized. I also realized, did you end up seeing Inside Out too? No?
But I'm really excited too, Okay.
So I also just want to put it in the universe that when Inside Out three comes out, I really want there to be a delulu emotion and I need.
And I want to.
Right, yes, I need this to happen.
How do who makes some is that Pixar?
Pixar? Yeah, well, we got.
To find someone who works there because that's good.
There, and like because think about what other emotions can there be, Like, there's only so many emotions, delusional has to be one of them, right.
Yeah, you're a cute idea.
I like it, de Lulu. And then I'll come up with an amazing voice for that.
I think you just be yourself.
Yeah, thank you. So anyways, you know, just just dreaming big on this day.
I love that manifesting big things in her voiceover.
World career that is non existent at this point. But you know, reach for the stars and you land. Oh wait, what is it?
Yeah, reach for the stars, you land on the moon.
No, it's reach for the moon and you land amongst the stars. Yeah, for the moon.
Keep your feet on the ground.
No is that carest is my American Top forty host.
Do you know what I was thinking about?
What?
I was watching Friends last night and it was an episode where Monica and Richard had just broken up and she gets a voicemail and then she like can't figure out if it's from like when they were together, or if it was like if he had contacted her after the breakup, and so she's like freaking out and then she tries to call him back and she's like, I'm breezy, and I was like, this is so tawn.
I am Monica.
Yeah, you have a lot of Monica, a lot of Monica.
Tendancies like truly, and I I consider myself a catch. When I look back on certain things in my relationship with Robbie, I'm like, God, bless that man, because I was a lottimes a lot.
You will be a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot.
Not too much, but not not not not for him.
Let's let him answer that the perfect amount.
You're the perfect amount for Robbie. Yeah. Have we talked about during the break up, the not the Lulu things you did? But just like saying, yeah, have we talked about that on the podcast?
I don't know.
But when you went to the snow, No, I didn't go that.
I didn't even go to the snow.
Pretended he went to the snow, rob you must have talked about obsessed with the snow like he loves he's like a snow bunny.
And I know this, and uh, we were broken up and he would be the first person to watch my stories anything that one of my Instagram stories. He was like the first few.
Always broken up at this point, no contact, Yeah.
Because following you or was he just watching your stories?
No? No, we never un followed each other. Okay, yeah, so he was still following me and watching all my stories. And I'm like, why did I think of this? I don't know, but I saw Tory moral you shout out to Tori, yes you love her? And I saw that she was in said snow somewhere and we kind of have like similar I mean not really, but like in the snow you all look the same, you know, and
it was like ear and all that gear. I was like, Tory is very tall, very tall, and her hair is a lot darker than mine, but like whatever I was taking the snow, it doesn't really matter, like the big chuck things. And I was like, you gotta do your girl solid. Can you send me any photos of like you writing like a heart in the snow, or like your feet in the snow, or like you making snow angels in the snow, something that looks like it could
be me in the snow. And she delivered. She sent me exclusive pictures that I posted.
Immediately went up, immediately went right up, and guess what, immediately got a response from Robbie. What did he say?
Just like something like so cool? Jealous? Where are you? And guess what I did?
Left him on red?
Didn't even open it?
Oh ball exactly?
Wait? Is that more baller than left him on Red?
I think so.
I think so too, because I doesn't even care to open it.
Yes, it also implies you're getting so many dms you don't.
So far to bury.
That's buried.
Interesting. I feel more savage if someone leaves me on red as opposed to them just never seeing.
It, because I think sometimes, like I know, sometimes I'll read a d M and I won't respond. And it's not because I'm like mad or upset.
I just you think someone on red feels more calculated.
To me.
It feels like they're playing a game. Oh they read it, but they're not going to responding it. You can't assume they're playing a game.
Like what you said on Monday, the opposite of love is a different is not opening the DM.
That's all. That's a lumineer's lyric. I can't take credit the opposite of loves and friends?
No, And then he reached back out on Valentine's Day. Back out on Valentine's Day responded to one of my stories, left that one unread as well, what.
Did you postal?
Not?
One that got his peaked is interesting.
Heart shaped cookies with initials and I like blocked out one of the initials.
Oh my gosh, so one cookie said, or.
We don't know that, and then he and then he reached out after the golden globes. And then I was tired and hungover and I finally opened the d M.
It's my time.
Time.
Do you still check to see who watches your story?
I don't really like check to see, but like, if I go through the st people's names pop up, but I don't really check.
Do you check?
No, I see the likes? Who likes my story? That's very important to me.
Do you know I just didn't know because you I mean, I do think that if that would be obsession check and if I didn't see her name within the first ten seconds.
Yeah, well let me tell you. I'm not going to name this friend because I'm just not going to name her. But I wasn't even as bad as one of my other friends. Because she would constantly she would look at the number of followers that her ex had and if it knew exactly followers. Yeah, so whoever he was following, she had that number, okay, and if it went up anytime she would find out who he added, and then like look at that person? What person was? It's not
a bad idea, it's not. It's actually a great idea if anyone out there needs that.
Hasn't hurt anyone. No, no, that maybe you're your own feelings.
Except your own sanity.
It only affects your own Sandy always.
I just love the idea of like seeing the number change and going like, oh, who do you follow Jersey Mike's.
I saw it go down one and didn't realize it was you.
Oh that would be that would hurt, that would hurt.
All right, we gotta get to that. We're taking our own advice here. We gotta we gotta give.
Breaks, all right, all right, right past, all right, we are back and ready to answer the hard hitting questions from our scrubbers.
Are scrubbers, here we go. Follow up advice from Laura. Laura says it's me again, Laura, who had the challenges with her boyfriend traveling a lot because of his job with the sports agency. I took your advice. I really took a look at what our communication gaps were, and we came up with check in times and tools that helped make me feel really safe. I made never to focus on some hobbies and make time with my friends.
So far, so good, so thank you. But now he's leaving for the Olympics to do some scouring and I'll be gone and he'll be gone for a long time. I wanted to ask Becca, it seems like Haley's been gone for a long time, and you seemed to be handling it better than once you went on tour. This is what we just talked about on Monday. Did you
approach this differently? My boyfriend and I usually only a part for a week at most, but he'll be gone for six weeks and I won't be able to visit due to work obligations.
First of all, I'm so proud of you, both of you for focusing on where the gaps were and coming up with ways to help both of you get through this like in a healthy way. So Haley and I, I think what happened last year was there was just like certain things that I didn't feel safe about, and so when I would communicate those things, she would almost pull away because she had so much going on that
it was almost like too much for her. So even though, like she would say all the things that in a typical, like healthy state would normally make me feel better, but because I would get into like a spiral and I couldn't like self soothe, I was.
Just like, oh soothe, it is not the right word.
Yeah, I couldn't like calm myself down. So therefore she really couldn't say anything that made me feel calm. So before she left for this time, we kind of figured out what were the things that I was needing, And I think, oh, something for me was that I love quality time. And I realized that for her, she felt like even if she was just checking in with me and letting me know what she was doing, that that
was her giving me quality time. But what happened was she would be like, Oh, we're having so much fun and we're doing this, this and this, and I would just be like, I'm miserable and you're having so much without me, Like it made me like hurt my feelings
so much. Yeah, which wasn't a healthy mindset, because you should be able to have fun without your partner and they should be able to have fun without you, right, but I was in a different mindset at that time, So this time it's been like she does check ins when she can. I also just know because I was up there her first week when the project kind of started. I saw what it was like during the day and how insane it was. So now I don't make up
things of like why haven't I heard from her. I'm just like, I know what the schedule is like, and if I do hear from her she checks in or calls me, it's like a little bonus. But most of the time I know I'm going to talk to her at night, and then when she has time, we do things that we love to do that's quality time, like play games over the phone or like do things that
we would do if she was already together. So I think that's just been helpful and also just you know, knowing that it really came from like confidence and security in my own self that had nothing to do with her. That's been a big part.
I'm beca answered it perfectly, So I'm just gonna sprinkle a little thing in there. But like, if you feel something, say it, because I have an experience, like I don't roby and I don't have to be a part like
this ever. But when he was in New York for that wedding, we were apart for four days, and like when he landed in New York, he was like, I miss you already, and I was like, that's so cute, you know what I mean, Like we were living apart for whatever six hours, and I was like, that's so cute, and like you'd always say just little things like that about you know, like I he hit such a good time at the wedding, he had such a good time at you know, all the things he did around the wedding,
but he was like, I wish you were there, and like, you know, just saying those little things means a lot.
I was gonna say that too. Haley has done a really good job of being like I had so much fun. We did this, this and this, and it was so much fun. But it would have been even better if you were there. So it just gives me reassurance that she's thinking of me and missing me, which I already know, but it's nice to hear it. Yeah, So good luck, you're gonna be You're gonna be good and strong and six weeks when you have the rest of your life.
That's a drop in the buckets.
From Brianna. She says, I need help. There's a coworker in the IT department that I'm crushing on. I am the HR manager. We don't have a written policy about not dating coworkers, but on the organizational chart, I would be considered his superior.
Oh.
He's very professional, so I don't think he'd ever go out of the way to blur the line if he was interested in me. But I feel like I've been dropping handkerchief to nudge him in my direction, and I'm at a loss. I haven't pulled a Tanya and brought in blueberries for National Blueberry Day because we've talked about it being his favorite fruit. Oh no, do I push the gas and go for it or pump the brakes?
That is so cute, and there is a National Blueberry Day.
They're so high in antioxidants.
It's a great, thoughtful superfood, honestly, but.
It's a super food.
Yeah.
And it's a superfood, yeah yeah, but that is very It's a blueberry and it's a blueberry, yeah.
Exactly, it.
Berry and it's a blueberry.
Yeah.
Yeah, But what's a super food versus super It's a great food and it's a superfood.
Super food when word being you now and super adjective space.
Food, Like it's a super food. It's in the category of like super foods. Yeah, it's also a super food.
What does the name have to do is.
A great lake and it's a great lake. Yeah, here's one for you. A grapefruit is not a grape fruit.
Oh, but it's a great fruit, right right, right, right right? Yeah?
How do these have anything to do with each other? What's a super food versus a super food?
You said it?
Superfood is a nutrient rich food kind official for health and well being?
And what's a super food?
Great?
So super.
Bloomberry is not super food.
It's a superfood. I wouldn't say it's super food.
That's an opinion for sure.
It's injective.
Yeah, so it's not like Michigan.
It's a great leg, but it is a great late but that's a fact.
Yeah.
Oh my god, back to you, Brianna.
Okay, okay, this feels she's giving Tanya energy.
Yeah, Kayler energy, and I don't like it. Oh no, yeah, Tanya, Kaylor I know, I know, I know, I know.
Why do you think he's not into her? No?
I don't think he's not into her. But like I did this all the time. I sent him what's his nuts?
Oh my gosh, it makes me so sad. I can't even think about this. It made me like a.
National Cookie Day, and like he didn't deserve for me to send him cookies.
This guy and they made out one night. He was like JoJo's brother's friend came in town and they like had a great night.
We all went out to marry him.
And then she sent him cookies and I was like, no, I.
Was like national cookie. Did he like loved chocolate cookies. I'm like, I'm just one of the best chocolate chip cookies in Los Angeles? And I did and it went nowhere. And No, I sent him milk. I think it was like milk jar or something.
I don't know.
At the time, he did not deserve that.
He did not deserve that, And so like, I don't know if this guy deserves your blueberries. You're super busy. I just I don't like it because you're saying that he doesn't like to blur the lines, and so I don't want you to like put yourself.
Out there, but I don't. I think you're right. I don't. I don't think this is going to work. Yeah, but I'm in with the heart wants what it wants, and shouldn't she go for it? I don't know, but I feel like this is not This feels wrong to me. This feels like it's not going to end well.
I think he's also probably apprehensive of engaging because they worked, they were together.
Yeah, I mean that never stopped me.
You're in any case you are every way.
And not case too.
But here's the thing. You know, if someone's interested like you, you know.
Not really, I mean that they're not.
Yeah, again, you're not the best person.
I feel like you can get a vibe if someone's interested, even if it's in a work setting and everyone's trying to be professional, you can tell if someone's interested.
Totally.
Yeah, right, totally.
I don't relate to that.
Okay, okay, maybe you can't tell. See my my gut is saying, what if y'all through like a little uh, like a little at a group per mixer, company mixer, a company mixer, like an end of summer bash, and y'all go, I don't know, to a bar, I don't where you live, Yeah, to bar somewhere that's sociable and like comfortable, and see what the vibe is and if you feel like there's some flirty behavior, I said, go for it.
If you know how old you are. But if you can get him to take a shot with you, you know, it's game on. I'm just saying, if you do drink, if you're of age, and that's what you would like to enjoy on your weekends, if you can get him, like any guy I could get to take a shot with me, I knew, was like game.
I think that's loose advice. Really yeah, I think people like free alcohol so dark, okay. I would have something a group setting where you see each other outside of a work setting, see if the vibe is there, if it's flirty, if you're even still into him outside of a work dynamic, and then I think you just kind of flirt and see if you get anything back, and if you don't move.
On, haven't fired. I can't murder reassigned him to Siberia. I say, pumped the brakes unless you get some real evidence that he's interested back.
What's real evidence?
Uh?
You got in blueberries? Maybe National Rubarb Day is coming up. He'll get you some rubarb pie. That would be evidence.
Yeah, so if he returned the favor, I think if he.
Returned to the favor, that's a positive sign. Or even anything a lingering touch, you know, like there's something eye contact. Eye contact is good contact.
A lot of eye contacts.
You actually feel assaulted from Ty's eye contact, exactly. Heartbroken anonymous scrubber. My boyfriend and I dated for nine months. We broke up in January. I felt he was the one I was supposed to marry. He was everything I prayed for. The breakup was unexpected, no cause, no arguments. He started pulling away over the holidays. We broke up a couple of weeks after he got back. The breakup was emotional for both of us. We cried and held each other. He felt he failed and leading a godly
relationship and wanted to focus on his goals. He mentioned that who knows, maybe we'll get back together one day. We've continued to talk a couple times months each other. Once a month left time we met. It felt like we never broke up. We kiss each time we see each other. He knew I thought we would get married, but he wasn't there yet. While we were dating. Recently, he said he's getting closer to wanting to get back together. He suggested that if we did get back together, we
would marry. In three months. He referenced Ross and Rachel and implied we might get married, saying to give it time. Do you think there's a chance we could get back together? Tanya? How did you stay patient and hopeful with Robbie when you knew he was the one? Thanks for your insight, Well, have you.
Tried posting pictures? So no, First of all, I'm so sorry. That is like the worst thing ever when you are broken up with and you feel like that person is your person, there's no worse pain. So I'm sorry you're going through that. I feel like in my situation, we broke up around the holidays as well well, and that was so dark because it was the holidays and I was spending them alone. And then I remember my parents both got COVID and so I was really alone and
it was such a dark time. But I still knew he was the one, Like I remember when we broke up, I was just like, this doesn't make sense, Like it just doesn't make sense. It doesn't feel right, And I think you kind of have to get to a place where you keep a hopeful hard because I always felt like we would get back together, but also have the reality that it might not happen. And I think I got to that point. I think once I cause we two for the first i'd say month, month and a
half of our breakup, we still saw each other. We would hug and kiss and like do all that. And after a month and a half, yeah, like into January, we still would like not often, we weren't like seeing each other every day, but I saw him like once or twice we still talked, Like on New Year's we talked. I saw him in January we kissed. Uh. And then at that point I just cut it off. I was like, I can't do this. If we're like broken up and that's what you want, then I really have to be
broken up. And that's when I started just cold turkeying it. I didn't respond to any of his call I would not answer his calls, I didn't respond to his dms. Like I was just cold turkey because that's the way that I had to move on process it. And then eventually, again, like Beck always says, whatever's meant to be will be, and then we ended up talking and we had a really big fight before we got back together, and then when then we got back together.
I feel like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. I feel like he has his cake and he's eating it too because he wanted the breakup, But then he's also getting to see you when he wants to see you, and kiss you when he wants to kiss you.
The same advice you gave me when this was happening with Robbie, what he has.
Wants because I was like, you ended this, so leave her alone. Leave me?
Yeah, yeah, leave her alone.
Love me, Robbie. I do.
I love Robbie.
I'm so happy I'm coming together. But in the moment, I was like, leave her alone.
Yeah.
And that's how I feel because I feel like what's happening is that if he is not there, and he's if he doesn't see a genuine future with you, then he is keeping you in a place of heartbreak and a place of not being able to move on. And I think it's a very selfish move. And I also I come from like the religion world of like God told me we're not supposed to be together, and it is like my biggest ick. I'm sorry, I just do
not like it. I think it's such a cop out and what he's doing is not godly to me, because if he really loved you and loved what God was telling him to do, he would let you move on, or he would say, hey, I want to be with you and be a man and be a partner to you.
Yeah, sounds like she needs to go cold Turkey.
I think you go cold Turkey because I think that if you're meant to be, it'll happen. But I think you give yourself a chance to move one from him.
Yeah, because I remember when I was cold Turkey, I did somebody. Somebody did try to set me up with someone and I did accept the date. It was like, I think it was still kind of covidy times. We did a FaceTime date. But the funny part is is this date that I had with this guy, we end up both talking about our exes the entire FaceTime. He was talking about his ex girlfriend. I was talking about Robbie. And we followed each other on Instagram and we still
follow each other. He ended up getting back with his ex girlfriend. He is now married to her with a baby, and I ended up getting back with Robbie, we are engaged, and so it's just very very funny. But like I was open to it, Like I was like, yeah, let's like have a FaceTime date. And we were chatting for a couple of days.
But yeah, it just well, that's what I'm saying. I don't I'm not saying you're never going to get back together. I just think that he's getting way too much out of this breakup and you're the one who's hurting.
Yeah, so you might have to cald Turkey it. I hate to say it.
Yeah, and you'll never regret focusing on yourself and living your life.
Yep.
You got to move on. And if you end up together one day, glorious. But if you count on that, you're only going to stay stagnant.
You're not going to And I'm not going to encourage playing games because I don't think it's like a game. But I know in our situation, because I went so cold Turkey and Robbie, he thought that I had moved on and that he lost me forever and that freaked him back.
That's jarring. Absolutely thinks he's going to marry you in three months if you get back together. First of all, that's other all bs, or he really believes it. But either way, you're better off focusing on you and moving on.
Yeah, and I don't think you should get married after three months, even if you'll, even if you disregard our advice and get back together with him, I would say, don't do that.
Red flags plenty right here.
Yeaheah, well, not necessarily, not necessarily.
Yeah, from the information we're sing, I think you focus on yourself.
I agree, you'll never regret doing that, and you're better.
You're better than being at his beck and cal whenever he decides he's lonely and wants to see you and kiss you.
That's not okay. Preach from anonymous. My husband and I have been married fifteen years. We've got three kids. He's a great husband, he's a great dad, but we struggled for years with him having a porn addiction. I get it, guys look at porn from time to time, even though I don't love it. But I have found him so many times in our home with the kids in the next room on our family iPad, and I'm so tired
of fighting this battle with him. He agrees it's a problem, then it'll stop for weeks and then later I'll find it again. I love him so much. I don't want it to rip our family apart, but I feel so disrespected. We are going to start therapy together next week try to work through this, but honestly, I'm afraid our problems have gone past the porn and now into him not respecting me enough to stop. Any advice you can give me I would greatly appreciate, especially Mark and Easton's mail perspectives.
Oh oh nice. I mean, look, yes, it is a respect issue. It's not. I mean I shouldn't be so cavalier about actual porn addiction, sex addiction. These are things that I am not terribly familiar with, understand very much. So I don't want to be dismissive of those things, right.
Because I'm curious when she says porn addiction, because I feel like there's a difference between what makes it porn addiction.
Using the family iPad?
Yeah, yeah, do sound like signs. But let's say it wasn't. Let's say it was alcohol. Would you say he doesn't respect me enough to quit alcohol? So if it's a legitimate addition addiction, then I think we need to have some patients and go through the process, and therapy is the right thing, right, But if you don't feel like it's an actual addiction, which you would know better than we, then then yeah, then it sounds like a respect issue and he needs to understand where your boundaries are because
there is no right and wrong in relationships. It's respecting the other person's wishes for what is right and wrong in a relationship.
I agree completely, But they say addiction is when you continue the behavior in the face of like severe consequences or something like you you get drunk at work or like, you know, you drive drunk, something like that. And I think that he's again I don't know too much about it either, but I think that it probably fits the bill. And she probably said like, hey, if you keep doing this,
I'm gonna leave. Maybe maybe she said that, and that on some level, yeah, that he keeps doing it, keeps doing to try probably trying to hide it from her, And uh, I don't know that that needs to be addressed. That's that's you know, I'm not saying porn is bad, but like, I don't know if he if this is like really affecting their intimacy, affecting his personal life, like is he like that's.
The whole thing. Like I think you have to take take like a what's it called bird's eye. I've had many, weirdly many conversations with men about porn. I was like very into this topic. I don't remember when, but maybe like ten years ago it.
Was in your porn era it was porn Area.
Yeah, we will because I'm fascinated with like why men like why women are like not or maybe I shouldn't generalize, but that's true. Yeah, I feel like it doesn't do for women what it does for men, Like why, I don't know. I just feel like men just do like it for some reason.
Men are much more visual than women.
Yeah, whatever. But so what I've gathered is if it's something that is impacting your sex life with your husband, then it's definitely something that he needs to take into account and he should, you know, respect your wishes. If it's if he's doing it on the family iPads and the kids can see it or hear it or whatever, like,
that's also a major problem. If it's something that he's doing that he does from time to time that's not affecting your kids, your sex life, anything like that, it's it's like golfing or something, you know, something that he likes to do or whatever. If you don't like it, you just have to just like everyone's going to have
some of those things that you don't like. But I think if it's affecting your kids, your family, and your sex life, then you have to set boundaries and you have to like figure that out.
I'm just really I mean, I feel hopeful that y'all are going to therapy because a lot of people if he was like, I'm not going to therapy, I don't need therapy, then I would be like, I don't really know what to say to encourage you. But I do feel like there could be I think him the willingness to go and like have these conversations with a professional
I think will be very helpful. And I think you'll also be able to express feelings in a safe setting that maybe you haven't even been able to get through to him about. And I think it'll be good for your relationship in general. But I really, I really feel for you because whether it's porn or alcohol or drugs, like, addiction is a disease, and yeah, it overtakes people, and I think it's I think you're at a point where you're able to.
Hopefully and like when someone's off the especially your partner in life, you don't want to just abandon them, you know what I mean.
Yeah, but you also don't want to be disrespected for the rest of your life. So you have to be able to set that boundary and know that going into therapy that you're doing everything you can and you can't change him, right, you can't. You can't make him stop, And that's the that's the part about control with your partner that's really hard.
Yeah.
I think therapy really help you understand where he's coming from and help him understand where you're coming from.
I agree.
Yes, Becca, it's time for a break. Can you do the dusty honors?
My gosh? Well, we have one more email and then who is most likely to superlative fun at the end of the episode. But we're going to take a break, so we'll be right back. All right, we are back. We have one more email from anonymous.
All right, here we go. An email from anonymous. She says, my friend of almost thirty years cheated on her husband. My husband and I were very much friends with her husband. We've been on trips with them, and back in April of twenty three, my friend cheated on her husband with one of my husband's friends who she met at our house. My husband I knew about the affair and felt complicit because we would continue to see her with her husband and we continue to see her with the other guy.
My friend's marriage ended shortly thereafter once she found out she was pregnant with the other man's baby, and now she's divorced. But my friend and a new partner have rewritten the timeline. They act like it wasn't an affair, and their husband knew she wanted a divorce. And I've struggled with this because we socialized with them as a couple during the affair and I was her sounding board during that time. Her new partner jokes about breaking up
marriages and getting with married women, which bothers me. He previously cheated on his wife like a decade ago. I don't know if we should stay friends with these people or not be around them at all. When I expressed my guilt to her, she denied the affair and said she thought I was okay with it. I'm questioning how long to stay friends with someone before deciding their relationship is toxic due to differing life values. Should I consider a hard cut off or a soft cut off? Moving forward?
So it sounds like decided because I'm.
Glad you know what you need to do because you're the what's the quote about the company you keep?
Yeah, ships don't sink because there's water.
Eat, that's the one.
Ships don't sink because there's water outside their boat. They sink because there's water inside their boat.
Well, no way that goes with this, but that's beautiful. Ye, it does.
Get them out, Get them out of your boat.
Oh, they're they're the water and they're the water.
Get that water out of your boat.
Well, you know, I was just going to say something about, like the company you keep is a reflection of you and your husband, And I think that the fact that you listen to her talk about the affair and then she feels comfortable enough denying it to your face is a a red flag bigger than let me.
Tell you she's a narcissist. Yeah, And it's very obvious to me because these people, these narcissists, they will make up these stories in their head and they'll believe them to be true because it pertains to their narrative or what they want, and it's very scary and it's very weird, and I also would just like again, but it's not a blanket statement. I don't think cheaters are bad. I just think cheaters there's a character flaw in there.
Well, to me, there's there's cheating and having remorse and regret and shame about it. And then I think there's cheating and laughing and bragging about it talking about breaking up there.
But that's only part of the story. I'm sure I can. I feel like very confident in saying that. I'd say like eighty percent of people who cheat have some sort of guilt or shame or remorse.
I know. I'm saying this guy does not the god she cheated.
I'm sure that he does. Behind closed doors, he's probably just like making a joke of it, blah blah blah blah, and where she doesn't know him one hundred percent of the time.
She said her new partner jokes about breaking up marriages and getting with married women.
I know, but I'm saying he maybe just does that outwardly, but we don't know what he feels inwardly.
Yeah, but that's his that's the character that he's presenting right, I'm not saying character, you're surrounding yourself.
This all is just.
Bad and I don't like her, I don't like him, and I just feel like you need to distance yourself asap.
I agree. I think the hard cut off or soft cut off, I think you just have a conversation and say I love you. We've been through so much together, but I've had a really hard time with how you've handled this and and denying the truth that I was a part of during this time of your life and.
What I appreciate your soft approach, but a narcissist is not going to hear that.
Well, they're not going to hear anything, So it doesn't matter. I'm saying, what what's going to make her feel good to move forward?
Sure?
You saying you're saying hard cut off? Just stop?
Yeah, oh, just ignore.
I mean, it's all bad.
I just think we don't know if they're best friends. It kind of seems like they were a couple friends, right, So if she's your best friend, like it was me and you, I think I would have a conversation.
If it was me and you and you were having an affair on Haley, I would step in before any of this, I'd be like, this is not right.
Yeah, But if I was like I'm not, that's not I'm fine, We're fine.
Don't worry about us murder. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding, But I'm just saying, like, we don't know how close they are, they're like best friends. I think it's warrants a conversation of like, hey, I love you and I don't agree with this, so I don't I don't see this being friends and if it's if it's not that, then yeah, just cut it off.
Yeah.
I just feel like narcissist are very scary people to deal with, so like trying to have a rational conversation with one is gonna it's gonna send you into a tailspin. So just say yourself, she knows.
If she's a if she's someone who is receptive to a conversation.
Yeah, yeah, Yeah.
This is from Jazz. Love the name jazz by the way. I like that jazzmine can become jazz or jazz or men a lot of men's or jazz me.
Really it's a jazz me jazzy.
I mean, I really enjoyed this segment where you didn't know who is most likely to and thought i'd offer some questions from a similar game we play at parties. So here you go, so i'll read the question that we'll do. The three two one is that we did last time? Yeah, the same time.
Okay.
Who is most likely to be pulled over for driving too slow? Three two one? Wow? What did you say?
So?
I said? Becca? Becca said my shocked. I'm very speeds said that because you're always late for stuff.
That's not because of no, I'm just see you being very rule follower. I give you your follower vibe. I've driven with Tanya.
It's so scary and Tanya East both said.
Tanya, I mean, I'm pretty grandma vibes.
Okay, yeah, I get that.
But she also is like chaotic, so it's it might be slow, but you're moving around.
I'm gonna use it.
One song and that's all she plays for your drives, so's a lot.
Yeah.
Who is most likely to have a twenty minute conversation with Siri? Three two one time?
Just being bored?
And I don't even have Siri? Thank you everyone? I disabled mine?
Oh wow, and everything iPhone, your iPad, your Apple TV, no serious.
SERI wow by Siri?
I guess we were wrong on that one. Yeah, whould you say, Mark, why why would I do that?
East's too smart.
Though I almost said he think he would know how to shut it up because Easton knows how to Like. Eastern's curious, so I could see him just asking questions like.
Once you first came out, I talked to you for a week.
There you go.
That's like he was right.
Uh.
Who is most likely to just want to cuddle three two one? I don't know, wow A willing time? Yeah, well that's true, but you also like to go beyond cuddling. You don't want to limit it to cuddling very often?
I think, mind just a cuddle?
Can I do that? Who was most likely to traple a kid on Black Friday? Three to one.
Item that you've been eyeing.
On sale that was like a post malone circuit.
Yeah you would you.
I would never do Black Friday. That's scary, all right?
Yeah, yeah, I would hurt someone.
Okay, okay. Who is most likely to drive three plus hours in the hopes of hooking up three to one?
Wow?
Yeah?
Who is most likely to play just one song at every party? Three two one?
Yeah.
Who is most likely to be mentally undressing you right now? Three two one? Who most likely you want to be exclusive after just one day? Three too?
Why?
Who was most likely to Facebook or instagram? Stock? Three two?
One time?
Yeah, it is so easy. Who is most likely to sit at a stop sign waiting for the turn greene? Three too? One time? That's our show.
I think Jazz set you up to be targeted like that jazz.
Are you gonna do me like that? Jazz? Me super food? Come on? Speaking of man, I saw a meme the other day that was like, it was for Love Island and she goes, I wonder what my sims are doing right now, And that's like exactly how I feel about that show. Oh yeah, yeah, it does feel like that. Uh yeah, anyway, all right, well you guys would have laughed if you watch AnyWho that's watching.
It was a tough because I gave you a lat but it was dark. Happy birthday, Tanya the Scrubbers. I know you'll already be wishing her happy birthday, but here's your reminder.
Thank you so much.
We love y'all. Have a great weekend. We'll be back Monday. Well I don't know Monday, Tuesday.
We could Wednesday Friday, all right. We love you so much, love you bye.