Ask Banya: Scrubterranean

Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast.

Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.

Scrub dub dum sco rub a dub dull. We are asking bunya.

I don't know about like like US giving advice is like such a what It's just so funny, Like a whole episode of US giving advice is so funny because sometimes people have like really hard life things that are going through and we're just like bo just have a conversation about you.

Know, watermelon and canalos.

But you know, they come to us for a reason.

I don't think it's that weird.

I think that oftentimes people seek advice from people that are not involved in the situation, like third parties. I think we've lived a lot of life. We've had different experiences to very different experiences, so there's a lot of perspective there.

Oh yeah, I got lots of perspective.

Yeah.

Well, I'm super excited for this. I love these episodes.

I love the ammes or auas ask us any things. But I love a lengthy email typed out yeah seeking us.

Same mark, are you anyway?

Yeah?

It would be my pleasure. Thank you so much. Anonymous says, I saw Tanya posting about how she and Robbie become more obsessed with each other as time goes on. Becca mentioned recently Shan Haley are still so excited to hang out in love. I'm wondering if you have advice on how to do that. I'm in an amazing relationship with the best human ever, but it's new, and I feel so afraid of when we're no longer in this place. So I'm asking the age old question, how do you

You can go, well, it's interesting because I don't think that I have like necessarily a formula or like a specific thing to say. And we've only been Robin and I have only been together for four and a half years, so I guess it's not that long when you look at it the big picture, you know what I mean, People have been married for like twenty forty fifty years, so four and a half still feels like we're still freshly in it. I feel like it's just finding the right partner, right, But.

It sounds like she is or they I don't know if it's a man or woman, but sounds.

Like they're in a new relationship.

So it's like that honeymoon phase and everything feels so exciting.

And big and new, and it does die.

I don't think you can keep that forever.

Yeah, I don't think you can keep people like say that. I think it's.

Totally they're like I think I think there's a difference of saying that.

There there's almost this.

Like it's not not a toxic feeling, but it's almost like this intoxicating feeling where you like I wasn't sleeping, Like to maintain that feeling would be so exhausting looking back, But there's still the excitement of getting to hang out with her at Hayley after six years, there's still that excitement of getting to talk to her at the end of the day and recap our days together and like do new things together.

So I'm still I'm more in love.

Like the love is so much deeper, but it's not this like thing I'm trying to grasp onto, Like I feel like at peace in the relationship.

As opposed to like frantically trying to Like.

Yeah, because like in the early days when you're like dating, you don't see them every day, so you like anticipate seeing them. You like shave every inch of your body, you like, you know, your slick as a dolphin. Yeah, dolphin, like dolphin, Like you know now I'm like grizzly, you know whatever, But.

Like you just do.

There's so much that you like, there's so much build up, and it's like you just can't keep that forever, you know what I mean?

My mom shows every day her likes.

I think I kind of shave them every time I'm in the shower.

You shower three times a day, yeah, my.

Everything shower, which is like twice a week, okay, and.

That's when you wash your feet.

That's when I watch my feet shape.

You know that every time you're in the shower.

R fair fair, fair, fair, fair fair fair.

So basically, what we're saying is when you are with them, I mean, you you how long have you all been?

How long have you been with ay?

Twenty seven years since you've been Matten started dating, okay, and you and.

I'll say eleven years.

Okay, So how what would y'all say.

That you can't keep that going? Because love evolves and it's going to evolve whether you want it to or not. It's going to and it can be go to a better place. And I hope for your case the sake, it doesn't go to a worse place. But it's going to be different in the future than it is now. And that doesn't make it bad in the future. It can be great in the future in its own way.

I agree like that feeling.

I think like I think about to like the honeymoon feeling, you know, and like I still get that feeling with Alis, and it just takes on different forms, you know, like I'm I know Alson better than any one else. I'm never better than I know myself. And uh, but I'm still excited. Like when she texts me, I get like excited because and it's usually like, hey, the window guy

Uh.

The window guy and I tried cleaning some of the windows and we got a lot of the scratches out.

So that makes me so excited.

Said I miss you so much.

She did, and I saw her this morning. You know, but uh.

Wow and refreshing, refreshing, and you know.

Again, I, like Tony said, I don't know, like you know, I don't know what the key to that is. I just I really like this person and I'm excited to see all the different forms our relationship takes over the years.

Yeah, And I think also it's like as your relationship evolves, just like with and over time, like then it takes on different forms. So it's like when you move in together, that's like a whole different thing. So like I get like so giddy when he some from work. Like me, I've posted videos of like my dog whenever Robbi gets home, her.

Tail goes like crazy and she's like this, like that's how I am too.

Just not filming myself, but like I'm so excited when he comes home at the end of the day, you know what I mean. But I just feel like everything shifts as you grow as a couple, you know what I mean. Like before I when we were dating, I never had met hadn't even met the kids, so I wasn't even involved in that. And now I'm like super involved in that. So that's like another layer of you know, you just I don't know it's all just.

Yeah, And you asked, like, is there conscious Like the question is their conscious effort to keep spark alive? And I do think there's effort in the sense that like making time for each other and carving out things to do for each other that maybe the other person loves. We like couple therapy has been like so helpful for helpful for us just in communicating and learning how to have like healthy conversations that might be hard so that

And that was happening.

So now I feel like, because we're able to communicate in a more healthy way, I feel like there's a deeper love there that I didn't I've never experienced ever.

Yeah, I do feel like I know I say it all the time, I really mean it. Finding out each other's love languages is so important because I I don't know if you know this about me, but I require a lot of attention.

Fascinating.

Yeah, I require a lot.

Robbie requires none like that guy, Like it's crazy, you know, it's wild, he requires nothing and I require a lot.

So you how do you don't?

How do you know that he requires nothing because you give so much? Have you ever seen him like just not have Like you give him so much without him asking.

For it, because that's right, that's wow.

But like he he doesn't need more because he has what you give him. But I'm saying, how do you know he doesn't require stuff because you give everything, you give a lot.

Yeah, I don't I get what you're saying, but like the guy really requires is not much.

He's very chill.

He's very lazy, very chilly.

But it's like being open and communicating that, do you know what I mean? Like I'm like, I need you to touch me, I need you to tell me, and I need you.

To act every day how much you love me.

Whereas he it could be like once a week, you know, like I could like give him a kiss on a Thursday and he's good till Monday.

Whereas I'm like, I don't think.

I don't think we approved because that has never happened.

I know, I get what you're saying, but I just I feel it in my bones that he really requires very little.

Yeah, just a hunch Yeah.

I also think I have a really hard time if I do need something and I'm not and Haley's not able to read my mind, which is so infuriating.

It's like, why can't you just read my mind? I'm giving all the hints, but having to ask for what I need is so uncomfortable for me. Right, But I do think it's helped us so much when I'm able to do it in a productive way.

Yeah, I usually do it subtly, Like you know, I write him a letter every morning. Don't write a letter for like three days. He'll write me one because he's like, you.

Are the human form of subtlety.

Correct, nothing but subtle.

You should have Sunny return the favor and film you when Robbie gets home, Like it's kind of rude that you're always on me hurt honestly, So the Leasha could do, I know, So I would say, enjoy the phase that you're at and also know that just if that like rush of like the newness goes away, that's not a negative thing, correct, It just can mean it's like love is growing in it.

It can look different at so many different life stages.

Yeah, next, Mark we go.

This is from Nicole I love your podcast. I came across it around the time Beca came out, and then binged all episodes from twenty seventeen in three to four months. I want to ask Beca how her journey has been so far reconnecting with her faith. I grew up Catholic, but was never forced by my parents to attend church all the time, and therein lies my issue. I'm twenty six now and looking back, I feel like it was a formality and nothing else. I've never felt connected to that,

Would you like to start, Becka?

Yeah, I would say that.

The hardest thing that I feel like I've ever had to really navigate was my faith and my religion, and especially after meeting Haley.

I've talked about I actually weirdly talked about this on another podcast I did, but.

I said, I was talking about how like my whole life growing up in the South in a very like conservative Christian environment, going to a Christian school, going to church three times a.

Week, like three times a week, Sunday.

Morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night.

Sunday morning, and Sunday night.

Yeah, that is a lot. Yeah.

But then in high school I kind of would just kind of go by my like I was more involved, like just on my own and wasn't necessarily that was like more as a child, and like I went because I had to. And then when I was in high school, I would go on my own, and what I knew about same sex relationships or you know, homosexuality was that

That that part of them.

I think that it just was never I just kind of like had my beliefs, but it was never something I talked about or felt like I needed to reevaluate until my sister came out to me, because I felt like, how am I supposed to believe what I've been taught my whole life about this person who I love more than anything, you know, Like it was like my whole mindset and like my belief system was kind of like shook, and you grow up being.

Like you don't question, like how I grew up.

You don't question anything, You don't take a deep dive and look into things like that. Like I had never even had that perspective of thinking about it.

Until you know, my sister.

And so then when I met Hayley, it was such this instant connection that I didn't really go into the faith thing until I was kind of having to navigate things with my family and my parents, and then it.

Was like what do I actually believe?

Like I started having this moment of like I just kind of followed and did what I was told, but like I've never looked into it as like what do I connect with?

What do I believe about this.

What what is it that's keeping me in this state of faith or like believing in something that's so big? So I went through this huge phase of just being like what is it? Can I keep that? And can I have a relationship with a woman? You know?

Yeah?

And that was really scary because it was like the most consistent important thing in my life. And then I realized I can have both and I believe in I believe in what I believe in. And I think I've always feared talking about religion because I was scared of what Christian people would say, Like my fear has always been around what will the Christians say? And then I was thinking, how twisted is that that my fear of who's going to bully me?

Or t is gonna be Christian people?

Like what a backwards mindset of Like how to think about faith as opposed to thinking it's so huge? It's faith because you don't it's believing in something that you can't see or know, and also there's so many elements to it. So I just always felt like it's my it's such a personal thing and it's it's my personal journey. And I always felt like I needed to make sure everyone was happy with how I was doing it, But no one's ever gonna be happy with how you're doing it.

So that's how I've been able to like when people like, how do you still believe?

But I think the organized religion of it all has been a little bit of a turn off because I see people that I don't really want to associate and if they're if they're of the Christian faith or they're talking about that, I'm like, I don't want to really

That doesn't.

I just feel like what I've learned and like how what I believe Jesus to be was not that type of person.

Yeah, what an awful statement that you shouldn't have deep relationships with Basically, like.

Don't don't have deep rooted relationships with people who don't have the same beliefs.

How do you grow you learn the world.

That's what I'm saying.

Like until I, until I moved out of that mindset, the amount of people I met who celebrate totally different cultures and religion I would have never known had I not moved and like ask questions and gotten to know people who were different than me. And I think it's such a beautiful thing to have relationships with people from all different backgrounds and from the you know, different parts of the country and world, and and I think it's a beautiful thing. I just I don't know, it's it's

Yeah. I think for me.

It was a really hard topic because I did grow up very Serbian Orthodox, Like I would go to church every Sunday with my dad, and it's more deep rooted for my dad than my mom, I think. But when I I never felt connected to the Serbian Orthodox Church. I didn't really understand what they were saying. I always felt judged because I didn't speak Serbian. It was very traditional, like I had to wear a skirt past my knees,

You know.

It was like a really hard and it still is to this day a very touchy subject. And I think it's because, you know, I grew up one hundred percent fully Serbian, and I think that in my parents' eyes, it was like I was turning my back on that, and I you know, I wanted to be different than how I was born and.

Didn't appreciate that, you know. And like my sister got.

Married and her husband converted to Serbian Orthodox and they got married in a Serbian Orthodox church, and like she did it the way that I think they wanted that they wanted it, and I'm going to do it a marrying a Jewish man with a pop culture officiant, not in a serby words at the Dux church, you.

Know, Like it's very it's just very different. And so.

That's what's hard for me is it's how hard it is for my parents. It has not been hard for me personally, like being Christian and my relationship with God is what is what fuels me. It's not about the rules and the what not to do and who not to be with. I did get a lot of criticism when I started dating Robbie, like, you know, how do you guys do it? How to navigate? And I'm like,

You know what I mean? Will it be different when we have a kid. I don't know. I have no idea, I'm no idea how that's going to feel.

But for now, this is how we do it, and we like it.

It's a hard question for me because I don't speak this language, you know, And I don't feel guilty about that, Like you feel guilty you don't speak Swedish. Well, no, I don't speak Swedish, so therefore I don't. I don't speak religion. I don't really know anything about it. I haven't had in my whole life. But I'll say this, it's all taught. Homophobia is taught, Racism is taught, transphobia, islamophobia, whatever it is. Any this disregard, dislike, disapproval of cultures

I do feel like, and I'm not going to get political, but if you look at a lot of the harm in the world, it is all rooted in what am I trying to say, that device those walls. Everybody that's been put into a wall, been born into like these these views. And I think if that weren't the case, there would be a lot more peace in our world.

And but I would as a as a non religious person, I'd point out their religion is one of those walls.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, right, right, So it's like it's like, imagine by John Lennon, imagine no religion. Imagine there's no countries. You know, there's borders, there's language, there's skin color, there's religion. It all separates us in different ways. And it would be a much better world if we weren't separated by all these different things, right.

Yeah, And I feel I also I was thinking about like when I when Haley and I were going to come out and be public, all all of my fear was surrounded by like Christian people saying things, you know, like you read the Bible, you know, like just all that.

I really didn't think about any.

Other type of hate, And I remember thinking why did I have that? You know that, because that's how I used to think. So in my mind, I was like everyone, that's how, that's what I should be worried about, because I was.

I was not. I mean, I guess taught to be judgmental, you.

Know, you're like you're raised to be friends with certain people and to form relationships with certain people. And so when I realized that my biggest fear of who was going to hurt me the most were the Christians, people who were religious.

I was like, this feels like it's not right.

I think it's a credit to you that you stuck with it. I think a lot of people realizing this is not right leave the church. You know, I don't know how involve you on an actual church. Your faith has has continued, which I think is a credit to you.

Thank you. Yeah.

I think it was one of those things of like give up something that means so much because of what other people might say or not agree with, or keep something that's so personal and important to me and also live my life, you know.

So but it's hard. Religions so complicated.

How do you feel about it?

It's it's weird.

I I had a I was very very anti religion for a very long time because so my my father was an ultra boy and he was abused by a priest when he was a child. He's been he was in like a documentary about He's been very open about it, and I like went with him to a lot of like helping other like survivors and say victims, but and like seeing how the church reacted to when all that was happening, the Catholic church specifically just despicable, like like it was.

It was really crazy. It was really.

Upsetting to see how they were reacting to these horrible things happening. And so I was like, Oh, religion sucks like this, this sucks, like who would want to do something like this? And and it you know, that's why we we never went to church growing up because of that, because like like my parents went to like a Catholic high school, and then when my sister and I were born, like we'd go to church like one time and then might have like, I'm not doing this. We wouldn't go back.

To be moral compass.

Yeah, yeah, you know, I I and I know that's not the same way, you know, not everyone needs that, But I don't know I'll never I don't think I'll ever go to church. We Allison worked in a church, like in admin roll for a while, and like I went to some services there just like you know, because it's like her coworkers, you know, doing that thing, and it was fine, and I thought it was I thought it was like nice.

But but I don't think I'll ever do that.

Yeah, So I don't know.

I'm trying to stay here.

Do what you want, you know, believe what you want, but don't do terrible things other people.

Goes.

I don't like that you feel guilty about any of it. You should figure out what you believe in and what you don't, but you you shouldn't fee gilty about it whatever it is exactly. I know that's easier said than done.

But no, and it's really hard.

But I do think that there is beauty in figuring out what you believe in. I think your journey of finding something that that you believe in is important and it's beautiful, and it's also hard because there's a lot of opinions about it.

It's very hard.

Okay, there's a we have a one to two more emails, so we're going to take a break and we'll be right back.

All right, we are back. Which one do we want to do next?

How about this one from Becca? Hi, Tanya and Becca. I love your podcast. It truly brings me so much joy to listen to every week, Like I'm listening in on my girlfriends and find myself laughing out loud to myself in the car. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and are now talking about taking the next steps of an engagement and getting married. My boyfriend is adamant about getting a pre nup before we

This is so funny because before, like my whole life growing up, or when I the first time I ever heard about a prenup or what it was, I was like, oh my gosh, that is just such a negative like viewpoint, and why would you I had that mindset of like you're just anticipating that it's gonna end before it even begins.

Yeah, honestly, I don't know what y'all think.

Because you're all married and then you're you're getting.

Married getting married.

I would be not offended at all if Robbi would have come to me and said, I think we should have.

A prenup like I really wouldn't, especially coming from his previous experience, Like.

To me, you just you really I get it. It does feel dark because you are preparing something in the case that it does not and the way that you want it to. But I just feel like it's like anything in life. And also if you're really, if you're good and like you're good in a good, healthy relationship, you know what you're going to bring to the table. It's just a matter of contract, like anything else that you sign in life, you know what I mean.

I also wonder though, if it's different if the if the goal is that you're going to be a mom, and the goal is you're like you're going to be a stay at home mom, then I feel like that's a different conversation because if you're at home raising the kids and you have kids together, and then this person signs a pre nup and it's like you're not getting you and the kids aren't getting anything, that's kind of dark.

But I feel like you would factor that in, you would factor everything in that your situation is.

I feel like if they couldn't go after correct yeah, and you just kind of lay it out because what I feel like, when you get divorced, I'm not, to the knowledge of anyone ever getting divorced under happy terms, like people are usually pissed and fiery and angry, and that is like.

The worst you are, your worst self when you're going through and hurt and bitterer on either side, you know what I mean. Like, if you got cheated on, you're fucking pissed and you're bitter and you're hurt.

If you are the one that cheated, you're.

Fucking oh sorry, and yeah, but I think it's on both ends, do you.

Know what I mean? So it's like you're your worst self.

So if there's already something in place that you have both agreed upon under happy terms, that's just going to deal with the situation. I feel like that's better than the latter in my personal tet.

No, I agree.

And it's also like if you go and get life insurance, it's like, oh, are you anticipating that, like you're immediately gonna die. No, it's just like setting everybody up to be protected in this in the case that something happens.

When you're all happy and in a sound right mind.

That's a good point, though, You're right, people get I mean, it brings up I think that situation and brings out the worst in people, the.

Worst, and then you spend so much time and money and energy on all of that when if you just had it done, it's just there.

And I'd also like to validate that.

I think as a human being, it feels very normal and valid that your feelings would feel a little bit hurt and like everything that you're saying makes perfect sense to me. But I'm almost I think, yeah, I'm with Tanya in the sense that it just sets sets things up before you move into the marriage if anything were to happen.

Yeah, and you said it again, on good terms where you both are looking out for each other's best interest. You think it's fair. You know again, I too, like I would feel there is a part of me that would feel sad. Heck, I could even ask him for a prenup. You know, there would be a part of me that would be sad about it, But I also wouldn't be so offended either way.

It's excellent advice.

Thank you so much.

I can't another thing I can't relate to. When Amy and I met, we had nothing. Yeah, zero assets, We own no property. Our cars were worthless, like we had zero. So it's hard to imagine that. But I think I think it's fine. And I think I think your your analogy about how you're in a better state of mind now than you would be at the time. God forbid. I think it's smart.

Yeah.

I mean Allison and I were in the same like when we met. We also had nothing, but something we did I think I talked about on the show. But Allison inherited some money from her grandfather a couple of years ago, and she bought this cabin that we spent a lot of time in up in the mountains, and her attorney said, you should this should be bought soul and separate, Like it should be just your name on it,

I'm sorry, the court is not going to look very fondly on that site.

It is true.

It's interesting.

It's such an interesting conversation because I think that it does have a very negative connotation, but I think it's very realistic. Money is a factor in life, and so it's just like you treat it like anything else, like a contract.

All right, Anonymous says the guy I truly believe is my person is newly single. We were in a best friends type situationship almost a decade. It was too hard for me to see him with someone else, and then our mutual friend group disbanded soon after, so we haven't spoken for a few years. We never had a conversation or any closure because I was never confident enough to

This feels like a great moment for Hey, how are you. I've been thinking about you lately. Are you free to catch up? Hey?

I saw that movie maybe think of you?

Hey? Yeah, I heard that song? Remember that song we always we loved when we all hang out. I hope you're doing well. I heard that song that reminded me of.

You when I drove by that restaurant we went to that one time. Have you been there recently a favorite of mine.

I had a dream about you.

That's a good one. It's actually a good one.

But anyone ever says they have a dream about me, I'm like, I gotcha, say no more.

I know what that means. I always assume, like because if I were to, like when I used to try and like reach out to someone I had talked to and it was a guy, had to dream about you.

Yeah, funny how that works.

Yeah, I say, you open the door, like you just open it slightly, like to let the breeze in. You don't open it wide and let like the whole air conditioning come into the room. You're just opening it slightly to get the.

Little bit of breeze.

That way, if you're not it's not fully open, you're not vulnerable completely. But if it's not totally shut, then it gives them the freedom to just blow it.

Open, if you know what I mean.

Just blow it right open, blow it right open.

Yeah, I think I think you don't have to immediately confess your feelings. If you's just got out of a relationship. Maybe he's grieving the relationship and he's not even thinking about dating again, so or.

He could you don't know he could be so stoked to be out of that relationship totally.

But I'm saying, you never know until you know.

Confess all of your feelings in a long text or call. You can just say, hey, I've been thinking about you, had to dream about you. I was just wondering how you're doing.

I'd love to catch up.

This is what Bill Hayter did with with Ali Wang. Ali Wang got a divorce. It was all over the news, and she was like, I did not realize that I was going to be like a calling a bat signal because Bill Hater found out that she was getting divorced and said, you were the girl of my dreams. I had to shoot my shot and look at them now. In case you don't know, they're together, I didn't.

I didn't know that.

So this is actually used to me spoiler alert, they are together. So I don't know, man, I say, take the Bill Hayter approach when.

In doubt, I don't.

She thinks this is our guys, So she does want to tread lightly because she doesn't want to blow it.

Who needs to tread lightly?

Who treads lightly? I've never tread lightly.

You were kind of in your like getting advice on how to handle the dating apps. You were treading lightly because you were asking on how to tread lightly.

No, no, no, no, no, no no, I've not tread lightly.

I would hand the ball over to somebody to pretend to me so that they could tread lightly. But I myself never tread lightly.

That's what I'm saying. You've called in the sources to tread lightly, and I'm just saying.

That's not your style.

It's not my style.

You're not a light treader.

No.

Me and Bill Hater birds of a feather, Yeah, you and Bill Hater birds of a feather, we stick together.

That's all for now. See that was very different than ask us anything.

So different, way deeper, sterraneous.

Four questions as opposed to thirty questions.

What's your favorite color?

Right right, right, right right?

My real quick favorite color go oh white, really unexpected the color all colors combined. It's all colors.

I don't have a favorite color.

That's that's very tiny though. Everything working in harmony.

Thank you back a favorite color blue?

It is.

Blue. I'm also blue. I like a cobalt blue.

Okay, I love a coal, but I love like the color of the Tahoe water.

That's the thing you can't say, like what's your favorite color? It's like, what's your favorite color to wear? What's your favorite color to look at?

What's your favorite I just said what's your color? And the other two three people in the room answered that, no problem.

But I see what I'm wearing.

Well, they're not going subterranean on the question.

I know you, what's your favorite what's your favorite color to look at?

Pink?

I would say, okay, what's your favorite color to wear?

Black? Wow?

Also, that's the absence of color orange.

Orange.

Your favorite color to wear is orange.

I love me and orange.

Hey, I don't have a lot of it, not a lot, not a lot out there.

Okay, but I love to wear it. What's your favorite color?

That?

Robbie worse, These these verse answers are just.

What I'm saying. There's just so much more to the question.

That's the beauty of this show, isn't it. We could do an entire episode and what's your favorite color?

Because nothing, no, no, no, it's always subterranean.

And that's that is life. You know.

It should be called scrub terraneum.

Wow, that's what this episode should be called.

Yeah, all right, thank you for that. We love y'all so much. Have a great weekend, let see you next week.