Scrubbing in and Tanya rat An iHeartRadio podcast. Hello, everybody, we are scrubbing. I'm back. It was a long time gone.
It felt like a long time gone.
It felt that way for me as well. It Yeah, like I was just saying, like when I walked in, we were talking about Phoebe, and I was saying, three weeks was just a little too much. I used to do that a lot more, but I don't think I've ever done like three weeks straight being gone.
Yeah, it felt like you were gone for over a month.
Truly almost a month though that's one more week and that would have been a month, right, that's how you put it into respect.
Weeks month.
Yeah, so I was close to that. But so we went to Majorca, Spain first, and that was kind of Haley's birthday trip and it was so amazing. I want to move there.
Oh, not anytime soon. Let me tell you that.
Probably not anytime soon, but one day or just like spend an extended time there.
Like I feel like a vacation, you know, that would be the dream, Just a vacation Maorca.
Laura happened to be in London while we were there, so she came for the first like day and a half, so that was really fuzzy her and then Marla was supposed to come but she had to work, so it ended up just being me and Haley the rest of
the rest of the time, which was really fun. It was like a you know, solo vacation before she started tour, and it was like, I said, beautiful, And you know what was really fascinating is that the whole time I was in Europe and when we were in Spain, even eating anything and everything, like the best food, but I never felt sick. I never felt like my stomach hurt or anything. So got me thinking thinking, just like what we're putting into our bodies, don't I don't think about,
you know, I don't really think about. But it had me thinking because I could feel it, you know, but.
You felt good?
Yeah, I felt good. Yeah. So then we went to Haley started her tour in Scotland and Glasgow, so we started there and then I slept on the bus twice. Not my thing, not my thing at all.
Yeah.
I didn't sleep at all, Like I'm talking, Maybe would close my eyes and then it would be like I'd wake up and it'd be the next hour like there was never like a consistent sleep routine for me in there, but then there was like hotels the rest of the time. So I made it through. But just like the fear of not like you can't poop on the bus, so like the fear of like if something happened, like I didn't have to go, but I was like, if something happens, I'm gonna have to go up ask the bus.
I could never you can't or you should?
No, you can't.
Wow. Yeah.
Yeah, It's not like I'm just gonna sneak one in here because everyone will know.
Yeah, and.
You have to throw your toilet paper away. It was just I don't I'm not a camper. I don't. I never liked going to camp as a kid. I didn't enjoy that. So it just was like this isn't for everybody, but I'm happy for you. Yeah type vibes.
You know, how was it when you said goodbye to Haley?
I had a very I have not It's not been great. Okay.
Actually I had a lot of Scarboroughs messaging me saying we something you post on your Instagram story about like you're out a six point five the like I think on Monday we need to check in on back and see how she's doing. So I just wanted to make sure that we take a moment to check in on you, see how you're doing.
It's not good. I'm not great. This has probably been the worst I've been like since we've been together. Oh my god, I know, I cried so much leaving, Like it was dramatic and I couldn't Like in my mind, I'm like, this feels dramatic, but I couldn't stop.
Yeah, so when do you see her again?
She comes back Friday night for a few days. When it leaves for the US tour Friday, is like the days have been long, long and hard. It's also hard because she's nine hours ahead, so the time difference on top of just being gone is you know, challenging. So yeah, no, I would say six point five felt generous that I gave myself, But so.
What are we feeling today?
No, Like, I feel like I'm just trying to decide, like dramatically. Like dramatically, i'd say I'm like a four, but like in the grand scheme of things, i'd say I'm like a I think six point five is good. Okay, Yeah, so I'm just booking on my days.
I'm gonna say, how can I help.
Let's pick a day that is, Donya'm back a day or night. It's mostly the nights because like I'm alone, she's asleep. Oh just me and Phoebe. If Phoebe's in the room with me.
All right.
But last night I haven't slept, and I was like that has been a big problem as well. I'm like half so much anxiety. I haven't slept. It's been like not well. But I took an edible, I took Oshawagonda gummies, and I took a melotone.
Oh my god, make sure I.
Slept, and yeah, wow, I slept very hard.
The Triple Threat.
I watched Miss Americana, the Taylor Swift documentary on that flat. Yeah. I've seen it so many times. It's like a comfort.
Yeah, that's what I do with the her Disney plus one, the long long pond sessions.
Oh, I need to put that in the road, really good to have in the back. Oh that would I might do that one tonight. So I felt like to that at like nine pm. And I woke up at like six today and I deleted all my delivery apps. That was the thing I was gonna do. I was like, I'm gonna if I want to go get something, I can but I need I can go get it, or I can get groceries and cook at home. And so today I woke up and all I wanted was to order like a cinnamon.
Roll from where.
I don't know, Donald's so good. No, I don't need McDonalds cinnamon rolls, but that sounds probably delicious. There's a place called Cinnaina cinnamon Yeah. Yeah, those are delicious, really good, great way to start your Monday. But I did a sugary ball. I didn't. I walked and had breakfast by myself and I had an egg white omelet. Yeah. So wow, health queen chick.
Yeah, I'm excited about this journey for you. I was messaging back and I said, if there's anything you ever would like me to do with you, I'm happy to do it with you. I actually had quite an experience because you know, I've been eating this way for about six months for my hashimotos. I've been gluten free, I've
been caffeine free, I've been really really clean. Right, So I went to Miami this weekend for to celebrate Sofia's birthday and on Friday night we went out and it was like our big night out and we had dinner and it was kind of like already not prefixed, but ordered for you.
Know what I mean.
I was like, I'm not going to be the girl that's like is there any gluten free options? I was like, you know what, I'm going to let myself enjoy. It's really good Italian foods. So I was like, I'm gonna let myself enjoy the pasta and just everything. I drank espresso martinis so fun. I when I tell you we got to the club, I was so ill. It was not drunk, it was like like so sick from the food.
And I was like, I'm gonna have to leave, and I'm bummed because like this is our big party night for Sophia Sophia and I was like sitting on this couch and Robbie was like, do you need to go home? I'll go home with you. And I was like, and Pauline is like, you just have to throw up. You just have to throw up. I know that look in your eye. You just need to And I was like, I'm at a club in Miami when these these stalls are like not I was like, I cannot do that.
I haven't done this since college. But I was like, you know what, I think she's right. I just felt like ill. So I go into this bathroom. Paulina brings a water bottle with her and she's like, I got you, let's go. I yack just like everything out and I felt like incredible. After I was like, oh my gosh, Like it really was just so much of what I had I wasn't used to between espresso martinis are intense
and I haven't had caffeine in months. Yeah, on top of everything that I just haven't had in my system for like six months. It was and then I didn't even drink the rest of the night. I was like having the best time.
Wow. She was resurrected after.
I was like, yeah, baby, we're back.
So have you had any like come down from eating that, Like did you notice your body change it all? Like?
No, I really again, it was like instantly I felt so sick from it all. But since then, no, and like I went back to kind of just like my normal situation and I was I've been fine, but it was really kind of jarring to experience that.
Yeah, well, I'm happy that I'm happy that there was a turnaround for you. Yeah, there was a turn You did what you needed to do, Yeah, and continue the night.
Yes, thank you so much.
Party.
But what's so crazy is I'm like, I realize how much I I used to party like hard. And it wasn't even the out It wasn't It was not the alcohol that made me sick. It was the food. But still, I'm like, I can't. I can't stay up that late anymore, do you know what I mean? Like, I just can't stay up till four in the morning anymore.
Yeah, I mean, I don't think a lot of people can, Like at a certain age, I think we go. Yeah, that's so.
There was so many people out. I was like so impressed with just like the amount of people night life. Yeah, and even when I left, we left at like three thirty in the morning, there was still a whole bunch of people there.
Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I think I'm past that point in my life.
Yeah, it was. It was fun for nights.
It's fun for night like when we went to Vegas that one for that one night we were up super late too. Correct it was great, but like it took me a while to recover from that.
I feel yeah, I'm very tired today.
Yeah.
And so then I flew back and I was really excited because I had my flight book during the Love Is Blind reunion.
Which you did on purpose. Correct, that was a strategic decision. It fell into lace.
It just kind of all a live you booked your flight to be home in time for the Love of the mill.
I could watch it.
In the air, Okay, Oh yeah, Wi Fi on flat planes is so choppy.
Not these days really, Okay? Yeah? No, Well I thought it was me because I was like, oh my gosh. But then I was like looking at social media and saw that it was with this whole thing. So I literally was refreshing that screen my entire flight. It was such a buzzkill. I had nothing else.
To watch, nothing, but you had Netflix.
I had Netflix.
We had a million things to watch, but I.
Wanted to watch the Love Is Blind.
Sound a limited number of watched.
But then I was like that whole panic of I don't want to see spoilers. I want to watch it, I don't want to see spoilers. And then I saw like Claudia.
Ashra, Aushray Ashre Ausri, Aushri Ashra. I don't I thought it was a but I think Timothy whatever it was, Timothy girl.
With no job, posted that she was able to watch it, so like she got it last night, and so I was having a lot of fomo not knowing what was going on, not having access to it.
I'm confused though, So was it a glitch in this? Like what happened?
So they it was supposed to go up at like five o'clock.
Okay, So this is Netflix is new thing is live events.
You know.
They had to be Chris Rock Special live, and so they want to do more of that because all the other streaming services are doing live stuff. Apple TV's getting a live sports you know, so.
It's really live. It's happening.
Okay, So just PSA to streaming services if any of you listened to this podcast. I don't care about live television. I want taped and I want it on time. Yeah, I don't care. I've watched all their other reunions taped and they were fine and great and wonderful, and they were right on time when I needed them. So basically was supposed to go up at five, and they sent out this tweet that said, like love is late, We're getting all the kinks figured out it'll be up in
like fifteen minutes. So then I just kind of sat back, waited for fifteen minutes, kept checking, kept checking, and then it just kind of kept getting pushed back. It was like two hours later, and it was like crickets, like they weren't saying anything, and then they said something like it's going to be up tomorrow at noon, meaning today at noon. But then I saw I saw Claudia posted that she was watching it, So I'm like, how are some people getting access to it and then other people are not?
So you haven't seen it?
No, And I already know one spoiler.
Oh no, I know. I couldn't. I don't know a single thing about this season. I guess I just have a hard time with reality TV when I feel like.
It's about love.
I don't feel like it's about love, that's the thing. I feel like it's about like, well, the first season was so pure to me, like it felt like no one knew what to expect, and it blew up right and everyone just like got so popular on social media, kind of like how The Bachelor, but like times ten, like because it's Netflix, it's global, so like they blew up. So then anyone going on past the first season. It was like, Okay, we know what this is gonna happen
for our career or whatever. We liked The Bachelor, I know, but we went we social Media wasn't a thing when I went on till after, but now it is, I know. So it's the same thing. I have a hard time with The Bachelor too because of this. Don't I watch it but I'm not. I don't care because I'm like, Oh.
They might be there for the wrong reasons. Just what she's trying to show, just.
Saying are they saying yes because they want to? Are they saying yes because it's a money in the bank.
There's two people I don't know their names. I have to look them up. Do you remember Hannah the two from last season that are still together Brent Brendan.
No, Cameron and Lauren are still together from the first season.
No, from last season. There's a couple that like and I knew it too. They are endgame Brennan and Alexa. Brennan and Alexa.
You were very invested in them, so much that their names escape to you.
You know, I don't look at labels. I just look like people like.
Someone's name Okay. Anyways, so you felt like there were some like real genuine like you You didn't even feel awkward watching them interact because they felt meant to be.
Yeah, there's one couple that I like, I think are good this season, and the rest of them I think are not so good. Okay, So I'm really excited about the reunion because I'm excited to see where they all stand now.
So you like you like the kind of like messiness chaos of it all too, like you're entertained by.
Yeah, I'm entertained by. But you know what's so funny is so I'm still We got back from our flight and I still couldn't get it on Netflix. Ad come and so Robbie goes, did you watch the Love the Love Island UK Reunion? And I was like no? So then we watched the Love and Season nine reunion last night instead.
I tried to start that up again yesterday.
That is a great activity for you.
Yes, but you know what, I realize that I don't know what part of the show this is on. This might still be the first thing, but like new people will come in and just say who they want to pair up with, and even if they're in a couple, they have to go with them.
Yeah, because it's all about exploring.
Yeah, I don't like that.
No, it's good.
But can the person say no?
Yeah? Huh oh so yeah, yeah you can say no.
You can say Ron could have said no, oh yes, exactly exactly. I would be the most unhinged personal not show no.
But people do say no, like you Usually if they're like really early days, they'll be open to it and they'll go. But a lot like Tommy and Molly, Like Tommy was like, no, that's my girl.
How soon did they hook up? Like how long did the house fast? Did they? Because I like Ron and Lana together.
Right until he did that. Just wait, it gets worse.
But I didn't know that he could say no. So now I'm like, you can't say dang, that's yeah. I would not I would not do well.
Yeah. So anyways, I'll report back on the uh Love is Blind. Maybe I'll take.
That under my wing and start it today that we're actually.
Trying to get Chelsea and Kwame on on the podcast.
I know who that is, but I can't wait to know who they are. Yeah wait, I think I do know who Kwame is because I saw a video of him riding a bull. Yeah, I didn't like it.
Yeah, he's sketched me. Okay, sketch Yeah, but I don't want to like pollute your goin. I'll go in as the purest and I go in with your walls down.
I had a significant revelation on my trip or like after my well after my time with Haley. When I got home. We talked about it, but I figured we could take a break and I could come back and talk about it.
Yeah, all right, we're back.
So after I okay, my whole life and I feel like we've even talked about this on the podcast when we talk about attachment styles.
Attachment styles, let's lean back for this one. This feel this is a therapy session and I'm into it.
I don't know how therapeutic it'll be for anybody. It's gonna be therapeutic, but I think it's a realization I had so my whole life when it came to attachment style. So there's a void it, there's anxious, there's uh disorganized, and there's another Some people's safe someone else and then their security secure. Yeah, but sometimes the disorganized is like a worded differently. But anyways, I've always been avoidant my
whole life. I in every relationship, romantic, any type of friendship, whatever, just kind of like if there's confrontation, just like avoid it. We don't need to talk about it, sleep it under the rug. I don't care. Shut down. That's been my personality. So I think that in life, and since I've dated Haley, I've had certain people who are like close to me, I guess, shut down emotionally for me, of like being
there for me and there. And so I think in my relationship with Haley, I think that I've had this switch from avoidant to anxious. Yes, because in my mind, I'm like, well, if people that I feel like are suppose to be there for me and support me and like emotionally be there for me are able to shut down, then so like why wouldn't she at some point, like why wouldn't she be able to like walk away or
leave me or abandon me emotionally. So I've gone into this like from avoidant to anxious, which is a very you don't want to go in that direction.
No, And also going from avoidant to anxious is like even worse, I feel, because avoidant you're just.
Like h yeah, well yeah, yeah, it's worse. But also I'm still kind of have both, Like I kind of am like I shut down, but I'm anxious about it. I'm not able to just like shut down and like block it off. So it's like I've got both. The goal when you're anxious or avoidant is to get to a place where you're secure. So I thought with therapy from avoidant, I would go to secure. So this new realization has been good for me because it's now I can be like, Okay, I can work on like you
know you can. You can grow with these things. It's not like permanent, but it was interesting.
But doesn't don't those styles change throughout the years, Like, for example, you were avoidant because maybe that wasn't the one. Maybe you're anxious now because you're so in love. Maybe twenty years from now you'll be secure because there's so much behind you.
Like doesn't it evolve?
Maybe, But like twenty years for me to be anxious until I finally feel the caure is not good to think about. Yeah, I don't want to be anxious.
I long for the day that I may be securely attached. I look at it with a hopeful heart for myself someday that maybe.
Maybe the marriage or maybe engagement, maybe it's that lifelong commitment, right, maybe it turns it into secure attests.
You know what's interesting actually, as vanessla Shay because I have got on my mind, Vanessa Hudgens was just talking about how she feels a sense of security now that she's engaged, and I was like, I've maybe that is the ticket. Maybe it isn't the form of like a lifelong commitment, but the way I see it is like, even if you're engaged, that's not there's nothing promised. People could divorce people, you know, Like that's my mind.
There's no ring that doesn't just happen.
Like I feel like, I feel like I was anxious before I got married, and I know that I'm secure now. And I don't know at what point that switch flipped, but I do think that happens.
I think that comes with the territory.
I mean, you're gonna get anxious if you feel things aren't going well, if you think the marriage is falling apart. The anxiety will come back, of course, but I think the secure comes in once you make the lifelong, mutual commitment.
Bless that day the hurdle of finding a judge in an attorney to dissolve the relationship. Well, it makes me more secure, Like, if this person wants to leave, they got a file paper, they can't just say that's true.
There's a lot of hurdles. They got a real contract.
Yeah, why I look forward to that, that moment in my life when that shift happens. I see it. I do see it coming for me.
I see it coming for you too.
Yeah. I do feel like my anxious attachment has gotten better in my relationship with Robbie than it has been in the past, but it's definitely still there.
Yeah, I don't feel like you. I think there are certain things where you're that maybe you struggle with, but I don't feel like the anxiety that I once felt for me.
Yeah, thank you so much. So I do feel that shift as well in myself.
Great. So, yeah, maybe it's not just a ring or marriage, but we're so hopeful we want that. Yeah, we're looking for that.
Yeah, we're just really hopeful for the future.
I did listen to your episode with Robbie. Oh yeah, and I was dying at you going to the bathroom in front of him and him talking about the like blank like stare on you know that look right. No, I've never watched you.
Poo No, I know, but like that look of like get like, hey, get out, I have to. I didn't want to tell him what I was doing. I just didn't. Yeah, I wouldn't. By the way, it's very exciting for me, you know, like I have bathroom issues.
So that was like I was.
It was such a juxtaposition of emotions because on one hand, I was very thrilled for myself that it was just happening, yeah, and freaked out because he was in the bathroom with me.
I'm stressed about the usage of slipped out. So yeah. But I also got this theory that Robbie can't smell.
Yeah, so I will say, no, his sinuses are whack, like he's got some sinus issues and like, and I've tested this theory before because I like, actually let some farts slip, and he doesn't smell a thing about something he was He was.
Like, yeah, I didn't smell it. I'm like, yeah, I don't think you can smell.
The Lord blessed me with a boyfriend who can't sell you.
Remember what you said, The Lord works mysterious way.
Yeah, that's one of them right there, And that was.
A tree a question, And I'm sorry I was in here last week. I'm sorry I missed that episode. But I thought you weren't going to be using the bathroom in front of partners moving forward.
I thought that was a new rule was still in place.
Thanks for tuning in, Mark, But it accidentally happened.
No, I understand that. I get that it sneaked out, but you're still going Toumber one front.
Yeah, we pee in front of each other.
But why, why? Why? I thought that? I thought that was also off the.
Tabe pings, Ping's nothing, Ping's treat the eyes too.
I don't think it is my.
Mike, Mike the marriage I'm involved with the relationship I'm with. There's no there's no waste release in front of the partner.
Oh interesting, No, we pee in front of each other. That's not a thing that.
Not only is it not happening in front of us, it's not even mentioned. Right, there's a lot of going in the bathroom to wash my hands.
Wow, really, you really keeping mysterious?
I p in front of Becca to me, Yeah, but with Haley, we will be in front of each other.
But I like my private I mean, I just like we could closed door situation. There's no open door policy, and like if we're at a let's say we're at a restaurant or something and there's a one like a one person stall, she and I will go in together just like pee at the same time somewhere.
Just that's weird.
Really, See I don't think that's weird. Oh oh I do have my friends too.
Yeah, yeah, we it's not like.
Open door policy. But we were like getting ready to go on a flight, so it was like pee, brush your teeth, pat Like, so.
There's one bathroom in the house for.
Us, oh the kids were for us. Yeah, one bathroom. Right, there's a lot of stuff happening.
I think in that scenario I would have.
Excuse myself or excuse my wife in that scenario, especially if there was any chance I had won.
In the chamber.
Too, there was like it was a it was the amount of time that was spent, like he was looking at her and like analyzing.
Her facially, Like there was a lot times and that was just like this.
And he was brushing his teeth during this time. Yes, that's stressful. Yeah, it's all very stress Yet I would say Hey, I don't want to give too many details, but I need you to leave. Thank you so much.
Yeah, well, we did come up with this thing. It's called business call. Likely I got to go a business call, yeah, and that would be like I have to go to use the restroom, but what.
About an emergency business call has come through exit?
You know Hindsight's twenty twenty.
Yeah.
Yeah, But it is funny because when when we were in Cabo, I was I texted Becca. I was listening to this audiobook that she's been telling me to listen to, The Untethered Soul, and we didn't tell a story on the podcast. When Robbie was here, I forgot about it. It was so funny because we're like laying out and he's on like the chair behind me, and I'm like in the chair that's like in the pool, and I have my earbuds in and all of a sudden, he just
hears me going, yeah, yeah, that's good. Oh, Like I'm like the you know, as I'm listening to these revelations from the book, and he's like, didn't know I was listening to He's like, Babe, what's going on. I was like, I'm not centered makes sense now, Like I was having all these like like making verbal noises to the audiobook that I was listening to in my ears, and then I texted back and I was like, wow, this book.
Wow.
So you're just like a I have.
An untethered soul adjacent I'm not quite there yet.
Yeah yeah, yeah, so you have an untethered just like dialogue with yourself out loud.
Yeah, but it really brought up these interesting points that I was like, oh my gosh.
I need to keep reading it. Maybe do you listen? Have you found listening to the audiobook is good? Like do you like that version or do you wish you were reading it?
I like to do both. When when I buy a pool, I don't enjoy getting like books all sweaty and like gross, So I like audiobooks when I'm like out, but I prefer books like in bed.
Okay, good to know because I was like, I need to I really need to continue reading it. Yeah, everybody you want.
To pick that book up and give it a whirl.
I've heard of that life like I've literally heard people say it's changed our life. So I'm it changed a portion of my life. Did you finish it?
No?
Oh?
But That's what I'm saying. Like I've only listened to a couple of chapters and man, you don't even recognize me anymore.
Yeah, just like she felt it all did. Okay, So you brought up Vanessa Hudgens talking about being secure and just this morning we have discovered that Zac Efron followed Vanessa Hudgens on Instagram.
Are you sure about this as it's been confirmed?
Yeah, there's a screenshot of it who he follows? But do you want to are you gonna check?
Yeah, I'm gonna follow this.
Yeah, And like she's engaged, she's moved on, But it's.
Always interesting Vanessa Hudgens what she does not follow him back?
Oh? Do you think he was like reliving memories or like watched maybe a TikTok montage when they were together.
And I'm convinced this has something to do with high school methics, musical high school musical? Are they're working on something together? This isn't just some like Willia Nilly follow.
Well, she didn't follow him.
So something you're saying publicity stunt? Yeah, isn't that fun? Isn't that? Isn't that a crazy world they live in?
Like can you imagine if you followed someone who became headline news.
Well, yeah, you had like thee a relationship like that that was like so people were so obsessed with it, and then you had this like very public breakup and then followed that person.
I mean, I dream of having a headline that says, Eastern Allen has unfollowed RBS breaking news.
Something like that's never going to happen. Then they come up, yeah, you ever knows.
And then also Sean Mendez and Camila Cabeo spotted making out at Coachella.
Yeah, because of them got that photo, by the way, one of them kissing.
The whole thing.
He Ronnie got the photo of them like interacting, not the video of them kissing.
It's a video, well video slash photo.
Well whatever kiss was there.
Yeah, because yeah, Ronnie got a video he put he put in our kiss I group chat. There's this picture that he got of Camila and Sean like talking to each other, like very closely. And he was kind of going through the debate of like do I post this, do I not post this? Do I post this? Do I not post this? And then that photo that he posted kind of got picked up by all these outlets, and then later on somebody got video of them like kissing.
I'm shocked, are you yes?
Yes? Why what's shocking?
You're the one that has.
Solve them never lasting. So I'm like, I can't believe this reunion.
I think they're still never lasting.
Tanya, I mean, yeah, maybe it means nothing. I just wanted to like having it. I know, I'm not I don't even think they'll get back together and have a relationship.
But our apparently are back together. It's not yours, but yeah, she said to paparazzi. But it was very like passerby because the paparazzi said like well. The paparazzi said like, are you guys back together? And she was not even looking at him. She was like talking to her friend and she was like yes. I was like, is that your friend.
I'm like she could just be like yeah, like leave me alone. It means nothing.
I just think, like, you don't make out at Coachella unless you want to be seen making out at Coachella.
No, I agree one thousand percent, but yeah, And a lot of people are asking my thoughts about Joe and Taylor Swift if I had a feeling about them.
Oh yeah, I know that. You know what's so crazy is that we didn't even ask you about them because we thought they were They're not like.
A like people know, but people don't like they're not.
I don't know.
No, no, yeah, that one was. It was fuzzy. It's fuzzy. My feeling on them was fuzzy. Oh so you couldn't get like I've been breaking up. I'm not like, oh my gosh, I'm shocked because I don't think we knew a lot. We had no information on their relationship in general. But you know how I feel about I just want Taylor to be happy.
I I just like, I just wanted to be happy.
If she's happy with him, I want her to be with him, and she's happy without him. I'm happy for her without him.
Yeah, we never got your take on it because you were gone.
Yeah, I was gone. Were you sad She's sad? I'm sad. I wasn't. I don't like that's what that's the feeling. I didn't. I didn't feel shocked. I was just kind of like, oh wow, very sagittarius of you.
Why they just kind of adapt other emotions.
Well when it's like the hero of our generation Taylor Swift. Then yeah, I want her to feel whatever she wants to feel, and I'm on board with her.
You see her stepping out for her first like solo night in those butterfly pants.
I sure did thought of you. I wonder where those are from.
They're sold out.
Yeah, well you got on that quick, real quick.
I was like, my girl, Taylor's going through a rebirth.
I I know what my thought process was when this happened is that we don't know anything, whether it was him or her or whatever. But either way, breaking up is so hard, whether you're the one to initiate it or you're the one who gets broken up with. And the fact that.
She just has harder when you're the one broken up with.
Yeah, but still like to get out on the stage and like sing, you know, like be on every night after night. That's a lot for someone to do. And I mean she's a business woman, she's gonna do it too, you know.
But that's a difference between a professional and an amateur.
Mm hmmm, because that is hard.
I remember I had I did my Modern Woman workshop the day the day after robbing, and I broke up and I was like, how am I just gonna like be fine during this thing. I have to like talk and engage, and I'm like I can't even like stop crying for five seconds. Yeah, I had to put my face in a bowl of ice stop myself from crying.
Yeah. Well, she is a professional and she knows what she's doing. She's got a good team around her.
How do you feel about her doing different songs in each tour stop and then hope and not repeat anything, because to me, that's stressful. She she's like, oh I don't get to see that one because by the times you get to La, She's gonna do a lot.
Of different songs.
My favorite moments that I've seen of her when she kind of like messes up or does like you know, something's not working and she's just like, hey, you know, I love seeing because I think when I think of Taylor Swift, I'm like, she's just this like bigger than life, like has everything lined up, like there could how could there be a mistake at that level? But it's like I like how she handles it. She's very just like human. Yeah, which she is a human, I get it, But.
I do feel personally attacked that she swapped out in Visible Strength for the one.
Yeah that I was wondering how you were navigating those.
Not summer thrilled about it, but I get it.
Yeah, because that song was like very obviously about Joe.
Yeah, and you have.
A friend who wants to hear Clean in the LA shows. So she checks nervous, she wants to hear peace, oh piece.
Okay, yeah, Claudia. Every day she checks, let's to make sure she hasn't sung piece yet.
I am gonna be sad when if I'm not there when I know she's gonna do out of the Woods on the piano and I just know it, and she did a Grammy performance of it, and it's one of my favorite songs she's ever done. And I just I know she's gonna do it, and I don't know where, but I hope it's if I go to a show, I hope it's aid that one.
Yeah.
But yeah, I guess you kind of just have to go in being like it is what it is. It is. I have no control.
Such is life, you know, such is life. You can't control what happens. You just control your reaction.
When I realize this thing about the attachment styles, I was listening to a podcast on it, and she was saying, this woman was saying, she was talking about how you like regulate your nervous system and how that's what gets out of like when we start overthinking, our nervous system gets so anxious. But she was saying, a lot of times someone might think that you're wanting to control them, but it's not that you want to control them. It's that you want to feel in control. And I was like, oh,
that's so you're not trying. It's not that you're trying to control someone else. You just want to feel like you're in control, which is a big difference of that issue, because like I feel like sometimes when I don't feel in control, that's what I panic about, and it can come across of like I'm trying to control something when I'm just like, I don't feel safe, so I want to feel in control.
Right, The person being controlled might be very offended by That was always not about them.
At all, just about yeah, that's good stuff, thank you so much. I didn't It wasn't me. I think we are going to take a break and come back. Really, I was reading over them last night, so we'll be back with some tough emails, all right, we are back, and yeah, we have some intense emails today, so Mark, you take it away.
Thank you so much, Becker.
They're both anonymous, and this first one says I recently won on a cruise for a girl's trip. We quickly became friends with lots of new people. One thing led to another, and I made a really great connection with a guy.
But I'm married.
I've been married a year, and I'm afraid that I settled. I've been unhappy for a while, but my husband has no idea and this will completely blindside him. On the cruise, I did end up hooking up with this new guy, and we've remained in contact and could really make this work. I want to ask for a divorce, but I'm conflicted on how I should tell him. Does he need to know the whole truth or do I protect him and just explain to him about how unhappy I've been.
First of all, you remember how he said that arene or marriage really makes you feel safe here?
Yeah? Ming ming ming Ming, ming ming ming.
I was shocked at the end of this, you know, because I wasn't expecting the question to be so like cut throat.
I was like, oh right, I thought she was gonna be like, should I stay with my husband or do I pursue this guy? And now she's like, no, I'm going to pursue this guy, but what do I.
Do with my huse He's like, DONIA tell him or not?
Yeah?
I absolutely think you should have a very honest conversation with your husband.
I think that you need to slow down here, though, don't you think no?
No, oh, she feels like she's settled.
Okay, but do you owe to him to give this something of a shot, Like, I know this bright and shiny, happy new thing is exciting right now, but you are married. I feel like you owe something to your partner.
There, she owes the truth. I do think she should tell him what happened, but maybe if she tells him what happened, he might want a divorce.
I think the first step here is at least slowing down to have the conversation, and I think it should be a very honest conversation. I don't think you do him any favors protecting him by not telling the full
truth of what happened. I think you need to take accountability for your actions, and if you want to leave this marriage and be with this person, then you need to be, you know, just as honest and upfront with your feelings and tell him what happened, because I don't think that it's fair to think that you're protecting him by just saying you're you're unhappy and want to leave. I don't think that's fair.
Yeah, I agree, But how much of this is this other guy? Did she feel like she was settling before she met this other guy? Does she wanted divorce before she met this other guy. I'm worried that this bright show on a new thing is causing her a warped view of her marriage, which may not be that bad, and he may be.
A good guy.
Well let him just I mean, I think at this point it's up to the husband's decision to be like, she cheated. Yeah, she cheated. No matter what way you slice the cake, she cheated. So I think that that's the first conversation is saying like, hey, I went on this vacation, I had a connection with someone else, and you know, maybe they've had conversations about her being unhappy. I don't, we don't know that. I don't think she's
she said, I've been unhappy for a while. Oh, he has no idea so he's shucked.
That's interesting because that is a problem if you've been unhappy for a while and your husband has no idea. That I think is a problem. I feel like there's
something that women take on. We want to try and protect either like the guy or the other person, and so we like take all of this on and we don't want to share our feelings or share how things are affecting us until we bottle it up, and that makes you unhappy, when really, if you communicate and you let those feelings out, maybe you can prevent all this because then maybe you won't be unhappy in your marriage.
But part of me, I'm thinking about to what Mark said about how did she is she really unhappy or did she have a connection, and go, I don't have that with my husband. I'm settling because like I don't have this like exciting rush of emotions, and like I feel like when people meet in especially on a vacation, you're on a cruise, you're like relaxed, and then you have a connection. It also feels like exciting and like dangerous because you're doing something that you're not supposed to do.
You know, It's like, are these feelings once you get back to real life with this new guy. Is it going to be as magical as you've put in your head that it is that you've like left your marriage.
For I have a feeling that she might tell him about the infidelity and he might want the divorce.
Maybe.
But men and women cheat for different reasons, right, Men cheat because they're for sexual reasons, for lustful reasons. I feel like women cheat because they're not getting something they need from their husband. Emotional could be physically whatever, but men she physical reasons. I feel like women sheet more
for emotional reasons. Yeah, if my wife told me that she was developing feelings for someone else, I'd try to figure out what I was not giving her, what I can do more to make her happy, because clearly she's not happy. I would try to fix it. If I were this guy, I wouldn't say goodbye. It's only been a year, so we'll see, but I would try to fix it if I were him. If you want out, you're just gonna have to do it because he may not.
And my other thought is she's like we've been I've been in contact with this guy and could really make it work. What if he's kind of like that was just a vacation flling and I'm not trying to have anything serious.
I think there's a good chance of thating.
Well, I think that she needs to base her decision on her marriage, not based on this guy at all.
Yeah, I agree. I think she needs to like make a decision that she what she wants out of life and not and not not based this guy. And also I think you are upfront and tell your husband the whole truth, because I think you've, you know, broken the promise of you're married to him, So you've broken that trust. So I think it's to even be able to leave with like a good conscious you need to tell him what happened.
Yeah, and you got to remember all the things that made you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, all the way back in twenty twenty two, you know, all the way back that was not that long ago, that you've decided to spend your entire life with this guy.
He's got to have some good qualities. There's got to be something there.
Yeah, we don't have enough information.
Why why don't you know about that married you do rush into these days? No evidence of that is Yes, I think we have to assume that there are good reasons for this marriage.
Correct. We don't know what this marriage. But I do think a lot of people rush into marriage because it's just the right time, it's what they're supposed to do. People get scared, they don't want to get older, they want having babies. I think there's a lot of reasons that people get married that are not for the right reasons.
Or they say yes and then it gets to the wedding and they're like, I'm not I'm not sure I want this, but there's so much done already I can't leave. So we don't know enough details of the situation, but I think you need to have the whole The question was does he need to know the whole truth? And my opinion is yes, Yeah, all right.
Next to an anonymous long time listener, I'd love to get some advice in a situation with my ex. We dated almost ten years, got engaged in year nine.
He has a long.
History of cheating, both physically and emotionally. I knew of most of it during the relationship, but often was made to feel like I'm crazy or making something out of nothing.
Well, some of it came out after I broke off our engagement as well.
I went through a very very dark period after as I still thought he was the love of my life. Fast forward to now, it's been about a year and a half after I broke it off.
We are still in each other's lives.
We are finally able to speak without wanting to kill each other and somewhat rekindling things.
I've been in therapy, so is he.
He's starting to go to church, which is wild, and doing Bible study to make him a better man his words. He's taken a lot of accountability and seems like he's done a lot of growing where discovering the possibility of trying things again. I'm very aware of my worth now and require that we go to therapy together and take this very slow. However, he isn't putting that much effort, in my opinion, and I'm the one driving the conversation of what are we doing. We've hung out, we've talked.
I feel like we're way past the talking stage and more of the let's dive in and see if we can do this stage. But maybe I'm wrong in rushing that portion, or am I just being dumb altogether?
Please help me.
I think nine years of being able to cheat physically and emotionally on someone that's you know how Tonia talks about character.
He is that's a character flaw. It's a character flaw for sure. And I think I'm just going to say this. I think sometimes because we invest so much time into somebody, we let that cloud our judgment because you don't want to feel like you wasted ten years of your life on somebody that isn't going to be in your life forever. And I think sometimes we let that time cloud are actual judgment on this person, and I think you lose You're not seeing the forest through the trees. Does that
make sense? So like you're so attached to the fact that, oh, I've been dating this person for ten years, but marriage is what it is, and it's nature is your lifetime. So it's like, yes, maybe you waste it. I don't even consider it wasted because you obviously learned a lot. But like ten years on this person, it's okay because you still have so much of your life ahead of your ahead of you, and I think that you can find somebody that's not making you question all these things.
And I do think I will say it. I do think that cheating does prove a part of character, and I think character is one of the most important things when you're in a relationship.
And I do think. I think people can change and grow, and I think you can become a better person. But I also think you've done so much work on yourself, and you even said like you have discovered your worth. And I think that if you've gotten to that place and you've been able to live without him, I think you move on and like and find someone who isn't going to make you question or like immediately need to get into therapy with because you need to feel like
you can trust him. Like, I think you should be able to feel safe in a relationship, and I don't think you've had that for ten years. So I think you give yourself the gift of moving on from this.
Yeah, and I know it's hard because.
You invest so much time and you grow with someone, But I think that you have found your worth and who you are as an individual, and I think you allow her to experience a love that you deserve.
Yeah, yeah, I'm with you. Give out. Yeah, I don't Yeah, give out. Yeah, it's all bad. It's all bad, and you've got to eat somebody else. Wait, till you.
Find out what the life your life is like when you date someone else. Yeah, it's really going to be lovely for you. He's going to be a better person. Let him be a better person another person.
Exactly. It's like you're meant to be, but not made to last.
Oh my gosh, say it again.
Meant to be, not made to last?
Twenty three three.
All right, we have a podcast this Thursday. We are interviewing Jason Murray Smith. She is an influencer podcaster. I love her. She's one of my favorite people to follow on social media, and we're gonna sit down and chat with her for Thursday's episodes. So we'll be back on Thursday. Hee bye.