Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rep An iHeartRadio podcast.
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing.
In, scrubbing in, like we're scrubing in.
Oh, Tanya is has just referred to herself as a sinking ship.
I feel as though I'm a sinking ship over here.
So we got into this like right before we started the podcast. But you're you had caffeine.
Yeah, I'm weaning off of it. So I'm just putting less and less in my morning espresso. So like I always make an espresso at home, I put my almond milk in it, and I come to work. I usually bring two of them with me. I'll make two because I have small little cups. Is going on the.
Harkst popular He's gonna spun on.
Well, so I bring two in and now I've gone down. I went down to one, and then today I put in half the espresso. So I'm still having the caffeine, but I'm having crazy headaches.
Well, how many days did you do just one?
One?
Oh?
Yeah, that's not how you wean off of something.
I don't know how. I've never weaned before.
Terrible. Yeah, you're supposed to wean like like you could have done like one for like a few days, right, and then done half. Yeah, it's not like your body just adjusts after one day.
So my body's not adjusting. I have like gnarly headaches, and I'm going to switch. What I realized is I'm going to become a Macha person. Okay, So yesterday Robin and I did some research on like, you know, a little whisk togett, like whisk it and put hot water and it. Yeah, but none of the supplies have arrived yet. We ordered them on Amazon, So I'm gonna wean for another like day or two.
Okay, great, But isn't this a sign that maybe you shouldn't have any caffeine in your life if you're that addicted to it, having.
The alarming But you know what's interesting, I'm surprised nobody asked where this came from.
Well, we know where it came from.
No, I don't think you know.
Where did it come from?
So I met this gal who was like the epitome of what I look like, what health is like. She was talking to me like she just had this energy. You know that energy and you meet somebody you're like, wow, you have good energy. She had that energy, and I started asking her. She was teaching this workout class that I was in, and I started asking her about her life, and I was just like, where is this energy coming from?
Like how are you so aligned? She was talking about all the things that she does not consume, which is alcohol, caffeine, She goes to bed at eight thirty, She drinks a lot of water. I mean, she teaches probably like a lot of hot pilates classes. But it's all all in her diet. Doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, like, none of that stuff like very very It's all standard things that you would expect, you know. But then hearing it and just seeing her glow, I was like, I want that glow.
And I've been doing all this stuff of getting rid of all the toxins and trying to really you know, be anti inflammatory for my health. And I'm like, why don't I just take the leap and just like really go for it this year which includes songs.
Coffee, and alcohol.
Well, so, uh, I think cutting alcohol might make me sad a little bit, So I'm trying to slow.
Is interesting, This is an interesting take on this whole thing.
I'm trying to slow off.
You're just going to kick and shoes, Like, if you want to be this woman, then she's giving you the exact path.
I think I don't want to.
Be anybody but myself.
Alcohol is a depressant, and I think caffeine would be I think alcohol. If you were like wanting to glow, I think alcohol would be the first thing, and then maybe the caffeine.
But sometimes alcohol makes me glow more.
I glow when I am drownk.
Yeah, I am basically illuminating when I'm drying drunk.
Yeah.
Same.
But that's interesting. So alcohol will eventually happen.
It's tapering off, it's slowing down.
Like does Robby want to give up any of this?
It's so interesting you bring that up because I was scared he was going to be upset about the coffee, but he was so game, and he was like, I'm down to become a Macha man and like down to do with me. And then this morning, well this morning he sent me some articles that explain that cutting out coffee is not really beneficial in the anti inflammatory world. But I don't know what that means yet.
Look, I think the key is Gotti pilates, because I don't do any of the things you listed, and I never have my whole life and I don't have the glow.
It's interesting, Yeah, you don't have the same glow as this girl.
I don't.
Yeah, interesting point, Mark.
But also I would also argue that you don't need any of those things. You don't need alcohol, you don't need caffeine, you don't need any of them.
So here's the thing in life you don't really need, Like you don't need a home, but we have them.
We do.
Hak Food and shelter are needs. In fact, that's the definition of basic needs.
Up there too. Food. I don't need this sweater, I don't need this hair tie, but I enjoy them in my life, right, But if.
You're addicted to them, maybe that's something you would not want.
It feels like a deeper because therapist, Perhaps I need to seek the professional help on this one.
Yeah, yeah, Well okay, so we're here, so we're weaning. We're weeding quick, We're weaning fast, like this is a fast wean.
You've never weaned like this before.
Let me tell you, you know, speaking of glow, you know who has a glow but a different type, like I don't know, I don't know the girl that you're talking about. So I don't know the glow that you speak of.
I will show you her, but it's got to see her in person. I'll bring you to a class.
Okay, great, can't wait. Jess Clark has a glow.
She does have a glove.
And she was at Dean and Kaylan's UH Jess Clark Higgins.
Jess Clark Higgins.
Wow.
Yeah, she deserves that respect.
She was at Dean and Kaylan's UH engagement party, which was so fun. I loved. I had such a great time. I did too, and I didn't know Justice is gonna be there. And I was talking to her and I was like, you know, some people just have that that spark, that glow in their eyes, and she has it.
She has it. Yeah, I agree, she's special. She is special.
Ben wasn't there. She just came by herself, I know, which I love. Just like I went for the day. She came up for the day and it was pouring rain, and she was like, I would do the same thing for you guys. I was like, noted, where do I send it? But yeah, Dean and Kaylen had their engagement party on Saturday. It was pouring rain, but it was so the rain made it like romantic and magical and cozy, and it was just like such a beautiful venue. It was so nice.
It was really really fun. I feel like a lot of the time in people that live in La don't like to do things when it rains, and so it was kind of like I felt sad for them because it's like you think of rain, you just think of blah blah. Yeah, yeah, but it really wasn't It was such a fun, beautiful party.
My mother and father came and picked me up Ya Tanya.
And Robbie, thy mother and thy father and.
Didn't make me drive because Haley has been in her riding camp so she wasn't there. So I was like, they were coming to get me, and she goes, we're gonna be a little bit later than I thought, so you can go by yourself if you want, And I was like, no, I don't want to walk in alone. I hate go I hate I realized I hate walking in alone.
The best part is though, I was like, I was panicking because we were going to be about an hour late and I don't like being late. Actually, really funny, you ask, but.
It wasn't just a preface this It wasn't a like sit down dinner or something. It was like a come in go.
Party starts at three. We were't gonna get their closer to four because we had Spectrum Man coming to the house because we were so we were sa on internet for four days. So if you want to ask what I did for those days, I cleared out a lot of photos out of my photo streams.
This is important.
Thank you.
Yeah, I felt like.
I made use of my time, did some br cleaned.
Out some things virtual reality those.
Goggles the kids haven't, so you know, it was time well spent. But anyways, he was there fixing the internet, and so we needed to answer some questions a lot. So we just had a later bit of a start. So I text Becca thinking she's going to be like, ill, just uber, I'm close, you know.
I don't want to be literally right down the street.
Could not have been chiller. She's like, I have zero stress about getting there late. You guys come pick me up at your leisure.
I was like, okay, it's interesting that you won't walk in loon. Meanwhile, Jess flew across the country to arrivalone and.
Even when she saw she was like, oh my gosh, I'm so happy all are here, because I didn't know if I was going to know, like, no, no anyone here other than obviously it's that glow. And I was sinking to myself, could I ever do that?
It's the glow makes you glow, it makes you go and maybe that's your low going.
Oh because I'm not glowing wow wow. Anyways, I realized, yeah, I don't so any social event. I'm always like when I'm when Ali or Tory sends me an invite to something like do you want to go to this? I always am like, do I get a plus one? Because it's going alone. I'd rather just not go.
You know what's funny is those like industry events or whatever, I never get a plus one. I always go to them alone and I never know who's going to be at them. I just show up and I'm like.
You go, I go, you go.
But yeah, I did go up to Natasha Berat is it Beret?
Yeah?
I thought she was Chef Bay and I was like, are you I follow you on Instagram? She's like no, but I've heard that and I was like, oh, you look very familiar.
Though she speaking of I saw her. She was like doing to get ready with me on TikTok and she was going to Nick and Natalie's engagement party.
Oh, she's friends with them.
Yeah, she's really good friends with them.
You her face, I knew her face, but then I remembered it was like the hair. Her hair was your inspo.
Yeah, yes, yeah, yeah, and it's probably so cute. And you know, I later found out that she has a very different hair type than me. So if you're gonna cut your hair like someone, make sure you at least have a similar texture and hair type because that can make all the difference.
It's a great tip for a listeners.
Just here to give insight where I can't lave y'all with no regrets like I have.
Was there anybody at the party that you hadn't seen in a while that you were like really excited about Dean and Kaln's Yeah, besides Jess.
Well I hadn't seen was like, n No, I hadn't seen Sarah and Wells since their wedding and stuff, and I always love seeing them. I love talking to Sarah, like, I find her so interesting and she's so like kind and funny.
Yeah, am I missing someone? No?
Oh?
Oh, I thought you just questioned, just curious, George over here.
Was there anyone that you had missed?
Yeah, I hadn't seen Wells in a really long time, and I enjoy walls a lot.
The same I to enjoy Wells. Remember when you went through your Dean phase. Yes, that was an intense wow.
Yeah, it's so funny because I forgot about the Dean phase. And I had two of my girlfriends over, Pauline and Sophia over on Friday night. They're having dinner over at the house, and I told him that tomorrow was the you know, the next day was Dean and Klein's engagement party. And she was like why, she goes, yeah, I saw
the engagement. She was I don't know why I follow him on Instagram and I was like and then Paulina was like, yeah, because T had like a crush on him, and I think you probably you guys probably met somewhere. And I was like, oh my gosh, how funny she's been following Dean all these years because I like had a crush on him for like two weeks.
Yeah, and went, yeah, you saw together right, Yer.
Crushed too, as a whirlwind because then we went to iHeart Festival and it was Tanya on drug.
It was a full.
Spot so bad.
Yeah, Tanya was I don't know that I've ever seen you like that since before or since correct, It.
Was a because you know what was interesting. It was like, I will never date Dean. I don't want to date Dean. We're so not compatible. And then Deane's like, well, give me a chance, let's go out. So I went out with him, and I was like, wait, I could date Dean.
I do think he's nice.
So I was like this roller coaster of emotions and then when he didn't want me back, I was like, well, what the hell? Why did we do this whole song and dance? Like what is going on? I will say in hindsight, Dean's rejection was God's protection.
I love Dean, but let me tell you something.
I love Dean.
Kaylan is a special, special human.
They are so perfect for each other, Like they are really a good team and a good partnership and partner. They are partners and he and I would have been a terrible partnership.
And I am happy that it all worked out the way that it did.
But yeah, I really went through a I just like since I've known Dean, like meeting him post Bachelor, where he was like the way girls reacted to him when he we all went to like an Ed Shearon concert together. It was like justin Bieber. There was a crowd of girls following trying to get a selfie him, and.
I was like, what the he was the moment, but knowing.
Him from them, and then seeing him and Kaylen jingle Ball the way he looks at her like without even I don't even know if he realizes. I was just like I was watching her talk and I looked at him in the way he was looking at her. I was like, who I never would have thought we would see Dean this way like this, Yeah.
It is really cute. I remember we had some sort of podcast weekend where we all went up to like when you got COVID, Yeah, and so it was just kind of we really bonded. Robbie and I bonded with the two of them. We played fish Bowl and just had like a really fun weekend and like Dean and Robbie really hit it off. And then at your Christmas party at the was a Gingerbread house making party, it was it came back like their bromance just is like
so they have this thing. It's I don't know, it's really I love to see it.
Probably really connects with other men. I mean he connects with everybody because he's very thoughtful and listens. But like the way he's like very thoughtful, especially when it comes to like finding things in calm with other men.
I couldn't agree with you more. It's something that detracts me to him so much. It's such a random thing. But even like, uh, like the people that work the booth, the where you get like if no, the tickets where you get like the booths when you go to park your car, oh, you take a booth, the ticket booth,
people parking lot attendant. He will make conversation and be like hey manah, like make a joke with them, like because there was a guy like hitting the button and he was like, nobody can figure out how to punch this button. You got to sit out here. He's like yeah, man, Like they have this full Bromo man while he's driving the car, And I'm like, I love that about him because he just engages with people. He listens.
He's very intentional about like connection with people.
Yeah, even if it loved that about him. Yeah, and like That's why I love because I could literally bring him anywhere and he can really hit it off with like anybody.
Yeah, that's a really good quality to have in somebody.
Yeah, like a butterfly a partner, like a social butterfly partner.
My partner Andy uses soap, so that's another advantage over Dean.
Yes he does use soap. Yes, he is very clean.
That he's a clean man.
He's a clean man and a handsome man.
Okay, I got invited to this party. It was for the OBB media. It was like this, I don't know, it's like a media company and I didn't know what it was.
Okay, when's a party?
It was? It was the night of Dean and Kalen sing, Oh.
You should have gone, but we could have gone with you.
I was, uh no for an Audrey invited me, so it was like you were invited. Sorry, But I was like, oh, you know, it was like rainy and so I have Poe home alone. I was like, I'm just gonna stay in. But it was like Justin Bieber performed, Hailey Bieber was there, Alex Earl thel Yes, and I'm just.
Talking about her.
I told you everybody's talking about her. Everybody like, I.
Love doing research on her because you mentioned know, you want to talk about her later this week on the Seacrest Show. So I was doing my research and yeah, she's getting two million followers in a month.
It's yeah, insanity. I don't think there's ever been.
What shes doing? What do you mean like she hanging what?
Yeah? Like as a guest, as a preaty observer.
No, but what was she doing? Was she drinking a bottle of water?
Rose? I didn't go.
Oh, I forgot the couch. I didn't go. All these people were.
There, Yeah, so I didn't go. And I'm like seeing all these videos and posts on TikTok and Instagram, and I'm like, oh my gosh, why didn't you go?
You gotta go, you gotta go, and I gotta go.
I know.
So now I'm gonna say yes to everything.
Oh this bodes well for me?
What if I said no to you?
For No, You've been really good in twenty twenty three.
Yeah, seventeen days in Yeah, these have been a strong.
Pretty Yeah, I've been pretty good. Yeah, in seventeen days. But yeah, Alex Earl, she is just dominating the social media world.
You know what's funny. I was watching her review air one food and I'm like, I love this, yes, why, I'm like, I've eaten these foods, I know what they taste like, and yet I want yeah, yeah, I don't need her to tell me that it was kind of good or like too much greens. I'm like, I like the greens. I like the colored greens, and yet I'm want to I want to watch more, Like if I do my gluten free reviews, I don't know if they're going to be that engaging.
But what is it that makes her so engaging?
I don't know.
So I went to this event for summer Fridays last week.
Was she there?
She was there, but like there were so many people there, and I just it's kind of like how we were talking about if you met like someone that you really admired, going up and saying hi, And I just was like, I don't know, I missed my opportunity.
But I gotta do it. I'll never forget. I saw Kelly Kelly Kelly at a Kelly No No, No, Kelly Levec. She's like a she makes recipes and she's like a wellness girl on TikTok or on sorry and Instagram and I follow her and I love her. And I saw her at Jessica Alba event and I was like, oh my gosh, I folloume so excited, Like I totally geeked out, and she was so sweet. Couldn't have been sweeter.
Was there like a moment where y'all were next to each other?
You want to right up to her?
Yeah?
I gotta be better about that.
Yeah. These people know millions of people follow them, so they're like, I know. It's like if somebody went up to you and said.
Hey, I love meeting people. Yeah, So I don't know why I fear that.
Yeah, it's interesting. Maybe ask her therapist about that.
I should thank you so much. Thank you. You asked about the eliminating things in your life, and.
I'll yeah, yeah, my extremism.
Yeah, definitely, some underlying thing is a great encompassing term.
Yeah, I really do go to extremes. Because now I'm like all about phones out of the bedroom.
Oh my god, that's a good Should we take a break and then talk about it. Okay, we'll be right back. All right, we're back talking more about Tonya's extremisms and now what is the new thing? No, funds in the bedroom.
Yeah, and then I do want to remind you because I do want to talk about it because I've been very like on TikTok lately. I tried one of the I tried the Mary Phillips TikTok.
Things interesting, Okay, okay, So let's start with the no funds in the bedroom?
No funds in the bedroom? So how did I get here? How did I get on that?
Oh?
Okay, So it's more Robbie. So when Robbie gets up to go to the restroom, he's he is on his phone. He gets on his phone, and I've started poop. No, no, no, he gets up to pee, but he'll just sit there and like it's hard for him to fall back asleep, so he'll just like scroll blah blah blah. And I started doing the same thing. Like if I get up to the bathroom, I'll I'll get my phone for the light, and then I'll sit to pee and I'll just start scrolling.
Yeah, I'll never understand that. That is so bizarre to me because I know I'd never fall back asleep, so I would never be even. But what you pick it up for.
The light, I pick it up for the light to watch and get to the.
Bathroom and back without a light.
Cannot Why what have you? Yeah?
On what? But this is your bedroom and your bathroom. Yeah there you know the route by now.
You know.
I don't though, and like Sunny's bones and toys and like there's just stuff.
So it seems like a night light in your bathroom would really solve this problem.
I still don't like the phones. I still like the idea of the phones not being near our heads in our space. I like I enjoy watching television without us being on our phones. Like I feel like I wanted to just become like a phone free zone, you know, phone free zone.
You have the self discipline right where you better self disciplined rather than to ban it from your bedroom.
But I says the guy who has not had a sip of coffee in his life.
Is that self discipline?
Yeah?
I mean I'm not attempting. I don't even know what it tastes like.
Yeah, and where we're addicts here, Mark, Yeah, it's our hit.
I need my hit of the TikTok and the Instagram. Yes, I haven't checked my emails.
Oh gosh, I don't. I actually probably should check my emails. More. I don't, but.
So so I bought an old school alarm clock and put it up in the room and I've been using that and Robbie's been trying to stop like looking at his phone when he gets up in the middle of the night too, and like we're trying.
Well, so he doesn't have his phone out of the room.
He does have his phone in the room.
Oh in the room.
Yeah, yeah, why.
Got a wean, But you're not weaning. You're going cold turk.
Mine's not necessarily Mine's not. It's just like a cross for me. It's not like outside that you.
Can't reach it from her pillow.
My only issue with this, tell me, what if there's an emergency and you need your phone.
I mean, that's my concern. There have been days when I've called it four in the morning saying I need you to get right away because we have to record some stuff or that.
Yeah, I was more like actual emergency, but not mark.
So I when I have yeah, I don't know. I have to figure that out.
Well, if it's in the room, then I can probably get a hold of you.
It's in the room, okay.
And I got Robby's number two?
Correct, Do you want to hear something I've just heard about on TikTok. What this guy was talking about, how like ways to be prepared in case like of someone breaking in or something, and like ways to like because it was a video of someone being like we were in the middle of our sleep and someone entered our home and like we we looked at each other, like what do we do? And he was saying, like you
need to have a plan. And he was saying, how if you have like a smart home and you have like your lights on a device that you can control from your phone, like that is a protective because if you are in your bedroom and someone's in room and you turn on the lights, they're gonna like be freaked out that they're not in the dark anymore.
Well, I don't have a smart home, I know, but I.
Think it's like if you're able. I mean, I know it's a luxury to be able to, but it's like the simple as a light switch or switches.
There's plugs. I have them all over my house. They're like ten bucks each. I'll send you a link and you can control it with an app or with Alexa or with Google. They're all over the place now in my home, and it's so hard to shurn the lights on and off, but you can do it from your phone.
It's great and it makes sense to me that like that would be a way of like protection.
Don't take me down this spiral.
I think this is smart, though it's just a tip that I was, like, I've never thought of it.
I go home tonight and be like, what is our plan if somebody he breaks into the house.
Everyone should have one. I have like so many bars and things protecting like that I put up at night, and like my windows and everything.
Do you remember when I first moved in, when I started living alone in my apartment for the first time, and I kept hearing noises, and obviously when you move into a new apartment complex, like there are noises, but I just wasn't aware of them because I was new and so and I don't have locks on my bedroom doors, so I would sleep. I took like a broom out of my like, uh closet with all my cleaning supplies, and I put the broom like sideways in front of
the door. And then I also thought it would work as if I took it off and I could like hit somebody with Oh.
Yeah, those those brooms are doing a lot of damage to people.
Yeah, And I'm like the thought that I did have a thought though that if I have a really like strong throwing arm, if I was able to throw this and hit someone in the head, I could knock them out.
I can throw, I can throw it really hard, but I would be like have to it would just have to hit them in the right spot. So I'm just saying, like, this could be, But.
Why do you if you want your phone, maybe throw like you're maybe having to saying if you could have a pair of scissors in your bedside table and throw those.
Oh, that's a good one, and hope that they land.
If you end up not having your phone in the room with you, that's one less at that point.
At that point, if I'm in the room and someone's in there, then I just got paranoia feeding paranoia. I think. I think it's more about having a plan and being prepared and not assuming like, oh, that would never happen to me. I think it's just like having a plan before. You need to have a plan. And I think there's things that you can do to prevent things. I mean, I think the light switches is very smart.
Are you not next door.
I have a ring, which is similar.
Next Door is like an app that tells you what's going on.
Yeah, Ring does that too. It's called neighborhood or something.
It's just a bunch of busy bodies. It's just a bunch of freaked out people and a lot of borderline races with people just kind of scare of everybody, and it just creates a negative rule.
There's some things going on in mind, not in my neighborhood, but are in the surrounding area where I'm like, that's questionable activity.
Oh me too. I've walked my dog past a man. I can't no, no, I can say it on the podcast. Can I say jerking off?
Please do?
I've walked my dog past a man jerking off on front lawn to my apartment complex.
Oh god, yes, that's a surprise.
He was unhoused and it was very disturbing.
Was this at night?
No broad daylight, like noon on a Sunday?
Wow?
Yeah, wow, that is awful. And I'm glad you don't live there anymore. I just hope one day you stop paying.
Right, Yeah, we're glad you're not there, but maybe stuff won't be there too.
Maybe one day my stuff won't be there, just fingers crossed for that day.
Well, anyways, I wasn't trying to breed fear or paranoria. I was just saying I think it's I took it as being like, oh, that is great advice, Like have a plan before you need to have a plan.
I've alwa had a plan.
Yeah, you love a plan.
I love a plan.
I'm just saying I don't know if the phone, like, maybe one of you. I think if one of you keeps it, yeah.
It's smart for now.
Well maybe once you lose the addiction of needing it, you can keep yours in the room too. Yeah, and just put it on do not disturb. Yeah, that's an option.
You know, we're just low learning and growing over here, we are, and trying to become a better person.
This brings me to another topic. Wait, what was the thing you were going to talk about?
Oh, the Mary Phillips.
Oh, let's talk about that. You know, I'm not a makeup gal.
Like I never try any of these trends, but this one seemed easy enough. It just seemed like doing your makeup and reverse right, So I tried it.
I don't know if you've.
Noticed this about me. But I always have lines here where, like on my cheekbones for my bronzer. I always have lines because I do the blush, and I just always have these like jarring lines. I'm lying free.
Yeah it looks good, right, you're glowing.
I'm glowing and I've been doing my makeup the Mary Phillips way.
I tried it, and I felt like once I put my foundational on, it just covered everything else.
Like but did you put your foundation on with like a beauty blender because you're supposed to use like a blush or not like a brush like a rah you're.
Just to do I think I did it too heavy or something. But yeah, I finished. I was like, now I'm gonna have to do like double makeup basically, so I might need to try it again. But everyone else who does it looks like so it's like light and just like, oh, my lip just suched like so glowy.
I know, yeah, I'm don't I look glowy.
Yeah, you're glowing glowing. You're tweaking, yeah, from the lack of caffeine. But she's glowing while she does it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was gonna say. I saw this other video where I don't even know who it was, but they were saying how they're they were their couple therapists was saying like, if you don't fix uh, like this issue and in this relationship, it's going to probably come up in your next relationship.
Which issue it was just.
Saying, like talking about in general tease.
Oh, because we're gonna take a break.
It works.
Before we take the break, I'm gonna text Robbie and say we need a plan in case someone breaks.
Oh god, don't.
He's gonna go to home alone mode and starts saying booby traps.
That'd be so funny. Okay, we're back. So the video is basically saying like, if you don't fix to me, it's more about fixing the thing that you need to work on. Yeah, So like if I'm like, no, I'm still learning and working on communicating my feelings and my needs, right,
it's not like natural for me to do that. But if I am doing something that I need to work on and it's causing tension or arguments, like recurring arguments in our relationship and I don't fix that and then we break up, I'm like I can't do this anymore. Those same things are gonna happen to my next relationship, Yeah,
of course. But I thought it was an interesting perspective because I think it's to be aware enough and willing to do the work to change things that are unhealthy habits in your life takes like a commitment and like awareness and like willingness to do it.
It is so true because I will admit, before I started dating Robbie, when I was like dating people, when I was not in a relationship, I was like, I'm gonna be the freaking best, Like I can't get better than me, Like I'm the best catch. I got it going on, like you know what I mean, Like I had and I still think that way, Like I still think I'm a really great partner. But there are things that pop up in our relationship that I know are on me, you know what I mean, Like there are
things traits and things that I like. I like to control everything. I like to have a plan. That's how I've always been. But when you have a partner in your life, it can't always go every single way the
way that you want it to. And that was like really hard for me, and it's like continues to be hard for me, you know, what I mean, like I'm waiting for, you know, things to happen so that other things can happen, and I want to plan other things to happen, and so I'm like, you know, I get all in my head and I get overwhelmed, and he's like he always just like can kind of calm. He gets on my level and he hears me out, and he's like, I got it. I on the same path,
like he can. Really we really figured out a good system now. But it is funny because I really had to do a lot of work on myself and just kind of like figuring out, yes, these are the things I bring to the relationship that cause tension, and how do I work on those for myself, because yeah, I can't control even if I started dating somebody else, I'm gonna be the same way.
Yes, exactly. But I think a lot of people go, Okay, this person's expecting too much of me. This relationship isn't working. We're always fighting, and I'm going to move on to somebody else, And then they move on and it's like the same pattern continues on the flip side. Obviously, if you're an unhealthy relationship and you're with someone who's abusive or doesn't treat you well or isn't doing their part.
That's different. It's not saying like you have to figure it out in this relationship or it won't work with anyone else. It's just saying, like, if you're not willing to work on the things that you need to work on in one relationship, you're going to carry that into the next relationship. Yeah, which I thought was cool. It's encouraging because like you kind of have more power to figure things out and make it work if you're if you're willing to do the work.
Yeah. And also, like taking accountability and responsibility for yourself is actually a really empowering feeling. I used to point the finger a lot.
It's like you you, you same. And I also used to like shut down to avoid confrontation, which made me feel like I was better than I was the peacemaker, but I really wasn't because I was just doing something that would lead to resentment eventually, and that's that's a tough pill to swallow. And I still, I mean, I shut down in a way to protect myself, and it's like I, you know, I have had to learn to
trust that, like Haley doesn't want to hurt me. She's never trying to hurt me, right, But it's it's a lot, and I think you do have to be, like I said, willing and self aware enough to know that it's worth the work and the challenges, because there's a lot of times where I've been through a process of like, oh, I'm really working on this and I'm in the middle where i feel like I haven't gotten to where I'm good at it yet, but then like going back doesn't
feel productive, and I'm in that middle spot where I'm like, I feel very stuck and like stagnant, and that stuck is the worst, and it's so uncomfortable. So you're kind of like, what's the why even bother working on it? Let me just be unhealthy. It's like a diet. It's like giving up caffeine. It's like if you.
Just quit during to work on it.
Yeah, and then you'll get to the other side and you'll be like, I'm so glad I went through that because now I feel I'm glowing.
You don't need it, well.
Now I'm going therapy.
Do you drink coffee?
Yes? Okay, just Mark is just a peard caffeine in twenty eight years. Wow, I have had caffeine. I haven't had coffee, but I've had caffeine.
You only drink water.
I only drink water. It's one of my rules. I have a lot of rules.
It works a lot of fun. Bring him to your next party.
Does your wine for your kids drink soda or anything?
Yeah, not really soda much, but yeah, they drink whatever. You know, they go to Starbucks and stuff like that. Yeah, okay, but they're always freaked out if they see me drinking anything other than water, because it's very weird for dad to drink something other than water.
Like so like, if you went into like a pizza restaurant, you get water to drink.
That happened then washes down pizza better than a cold glass of water.
All they ever drink is water except almond milk on my cereal. That's it. That's the rule.
It's crazy, like, are these dua Lipa's rules? Where these Why do you have these rules?
You know?
It's funny.
I have these rules because I like to lead a disciplined life, and I think that's the best way to live, because otherwise it gets out of control if you.
Just let yourself drink anything, like what next you're drinking?
Like, well, look at that. You're wasting so much money and calories on beverages. I have no interest in beverages, So why would I waste money and calories on beverages if.
It's good calories like a nice green juice.
No interest in that. And by the way, that sounds gross.
Wow. The like the luxury of like an ice cold soda?
Nope, oh not interesting.
It's really hard to be like sometimes I just want to drink soda. I don't even need food with it.
But like, even if you're sick, you don't want to drink some orange juice or some natural remedy.
Better than trying to just trying to stump him, nothing is better than water for you. For you, Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Taste wise, I.
Enjoy the taste of water. I have no interest in anything else.
Do you think different waters taste different? Uh?
Somewhat, but not in a way that's going to deter me. I don't turn down any brand of water, like a bubble water cross no carbon changes the whole flavor. I hate it. No, that's just how boring I am.
No, I don't like bubble water water.
I have a lot of rules, and when people ask me for them, I can't come up with them. They just come up throughout life. But like one is, don't chew gum. I never chew gum. I don't get it. I don't see the point of it. It's this flavor for like thirty seconds and then you're just chewing on some tasteless gray blob. Don't get it.
As a gum chewer. In my day, I chewed a lot of gum, as you remember, yeah, stumble tooting around. I loved gum because to me, it was like a it's good for your like I was felt like I had fresh breath when I had come in my mouth. I felt minty fresh. I felt as if it would replace like a sugar creaming, Like if I was just at work and I needed like a little sugar or something, I'd pop a piece of gum and I felt like I would get it. I like gum to me was like my tongue, like it was always in my mouth
like I was gum girl. And then for your job, it's so bad. It's like bad for your jobs, bad for your teeth.
That's the thing.
I see.
No upside, there's all.
These chemicals and gum and it like makes you hungrier apparently, So I'm like, I got rid of gum years ago.
Well, Pie in a disciplined life. I'm just saying a disciplined life because you see people that are out of control, alcohol, drugs, obesity, whatever it is. You see just people that have just kind of and that's what living like a disciplined life prevents you from falling into those traps. So I'm disciplined. Here's another big one. Once I brush my teeth, no more food under any circumstances. That is a hard rule.
Mark.
I just made cookies. Sorry, I brushed my teeth. That happened two nights ago. Ali got home the other night with Crumble cookies, big box of Crumble cookies. Sorry, can you eat some of these because I don't want them in the house. Can you to get rid of something?
I think?
No, I brushed my teeth, no period. No you brush your teeth again, yes, but I will not because that is the rule.
Man. The way that I brushed my teeth last night and then they multiple brownie cookies and milk, and then brushed them again and went to sleep so filled, filled and contine.
Like the amount I brushed my teeth. That's like I brushed my teeth constantly.
I can't.
I try to implement that rule, like when I'm like trying to be healthy, I'll be like, Okay, once I brushed my teeth, no more. But you know, cookies, I gotta have them. They were gluten free, gluten free brownie cookies from where Lorenza, I don't know, friend, but yeah, those are really good.
They are really good. I really want to get to. I think it's called something laur Laurel, Laurel, Sweet Laurel. It's a bakery. She's all like gluten free and apparently delicious, apparently come into a review.
I got. Okay. Someone tweeted me and said, I've always my whole life I have been told in some capacity that I resembled the Presley. So it was like, you look like Lisa Marie, you look like young Priscilla my whole life, my best friends always said it. I've never like really seen it. But someone tagged me in a tweet last night and said, Becker reminds me of young Priscilla Presley. And I was looking.
And yeah, I could see that.
Yeah I could see that too.
Oh that one, sure, and that one she's thinking like a funny face, but I was like so devastated when Lisa. Hearing about Lisa, Marie.
Pressley especially, we all just washed her the golden clothes.
Yeah, it's really jarring because it's like one day or here in the next.
She had a tough life.
She really did, and like I just Perscilla, I don't know, I just feel so sad for the whole family. It's devastating. Should we get to emails.
They're pretty good. This one's not actually both anonymous. They're anonymous. These days the trend of telling us your name when you email us is over. Anyway, This woman says, I discovered your podcast a month or two ago, and I have pretty much binged the whole thing since then. It's verging on unhealthy honestly, Well, thank you. That's very nice. It has brought me so much joy and also introspection
on some really important topics. I really appreciate what you guys do and the light you spread in the world. I don't have a specific scenario to ask you about, but I'm curious to understand some of the advice you have given in the past. I've heard you say Mark specifically that men are stupid and need to be taught, that they're willing to learn, but need women to guide them in the right direction. I have found that to
be true in past relationships. But here's my question. Why is it up to women to teach our partners these things. Can't they do some soul searching and figure it out on their own? Or is that nice? Do you really have to lead a horse to water and force it to drink? Would love your thoughts on this, because I think your advice is probably correct. I just want to
understand it. I'll start because you mentioned me, because I was that guy, and I think a lot of it because I've done a lot of thought thinking on this, especially since the pandemic of why am I like I am? And more importantly, why was I like I was in my twenties, I think a lot of it with dudes is the coddling that happens at home. The mother's son relationship is very interesting because in most cases, not all
the son can do no wrong. Their son walks on water, he could rob a bank and be convicted of these crimes, like, oh, but he's such a good boy, He's got such a good heart. You know, it's never his fault. He never knows anything wrong. And then they get into their twenties and maybe there's a live it at home, but Mama, I'll do your laundry. Maybe they get their own place. Moms like, I'll come buy and do your laundry. It's fine. I left the lasagna in the fridge for you. You know,
it's this coddling. It results in a reft of development, and that also gives them a mentality that they're the greatest person in the world, even though they're completely flawed, and that prevents them from evolving, maturing, and improving themselves.
I think that's where this comes from. Yes, it's terrible that women have to do this for guys, but you're gonna have to, I think, unless you want to wait and marry a fifty year old who has actually finally figured it out for themselves, because it takes forever for men to mature. And I don't know why that is. I watched my wedding video recently. I was thirty one, and I'm just like that guy didn't have a clue, and I'm so thankful and great my wife married me
when that guy was not marriable. He really wasn't. It took a long time for me, and I feel like I'm one of the good ones. So you know, if there's something there in that guy, and you're in your twenties or early thirties and they so is the guy, and there's something there. He's funny, he's handsome, he's going to be.
A good dad.
You see, it's like a house with good bones. You know, you feel like there's something there. You can take care of the other stuff. You can wean him the theme of this episode. Wean him off the porn. You can teach him to put his clothes in the hamper, you know, you can help him get away from his mother coddling him to you not coddling him. There's a way to do that, And I'm sorry, I think you're gonna have to otherwise it's gonna be pretty lonely.
Are you the only boy?
Yeah, just me and my sister.
Do you think there's a difference of like it being the only boy versus Yeah, maybe, yeah.
That's possible. Yeah, because I and I was treated completely differently than my sister was. And we joke about it now, but I know that's a painful thing for her.
Oh yeah, yeah, I don't think you're wrong, but I do wonder if that's a.
Look.
I feel like everybody needs to be taught something, you know what I mean, Like, you teach everybody in a relationship how to be a better hopefully your partner in life makes you become a better person.
That's true.
So it's not just.
About teaching men, even though I do think it. I do think that women to lead more in that regard. I think it's both people teaching each other and growing and learning together. So it's like you're never going to get a perfect person because that perfect person is going to clash with you in certain ways.
That's true. I feel like, if you like, when I met my wife, she was eighteen, and she was so much more mature than I was. Because when you're in your twenties, most guys in their twenties it's sports, porn, video games, beer, and you think, I'm awesome and this is great, and I need to find a woman who's going to be fine with all that stuff for you know, they'll figure it out eventually. But I feel like a woman is way more mature than a guy at a much younger age.
Yeah, but I do agree. I think that there are things that like, even being in a relationship with a woman, there's still things where we were like, oh, can you do this or can you work on this? Like I think it's just like humans having certain habits, and I think that men are just slower too mature and develop
than women, and especially emotionally and like mentally. So I think no matter who you're with, you're going to have things where, like like Tanya said, where they're gonna you're gonna learn from them and they're gonna learn from you. But sometimes I do think you are gonna have to take the lead on partnership.
Oh your nerves.
But I think dating a woman is the way to gorus. But also Tanya, dating a fully formed mail is the way to go. You wait till a guy was in his mid forties and look at him.
Well, yes he's great, but that also comes with its fair share of nuances.
I suppose, so yeah, But I'm just saying, if he was twenty five when you met him, I don't know, who knows, totally a different person, totally, all right. Next one, this is about Tanya and Robbie's gas station analogy. She says, help I've been married to my husband for a little over three years now. I met him when I was twenty seven, and at that point everybody around me was married with kids, and I was ready to have that too. So I do remember having some gut hesitations, but I
got married. My husband's been nothing but good to me. He cares for me, make sure I'm taking care of our lives, fit together well. My family loves me as a good job. He helps her on the house. I feel like I can be myself with him. Over the past three years, though our relationship has been mah, no spark, no excitement. We never even fight about anything. I told my therapist, it's like I have a good roommate to come home to every day. Marriages go through lulls. I
get that, but it shouldn't have started this soon. I'm thirty one now, I'm ready to have kids. He'd be an amazing dad, but we have very little physical intimacy now, So how are we supposed to have a child together when I don't have the attraction to him to start the baby making process. I'm at a good gas station that provides for all my basic needs. It's not flashy, it's not exciting when you pull up to it. But
it's a good, reliable gas station. Do I stay at this gas station or is there a better gas station up the road for me?
Well, when she brings the gas, Yeah, it sways my opinion slightly because the way you're describing this man, he's a good man, and I feel like good men are very hard to come by. Unfortunately they are. There's a lot of dickheads out there, and if he's a good man, that is like a huge, huge check, I think, and I think that it's not worth giving up. I feel like you should really try maybe go to therapy.
Maybe I skipped that part. They have tried couples counseling promost to year with no improvements. But could you date somebody?
What is it?
I don't want to phrase it. It's your phrase that when you met Robbie and you looked into each other eyes, you felt.
Fanny flutters vagina tingle, that's the one.
Yeah, could you marry someone that didn't give you that feeling?
Yeah?
You could?
I mean I don't know, because I don't I can't think about marrying and I wouldn't want to marry anybody else but him. But yeah, I don't think that that. Like, I know a lot of people that have been married that got married to men that they didn't have the initial spark with that It took a couple of dates for them to have chemistry or get that that thing going.
But they eventually got it.
But they eventually got it. But this feels like it's been years.
It's been four years. She's tired of feeling every day.
I think that Remember that lady. I wish I could remember her name because I literally loved her advice. She was a sex therapist. Remember she was talking about like intimacy and like how you learn each other's kind of like sex.
Yeah, we got to wait back, But I think like looking into something like that, because it sounds like the physical intimacy is a huge thing that you feel like you're missing, So like giving yourself a chance because maybe you're, uh, it's not it's not love.
Love language, it's not sex language. What is it, like your sexual intimacy preferences or whatever.
You go to a sex therapist too, But there's like the sexual blueprint, everybody sexual.
Blueprint, Like looking into that and maybe going to someone who can help, because I really do think there's a lot of like shame around sex and intimacy, especially when you're married and not having it. I think there's a lot of fear of like it's never going to come back. But it might just be as simple that y'all have a different preference in blueprint when it comes to what
you want and need in that physical relationship. But I think you try, and I think you try to get back to there because I think there was something there, because to even commit to marrying someone and spending your life with them, there was a there was something there that you were drawn to. Yeah, But at the same time, the other part of me goes, how long do you give it before you say I'm not feeling fulfilled? I'm not. I don't feel like I'm like even living my life, and life is moving by, and I.
Feel like you give it more shots in different ways, you know, maybe bring some toys into the bedroom, maybe do a strip tease for him, maybe make him a little porno or something.
I learn it learning, but what he wants or needs and what you want or need, and like being able to show up for each other that way, I think that's like a worth it to try, because I think what feels like y'all are lacking. Is that physical intimacy?
That's good advice because the ability to turn on your partner is an incredible turn on.
Yeah, and I think it connections. I know a lot of people are like, sex isn't that important, and like, believe me, I was a vision for however long, but I still when I dated people the physical like Robert and I, because I was so shut down from like even letting myself feel emotionally connected. But we had like really like good physical chemistry, and that has always been
important to me. And I think that being able to have that connection with someone, especially when you're married and after you've been together for a long time, can like really revive the feelings of like wanting to be around that person, the joy and the fun of being in a relationship. So I think you give that a shot before you just say because once again, if it's happening now, couldn't happen in the next relationship.
And you go to the next gas station and maybe this one's a little flashier, but he sucks, and he like, isn't good? Isn't good? You know, Yeah, then you got to go to the next gas station. Maybe that gas station.
Is bold, bald, but.
A great guy, but has no ambition.
Lacks ambition, anonymous that is saying this. I hate decisions and big changes, so the thought of starting over makes me break out in hives. I think we are unanimous here that you should stick this out and figure this out because you can make this work.
I think it's worth exhausting all efforts to make this relationship work. But I also think at a certain point you can say I've done all I can do and it's not working anymore, and give yourself the grace to navigate that too.
Yeah, well, there we go.
Sometimes I feel like we're giving advice on situations that are so out of.
Above us, but that's what you need. Sometimes you just want to hear somebody's opinion that's not involved, you know what I mean. Like, Yeah, it's interesting. I think about that because when I have questions or whenever I go to like you guys, or you know, like I have go to my friends, but they're so invested and they're so in it that they can't really see it for what it is, black and white.
They're looking at it straight on and not overhead correct to see.
Which is what we're doing. We're just looking at it straight on and that.
You needed to hear. Stay with him, stick it out. You can make this work.
Yeah, they're looking from the end zone cam and not the.
Sky cam exactly. I don't know what that means, but it's not a good.
Well, I think that's it for today. Friends.
We will not be back Thursday because we do not have a guest.
We don't. We'll be back next Monday.
We will because we are here. That is what you you. You know, consistency that we are will be here.
Well, today's Tuesday, so we weren't that consistent.
But well, I'm gonna blame that one on you.
Yeah, I took the day off yesterday.
Yeah, as did you know we were here? Okay, all right, love you all.
We'll be back Monday. I have a great rest of the week and weekend, and we love you so much.
Love you bye.