07 The Making of a Man

MAKING OF A MAN, BY RICK REGAN EXT. DAY - VATICAN, ST. PETER'S SQUARE TV MAN Good day, ladies and gentleman. This is Milton Miles, reporting from St. Peter's Square in Vatican City. I'm standing behind a huge crowd, gathered to witness the announcement of a new head of the Roman Church. The cardinals will vote and when, or if, a majority agree on who should be the next pope, the votes are burned and white smoke is sent up as a signal to the people gathered and waiting for the sign. If there is an inconclusive vote, then the signal is given with black smoke from the chimney of the church. So far today we have had three announcements, all inconclusive and, I must say, this crowd is getting impatient for an answer. Here to discuss the matters is Professor Griselda Geppetto, a Canadian author and scholar, currently on the faculty at the University of Guelph, near Toronto. PROF. GEPPETTO (enters) Good afternoon, Mister Miles. It's good to be here. TV MAN Professor Geppetto, thank you for joining us today to shed some light on the goings-on inside the Vatican. Can you tell us, who are the signal players in the politics of the great game? PROF. GEPPETTO If you mean the leading candidates, well, there are three outstanding cardinals who are presumed to be in line for the voting. TV MAN Three? PROF. GEPPETTO Yes, there is Cardinal Adebiyi Babangida of Nigeria. There is Cardinal Banoy Dimakulangan of the Philippines. And finally there is Simon St. John-Chichester from England. TV MAN That is quite a list. Who of these men do you take to be the leading man? PROF. GEPPETTO Of course it is hard to say, but Cardinal Babangida represents roughly twenty million Roman Catholics in Nigeria, though that is a fraction of the two hundred million, or so, Catholics across all of Africa. So Babangida in many ways carries the hopes of many on his shoulders. TV MAN I see. And the man from the East? PROF. GEPPETTO Ah yes, Cardinal Dimakulangan. With nearly ninety million Filipino Catholics, he brings a legitimacy of leadership that is matched hardly anywhere else in the world. Keep in mind that there are only forty million Catholics in Italy, so Cardinal Dimakulangan has a heft, both figurative and literally, that is substantial. At nearly two meters tall, he is easily twenty-two stone. TV MAN That's a big fella! PROF. GEPPETTO Yes, quite so. TV MAN And the scrappy Englishman? His odds? PROF. GEPPETTO Cardinal St. John-Chichester is not considered a scrappy underdog. By most accounts he is regal in bearing and condescending in manner. One rumor has it that the bishop of Westminster offered Chichester up for the role of Cardinal merely to get him to move house to Rome, out of Winchester's hair. How true that is, I do not know. But as a European academic, intellectual and British, he has a witty charm and has an appeal to the largely Anglophone Cardinal electorate. However on the scale, the English congregation makes up less than six million of the faithful, one of the choices from a larger flock seems more likely. TV MAN Very good. The Brit is quality but likely doomed? PROF. GEPPETTO These things have funny trajectories. I don't count any of them out, for that matter one of the others may emerge, and it is possible to elect someone not of the College of Cardinals altogether. So, we wait and watch the smoke. TV MAN And as if on cue, we hear the crowd sighing and moaning with the new trail of smoke. Black smoke. Chyrel, Back to you in London. ANCHOR (in TV studio) Thank you Milton, and thank you Professor Geppetto. Now news of the weather here in the UK. Rain is reported north of Umbria and low clouds over the south. Turning back to the papal election, we go live now to Afaf Wazir in Leeds. WAZIR (on street with mic.) Thank you, Chyrel. I'm here on the street in Leeds with Mr. Aspall Riendergrinder. He is the brother of the English Cardinal, Syn-jin-Chichester. RIENDERGRINDER (red-faced, wind-blown man) I am. That's right. Call me Apple. WAZIR So you grew up with the future cardinal, Syn-jin-Chichester? RIENDERGRINDER Aye. We come up together, thick as thieves. WAZIR And where was that? RIENDERGRINDER Mum had a house outside of Hexam, between Newcastle and Carlisle. It were a stream-crossing beneath the Tyne. Cleared now. WAZIR So did the future Cardinal, possibly future pope, show early signs of religion or devotion? RIENDERGRINDER I wouldn't say that, really. It were five lads and seven dads. I think he just got tired of getting the stuffing kicked out of him. Hide in the under-stairs, with a book. WAZIR Did you say five children and seven fathers? RIENDERGRINDER Ah, Mum was a bit of a rounder. After two years or so, she'd be tired of them, kick them down the road. Seemed like each time we started a new school, we heard, "and this is your new father. Mind him, won't you?" Of course, we was country lads and all we knew was the wild wind and a scrap before tea. It wasn't all candles and church bells for the Riendergrinder lads. WAZIR And who was Syn-jin-Chichester? RIENDERGRINDER As mum tells it, after she gave my pa, Valter Riendergrinder the boot, she took up with this fancy toss. Fair play to him, after Simon came along and two more as well, ol' man Chit did right by the family. We had a car, a radio and food on the table. He ran the college library at Hexam Abbey. That's how Simon got so far down the rabbit-hole with Jesus. WAZIR Was there anyone else, following Syn-jin-Chichester? RIENDERGRINDER Ah, ya mean more dads? Oh, yeah. After the Hairy Chester, we called him, there was Viking Carl Nordenburger. Tip-top Taylor. Bristlehead Cockburn. And Pervey Pervis, the bastard. She shot him. WAZIR She what? RIENDERGRINDER Pervis was a convicted sex criminal, not that it put Ma off him. Probably what she liked about him. But one day she was coming out of the bath and sees these eyes peeping out of her closet. She thinks it's a stranger, so she says, and she shot him right between the eyes, she did. It might have been that she had used him up and he wouldn't leave, but I never looked too close at the details. WAZIR I see. So in the struggle for power within the halls of the Vatican, has your brother shared any insight into the proceedings? What are his chances, would you say? RIENDERGRINDER Well Simon is a wily one. He's got the spirit of the tough country lad through and through. While I'm sure them other fellas are fine and pure men of the cloth, you won't find much finer and much pure-er than Simon. That said, he's a helluva tyrant if you give him too much rope. I wouldn't vote for him against a horse. WAZIR (back to camera) So, Chyrel, I'll hand it back to you. ANCHOR Thank you, Afaf. That brings us much closer to some clarity in the matter. To follow up, lets go back to the proceedings at the Vatican. Milton, are you still with us? TV MAN Yes, Chyrel. I'm here. And I have with me one of the Cardinals. He is out on a smoke break and prefers to keep his face covered. A Cardinal stands with his back to the camera, muttering inaudibly to the TV Man. TV MAN Thank you for joining us today, your Eminence. CARDINAL (mutters out of range of the microphone) TV MAN Can you tell us the current state of affairs? There have been several columns of black smoke, which we take to be inconclusive votes. CARDINAL (mutters) TV MAN I see. (to camera) He says there have been numerous rounds of voting and Cardinal Babangida has been eliminated. CARDINAL (mutters) TV MAN Oh my! I see. (back to the camera) He tells me that Syn-jin Chichester is in the lead but he is not well liked. And when Babangida was eliminated another candidate was put forward. CARDINAL (mutters inaudibly) TV MAN I say! That is unusual. (to camera) As a rather shocking rebuke to the assembly, when Babangida was ousted, a move came forward to nominate.... (to Cardinal) Is that right? (back to camera) He says they nominated a horse, Mister Pickles, one of the draft horses which pulls the papal carriage. ANCHOR (in studio) Milton, can you hear me? TV MAN Yes, yes, Chyrel. Go ahead. ANCHOR Can you ask his Eminence, why a horse? CARDINAL (mutters inaudibly) Cardinal makes hasty exit as if being spotted by the guards and he has to go back in. TV MAN I'm sorry but the Cardinal had to run. Perhaps the Canadian professor can help. Professor Geppetto? PROF. GEPPETTO Well the candidacy of a horse has particular resonance here in Rome, harkening back to the ancient Roman Empire. As you no doubt recall, in thirty-nine A-D, the emperor Caligula named his horse as a consul to the Roman Senate. As we all learned, the horse was named Incitatus. TV MAN And what would be the meaning of putting Mister Pickles on the election slate today? PROF. GEPPETTO Of course I am not privy to the discussions but one could safely guess that the outrage of dismissing the cardinal from Nigeria, combined with the rising tide behind a man some have called a 'pompous ass', might lead the cynical among the electors to put forth a real ass, or horse in this case, to make the point about the disturbing turn in the proceedings. But I am merely speculating. ANCHOR (through the earpiece) Can you ask the professor if there is any chance that the horse can really be elected? TV MAN Professor, would it actually be possible for the horse to become the pontiff? PROF. GEPPETTO Of course there is no precedent for an animal to lead the Roman church but there is no restriction, no guardrails, on the voting. If Mister Pickles wins, he wins. Very likely though, there will be another round of voting which disqualifies Mister Pickles. TV MAN If I can draw your attention now to the smoke, we are seeing more smoke emerging and once again, to the disappointment of all around, it is black smoke. PROF. GEPPETTO That is probably the end for the horse. I would expect one more round, a head to head vote between his eminence Saint-John Chichester from the UK and his eminence Dimakulangan. TV MAN The Big Man! PROF. GEPPETTO Yes, big indeed. I'm not a betting man but I would say the odds are on Dimakulangan. ANCHOR (into earpiece) Milton, can you ask the professor to explain what happened to the horse of Caligula? TV MAN Professor, the headquarters back in London wonder if you could explain the history around the horse of Caligula. PROF. GEPPETTO I am not an expert on the topic but it is generally thought that Caligula was making a rather sardonic point to the Senators about the privileges of the well born while the ordinary Romans lived lives just barely better than their many slaves. However we take from history the much bawdier and crude stories of the emperor's excesses and skip over his early days of reform. He was in the middle of consolidating a very fractured government structure and.... TV MAN (interrupting) I'm sorry professor but I am getting word that we should see the smoke from another round of voting just now. The crowd roars in approval as white smoke comes rises. TV MAN And there we have it. Soon, we shall hear the name of the new pontiff. PROF. GEPPETTO As I was saying, the emperor was attempting to consolidate... TV MAN (cutting him off) Hang on, I'm just getting this in through my earpiece. The official notification has gone out and the new pontiff is to be named Pope Jerimiah Issa Ibrahim. Wait, is that right? PROF. GEPPETTO That can't be right. Who is it? TV MAN (listening) Are you sure? (listening) Impossible! (listening) Professor, I am being told that the winner of the votes is Mister Pickles, the horse. PROF. GEPPETTO And the horse wants to be Pope Jeramiah Ibrahim? TV MAN Further, the first letter of Pope Ibrahim is to join in prayer for the poor around the world. The new pontiff is calling for corporations to donate half of their production to the poor. Starting with tires. PROF. GEPPETTO Tires?! TV MAN They are telling me that the new pontiff calls on tire makers around the world to sell one and give one. If they sell a tire, they can give a tire away to the poor. His holiness says there is a great crying out for new tires among the poor around the world. PROF. GEPPETTO That may be but this is wildly unorthodox. TV MAN Yes indeed. PROF. GEPPETTO However there is the ancient Roman policy of bread-and-circus. Perhaps this is part of Pope Ibrahim's message of compassionate capitalism. I don't know. TV MAN And so the drama, the spectacle and the tradition lives on here in Rome. Reporting live from Vatican City, I am Milton Miles along with Professor Griselda Geppetto. Back to you Chyrel. ANCHOR Well, quite an astounding turn for the millions of faithful around the world. And we have more news as it comes in. I am being told that according to sources inside the company, the Italian tire giant Pirelli has committed to the Holy Father's plan of make-one give-one and expects to set up a tire charity this coming summer, for the summer driving season. Let's go back to Afaf Wazir in Leeds. She is speaking to the manager of a local tire shop. WAZIR Thank you, Chyrel. I am standing with Lady Olivia Robinson, owner of a local auto repair and tire shop here in Leeds. ROBINSON That's right. Leeds Wheels, on the High Street. WAZIR Lady Robinson, what is your reaction to the news from the Vatican today? ROBINSON At Leeds Wheels we strive to satisfy all of our loyal customers, even the papists. WAZIR So do you have a plan of action for Pope Ibrahim's call to donate tires to the poor? ROBINSON If the whore of Babylon wants free tires than he can bloody well earn them. The tires aren't free to me. They cost a proper shilling. If the Labour Party in this country ever pulls its' head out of the muck they might push this kind of namby-pamby do-good scheme on the British business interest but thank heavens we have good, sound Conservative leadership. WAZIR So you are not getting behind the Roman Catholic call to help the poor with free tires? ROBINSON We certainly are not. My husband, the late Lord Ronson Smythe-Robinson, was raised in a house with largely Catholics in service. Surrounded by them, growing up. And let me tell you, the mewling and bawling he heard in every corner, about days off, paltry wages, medical woes and the like. If they would have pressed themselves into proper shape, this country wouldn't be in the state it's in. This used to be a proud land, of free people, yeomen farmers and landed gentry. Now look at us! It's all Paki-walla tikka's and kabobs, isn't it? And what have we got for it? By the lights of St. George, we've barely made it out of the twentieth century but we're set again at the French and the Germans, aren't we? As the great Admiral Nelson said, Light the cannons, boys! Never mind the maneuvers, let's go right at them! Fire away, I say! WAZIR Lady Robinson, let's be clear here. In the response to a call for prayer and charity from the new pontiff, you are calling for the UK to attack France and Germany? ROBINSON Give them a stiff kicking! Let them taste sharp British steel. Little England? Little England?! Little England, my sore thumb. We've got to fight to make this the British Century. (appeal to the nation) Sign up now, lads! The British Navy. You'll be a better man for it. WAZIR Reporting from Leeds, I'm Afaf Wazir. ANCHOR (in studio) Thank you, Afaf. We go back now to the St. Peter's Square with Milton Miles. TV MAN Chyrel, the crowd here has been singing and chanting ever since the white smoke went up. The common refrain is, 'We have a pope. We have a holy father.' ANCHOR Milton, let me jump in here. We are getting word that across the Atlantic, the American tire giant, Goodyear, has pledged to work with the Vatican and his Holiness Pope Ibrahim in a global co-operation scheme. They say they are committed to working with the Church on the big President's Day Sale coming up on the weekend, followed by a big push for Flag Day, Arbor Day and the (American) National Tire Installer Recognition day. They are calling it the Festival of Freedom Tire Sales. I am guessing they are putting and em-pha-sis on the 'freedom' of having fresh tires. TV MAN Things are certainly moving quickly now. Professor, any comments on the global response to the free tire scheme? PROF. GEPPETTO This is highly unusual for a father of the Church to be so very specific, highlighting a particular industry. But if Pope Ibrahim sees his role of that as father, like my father, he may be trying to instill in the faithful an interest in keeping tires safe and properly inflated. I remember my father, the learned Massimo Geppetto, distinguished professor at the University of Bologna, teaching me to change a flat tire on my little Fiat, the trusty-but-rusty Rocinante, named after the famous horse of Quixote, as I am sure you recall. TV MAN Yes, Quixote. Of course. ANCHOR (in studio) Milton, word has just come in that the Japanese tire giant, Yokohama Tire, the freewheeling Godzilla from the East, has issued a statement supporting the Holy See and offering a four-for-three scheme coming up for the annual Cherry Blossom Festival in ninety days. Effectively a twenty-five percent-off sale, the Yokohama representative says they will match the Goodyear and Pirelli offers, tire for tire, with a better warranty and tread-wear ratings. TV MAN Well, now! That is something. Professor, you have something for us? PROF. GEPPETTO (glancing down at phone) Yes, I was concerned about this. I wondered if there might be some irregularity in the proceedings. I suspect that we may see another puff of smoke upcoming. TV MAN More smoke? PROF. GEPPETTO Well first, I suspect that there may have been some confusion about the tires. I rather suspect it may have been a mispronunciation of 'tithes', not 'tires'. TV MAN Tithes, not tires? PROF. GEPPETTO It is well known that the prelate of PR, the minister of the news, has a peculiar pronunciation of the letter 'r' in his Italian and English. In the written form, the bishop Styre is impeccable, writing fluently in several European languages, Latin of course and passable East Asian languages, but he is Dutch. TV MAN Oh, I see the problem. PROF. GEPPETTO Yes, quite so. TV MAN Hmmm.... Nothing to be done. PROF. GEPPETTO So perhaps we should go back to the source. TV MAN If I take your meaning, Professor Geppetto, we are facing a staggering situation, where a horse has become pope and has triggered a global tire fire-sale. Is that right? PROF. GEPPETTO I wonder if we might consider the 'horse' to be a red-herring as well. A canard, if you will. TV MAN Juicy porkies? PROF. GEPPETTO I beg your pardon? TV MAN Pork pies, telling lies. He's my mate, china plate. PROF. GEPPETTO Ah, yes! We don't have that particular dialectical idiom in the Canadian vernacular but I 'twig your wicket', as they say. TV MAN Nobody says that, ma'am. PROF. GEPPETTO I see. Well, on the off-chance, or rather the more likely on-chance, not that the pope is a 'horse' but rather the vote for the pope goes back to the 'house'. TV MAN Meaning what, exactly? PROF. GEPPETTO Keep an eye out for your smoking arch-bishop, but I would say that the vote of confidence, with the white smoke, was a peculiar parliamentary move that we haven't seen in some centuries. As in, when the body of the Cardinals is not satisfied with the last two remaining candidates, there is a procedure to 'clear the house', or in Latin 'pugare domum'. In English it might be misheard as 'clean the horse', which the Latin would render 'equum mundare'. No confusion there, but the English could be muddled. TV MAN So they wipe clean the slate and start again? PROF. GEPPETTO Effectively, yes. But there is a requiem Mass involved, where the college of Cardinals all remove themselves to a service of remembering the dead. This remembrance is a kind of cooling off period for the men of the college. TV MAN Like time-out. PROF. GEPPETTO Yes, like time out. Then they will vote again. TV MAN So, Chyrel, it seems that the pope is not a horse and the call is not for free tires but for a commitment to tithes. Back to you in London. ANCHOR Very good, Milton. Now on to sport. END