003 Desire of the Dwarves

DESIRE OF DWARVES Written by Rick Regan Based on, If Any Snow White, by the Brothers Grimm July 24, 2025 919-218-8834 Rick@RickRegan.netINT. DWARF COTTAGE - EVENING The cottage is cozy, with a round table in the middle and a rows of beds along opposing walls. Most of the dwarves are in their bed, except for GRUMPY and DOC. SNOW WHITE is asleep in Doc’s bed. Doc is the oldest and the de-facto head of the group. The men are not brothers but dwarves from around the country. They have established this community of dwarves for themselves, deep in the forest. Grumpy and Doc sit at the table, each with a small tankard of ale and long-stem pipes that smolder. They puff occasionally. The dwarves talk in quiet, late-evening tones, so as not to wake any of the others. GRUMPY Well, that wasn’t a half-bad day. Could have been worse. DOC Always on the sunny side with you. GRUMPY I’m just saying that the mine is doing well and the weather has been alright. You got a problem? DOC I think you’re on to something. GRUMPY What’s that? DOC That not everything is lousy. GRUMPY Yeah, but Doc, you gotta say something to her. DOC What do you want me to say? You don’t like her here? You ate the supper, just like everybody else. GRUMPY She’s sleeping in your bed, Doc. DOC That’s my business.GRUMPY That’s all of our business. You rotate to each of our beds, one hour at a time, all night long. And for what? So she can sleep tight? Why? What about us? DOC You didn’t seem to mind when she mended your breeches, with the knee patches. GRUMPY I could have done that myself. DOC But you didn’t. You let her do it. You asked her to do it. GRUMPY She’s got to pull her weight, like anybody else. DOC So, what? You saying that she’s not? She’s every right as any of us to be here. GRUMPY Really? Doc, she eats like a horse. Look at the size of her! DOC She’s as lovely a young woman as you’ve ever seen, and you know it. GRUMPY Maybe you’re right, but I feel like we are seven men, sharing one wife. DOC Oh, you want a wife now too? As if there was a maiden alive who would put up with the likes of you! GRUMPY Sure! Why wouldn’t there be? I bet there are a dozen dwarf-gals out there right now, just waiting for a handsome guy like me.DOC Come riding in like a charming prince, eh? I’ll believe it when I see it. GRUMPY Listen, Doc. You have to say something to her. Get her to move along. We don’t need her here. DOC She’s nice to have around, and I won’t hear a word against her. GRUMPY You’ll hear me out. I think she’s a fine girl but she’d be better off out in the world of the big people. DOC You heard her story. Don’t you remember? Chased by the queen, run by the huntsman. She’s afraid for her life. GRUMPY Well that’s the other thing. The Queen has tried to kill her twice! Once with the too-tight bodice and once with the poisoned comb. By heavens, if Happy and Bashful hadn’t cut her out of that damned thing, she’d have been strangled! And you smelled the poison on the comb. I swear, that girl does not have the sense of a pony. What will it be next? DOC She’s lucky we’re here for her. GRUMPY We don’t need this kind of heat from the Queen! She could send a team of knights down here and have them kill us all in our beds. Just snap her fingers! DOC She wouldn’t. We are too valuable in the mine. We bring up more silver than even she can spend. She won’t kill the golden goose.GRUMPY More like the fatted calf, that one! DOC Pipe down, would you! GRUMPY All I’m saying is that we’ve got to be aware of our own circumstances. I mean, Sleepy and Dopey, what happens to them if we get run off the place? You think Sneezy and Bashful will just set up shop on their own, as wild-cat miners? I don’t think so. DOC So what do you want me to do? Tell her she’s got to go? Pack her things and send her back into the woods? GRUMPY What if we had a plan? DOC Like what? GRUMPY What about the new Prince that showed up at the palace down the road. He seems like a single man in possession of a good fortune, and must be in want of a wife. DOC You are such a romantic, Grump. GRUMPY I just mean that all he has to do is get a look at her and he’ll fall at her feet. DOC What do you have in mind? GRUMPY Let me think on it. DOC (getting up) Alright. That’s it for me. I’m turning in.GRUMPY Great...who get’s the honor first? DOC You! The two dwarves head off to bed. EXT. OUTSIDE THE DWARF COTTAGE - MORNING The dwarves have all left to go work in the mine. SNOW White is collecting herbs, mushrooms and roots from the forest for dinner later. An OLD WOMAN approaches, carrying a basket. Her face is partially obscured by her cloak-hood. OLD WOMAN Good day to you, miss. SNOW WHITE (surprised) Oh! Hello. I didn’t hear you come by. What brings you? Do you have news? OLD WOMAN News? Yes! I have news. So much news. But where are the small ones? SNOW WHITE The fellas went to work. In the mine. You know, Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Off to work we go! OLD WOMAN Hmm, so you are alone? SNOW WHITE What is your news? I feel so far away out here, in the forest. OLD WOMAN Oh! Very special news! The queen has had child, a boy. He will be the new king. SNOW WHITE But that’s not right. I am the oldest. I will be queen.OLD WOMAN No, dear girl. The boy will be the golden-haired king, in his time. SNOW WHITE Then I must go back to the castle! I must see my father. He must know that I still live. OLD WOMAN The king has sent me with a gift for you. As a celebration of the new boy-king. Apples from the Royal Orchard. They are the most special apples in the whole world. SNOW WHITE A gift? For me? OLD WOMAN You must try one! The Old Woman gives Snow White an apple. SNOW WHITE It is so beautiful! It looks so delicious! (concerned) But Doc told me to be wary of strangers and to be cautious of foods. OLD WOMAN But this is a gift from the king! And it is a celebration of the queen, the beautiful queen! SNOW WHITE She is beautiful, but she is getting old now and so cruel. Grumpy says that she will try to kill me. The fellas have twice already come to my rescue. OLD WOMAN Nonsense! She is beautiful and generous. Here, I will have one too. I will eat it and you will know that the apples are safe. The Old Woman bites into one of the apples. SNOW WHITE Is it good?OLD WOMAN (chewing) There! You see! Nothing to worry about. Go ahead! SNOW WHITE They are such lovely apples! Snow White bites into an apple and swallows the first bite. Then she takes another bite. She becomes dizzy and disoriented. OLD WOMAN Nothing to fear! SNOW WHITE Oh my! What’s happening? Snow White collapses outside the cottage with the Old Woman looking at her. OLD WOMAN I’ve got you now, you ugly girl. HaHa! The Old Woman hears some voices in the forest. She rushes away. Doc and the dwarves are coming up the pathway, home from the mine. Doc sees Snow White on the ground. DOC Miss White?! Miss White?! GRUMPY I’ll bet it was that damned queen again! DOC Let’s get her inside! The dwarves all drop their mining tools and pick up Snow White, carrying her inside. INT. DWARF COTTAGE - LATER Snow White is laid out on the largest bed, Doc’s, where she usually sleeps. The dwarves all gather around. GRUMPY What do you think, Doc?DOC I think she’s still breathing but that’s about it. GRUMPY I sent Happy to go get the Prince. I don’t know if he’ll come. DOC You sent Happy?! You didn’t go yourself? Really, Grump? GRUMPY What? Why should I go? DOC You were the one working on a plan! GRUMPY Don’t beef with me! I didn’t kill her! DOC But Happy...you know Happy. He’ll tell the Prince that everything will be A-OK. We’ll be lucky if he shows up by the weekend. GRUMPY You’re the one who brought the dead girl inside! DOC She’s not dead. GRUMPY Yet! Doc goes to the table, sits down and puts his head in his hands. DOC What the hell is going on? A horse is heard outside, galloping towards the cottage. The dwarves all look at the door. GRUMPY Well don’t just stare, Dopey! Open the damned door! Dopey opens the door, just as the PRINCE is about to knock. His hand is suspended in the air.GRUMPY (CONT’D) (to the Prince) Don’t just stand there, man. Get in here! We’ve got a dead girl on our hands. DOC She’s not dead! GRUMPY Well, either way, it’s not like some miner-dwarf has died. She’s been trouble all along. PRINCE (angry) What’s going on here?! The dwarves all point to Snow White on the bed. The Prince rushes over to her. He feels for a pulse, and shakes her by her shoulders. PRINCE (CONT’D) Wake up! Wake up! DOC We tried that. She’s been poisoned. PRINCE What the hell did you do to her?! DOC How do I know? She was on the ground when we got here. She had a basket full of herbs and mushrooms. There was an apple with a couple of bites. PRINCE That was probably it. How long has it been? DOC A couple of hours. What do you think? PRINCE I think I’d better get her the hell out of here. Look what happens to her with you monsters. The Prince tries to lift Snow White but it is awkward.GRUMPY Hang on, here! You can’t just grab her and take her away! She belongs here. PRINCE Is that right? GRUMPY Yeah! You’ll be taking her, over my dead body! PRINCE That can be arranged, easily enough. Now get out of the way! He tries to lift Snow White again, successful this time. Snow White is suddenly revived, finding herself in the arms of the handsome Prince. The Prince, really looking at her, is astonished at her beauty. He is holding her up. SNOW WHITE Oh my! What happened? PRINCE You’re like an angel! SNOW WHITE I was talking to an old woman, in the forest. She gave me a Royal apple. GRUMPY (exasperated) That would be the Queen. DOC That’s the Queen. Probably poisoned the apple. PRINCE I’ve got to get you out of here. I have to get you away from these terrible dwarves. SNOW WHITE No! They are my friends! They are wonderfully kind. GRUMPY And clean! And tidy!PRINCE You can be safe with me, at my father’s castle. Can you ride? GRUMPY (grumpy) Terrible dwarves...jeez! SNOW WHITE They saved me. They helped me. GRUMPY Hear that?! PRINCE Let’s go. You can ride with me. The Prince takes Snow White out the door. She gets on the horse and he gets on too. They ride away. DOC Well that’s a heck of a note. GRUMPY Some thank-you. But, if I’m honest, I’m glad it’s over. Relieved. DOC It won’t be the same without her. I’ll miss her. GRUMPY I won’t miss you - sharing my bed! DOC You sure about that? Seemed like, maybe... GRUMPY Get your mind out of the mud, Doc! DOC It’s just that you and I, well, we’ve been spending more time together. And I think I’ve seen another side of you. GRUMPY Hogwash! I’m going to go outside and have a smoke. Grumpy goes out.DOC Maybe we’ve learned something about ourselves. Or maybe it’s just me. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll have a smoke too. Doc goes out for a smoke. The other dwarves look around and finally start tidying up, as if Snow White had never been there. END