001 - A Knight of A Round Table

A KNIGHT OF A ROUND TABLE Written by Rick Regan July 2, 2025 Rick Regan Raleigh.rickregan@gmail.com 919-218-8834INT. RAPUNZEL’S APARTMENT - EVENING RAPUNZEL is a modern young woman, near London, with her own apartment and her own career. She is sitting in her main room, scrolling her phone. KNOCK at the door. Rapunzel goes to open the door. ROD is there, with flowers. RAPUNZEL Um...hello. Can I help you? ROD Oh, hello! Yes, these are for you. She takes the flowers. RAPUNZEL Oh, a delivery. Hang on, let me fetch a coin. Rapunzel turns to go back in. ROD Oh, no-no. They are for you....from me. RAPUNZEL From you? Who are you? ROD (explaining) Well, you see, I’m the Champion. And, you know, I’m here for you. RAPUNZEL The Champion? For me? This is a bit of a muddle. ROD Quite so, quite so, it seems. RAPUNZEL Em...well, you’d better come in. I’ll make some tea. We’ll get it done and dusted. ROD Jolly good! Rod comes in. Rapunzel makes some tea and soon they are seated with a pot of tea, some biscuits/cookies and jam.RAPUNZEL Now then, I’ve been thinking this over but I can’t quite make it out. ROD No worries. Easy enough. RAPUNZEL Go on. ROD You see, I’m the new champion. I’ve bested all the others, so... RAPUNZEL So...? ROD So... I’ve come to rescue you. M’lady. RAPUNZEL I’m sorry. Um, what was your name? ROD Rod. RAPUNZEL Rod? ROD Yes. Rod. Rodney, Rodrigo, Roderick, Rodger, Rod-the-Bod. Or, just Rod. RAPUNZEL Named after an uncle then? ROD No. Actually, it was Roderick of Toledo, the last King of the Visigoths. RAPUNZEL Visigoths? ROD Yes, my parents, you see, were quite enthusiasts about all things heraldic. The family line goes all the way back to the six-hundreds. Roderick was king in 710.RAPUNZEL Ah, well, that’s all very interesting but what does any of this have to do with me? ROD Well, as I said, I am the new champion. RAPUNZEL (impatient) Yes, you’ve mentioned that, several times. Champion of What? ROD The Round Table. RAPUNZEL What Round Table? You don’t mean like, King Arthur. Do you? ROD Oh, yes! Quite so. Most Britons, you see, are not aware that the Round Table still exists. There is the Rite of Hanseatic Knights, successors to the ancient ones, Lancelot and such. And membership is still as vibrant as ever, though out of plain sight, you know. RAPUNZEL Of course. ROD And the Green Garter of the fairest maiden is the Prize. RAPUNZEL I say, impressive stuff! ROD Yes, all very official. And QUITE a task, I must say. The ‘hardest championship of any chivalric test’, it is said. And, well, that’s me. Rod. RAPUNZEL Yes, sounds quite a rum-business. Real feather-in-the-cap, I suppose. ROD Quite so.RAPUNZEL And the Prize, I heard you say, it is a garter, is it? ROD Well, there is the actual garter, but really it is meant more as a metaphorical garter. Do you see? RAPUNZEL No, I’m afraid not. ROD Well it’s a signifying placeholder, if you twig my meaning. RAPUNZEL Sorry. Still a bit lost. ROD Well, I suppose I should go straight at it. RAPUNZEL Please do. ‘Damn the torpedoes. Full ahead!’ ROD Yes, well it’s like this. You, through your line, are the top of the chart. The Prime Consort of the Queen. Thus, your garter, or in this case, the metaphorical placeholder, is the prize of the champion. Me. Rod. Do you see? RAPUNZEL The Queen? Camilla? I haven’t seen her in ages. In the social set with my mother but I don’t think she’d know me on sight. ROD Ah, but the Chart of Heredity has you as the top non-aristocrat, nationwide. Of course, that reflects globally as well. Commonwealth and such. So you are, by blood, the most-desirable singlewoman in the world. And I, as the champion, have won your garter. So, I present myself as your faithful knight, devoted to your happiness.(MORE) RAPUNZEL (chuckles) Surely, you’re joking. I haven’t even been out dancing since Ibiza at University, on the Erasmus scheme. ROD Ah, well that’s just it, you see. I’m here to rescue you, as I said. RAPUNZEL But I have a job. I have work in the morning. ROD But, well how shall I put it? You are alone, correct? RAPUNZEL Well, yes. ROD And you are Rapunzel? RAPUNZEL Yes. ROD And I am the Champion. RAPUNZEL So? ROD So, Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. RAPUNZEL (angry) Oh, for the love of me! Do you know how I have been cursed by that damned phrase my entire life?! Some kind of joke by my parents. Leave off! ROD But...I am pledged to you, m’lady. RAPUNZEL Do you know the worst part of it, the fairy tale? Rapunzel, she has no choice, in any of it. Locked in a tower as a child. RAPUNZEL (CONT’D) Raped by some prince who happens by. Pregnant, with twins!, at 15. Banished and shunned by the witch. Even when the prince finds her, she is bound to him, with no choice in the matter. What kind of mother? What kind of wife? What kind of bloody PERSON could she even be? ROD I suppose that in the fairy tales they live happily ever after. But it’s rather more difficult in the sweaty day to day. RAPUNZEL Do you even know anything about me, who I am? ROD I know you are top of the chart. You don’t get there for nothing. And that’s good enough for me. RAPUNZEL And this champion-thing, how does that work? Like sword fights, jousting? ROD Cards mostly. Some darts, but that was never my strong suit. RAPUNZEL Cards? ROD Endless rounds of Whist, until we get to the Baccarat stage, and finally high-stakes poker. And I’m quite good with numbers. RAPUNZEL Cards? Numbers? Where was this? ROD St. James Club, Piccadilly. I work in a bank. Comes in handy. RAPUNZEL Like a clerk? ROD Bond markets, mostly. Sovereign funds, American thirty-years, Tokyo credit-swaps. I’ve got a place lined up in HM’s Treasury, Exchequer’s office. But, you know, carts-and-horses and such. RAPUNZEL Exchequer’s office? ROD Touch wood. RAPUNZEL Hang on here. You are hoping for an appointment to government-house but bring flowers to me, because I am the top of some chart of aristocrats? ROD Well, actually, non-aristocrats. That’s another form. I don’t really qualify, even as the son of the former Exchequer, Lord Howe. And honestly the royal-blood bunch don’t typically exhibit the hybridvigor that the modern world requires. Don’t you agree? RAPUNZEL Hybrid vigor? Oh, quite so. Quite so. But tell me, what is my role in all of this? ROD Rather, it is a question of my role. For the greater challenge lies ahead. For me, it is to win your heart, with loyalty, affection and, shall I say it?, romance. The greatest peak to climb is to make oneself worthy of a woman’s love. RAPUNZEL Oh, what stuff! What stuff! Now I know this must be some put-up by my idiotic friends. Is this a service, like, on-call, for a fee? Is that it?ROD No, nothing like that. I am the genuine article, I assure you. And this is how it begins, with you, and with me. I must prove my love to you. RAPUNZEL Oh, come off it! Knights of the Round Table, Exchequer’s Office, flowers. Just go. ROD Now do look here. I will not be put aside. Let me ask you, do you have a suitor? RAPUNZEL A suitor, like a boyfriend? No, not at the moment. ROD And did you have other plans tonight? RAPUNZEL Umm...no. ROD And tomorrow, and the next, and on the weekend? RAPUNZEL Sadly, no. ROD Well then, here I am. I present myself as opportunity-knocking. RAPUNZEL I don’t even know you. ROD Of course you do. You’ve known a dozen men like me. Sons of politicians, university men, bankers, lawyers. We probably even went to the same schools. RAPUNZEL I went to an all-girls school.ROD I went to an all-boys, so...nevertheless. You already know me, or rather my category of fellow. RAPUNZEL Your type? I know your type? Yes, now that you say it, I do. I do know your type. And I’ve never liked them. Always so damned cocksure of themselves. ROD But you hadn’t met the champion. At least not until now. And my job is, to get you to look me in the eye, look me up-and-down, look at yourself and at me, and say, well, perhaps he’ll do. He’s not Prince Charming but that lad left for Hollywood to marry the soap-opera woman. My job is, to ask you to open your heart, your tower, and let me be with you, stand with you, hold your hand when there are storms outside. RAPUNZEL Just like that? Open my heart? ROD It’s not too difficult, once you get the hang of it. Just know that I am dedicated to you, m’lady. Your happiness. RAPUNZEL And what do you expect me to do now? Throw open my arms and kiss you? Or more? ROD I expect no such thing. I wouldn’t expect a woman in the modern world to take the word of some stranger who knocks on the door. For myself, I withdraw for the evening. For you, I imagine you will wish to consider the situation, absurd as it seems, and discuss the matter with trusted friends, or your sister.RAPUNZEL Yes? ROD And I will leave you with a standing offer, for dinner on Friday. If you have a preference, let me know, otherwise I will reserve my usual table at The Avalon in Clapham. Eight PM. Shall I pick you up? RAPUNZEL How do I contact you? ROD I will leave my card on the table by the door. Will that do? RAPUNZEL I suppose. ROD Then, m’lady. I bid you good night. Rod turns and makes for the door. He fishes a card from a pocket and leaves it on the table. RAPUNZEL Look, hang on there, old boy. The...eh...night is young. Perhaps I could make some more tea. Or a whisky, if that is more your style? ROD Well, I rather... RAPUNZEL Perhaps we should get to know a bit about each other. Take the measure of ourselves. ROD I suppose you’d like to approve the cut of my jib? Is that it? RAPUNZEL Oh, well, rather more than that. We might as well put the ships into the fight, wouldn’t you say? ROD Well, I say, I’m not really prepared for...RAPUNZEL The ships might be safe in harbor, but that’s not why we build them. Too right, eh? ROD Well, my dear, I’m rather concerned that a whisky here and another there, and...eh...tongues may wag. RAPUNZEL Come on, Buckaroo! Push the chips into the middle. You’ve got a winning hand! Come, I’ll show you my digs. ROD Uh, gosh! I really must go. Thank you for the tea. I hope to see you on Friday. Good evening. Rod hurries out and closes the door. Rapunzel looks at the closed door, the flowers and finally finds the card. She reads the card, with name and number. RAPUNZEL Well, almost had him. Next time, I guess. END.