Who Were You Supposed to Be? The Ache of Doing Everything Right

And then you're like , oh , now I feel bad and shitty because I've missed that Pilates class yet again . And another day begins , groundhog Day , and before you even realize it , you're already performing . But here's a question most of us rarely stop to ask how did this idea of life , this particular version of life that you're chasing , form in your head ?

This is what we're diving into this week's episode , which is also episode 100 of the cinegram podcast . I'm excited . So let's walk this path together . There's a different way to think about mental health , and it starts with slowing down . Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home , and that's exactly where we're taking the scenic route .

Hi , I'm Jennifer Walter , host of the Scenic Route podcast . Think of me as your sociologist , sister in arms and rebel with many causes . Together . We're blending critical thinking with compassion , mental health with a dash of rebellion , and personal healing with collective change . We're treating perfectionism for possibility and toxic positivity for messy growth .

Each week , we're exploring the path to better mental health and social transformation . And yes , by the way , pretty crystals are totally optional . You ready to take the scenic route ? Let's walk this path together . There's a specific kind of adult ache , or adulthood ache , that no one warns you about , or anyway , no one warned me about .

But then again , my parents are my parents , but you know it's . It's not the sharp pain of failure or heartbreak , and it's not the chaos of breakdown or the adrenaline of starting over . It's much , much quieter and it's nagging and it's really hard to shake off . It's this dull , hollow ache of success that doesn't feel like yours .

It's a dull dissonance , a low-level grief , the kind that whispers . I did everything I was supposed to do , so why does it feel like I'm disappearing ? I'm disappearing . Why does it feel like I'm no longer me ? Why does it feel like all of this doesn't make me happy ? And the tale of this starts started long , long ago , right it ?

It started with you waking up every , every day , in a life that you've built meticulously . You're chasing the degrees , the promotions , the milestones . You've checked the boxes , you follow the steps , the blueprint , the , whatever you name it , and , of course , you've always smiled when you're fucking supposed to .

And then for a lot of us between 35 and 47 or something I'm sure for me it was with around 35 , 36 it fucking hits you . I don't remember choosing this , this , and it becomes clear as day .

I did not choose this , not fully , not consciously , and surely not from desire , but from avoidance from going after what I don't want instead of choosing what I do want . I moved from fear and from what you were taught not to be Right , the job you pursued , the metrics of success . You accepted the relationships you stayed in for way too long .

They weren't random . They were responses to expectation , to approval , to the roles you were trained to play . You didn't invent your roles . You didn't invent your roles . You didn't invent your identity . You absorbed it . You were shaped by culture , by family , by systems that reward performance and punish pause .

But what happens when the mask of performance just gets too heavy ? What happens when the applause stops feeling like affirmation and it starts sounding like a trap ? Or what happens when performance Stops ? Your KPI becomes unbearable ? If this sounds familiar to you , either you're nodding your head like a bobblehead or you're seeing yourself in bits and pieces .

You're not alone and most certainly you're not broken . This ache , this dull ache , this dis ache , this destination , it has a social logic , that's , there's a name for what you're feeling and it begins with the way meaning is made .

So , to understand what's happening when your life no longer feels like your own , we need to talk about something called symbolic interactionism . Don't worry , this ain't a lecture , although if you're like an old school diehard around here , I tend to give lectures , but hey , stick with me . I tend to give lectures , but hey , stick with me , right ?

This is kind of like the key to decoding the quiet discontent that has been building for years . There wasn't , if you're looking back now , there probably wasn't a singular moment that stands out to you , but there were . Upon reflection , you'll see loads of loads of different small moments that now , after reflection and after time , you're like there .

So symbolic interactionism is a sociological theory that basically and Enoch says we do not react to the world directly . We react to the meanings we have assigned to it , meanings shaped by our interactions with others . So let's unpack this because it's a lot . So let's unpack this because it's a lot .

Coined by sociologist Herbert Blumer and rooted in the work of George Herbert Mead , this theory , symbolic interactionism , rests on three powerful insights . One meaning is not inherent . It's socially created . That's also why meaning is different from culture to culture . It has shaped meaning over time , right ?

So your ideas about success , womanhood , ambition , manhood , you name it they didn't begin with you . Two we learn meaning through interaction , through language , feedback and observation .

So every raised eyebrow from your mother , every gold star from your teacher , every fiver for , like a good grade , or every silence that you got taught you something , right for me , every time I got a raised eyebrow from my grandma , it was her silent way of saying do you really want to eat that ? So , number three , we're constantly interpreting

and reinterpreting those meanings . We're doing interpretation after interpretation after interpretation after interpretation . It's the ongoing flow of daily life , right , we cannot not assign , or it's really really hard not to assign , meaning to things . Okay ?

So if you're now like thanks , jen , love the wee TED Talks , like hold on , let's look at what does that mean for you ? Right , like , sociology , theory is one thing , but how can we fucking apply it ?

So it means that , basically , all the words you use success , woman , good , bad , worthy enough , successful blah , blah , blah , blah these aren't neutral words , they're symbols , they stand for something , and those symbols have been loaded with meaning long before you ever got to define them .

Right , the job you took , the body shaped , the way you apologized before speaking , it's not really random , it's a sort of social choreography , and like any choreography , it was taught . So you're not just living , you're negotiating who you are every day with the world around you . Right , because we said we don't react to the world directly .

Right , we react to the meanings we have assigned to it . Those meanings are shaped by our interactions with others . So your identity isn't something fixed inside you . There , you have certain traits that you're born with , but how they develop , if they're nurtured or denied , has a massive influence .

So your identity now , in your 30ss , it's something performed , perceived , reflected and adapted . This is why so many , so many women , especially those high achieving , deeply introspective women , right , um , I wake up one day and whisper who am I when I'm not being seen ? Who am I when I stop performing for the audience and start living for myself ?

No one captured this better than sociologist ervin golfman , who described everyday life as a kind of performance . He said we're all actors on the stage presenting ourselves to , to an audience that we hope is benevolent of our performance .

He coined from front stage and backstage too , where the front is the curated self , the one you bring to work , to Instagram , to dinners with your parents . It's the one you want to be seen .

There's the backstage , the private self , the one you hide , the one you deem unworthy , the one who takes the mask off , the one who sometimes whispers I don't want to do this . I mean , don't get me wrong . We have decades of experience now on how to perform , because we learned how to perform very , very early .

I mean , it was basically how we survived , for good or for bad , right , like we survived , we adapted . When we were shown love to get more love , we adapted . When we were shown negligence , indifference , we adapted too . We changed our behavior too .

So along the way , we learned that being easy to love meant being agreeable , right , and that being worthy meant achieving and being desirable meant self-managing your tone and your ties and your emotions , and so the whole burl wind performance began , and it goes on and on , and another act of another act .

And it's not because you're fake , right , I want you to get it . This is not because you're fake , but because you're adaptive , because you know how to survive because you're smart and capable . So you became fluent in what was rewarded . But fluency in performance costs fluency in self .

You start forgetting where the performance ends and you begin , and when the lights go out and the audience goes home , what's left ? Extensionalists like Jean-Paul Sartre or Simone de Beauvoir push it even further . Sartre had this very famous saying where he said we're condemned to be free . One meaning I assign it to is we're always free , always choosing .

Even when we say we aren't , we're always making decisions . It choosing , even when we say we aren't , we're always making decisions . It's always one or the other . Or if we say we're not choosing , we still are choosing . But most of us we choose without knowing we're choosing . Most of us we don't choose .

We inherit or we choose what we don't want or a lack of actually doing the work to know what we want . But the moment you see this script , you become free to rewrite it , and that's also what existentialism teaches

us . The moment you see this script , you become free to rewrite it , and that's also what existentialism teaches us . The moment you see the script , you're free to rewrite it . You don't need to focus on finishing whatever life idea script you have in front of you . You don't right , you can write another script .

And also , you don't , don't focus on finishing your new script , just focus on writing the first word and I promise you it won't be neat , it won't be . It won't be , it won't be probably the best thing you wrote ever or did . It won't be tidy , but it will be true . So allow it to be messy , expect it to be messy for it to be true .

So the most radical truth of symbolic interactionism is also this if meaning is made and meaning can be remade , so what the fuck ? You didn't write the original script , no one did . But you get to revise it . You get to go back and say you know what I'm gonna , I'm gonna do a different act . Now you get to step off the stage .

You get to be whole , not just polished , messy , not just admirable , loved , truly loved , free , not just functional . So this isn't the end of your story . This isn't . This isn't the end . It's the moment you step off the stage , take off the mask and start writing a life that's finally yours right the stage .

Take off the mask and start writing a life that's finally yours Right . And if you're ready to take that step , to move from insight into embodiment .

I've created something just for you there for this episode 100 , there is a little bonus version of this episode . I'll guide you through a full transformative exercise to uncover the role you have been performing , to identify the audience you've been playing to , and to really reclaim the words that have defined you and rewrite them on your own terms .

Rewrite them on your own terms . This is a gentle but powerful unmasking . I'll return to your own language and return to the version of you that was never meant to be a performer . You can get instant access when you sign up for my monthly newsletter , soft . The link is in the show notes .

Once you sign up , you'll have an email in your inbox , and soft is a really cool place to read . Anyway , it's where I share slow reflections . It's kind of like the spoon . Soft is also like the spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down and , believe me , I'm always taking my medicine too , and there are tools to help you to come home to yourself .

Again and again and again . I'm excited . I'll meet you there to get instant access . Sign up . If not , that is totally cool . I'll see you back on CineGround next week . Love us , and just like that , we've reached the end of another journey together on the CineGroup podcast . Thank you for spending time with us .

Curious for more stories or in search of the resources mentioned in today's episode , visit us at cineigroupodcastcom for everything you need and if you're ready to embrace your scenic route , I've got something special for you . Step off the beaten path with my scenic route affirmation card deck .

It's crafted for those moments when you're seeking courage , yearning to trust your inner voice and eager to carve out a path authentically , unmistakably yours . Pick your scenic route affirmation today and let it support you . Excited about where your journey might lead , I certainly am .

Remember , the scenic route is not just about the destination , but the experiences , learnings and joy we discover along the way . Thank you for being here and I look forward to seeing you on the scenic route again .