The Knowing–Doing Gap: Why Smart Women Stay Stuck (and How to Finally Change)

You still haven't set the boundary . You still freeze when it's time to hit publish . You haven't met that monetary milestone . You're still waiting for permission from a world that doesn't know what to do with women like you and me . But what's really going on here and why is it so unbelievably hard to live what we already know ?

There's a different way to think about mental health , and it starts with slowing down . Sometimes , the longest way around is the shortest way home , and that's exactly where we're taking the scenic route . Hi , I'm Jennifer Walter , host of the Scenic Route podcast . Think of me as your sociologist , sister in arms and rebel with many causes .

Together , we're blending critical thinking with compassion , mental health with a dash of rebellion , and personal healing with collective change . We're trading perfectionism for possibility and toxic positivity for messy growth . Each week , we're exploring the path to better mental health and social transformation . And yes , by the way , pretty crystals are totally optional .

You ready to take the scenic route ? Let's walk this path together . So let me introduce you to a concept from environmental

psychology . Yes , Environmental psychology , yes , environmental psychology . Stay with me . Okay , stay with me .

So in 2002 , two researchers , francisco Comas and Julian Agumon , asked a very deceptively simple question , one that we all ask ourselves from time to time why do people who care about the environment , who say that they care about the environment , still act in ways that harm it ? And they weren't really the first to notice this pattern .

And this goes back years and years and years , because behavioral science has been circling this contradiction for decades . And it's not just behavioral psychology , also sociology has always been like oh , very fascinating . Why do people like do what they do or not do what they don't do ?

So back in 1957 , psychologists leon festinger , introduced the cognitive distance theory , the idea that holding two conflicting beliefs causes psychological discomfort . So when people know smoking is harmful , but still light a cigarette , the tension between belief and behavior creates dissonance and discomfort . But we are smart little beings , right . So what do we do ?

We rationalize the shit out of everything to kind of like , find excuses , we delay or we just numb out out , so that didn't really help at all . Like um , when we look at behavioral change later , um in the 1977 albert bandura has offered another key insight . In his paper .

He said even if people know what to do and want to do it , you have no idea if know and want , they won't do it unless they believe they're capable in doing so .

He called this self-efficiency your belief in your own ability to influence outcomes , and I feel that really strikes a chord yet again in 2025 where we're like what is our ability to influence outcomes ? It feels abysmal , so low self . I think she doesn't mean you're lazy .

It simply means you don't trust you yourself to follow true or your resilience if things get really hard , and that is also something . Sometimes you want to do two bigger things . We've had this on the Sydney ground a lot of times that you have to go really , really small if you start training that muscle of trusting yourself in any regard .

But so back to like , how does environmental psychology fit into this ?

Well , um , by the time commas and argument published our paper mind the gap in 2002 , they were kind of like building on all of this right on , decades on , of behavioral , behavioral science , from psychology , sociology and all the different fields , and they distilled it into one powerful model , while at the same time and this is why a lot of discipline , questioning

if that is even purposeful and a smart thing to do um , love us . But so , basically , they show that behavior isn't just a result of knowledge and good intentions , is shaped by a dense web of internal factors like emotion , identity , habits , past experiences .

External factors like social norms , culture , institutions and access and , most importantly , barriers , those quiet , invisible forces that block you from taking action even when we really really want to . Okay , so they applied this model to environmental choices , but when I read the paper , I was like damn , I saw Oz , I saw me and Oz I know .

Like I saw Oz , like Oz , women who are insightful , smart , have a degree , are capable , awake , are like , conscious and want to be in integrity and still are stuck in habits and roles and lives that don't really feel like Homer , like us , because

knowing isn't the problem , it's what stands in the way of doing that we need to talk about . So let's , let's bring this closer to home .

What come as an argument mapped out for environmental action , the gap between values , knowledge and real world choices is something I see daily in myself and my clients and my friends and all smart , highly functioning women , right ?

Women who can name the problem , trace the pattern , explain the conditioning , but still wake up on Groundhog Day , stuck in the same loop over and over , again and again . I there is , then , where we're really gullible .

To instagram or and social media in general , of like , oh , you just need like more willpower , to kind of like shove it to your inner like lazy dog and just kind of like move on . Yeah , but again , this is not just about willpower . If you need willpower to sustain you for decades , it's not gonna work .

You will run out of willpower , right , and how to not run out of willpower until you have like habitualized behavior . So , again , I really think it's crucial to see that we're not lacking willpower . It's about how we've been conditioned to survive . We have been rewarded for certain values and beliefs more so than others , like men , for example .

So if we look at the internal world that commas and agamon refer to in their model your values , your beliefs , your body's memory of safety it isn't separate from your behavior . It is your behavior , right ?

You've likely spent years shaping an identity built around competence , control , caretaking , being the smart one , being the oldest , oldest sister being the responsible one , yada , y oldest sister being the responsible one , yada , yada , yada . Right , it's endless . These roles might have once been adaptive .

They protected you , they kept you safe , but they often come at a cost of authenticity and rest , and this is also something we looked at last week's episode . If you want to know more about this after this episode , go back to last week's episode 100 .

So when you try to shift or try to invite change or change anything , it's something new to your system and your whole body nervous system is kind of like oh well , no , we're not having that .

It creates discomfort or even panic , not because you're broken or you're too scared or whatever , but it's just the reaction of what familiar feels safe and even if it's painful and it's keeping you back . So resistance isn't laziness , right , it's , it's loyalty to the identity that kept you alive .

We have to look at how it might be kind of like this place , but it's not lazy or wrong . So we need to know complete , we need to be completely honest if where we're at , with what kind of machinery we're working with , if we want

to do any kind of change , and then when we know what machine we're working with , it's time to learn how we , how to assemble it gently from the inside out . I don't believe in brute force if it comes to change , like if , if that's you and you can just rip off the band-aid and then you're done , you do , you like I .

That's amazing , but I know it doesn't work for me and I know it doesn't work for other people too . So let's look at , let's take a closer look at , these internal factors , because this is where knowing or that knowing doing gap often starts . First , the self-aware . Right , you have it . You probably have way too much of it .

You maybe even have a degree in it . Right , you understand your patterns , your trauma . You have , you like , your relational dynamics . You probably have written a dissertation on your inner child . You have done all , you have tested all the modalities to kind of like help yourself . Life coaching , sound healing , you fucking name it .

But knowing doesn't guarantee movement . Why ? Because we don't act from intellect . We act from our felt sense of safety , and safety is stored not in the brain but in a body . Next , we have emotional conditioning . Beliefs like my worth depends on my productivity , on my output .

If I , or if I set a boundary , I'll be abandoned , like if I stand my ground , no one will love me . If I , or if I stop fixing , something will fall apart . If I'm not the one who's going to save this relationship , it will die . And all of these non-random thoughts they're somatic truths , right ?

Things you hold , store , meaning that you store deep in your body and that you think , you think of as real . And if you think of something as real , it's real also in its consequences , regardless of what your intellect might know .

And then what could also creep in is what we had at the beginning the cognitive dissonance , right , that awful gap between you know who you know yourself to be and how you . You keep showing up the tension between your ideals and your reality , the where you're at . And it's painful to really look honestly where you're at .

It's incredibly fucking painful and I speak from experience , but I want you to see that it's also data , it's your system telling you this thing doesn't fit you anymore . And when the old identity starts to crack , that's when you know you're getting closer .

Okay , so let's look at what we now we have like internal factors that we have to deal with when we're looking at change or lasting change . And now let's like switch over to external factors . Right , because your context matters more than you think .

And this is where , sometimes , like I clash with psychologists , where I'm like certain psychology , like psychology , like so blah , blah , brain fart , certain psychological measures are just kind of like symptom treating while not looking at root causes . Like this system we're in anyway

. So if we zoom out , go back to the model , and we zoom out from internal to external behavior factors , we see that our behavior isn't just shaped from the inside , it is deeply , deeply influenced by what surrounds us . Right , we can start with culture .

We all currently live in a very harmful culture we live in , we live in systems that praise busyness , reward burnout and really , really hate drastic . Right , it's also a system , um , who tells women that they can be anything you can be anything , barbie but then push them for being too ambitious , too visible , too soft or too clear .

Right , it's a culture that is dependent on our free care work . It's a culture that is has very harmful stereotypes for men and women . So we're in this culture . Of course it it shifts , it means different things for different people , but so we adapt , we contort , we stay pleasing , productive , palatable , sweet , even when it's causing the death of us .

Right then we have social expectations , and this is always a really , really personal one , because the moment you start to invite change , you set a boundary , you stop over-functioning , you let yourself rest , and people around you most people around you , in fact might not like that , because it means they will have to pick up the slack .

They need to be more involved , they need to do more , will have to pick up the slack . They need to be more involved . They need to do more , they need to keep up . They need to suddenly do the dishes or cook or whatever it fucking is right and it's not .

They don't also don't like it because not because they don't love you , right , but they , they've relied on the old version of you to stay comfortable , to stay productive , and they haven't met the .

You have not introduced the new you , the you that says this is how it's going to happen now and forever , or until I change , until I say there is a new direction we take . Change threatens the emotional economy of our relationship . That's often why even the kindest , most good-hearted people resist growth .

We resist your growth because it challenges them , and I mean , look at it right . It's also why many rehab centers , for example , are intentionally built far away from people's daily lives , or why you go on like business retreats somewhere completely different .

Because when we're breaking a pattern , distance from the system that trained , that very pattern can be a really helpful value , valuable , can be very helpful in it , dear lord , brain farts today can be really helpful . So it's not about escape , it's about clarity , it's about beginning being able to hear yourself again without the noise , the distractions , right .

So we've talked about some like internal factors , some external factors . Now it's kind of like to look at the barriers . That's kind of like the heart of it . I feel , um , the barriers that live between insight and action , right , what is actually like going into the way , in into our way , and say , nope , you're not coming in .

I mean , if this is a sentence I have said a thousand times and I've heard it in my coaching clients again and again , it's the I know what I need to do , I just can't seem to do it . And again , it's not a failure of discipline , it's just data , it's a signal that you're up against more than just mindset , right . So let's break it down .

Of course , barriers are all behavioral patterns . I mean , if you're used to doing something for the past 10 , 20 , 30 , 40 years . It's not just going to stop overnight or after one fine day of not doing something . Your old behavioral patterns are your autopilot , autopilot , your default , the overworking , the rescuing , the numbing , the proving .

They're not bad habits . Bad habits , they're protective routines and they kept you safe for years . But now they're keeping you stuck . Though , and here is kind of like the shift , the shift tips head Start with micro interruption . It's really . Don't try to overhaul your entire behavioral system . Interrupt it gently and often .

Let's look at this from a very practical perspective . Let's say you're at work and you receive an email that I don't know suddenly , or not so suddenly , pressures you into taking on extra work . Your reflex might be to reply immediately , saying yes , to be helpful , right , that's kind of like the default . That's playing .

The micro interruption would be instead of responding right away , you pause , you close your eyes and take a deep breath in and a deep breath out , and this is really micro . It takes you like 10 seconds , but this small act will interrupt your autopilot pattern .

It buys you space to respond , not from your values , from the values you hold now , and not your reflex , your past autopilot , and that's how rewiring begins . When we look at barriers , we also have emotional blocks . This is when your desire for change meets your fear of what it will cost . You want to slow down , but if ? What if you lose your momentum ?

You want to speak up , but what if you're too much or then become unlovable for speaking your mind ? You want to rest , but what if no one needs me anymore you anymore ? Again , here is a little shift tip for you start by creating emotional safety and not behavioral pressure .

Use self-inquiry or somatic practices to ask what part of me is afraid and what does it need . Another barrier , um , that colmos and admin have found in their model , or visualized in their model , are structural and situational constraints . Right , because , let's be honest , sometimes and I feel this has been a lot of times recently we're not resisting per se .

We're just hanging in there , fucking surviving . Right time , money , child care , chronic illness , caretaking , oppression these aren't excuses , they're real limits and they deserve respect . Right , it helps no one if we pretend that they aren't limits . It just speaks of your fucking privilege . It's not helping anyone if you do that .

So , instead of saying oh , no , like , instead of being blind to your limits , actually be again . Do a really honest assessment of them and work with them . Not everything has to change today , but every one of us holds a small bit of agency and even if it might be just really small , but what bit of agency do you have right now ?

In which area do you hold agency ? Can you build on that ? It might not be time , you might not have really much say about your time , but maybe you have more say about your money .

You don't have really much say on your chronic illness I mean , it's just there or your oppression , but how are other different ways where you can say where you see , oh , I actually I do have agency there and how can I build that ? Another barrier is the lack of feedback or reinforcements .

For example , you finally you did the thing you wanted to do , you set a boundary , or you go quiet , you rest , and the world doesn't notice , there is no reaction to it , or , worse , it pushes back , which often happens right , with angry spouses or angry bosses being like , hey , what's up ? Um and and again . Here it's really to about redefining your win .

You really track your internal shifts , track the moments you stood your ground and said no , celebrate , notice that you're feeling calm when you were used to feel stressed and ask . Another thing is that it's really crucial ask for witnessing um . This can be in in free spaces or in paid spaces . Let someone reflect your change back to you .

This is also really , really crucial in my coaching work that often people need a mirror that reflects their change back to them , because if you're in the trenches , you don't really you have a hard time seeing it and that's totally it , right , like , and that's okay . So this can be really helpful .

It can also be a dear friend or maybe you're in a co-working group ,

so you can do this work together . So let's again have one thing very clear the goal isn't to change who you are or the behaviors you deem a problem . Again , that's crucial . You think are a problem . Um , don't , don't think you're going to change them overnight . That's just going to set you up for failure .

Um , and it's also not the goal to become perfect um at doing right there , there would be no metal like . You can implement this model and do it perfectly . You will not get a gold medal right it .

It's really about building a life where your inside can live in your body , your schedule , your relationships , a life that doesn't just know , but acts , expresses and feels aligned . And that really starts by honoring the gap .

And honoring the gap means being absolutely brutally honest with where you are right now , because a lot of , because I see a lot of people doing like the vision boards and that's great , great work for seeing the other part of the gap , where you want to be .

But you also need to know where you're at so you see the path , the work ahead of you , not just the vision board glossy , fancy part , but the messy , raw , brutal part of actually meeting yourself where you're at and dishonoring the gap .

It it's not seeing it not as a failure , as a opportunity to crap on yourself , but as an invitation right , as an invitation to pause , to revire , to change what you believe for decades and to walk the scenic route right , not because it's slow and the views are nice there they are nicer but because it's true , it's the only way home .

You don't't need more potential , more vision boards . You need to give your becoming a structure that can hold it , that can sustain it over a long period of time . Because you already know right , you know you've done the work , you intellectually have done all the work . Now it's really time to move . So okay , hey , if this episode landed , please share it .

Send it to your friend who keeps saying I know what to do , but and if you're ready to stop circling your insight and start building a life that matches what you already know ? This is part of exactly the work I do with clients , one-on-one .

Together , we bridge the gap between knowing and doing in the scenic route fashion , with compassion , with feeling safe in a body and the structure that fits your life . You don't have to push through this alone . You can be held and challenged . Those things can work together and you can change and achieve lasting change without burning out .

So if this resonates with you , I invite you to head over to jenniferwalterme to learn more and book , or book a free connection call to see what would work best for you . So until next time on the scenic route , stay soft , stay sharp and take the scenic route .

Love us and just like that , we've reached the end of another journey together on the scenic route podcast . Thank you for spending time with us . Curious for more stories or in search of the resources mentioned in today's episode , visit us at scenigroupodcastcom for everything you need and if you're ready to embrace your scenigroup , I've got something special for you .

Step off the beaten path with my scenigroup affirmation card deck . It's crafted for those moments when you're seeking courage , yearning to trust your inner voice and eager to carve out a path authentically , unmistakably yours . Pick your scenic route affirmation today and let it support you . Excited about where your journey might lead ? I certainly am .

Remember , the scenic route is not just about the destination , but the experiences , learnings and joy we discover along the way . Thank you for being here and I look forward to seeing you on the scenic route again .