Smiles and Sacrifices: The Modern Motherhood Performance

So today , on the Scenic Route , we kind of like , expose or try to put into words why we celebrate men who stay clear from parenthood while punishing women who dare to speak the truth . And how Tradwife fits into all of this , it will trust me .

Grab your beverage of choice and let's dive in into what happensz when women dare to drop the mask of maternal bliss and how that backlash isn't about protecting families , it's about protecting a profitable system built on women's silence . There's a different way to think about mental health , and it starts with slowing down .

Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home , and that's exactly why we're taking the scenic route . Hi , I'm Jennifer Walter , host of the Scenic Route podcast . Think of me as your sociologist , sister in arms and rebel with many causes Together .

We're blending critical thinking with compassion , mental health with a dash of rebellion , and personal healing with collective change . We're trading perfectionism for possibility and toxic positivity for messy growth . Each week , we're exploring the path to better mental health and social transformation . And yes , by the way , pretty crystals are totally optional .

You ready to take the scenic route ? Let's walk this path together . As a sociologist and feminist , I wasn't surprised at all when Japp Rowan , on the recent episode of the podcast called her daddy , said her friends with kids are in hell . I mean , yeah , I feel you , we feel you .

And I also wasn't surprised by the fury that followed from conservatives , because this is precisely what happens when a woman speaks too plainly about the realities of motherhood as she sees them , and while we don't interrogate the conditions making mothers suffer , we interrogate the women who dare to name them .

Meanwhile , I think it was not that long ago when Seth Rogen said on a talk show that not having kids helped him succeed , and he and his wife clearly decided not , like it was a very conscious decision not to have kids , which is very cool , you do you . And not to have kids , which is very cool , you do you . But he , like the media narrative around this

interview , like he has been seen as like , wise and grounded .

And when we look at the narrative following Chapel Rowan , when she says her observation that her friends with young children are exhausted and joyless , she's accused of kind of like being bitter , immature , anti-family , like , yeah , the whole , the whole shenanigans , right , and just this contrast alone kind of like tells us everything about what we value .

It's not the honesty , it's the performance . So , and I feel it's really important to kind of like look into the distinction between motherhood as an experience versus an institution . Um adrian rich , in her book of women born , draws a distinction that remains quite essential the difference between motherhood as experience and motherhood as institution .

Motherhood as experience is real , contradictory , human , like , precious , joyful , hard , flawed right , it's , it's all the things . It's full of long days and short years and it's full of intimacy and loss and joy and rage and connection and disintegration . And right , it's the lived reality of caring for children .

It's messy and complex , deeply personal and and wonderful . Yet motherhood as institution is a culture and political script . It demands women's sacrifice , smile and obedience . It clearly defines a good mother in quotes as one who is endlessly available , grateful

, emotionally visible and preferably with a good blow-dry . Institution doesn't merely describe motherhood , it just it prescribes it , enforcing very narrow boundaries of acceptable maternal behavior . Right , and don't you dare say you regret having kids like that's . That's puts you right into dante's whatever kind of ring of hell .

So , yeah , chapel run , kind of again , was one of the recent examples , that of people who broke the silence and the backlash and followed . Wasn't about what she said , right , it was about what she kind of disrupted by speaking things out loud . And to look at the role of mother , I think it's really interesting to and the role of a good mother .

To look at Irving Goffman's theory of dramaturgy Right , we are all actors in social , in our very own social performance . Right , we go on stage and we perform , and motherhood in particular is a very , very , if not the most scrutinized role nowadays .

Right , the performance is very rigid the good mother as a nurturing , calm , selfless , fulfilled , as said , preferably becky with the good . And she must never appear overwhelmed or ambivalent or angry , god forbid . And to drop that mask while on stage , to admit that the role is crushing , is to invite condemnation .

And this performance doesn't merely burden individual women , it also serves as a broader social function , while by keeping mothers focused on their personal adequacy rather than structural inadequacies , we prevent collective action that might demand better conditions for care , work Right , better conditions for child care , better conditions for like work and life balance .

So , chapel , she reminded us that the stage is really a stage and a set and that behind it , the actors , women with kids , are often exhausted , unseen and fucking unsupported , and for that she was dragged . But it's very important to highlight that again . This is all structural , right , it's happened .

This is what happens when society asks women to raise children without affordable child care , paid leave , social support or just general fucking rest . Right , I mean yes of . I mean yes . Of course we are unhappy . Maybe we're not unhappy like all day , every day , but

we are unhappy . It's what happens when an entire economic system is propped up by the unpaid labor of mothers and the gas and then gaslights them into thinking that their exhaustion is a personal failure . They can fix it with I don't know whatever kind of weird relaxation candle Gwyneth Paltrow wants to push when a paltrow wants to push .

So I mean some stats for you , right ? According to bureau of labor statistics , women spend 37 percent more time on unpaid household and care work than men . The economic value of this unpaid care work is estimated around 11 trillion globally . Yet this number is it's invisible .

It's nowhere in GDP calculations , policy considerations , it's just taken for granted , and laurie penny writes it very articulately in saying the unpaid , invisible labor of women is what keeps the world turning and it also keeps turning because we have been told to fucking smile through it and just shut up , right , it's kind of like the dixie , the chick song , like

just shut up and shut up and sing , or just smile and say I I never got the lyrics to that anyway . So and then , interestingly not interestingly seph rogan isn't vilified for saying he doesn't want kids , because our culture doesn't require men to anchor their identities in care work . We don't script masculinity around emotional labor or self-sacrifice .

So when a man chooses not to be a parent , it's autonomy . Why is this a decision ? When a woman critiques the system around motherhood , it's betrayal . Rogan , this thing is practical , wise , smart , broan , ooh , dangerous , a threat . So

at the beginning I I promised you , trad , trad , the trad wives will fit into this and they will . So here we go . Um , right , it's this whole . It fits into this whole narrative of , and this whole stage play of motherhood .

Right , the rise of the , of the , the trad wife movement from the last couple of years , a social media-fueled return to traditional values where a woman embraces hyperdomesticity , submission and performative femininity . It isn't occurring in a political vacuum . Nothing is right .

It's directly connected to broader political currents that seek to redefine women's roles in increasingly restrictive ways . This movement has gained momentum alongside the rise of right-wing populism globally . What began as an aesthetics nostalgia for 1950s vibes and lifestyles has evolved into a political stand that intertwines with conservative and nationalist agendas .

The triad wife ideal doesn't just romanticize motherhood . It actively promotes a return to patriarchal family structures where women's primary value is derived from their reproductive and domestic labor . The whole political dimensions become very clear when we examine how who amplifies these messages .

I mean conservative media outlets , politicians promoting family values and religious organizations . I mean politicians who , I mean themselves have , like I don't know , a gazillion kids by a gazillion different women .

So whatever , take that for whatever family value that is , I don't know and like religious organizations fighting against reproductive rights and have all embraced the trad wife aesthetic as a proof that women naturally desire traditional roles .

And again , if this is on an individual level , if this is what you personally desire , yes , go do that , but be mindful of how this can be institutionalized . Anyway .

The rhetoric around protecting the family , the core family , um often translates to policies that restrict women's economic independence , reproductive autonomy and political voice , and it's a word or a term that comes in a lot of conservative right-wing parties , right when we also think of the AfD in Germany .

So all of this is very evident in political campaigns that use motherhood as a moral credential . Female politicians are often required to perform perfect motherhood while simultaneously proving their professional competence , a double standard their male counterparts rarely face .

I mean , would you imagine a female elon musk having I don't know a boatload of children by a boatload of different men , how this woman woman would be seen in society and dare imagine this woman might be black ? Right , just this makes it all just mind-boggling nonsense . So meanwhile , like let it .

Legislation that would actually support mothers paid family leave , subsidized childcare , maternal healthcare is frequently blocked by the same political forces celebrating the trad wife idea . So the whole trad wife aesthetic package is the institution of motherhood and soft lighting and curated table settings and homemade butter churns and all those .

It doesn't fix the system Right , it just I don't know , it paints it pink . And it doesn't sell support , it sells silence . And forget about the fact that a lot of these very popular trad wives are very wealthy women with very wealthy backgrounds .

Side note so in states where reproductive rights are being rolled back , the tradwife narrative serves as a cultural reinforcement . As a cultural reinforcement , again , right . So suggesting that women's trade fulfillment comes from embracing their biological air quotes destiny rather than fighting for bodily autonomy .

And the political message becomes if modernity is your highest calling , why would you need to control over when and how you enter it ? Just be happy that you do , be grateful that you do . And I mean also just the fact that they're excluding anyone who is biologically not able to become a mother . I , yeah , just another layer of nonsense .

So in this political context , rowan's words well , they're not just inconvenient for conservatives , they're unforgivable , right , because she isn't romanticizing any of this , she's naming its cost and and that's your happiness .

I mean , social psychologists could also explain this backlash through the lens of cognitive dissonance , and this is something why there was also a lot of backlash from individual mothers , right , not just like from the media .

When someone says something that threatens the belief we hold very close to us , um , really like an established assumption of who we are , like motherhood is the most fulfilling role a woman can have . If someone threatens that , we feel discomfort and we do not like discomfort .

So instead of confronting the belief and asking ourselves critically , why do we feel this discomfort , we rather lash out and attack , and studies show that we're particularly resistant to information that challenges beliefs tied to our identity or moral framework , and for many of us , rightly so . Modernity isn't just a role , right , it's more than that .

For a lot of us , it is a part of our identity , which is okay . Yet if you put it in a religious and more cultural conservative background , it becomes more or less everything you are , and if that everything you are is being threatened , it puts you like in a corner , like a scary , like a scary cat , ready , ready to lash out , right .

So so it's interesting that I always believe , when you feel truly bothered by something , someone says you should look inwards . You should look inwards , right .

And if you felt anger , like when you heard Chapel on the podcast , and you felt angry or disappointed or mad , whatever , if your first reaction to her comment was anger , really ask yourself , okay , what version of motherhood are you protecting ? Ask yourself who taught you that suffering in silence is a noble cause . Who taught you that motherhood equals martyrdom ?

And ask yourself who benefits from you believing that . Ask yourself what political interests are served by keeping mothers isolated and focused on personal rather than structural solutions . Ask yourself what part of yourself is still waiting for permission to say this is all fucking too much .

Because , babes , believe me , the real betrayal here isn't Rowan's honesty , it's the culture around it that makes honesty feel like treason .

So and with that I'm jen , your swiss sociologist and host of city growth podcast , a podcast for misfits , deep feelers and those don't pretending everything is fine I talk about care , culture , social change and the systems that shape us . If this resonates , I'm more than happy to welcome you again next week .

Love us , and just like that , we've reached the end of another journey together on the Cine Group podcast . Thank you for spending time with us , curious for more stories or in search of the resources mentioned in today's episode . Visit us at cinegrouppodcastcom for everything you need .

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It's crafted for those moments when you're seeking courage , yearning to trust your inner voice and eager to carve out a path authentically , unmistakably yours . Pick your scenic route affirmation today and let it support you . Excited about where your journey might lead , I certainly am .

Remember , the scenic route is not just about the destination , but the experiences , learnings and joy we discover along the way . Thank you for being here and I look forward to seeing you on the scenic route again .