Embrace Life's Transitions: Aligning with Change and Cultivating Growth with Jessica Eley

Jess , welcome back to the Scenic Route podcast .

I was voxing Jess or talking back and forth , and it kind of came up that like for us personally and as well for a lot of our clients , it's kind of like this very weird space and time right now of a lot of transitions happening and not an astrology person Nonetheless , I always like vox Jess , screenshots of my daily horoscope and see .

So I did some digging and did you know that a part of that , while we're all like feeling very weird right now , is that Ludo is now back into Aquarius for the first time in 248 years .

And then if we look at Ludo , like he's like dark and like metamorphosis , kind of like Kafka , in a Kafka way , like truth and power and peeling back layers , and let's see what's going on , I feel it's my like I don't know spirit planet or something .

And Aquarius , looking at like people , like it's really like a humanitarian collectiveness , larger scale social matter sign back with rebellion , rebellion , revolution and all those kind of things . We have also in the global scale so many dumpster fires at the moment .

So everything tangled up , and I mean not an astrologist , but I mean it's going on , what's going on ? So it should really fit .

But it is true that , at least for the microcosm of my experience and most of the people I am around their experience there is just a boatload of transition happening right now . Yes , and some of me wonders like to you know how much is of this is related to you .

Know , like , most of the people that I surround myself with are maybe , say , like , 34 to 44 or something like that . Right , which is a time of life where , like , maybe you're done having really little kids , or you're like finding yourself close to midlife and questioning a lot of choices .

You've kind of been to those and so like , is it Pluto or is it a midlife's crisis , or maybe it's both ?

So , yeah , maybe there it's , it's something to be said . And also I noticed , I've noticed this in myself . My kid is now four and a half and it's really like the first time where I'm like , oh , maybe I , I , this is me and I do with my life now , like where the role and the role , identity of mother isn't as like omnipresent anymore .

But I also feel like it's still an aftermath of COVID . Yes , right , like a lot of people had to , definitely had to change , I don't know business models no longer working , whatever , so our industry is closing down , so it's . It's kind of like a combination of all those things .

so like well , I guess I might as well do some serious introspection and hire somebody like Jess .

You can't pretend it's working or that the things that were valid were- .

Like I mean , from like a strategy point of view , blah , blah , blah . Like we all know what we can do .

But more interesting , though , is like how you hold yourself like energetically , like how you're not going to lose your shit , when everything you know that used to be working and you're still delivering the same quality and everything , but it's just , it's just not working anymore .

I mean , you can like sugarcoat it as much as you want , but yeah , it's not going to fly anymore . How do we hold ourselves ?

A lot of people who are like extremely skilled at what they did I've seen go back to jobs and be like incredibly happy because they do . They get to like that mental , they get to like really plug out a business Right , that mental load is taken away from running a business and so .

But there's a lot of questions of identity , I think , wrapped up in a transition . The more we hold on to seeing ourselves in a certain way , the harder it is to transition , right , because , by definition , you are moving from what was into what is becoming , and you cannot do that while maintaining that something that once was has to continue being .

And so , like , how comfortable are you with death , right ?

I always had a little girl , though yeah , it's not flattering , by the way but when I went through that , what I really realized was , like , the more comfortable I am with the idea of facets of myself being impermanent or things that once worked no longer working right .

Everybody's heard the idea of like , what got you here won't get you there , but it's also true that what is working right now will one day not work right .

We always think of it like retrospectively , but I think there's something really valid to be in this present moment and say like okay , right now I'm showing up like this kind of mom , right , which is maybe like not the newborn version of a mom .

Or right now I'm showing up like this kind of business owner or this kind of person , in whatever way we want to think of it , and that's not going to continue to be the highest and best expression of my life . For the rest of my life , that's just what's working right now . Right , and so , yes , how do we hold on ?

But I'm almost more interested in like , how do we let go and how are we okay with this idea of like okay , I once was this , this was once my right people to serve , I once really enjoyed this kind of thing . You know , pointing and dancing or reels once worked for me . That's not how I want to show up anymore . That kind of thing right .

And how do we allow ourselves to grieve and then move on from identities that we're serving us but maybe aren't where we're growing anymore ?

And it's also because I mean , to some extent , while because it was a good time and we're like we don't want to let it , or because we're getting more out of that past trauma than what is currently going on .

I am curious , like how , because most of us , especially when you're building , when you're on in the online business world , we do a lot of our lives like online , and I'm curious of the intersection between , like our personal identity versus our public identity in the sense of how how much shame like comes into it , like okay , I know this is no longer working ,

but hey , maybe I don't want to admit that this is no longer working because my pop , the public reception of my identity , could take a hit or could whatever . So what's , what's your take on my ramblings ?

There's people who Learn out loud really well , all right . So I have friends who like sharing the journey , and sharing the journey helps them continue on the journey and it helps them like find community in kind of the yucky , weird parts . It helps them also like galvanize the parts that stay consistent , right .

So I've had people tell me things like oh , I listened to something that I said Five years ago and I realized that those things are still true and I'm still saying the same things , and like all the advice that I was giving was still valid and and and and right .

And so for those people like being open , you know , to whatever degree makes sense for you is Is part of the process of transitioning .

I'll also say that like that can be an identity that you have , that you have this idea of like I'm the person who learns out loud and so you keep thinking that you need to do it , when in fact , maybe you're more like someone like myself who is probably gonna like all away for a big , you know , six months to a year , and that doesn't like that doesn't

mean there's anything wrong . Yeah , but I do better when I have come to some kind of conclusion . And it doesn't mean like here's the definitive answer . It means I went through a process and here's what I learned through the process .

Not like let me show you my process as I'm figuring it out , kind of thing , right and and so for somebody like me , I really have no interest in In bringing people along for the journey , in part because I don't really feel like it's a journey . It is kind of , but it's more like I'm just living right .

And what I am a very Be aware of is that right now I don't have like some Concrete or valuable expression of myself to share with you . Slash , it would not be valuable to me to share those things with you , right , it would just be a drain .

So I'm gonna go do me for a minute and when I feel that there's something of value , then I'll come back and tell you what's up , right , but until then I'm gonna keep being and figure out what the next expression of myself is that I actually want to share with people . But it's not like I stopped being .

Yeah , right , it's just , paul , doesn't make sense in life and you're like , right , no let me figure this out right , Right , but like that's the idea of like figuring it out right yeah . Yeah , it's not really a thing either .

And it's also kind of like how ready are you to to like to To die or to let parts of you , identities of you , die ? I mean , yeah , when we talk about dying , I mean it could be like when we look at dying and like the stages of grief yeah , what was her name ? Kubler Ross . Like denial , anger , bargaining , depression .

Acceptance like this is really something to like Follow true for transition as well . Right , why we ? Yes , yes . So like , first , absolutely yes , everything is still working , no , I'm fine . Like yeah , and then , holy fuck , why you're not buying my shit ? And then like , oh , please buy my shit . I'm adding in a freebie .

And then like the depression of like , actually , I'm realizing no one is actually buying my shit , what the fuck do I do with my life ? And then , yes , acceptance , it is what it is . Yes , yes , I know we cannot shortcut anything to acceptance . I wish I could . I would make a lot of money if I would have to shortcut .

But how can we like face rest , less resistance in moving through the different stages ?

Like feeling their negative feelings , right , negative in air quotes , yeah , again . Like it's all just life , right , so is grief , is anger my more favorite expressions and feelings ?

No , but like it's all just part of it , right , yeah , and the more that I can say Like , oh , I'm having a hard time with the fact that , like it doesn't feel good to be serving the people who I once served and like Can I let myself say that I've outgrown something or that there's , there's a part of me that wishes that I could just Say the same shit

over and over and be happy with it right , sidebar that my father-in-law said this to me once I think it was when I was running workshops for water , like eons ago , and he said something about how , like you know , all you could just like , basically , you rinse and I used to pee right over and over and like a very like corporate model , right , and at the

time I was like , oh my god , I would die , like that would be absolutely horrible , absolutely horrible .

Well , what is it that I'm doing now ? It's that right , because now I , but like I had to work up to that right now , like for the longer word .

But I don't need to make my money that way right , and I don't need my business to be as Regenerative as it once was , because now my life is more so that way right , which means that I can do things like Latter-in-tropied yeah , and just churn right yeah and I don't know .

And for me that looked like I had four small kids in the middle of a pandemic and no help and a husband who worked 80 hour weeks , and and so it was like no , I'm not , I'm not doing Shit in my business , that it is not Somehow filling me up . Why ?

Because I'm already giving to everything else and so the only way I am willing to make money is if the actions associated with even trying to make money make me more filled up , right , and as I get more capacity in Different ways , right Now I can borrow that capacity to a place like my business , right , and I can say , okay , well , now I'll make the

streamlined choice , now I'll make the choices that are more Smart in air quotes , because I can borrow that capacity from my life .

When , probably about a year ago , I sat down because I could tell I was like askings are changing , and I didn't just I don't just mean like Like the business , right , it was like also me , right , how I wanted to show up was changing and and I made this gigantic list of like Absolutely positively will , not , right .

And I was surprised by how many things that worked and that were actually key to , in my case , making my business work For years and years were now on the absolutely positively no fucking way List , right . And then there was a list of like well , what would I be willing to do ? And that was playful , like Okay , what could I try ?

And if it doesn't work out , whatever , it was a cool experiment , right . The whole . My favorite four questions what am I curious about ? What I'm interested in , what sounds fun and what sounds easy , right , and and Screw around and see what comes of it .

And my list of absolutely positively must have was like two things law Right , there's very , very , very few requirements , and I think that's almost why a transition is hard is because all we know in the transition is not this yeah , and we can tell you that we don't know much about what , we do what , and that's like that's when you have to start experimenting .

Yeah , and Often a transition happens because this someone has been doing that Deconditioning work and then they're kind of left standing around being like great , so if I don't want any of those things , then what the fuck do I want ? Right , and and that .

And that begins this cycle of like exploring for your own Understanding of , like , what it is that's really good for you , and so like , yes , there's definitely people who fall into your camp , and then there's people who are truly just figuring out , like , what does my actual self want ? Right , not the self that everybody else Kind of taught me to be .

Like what is there a telltale sign ? Can we spot it ? And then like how , let's go with that one first and then the alpha , yeah .

I want to get off of Instagram , like , okay , we can like keep going like this , right ? Um , you know , like I don't like my partner so much , I Want to go to therapy with him , right ? Whatever there's , is it a reaction ? So when , the when ?

An external and current stimuli external also meaning the thoughts in your head about what it is you are experiencing right now . So current situations are spurring the change that is almost always conditioned , unless you've just done a fuck ton of work , in which case you're probably not listening to us anyways , um , we're not .

Okay , so the actual , the desires that Could spur an entirely new life for you are More like what you were talking about , where people know they really want something , but , like they can't even get themselves to say it out loud . Or like what would everybody think about them wanting to sell the house and move , you know , to the middle of the pacific Ocean ?

Right , like ? What is it that you can't get yourself To acknowledge ? Because it's not rooted in your present reality , right ? So the other I mean the , the easy way to do this is just keep asking why , right , so , like I want to make X amount of dollars , okay , why ? Well , because I want to buy these things .

Or Simon's like , yes , but the point is that you're either going to if you ask why , say 20 times , you're either going to See that you're doing it because you're trying to avoid something that you don't want , which could just be like the judgment of my deceased grandmother . Right Doesn't have to make sense .

I don't want to Look inferior to random people onto the internet , whatever right doesn't have to be logical , mom , but there's something that we don't want , or you're gonna get so annoyed with asking yourself why over and over , because the actual answer is like cuz , I just do , I just want it , this is just what I want , okay .

And Then you know like okay , this is actually what comes next .

Right , like I mean , I'm a responsible mother , for example , I cannot move , sell our house and move into the middle of the fucking Pacific because , yeah , I also like to see myself as a responsible mother and I don't know , I drive Self-worth out of my mother-in-law seeing me as a set responsible mother , right , like , yes , yes , so how I ?

I mean when someone is earlier on in their stage . Right , when we still need to talk about building self-trust in yourself more and more and more and becoming more resilient in certain endeavors , and then ways of thinking , how do we navigate these ? Almost kind of like we're getting pulled into different directions .

So , understanding for yourself , what is my definition of that versus what is the one that I was told to believe ? Right , what are the facets of responsible parenting or adulting , or ? A lot of business owners want to , like , be smart or look like they're doing the right thing , right ? What are the aspects of that that you actually care about ?

That you actually agree with A lot of times , like , we haven't decided for ourselves . What is that look like ? If I'm going to show up that way and because , for instance , to your example , your mother-in-law has a different definition of what a responsible mother might say , oh yeah , she sure does , right , and that's fine , right ?

So then the question would be okay , how do I navigate the discomfort of my definition and her definition not being 100% aligned ? Right , there's probably some overlap , but how do I navigate that , my discomfort , my inability to own ?

Well , this is what , good enough , looks like to me , and I'm gonna let you feel uncomfortable with my good enough not being your definition of good enough , right ? How do I manage the consequences of that ? What happens if she calls me now three times a day and says I can't believe you took my grandson to the middle of the Pacific , right ?

What do we do if good analogies were not guaranteed ? Okay , I did not come onto the show . We say a good analogy guarantee .

If you are still feeling some kind of way right About some identity that you have , it's because you don't fully own it , you have not fully stepped into , like this is who I am , this is how I show up , this is what's important to me , this is what I care about , right ?

And any place where you're thrown off by somebody's line of questioning or you're thrown off by somebody's accusations or judgments or whatever that is showing you I am not fully confident in what it is I've decided to be or how it is that I've decided to show up , or what it is I have decided is important , right .

And I would encourage you at that point to go back and say what do I really care about and why ? Right ? And why am I maybe different from the things that I was conditioned to care about and why do I know that what I have decided is better for me right .

And when you have answers to those questions , when you know that what you are doing is actually what's best for you , it does not matter , like the Pope , the president , your favorite rabbi , whoever can come and ask you all kinds of questions about why you're doing what you're doing , and you're gonna be like because I am right and you won't be wavering that ,

yes , right . And then , just as rooted and grounded as you're gonna have to be in that identity in order to move forward , you have to have that knowledge in the back of your head that at some point you're gonna have to let go of it just as much as you stepped into it , right ?

And at some point , like Roundhog Day , being a responsible maul is not going to work , yeah , and you'll have to decide again like , okay , how do I show up now ?

. So you said , yeah , like we have to let it go . There's always a cycle where we have to let it go . How can we differentiate between letting go and giving up ? You know , I the okay . This is the podcast where Ches always just said why .

Or is it because this is no longer getting me where it is ? I want to go ? This is so again , like , is it rooted in what we don't want or is it rooted in what we do want ? When it's rooted in , I'm tired and I just don't wanna fight anymore . That's probably giving up . And here's the thing . I'm not saying to keep pushing .

When you're tired , I'm saying get to my place where you can say yes , where you can say what I want right now is to rest .

What I want is to deeply nourish my body and my brain and my spirit from like , giving and giving and giving and fighting and fighting and fighting , and I'm going to let myself rest and recover so that I can then focus on growth again . That is maybe letting go , right ?

Is your orientation towards what you do want , or is your orientation towards , here's , what I can't handle anymore ?

I can't just like decide that I'm going to check out of motherhood for six months because there's still too little for that Not that I'll probably ever be able to but or are we in like a grow phase ? Yeah , yeah , it's the thing , right ? If you would want to , you would have checked out right now . I could ?

Yes , right and a grow phase is like I can actively , I have the capacity right now to actively move forward , right ? So am I just like in maintenance mode and like , is it a time you'll find that battle now or yeah , maybe not Right ? And so like being aware of that in the present moment , like what do I actually have capacity for right now ?

We don't have capacity for everything all the time , and sometimes that changes by the half hour , right , and sometimes it changes over six months , right . What may have worked six months ago in your life or business may be completely irrelevant to this point .

And then you marry that with what am I stepping into and what does that stepping into require me to let go of ?

I don't know we should do a short game on how many times I said I'm curious .

And now this happened and they may or may not realize they're kind of like falling back into old patterns or old attachments , like sure , how , what are ? Are they like the biggest pitfalls ? Is there something like that that makes make people like fall back into old patterns and or old attachments ? And how can we I don't know can we see them coming ?

Can we prevent them ? Okay , I'll have them at this point . So that really , that's really what you're asking yeah , I'm an Enneagram 7 . So obviously I want to know how to walk the pain .

Um , but what I would say is you can't unlearn . There is no unlearning , right ? So you reach a new level of awareness , you have a new layer of understanding of what it is you want , yeah , okay , and then you never , kind of like , fall back to the old world . There's no , no , you can't . It's literally not possible .

But that's not unlearning . That is applying something that you learned earlier to a deeper level , that you weren't aware of at the time , right ? So , like we all have areas where it's easier for us to grow first , like I think of this .

Like the way that caterpillars move , you know , they kind of like they stick out their front and you don't do bugs and then , but then they like pick up their butt and it scrooches to catch up , right , and they're kind of bent in half and then they have to stick out the front again . There's always a leading edge that moves first .

They don't like walk like ants , right , where it's like all together , right , and . And so there's the piece of you that moves first that is easier to grow first , a place where it's easier to shed an identity first , right , where you don't have much attachment to how you're seen or how you're perceived .

And then you probably have that area of how you show up where it's just always lagging and like this is probably the thing you're always rehashing in therapy or with your , your coach or something yeah , it's going to be a fair life and yes , right , and that is the ass end of the caterpillar , that , just like the front end has gone , it has moved on , and

you just have to say , okay , like the rest of us is coming with now , right , but it's not like you don't know where you're going . The hardest time to make a transition is the first time , right , the hardest time to shed an identity is the first time , because we're stepping into something theoretically unknown .

Right , you've , you've let go of an identity , but you haven't fully stepped into the next one and the next time . So your bum is hanging around like the caterpillar . Yes , exactly .

And so the subsequent times when you see this come around , you can start to notice the patterns of like oh , every time that I wonder if I'm being smart in my business , it shows up like this , and actually what I just need to do is whatever the flip sounds fun , right , oh , I did this thing again around motherhood , or I wind up my partner about this again

. We had this fight again , right ? And every time it's actually about XYZ . And how quickly can I allow myself to be like , oh right , that's that thing that I used to do . That's not how I show up anymore , right ? And you have some basis then for making the transition , because you've already done it in some areas of your life . So it's not .

There is no going backwards , right ? Please insert my Instagram post of the spiral here , like there's no going backward .

Yeah , like , yes , Fuck , like it was just yeah , there was so much liberation that came with that and I'm like , oh , you , you got to , you got to have to experience this because this is great .

Yes , so that was one of the first times when I was like , oh , now I see , now I'm , I am lucky enough to experience the payoff of like mindset work , because this shit is working and it's hard and the I don't know the successes there they're not always so like tangible and palatable .

Yep , this is very cheesy , but I can I say now in the spirit of I got a goal , we got a goal . So , oh , dear Lord , I had a very nice segue . I had , I had , yeah , no , I had , I had better moments , but hey , I mean , their days were a surprise myself . And then they're other .

Where can people find you , jess , if they want to know more , we're definitely going to link the spiral Instagram post and we got to link your Instagram because you have a lot of other shitty mindset drawings , all courtesy of your own , I do . Where can people find you ?

And right now , honestly , I'm listening to a bunch of books on like homeschooling , unschooling , preschooling and things like OT , retain , primitive reflexes , like all this stuff . That is like the even lower , deeper level than mindset work to work on with my kids , but also like to catch in clients and be like maybe you should go see somebody about XYZ .