¶ Intro / Opening
Welcome and thank you for listening to the Sales Maven Show. I'm your host, Nikki Roush. I am your own personal sales maven here to offer you tips, strategies, and techniques to master your communication skills. Now, you might've noticed that's a little bit different than my standard opener where I talk about sales, and that's because today's topic is really for.
And so I got interested in NLP and I started studying it, thinking, oh, it's gonna help me in sales. And it turned out, it definitely helped me in sales. I. And it really improved my overall communication skills, which in turn improved many of the relationships in my life. And so it's kind of all of who I am Now, it shows up, like I don't a lot of times even think about this NLP strategy here, this NLP technique.
Of the work that they do. But they were sharing different techniques that they use, that they've learned from me over the years and how, you know, one was talking about how it shows up when she's having a conflict with her husband and somebody else had talked about how it shows up in just the way that she communicates with her family and with her friends.
or prospective clients even. So ultimately, all of these things help you grow your business and grow your relationships. So that's where we're going. Now, why is this even important when you think about why do I really need to think about likability and how this. You know, plays into my relationships. Well, you may have heard this term before, this saying, um, people buy from people they know, like, and trust.
So if you wanna increase your influence, you gotta learn how to increase your communication skills, therefore likability and how this, how this translates. So. , From an NLP standpoint, likability really isn't just a personality trait. It's something that enhances the way you show up in a conversation. It enhances what you say and of course, how you say it and how you leave people feeling.
However, if you will take a step back and say, I'm really going to embody this. I'm going to tar, start taking responsibility for. And say, the meaning of my communication is based on the response I get, so how people respond to me. Now you've got some control, which I don't know about you. I like a little control.
When I think about the things that I teach, it's always based on rapport. So I say, you know, uh. Relationship first. Rapport always. And that's the foundation. So if you're thinking about your likability, it does then say what actions are you taking to build rapport? So I have three tips to increase likability, and I'll talk about each one.
So she was going through my training center and going through these trainings and she's like, and this thing worked, but she said it like, it was so shocking, which I have to say delights me to no end when people are shocked by these things. So commit. That's my suggestion. And you get to, you get to take whatever action you want here, but if you'll commit to one of these and see what does it do for your likability and the relationships and the communication that you're having.
So I'll, I'll talk about, you know, the good and the bad here for all three of these. This idea of acknowledging people. If you are seeing somebody or meeting somebody for the first time, you know, show up from this place of delight. I. Because isn't it so great when you meet somebody for the first time and they seem delighted to meet you?
I will say that, uh, I had to learn this the hard way. Um, so I grew up in Idaho, Boise, Idaho. And when I grew up in Boise, Idaho, it was considered kind of a. Mm, medium sized town. It definitely wasn't a city. It's much, much bigger now. And now I would say it's a small city, but it was like a medium sized town growing up here and the people in Idaho, and especially kind of where I grew up, is that you didn't walk by somebody on the street or even in the grocery store and not make eye contact, and at least give them a, a nod or a smile, or even a hello now.
And I'd be like. No, they're like, well, why are you saying hi to me? And they were very confused by it. So I will say I had to tamp it down a little bit. And over the years, I got to the place where I didn't try to get to know my neighbors either when I lived there for, you know, 27 some years. Uh, I didn't go outta my way to get to know people in like from a neighborly standpoint, because it just didn't.
I recently came back from a conference and I was a speaker there, and when I came off stage, there was quite a few people who waited to speak to me. And you know, I'm not trying to like rush people through, so I wanna take my time, but I also know that people are standing there and they're waiting. So even though I'm talking to one person, I'm still making eye contact and smiling.
'cause I was just on stage, which. You know, you can have that attitude, but why? How does that serve you? How does that build any kind of rapport with the other person? So this is me showing a little bit of delight. Now, I am legitimately delighted. This isn't, there's no fakeness to this, this I'm like delighted that somebody would stay after and ask me questions.
So. I was standing there actually with somebody that I know who also wanted to talk to the speaker, and she never looked up from the person that she was talking to. She just stood there and talked to the one person, never looked around, and there was, there was probably, I don't know, maybe seven or 10 of us waiting to chat.
Turned out a couple hours later, we saw her standing off to the side. She wasn't presenting or anything, and she was having a conversation with somebody. So we went up and we stood there. We didn't interrupt, we waited and we waited. Then we waited some more and after waiting about 10 minutes with her, never having even acknowledged that we were standing there, and it's not like I was standing behind her.
They should still feel seen. Somebody commented recently I did this, um, this live, uh, coaching call and I invited people for my email list. So even if you weren't a paying client, there was an opportunity to come and be on this coaching call with me and ask me a question. And it was a way for, you know, people who would.
Would you say your name for me so that I can learn it? That is a way to acknowledge somebody. 'cause names matter. Let people know you see them and that you care about them. So that's my first tip of like increasing likability. It was so great to get some feedback from, one of my clients that was on the call sending me private messages of like, I, I really appreciate Nikki, how you do that.
I, I really like this, this lady, I'm interested in her and I'm interested in knowing her a little bit more. And so sometimes they show up like, oh, I'm so happy to talk to you. Which of course, believe me, I feel just as happy if not more, to talk to you and that you even wanna talk to me like. I never wanna send the message of like, I'm too big for someone else.
It takes you showing a little bit of delight in having this time with somebody. And it takes you being willing to learn their name and say their name properly, no matter how hard of a name it is to say, you know, um. One of the biggest companies that I ever worked for was a Japanese company. And so a lot of the, the kind of higher ups, but also like people that would come in, um, to our group and, you know, have supporting roles came from Japan and they would always give them like an American name, which is fine if that's what their preferred was, but to me it was always like.
And I always say like your rate of speech is on a spectrum, right? Like where, where you fall on the spectrum. So imagine like somebody who's a really slow talker, you know, on a spectrum of like zero to 10 is probably down in the three. When they speak slow, they have a thought, they think about it, and then they say it right?
As a matter of fact, you only match in mirror about 50 to 60%. So if they're at a three and you're at a eight, you really only have to get down to like. A five or a five and a half, just slow down a little bit and what will happen oftentimes when you show that you're willing to adjust to the other person, they will then make some adjustments and you guys will find some middle ground in the conversation.
There's a really good chance that that connection, if you really like break it down into what are those things that are appealing to you and like bringing that likability rate of speech is probably one of them. And so this is a really easy way to increase your likability, to show some flexibility in your approach, to put the other person at ease and.
We step on your thoughts, we step on the things you're gonna say, and that is a huge rapport breaker. So be willing to adjust your style to the other person and see what happens. Chances are, they'll be more likely to wanna be in conversation with you. They'll be more. Interested in hearing what you have to say.
We have so many things in common that person's smart. Don't. We like to be around smart people because we know we're smart people, right? We like to be around smart people. We like to be around people who are like us, so be willing to make some adjustments. And again, this isn't about being fake. It's about adjusting to the other person to make it more comfortable for them.
And the reason I love this one so much is because you can use it when you are. On a phone call with somebody, you can use it on Zoom and you can definitely use it in person with somebody. You can match somebody's rate of speech and I always recommend if you don't know what your rate of speech is, if you're not sure, like I don't know where I fall on the spectrum, go listen to your voicemail.
Um. And this guy was from the East coast, so he is a very fast talker. And he got on a call with somebody that was from the south, had a little bit of a drawl, you know, a little bit of a slower pace. And he said normally he would've just like barreled through and like been, you know, just this is me, take it or leave it.
And he was like, this rate of speech thing, it works. And I have many of those, my, my own stories too, but I just, I'll never forget that story of, I was almost gonna say his name, but I won't say his name. I'll just call him Jay. So, I almost wanted like, it was like, oh man, this works and it's so impactful and it makes such a difference.
It is. It's learning how to ask questions. Instead of just make statements to people, ask questions, this increases your likability because it allows for the other person in the conversation to be the expert, to have the stage, you know, for the sun to shine on them. You don't always have to be the person who's on stage dancing around and like trying to get all of the attention in the conversation or in the relationship.
Then the person feels like, I feel like I'm being judged now. I might not wanna share that. Or I might feel like that's too pointed. But when you say like, what was that like with curiosity? People are gonna be Oh, ready to like, dive in and tell you. I was listening to a podcast I listen to every, actually I listen to it twice a week 'cause they have two episodes.
Now, this is how the interviewer, like this is, this is her style, right? This is who she is. She's made a ton of money. She's built a very amazing business, and she's very well known in her field and, and what she's done. She's very accomplished, right? All these things, and all I could think about was, man, if she would just adjust her style a little bit for this particular person.
And I just kept thinking like, oh man. If she would just change her questions a little bit and say like, would you be willing to share about that? Or would you be willing to say a little bit more? Or would you, but you know, would you, would you share with the audience a little bit more like the, would you would've gone so much further than the like, tell me this, say this.
Or, what has been your biggest takeaway from this time that we spent together? Like, just ask questions. Let the other person participate in the conversation. You will find that people are like, I don't know, but it's just so easy to be around you. 'cause they're getting too. Share, it's not comfortable to go and have lunch with a friend and leave and feel like they didn't ask me one question or they didn't really like, did I even need to be there for that?
And she had started asking me, about what the last couple years had been like, and, asking me about my job. And, you know, she was just asking me all these questions and I was just answering, answering, answering, answering. And then she said, and a little bit of a soft voice. And I'll never forget this, and I actually teach this question now.
And I say, well, here's a question. And I remember it from this friend of mine who asked me, and again, I felt a little, I still, I feel a little ashamed sharing this story with you now. Like I feel a little ashamed of myself. But it was, it was a great lesson, right, to remember like, I shouldn't just be talking about myself the whole time.
And that response let me know, like, oh, check yourself. What's the saying? Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Like, oh, I gotta do better. So I try to do better. And if you found yourself in those, those situations, like try to do better. And if you find yourself in a situation where you feel like the other person is just talking about themselves the whole time, you might ask this question.
It's. Very one-sided, and it's kind of like I'm second fiddle, I don't matter. That's how it feels, right? And I don't wanna leave people feeling that way, and I suspect you don't either. So ask questions, and then when you ask the question, be willing to zip it and listen. It's hard to not like wanna share your experience and your story when you ask somebody a question, but let them share theirs first, at least.
To leave them feeling really good about it? One of the ways that I do this is I show up from a place of real gratitude and thank them sometimes probably profusely. Thank them for their time. Thank you for their, you know the attention. Thank you for the relationship that we have. Thank you for the friendship we have.
Uh, I lost this person very young and. The last couple times that I saw the person, they were so busy and they were like running to like go to work and I was coming home from school and um, didn't really feel like I ever got to tell this person. Oh boy, this brings up some emotion. How much this person meant to me, how important they were in my life, the impact that they made.
See what happens. Again, you leave people feeling good about their interaction with you, they're much more likely to wanna have another interaction with you. So these are four, technically four ways to increase your likability. Calling on my NLP experience, and it isn't about being manipulative. I wanna be really clear about this.
So now here's my question for you. What's the one strategy that we talked about, whether it's. The acknowledging people in some way, whether it's the matching and mirroring and your rate of speech, whether it's the questions that you're gonna ask or how you're gonna leave the conversation, what's the one thing that you will do now that you've made it to the end of this episode?
Although I do wanna. Put this around this, please do not share it with somebody and say, you could really use these communication skills because that is not a rapport builder. If you wanna share it with somebody, even if you think they could use some of these and they would benefit from them because they're lacking them, my suggestion is to share this in a way and say, I listened to this podcast episode and here's what I got out of it.