Buggin' Out

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ah, there you are, traveler. Come inside, hang up your coat. Put your feet by the fire, and I shall bring you what you so desperately seek. Rude tales of magic. Previously on Rude Tales of Magic, the group journeyed to the soaking valley, deep in the heart of the teenage woods. They were there hunting down Albie's parents, who had disappeared, but...

were suspected to be involved somehow with a local crime lord by the name of Scrum Fabulous. Unfortunately, Frederick the Bonesby and Cordelia got themselves arrested, and so the rest of the group... had to hunt them down and get themselves arrested so that they could break them out of jail. We iris up on Albie, Bello, and Little Stir Fry as their lead-

handcuffed and shackled by a prison guard through the basement level of the prison to their cells. Good, yeah, that's what we want. Take us to Cordelia. Oh, excuse me? Oh, sorry. Cordelia is my Sasquatch friend. I'm Ellie. Cordelia is the name of the world we live in. Oh, yeah. You're already in Cordelia. See, you know, it's... What are you, not from Cordelia? No, I'm from here. It's just funny. Are you from one of our 19 moons?

Wow, I always forget that detail. Yeah, we got 19 moons. And let's recite their names. No, let's not. Albie, Albie. No, that's Albie. I'll be doing the prompts here. I'm Albie. You're Albie? Yeah. All right. Take us to my friend Cordelia. No, you don't get to make any demands of me. But I have my hands in the air. Yeah, good, because you're under arrest. Here's a question. No!

Here's a nothing! You're under arrest! I think I'm entitled to one question. Alright, fine. Ask your question. Did you recently arrest a Sasquatch? I didn't. Did your police force? Oh, it's not my police force. God, I wish it was my police force. What would you do differently? Oh boy, I'd change a few things here. Oh, I agree. I can tell if you were in charge, you would do things your way. A way that this world needs. In fact...

I'm surprised you don't go up to your boss right now and say, hey, give me a chance to do things my way. I'm not. That's a good way to get your tongue cut off. Whoa. Yeah. If a man of the law starts fearing for their tongue, they're not doing a very good job, are they? What does that mean? I think... No, unpack what you just said! I think if you're afraid of what can happen to your body just because you don't believe in yourself, well, that's quite the shame.

Wait a second. What do you guys know about the Sasquatch that got arrested? She's my best friend. Oh, you shouldn't have said that. But it would have been a lie to say otherwise. Yeah, just lie to me. Oh, um... I lie all the time. I'm a cop. What? It's too late now. I already told you. And I wouldn't want to deny it anyway. Cordelia's my best friend and I'm here to rescue her. Alright, well then you're all under arrest. You said that!

Five minutes ago. Yeah, well, and then you guys asked your questions. I got a little distracted. Now let's go. I'm going to take you up to the jail cells. I cast Thaumaturgy. Give it a try. I do. You don't.

Well, this is me out of character saying. Right, this is me in character saying you don't. This is me out of character also saying you don't. Because there's magic dampening in the jail. Oh! So you can give it, I mean, go for it. Give it a try. What are you trying to do? I'm trying to make the ground tremble.

Yeah, I could tell you tried something there, didn't you? No. Yeah, all right, well, fair enough. Come with me, then. The lot of you are getting arrested. I got a jail cell for each of yous. What's our crime? What? I don't fucking care. It doesn't matter. You broke into jail. How's that? Let's go. Follow me. Walk this way through the bottom of the jail. Dance, dance, dance till you die. Dance till you dance till you die.

All right, that's enough. I'm sorry. When you give me a rhythm, I go all out. I understand. I'm the same way myself. Really? Tell me about that. I just love the rhythms. Oh, yeah? The rhythms, they drive me wild. What's your name? Excuse me? What's your name? Uh, uh, Kimryn. Kimryn? Kimryn. Kimryn.

Let's make a little deal. No, I don't want to make... You have nothing to offer me. What about a rhythm? No, I can get a rhythm on my own time. What if it's a rhythm you've never heard before? I doubt that very much. Check this out. Okay, I'll give you this. That was a rhythm I've never heard before. And I'll be honest, that's a rhythm I know I'll never hear again. So just for that, I'll give you the biggest jail cell. A big comfy one. There you go. All right.

Walk in, and we're walking. As he walks you through the bottom, and you walk by an open door that says bedroom over the top of it. Does anyone want to make an investigation check? Yeah. 18. Great. Yeah, let's do that one. Door was wide open. You just had to beat a two. Oh, I had a five. Yeah, you guys are all fine. You see an enormous bed.

That's just full of cops. All the cops sleep in that bed. Their little feet are sticking out and a lot of them have nightcaps on. Looks like most of the cops are actually just tuckered. They're out cold. Yeah, that's me, brothers. Oh, are you all related? I come from a very big family, too. Yeah? We're not actually, like, related by blood. We're related by cop. So are you the night cop? Yeah, I'm the night cop. It's such a shame to think about it. Even law and order...

undervalues their most trusted employees, puts them in the night position when they deserve to be... Oh, somebody's got to work the night position. So when you're in the night position, does that mean you're on story duty? Do you tuck everybody in? Oh, yeah, read them a little story. Give him a cup of water. I'm looking for Cordelia right now. Oh, you're not going to find her. He leads you up a spiral wooden staircase. All right, you guys are going to be... Just follow me lead, okay? Okay.

Are you sneaking us into the jail? Honestly, a little bit, yeah. Just, like, follow my lead. Okay. I'm not kidding. No sudden movements or you're going to get killed. Okay. Okay. He... He walks you up, and there's a hatch at the top of the staircase. He pushes it open with a creak. You find yourself in a long, dark room at the end of the room. you see an enormous sphinx, which has a massive collar. It's like chained to the floor.

And this is, like, boat chain. This is, like, the chain they use for, like, cruise ships. Like, there's a huge chain. What's the chain they pulled the dragon out of the water in with Game of Thrones? That chain that came out of nowhere. It's this. It came out of here. This is where they got that chain. This is, there is a Sphinx chain, just chain to the ground.

She has a woman's face. It's a sphinx. You know what a sphinx looks like. Lion's body, woman's face, eagle's wings. She's beautiful. She's way bigger than any of those things, though. She looks like she's about 20 feet long. Uh, and she, she looks at you completely emotionlessly. And the, the, uh, Kimron, uh, he's like, alright, follow me, Lee. This is, uh, illegal Rinbeka.

Her name? Yeah. No sudden movements, alright? Okay. She's gorgeous. Yeah, she's pretty easy on the eyes, right? Oh, gorgeous, absolutely. Can she understand what you're saying? Yeah, she can hear everything we're saying. So be real polite while we whisper. Or you can do it at a normal volume, too, because she can hear that, too. Oh, you said, like, no, be careful. Yeah, be careful. Okay. Just say, don't say anything mean about her. Uh, why is she locked up?

For a crime committed long before any living cop in the soaking valley was born. Oh, maybe then she should be let go. She's a prisoner? Yeah, she's a prisoner. She committed a crime! What crime, though? Well, I don't know. When I got here, they said she had committed a crime. Probably the crime of being a sphinx. That's not a crime. That's terrible. Oh, you think it's legal to be a sphinx? Yeah.

Where? In what rule book? You know how the rules of Soaking Valley work? Every living thing has a right to exist. Whoa. That's a loaded statement. It's actually not. No, it is.

That's to me and my belief system. So you're infringing on my belief system. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think we should be- And you, if you're laughing at that, you're infringing on my belief system. Wait, wait. It's just an insane belief system. What? It's not an insane. Not everything is allowed to be alive. Sorry. That doesn't make sense. You just told-

that we shouldn't make any sudden motions and you're being- I can do whatever I want! You guys don't make any sudden movements. I know how this works. You have to approach her. You gotta kneel. No, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you know, get down on the ground. Everyone kneel behind me.

Okay. Okay. Alright, she's gonna ask a riddle. Oh, I'm so bad at these. Is the answer man? Okay. Ah, Jesus. Yes, but you gotta act like you had to work on it, okay? Okay, okay. Sturf! This is what I'm talking about! When I say no sudden movement, when I say follow my lead, I mean don't guess the answer to a riddle. You're gonna embarrass her. It's a sphinx to famous riddle. It's a bad riddle, too. Oh, boy! What?

She's huge. She's like stirring uneasily. Okay, okay. Actually, stir fry. I'm going to have you roll a charisma check. Four plus two. So six. Okay. The... The Sphinx looks at you, Stir Fry, and then she looks at Cameron. The bird displeases me. He displeases a lot of us. Stir Fry, just bow and apologize. Well, let me just try to say quickly. If I have brought you any displeasure in my gravest apologies, I...

am quite worked up by being put in jail, but I will admit that I've talking out of my tongue. And to you, I say, I'm sorry. And you look positively gorgeous this morning. Do you not like to be imprisoned? Not a fan of the imprisonment, my friend. And you blame me? No, I do not. I don't blame you. Albie is sweating. She looks right at stir fry. What? walks on four legs in the morning. On two legs in the middle of the day. That's rather strange. And on three legs in

The evening. Well, let me think about that real quick. I mean, my first thought is frogs, but that doesn't make any sense. It's your answer, frogs! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

You know, when I think about it... I have heard frogs, Manita! Is that the answer? No, no, no! Here's my answer, and I'm just a spitballer here. You know, when I think about it... Man, there's a strange thing. In the morning of their life, they crawl on all fours. One, two, three, four. And in the afternoon of their life, they walk two legs like a man, as I walk now with my little birdie feet.

Yet in the evening of their life, their old age, they often use a cane. So, I suggest in this very difficult reel, I just shot in the dark. It might be mine! You have answered wisely. It is... Man. Oh boy. For in the morning, they crawl as a toddler. That's right. In the afternoon, they walk confidently on two legs. Exactly. And in the evening... They got that cane, baby.

Use a cane. Yep, they got that cane. I really thought it was frogs. Well, had you answered, you would have been consumed. You may pass. All of us? All of you. Oh, thank you. Thank you, illegal Rebecca. I like her. You are welcome. You're beautiful. Thank you. I like her. Are you calling dibs? Do you want dibs? What is it, a dibs? It's a term of affection. Yeah. What does it mean, dibs? It means that he respects and admires you. Thank you, Abby.

Respects me. Yes. As you would a parent or an elder. No. Yes, yes. Let's go with that. I mean, that works with what I'm saying, to be perfectly honest. Like a daddy or a mommy. Yes, like a daddy or a mommy. A daddy or a mommy. I am a mommy to you. Yes. Yeah, you are. Interesting. I will reflect on it. This dibs. Yeah. Okay. Good. When I call a thing dibs, I am calling it a mommy? Wow. It depends if it's a...

Yes. My own mother, who flew away to live in the sun. Is she a Dibs? No. You could call Dibs on her. I could call Dibs on my mother. Albie! The... Bellow. Albie.

Yes. The tiefling has offended. I am confused and growing irritated. We should leave you with many... You speak freely of dibs in front of me and you will not give me a straight answer. Well... He has a crush on you! What is it, a crush? He's attracted to you. He wants to destroy me. No, he's attracted to you. Attracted to me. He wishes to mate with me. Yes!

I'm sorry, but it's obvious now. I will reflect on this situation. Go now. Thank you, thank you. I bow many times and I leave. Battle bows. I bow. Very low wait bird yes before yes, I had a bad opinion yes, and then you answered wisely yes, and I had a good opinion yes, and Then I learned he wished to mate with me Yes. Go now. Good luck with mating. But I warn you, do not mate with a sphinx. Okay. I appreciate the others do. I hear a firm no and I accept it. This is a firm no. Okay. Well.

I hope and I don't mean that I would like to be friends. I'm going to take friendship. I'm going to take friendship. I'm taking friendship from the table.

Boy, it got real dicey back there. You guys didn't listen to what I said at all. I tried. Yeah, you did. It was the bird. You didn't, you just blew through what I had told you. Yeah, yes, well, you know, he did a good job of pretending to not know the answer to the...

riddle he did once he had revealed he already knew the answer to the riddle yeah you're right you guys are up out of earshot of the sphinx now you're walking up the spiral staircase she's incredible i thought you had a shot with her

I mean, I thought maybe I did, but I don't know. She doesn't even, she said she doesn't like me. She said she doesn't like me, so I know she doesn't like me. It was a firm no. It was a firm no. She's a dangerous creature, too. We hear her talking all night about how she hates the police and she...

Well, you've imprisoned her for life times. Well, yeah, she's sworn revenge on us. I bet. Yeah, she has a right to. She said if she ever breaks free from the chains, every cop in the soaking valley is as good as dead. Yeah, and you know what? She'd... You know, she'd be entitled to. Well, I don't like your town. Here we are! He opens the door. Welcome to the main floor of prison. We are above the street level now.

You guys are in jail. Just right this way. We got a jail cell for each of you. Let's see. You there. You there, the... Were you a tiefling? Yeah. Okay. Fine with me. You're going to get in this jail cell right here. He opens the jail cell up. In would you? Does he have a good view? He's got a good view of the jail cell across the hallway from it.

Not really like a picking situation, just like get in there. Okay, alright. Alright, just gonna close the door here. Nice to meet you. It was normal to meet you. I have had better, I've had worse. Alright then, you there, the little, what are you? A fawn. A fawn? Was that like a deer? Sure. Oh, I'm trying to be... Give me the right term. I'm a fawn, I...

Yes, I'm deer-like, but I am also humanoid. Okay, cool. What are you? I'm a man. Yeah, okay. I'm a person. Yep. That's what I thought. Bello opens the door to his cell. What the fuck? You shouldn't be able to do that! Oh, well, actually, I'm glad you did it now while I was watching so I can close the door and lock the door. The door is canonically locked. All right, you there, the phone. This jail cell is for you. Thank you.

You know, try not to mind the smell, but we hit a goddallion here. Why are you giving this one to me? Because it's the next one, and I promised the big one to the bird. Feels very rude. I sit on my bench miserably. Okay, great. And I'm gonna close the door and I learned me lesson from the last time. I'm gonna lock the door this time. That's two locked doors that you cannot just walk out of. Alright, door is locked. And now you bed.

As promised, he is the biggest jail cell in the whole place. It appears to be exactly the same dimensions as the other, but, like, just from him saying it, maybe there's a sense that this place is a little bigger. Pretty good, right? It's...

Thank you very much. I've often said, if I was going to get arrested, this is the one I'd want to get thrown into. Yes, you're right, and I appreciate that. Thank you for allowing me into such a gracious... You've been such a gracious host. Thank you so much. This whole time, you know...

I think I like you. I think you're a good man. You try your best. It's just a shame the situation we're in, isn't it? What do you mean? Just a shame that you have to lock us up for really no good reason at all. Well, you broke into jail. Mmm, yes. Oh, so yeah, we got a quota for the jail cell. If we don't have enough people in here, it's like, why do we even have a jail, you know? Right. What if we get you some more people? What do you mean? We haven't done that much wrong, so...

Becoming in front of you, break in. What's break in? You trying to do a deal with me? Yes. Roll a charisma check. 19. Oh, Jesus. Shouldn't have asked for that. All right. Okay, well, yeah, I'm listening. What do you want? So we came in here because we wanted to see our friends. We missed them so much. And they would be so helpful in helping us find some people to replace. And these could be some bad people. Look at us. We know some bad people who would really help prevent crime in the street.

Oh, no, no, no, we don't want that. We don't want to prevent crime. Because if we prevent crime, then people will be like, why are there so many cops here? And we're out of a job. Of course. That's where you lost me. Of course, you're right. Thank you for saying so. We'll just get some nasty people who won't do anything at all. And us, then we'll cause more crime. the streets for you. You cause more crime. So you admit it, you're a criminal! No.

You do. You just said it. You said you're going to cause crime. You have an intent to cause crime. Not only to make it here. I'm going to make bread off of this one. This is good. In you go. He slams the door and locks it behind you. Oh. Boy, you would have had me for a natural 20. Oh, but you didn't do it, did you? Okay, that's a mechanic I, as a character, shouldn't be aware of.

So there you go. If you need anything, that is just too bad. I cannot help you. You're in jail. Now, for me to walk, I'm going to now walk downstairs, answer the man riddle again, and go see my friends. We're all asleep in a big bed. Every time you pass that Sphinx, do you have to answer the same riddle and pretend you're thinking about it? You really do. Do you have any different answers? One guy tried it, he got eaten. Really? Yeah. He said, uh, a fucked up creature.

Which would be correct, you know. Technically, yeah. Yeah, but she doesn't do technicality. She wants to hear man and only man, and you get eaten if otherwise. It just doesn't make sense. It's not the morning. It's a morning of life. It's a metaphor. It's a metaphor. But who says morning of life? That sphinx down there does. Okay. Illegal Rinbeca. All right, so off you go. You're in jail.

Oh, hey, Albie. Oh, my gosh. Hi. Hey, what are you looking at there? Oh, I was just looking at the Rude Tales of Magic Discord. The what? The Rude Tales of Magic Discord. Do you not know about this? What? Is that like some kind of like... Chat room for like Root Tales fans? Yeah, yeah. If you're a subscriber to the Patreon. Subscriber to the Patreon what? Okay, so there's this thing called Patreon. You pledge a certain dollar. amount every month. And it's like $500 a month. No.

No, it's like there are different levels. Okay. So, you know, there's like a $5 level. Whoa, that's way less than $500 a month. Yeah, and then there's like a really cool level called Elf Lords. Uh-huh, uh-huh. There's, like, a lot of really cool stuff. There's more? Yeah. What? No, that seems like too good a deal. Did you, like, go for a run or something? You're, like, just unusually. You have, like, a glisten. Oh, no, I was just, like, walking through a fountain.

Oh, wow. Sorry, I got really distracted. There's like art, you know, like pieces of art. Not that you remind me of art or anything. It's just that there is art on the Patreon.

Sometimes you're in it, actually. There's Art of Me? And it's beautiful. Wow, so you get the Discord, you get access to all this beautiful Art of Me? Wow, that's... two amazing things I can't believe there would be like a whole extra podcast or something yeah there's like there's actually two so there's what rude talks of chatting which is um you know that's every week about every episode the whole cast in and

crew like talks about it but then there's also a special elf lords only show that i can't even listen to um which sucks because maybe they're talking about me or like you or like us not us like in a weird way just talking um Anyway, yeah, Patreon. It's really cool. You should try it if you think it's cool. I'm sorry. It's just I've never seen you so... Do you feel hot?

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To Frederick DeBonesby, who, might I remind you, loyal listeners, is a stark naked skeleton at this moment. You remember the early Disney cartoon where they come out of the graves and dance? That's Frederick right now, baby. He is alone. And nude. In jail. You just walked out of your prison cell. The day is yours, Frederick. Yes. I'm sneaking down the hallway.

Yeah, it's like xylophone music scores all of your actions here. And he's not aware of it. I think Frederick would, his feelings would be hurt by this music cue. Like, what is this? No, no, no, no, no. A simple xylophone? Yeah, that's the instrument of a peasant for orchestra. You see there's sort of a gentle curve to the hallway where you were locked up and you as you walk.

Down, you know that Cordelia, if you just follow this hallway, you do know that it leads to Cordelia. Yes, and I've been tasked by the demon cheddar to rescue her. So I must try. All right, so I'm going to roll an investigation. 18. Not only can you tell the shape, there is a gentle curve to the hallway, you can tell from the curve that the style of this jail, this is a jail...

architecture style that you're familiar with. It is built in a complete circle to make escape difficult. And all of the jail cells on either side of the hallway face either in or out. That's basically, that's the shape of this place. It is dingy. It is wet. It is dark. There are a few windows scattered throughout on some of the out. outside of the circle jail cells, but light is pretty scarce in this place. And you can see up a jail cell up...

two places on your left. Something seems to be sort of moving around in one of the jail cells. It looks like somebody who is like in a bad way is sort of like lying down in their jail cell. And the left is the exterior? That's where the windows are? Yes, the left is the exterior, the right is the interior. So I'm currently moving clockwise. Yes, you are. All right, great. Okay, so I see this moving figure and I...

creep up to investigate that further. Okay, great. What you see before you, I'll let this just like roll into that investigation check. You see what appears to be a dead body on the ground. The shape of it is... It looks as if it has just been emptied out. It's almost just like a sort of moving, pulsating sack of skin on the ground. Yeah. A moving, pulsating sack of skin. Nearly dead.

Well, not what I'm looking for. As you say that, its hand sort of starts to move up. Its movements are random and labored. There's something like lumpy about the way that it moves, and its arm just sort of effortlessly slithers right through the bars, which should be too narrow for that to do. And it just sort of, the fingers, it's... It's cold and the sensation is deeply unpleasant as it sort of wraps around your ankle. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you.

Thank you! Another hand sort of starts to... Not buying! Not buying! Another hand starts moving forward! No, we're dodging! Yeah, go for it! Give me a dodge. 14? Okay, yeah, my AC is 11, so I did not dodge it. Okay. If it's like really going for a slappy and trying to grab. It's not trying to hurt you. It's just trying to grab you and sort of wrap.

Oh, yeah. The fingers, it's almost like there's, the fingers are just there. This thing moves like one of those car dealership balloons almost. Oh, yeah. It starts to sort of... grasp at you and the hands move up and it sort of pulls itself up by your legs. And as it does this, its head sort of flaps up.

and you see completely empty eye sockets and mouth, and there are just lice, just thousands of lice pouring out of its eye sockets and mouth. This is a... human sack of skin full of lice that are sort of, like, animating it, and it looks up at you, and it says to you, WANT! Pardon? It clears its throat. It's like... My bones? Too bad. They're in use.

Release me. I'd say let's just both roll 20s and add strength modifiers, and whoever gets higher has grappled successfully. All right, I rolled a four. Oh, it beats you. So, this thing, it starts to, uh, its hands just sort of move up. You can tell now what's happening, which is that lice are just propelling, hundreds of thousands of lice are just propelling its hands up.

towards you. Its elbow starts to lead, actually. One of the hands falls behind, and it is just skin propelled by lice that are... crawling up you the lice begin to break free from the skin out of cuts and holes out of the eye holes the lice are crawling all around you and uh the skin sort of begins to uh Yo, it's a fucked up thing that's happening. The skin begins to wrap itself around you like a boa constrictor around a guy. It begins to completely consume you, and you can...

As you look at it, you can see it's almost like it seems like there's teams of hundreds of lice moving its vocal cords to say, Watch bones. Oh, no. Maybe I give you a pinky and Come back later. Hand. The whole hand. It starts like, just at pinky, at the word pinky, it's like, you know, its eyes can't light up, obviously, but you get the sense that...

Hundreds of thousands of tiny little eyes just lit up at that, and they start moving for your... Is he a southpaw? No, he's right-handed. Okay, good for him, because they're going for his left hand right now. Oh, okay. And they start moving...

towards the hand and you start to feel uh it's gentle at first it's a gentle pull and it becomes more and more insistent as it starts to pull on your wrist sure well if if he senses that this is like you know he's still struggling so yeah if it if happens to be getting weaker at the wrist. I guess that's the best we can do. You want to pull back? Yeah, we're getting out of there. Cool. You do it. You pull. Actually, let's have a roll here. Eight. You beat it.

I mean, it's excited about the hand here. So you pull, and with a pop, this hurts. This feels like losing a hand to you. You know you're a skeleton. Sure. As if your nerve endings and muscles and tendons were still attached here. Your left hand pops off and is pulled into this thing. This is the worst day of my life. You can see they sort of start to pick apart the bones in the hand.

of the hand, and each bone is sort of sent to a different place. The bones start to move up into the face, and they use the bones to animate the face. uh, a little bit. They have like, they have cheekbones so it can now like use its mouth a little bit and they have bones sort of like animating its eyebrows. Um, the worst fucking thing you've ever seen in your life is in front of you. And it's a real shame that the listener can't see.

what you are doing with just me in the room to show me this horrific thing. This feels like I'm hurting our actual out-of-the-show friendship by doing this to you. Yeah, this is... I can see the... The way that you're animating this with your fingers over your face...

I could really see it. Audio is a wonderful medium, but for this particular moment, it's not the ideal. But we have... Oh, fan art's going to go nuts. We see two of your finger bones sort of start to animate its eyebrows in a strange way, and it looks... angry at you as it says. You have pulled away, though. Yeah, no, we're getting the...

Getting out of there. Yeah, run. Go for it. It's going to pursue, though. Okay, great. Okay, cool. So now we find ourselves. You're in the hallway. You're being chased. You're being chased by this one. Stealth has been forgotten at the moment. I would say so. And you notice up about... I'd say up about...

10 or 15 yards on your left, you see a cell which looks to be inhabited and looks like it's Cordelia's cell. Oh, what makes it look like it's Cordelia's cell to me? You can see that there is, you can see the back of a cop. in this jail cell, and it seems to be, you can see something, there's some sort of, something is hooked up in this cell. Can you actually roll just an intelligence check?

17? You can definitely tell. A healing potion IV bag has been set up in this jail cell. You can see enough of that. And you can see sort of a hairy, large silhouette of something. Educated guess. It looks to be Cordelia Sell. You can go for it. You can not go for it. You don't have to believe me when I say that, though.

Well, it sounds like you're describing my own judgment, so I'll trust that. Sorry. I didn't mean to do that to you. No, no, no. All right. So take a quick look back and see if the lies are pursuing me. They are. They're not moving quickly. They don't have a skeleton necessarily, but the bones, it's sort of, they're using bones in different ways now. The bones are now being sent down, these hand bones are being sent down to the feet to animate those to sort of help it amble forward.

I'm using those much more resourcefully than I ever did. All right, I'm taking a look at the cop. Basically, I'm planning to use these lice as my only available weapon at the moment, knowing that there's a cop in there. All right. Okay, I'm just kind of doing the math. on like...

how I can use myself as this, like, sort of intermediary bait to, like, kind of guide it without getting snatched up myself. And, like, also, like, running around, like, oh, it says it prefers bones, but that's meat. But I'm going to have to just assume that maybe if it gets a taste of the meat, it's going to be better than the bones.

really running the math in the situation. I'm going to put just a little bit of a ticking clock on this, just to see the actual experience here. As this is all going through your head, you also see, turning the corner, a cop you don't recognize, sort of a guard. He's just sort of swinging a... a parakeet. He's whistling a jaunty tune to himself. All right. I immediately dropped down as though I'm the bones of a forgotten prisoner.

Hell yeah. Cool. Yeah, this cop starts to walk by. I'm going to have you do a stealth check. But I'm going to let you, because that's really smart, I'm going to let you roll with advantage. Alright, well I got like a 13. You look like a pile of bones. This cop is walking by and...

His eye goes right past the skeleton pile on the ground, which is not, you know, unfortunately not an uncommon sight in this jail cell. But what is an uncommon sight is the thing he sees in front of him, which is a lice monster. Yeah. Standing in his human skin. He looks at him. Oh, excuse me. What the f***? the fuck are you? Who are you? What's going on here? The thing looks at him and says, NEED. WANT. I'm sorry, that doesn't answer me question.

One bit, he starts walking towards it confidently. Has he passed me? He has passed you. All right, I'm leaping up to push him into the lights. Cool. Yeah, I'd say you got advantage on this. You don't need to roll. You get this. Cool. So you're going to jump up behind him and push him into the thing? Yeah. Cool, man. You push him into, okay! He goes, whoa, what the fuck? Whoa, oh, oh, no! His last words are, oh, fuck, this sucks! As thousands of lice just consume this man and crawl.

all over him and begin picking at his skin and his flesh. He screams in absolute agony. It is an awful sound that will haunt you, but right now, you know, you know, maybe not going to haunt him in the moment, but... For future reference, I want you to remember, this is a fucked up thing you're hearing. I remember the screams. He's pulled into the lice. They sort of swarm all over him. For a moment, all the lice crawl to the top.

of him and all you see you just see a probably about a 511 pile of lice you can see nothing else and they sort of they swell and they pulse and you hear screaming. No blood comes out, though. All of the blood is being consumed by these lice. The lice then sort of crawl back in and you see an enormous... sort of flesh homunculi, which has been put together with this man's skeleton, the skin of the other guy. And I helped. You did. This is a little, this is your kid.

Oh, no. In so many ways. It looks at you now, and with a much fresher vocal cords, it says to you, Thank you. Meat's better than bones? Meat. It's good. Let's get you some more meat. Yes. All right, and I'm just like pointing at the... Father. The cop's jail cell. The cop better than Sasquatch. Who... Who are we? You are Legion. Legion. This is a real moment you're having with a swarm of lice who just wanted to consume you. Legion. Yes, for you are many. Mammal. What? How?

It starts to like, sort of like, you can see it's hawking something up and it spits about a hand's worth of bones up on the ground. Oh, that's nice. They are not together in a hand. No, I can't use that. It's like an owl pellet almost. It's covered in some lice. I imagine I can take it to somebody and maybe we can put that back together. It looks up at you expectantly like a cat who just laid a dead mouse in front of you. Good. Good. Good.

Good. It just sort of stands awkwardly. Yeah, no, I take it. It gestures for you to take the bones. Yeah, I take it. I'm like, well, I don't really have any place to put it. I kind of try to tuck it into a hip bone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pockets of those are the skeletons. Yeah, I kind of hang it off of an interior rib, basically. So I've got almost like a keychain of my own hand hanging off of my bones right now. I'm going to let you... Now...

You know, in a real-life situation, if this were to happen, that probably wouldn't be successful. But we're making a fun podcast. I'm going to let that work in that moment. Okay, so this thing looks up to you expectantly and says, What now? Would you like more to eat? Always. Can you promise me that if I provide you a delicious... It is completely overwhelmed already. No, no. Simple concepts. Fine, fine, fine. You're doing great.

Eat one thing, but when I say don't, don't eat. Don't eat. Only when I say. I say. When I say eat, you eat. I say eat. Ah, Christ. Let's try it. Yes, let's try it out. It's trying its best. I mean, yeah. Yeah, no, and you're doing so well. Not the tone of the confrontation with this lice monster I was expecting, but this is very exciting. Do you lead the lice monster over? Yeah, he's an opportunist, man. Yeah, no, he takes to the cell. Then he thinks for a second.

He stops, and he does not trust the monster to not eat both the cop and Cordelia. And so he just, he's like, all right. And then he bangs on the cell and he says, Hello there, copper! I'm an escaped skeleton!

Okay, so Cordelia, you have released Junior out to do your business, and you are... Boy, you are towards the end of Charlotte's Web right now with this cop right now. The cop, he's sort of, he's beginning to nod off and he looks up, he goes, and that's why. You should never tell a lie. Pretty good, right? It's a really good book. I love that book. Yeah, it's a good one. Do you want to start it over?

I gotta be honest, I don't particularly. Okay. I nodded off for a little bit there. Which part? I don't know, because I was asleep. I think it was when she went to the manor of her second cousin. Jesus Christ. Oh, man, this book's got a lot of manners and stuff in it. I don't know. Look, is there anything I can get you before the witch hunter gets here? Yeah, a key. Come on, be real. I'm not going to get you a key.

If the witch hunter gets here and you're not here, that's my ass. Do you know anything about the witch hunter? I don't particularly. Do they come here often to hunt? I've never seen a witch hunter before. No. We had to call a witch hunter because you got something fucked up about you. Well...

Sorry, isn't it also systematically fucked up that we were accosted on the street and we were being brought in for someone who looked nothing like it? Yeah, but you're trying to appeal to the wrong guy with that. I don't give a fuck about the systematic oppression. I don't give a fuck. Systematic oppression. Bullshit. He does the jackass. I don't care. I don't care about that. I think you do. I don't. Have I learned your name yet? Jason.

Jaysom. Jaysom. Jaysom. J-A- Oh, I don't know how to spell, but Jaysom. Didn't you just read me a whole book? Yeah, I know how to read. I don't know how to spell. No, no, okay, this this works. This works. I can read but I can't spell me own name. I think you owe me a key What for that? Yeah, okay. I lied about not knowing how to spell me own name, okay? I'm not giving you a key. No This sucks. This doesn't suck!

Yeah, it does. Maybe it does suck, but it's a consequence for your actions. You killed police, and so this is what happens. And you did it in a fucked up, weird way that we didn't understand, so we called the witch hunter here to figure out what's going on with you. Because that's the rule.

This magic that we don't understand, we've got to call the witch hunter. Well, is the witch hunter going to be able to diagnose me? I don't know. I don't care. I just call the witch hunter. She makes the problem go away. She? Or he. I don't know. Different witch hunters.

You just call like a general witch hunter line. I'm just hoping. What does that mean? I'm just hoping it's a lady. Oh yeah? Yeah. Are you looking for love? In all the wrong places. Oh, in prison with a witch hunter? Yeah. Yeah, see? Me job keeps me from living a romantic life. Is that true or is it just that you're not ready for a romantic life so you're standing in your own way?

That's probably the first one where I didn't do anything wrong. Okay. Knowing me, I'm probably fine. I'm okay. I'm not going to lose sleep over this. I mean, come on. I mean, I got a point. I don't know. I don't know you that well.

I'd like to think that you'll lose a lot of sleep. I'm not going to lose any sleep over this. I'm going to sleep in a big bed downstairs with all me brothers and we all have the same cop accent. You all sleep downstairs? Yeah, we all sleep on the basement. That's our level.

That's for having fun. We got a rec room down there. Oh, cool. Yeah, it's pretty nice. Do you have any couches? Well, and then as this happens, you hear a, there is a knock on the gate as Frederick shouts, what do you, I believe? Hello, copper! Escaped skeleton man here. You have to come and catch me. What are you doing out of your cell? What are you doing out of your cell? I escaped it because I'm so clever. Oh, but I'm weak. A single...

A tap of a policeman's baton would take me out. Okay, he pulls the baton out. No, I mean it, I mean it! And then he runs, like, kind of towards the, uh, towards his monster front. This guy just swings the door. Open and pursues you. Oh, I'm going to tap you so hard. I'm going to tap you right in the- What the fuck is that? Eat. Christ. Eat. Yes, eat. Eat him. Eat it. Eat.

What's going on here? I demand an explanation. Mail, mail, mail, mail, mail. Eat, eat. It starts doing the same thing. It goes, mail, mail. It does the same thing. I'm gesturing at it like desperately. Just like, eat the cop. It's just making, it's just matching your. Your body movements. I stand between the lice monster, who I've named Legion, and the cop with his bully stick or whatever.

And I kind of dance about, like, trying to get him to take a swing at me and getting ready to dodge. Yeah, the guy is, he's like, all right, that's just about enough of that. And he takes a swing at you. Got a really porousie. Well, is it higher than eight? Yeah.

Okay, he's going to miss his swing at you. As he does that, I guess I'm going to try to dodge around him and sort of shove him into the lice monster. 15. That'll do it, man. You dance around him. You sort of trip him. You do like a little soccer thing. You like juke him out. And he's like, what's going on? Whoa! As you push him into Legion. And I say, eat!

It starts chomping like that. And it's like someone else's eyes really light up as lice behind it sort of make the eyes light up. And this is... horrific. The human sort of flesh prison that these lice are inside of, the jaw just like... falls down like four feet almost to the ground. It just unhinges its jaw and you can see like a

pumping heart that is just being pumped by lice. There are just thousands of lice inside of this thing. Absolutely. It smells like shit, by the way. I'm sure I didn't have to say that, but like just absolutely disgusting thing. It's just like flesh is being torn open. You can see exposed bones that are just in the wrong place. as this guy sort of falls into the lice and he screams, oh no, Cordelia, help me.

It's too late. Jason, what's happening? I don't understand the full weight of what's... He's pulled apart by lice. They just absolutely tear this guy into a million pieces. He is consumed into this thing. The mouth very slowly, it just looks, the eyes of Legion just look right at Frederick as the mouth just sort of slowly, like a crank, it just sort of is pulled back up slowly as this guy disappears into...

This enormous pulsating body that's sort of uncomfortably, you can see what appears to be a hand pushing through the skin. It finally...

breaks through and like a skeleton hand sort of moves through the front of it. You see another skeleton hand move through the front of it. This thing just has extra little arms and legs now. And it's just... big as shit uh finally its stomach sort of opens up and this guy's like flayed face like looks out at you and screams and the lights just sort of like pull it back

into its body. And Legion just looks at you expectantly like a puppy looking at its owner. Good. Good. Just living minute to minute with this thing.

All right, what did you guys like to do now? The door, by the way, you left open. Yeah, yeah, great. Suppose me. What's going on? Not yet, not yet. Figuring out other things. All right, and so I'm just like, can you wait? Wait. It's just standing in one place right now. Good. All right, and I take a step toward the cell, watching to see if it follows. It does. Okay.

And I just, I'm like, okay. And I just point in the opposite direction. I go, eat. It points in the opposite direction too. Expressionless. All right. So at this point, I am too afraid of it trying to eat Cordelia. I understand. Yes. And applaud that. Thank you. Thank you. All right. My plan is that I am going to try to lead it.

To some other poor asshole. Okay. And then once it starts chowing down, I'm going to run back for Cordelia. Sure thing. That's what we're going to try to do. Cordelia, we'll be right back. Where are you going? What's going on? We're rescuing you. Oh, yay! So, yeah, you can lead him back. It's empty jail cells, but the jail cell you did come from, I said, had a dead rat carcass in there. Eat. I point at the rat. It looks at the rat. It looks at you. Eat.

It starts to consume its own hand. It does it. It just sort of cycles through and the hand pops back out of the body again. I gesture the rat towards it, but not enough to shove it down. I'm like, eat. It touches the rat. All right, and I go, eat! And I kind of just release it from my hand. Okay, yeah, the rat, it's touching the rat with a fleshy hand. You release the rat. The rat just sort of sticks to it. Great.

And you see as lice sort of start to spread around the rat and pull it into itself. It looks down at the rat and seems at least a little distracted. Or I give it a shot. I'm like, eat. And I point down the hallway again to see if it understands. It starts ambling off down. Great. Can I stay back and it will go off by itself? You can try. I'm trying. It's working. Great. It walks away. Okay, great. I'm running.

As fast as I can. Cool! You get back to Cordelia. Cordelia. Hi. Apologies for my nudity. Oh, whoa. You must forget one day. But for now, we've created a monster. We? Yes. It's to help you. Okay. And we have to get you out before it decides to feast on your body. Okay. Hang on. Last time I pulled this out, it really hurt. Will you do it? Sure.

Pull it out. I'm not concerned about bedside manner at this point. I'm only concerned about trying to get one step ahead of this increasingly big problem that I'm making. Cordelia, can you roll a d6 for me? Five. You take five damage. Ooh, I saw that. Sorry. Healing potion and blood are just squirting out of your arm. It feels bad. Yeah.

Five damage, you guys aren't at level 10 or anything yet. Five damage sucks. I'm at six hit points right now. Total? Yeah. After that? Yes. Okay, let's go. What? Let's go. We're going. I think we need... Okay. I was just thinking we should wait because Junior's going to go get our friends. Right. Well, if we wait longer, Legion is going to make his entire rotation around this and eat both of them. All right. I'm not going to ask you. Let's do it. Great. He's my new son, made of lies.

Congratulations. Thank you. I'm terrified. Are you saying lice? Yes. Like head lice? This is like my biggest fear. Oh, sure. Well, it's worse than that. Let's go. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Your son is not coming anywhere near me. Yeah, we'll see. You can sort of hear coming from back behind the way you were coming. It seems to be like heading back your way. Yeah, we're going to go in the opposite direction. Okay. Great. To Bonesby.

Yes? What's a witch hunter? So I roll on my intelligence to 17. You know what a witch hunter is. You know there are... Probably 10 witch hunters total in all of Cordelia. It is a very, very, very high status job. And they are very rare because they are... so efficient at what they do their job is to um there's

Only a few of them, they're stationed in big cities in each region of Cordelia, and one witch hunter can cover an entire, like, hundreds of square miles. This is like a fantasy Judge Dredd you're describing, maybe. It is a fantasy Judge Dredd I'm describing here. They hunt out witches with extreme prejudice and they take them. Whatever they find and catch is...

extremely unlikely that it's ever heard from again. In fact, it's unheard of that anything would ever be heard from again. They take them. You know enough with a 17 that it's like, there's a lot of rumors of like some very fucked up experiments that go on and they... potentially rumor has it that they harness the powers of witches for their own ends.

Oh, did that guard tell you he was a witch hunter because he had you hooked up to an IV? No, I think he's considering dating the witch hunter that's coming here. I know. I was like, we'll hook you up with someone local. No, no. Oh, no. A witch hunter actually coming for us is very bad. Why? It's a bad thing. We're trying to get out of here. Okay. Okay, fine.

As you guys move down in the other direction, you are going to see to your right a familiar face. You're going to see Bello. Oh no, he's too meaty. Who's meaty? You! What? Yeah. But come on, we gotta get out of there. Get out of there. Get out of there. Oh, I opened the door earlier, but I think you locked it. Turn into a lizard.

I don't think I can. Have you tried? I tried to cast a spell earlier, and I couldn't. Different magics. Try it, quick. Okay. Bellow tries to wild shape into a spider. Cool. So you are... trying to wild shape into a spider. Here's the thing, though, about the magic dampening properties of this jail cell and of spilled milk, the pig. which is dampening all of the magic here. It dampens arcane magic specifically. However, there is spillover that affects other schools and types of magic.

So as you start to turn into a spider, you feel extra legs sort of start to... grow on yourself, and it's just like an Animorphs cover. However, you're frozen in those fucked up middle... You're like the middle of an Animorphs cover. So I want to specify that I have grown extra arms, but so just like... equally as ripped as my other arms. Oh yeah, you are buff and bellow at this moment, but your body has sort of taken on the shape of a spider, and you have grown, you are about three feet tall.

So still too big to get through the doors? Still too big to get through the doors, but you are now stuck as this little half-spider thing. Is this helping? Well, you look less appetizing. Let me see if I can web out, and then I shoot some web out of my thorax. Okay, cool. It hurts a lot. It is like, your body's not totally prepared for that, and you can just, it's like...

is bad news, man. Ew, god. Ew. I don't think I can get out this way. Just try punching the door open. Okay. So you've got eight legs now.

Eight arms and legs? Yeah, I have eight limbs. Eight limbs? I'm going to have you roll eight strength checks. I wasn't doing the math as that happened, but the sum total, as long as it beat 40, I'm going to let that work. You've got to assume you beat 40 there. You break your jail cell. Whoa! It's unbelievably comic to you guys what you just watched. You saw this hot little spider just punch a jail cell eight times. Oh my god, I can't believe Albie's not here for this. Why?

No, I was just thinking how you look funny. So, it's really good to see you guys. Yeah, dude. As this happens, as you guys are having this conversation, Legion has gotten... Really put... He's closed the distance between you guys. You can hear Legion coming up right behind you guys. Can we see him yet? Yes, you can. If you just merely turn your head, you can see Legion. Oh, no. That's what we're running from. Keep going. Keep going. Run. Bea! Cordelia!

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. What are you doing? You got caught? We were looking for you. We did what we came to do. We got arrested. What about your family? Bello, punch your door down. What the heck happened to Bello? Hey. Shut the- Bellow. Weird. And again, apologize for my nudity, but we are in a prison of nightmares. Punch down her door, Bellow. Don't worry, Albie. I'll save you. I know it's weird, but...

I'm sorry. It's a spill. It's a magic spill. I'm really sorry. You punch and you punch and you do not break the jail. You really spent a lot of your weird little spider energy on your own jail cell. It is not quite... breaking this time. And in the time that you do that, Legion has really closed the distance a little and this ambling thing has gotten closer to you. Stop thinking about which body parts you would perhaps want to sacrifice first. And I wave my left stump.

What are you talking about? There's a creature that consumes all. Legion is like right up next to you. Legion, stop. Legion looks at you. Stop. Do I see Legion? You see Legion. You can all see Legion. I'm having a nervous breakdown. Legion screams, too. It goes, ah! No! It just, like, rattles its vocal cords. Casper, Casper, Casper! Cordelia, can you break down the door? In a ball on the floor.

Grab the bars and just pull really hard. Just don't run into it. Keep a distance. And I kind of like gently try to put myself in between them and it. Cool. Without touching it. And I'm just like, just. Don't run into it. It knows to eat if something touches it. I'm not going to touch it. Legion is just looking at you. We'll find you more to eat soon.

Just wait. It's standing patiently. It's in no rush. I'm like, good, good. What you can tell from it, this is just obvious, is it just wants to be near you. That's nice. Yeah. All right, I'm going to put a foot up on the wall and grab the bars and try and just pull them. Yeah, give that a strength. 17? Yeah, that's going to work. Great. Rip those bars down. Okay, cool. You rip.

Keep running. Keep running. All right. Just grab your hand and like we start running. Okay. As you run, there is an open door in front of you. Alright, I'm running. We're holding hands. Bea, what are your thoughts on this door that's open? I think we should run. Slow down. No more yelling. No more running. I'm running. There's lights. I'm running. So you guys are running. I'm running. Yeah.

There's other things trying to stop us. Sorry, I'm not listening to you at all. So you guys are running. I'm already running through the door. You guys, you're through the door. You've taken... I'm totally just a rag doll behind her. Where is Bello in all this? I am on the ceiling. He just started over. This is a new life for him. Howdy, partners. It's me, the Dungeon Master for Rude Tales of Magic, Branson Reese. You know, I just wanted to give a huge thank you to everybody who has thus far...

told their friends about the show. You know... We're doing better than we ever could have expected or hoped to do with the show in terms of finding a new audience. And such a huge part of that is when you tell your friends about the show. We're out here screaming about it.

it every day but there's really nothing like a recommendation from a friend so when you guys get out there and you tell your friends that's been a huge help for us so far and Doing it more will only spread the infectious disease of this podcast to more and more. people. So I just want to thank all of you who have told your friends. And once again, I am repeating the phrase, tell your friends about Rude Tales of Magic.

No matter what they take from you, please continue to tell your friends about Rude Tales of Magic. And now, you know it, I gotta thank some elf lords. So that's a big old rude tales thank you to Chase Ortiz. You know I'd be trash if I didn't thank Caitlin Hobbs. And I'm not, so I'm thinking. That's a big old thank you to Lila.

Also known as Jinkies in the Discord. And, uh, folks, you know, put your hands together wherever you are for, uh, Clayton Mertz. You know, do the same. Keep it going for Thomas Birney. And... I gotta, I simply must insist that you all join me in thanking Christopher Weldon. And, uh, of course, uh, you thought I forgot about you, but I didn't, Colin Heck. That's a big old thank you from all of us here at Rude Tales of Magic. But I'm not done. We simply must thank Shelby Reeves, Kit Callan, and...

Drumroll, please. Thank you very much. Chris Heilman. Those are our elf lords. I love each and every one of you more than our other listeners. Which is saying a lot. I really, our listeners are beloved to me. Thank you so much and be safe. It's a dangerous world. Stir fry, uh... While you're stuck in here, you know, you're frustrated, you're pacing, you're doing whatever stir-fry does to pass the time here. Suddenly, you see Cordelia dragging Albie behind her, running through the...

the door, the exit to the jail that's nearby you, you see a fucked up little creature that is giving you some Bella vibes scurry out behind them. God, disgusting. Hey, dude. Yeah, he says hey dude to you while he leaves. What a shame. You are stuck still in your jail cell though as you see Frederick and an enormous sort of lice creature behind him are still in the jail with you.

Mr. DeBonesby? Mr. DeBonesby! Mr. DeBonesby, it's me! It's me, Stir Fry! Mr. DeBonesby, it's me, Stir Fry! Yes, Stir Fry, we have to get you out. What's that thing behind you? It's a creature of life. Did you make it? Kind of. I helped it. You helped it. It was here already, and I fed it a little bit, and I've taught it a single verb. You taught it speech? Yes, I taught it the word eat.

On hearing that, something about stir fry is like setting it off. Oh, no. It does not like stir fry. It doesn't like the idea of stir fry. Whatever vibe stir fry has with this thing, it is like it is returned from this thing. Upon hearing eat, it starts to sort of vibrate and move and sort of lose its shape and fall apart. And some lice sort of start to fall out from it and head over towards stir-fry cell. But...

In this moment, as you see that, it starts to lose its shape, and some of the cops that it absorbs, its clothes sort of start to fall out of it. Okay, all right. Hold on, stir fry? Just don't let it touch you, and I'm going to see if it dropped any keys for your jail cell. Call it back, Mr. Bonesby! Mr. Bonesby, save me! Their lice are already starting to crawl up all over you. They're getting under your feathers. You can feel them on your skin. You created something to destroy me, Mr. Bonesby!

No, you're covered in lice. I gave everything to you! I'm trying to save you. It shouldn't go away like it taught me to s- It is getting closer and closer. It is leaving so it's leaving bones behind I'm picking through all of it. I'm looking for key. Lice are starting to crawl up all over Yeah, it is falling apart. It's losing its form and it is it is frustrating like lice are starting to scatter and you both can feel lice beginning to bite you. No, I'm brushing and I'm looking for keys.

Sure. You do see a single key in there, but it is covered in lice right now. All right. I try to, like, dig it out with my left bone stump. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm not going to waste a good hand on that. Sure. It is not. Actually, I'll have you do a dex roll on that, but you're going to roll at disadvantage because the wrong hand. First roll was a 20. Okay. So now I have to roll the bad one. Yep.

Which is a two. Oh, boy. You know, there's no fingers on that hand. Well, yeah, I'm trying to scoop a key. You sort of can get the key loop around your wrist. Yeah. But the... it's just covered in lice which begin to sort of like defensively bite at your and it hurts enough that you like involuntarily shake and it's like thrown back into

the pile stir fry you are covered in lice right now which are beginning to bite you is this combat where i can like disengage with this stuff you can try okay uh i want to try to uh disengage cool you shake like a terrier Uh, who's just like coming in from the rain and like lice go flying everywhere. Uh, and the thing, what's in, what's wild is the thing, the main mass of Legion begins to scream in pain, even though it is not.

connected to you in this moment as if it can feel the lice uh through you as they're like thrown against your jail cell uh wall so you've disengaged you're mostly free of lice right now cast a spell mr debones me or can't you do that anymore No, I can't. I'm trying to get the keys. Do it! Do it! As this happens, DeBonesby, as you're looking around and looking for anything to help you, you can also see a door opposite Sir Fry's cell.

which has your wig neatly hung up, your fine clothes, your spell books, and your component pouches. They're all stacked and ready to go. I have to break stuff right out of here so he can get my things for me. And I jam my right hand into the key. You got it. You get the keys. You've got the keys now. Yeah, and I unlock the cell, or I try to figure out which one it is. Yeah, the keys work on the jail cell that they're designed to work for. Great.

Uh, the door swings open. Stir Fry, you are, uh, Frederick has just freed you. You are still, there's still lice everywhere, though. Um, can I, I'm gonna try to jump over the lice. Yeah. I mean, there's like, it's almost like a, uh...

It's almost like the entire floor is, like, almost covered in lice, but there is sort of a blank space near the other door. Yeah, I want to just basically do, like, a flip. I want to, like, jump up and grab, like, the ceiling and, like, I'm going to jump, bounce up the ceiling, out the door.

Yeah, roll an acrobatics for that. Okay, 18 plus 9. Yeah, oh. You bounce around the frames of the screen that the viewer is watching just like Daffy Duck is somehow able to. This is a big moment for Stir Fry. You are just... bouncing all around the place. You're shaking lice loose. I'm outside. Outside of your jail cell. Yeah. I look at the Bonesby. I walk across and I open the door. I take out his wig.

And I take out his clothes, and I walk to them, and I hand them to him, and I go, You taught someone else to speak. It's a whole other thing. Thank you. Is this all? This is the last time, Mr. Demonsby. And then I hand him... Then I hand them this clothes. Then there's a deafening gurgle. The lice are beginning to sort of take their form back. They are just grabbing whatever they can and sort of pulling it into themselves. Great. Well, good note. Run! Run!

I immediately fall right behind. Yeah, yeah. Cool, you guys push out out of the jail cell. You are now, everybody is free from jail. Yay! Cordelia, hello. Wait, stir fry, were you in there? Yes. There was a lice monster in there. I know. That lice monster saved all of you. What?

Yes. Well, that's who we were running from. That's not what safe does. I could not have escaped that jail to free each and every single one of you had I not allowed that monster to eat my hand and I point to where my bony hand is hanging off a ribcage. Boo. And then had it eat gods. I mean, technically I... And very carefully kept it from eating all of you. Did you... To Bonesby, I freed myself. Don't, Bellow, just... When you talk... Can you turn around? Your mouth is... a mandible. This is...

disgusting. I'm used to you being an image of a drop of water. And that's the only reason... Okay! Oh, and what? You only keep me around because my appearance stir? Um, I look...

pointedly at Albie. Oh, it kind of sounds like that's what you're saying. Wait, wait, wait. Don't talk over each other. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying you don't look very good right now is all I'm saying. So why does that matter? I thought we had a deeper friendship than that. We do. Of course we have a deeper friendship than that. Am I just the hot friend to you? No! No! No! No! Well? If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best, dude. Bellow.

wild shapes back to his human form. Yeah, you're out of the jail, by the way. Back to his tiefling form, rather. Your magic is, you can feel it. All of the magic users in the group, you can feel your magic returning to you. DeBernsby's putting his clothes back on and he says, now listen, I don't want to apologize for that creature, but what I'm seeing is that there are worse things out there about to kill us. Cordelius said that there may be...

Witch hunters coming for us. Oh, no, there definitely is. Right. We have to go. Put on my wig on that note. We can't leave. We still haven't found anything out about Albie's parents. That's the whole reason we came to the town. I'm sorry. Did somebody say... Albie's parents! You...

Everyone turn around and you can see an enormous toad person, like a bullywug, I believe is the term. It's a toad person, though. He is massive. He has... He is dressed in the finest of clothes. He has long striped pants.

He has a golden cane. He has a brown, like, sort of like wavy human wig sitting atop his wig of like human hair, sitting atop his toad head. He is surrounded by... by a group of gnolls who look very uh uh rough and uh uh very rough and aggressive looking group of gnolls they are flanking him uh and he looks at uh he looks out at the entire group

I'm sorry, where are my manners? I believe I just heard you talking about Albie's parents. My parents? I'm coming out of my sort of dazed state right now. Did you say my parents? I did say your parents. Oh, where are they? Do you have them? I do have them. Wait, you do? Yes, and where are my manners? My name is Scrum... Scrum Fabulous! Wow, I see my reputation precedes me! Give me back my parents! Smashing! I love it! I love a good reputation preceding me! Ah, I'm sorry, um...

Here I am introducing myself. These, of course, are the Sodom sisters. A group of gnolls who I actually had just sent to the jail to break all of you out. It's so... I'm so impressed with you. You're so industrious. It seems like you guys broke yourselves out of jail.

Yes. That is incredible. You know, next time, if you ever find yourselves in... Where are my parents? If you ever find yourselves in jail in the soaking valley, just give a word. Scrum Fabulous is a friend to criminals. I will get you right out of there. Don't worry. Thank you.

Yes, absolutely. Now, I couldn't help but hear you say six or seven times, where are my parents? Yes. Yes, I have them. They are completely fine. No harm will come to them. You know, I just need you to do a quick favor for me and, you know, we'll all be on our way. What's the favor? Well, we don't need to talk business right here in the middle of the street. Why don't you guys come back to my place?

I'll explain the whole situation to you. You get to see your parents. Okay. You do a little favor for me, and then your parents are free. Okay. Okay, but we don't go to places called The Nest. Like, that used to be a policy, and then we broke it, and that was a mistake. The Nest? Yes. We do sort of have a deal that we don't go to guys' places. That's called The Nest. But...

So you're not called the Nest? I mean, it doesn't matter. It's my parents. We've got to go. No, we call my place Scrum's place. Okay, well, there's no rule about that. Yeah, but it is a red flag. Sorry, just to be clear, though. Yes, yes. Let's get all the info out of me. You were saying, air quotes, you have her parents, and you were saying they're fine and no harm will come to them, and then you're saying...

will do a favor and then they'll go free. So you would say right now that Albie's parents are not free? Oh, I'm sorry if I misled you. Her parents are captive. Yeah, Bello. Come on. All of your questions answered as soon as we get back to Scrum's place. Oh, I really don't like that.

Are you sure? Cord, are you serious? Are you serious? You're just always running fucking headfirst into danger. Can you stop it? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to you, though. And I'm telling you, if you don't want to go on this adventure, on this little journey I have for you guys, there is no pressure. That is completely fine with me. Albie, can you step over here for a second? Cordelia, yes. Great. Thank you. What are you...

doing right now? Do you not think this is important? Can we just maybe think of a plan? What? Yeah, sure. Let's sit here and think of a plan.

Yeah, let's spend hours and hours thinking of a plan while my parents are held captive by this guy after we saw my brother get torn to bits. Let's just sit here and think of a fucking plan. I don't want to do that, but if we walk in without a plan, isn't it going to be worse? Why do we- it here when we can do it at scrum's place you need to just let us step away yeah seriously dude give him space no

I don't understand why you're doing this. Why you're making me choose. I'm not making you choose anything. I'm just telling you that this is clearly a bad plan. This is clearly a bad dude. And he has my parents. Totally. But what are you going to do? You're going to walk in? We just barely got out of lice prison. Albie's trying not to show that she's crying and she just sort of turns her back on Cordelia. Fine. I walk away.

I walk up to Cordelia. Cordelia, I understand this has been a very stressful situation in the prison. I don't think we have words. Went through a lot. We came this entire way for her parents. We should finish the mission. Even if it is an obvious trap. Yeah, it's an obvious trap. Well, so is...

So's life, baby. And I give her a big old bony grin. You can check out any time you like, but you can always leave through death. And that's a problem. I think I was with you for a little while and then I might have lost what you were trying to tell me. All I'm saying is this is what we've been trying to do this entire time in a moment when...

So much has become meaningless chaos as our school has disappeared and demons do whatever it is that they like to do with our lives and we meet those stupid elves and all those... dumb spiders and there was that light monster. Okay, calm down. We came this whole freaking way for her parents. Did we? Yes, because we have nowhere else to go right now. We are lost but one goal.

Save the fucking parents. What's so great about family? Oh, right, right. Well, let's go find out. Go on your own journey. I had to look at a reflection and see what I looked like with skin. What? You figure out what family's like by going to save hers. You saw yourself with skin? It's a... Why are you listening? You can hear us? Don't be rude. Hey. Oh, we can all hear everything everybody's saying. Again, I would just love to extend... This is, again, an...

invitation to Scrum's place. Scrum's being a very nice man. Scrum is not a nice man. Sorry, Scrum, I don't know you, but you're clearly not. I gotta say, no offense taken, but that was a weird shot to take at a guy. Was it? You... You're holding my friend's parents captive. Well, guilty as charged. And we're going to call it there. Yes.

Quite the rude tale, indeed. That was Allie Fisher as Cordelia, Carly Monardo as Albie, Christopher Hastings as Frederick de Bonesby, Tim Platt as Stir Fry, Joe Lepore as Bellow, and Branson Reese as everything and everyone else. Rude Tales of Magic is produced by Taylor Moore, that fortunate horse. He sounds nice. See you next time, weary traveler, when you most desire even more. Rune tables of magic.

In the early 21st century, magic reawakened on Earth, and alongside it a new human race with orcs, elves, trolls, dwarves, and others. Humanity became metahumanity. As technology proliferated and greatly advanced in the awakened world, global megacorporations seized ever more power, becoming de facto states with their own laws, courts and armed forces. The corporations attempt to control all aspects of modern life.

This has led to a vast and complex criminal underground which works for and against corporate interests. The independent career criminals who do what others can't or won't are called Shadowrunners. The year is 2101. Welcome to Fun City. Fun City, which takes place in a post-climate disaster in New York City in the year 2101. In our game, a group of friends who live on a boat do their best to get by in the magical...

technologically advanced corporate controlled future. We accompany them as they cast spells, hack computer systems, get into and hopefully out of all kinds of trouble. It is subconscious mind pushes you away. Doesn't even know how much just sort of hits you with like the levitation spell. Sheezy is a perfect opportunity to do what she calls a clam flip.

So she jumps in the air, does a tuck, and she really sits on him. She goes, when she lands. Do not ask where the money comes from, my friend. Because let me tell you something. Anybody with this much money. We don't get it in nice ways. You know what I mean? Typhine casts concealment on the boat. We got two drinks. We got juice boxes and, of course, milk. Got anything funny in that arm? TK pops it open and pulls out a pair of socks.

TK unrolls them and stretches them a little bit and doesn't break eye contact. Wherever they are paying you, it's not worth it. You can find Fun City wherever you listen to podcasts and on Twitter at Fun City Ventures. Artemis, what's the population of New York City? The current population of Manhattan is estimated at 2.2 million, but the corporate arcologies keep their population data private.

The outer boroughs have not participated in an officially recognized census since... Okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Doom and gloom, apocalypse, archipelago. I get it. So anyways, I trained her to everyone's voice. Doom and gloom archipelago from your Spotify. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at HeadGum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk.

yeah we're best friends yeah we talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries so audience members can ask questions about friendships and We can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes. We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week.

I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were. I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.