All the Little Ants

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ah, there you are, traveller. Come inside and hang up your coat. Put your feet by the fire, and I shall bring you what you so desperately seek. Rude tales of magic.

Previously on Rude Tales of Magic. Escape! Frederick de Bonesby, after a long dark night of the soul, broke all of his friends out of the Soaking Valley prison in order for them to hunt down one... Scrum Fabulous. However, as soon as they broke out of jail, they discovered that Scrum was already on his way to break them out.

They journey now with Scrum Fabulous and his retinue of Knoll bodyguards to the edge of town to Scrum's Pad, where they hope they will find Albie's parents.

I think you're going to be delighted by Scrum's pad. My little home away from home. Just excited to be out of prison, thank you so much. You're very welcome. You know, it's funny, I said home away from home. It is my home.

It's my home inside of home. Do you have any kind of, like, vacation properties? Absolutely I do. And those are my homes away from home. That's where I picked up the tick where I say my little home away from home. Well, I suppose sometimes one's vacation, one feels more than a... and when they are at home. And if you are, what? And being home.

It's where the heart is. Well said and well heard. And you know, I do not envy those gentlemen at all because I feel more myself at home than I do when I'm on vacation. However, I always feel myself. I love life. Why do you have my parents?

Well, I'll tell you why. As soon as we get to Scrum's Pad. But here's the thing. Oh my god. What's up? Scrum's Pad? Scrum's Pad. It's what I've named my home. Alright, great. Every good home deserves a name, don't you think? I do. I'm open to notes. Do you have a better idea for it? I have no suggestions. Scrum's house. Scrum's house? Yeah. It's more of a pad. So it's like a bachelor?

Kind of? A little bit, and I'm quite eligible. Oh, I'm sorry. No, nothing to be apologizing. Why would you apologize to me for that? I don't know. I just feel like a man with, like, you know, like, a... A pad of his own, plus multiple, like, vacation properties, but no one to share it with? I don't know. Seems kind of sad to me. Albie... I do appreciate the sentiment, but in a matter of minutes, you'll see how misguided it is. Albie, what were you about to say?

Albie looks backwards at Cordelia instinctively to see if she's about to call dibs and then quickly turns around uncomfortably Cordelia is just like trailing behind the group and just like sort of huffing dramatically. Alright, I see I caught the group in a bit of a down moment, but I assure you your spirits will be high as a kite. When I see my parents. Yes, you will see your parents. Ah, and here we are at my...

pad. Scrum's pad, that is. He brings you to the side of a... So, as I said before, the soaking valley. It's a valley. The edge of the valley, you guessed it, is a little bit mountainous. We are now at a grotto, the entrance of a cave. An enormous... And I got to say, you know, you got to call him like you see him. A hideous looking troll stands in front of the entrance of the grotto. The troll greets Scrum Fabulous.

Scrum. Hello. Yes, hello! Please, please, allow me to introduce everyone. This is Bon Penisignaro. My troll guard. Every good pad deserves one. Yes! Albie, did you have a comment? Can you say his name slower? Absolutely. Bon Pina Signaro. Would you like me to repeat the name a third time? Yes, would love to. Can you break it? So the first time I went fast, the second time I went slow, the third time I'm going to put a little English on it. Okay. Bon penis en yarrow.

Can we all say together that might help? Absolutely. And I think he'll enjoy this. All right, on the count of three, and a one, and a two, and a... Bon, penis, and yarrow! Bon, what did you think of that? That's my name don't wear it out We got pretty close there, right, Bon? All right, that's fine. Better than most. Better than most. He's got a quick wit. I like this man. It's like, how can you wear out a name? That's so weird. Yeah.

Well, we could by saying it a lot, you know. And I dare you to try Bon Penis and Yarrow. Bon Penis and Yarrow. Bon Penis and Yarrow. Bon Penis and Yarrow. Wow, this was fun. but we're still outside of my pad. Now, I just want you to look around and take in what you see before, which is the side of a bit of a cave, am I right?

Yes, yes. And is this, and be honest with me, you're not going to hurt my feelings. Is this good to look at or bad to look at? I mean, I'm not thrilled that my parents are in here. All right, all right. Pure aesthetics, it's quite nice. It's a sort of shine and sheen and... There's an intention of, um, power I enjoy. Oh, if you like this, daddy, you're going to be licking those chops soon. I'm no daddy. I'm a son, baby. Oh, a son. I find that I'm a bit of a son myself.

And a daddy? Who's to say? You're Flip Cup's daddy. No, he's Flip Cup's mommy. Oh, I'm not Flip Cup's daddy. I don't know who Flip Cup is, in fact. We haven't introduced you. I don't know if you have or not. Well, well, well. Meet Flip Cup.

There isn't time! Alright! Now, we need to get inside of my home, but here's the thing. We can't just walk inside, right? Well, it wouldn't. You've got to think of it. I'm the landlord of town. It wouldn't do for everyone to know where I live, right? Where are my mom and dad? They're inside! All right, here's how we're going to get in.

I have to say a bit of a spell to Bon Penis and Yarrow. He's bound by magic. He can't let us in until I do that. You're going to love this. All right. Nervous. Oh, no, no. No need to be. Here we go. Candyman tempting the thoughts of a sweet tooth tortured by the weight loss. Program cutting the corners loose and loose and cut, cut. On the fence, good not to offend. Cut, cut, cut, cut. Take these chances!

And as he says this, the magics that were enchanting the grotto, they all, they quickly, they blow away. And we see what is actually here at the entrance of Scrum's pad. The... It is a lavish entrance. Marble columns support an enormous bronze statue of Scrum Fabulous. Palm trees, not native to the region, flank the entrance. And Bon Pina Signaro himself is revealed to be...

No troll at all. In fact, Bonapena Signaro is a troll with long blonde hair. Cordelia gasps and starts to say something, and then she, um... like recoils back into herself and crosses her arms. Bonpina Signaro notices that and looks sadly at the ground. He kicks the sand a little. Bellow runs up to Scrum with a desperate look in his eyes. Tell me, sir, what kind of magic was that? That's the magic of feeling good. It was amazing. I bet it was. You seem...

The type. And that's all I'll say. All right, follow me. Walk this way. Walk this way. He leads you through the grand stained glass doors. Walks you through a well... carpeted hallway the walls are this is like finished basement level nice this is uh the walls there's wallpaper everywhere and all along the walls there are different pictures uh some are uh

are black and white, some are in color, but they're all paintings of Scrum Fabulous with different Cordelian celebrities. You can look at them as you walk down the hallway. Right this way, right this way. Wait! Yes. Is this you and Cretus? Well, not this one that you're pointing to. But this one that I was standing in front of. Yes, that is me and Cretus. I... Oh, you did? Oh, well, but my mistake. This is... I can't... I turned to Cordelia. Did I? Did I?

Cornelia looks really excited for a second and then remembers how mad she is and sort of huffs and turns back around, realizing how bad this is for them. Did I ask you if you know Kretus? Because I usually do. I don't remember if you did or not, but I'll tell you this. I do know Kretus. Oh my gosh. Okay, what is he like?

Do you think that we'd get along? Albie, your parents are here. Right. I walk up to Bello. Bello! Let her ask. Yeah! Let me ask! Yeah, let her ask, because I can't wait to answer. Yes, Cretus is a delightful fellow. He's a lot of fun, loves to party, cannot hold his liquor for the life of him, and I had to kick him out of here. Wait, really? Yes, I did. He was being a nuisance, the naughty fool. Wait, wait, wait, wait. This Kretis? This Kretis.

Well, not the one you're pointing to, but the one right behind me. I'm not talking about the one I'm pointing to. I'm talking about the one behind you. Well, you guys gotta stop. In my defense, you're pointing all over the place. Well, there's a lot going on here. Certainly, I keep a busy hallway and a busier social calendar. You sure do.

Look, are you being serious? I'm always being serious. Just because I love to have fun and I have a little bit of levity in my life doesn't mean I'm not gravely serious. Kretis was here and I did kick him out. How long ago? Why... Two years to the day. This is the two-year anniversary. It's what we're celebrating, as well as my birthday. Scrum, did you say that you kicked Gretus out of here two years ago? To the day, my boy. I believe that would put it as...

495 was when I kicked Cretus out. I remember the day because it was my birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you very much. Although, here's the thing that makes it more impressive. Every day is my birthday. I was born in a litter of tadpoles, right? And I ate all of my brothers and sisters, absorbing their birthdays, meaning that every day of the year is my birthday. Wait, does that mean Kretus left three days ago?

No, he left two years ago to the day. It's just impressive that I can remember. I fear we've exhausted all the hall has. Why don't we keep watching? Walking. All right, and a this way, and a that way, and we're just going in a straight line. He leads you down to the end of a hallway, and at the end of it, it culminates in a...

A massive set of double doors. There are staircases leading off to the left and right. It's a little obscured, though. It seems to be dark, but there are all sorts of flashing multicolored lights and really just... delightful bossa nova music playing on the other end i was gonna say that as they were walking through the halls um albie sort of was falling farther behind like closer to cordelia and just kind of like

flexing her hand a little bit as if she wanted her hand to be held because she's getting really nervous about what state her parents might be in scrum grows uh momentarily uh gravely serious and he calls the the sisters over the null sisters over and whispers something to them sending uh both of them they split in half and they walk uh they sort of run hurriedly up the side stairs. All right, right this way, right this way. And remember, abandon all

Glumness ye who enter here. All right, I'm workshopping it. Here we go. He pushes the doors open and you see a massive chamber just like pumping the music is playing there is a stage on the the far end of this chamber where uh tabaxi that's cat people folks they're a band they're playing the the boston nova music there are people

from all different walks of life here. There's all sorts of different species and races and, uh, and, uh, uh, I said species already. There's all sorts of different people here. Different ages. They're all dancing. They're all having a delightful time. There is a muscular shirt. wizard behind the bar who seems to be tending the very well-stocked bar. There are tiny wizards flying all around in the air, casting different illusionary spells of different...

different light quality. They seem to be making it sort of look like a bunch of psychedelic gobos are going. And there are up in cages above everybody. pleasure golems, which are massive, headless humanoids covered in mouths are dancing and writhing suggestively. Welcome! Trademark it. This is it. I put a trademark on them in and out of canon. Real quick. How do we know that the muscular man behind the bar is a wizard? He...

Has a big wizard hat and a long white beard. Also real quick. I'm telling you now, I'm not shooting you dirty on this. Like, that means wizard to me. Yeah, yeah. Welcome to Scrums Pad. Wow.

Make yourselves at home. I have a little bit of business to attend to, but don't worry. All your questions will be answered in due time. Where are my parents? All your questions will be answered in due time. Don't worry, by the way, your parents are safe and having the time of their lives. Just not in this room. Not in this big room that has a lot of pleasure to offer.

That's kind of a relief, honestly. I'll be honest. I offered the room to your parents, and they chastely refused. I loved it. They edged me on that one. Oh, so they're like having pleasure in a more chaste room? Whoa, Bello! No, he's right, though. They're having pleasure in a more chaste room in a more chaste fashion. Calling it having pleasure is a bit misleading, but it's the term I'm using. May I ask, while we're here waiting for you, what do you recommend of the splendors in this room?

Well, you can't go wrong with having a drink. You can't go even wronger with having a dance. And, well, if you have a conversation, you can go wrong with that. There's some real jerks in here. Fellow, I'm gonna get you a mimosa.

I don't know if I accept. As an apology for insulting you? Yes, quite a place, isn't it? Yeah, wow. Pleasures abound. Pardon? Pleasures abound. Oh! You're not just tooting fancy, because this is actually a very special day we've had you in here. This is my birthday. Yeah, you said that several times. You said every day is your birthday. That's right, but today...

is also my birthday. And you know what we do on my birthday, don't you? No. How could you? You've never been here before. Right. On my birthday, we have a little song. Oh. Nice. Do you know when it starts? I'll tell you when. It starts whenever I say it does. Everyone listen up! My birthday song is about to begin. A large cage is lowered from the mirrored ceiling, and it slowly...

slowly lowers until it is about 15 feet off the ground. And a creature you can't quite place, but it's one of those beautiful creatures you've ever... ever seen in your life, opens its mouth and begins singing. the Pope's forgiveness. You lease out wedding rings. You are suburban. All the words that fill your penance. You're owed a dime each time a dime. Brushes against a quarter. Our chief export is elegance. And you're our chief expo-

Happy birthday. What did you think of the song? It was nice. Just nice? Well, I'll leave you to it. Have fun, have fun. He walks away very quickly. The group turns to the bar. And unseen behind them, the cage is lifted back up into the ceiling. A beautiful song sung beautifully, but not beautifully enough. Guards, kill her. Wait, what? No!

No, but I sang the song just as you asked. Yes, but my guest didn't love it. The hatch that had allowed the cage down in the first place is left closed, crushing the singer inside of the cage. No, traitor! No! No! She screams beautifully as blood is sprayed all over. Scrum is loving it. So you're apologizing to me, that's what you're... Yeah, I'm apologizing.

I didn't... Before I said... Before I... I didn't mean that everyone likes you because you look good. People love you because you look good. I mean, you do look good. Yeah, they love you for... Albie! So many reasons, I... Didn't even need to put yourself in that one, but there you go. That's what Albie says. Everyone likes you for a lot of different reasons, too. Like me. And I'm sorry. So, we would be friends if I wasn't hot.

Yes. Yeah. It's what I'm saying. I love precious things. All right. Let's have a mimosas, bro. I think a round of mimosas would be wonderful. Let's have a round of mimosas. Thank you. I'll do it. Okay. We're good. We're good.

So a stir fry goes to the bar to get two mimosas, not one for your bones, but one for him and one for Willow. Okay, great. The wizard bartender, he looks you up and down. He is more ripped than Bellow and even more shirtless. Uh, he looks you up and down. My, my, my. Well, what'll it be, chief? Out of the frying pan into the fire of hot friends. Hi, I'm Stir Fry. Will you be my friend?

Yes, certainly. Yay! What do you want to drink? Two mimosas, please. Two mimosas? That's orange juice and vodka. I know how to make a mimosa. I thought that. And that's not it. Screwdriver! Oh, yes! My mistake! That will be one mimosa and one screwdriver. What do you think's in a mimosa? A mimosa? Yeah. Is it champagne and orange juice? No! Okay, then is it cranberry juice and whiskey rye? Cranberry juice and whiskey rye? In the world of Cordelia? Yes, that's what a mimosa is.

I guess I'll take two of that, please. All right, you want a mimosa and no screwdriver? I'll take two mimosas instead. Two mimosas and one screwdriver. Okay, why not? There's no reason. You know how much it costs? Uh, I guess I have the symptoms around the house over here. That's right, they are! Hey! This is all right! What was your name? My name? Yes. Wizardly! Wizardly! He, like, sits up on the bar and puts his hand on his chin. What troubles ya? Ow!

No, you got a heavy heart. What's going on? Well, if you really want to know, I feel like I hurt my friend, but even before that, I feel like I got out of something bad. There was a guy who was just being mean to me all the time, and I gave him whatever he wanted. I tried so hard, but he kept on being mean. And now I'm going to be nice to myself for once. He throws a towel over his shoulder like Sam Malone. Wow, that's a real rough one. I'm glad you got yourself out of that.

Yeah, the problem is he's in my group of friends. He's in your group of friends? Yes. What are you going to do? I don't know. I guess just try my best to show him that I'm better off without him. Okay, well, I had a problem. Maybe this will help. Okay. This is how I solved it. I used to have a problem. There was this real mean guy in town who would come around and bite me. Okay. Here's the problem, though. He was my best friend.

Now this is a problem I understand. I'm sorry, what did you do? Well, ultimately what I did was I kept being alive while he died. Oh, well, death is the only kiss that I can say.

Works on me. Really? That's sad. All sorts of kisses work on me. Really? Yeah. Aww. What kind of kisses? Let me show you. He leans in and he, like, plants one right on your forehead. Wowee! See? I knew you were lying. You're right. I was just trying to be a dark guy. You know how there's dark guys who, like, love... Darkness? Yeah, I know those kind of guys. There's one over there. He, like, points right next to you at the bar, and there is a...

Full-on, like, dark paladin in, like, also, like, Vampire Hunter D armor. He's just, like, sitting at the bar. He, like, scowls at you. Trying a little hard, isn't he? I think he is. That's what I told him. And you know what he did? What? He turns around, and there's, like, a... Huge gaping wound on his back. He caught me! Oh, my goodness. Hey, excuse me, sir. You should apologize to my friend Wizardly. He is not a very big fan of being cut in half by a knife. No, I didn't say that. Wait, what?

I said I didn't say that. Oh, do you like being cut by a big sword or knife? Not usually, but something about that one just did it for me. You see, I knew it. All the dark brooding guys get all the glamour. Bellow walks over. Uh, do you need... Do you need help? I can, like, heal that. What? I can heal that giant wound. You can? Yeah, like, we all noticed that a couple people fainted out on the dance floor. Yeah.

I think you're losing a lot of blood, my man. Yeah. Okay, turn around. Okay. Bellow casts Cure Wounds on Wizardly. Great. It works. Great. Yeah, his wound closes right up, and he looks back at you. Wow, you helped me. I had a big old wound on my back, and you cleaned it up for me. No problem, dude. Now, where's that mimosa? Oh, yes. One for you, and one for me, and none for you, Mr. DeBonesby!

Bella takes a drink. Ooh, this has got plenty of whiskey rye. Can I have a mimosa for me and my best friend Cordelia? Oh, I didn't see you walk up there! Yeah, we just came back. Wait, what? Huh? I... Why not? I'm like, I'm across the dance floor. Like, what did he say? There is a, there's a massive tiefling just like grinding on you. Is the bones be dancing? Not really.

You're being danced on right now. A big old tiefling is just like going hog wild on you right now. Excuse me. I leave the situation to find out what's going on with these drinks. Cool. Oh, look. Look, the gang's all here. One, two, three, four, five. How did you know this was the whole gang? I don't know. You guys just, you have a vibe about you. Is this another bartender that likes to be beat up? No.

Is that maybe a pattern in this world? Are you talking about Punished Travis? Yeah, you know him? Yeah, bartenders all know each other. Hey, wait, you know, sorry, I didn't catch your name. Wizardly. Wizardly, I'm Albie. Okay. Is your name just Lee? And you're a wizard? No, it's wizardly! Okay, okay. So, we were just at the... The Delighted Wife? We were just at the Delighted Wife, and... So, I'm assuming you know Cretus. Yeah, but...

Conversation would be much nicer once everyone has a beverage. What do you want? I want a mimosa. All right. Supposed to be getting mimosas. Just looking right at stir-fry. Just, like, baffled. Yes, or maybe someone can ask for his own mimosa for once and get his own mimosa when he gets it rather than...

Rye whiskey and cranberry juice. Yes, I know it's an image, huh? Yeah, but sometimes it's helpful for me to repeat it. Can I have an Irish coffee? Absolutely you can, which is a coffee with a little Irish in it. He turns around, and he looks at you while he does this, and there is an Irish human. Get over here, you! What? No, I'm sorry. I was thinking of Bailey's. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You want Bailey. Or maybe Kahlua? What's that?

She wants a cream liqueur. Oh, you want a cream liqueur. It gives you a big stage wink. I know what that means. Goodness, sir. What? Wait. But should we see what it is? Yeah, yeah, okay. He just, like, goes straight, like he's on an elevator or something, he just, like, lowers straight down, comes right back up, holding a big cup of what appears to be a cream liqueur. Oh, wow.

Thank you. This looks lovely. Take a big sip of that for me. Oh, God, this is just vibes of bad news, but okay. She smells it. How are Bellow and Stirfire reacting to this giant glass of milk liquid? Bellow's really more interested in the Irishman. Okay. Bellow beckons towards him. Were you going to put that guy in the drink? You talking to me or the guy? I'm asking the guy. Yeah. What? I'll try that. Yeah, you want a bit of me? Yes. Hey, what? Wait, wait. What?

Are you okay with a bit of you? No, I'm not okay with it, but I did me crime. I got to do me time. Oh, what was your crime? You don't want to know. We don't see a lot of Irish in these parts. Yeah, well, now you do. Uh, I... Cordelia... gingerly touches her tongue to the liquid. Alright. And then she takes a big gulp of it. Roll a d6. Oh shit. Four. Wow! You loved it!

Evens are, you loved it. Odds are it's not for you. Oh, guys, I love this. Ooh, can I try? Yes. Alvy takes a sip. Can you roll a D6? Yeah. Six? You loved it more. Ooh! That's good, right? Can we have two straws? Absolutely. You can also have your own. They're free. I want to share. Okay. All right. I'll bite. Bella takes a sip. Yeah. Roll a d6.

I didn't hand it. Okay. Five. Not for you. Not for you. Oh, Bill, you're wrong. It's so good. It's so good. Hey, I'm not wrong. It's just my taste. I want the Irish. You want the Irish guy? Yes. All right, here you go. He just like... Grabs the guy and brings him over to the side of the bar for you. He's all yours. Hello, Irish. Hello. How do we make a drink out of you? Well...

There's a lot of different answers. What's your name? Excuse me? What's your name? Ah, jeez. I don't want to say. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm going to get in trouble. It sounds like you're already in trouble. Yeah, you're going to get in more trouble.

Um, Albie and Cordelia have their straws and they're sort of off on the side. I'm embarrassed. About the milk? It's delicious. No, no, no, the milk's great. I'm not, there's nothing embarrassing about this. Um, I'm just embarrassed about... how I yelled at you oh well it's okay I mean we talked about it we're just both really stressed and well yeah but it's it's not okay and I shouldn't have done that it's a it's a me thing and I'm sorry

And you didn't deserve that, and you have every right to search for a biological family. Well, thank you for saying that. I mean, I did hate fighting with you. Yeah, I mean, that's our longest fight. I hated a lot. Yeah, I didn't like it either. I felt pretty sick about it. It wasn't good. But wait! What? Did you see how Stir Fry is talking to DeBonesby now? Yeah. What?

I know, but also, like, is Javon's being an okay guy? Do you think that's the guy that he was talking to me about earlier? Wizardly is, like, right in between you guys. Whoa! Is there a third straw in the cup? Yeah, he's got a third straw in there. Let me actually, I'm going to roll a d6. Ah, this sucks! I hate this drink, but I gotta know. Do you think that's the guy? He was telling me he's trying to cut a toxic presence out of his life. Yes, it definitely is. Yeah, for sure.

I mean, it's been, there's a really bad power dynamic there. But I kind of think T'Bouncy's coming around, which doesn't make up for, you know, past flaws or anything. Bartender! Bartender! Yeah, I'm the bartender! Snapping my bones together. Yeah, he, like...

Siddle's over to you. This Irish won't tell me how to drink it. Oh, sure, sure. Here's what you got. You want a straw? Is that how it's done? Yeah, for most people. Yes. All right, here you go. I'm going to give you this straw, put it in his mouth. Okay. All right. And just drink. All right. Don't. No. All right. You drink. No, you drink and drink. And as you drink, can you roll a D6 for me? Mm-hmm. Four.

A delicious liquid just comes up out of this guy. You're just drinking out of his mouth, putting it right into yours, and it tastes delicious. And he's just, your eyes are, like, right next to each other. You're just looking directly into his eyes. I just, I...

I, like, take my mouth off the straw in shock. I have not experienced a... pleasure of such since i've taken this form and he strokes the the irishman's cheek see he's connecting to people thank you so much for this gift not a fan the irish guy sort of like holds his hand to his face, and the straw has fallen out of his mouth. He puts it back in sort of the side of his mouth. He goes, hey, drink up, laddie. Hey, thank you. I'll never run dry. Just go right for it.

Chowing down. This is as close to a religious experience as you've had in the game so far. I cannot describe to you how good this guy tastes. Food has meant nothing to me for years now. I can taste again. Thank you, Irish. Thank you. He very, like, brusquely and sort of casually just, like, shakes your hand while you drink from his mouth. I can't believe. Yes, we are in a relationship.

I can't believe this is the outcome of that setup. Honestly, weird, right? Yeah. Oh, hey, so, Wizardly. Yeah? So, Cretus was here two years ago. To the day. Well, punished. Punish Travis? Yeah. He said that... You're under no obligation to remember his name. I imagine he made a small impression on you at best. He was pretty memorable. Yeah.

But when we were at the Delighted Wife, we found out that Kretis was thrown out there, too. Yeah, Kretis gets kicked out of a lot of places. That's pretty legit, though, right? Is it because he's so powerful? No. No? What do you mean, no? I mean, you know, he would just stay in the bar and drink if he was powerful, you know? Wait, what? Like if he could fight back. No.

Bello, I got the gist, but I just don't believe it. Like if people were intimidated by him. They have to be intimidated by him. He's Cretus. He's the hero monk. He created the way of the four elements. Yeah, yeah. Wizardly, is it like that he calls upon the four elements and then they cause a ruckus? It's too intense? Yeah, I mean, I know the story's like 40 years ago, sure.

but, you know, Creed is two years ago. It's a different guy. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah. Happens to the best of us. Okay, I just want to... Not you, Wizardly. You're in tip-top shape. Thank you so much. I keep my body in excellent condition. Do you want to know how old I am? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. All right, I'll tell you. I'm 19.

Okay. I'm 19. Yeah? Yeah. We're the same. Yeah, we are. The only difference is our bodies, our personalities, and probably a lot of other things. I don't know you that well. Yeah.

No, that's a safe bet. Hey, Wizardly. Yeah? What are the other, like, pleasure rooms in Scrum's pad? Well, there's one for every sin. Sin? What sin is this? Dancing? What? This room? No, this is just the main one. Oh, the main... This is the main chamber. Oh, oh, oh. And there's different rooms that sort of... It's like an onboarding chamber. Yeah, absolutely. Any sin you can think of, there's a room dedicated to it. What's the room like for Henry?

Envy? Yeah. Well, you'll have to go in and find out. I've never been inside myself because I'm happy with my life. Good for you. Thank you so much. Starfire, do you want to go check it out? Yeah, go do it. Let's go live. Starfire! You have to taste this Irish. Yes, I sure do. Maybe one day I'll order myself by Mr. DeBurn. No, have this one. I'll share it with you. You should enjoy this. Take a sip of me.

I'll be me. No. No? Come, Cordelia. Let's go find a room to be envious of. No, no, no, no. It's the best thing I've ever tasted. You should know what it tastes like so that you can try to replicate it. Yes, it's fun. It's exciting. See, he's making eye contact to Cordelia. Stir Fry is making eye contact with Cordelia. I know, I know. I want him to be doing better. What's going on? I don't understand. Where's the envy room?

Okay, well, if you go over just to the edge of this big room, there's different rooms that sort of split off from there. Not all of them come off of this room, though. I wouldn't be able to tell you where Envy is. Oh. So are there, like... They're, like, your classic sins, like the seven? Or are there more? Yeah, we got the seven. Okay. We got Waspleg here, which is wrath, avarice, sloth, pride, lust, envy, greed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought one of the sins was wasps. That is one. Oh. It's a sin to be a wasp. Don't go in that room. That sounds horrible. Yeah, you don't want to go in there. I feel like last would probably be the most fun, but I'm just curious what that would be like.

Wizardly, do you want to come with us? Well, I would, but I'm tending bar. Do you get paid? No. Then come on. But I get hurt if I leave. But you like getting hurt. No, I don't. I liked getting hurt that one time. I think there was something on that sword. When's your shift over? Never. Bad labor practices. Yeah, I don't know what that means, though. When you say never, do you mean you're just in a crunch period? No, I mean I never leave.

But also, I never get tired and I never age. Albie, uh... Albie's... been growing increasingly skeptical as this whole speech is going on and she kind of looks over to Mr. DeBonesby and then she sidles up to him and she goes what is the deal with this place that they're keeping my parents in? I don't know yet. Have you tried the Irish? No, no. You all should try it. No, Mr. DeBonesby, I'm asking him. His liquid.

I'm asking if it's like under a spell or something. Oh, you want me to find out? Yes. Yeah. This is tough. I am. I don't have the command of my full intricate magics that I once did. I can tell there's a lot of magic going on. You can just see it. I could really only identify one specific thing, and this is loaded. I don't think I can pull off a general vibe. Bello, yeah? Yes, Bello.

I know detect magic. Okay. So do I. Look, use your eyeballs. There's magic everywhere. Detect it. But I know it. Don't waste it. Oh. It's here. Forget it. It was stupid. No, no, Bello. I think you should detect magic.

I think you should do whatever the fuck you want. All right, I'm going to cast Detect Magic. Yeah, what are you going to cast it on? The room. The room? Yeah. All right, cool. There is nothing about the room itself that is magic. It is a mundane room, but you can tell just from doing that that it is... Packed to the brim with all sorts of different spells and cantrips. And most of them are just illusionary. But you can tell there are some curses are definitely in place in this place.

My magical druid powers, I can definitely confirm that there is a lot of magic going on here. Oh, look. Using my wizardly... I don't have eyeballs. Hmm. Hmm. Nope. You won that one. I tried to sass you, and I got sassed myself. Wizardly, are there any rooms in here that aren't dedicated to a sin? Oh, of course. There's plenty. Oh, cool. But those are scrums rooms, and you're not allowed to go in there.

So the only place that people who aren't scrum can be are sin rooms? Yeah, or they can leave. But you can't leave. Yeah, but I don't. I work here. Okay. So what room are Albie's parents in? I don't know. But I know that he keeps prisoners upstairs. Prisoners? Well, are they prisoners? I don't know. Yes. Probably. I thin sliced you guys. Yeah, I could sort of tell. Okay, then we should go upstairs.

Okay. Or the envy room. I don't know what's more important to you. No, yeah, where's the stairs? I, yeah. Okay, so there's two ways. You could either go out the front door and walk up the stairs, or... You could maybe try to, like, throw a rope up and, like, climb up to where the pleasure golems are and, like, swing from one of those and break through one of the windows and, like, get into one of the rooms up that way. Albie's already getting out a rope.

That would probably do it. Bella's already walking up the stairs. Is that not discouraged in this room? No, I'm having a good time. There's nothing wrong with that. Oh, of course. The basic philosophy. Um, LB is, you know, she's got, she's formed a lasso, and she is swinging the rope, aiming for one of the pleasure golems. Can you roll a dex? Yes. Um... Uh, 21. Whoa, all right. Yeah. It lassos around the pleasure golem's, like, bicep. Uh-huh. It's a really buff.

thing but it's covered in mouths and the mouths on its arm just start like kissing the rope which is like lassoed around it and it sort of flexes and pulls up, and everybody, like, cheers. Like, several, like, flying wizards, like, all shine lights on it, and it, like, it has a rope around its arm, and it's, like, it's incorporating it into the dance now. Okay, so I'm gonna...

Climb up it. Sure. Okay. It does. Okay. It's not the easiest climb you've ever had in your life. But yeah, you can get up there. So you're now on the edge of this cage. It's probably about 20, 25 feet off the ground. Okay. There should be a window in my line of sight, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to try. And so this is on like a like a swinging platform or. No, this is like on a chain hanging from the from the ceiling. And it's like a cage.

Okay, cool. And you're on the outside of the cage, and the pleasure golem is on the inside of the cage, dancing and blowing kisses at you with its entire body. If I'll be like... kind of pushes her weight forward and backwards, does the cage swing? Yeah, absolutely. It has a lot of give and would definitely be able to do that. Okay, so I start swinging the cage to get some momentum. Great. Can you just do a strength roll for me here? Yeah. 21 again.

Great. All right. You really get that thing swinging now. Everyone is cheering the pleasure golem on the inside. It's like... It is on, it is like holding the edges of the cage and just like really going for it. Cool. And it's... Albie is like... I was feeling like weirdly turned on by this, but she's like, not now. And then she. I don't think it's weird. That's the point of a pleasure golem. Yeah. She she leaps towards the window as the.

as the cage reaches the highest point of its arc. Okay, great. This is going to be another... I'm going to do an acrobatics check for this one. This will be the one I fail. Watch. I'll see what happens.

It is a critical fail. Wow. Okay. You go to swing and release at the very crest, but the pleasure golem grabs you by the ankle and... holds onto you and sort of drags you back as it swings the other way, and it sort of just, like, uses the momentum to throw you in the other direction at a totally, totally different window. Through it, and you roll, and you are now in a, what appears to be... A sort of a sleazily decorated hotel room. A very tall and...

like impeccably dressed elf turns around in the middle of undress and like shrieks at you. Oh, oh, hi. Sorry. I'm having an affair. Well. Albie mutters dibs under her breath to nobody. Carly. Allie. Tell me everything you know about Patreon. Everything I know about Patreon. Okay. It's an online platform. We're on it and we use it to...

Give people cool stuff that you don't just get from listening to the podcast. What podcast? Rude Tales of Magic. That's what I want to hear. Yes. So we're on Patreon. If you become a patron. other people who are listening. You're going to get all kinds of cool shit. This is a really great clubhouse and you want to be a part of it. That's true. Speaking of clubhouse, I mean, one of the perks that I think you get at every level of patronage is you get to join our Discord.

which is how you say discord with an Irish accent. Discard. Oh, you gotta join the discard. I think we're good, right? That's it? Yeah. Settled. That's the only thing you get. And also, do you get it at every level? I think so. What about the $1 people? $1 people don't. Turn us up, Taylor! Every time we do a bad take, you have to turn us louder. The problem is we're not loud enough. I can still hear my own thoughts.

New Year, same extra-value meals at McDonald's. So now, get two snack wraps, plus fries, and a medium-soft drink for just $8. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Sorry. I'm having an affair. Well. Albie mutters dibs under her breath to nobody. With me? Um.

Sorry, you weren't supposed to hear that. There's only the two of us in here. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh my gosh. I came here to have an affair and was stood up. What a fool. Me? No, the person who stood you up. I can't believe I'm talking about this out loud. It was my life's dream to have an affair. Sorry, you're... I was born married. Wow. Don't dwell on it. Sorry. I just... Wow. It's fine. This was my one chance. Um... This is gonna really kill the mood, but I'm looking for my parents.

You're not wrong. She sort of like sits down in the bed and she pulls out a cigarette. Okay. They look like you. Yeah, yes, yes, they're both fawns. I might have seen some parents, uh, some fawn-looking parents in here. Oh, do you know where? Yeah, down the hall. I don't know which door. One of the ones going to be probably on the right. Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah. Albie starts to leave the room, and then she kind of awkwardly...

like, quickly leans in to, like, kiss around the mouth and then, like, realizes that she's mortified and stops and then runs out the door. An affair. Not quite.

Cordelia, when you see Albie thrown, what do you do? Okay, so I'm going to run outside to the stairs and run up the stairs and get to the window that Albie... was tossed through. Okay, great. So you're going to be mostly guessing because there's a lot of windows around this sort of circular chamber, all that lead to rooms. So you just run up the stairs and you're going to be, I'm actually going to have you roll a d20. Ooh, four.

in the fourth uh door okay uh you so you're gonna open the door and in there bust in the door like very bust in the door yeah um and you see a uh a mermaid yes uh on who is on a bed And the opposite of a mermaid, which is the lower body of a human, upper body of just like a trout. And to myself, I say, dibs on both. They both look at you and the mermaid shrieks and the trout says, Can I help you? Oh, uh, I, mm.

I was looking for my friend. Did you see a fawn run through? There are no friends here. We're settling a dispute. What dispute? Can you not guess? Uh, no. Then don't. Leave us. Okay. Is there another room in here or do I just walk back out? You got to walk out of this one. Yeah. All right. Can I try another room? Yeah, go for it.

You bust into the ninth room and there is a halfling just covered in ants screaming like, ah, ah, every bite, I feel everything. No, I just immediately leave and shut the door. No, no, no, but I like it. All right, roll again. 18. That's the Albie room. Yay! You bust in to see a...

Albie has already run out, however. You bust into seeing an elf smoking, sitting on the bed, looking sadly. She looks up, hopefully, at you. And I go to call dibs, and I realize, like, I feel like I'm not the first. I'm not going to call. Dibs have been placed. Okay, hey. I'm having an affair. Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt. I look around. You've interrupted nothing. I was stood up. Oh, oh no, I'm sorry. It's fine.

That's the worst. It is. My one chance at having an affair. Oh, you can have... There's gonna be tons of chances. You don't know my life. Oh, you're right. Thanks for getting it. Yeah. Did you see a fawn run through here? Yes, I did. She was looking for two fawns. Older. Her parents? Yes, that's the word. Yeah. Cool. Okay. Should you go that way? Yes.

Okay, I'm gonna go. She points to the way that she went. Just as she points, Bellow down on the main room, casts Jump on himself, and leaps up to the window. Okay, great. So just as Cordelia is leaving, you bust through this room and this elf. Looks at you with hope in her eyes. She has the cigarette in her fingers. I'm having an affair? Not with me. Bella, not with me. Cordelia. You know each other?

Yes. Yeah. We're friends. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm, as I said, having an affair. Okay. We're going to go. Bello. You're both going to go. You need him for whatever this is. Sorry, he's taken. Is he? He's taken. Let's settle this now. I need my affair. Yes, I think you're entitled to your affair, but...

What do you mean I'm taken? No, um, um, um, uh, we just gotta go. Okay. So Stir Fry has also been climbing up to get to the, to get to the window. Yeah, yeah. Um, so I'm gonna roll, uh. Roll an acrobatics check. An acrobatics, yeah, sure. Um. So yeah, I won. So you start crawling up the wall, and after about 10, 15 seconds, you realize, that's no wall at all, baby. You're crawling up the back of a Goliath.

who turns around and looks at you. Can I help you? I thought you were a wall with a window. I get that all the time. It's because of this hole in the back of my head. That's the one. That's the one. I thought it was a window. Touch my brain. Okay. I lick my little feathery finger and I touch the brain. My child! I can't believe you did it. They like run away. Now I'm running like a horse. This is fun. Ah, my dad. So that's what Sir Fry's up to. Now we flash back to the elf room.

Okay, look, best of luck with your affair. I think more people are going to be coming through. So you're not having the affair? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, this is not my affair. Okay. Yeah. It's my affair. Yes. Can we, Bella, we gotta go, right? I'm sorry, I'm just really confused. Are you saying that you called dibs on me? No. Oh my god. No offense. You are beautiful. But I feel like our chemistry is pretty flat.

Great. That's what I thought too. Awesome. That's cool, right? That's actually a really good place to be with somebody. Well, then you're free and you're not spoken for at all. No, no, no. And you're free for an affair if you'll have me. Do you know what an affair is? Yes. It's when a married person...

Goes with another. Are you married? Yes, I was born married. Oh, right. Born married. Yeah, don't dwell on it. We have to go. I'm sorry. Oh, come on. One affair? Maybe later. Quick one? A quick affair. I grab Bella's arm and we like run for the door. Okay, great. She looks at the camera like Jim Halpert.

She just can't have that affair. All right. So if you guys are all out in the hallway, then you're going to see Albie, who... ran out and is uh running up and down the hallway jesus b hey cord this is what i was this is what i was so upset about hey no we're better you move before you think oh um hey i'll go

No, why? Um, I just wanted, I need to go deal with a halfling covered in ants. What? No, I want you here when I find my parents. And Frederick took the stairs. Come on. Frederick, very just casually, he just walks up through the hallway. Are we picking at another door? Yes, yes. We should all try a different door. That'll speed it up.

Okay. Okay, cool. This next sequence, like, Pleasant Valley Sunday by the Monkees plays as you guys just run in and out of doors like a Scooby-Doo episode. Obviously, we're not going to actually play it, but... This next sequence, as you guys just run in and out of doors, one to the other. Sometimes you're chasing each other. Sometimes there's the Harlem Globetrotters dressed as ghosts are chasing you guys. Always just going back and forth.

I'm mixing a few different episodes up in my head. You guys run back and forth. There's all sorts of hilarious combinations of people going back and forth until finally you run into one room and the music cuts out. This room is just like all the others. However... There are two people inside of it who are very familiar to Albie. Two middle-aged fawns covered in gray hair look at Albie. One with heavy eyebrows.

A gut he's been trying to lose for a decade and thinning fur around the top of his head. The other, with a face full of worry lines and shoulder-length wavy hair. These are her parents. Her father's face is luminous with joy, but is completely silent, overcome with emotion. Her mother stands off to the side in silent disbelief, smiling for what looks to be the first time in weeks.

Without thinking, Albie rushes over to her father and grabs him in an athletic bear hug. Not even thinking about what she's doing, she lifts him up over her head, overcome with joy and emotion. He melts in her arms and begins hugging her back. Her mother approaches. Albie! Yeah? Yeah? You're alive! Yeah! I thought I was so scared.

I saw the house. I saw it. I saw everyone was gone. I knew it. I knew you were alive. You did? Everyone said you were dead, but I knew your dad said you were dead. I did. I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead. I'm sorry. I'm glad you're alive. I'm very glad you're alive. I'm sorry. I'm so glad. Mom, Dad, some really horrible things have happened. I was just so scared I just had to find you, but... Well, you found us. We're doing good.

This big frog guy has got us in a bedroom. Yeah, why did he take you? Well, because we wouldn't sell the house. Because he wouldn't sell the house. Yeah, he wanted to buy the house. I said, I'm never going to sell this house, you know. I love this house. It's a house that raises a family. Yeah, it's a great house. Yeah, so I said, I'm not going to sell the house. And he said, you know, all right, okay.

then we're going to have to come to another arrangement, and I thought he was going to offer us more money. At a certain point, you know, I would say yes to the money. Dad. What? I'm just saying. You know, money's money. Look, it's... I'm not. What are we going to do with money? I just, you know, it's not free to raise, I believe, 24 kids at last count. That is, we're just, there's 11 of us. There's 11 of us.

11 of you. 11, yes. I was thinking it was more than twice as many of you. Casper. Something really bad happened to Casper. Was he in trouble? The girl trouble? I'll be just looking around. Hoping maybe someone else can tell them or that she doesn't have to. Depends he's pulling on his collar dramatically. Just kind of staying in the back of the... Mr. and Mrs. Don, he...

He was killed. We couldn't save him. He was what? We couldn't save him. There was a monster. We tried to outrun him, and we tried. It was... Wait, hold on. He was killed? Where? When? What are you talking about? We were running from this monster in the teenage woods. By your house. And... We thought we'd outrun him and we'd stopped for a second and then Casper was just...

He was ripped apart, but the good news is that I'm I'm gonna become a monk of the four elements and I had this dream and now hold on hold on He was killed by a mom. He was ripped apart. Your mom is just completely silent and she's like looking at you oddly. He was ripped apart? Yeah, yeah. So he's dead? Well...

I'm not sure. I had this dream that said that he wasn't. Albie, he's not dead. What do you mean? I know he's not dead. You weren't dead. I know he's not dead. He's just not dead. I know when my kids are dead. Well... Okay, well... Okay, I'm so... Honestly, so... Honey, your dad turns... Honey, I think we need to consider that this might be a real... That this might not be, like, a joke. This might be a real... Well, but it's not a joke, but...

But my dream... I would never... I'm not accusing you of making a joke. You understand. I just... He ripped apart. I saw it. I saw it. It was terrible. Well, we haven't seen you for two years. You were dead, by the way. I know, it's so strange because it feels like it wasn't that long ago since I saw you.

But that's what Casper said, too, when I saw him. No, two years ago, we... And then your mom sort of, like, she holds a finger. She goes, this is it. This is what I was talking about. This is what I was saying. Two years ago, what happened? Why did she die? Why would... Why is she... This doesn't... And see, so here she is. Two years ago, everyone suddenly said you were dead, and that didn't make any sense to me, right?

Right. It doesn't make sense to me either. And here you are alive. And now you're telling me Casper's dead. That doesn't make sense to me either. But we saw it happen. We did see it happen. What did you see happen, specifically? So there's a demon. Right. And he touched Casper and he absorbed Casper. So Casper's in it. Well, he sort of turned inside out, didn't he? Yeah. Okay.

But you saw him. We saw his body. I'm sorry. I don't buy it. You don't buy that I saw it? I buy that you saw it. I don't buy that that's dead. I think this is fascinating. I'm sorry, who are you? Hello, my name is Sir Frederick de Bonesby, and I'm very intrigued by the fact that you seem to be the one person who has been immune to whatever sort of strange illusion or time magic or...

dimension hopping we've been through through the sense of you knowing that your children are alive despite all other witnesses seeing otherwise. Very interesting. Are you immune to infernal magic or something? I don't... What? Are you immune to infernal magic? I don't know the magics. I'm sorry. I don't mess with that stuff. Oh, yeah. I don't really. Do the words Polaris University mean anything to you? I don't know what that is. Mom, that's the school that... That's how I know Cordelia.

Not quite the full theory that I had in mind. Wait a second! How do we know Cordelia? She's like, now she's like in your dad's face. See, this is what I'm talking about. Who is this? Why do we know her? This is my friend Cord. When did we... I'm talking to your... I'm sorry. I love... I'm so good to see you. I love you too. When... Did we meet her? During parents weekend. What is that? It was. Why do. This is what I'm saying. Alfred. Why do we know this.

I want to say bear. I'm so sorry. Oh, mom. Gorilla. Mom. Oh, my God. I don't have. She's a Sasquatch. I'm a little older. I'm sorry. What is the word? No, I'm a Sasquatch. Okay. I don't know what that is. Why do I know you? Because I'm your daughter's best friend. When did you meet her? We met like the first day of freshman year. How many years ago? Two.

See? So she should have been dead. Why do we know this person that you met after you died? See? This is what I'm saying. This is why it doesn't add up. There's little things that I noticed that don't make any sense. No, you're right. It doesn't make any sense. Mr. DeBonesby, can you make any sense of it? Only my previous observations. I'm so sorry. Who are you? And... I'm not to be rude. You're... Skeleton. No skin, right? Yes. Okay.

Is that embarrassing? I'm sorry. What do I call him? I don't know what I wanted you to say. It's fine. He's a lich. No, I'm actually not. He's not a lich. Oh, if I was, I would not be here. He'd love it. Tell you what. And who are, so your, I'm sorry, your name? Mom, this is Mr. DeBonesby, and this is my, um, this is... Hi, I'm, hi, Mrs. Don. I'm, I'm Belotheon, but my friends call me Bello. Well, then I'll call you... You seem okay. I'll call you Bello. Cool. She looks at Albie and she like...

Elby pulls her turtleneck over her face. Don't do that. You have a nice face. Show it. We want to see the face. Okay. Why would you hide your face? It's half my face, so that's a little, you know, with your mother.

No, I didn't mean it that way. Well, it comes off, you know, just so you know. Okay, fine. It's a beautiful face. This is Alfred. This is what I'm talking about. Little things don't add up. Our daughter is alive, which I told you. Can you see this?

And then Cordelia casts a minor illusion using infernal magic. It's just going to be like a little flame illusion. Oh, my God. Put that out. Put that out. She, like, taps it. Okay. We're inside. What are you doing? No, it was fake. It was an illusion. I just... I was just curious if a certain type of magic was something that you were not...

capable of experiencing which might be why i don't do the magic if i can help it it's dangerous really interested in any of that stuff you know and then uh alfred sort of leans on uh he puts a leg up on the bed i actually did a little bit of magic uh No, I did. I did. I did a little bit of magic. From outside the door, you can hear the stripper saying, let's just let this be what it was. Something amazing.

But I can't commit to you. You're married, for goodness sake. But I was born married. I've got a child, for goodness sake. But fine, so what? You want to take care of Flip Cop? No, we can run away, just the two of us. Stir Fry, get in here. One second. I'm not like you. I've got responsibilities, and I have to stick by them. Oh, I will never forget you. And I will never forget you. Give me one more pop of that cigarette. Yes, here you go.

Then we do the kiss and the smoke comes out. Wait, before you go, what was your name? My name? It's stir fry, bitch. Excuse me? You want to do that again? Okay, okay. But wait, before you go. Yes? What was your name? Stir fry. Stir fry. And this is my friend Flip Cup. Okay. Well, I had a good time. Me too. Take your cigarette back. You should stop smoking. It's bad for your health. What is it about?

She walks away just confusedly. And then he can hear what's going on, so he finds the right door pretty quickly. Hey, everyone. Where'd you want? Oh, well, hello there. You must be all these parents. Mom, Dad, this is my friend, Stir Fry. Who's this guy?

This guy's funny. I like him. Thank you. He's a funny guy. Thank you. My name's Steph. Do you have jokes? Do you do jokes? Oh, Dad, come on. No, I got some jokes. I got a joke or two. Oh, don't tell your jokes. I won't tell him in mixed company. Yeah, you're in mixed company. You like him. Wait till you see Flip Cup.

Oh, check this guy out. Hoo-hoo, he's my little friend. I toss flip-flop-flop in the air. You can throw him up and down. You can catch him. You can throw him upside down. You can throw him right up again. And look at him fly. Hey! Flip Cup just sort of flutters to the ground. I love it. This guy's funny. This is a funny guy. Your daddy's cool. I like him. People aren't funny anymore. I agree. What? Ned, can we focus up please? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You gotta stop with that. People aren't funny anymore. They're just not. It really dates you. They're just not. It's just not. I don't get it. I don't know. I get it. People want to be all like, people want to be serious about this. Stir fry. This is serious. Ew, I'm sorry. So, Albie, this is what I'm saying. You're alive. I'm telling you, Casper is alive. I would know. Well, where do you think he is? I mean, we watched him.

Get ripped apart. Where could he be? I don't know. Wherever he is, he's ripped apart and alive. Mom, do you believe I have the power to find him and save him? Sweetie, you know, you could do a lot of things. Right. Like, I can save Casper. If you put your mind to it, but I think we should maybe call a professional. Call a professional?

As you say that, there is all sorts of very loud commotion coming from outside the window looking down into the chamber. Do we look down? It's up to you. I'm just letting you know there's a lot of... sudden noise coming from down there. I want to check out that commotion going down in the chamber. Something's happening, yes. I too want to see what's happening. Okay, be careful.

I was just going to peek out the window. Yeah, I'm just going to look at the window. Okay, cool. You guys like Marx Brothers up the window? Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, all your little heads poke up through the window. Boop, boop, boop, boop. And you see, looking down at the... chamber, you see what looks to be a warrior of some sort. There's no other way to put it. They are in heavy...

Heavy armor, heavy steel-plated armor. They have a massive, I'm talking fucking anime-sized sword on the back of them. And they are holding up a troll's head, severed head by its long blonde hair. Oh my gosh, it's penis. Bon, penis, and yarrow. That was the only one who learned the name. We learned part of it. People have scattered. The hero, this figure, throws the head down to the ground. People scatter and looks out and takes his helm off. Hot guy. Oh, nice.

Yeah, this is a really, like, this is a classically handsome human who looks around and surveys the room. Bring me Scrum Fabulous. Whoa. I said now. People start scattering and running in all sorts of different directions. Is this a good diversion for us to get out of here? Oh. Albie's dad looks out there. Oh, boy. That's going to be a big one. What do you mean? It could be a big scrap.

Yeah, I think we should get you guys out of here. Yes, you're prisoners. Is that right? Yeah, we can't leave. Oh, this sounds like a wonderful time to change this. Well, that's the thing, though, because you look here and he pulls his like pant leg up and his. His lower leg is pretty badly burned. Dad! It's okay! I tried to leave. Did the chain do that to you? It burns to leave. Which he did warn us about. And your mom just sort of like...

She sadly, she like shakes her head. She warned us like four times. Perhaps before the handsome warrior destroys your captor, maybe make sure that the curses are removed first and we should go speak to him? Oh, that's a good point. Okay. Do curses outlive their creators? Curses can do anything. Awful. Love a good curse. I don't want to leave my parents, though. All right, I'll go do it.

Great. Thank you. Yeah, great. I'll go talk to him. Hold on. Frederick, so you walk out. There's no harm to you as you walk out of this room into the hallway. Where are you heading now? Just walking very confidently. Yeah. You do the keep on trucking. Yeah, like I've lived in this house for a week already. Yeah. Which direction? Are you heading down back into the chamber to look for Scrum? I'm going to talk to the hero. Okay, great.

Yeah. Cool. So you walk down the stairs and you walk through the double sort of mucusy doors. People are scattered and it's pretty tense in there. Just marching right through the fray. Cool. The hero is brandishing his sword. He goes, where are you, scrum? Where are you, chicken? Excuse me. Who the hell are you? Hello, my name is Sir Frederick de Bonesby. What's that mean to me?

Probably nothing. Yeah. That's fine. You ask my name. Anyway. What do you want? Ah. You got scrum for me? No. Then you don't mean shit to me, pal. Sorry. All right. Friends of ours, parents are prisoners of Scrum. Okay. Under a curse. And I'm assuming you plan on killing Scrum. Yeah.

Could we make sure that any of the curses of his various prisoners are released before you do that? I'm sorry, you got a favor to ask me before I kill Scrum Fabulous? What else do you want me to do? You want me to wipe your ass for you? People sort of like laugh. He like puts his hands up and people laugh at that. Yes. From the window. No, no, no. I just summed you a typical hero type and you're in it for the glory and the freeing of the...

Prisoners and stuff? No, this is personal. This is between me and Scrum. Oh, all right. So unless you got Scrum for me, don't bother. All right. Very well. And he starts to walk away just a little bit. He's just like... We need to find scrum first before he does. It kind of jogs back up the stairs.

As you say that, the doors to the lust room open wide and Scrum emerges soaking wet with a little paper crown on the top of... His head goes, I heard somebody's looking for Scrum Fabulous. Oh no. The hero looks up and goes, Scrum, you've met your match.

It's your final date. Do you have any last words? Scrum laughs at this and he tries to get everybody laughing as well. They're just like sort of charisma-ing trying to get everybody to like laugh on their side. Yeah, I've got a last word for you. How about this one? Fuck off, you little bitch. Everybody laughs. Whoa. At that. The hero draws his sword. And as he does, Scrum sort of like, he looks over to the side sort of like.

Frederick, as you're looking, the hero is in between you and Scrum, and Scrum sort of like pokes his head around the side and looks right at you, Frederick. Are you there? Yes. I, uh... We actually didn't get a ton of time to talk through what I need from you guys, so I'm gonna have to make this really quick, alright? Okay. Can you be a little messenger boy for me? Uh... I'll...

You can be a big messenger boy, whatever you want to call it. Much better. Thank you. There we go. I love it. I love it. Okay, so I need you guys to about 40 miles to the north of here. There's a keep. Yes. And I've been having some trouble with some bandits who keep raiding it. It's one of my many properties. Could you just go take care of the bandits, come back with the head of their leader, and Albie's parents will be released? And you're...

Very confident you're going to survive this encounter. I wouldn't worry. Okay. I mean, it's your house. You probably know things that this guy doesn't. Do you need the name of the keep? And I'm going to tell you this, you do. Oh, sure. I just assumed it would be the one 40 miles north of here. Well, there's a few different keeps, you know. Oh, okay. What's it called?

It's called Scrum North. You got that? Scrum North, yes. As he is doing this, by the way, the hero has just begun to charge him with the broadsword. Scrum... Why would you have known this about him? He rolls a nat 20 for Dex and just effortlessly dodges out of this guy's way. It's almost like a ballroom dance move. Scrum is not taking this guy seriously.

whatsoever. Alright, so Scrum North is the name of the keep. Yes. Bandits have been raiding it. Yes. It's near and dear to my heart. You kill those bandits, come back here with their head, and... This little trifle with Albie's family is all forgiven. Bandit leader's head. Bandit leader's head. Scrum North. Scrum North, bandit leader's head, come back! Come back, of course. You've got, let's say, two weeks?

Oh, that's very generous. That's very, you think it's too one week. You've got one week. You talked me down, buddy. You've got one week to come back here with the head of the bandits. Okay. All right. One week's still probably pretty good. Just muttering. Cool. Turns around and walks back. Best of luck! He does a backflip over the hero who is charging him. The hero swings at him with his sword. This fight...

fucking rules, but you're not looking at it. You're walking out. I have a feeling you couldn't care less, in fact. No, he impressed me. I don't need to see more. Yeah, okay. You got what you need, so you can head back to them, or it's up to you what you want to do now. Yeah, going back up.

To the room. Could Albie and her parents be cheering watching the fight? Yeah, absolutely. You guys are having a grand old time. So Frederick walks back in and he sees them all looking out the window. Oh, so you all saw that. Yep. So you know what we need to do. Look at this fight. I couldn't hear anything. Could have used two weeks. To what? Doesn't matter, but the journey. Oh, so you could hear. Yeah. Oh, wait, could I hear?

Yeah, you established it. Hell yeah, I can hear. It's like you were yelling in a room. Anyway, yes, I'll be there. Yeah, wow. Not even my parents call me that. I've cut a deal for you. Thank you. Thank you. Certainly. I look over at Stir Fry. We're going to have to go murder some... We're going to have to go murder some bandits and bring back proof of their demise. And, um...

The Dawn family will be freed. Wait, I just found them. I don't want to leave them here. All right, then we'll go do it. You stay with them. Halby, I just learned today that sometimes you must leave the person you love to... Get off. Are you talking about the affair woman? Well, I'm sorry. That's good. That's what I'm talking about. That's funny. That's funny. That's a funny guy. He does little voices and he's just got to weigh about. I think it's funny. What? Come on. What?

Can I not think a guy's funny? I gotta know what I can and can't do. I'm sorry. Come on, guys. He's a little funny. He's goofy. He's funny. That's just different ways of saying funny. Other people in the room are funny. Do you think Bella's funny? Bella? That's a hot ticket right there, but that's not a funny guy. I'm sorry. Do you think you're a funny guy? I don't know. We haven't hung out yet.

I don't think you have enough to judge. I think that's the thing, though. I can just tell. I tell you. In a different life. But, you know, whatever. Huh? Dad wanted to be a stand-up comedian. I could have done it. Oh. Yeah, I mean, I believe it. Yeah. But I don't think you have it. That's okay though.

I don't think you need it. I don't know if you've ever seen a mirror, but Jesus. Dad! What? Can I not say? What can I say and not say? That's true. I don't know. I don't know anymore. Can't call a hot guy hot. Dad! You didn't mind the bear thing. That's why I don't know what anyone thinks. Well, that's what like...

Look at what your daughter thinks. What do you think? I think, stop saying these things in front of my friends. Well, here's what I think. Yeah. Good luck with the bandits. I was really good to see you. You have to stay alive. We're not going anywhere. We're fine. Okay. Albie hugs them really tight. Yeah, they hug you back. They love you. Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to come back. We're going to save you. And then we're going to save Casper. We're not hiring someone. Your mom does the sort of the hand thing of like, Hey, we've all learned a lot. We can handle ourselves. Albie gives her darts. to her parents in case you need it. If you have to defend yourselves, you should. Your mom looks at you. Beatrix looks at you. Oh, thank you.

They're serious weapons. No, I know, and I thank you for giving them to us. Okay, good. Do you need them? You use them. Do you need them? No, Mom. Okay, hold on one second before you go. You guys, could you walk out for a second? Just give us the room. Yeah. Of course.

She pulls out 20 copper. Mom. You need 20 copper. How did you get here with money? What do you mean? They didn't frisk you? No, they didn't frisk us. Well, thank goodness. We're basically guests. Okay. Okay. That makes me feel a little bit better. Just take 20 copper. Will it make you happy? It would make me feel much better. I will take that. Thank you very much. I fold it up and I put it in my pouch. Your dad stops you as you walk out.

You good for money? Mom gave me some money. How much did she give you? 20 copper. 20 copper? Yeah. Matrix. Jesus. Okay. Dad. You're good for money then. Okay. All right. Dad. I love you. Mom. I love you too. I'm going to come back for you.

We will be here waiting for you. We love you very much. Okay. And the last thing I'm going to say to you, tell that bird he's so funny. I'm not saying that. Come on. I'm not saying that. All right, I'll tell him when he comes back. All right. All right, you leave. And as you...

As you walk out, you see all of the rooms, the doors are open, and people are beginning to pour out, and they're running down the hallway. They're all sort of running towards the stairs. It's up to you guys what you want to do. Cordelia's going to get down the stairs and try and get to the head of, sorry, Bon Penis something? Yeah. Bon Penis and Yarrow. Bon Penis and Yarrow. Can she get to this?

It is chaos. You can try to do it, but there is a straight-up lion running around in circles. We should leave. Let's just go. There are plenty of... There are some other dead bodies. All right. If I'm picking up what you're putting down. Yeah. All right. Whatever corpses I am so lucky as to run into on the way out.

I'm going to coin their eyes. Okay, cool. Yeah, you're just sort of throwing coins down, and you see, unfortunately, one of the pairs of eyes is Wizardly's. Oh, no. Who looks up at you deadly. And, okay, so on his eyes, I'm like, oh, shit. So I'm going to put two sets of coins, hoping it gives him like an extra discount on like a burger or something. Okay, cool. Yeah.

Yeah, you do that, and as you do that, time sort of freezes for a second, and Wizardly's body sort of shakes, and he takes the coins off. Oh, you're not dead. Oh, he's dead! Oh my god! Shudder. Yeah, what are you doing with the double coins thing? Oh, shit. Well, you didn't tell me. You fucking cut it out of my pocket. Yeah, well, he was a good guy. He was a good guy. Oh, I'm sure he was a great guy. I'm telling you, good guys are going to be loyal customers. Loyal customers? How have you been?

I don't have a good time. Yeah? Yeah, but what's up? I feel like I really got on your case last time. That's fine. You know, no skin off my nose. Or his nose. Well, how are those kids? What about them? In the diner. I don't know. They probably left by now. Well, yeah. Now they're just in hell. I don't know. Oh.

I don't know. They didn't come back. I mean, look, do you wish they were in hell? It's not great is the answer. True, but if you're running a good diner, they'd be repeat customers. I expect to see them. Is you giving me notes on this for real? I don't know. Okay. Don't double dip again. We're in this together. We are in this together. I'm an employee. And that means that you can't give double deals to people. Well, I didn't... Not even good people? Wizardly is like standing up.

now and like everything else is frozen. What? You want me to ask how this guy died? Well, I'm just curious if you have a wound that's like... I can check his memories. Yeah. Remember, I can do the surface level memories. Yeah. He died of a broken heart. What the fuck? What? I don't know.

Can you tell who? That's all I'm getting. Hose, what do you want from me? I just mean, like, can you tell who it was focused on? I literally let the burger on the grill. No, no, no, it's okay. Time freezes. Not here it does. Not in hell. Oh, I didn't know that. Okay, but.

But listen, it's worth the burnt burger. Who was he focused on? Who was he focused on? Well, his heart broke. Who broke his heart right before he died? Something about he was supposed to have an affair. I don't know. Was it the vampire? I don't know. What are you doing? I don't. I think.

I know it was. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, I came here to say don't double dip with the coins and now there's an affair going on. I don't care. That's incredible. That's interesting. He was dipped way before we got there. That makes sense. She was. Never mind. Okay, well, you know, just don't do that again. Can I, though? You can, but I don't like it.

Okay. This is a partnership. Come on. Work with me. You work with me. I am working with you. Okay. I'm working with you by telling you not to do that. It's weirdly good to see you. I know, right? We are friends. And then Wizardly just like goes limp.

time goes back. Oh, oh God. Um, I stack three coins on each of us. Nothing happened. Okay. Um, do I see the affair, the affair lady? No. You don't see it. It's like chaos. There is all sorts of there's shit happening. There are there is the lion is now being ridden by one of the pleasure golems who is still like just blowing kisses with its entire body. OK, I'm out of there.

So are we able to make our way down the stairs? So you guys leave the main chamber. You guys are able to make your way down the stairs. The null is coming from the other end, chasing you down the stairs, not blocking you. Chasing down the stairs? Yeah. I don't... Albie wouldn't leave with that gnoll running amok, I don't think. Okay. Near her parents. Up to you to do whatever you like here. As you do, though, you can see another gnoll running down...

the stairs, and she looks at you. What are you doing? Get out of here! Um, you're not going to hurt my parents, are you? I'm not going to hurt them. They're valuable prisoners. Okay, thank you. What? And she leaves. Thank you. She's like truly confused by that. You see her, she like sits down on the stairs and she puts like a finger to her temple. What? Thank you. Thank you? Thank you. Huh.

All right, you guys are running down the hallway now? Yeah. Yes. Okay, great. I'll be like a Secretus portrait. Oh! Okay, we're past it. Okay, cool. You run down the hallway. You run out. You see now the magic that was enchanting Scrum's place is once again back in place. And the troll's body is just like...

It's headless corpse is just lying in a pool of blood outside the entrance. You and many others, including, like, the fish person and the halfling covered in ants, you all just sort of, you're poured out into the soaking valley. Ooh, gotta get away from that ants guy. The little vibes of lice guy. Bello looks wistfully back to the grotto and says, Take these chances. Huh?

As he says this, unfortunately, you see four or five very familiar-looking policemen running towards Scrum's place. Ruh-roh. Oi, what's all this, then? They grab one of the people with a fish person coming by and they like wrestle the fish guy to the ground. What are you doing? What's going on? Explain yourselves. We should go. Yeah, we should get out of here. Let's go north. Okay. I like your dad. He loves you. Yes, quite the rude tale indeed.

That was Ali Fisher as Cordelia, Carly Monardo as Albie, Christopher Hastings as Frederick de Bonesby, Tim Platt as Stir Fry. Joe Lepore as Bellow, and Branson Reese as everything and everyone else. Rude Tales of Magic is produced by Taylor Moore at Fortunate Horse. He sounds nice. See you next time, weary traveler, when you most desire even more rude tables of magic.

In the early 21st century, magic reawakened on Earth, and alongside it a new human race with orcs, elves, trolls, dwarves, and others. Humanity became metahumanity. As technology proliferated and greatly advanced in the awakened world, global megacorporations seized ever more power, becoming de facto states with their own laws, courts and armed forces. The corporations attempt to control all aspects of modern life.

This has led to a vast and complex criminal underground which works for and against corporate interests. The independent career criminals who do what others can't or won't are called Shadowrunners. The year is 2101. Welcome to Fun City. Friends, hello. My name is Mike Rugnetta and I'm the GM for a TTRPG actual play podcast called... Fun City, which takes place in a post-climate disaster New York City in the year 2101.

In our game, a group of friends who live on a boat do their best to get by in the magical, technologically advanced, corporate-controlled future. We accompany them as they cast spells. hack computer systems, get into, and hopefully out of, all kinds of trouble. It is subconscious mind pushes you away.

Doesn't even know how much just sort of hits you with, like, the levitation spell. She is a perfect opportunity to do what she calls a clam flip. So she jumps in the air, does a tuck, and she really sits on it. She goes, when she lands. Do not ask where the money comes from, my friend. Because let me tell you something. Anybody with this much money, we don't get it in nice ways. You know what I mean? Typhine casts concealment on the boat.

We got two drinks. We got juice boxes and, of course, milk. Got anything funny in that arm? TK pops it open and pulls out a pair of socks. TK unrolls them and stretches them a little bit and doesn't break eye contact. It's not worth it. You can find Fun City wherever you listen to podcasts and on Twitter at Fun City Ventures. Artemis, what's the population of New York City?

the current population of manhattan is estimated at 2.2 million but the corporate arcologies keep their population data private The outer boroughs have not participated in an officially recognized census since... Okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Doom and gloom, apocalypse, archipelago. I get it. So anyways, I trained her to everyone's voice. Doom and gloom archipelago from your Spotify. That was a HeadGum Podcast.