¶ Navigating Relationships
What's going on Riverside Youth . We are so excited to be here on another episode of our youth podcast .
Yep .
I'm here with my beautiful queen . As you all know , I call her queen . Say hi to everybody .
Hey .
What's up . But we're so excited because we are still talking about relationships this month . We're talking about questions that you guys have asked and so we thought we would sit down together and we would answer some of your questions . I pulled in my wife because she's so smart , she knows everything and she's amazing about relationships because I sort of got it .
I don't know about that . And so I figured also to girls perspective we give a girls perspective , me and Juan , we can give a guys perspective , but we can't give a girls perspective . So you're here to give a girls perspective , gotcha , and whatever the Lord leads you . So we're going to jump through some of these questions that you guys have .
We'll see how far we get and we hope it encourages you . So are you excited ? You ready ? Yeah , let's go . You ready ? Yeah , I'm just going to interview you ?
How about that ? That's all gosh . You're going to be the one just talking . I don't know about that .
OK , so we have about five or four questions here , four questions . We're just going to start off with the first one . Some are deep , some are not deep , and this is going to be fun . What do you do if you don't feel right in a relationship but is scared to tell the other person about it ? To tell them about it .
Ok , you want me to just talk yeah , what do you got ?
I don't know . So if you're in a relationship and you don't feel right , you don't know how to do it .
You don't feel right in the relationship , but you're scared to tell the other person about it .
OK , too scared to tell your significant other about it .
Ok , boy friend , or girlfriend .
I think it's important in a relationship to be open and honest . I think , that's very important in a relationship . So I think if you don't feel like you can talk to them about it , it's kind of a red flag a little bit .
I am someone who's not confrontational , so I do have respect for this person , because my heart would be racing if I had to bring something up to someone , but I think if you find the right person , if you comment it the right way , I think you have to , because if you don't feel something's right , it needs to be addressed , because you need to be comfortable
with things that are happening in a relationship . So I don't know .
It's communicating right .
Yeah , 100% , 100% communication .
Communication is the biggest key to a relationship ever . But also , too , I think you need to ask yourself there's a question inside of a question . That's what I like to do Questions inside of questions . You need to ask yourself why don't you feel right ?
with this person .
Because there's moments where you maybe didn't like what they said , you didn't like how they did something , and that's OK . You work through that . We work through that all the time . I do stupid things .
You don't like it . It can be a little weird .
But you tell me and we talk about it , we go through it , we figure it out . But , is it where you don't feel right because this person doesn't love you the right way ? They treat you in an uncomfortable way . They creep you out . Because I think that's then a different story , right Then ?
If I made you feel uncomfortable all the time , then maybe that's more than just a conversation . That's more of just like we probably aren't meant to be together kind of thing . And for us we're married and we're going to walk through it .
But I think for those in just dating relationships in high school and junior high , if you're in a relationship and you feel uncomfortable , probably look , you got the rest of your life ahead of you .
You probably don't need to be worried about it , I think sometimes in dating relationships , even in I know some people date in junior high now too , or high school . I think in dating relationships we put a lot of pressure on it , especially when , like this , is a youth podcast . You guys are all younger .
But , you have to remember you're dating to kind of see if it's the right person for you . So I think you just kind of have to take the pressure off a little bit when it comes to the right relationship where , yes , we date for marriage , but also if you're 14 , like you've got a long ways to go .
So yeah , like it's OK to kind of put it to the test a little bit and just take that pressure off and be like you know what .
I'm genuinely just trying to see if I'm compatible with this person and you're not always going to be , you know , I'm not always gonna mesh together very well , yeah , so then maybe on the back half of this is having that conversation because you said you don't like confrontation , so maybe you could speak into that , because how would you build yourself up to tell
that person then ?
And you're good with words , you know how to you don't say you are , but you know how to tell people in the right way . You've always taught me that how do you tell somebody the right thing in the right way ? Because you can be mean about it or you can be kind about it you can be blunt about it , or you can be peaceful about it .
So you're gonna do the peaceful way and saying it with the right words , you're welcome .
Say thank you , thanks , babe , you're so sweet .
How would you ? Because that's one of the things I said , but we're scared to tell them about it .
How could they ?
maybe not be scared to say that to the other person . That's maybe another red flag . They're scared to tell them something .
I think for me again , I just get scared to talk to anyone about anything . It doesn't matter , like if it's kind of feeling confrontational a little bit or just bringing something up that may hurt someone else's feelings , we can take that on ourselves and be like I just really don't wanna hurt their feelings , I just really don't .
But you have to realize like this is important to you , you matter too on that side of the relationship . So if they're making you feel uncomfortable , you have to have that conversation . And I think that just what it comes down to is realizing like I actually have to just do this .
So , like some things I've done , if I've had to have an uncomfortable conversation is maybe find a friend or your parent or someone that you can maybe practice the conversation with and just that can give you helpful hints , like hey , maybe if you say it like that , or ugh like Josh , I've told that with Josh he's a little more blunt which is okay .
I wish I had some of his bluntness sometimes . But there's been times where we've walked through like a conversation where he's maybe gonna have to have with someone and I'm like , maybe don't say it like that , so it's good to maybe be like , oh , let's walk through this conversation first so we can kind of give it a practice .
Go , just so you're not hurting their feelings , but also so you're still saying everything that needs to be said , because if it's something that's important , you have to say it still . You have to be clear in what you're saying . And I've been in the place where I've just beat around it so much because I'm like I really don't wanna say it .
I really don't wanna say it , but it's like , no , you still have to say what has to be said . But there is a good way to do that that's peaceful and obviously always take it to God , like take time and pray about it too , and there are some things where you can just shake it off .
You know , like some things are like , it's not that big of a deal but , if it's so important to you that it's keeping you up at night . It's on the back of your mind a lot where it's like just a recurring issue in your relationship . It has to be talked about and you can't just keep putting it off because that's not gonna work .
And ultimately , I think too , with having conversations that are we call them crunchy conversations at our church because of Michael Pastor , michael but having those hard crunchy conversations ultimately benefit you in the long run .
You know it benefits you , it benefits the other person because you're saying what needs to be said , because if you don't say it then it's just going left on set .
It's kind of like what you just said , and making it go left on set is not good for you , because then you're putting up with somebody that does not love you the right way , or you're putting up with somebody that treats you the wrong way . And so you don't wanna be stuck in a relationship that's not meant for you . That's what the series is all about .
That we've been talking about is finding the person that God has for you , building yourself up to find that person , and so you don't wanna be stuck in a relationship that's not meant for you . So ultimately , it benefits you to have those conversations because I'm ultimately , if it scares you , you probably should do it , especially in moments like this .
And I'm not saying , if you're scared to jump out of a plane , don't go jump out of a plane because you're probably scared of it , but I'm saying , and things like conversations with people , things that make you nervous , but you know you have to do it , it ultimately means you should do it because it's scary , because it's just a scary environment to put yourself
in , because you don't know what the outcome is you ? know what I mean , and so I think you gotta have those conversations , no matter what .
For sure .
¶ Setting Boundaries in Relationships
Boom . Question one down , check Boom . Okay . So I put this one in here . We've kind of already hit this a little bit , but I thought maybe you could give a girl's insight on this question and we haven't answered this one specifically . But this person asked in like a two-parter how far is too far ?
And then she said , or he said , when it comes to doing things for someone . So I'm assuming we're gonna get into the weeds a little bit , but this is sexually . Yeah maybe kissing and touching and doing all this stuff . I'm assuming that that's where this person is going for it . Maybe I could be totally wrong .
I'm . I said that's where I went to . We're talking about relationships and that's where it's going to be , so I I don't know from a girl's perspective .
Maybe for the girls out there , but also , too , this will be helpful for guys , because they'll know what , absolutely what , what , what , how far is too far ? Yeah , what is so ?
I think honestly , I want to hit the second part first .
Cause the .
The wording in that . There was a word in that when it says when come , when it comes to doing things for someone that is icky to me , caught my eye . Um , because , um , I mean , I'll be honest , in past dating relationships in high school , I in college , I felt pressured to do things , Um , like you know , physically with people .
Um , that I maybe knew wasn't right , but I felt like to get their love . I had to do that and that is doing something for someone , not with them , and that is like that . That word is what got me not doing stuff with them . It's doing them for them . And that I'm like oh , that should never be a thing .
If you're ever feeling pressured to do something for someone , run like that's not the relationship for you , um , but kind of going back to like how far is too far , um .
I think this is like a very fair question , honestly , because we always talk about like don't have sex before marriage and and biblically we can back that up , you know , not having sex before marriage , um . But then that leads to the questions of kissing and touching and other things like that too . Obviously , like what can we do ?
Um , and I think my mom always worded it kind of like this that , like in a relationship , that kissing leads to touching and touching leads it , it , just , it kind of all leads down , um , naturally in a relationship .
So you may think , um , and I mean , I remember we even talked about this Josh and I obviously had to have very strong boundaries when we were dating .
Um cause that's oh , you did yeah . So at some point I did yeah .
It's , it's a very important to have boundaries , um , but I remember the first time that we kissed , we were like it was like so pure and so innocent and like we will never be tempted to do anything More than just kiss , and that was stupid of us to even say , which we still came up with boundaries , which was very helpful in our relationship , um .
But you just have to realize like , okay , yeah , kissing may start innocent , but it's not always going to stay innocent necessarily , um . And again , I think we have to recognize that like um , boundaries are easy to push in relationships and naturally get too close to the line .
Yes and as , oh , yeah .
And as humans , um , you have to recognize like there's things we want to do in relationships physically and you're not dirty or messed up or wrong for wanting to do those things . And I think the first step is recognizing like I have that desire and being like that's okay to have that desire , maybe , but what can I do with that ?
What can I do to maybe help myself not act on that ? And maybe even asking you , know God , like , help , take that away from me , um , and so , yeah , don't beat yourself up for that , cause I've done that in past relationships where I'm like , why am I even , why do I keep doing this ? Like , why do I even want to ?
And part of our relationship and being physically attracted to someone is , you know , wanting to kiss them and other things , Um , and so I think you just have to . Again , boundaries are very important and I guess , if we're going to get specific on how far is too far , I don't know .
I mean , I think it's so hard because it's like I don't wanna just give like a black and white answer to this , but I think anything that goes past kissing probably is too far . And Josh and I have had this conversation even and I think , in terms of like , why is that a thing ? Why can't I do more than that ?
Like the Bible just says we can't have sex before marriage . Why can't we do other stuff , Like speaking now that we're married ? We've had these conversations where it's like you know , I'll be open that I didn't have sex before marriage with anyone , and Josh and I obviously didn't either .
But I did do things that I regret in relationships , and Josh did as well , and it stinks . It's sad to me even that now that I'm with Josh and he's the love of my life , I wish I wouldn't have even kissed anyone before , because to have just experienced that with just him , with one person , it is intimate .
I would have loved to be able to be like that was just . Josh was the only one I've ever touched this way or kissed this way or anything like that , but sadly I can't say that . And so on the other side of things , I now see oh , this is why we don't do that , you know , because it is so sacred and in today's day and age it's not sacred anymore .
Sex is not sacred , and anything that goes along with sex because there's stuff that goes along with sex that I think everyone's like it's technically not sex , it's leading to it .
Still , that's what I was gonna say , because you open the door for temptation to seep in when you do all those other things . Oh yeah , Like yeah , we're just kissing , but then kissing leads to touching it all leads to .
And then touching leads to touching inappropriate places on your body and on a girl's body and on a guy's body , and that leads to .
Well , if we're already doing this , then let's just do this .
Oh yeah , 100% . It's a slippery slope .
So the Bible may not say hey , don't touch your girlfriend . Or boyfriend but that is opening , then you are now opening the door to allow yourself for the possibility to do sex on the other side of it . Yeah , and it's scary , and that's why we should not go that far , that's why you said kissing . I think that's a great idea .
Holding hands and kissing is all you need to do until you get married , because if you do anything else , I'm sure a lot of you listening can relate that you've probably done a little bit more once you started kissing a boy or a girl .
Yeah , it's easy to do and I think Josh and I had very strict boundaries and I think this is very important and I don't think enough people have this nowadays but we weren't even allowed in each other's rooms and that was a rule with my parents growing up but y'all can be sneaky , I was sneaky .
¶ Setting Boundaries and Working on Yourself
We're not gonna be stupid . But even this is stupid . I mean , I'll even say this Josh and I were like when he's dropping me off at my house at night , he's not getting out , first of all , and second of all , if he's giving me a kiss , goodnight , we're not getting to the backseat either .
Because we're just gonna be real about that , because that's a thing when there was , we would joke about this . There's a little literal physical barrier of the center console of the car . You can only do so much , and so we said that was a literal , like physical boundaries , like we are not allowed in rooms alone in each other's houses .
We are not allowed to do this alone . Like you know what I mean and that , I think , was very helpful .
I think you just have to be realistic and I think , when it comes to boundaries as well , having people to keep you accountable that will do it in a loving way , obviously , but are willing to be like hey , like how are you doing really that you can actually be honest with , and then straightforward , and they'll just straight up be like no , like let's not do
that . And then also let me help you Like let's figure out how we can maybe not do that again .
And that's a relationship that works together . Because , that's what I wanted to talk about , about the back end of this question where it says for someone because I think in relationships more maybe on the guy end , but I think also too on the girl , and can both do this is that guys will peer pressure girls into doing things with them .
And I'll say if you're in a relationship where a guy is peer pressuring you to do things that you are uncomfortable with , that is a relationship you should not be in .
Because , then the guy is not respecting your boundaries that you have created for yourself to not do those things , and you will feel and I'm sure you kind of said this at the beginning you will feel like you have to do those things to earn their love .
And so now you're putting yourself outside of your boundaries because you want to prove that you do love them . Where in hindsight I'll just be real honest most likely that guy does not truly love you . Because if they loved , you and if they really cared about you , they would respect your boundaries .
They would respect it , and I think you never got mad at me for my boundaries of knowing I was allowed to go in my parents' basement with me . And I never got mad at you for saying hey , you can't come into my apartment . I never got mad at you , I respected you for it . Now , could we ?
And it was a mutual agreement .
It was a mutual agreement Now could I have gotten mad at you and said and try to trick you into letting me in your apartment 100% .
I could have easily done that .
Could you have ? Easily done it to me ? Easily you could have . But , we mutually agreed that we both wanted to have these boundaries .
And so I think for anybody listening and just anybody in a relationship or anybody going into a relationship , if you do not have mutual agreement that we are not going to touch each other or we're not gonna have sex before marriage and the other person doesn't agree with that , it's a deal breaker . It's a deal breaker , that's a red flag .
It has to come down to that if you , if it is , you have to have the right values and they have to be aligned . And the Bible puts as equally yoked right , yeah like you have to .
That's important and that's something that you can't sacrifice , no matter how cute they are , no matter how sweet and kind they are Maybe they really are but also we have to be realistic about that and be like you know what .
This is very important to me and , honestly , on top of that , I never felt like from you that your love To me was dependent on what I did for you right , physically , or even like if I cooked you dinner and still in our marriage , like I it was . It's never about what I can do for you and what you can do for me .
It's about how we can just love each other from like the depths of our heart , like it's who we are , and so , yeah , I just I hate the wording of that .
So if I'm ever , this is . I hope you're listening .
Maybe they worded it just yeah , maybe it was accident .
But if you're doing anything for somebody and they are not doing anything for you and it's not . They're forcing you to do it .
Yeah , it's wrong .
Yeah , run away , it's for your benefit and that's what we talked about a lot of relationships recently is that setting up bound I think we're talking about this Sunday actually is setting up boundaries is for your benefit .
It's for your protection .
You're not doing it for the other person . I mean you might , because maybe they are trying to force you , but you , ultimately , you're doing it for yourself , because you want to Keep yourself pure and heart and mind for sure , so all right , we're gonna move on to the next one . We got about eight minutes ish left .
This one says if you are hurting , will a relationship help you heal . Let's say it together no . The answer is no , it will not , and we've kind of we've been hitting on this a little bit In our conversations at youth and we've had some leaders hit on . It is just Working on yourself .
Yeah working on who you are , because , ultimately , what pain you have , what past trauma you have , if you think jumping into a relationship is gonna heal all that or your significant other will heal all that , they won't .
What you're doing is I think this was the first week of this series we talked about is basically you're taking your baggage and you're bringing it with you on the trip with this relationship .
You're just gonna bring it on with you .
You ain't getting rid of it . You're gonna bring it with you and they're gonna deal with it . You're gonna still deal with it and it's never gonna go away .
Yeah , I think honestly , I've done this in relationships , whether it's just you know past insecurities or Anxiety and things like that , and I just it's not fair to do that to the person yeah that you're in a relationship with . It's just not fair to put that on them and I think it's so important .
Like Josh has said , you like work on yourself , like it's Now's the time . I think we are just on such a like Relationship focused world and not even relationship Situation ship , whatever . It is Just being interested in someone else always and I get it .
We were there too . I mean , I've done it constantly had a crush in junior , high and high school .
But when you're so hyper fixated on that , you're just like shoving all of your stuff to the back , and it's like I think you realize Even as you get older I realize this too like , oh , I want to work on myself now so that when the right person comes along I'll be ready , because I think we've shared this about our story .
A lot of people Try to push us together for years for years . He was not ready and I was not ready and thank goodness we Did not date , because it would have been a disaster , and thank goodness we chose to be like you know what .
Let's work on ourselves first , because when we did , it was just like this huge , amazing God thing when we did get together , because you could see the healing that happened before we were together and obviously I'm not gonna pretend like we were both completely healed right when we got together .
But we put in the work and then , so that then together we were able to still walk alongside each other through things , while also still working through our stuff , and I , we were not doing that for each other , we were doing it for ourselves and I think that's important to not just being like let's just take a break so I can work on myself .
For you , for you right now like just work on yourself for you for you , not for anyone else . For yourself . Yeah , absolutely yeah . Working on yourself is the biggest thing you could , you could , ever do . Okay , well , this is a long one to two sections and it's kind of like just somebody gave an example what they were talking about . I just read it .
If me and this guy I'm with is constantly getting mad at me for stuff and I'm being told that he's getting irritated with me but then texts me saying he never actually did and he loves me , should I end it and I'm not gonna read this next part because they told me not to .
But basically , just another example of why he got mad , because she , she got mad because she didn't respond to him right away . Okay and so basically , this person is saying this person gets mad at them a lot and always is irritated with them . Is that ?
a value , immature a little bit , like this person kind of wants their full focus all the time . And I think again , part of the beauty of being like young too , is just like enjoying your time , so like hanging out with your friends .
You should never feel like you can't hang out with your friends because of a significant other and it just it doesn't feel like super healthy to me . And then being like Never mind , it's fine , like I just turn it around , it feels like a roller coaster , like we don't like that .
No , we , we don't like roller coasters , unless we're actually on one true , we don't want to be on a roller coaster in a relationship .
No I .
Would kind of just yeah , I agree with the same thing and we talked about this a little bit a relationship , especially at a young age , you should not feel like a Girl or a boy is your entire world .
I think I said that a couple weeks ago .
If you are in a relationship where they are your entire world and you don't hang out with anybody else . You don't have any guy friends , you don't have any girlfriends Like and you are solely hanging out with this one person 24 , seven , seven days a week .
Whenever you have free time , you're always going to their house , you're always going to her house , whatever . That is not a healthy relationship at this stage of your life . Yeah even with us I'll say , there's times where I do stuff .
Yeah .
I'm going to basketball on Sunday nights without you , you're not there , you're going to your girls group without me .
I'm not there and we're doing things apart , like tonight .
You're going to dinner with some friends .
Yeah .
I'm not going .
I'm going home and so there's time . You're not gonna be texting me the entire time . Answer me , answer me , I'm not gonna be begging you to respond to me .
I'm not gonna be saying when you're gonna be here , when you stay out all night . If you want to , I mean tell me . But stay out on it , I mean we're married and that's how we do it , but especially in a young relationship , it's not the end of the world .
Yeah .
Not saying you should ignore this person and and if they have valid feelings , like if you are ignoring them all the time Okay then maybe you need to ask yourself should I be in a relationship if I'm choosing to ignore this person , but if you're in a relationship where I think the other person is so clingy to you , and they won't give you space to do what
you want to do , then you need to have a serious conversation . If they're not willing to let you have your space , then that's probably somebody you should just let go , because you can now with us . If you were to do that to me and never Let me go do anything , yeah , we would really have to have a conversation .
Yeah , and we would really have to set those boundaries . Like yo , I want my free time , but because we're married , we're gonna really work on it different stages and just being in a high school dating relationship . Yes it's easy to push that off and be like , alright , I'm gonna move on . This is not the person probably God has for me .
Yeah , but you guys told me you're the person , but if you're gonna start treating me like that , we're gonna need to talk about you're gonna need to . Let me have my space and let me do what I want to do , just like if I were to force you to stay at home all night . Yes or every day . I'm not gonna do that to you , but if I did .
You would have to talk to me about it .
Yes , and also .
So comes down to communicating . So first I would tell this person you need to tell that person . Yeah , and it sounds like she kind of has yeah , and so then it comes back to if they're not willing to listen .
Yeah , should you end it . My answer would be yes and on the other side of that , I think I understand a little bit in a way of oh , the excitement of being in a relationship and loving someone and wanting to spend a lot of time with them . I think that's different , yeah and .
I think if you're communicating that in a healthy way , like hey , I feel like you hung out with your friends a lot this week , like I'd like to spend time with you , if that's all right , yeah , but also again , there's so much more to life .
Then your boyfriend or girlfriend .
You need friends especially again in in high school and junior high . Don't ruin friendships over it .
So , yeah , your life is more healthy when you have more people . Yeah and I'm saying girls need to have girl relationships . So I'm not saying , if you're like , if me and you were , we're married , obviously not , if we were , we're married . I'm not hanging out with other girls outside of you , right , I'm hanging out with guys right same thing with you .
You're not hanging out with guys , you're hanging out with girl and so I think that's important .
Another boundary you should not be having girls .
You should not be having girl or guy relationships in guys . Should not be having girl relationships outside of .
Right relationship .
That's a huge red flag . If that's a , that's a thing , but it's time for another conversation .
That's another thing , that's another day . That's another day , another podcast . We'll talk about it later .
Dang , we went through those questions fast , I know look at us . I'm gonna have you on the podcast more often .
She's so smart , guys , right .
Yeah , she is . Anyway , thanks for joining us . Give it up for my wife , yay , but we love you and we'll see you next time . Y'all Bye .