Ep. 11: Dating, Boundaries & Chasing Jesus

I'm so excited because we are here with another episode of the youth podcast and it's just me today , and what we're gonna do is we're gonna do something a little different , because this past Wednesday was an amazing Wednesday when God just showed up and spoke and , as you know , we've been in a series called modern love and we're talking about relationships for the

whole month of February , and this past Wednesday we did something a little different at our youth night , where we asked you , the students , to ask questions man , what did you want to know about relationships ? What are some things that you want to learn how to navigate ?

What are some things maybe you're walking through and you just don't know what it looks like , and so you guys filled my text messages with questions relating to relationships and so on this episode of the podcast , it's literally gonna be just me and we're gonna go over them . We're gonna talk about what these episodes look or what these questions look like .

We're gonna talk about what it means to be in a relationship , and so we're just gonna go through a bunch of questions over the next 25 minutes and just see where God leads . So I encourage you lean in , write down some of these questions and let's see what happens .

And so we're just gonna start with the first one here , and it's what are some boundaries you should set for yourself before entering a relationship to help you have a Christ centered Relationship ? See , I love this question .

We didn't really get to talk about boundaries last Wednesday , but I believe God Challenges us in this area because it's so easy just to step into a relationship and just do whatever we want . You know , we talked a little bit about the dangers of temptations , the dangers of sinful acts in a relationship and the things that it could lead us to .

It can lead us to Going into a place with our boyfriend or girlfriend that we shouldn't be going into . It could Isolate us one-on-one with him , in their bedroom , on their bed and maybe in their basement , and it's so easy to find ourselves in compromising situations .

And so I love this question because it says how do we set Christ like boundaries before we even Step foot into a relationship ? And here's what I would say to this question . I would say you need to figure out for yourself what are my triggers , what are the things that , when I'm in a relationship , I fall into temptation . I'll give you an example for me .

I told you on Wednesday night , my , my love language was physical touch . So what I found was , when I was in relationships , I would want to physically have an emotional connection with the significant other . I would find myself wanting to cuddle , I'd find myself wanting to snow , I'd find myself wanting to kiss that person .

I'd find myself Wanting all of these things . That I learned that I doubt those were compromising situations , and so I told you on Wednesday some of the boundaries that I set up where I'm not gonna go into the basement with a girl ever again .

I'm not gonna be in another person's room if they live on their own , I'm not gonna go into their apartment by themselves . And so , setting up those boundaries to know what are your triggers , what are the things that you Seek in a relationship , what are the things that are maybe hard for you to say no to in a relationship ?

Maybe you're it's hard for you to say no to wanting to make out with your boyfriend or making out with your girlfriend . Or maybe it's hard for you to say no to to going on a car ride late at night . Or maybe it's hard for you to say no to Going into their bedroom and into the room .

Maybe their parents aren't home and they invite you over and it's hard for you to say no to that . I think having a healthy boundary and being willing to say no is a good thing , because you're willing to put that Aside , you're willing to say , hey , you know , I don't feel comfortable doing this .

It's not that I don't love you , it's just that I want to be protective of myself and I want to be protective of you , that we Don't do anything to risk or compromise who we are as people . And so creating healthy boundaries is Important , even when you're in a relationship or before you step foot into a relationship .

And see , this question was about Before I step into a relationship . But you , even if you're in a relationship right now , it is so easy , you , it's . It's hard actually , but it's so worth it to set those boundaries , to set expectations to your significant others , so you don't compromise each other .

And then we go into another question that this person had and they said how do you know if the person you like is ready to be and stay with you ? See , this is , this is always tricky , because I we tell you , as Jesus followers , to listen to God's voice , to trust when God is speaking to you and telling you hey , this is the person I have for you .

But sometimes it's hard to understand . Like , what is that ? Who is that voice ? How do I understand that voice ? And so how do you know if the person you like is ready to be and stay with you ? I think I'll say this it's kind of what we said on Wednesday is does that person love you ? Does that person treat you like somebody who loves you ? Should ?

And we talked a little bit that on Wednesdays . What does it mean to love a significant other guys ? What are we called to do to the women in our life , women , what are we called to do ? And to serve the men of our life .

And so if a person is loving you and serving you that way , then that's a sign number one Okay , this is a good , this is a person that I want to be with . If the if there's , at any point , you have red flags , if anybody has a red flag in a relationship , if you're like I don't like that they do this .

I don't like that about them , I don't like how they treat me . Don't ignore red flags , no matter how little or how big they are , because those are things that you need to talk about . Those are things you need to address in a relationship , and how do you know if , if you like , who you like is ready to be and stay with you ?

First , I think you just need to ask Jesus , because what I've seen when we pray about these things , when we ask God hey God , what is this the person for me ? I think things that I've seen him do . When I pray that prayer hey God , is this the right thing for me ? Hey God , is this the relationship for me ?

I think when you pray that prayer , what God will be gonna do and you consistently pray that prayer , it's not just like I'm gonna pray it one time and then never think about it again . No , you're consistently praying that until God either a takes the feelings away or B he just draws those feelings closer and closer .

I told you when me and Miranda started dating , what happened was is I prayed about it . I was like God if this is the girl you have from me , keep these feelings , draw me closer to her . But then I was like God also if this is not the girl you have for me , then I need you to take the feelings away . I need you to get rid of him .

I need you to tell people to stop telling me to date her . I need you to get rid of the feelings . I need you to get rid of the thoughts . And what God ended up doing is he ended up having people speak into that . He had people Drawing me closer to her .

I ended up falling in love with her every single day , more and more as we dated , and that is how God began to show me that this was the person that I was supposed to be with . And then one more question that this person had is how do you know If God is telling you to get in a relationship with that person or if it's just your own thoughts ?

I think that kind of goes along with what I just said . Pray about it . It sounds so silly . Oh , josh , why do I have to pray about it ? It's because you don't want to put yourself into a compromising relationship that God never asked you to be in .

When we're out of the will of God , that's the most dangerous place to be is doing something that God has not asked us to do .

And so when you pray about it , god will begin to speak to you , god will begin to challenge you and I think maybe for you and for a lot of you , young Christians and young believers and you guys are so young that you really don't even need to be dating right now . Maybe the prayer is not should I date this person ?

Maybe the prayer is God Should I be dating at all ? Should ? Am I ready to be dating ? We talked about that last Sunday . Am I ready to be dating ? And I think maybe those are the questions you need to be asking yourself instead of is this the person I should date ? Maybe you should be asking God am I ready today ? Should I be dating ?

And he will show you . He will speak to you . If you were patient enough to listen , he will begin to take those feelings , what he'll begin to give you those feelings . He'll begin to do all of those things if you trust him and listen to him throughout the whole process .

We go on to the next question and this person asks what's your number one thing that relationship should have ? And they said , like example , loyalty or respect . I think the biggest thing that a relationship should have is Jesus . Jesus should be the center of your relationship .

If you are in a relationship right now and you do not put Jesus first , if you are not going to church together , if you are not going to youth nights together , if you are not reading your Bible separately or maybe even together , if you're not pushing each other to Jesus , if you're not challenging each other to have a better relationship with Jesus , if you're

not challenging each other To do the things that Jesus would , for example , say your , your , your boyfriend bullies other kids , he bullies his friends , he bullies People at school , and you know he does . You , as the girlfriend , are challenged to call to challenge him and say , hey , that's not God . What God would want us to do .

God would call us to love , and so you were to call to challenge your significant I . So I think Jesus is the number one thing that should be at the center . And then the second thing is you should both love each other . If you cannot both love each other the way God tells us to love each other , you know the Bible says that love Endures all things .

We talked about the scripture verse on Sunday . Love is respect , love is kind , love does not envy , love does not boast . If you cannot love your significant under the way that that scripture verse calls us to love Jesus , then you should not be together , because that's who humans . We are called to love each other .

So I think number one , jesus , and number two , you are called to love each other . We go on to the next question and , and this person asks how long should simple kisses go Before marriage ? And I want you guys to know this , because we really didn't talk about this last night .

We talked about sex a little bit , we talked about how sex before marriage is bad , but I want you to know kissing is not bad . But I'll tell you , what is bad is putting yourself in a situation where the kissing goes too far , that leads to other things that should not be happening . Kissing is not bad .

Having a simple kiss on the cheek , on the lips , is not a bad thing . But it's when you put yourself in a compromising situation with another person , another boy or another girl , where you are Kissing too long , you're kissing too affectionately and it now is leading to more than just kissing . Now it's leading to touching .

Now it's the leading to hands feeling each other up , it's leading to all of these other things that really we should not be doing , and then it's leading to ultimately Maybe having sex with one another . And so kissing is not bad , but it's what it leads to that could be bad , and so you have to

refrain yourself . If you're a person that loves to kiss somebody , if you're a person that loves to make out which , listen , I'm guilty of that . I did that with Miranda , we , we did that and I loved kissing her , but we had to refrain ourselves a little bit .

We had to try to hold back a little bit because we didn't want to put ourselves in those compromising situations . So if you're that person , you need to find your , your weak spots . It's like what I talked at the beginning you need to find those areas in your life where you need to hold back , where you need to Maybe set those boundaries .

Say , hey , we can't be in the car alone one-on-one , because it'll lead to this , this and this . We can't be in your bedroom because it leads to this , this and this . We can't go into our basement because it leads to this , this and this , and so kissing is not bad , but what it can lead to is ultimately what's bad .

And then this person also asked Another question is how to leave someone , even if you love them , but you know they're the wrong person for you and not the person God wants for you or God wants with you .

This question is so good because I think sometimes we get so caught up in a relationship that we know we shouldn't be in , but yet we're doing it just because everybody is wanting us to do it .

Or maybe it will look bad if we get out of it , or maybe the guy will hate us if we get , if we break up with him , or the girl We'll get mad at us if we break up with him and the rumors will spread . But see , it's what I said earlier anything that is out of God's will is dangerous .

If you are living outside of the will of God , you are in a dangerous place to find yourself and God does not say , hey , live outside my will . No , god says I want you to live inside the will that I have for you . I want you to be on the path that I have for you . I want you to go the direction that I have for you .

And so when you find yourself in a situation where you are dating somebody that you know you shouldn't be with , you're in a relationship with somebody you know you shouldn't be dating . You love them , you love hanging out with them , but you know they're not good for you . You know that God has asked you to stay away from them .

You know God has said , hey , this is not the person that I have for you . Then you need to obey that voice . You need to obey God when he's saying that to you . You need to obey him when he's speaking that to you .

And can I tell you , it might be hard at first , it might be scary at first , but ultimately , the best thing about that is that God will begin to write a new story . He'll begin to challenge you in ways you've never been challenged before .

He'll begin to speak to you in ways that you've never been able to be Speak , spoken to before , maybe even heard his voice before , and he'll begin to maybe bring somebody new in your life that God actually has for you . But see , the problem is is so often , I think , a lot of you you stay in that relationship .

You stay in that thing that God has not asked you to stay in , and then what happens is is now you are Limiting your potential of what God wants to do in your life because you're not willing to be obedient to what God is asking you To do .

And so if you were being challenged with that and God is saying , hey , I need you to leave this person , I need you to not date this boy , I need you to not date this girl , then you need to listen and obey the voice that God is speaking to you because , ultimately , his plan is better than our plan . His purpose is better than our plan .

The person he asks for us is so much better than the person you think that you love .

You may love that boy , you may love that girl so much and you want to think that they're the best person for you , but can I tell you , if you know that that is not the person for you and God is asking you to step out of it , that means he has somebody so much better than the person that you are currently in a relationship with .

I told you all we'd be flying through these questions and the next question we got here is do you think toxic love is a form of toxic love ? I love this question because we think of toxic things as bad , and I will say it depends on what kind of toxic love it is .

If you are being called out for something that you have done , then yes , but also I don't think that that is toxic love . That is love . If the person that you are dating loves you , they're going to call you out on your crap .

If the person you are dating loves you so much , they should be willing to step out and say , hey , you did this and I didn't like it . You said that and I didn't like it . You're hanging out with that person and I don't like it , or whatever it might be . If they are calling you out , that is not toxic love .

That is love that they are trying to call you higher . They are trying to make you better . They are trying to ultimately build you up and point you to Jesus . We are talking about that on Sunday is finding somebody that points us to Jesus , and so that is not considered toxic love . But we will flip it to the other side .

If somebody is beating you , if somebody is telling you horrible things about yourself , if they are saying how ugly you are , they are saying how you don't amount to anything , you don't do anything , you are worthless , you are a piece of crap .

If they hit you , abuse you in any way , shape or form , but then they tell you on the back side I do this because I love you , that is not love . It's what I said earlier about love and how we are called to love people .

Love does not envy , love does not boast , love does not hold grudges , love forgives , love is kind , love is joyful and peaceful , love is encouraging .

And so if you are in a relationship where you have toxic love , where somebody says they love you but yet then they are beating you , they are telling you all these things that you are not good at , they are speaking negative things over you , can I tell you that is not love and you need to exit that relationship immediately .

You need to find somebody to talk to about that relationship , because that is not somebody you need to surround yourself with , because they are ultimately not pointing you to Jesus , because Jesus says hey , you are amazing , you are love .

Jesus says I have somebody just right for you that is going to treat you with respect that you deserve , that is going to treat you with the kindness that you deserve and the love that you deserve . That is not somebody that I have for you and you need to exit that relationship . Will it be hard ? Yes , will they try to keep you and slave you to them ?

Yes , but ultimately you running and you escaping is the best thing that you can do for yourself , and so don't allow yourself to be in that kind of relationship .

But if they are calling you higher , if they are telling you how good you are and how much better you can be than what you are maybe currently doing right now , that is a relationship that you should chase after . That is somebody that you should love throughout all of it .

Then we go a little bit further into this person's same question . A lot of you ask multiple questions , which I love , and this person says if you have only seen toxic love growing up , how do you know if you are showing toxic love to other people ?

I think generation curses are a real thing and I think a lot of us we inherit what we see , and , as me and Miranda are about to step into having a baby , the thing that I am learning , and the thing that we are both learning , is that what are some things about us that we don't want our child to see while they grow up ?

What are some things that we maybe say that we don't want our child to hear ? What are some , maybe , things that we do that we don't want our child to do when they grow up , because I believe that what children see , they then do themselves , and so maybe , when you have grown up , you have seen , maybe a divorce in your family .

You have never seen , maybe , a man in your household . It is very common today to not have men in the homes , to have dads and father figures in the homes . Maybe you are somebody that hasn't seen a father figure . Maybe you are somebody where your parents were together but they didn't act like they loved each other .

Maybe it was the toxic love that I just talked about , where they abused each other . Maybe the father abused your mom . Maybe your mom abused your dad . Maybe your dad verbally abused you . Maybe your mom verbally abused you . Maybe your mom abused you .

I don't know what the situation can be , but maybe you grew up in an environment where you didn't have a mom and dad who loved each other . Maybe you didn't even have a mom and dad . Maybe you were growing up with your grandparents . Maybe you were growing up with an aunt or an uncle . Maybe you were just growing up with your siblings .

Who knows what your environment looks like . But the thing I want to challenge you with is the things that you have seen in your life are not the same things that you need to do in your life . I think so many times we get caught up . And that's just who I am . That's just how I was raised . That's just what I've seen modeled for me .

So that's just who I'm gonna be . Can I tell you , you have the power to break generational curses . You have the power to get rid of the negative thoughts . You have power to get rid of the abusive mindset of being in a relationship .

You have the power to get rid of those generational curses and you have the power to step into something new and different that God is calling you to . And so maybe you've grown up and all you've ever seen is toxic love . That's not healthy .

Can I tell you , the way that you will know if that's how you do it , if that's how you , the way you will know if you're showing toxic love to the people in your life , is if you look back and go . Am I doing what my dad did ? Am I doing what my mom did ? Am I treating people ? Am I treating my boyfriend the way that my mom treated her ?

My dad , am I treating my girlfriend the way that my dad treated my mom ? And if the answer , if you are honest with yourself and the answer to that question is yes , then you'll know that you are living the same mindset and lifestyle that your parents were living , or what you were modeled to see in your lifetime .

But see , you are not called to stay that way . You don't have to be like that . I'll just be honest with you . My dad used to drink and smoke . He used to be an alcoholic and used to be a guy who smokes cigarettes all the time , and I watched that growing up .

Can I tell you from my perspective , as I got older , the one thing I told myself is I don't want to do that . I don't want to be like that . Another thing I told myself is my parents . They used to argue a lot .

They used to fight all the time about dumb things , and I told myself when I get into a relationship , when I get married , the one thing I don't want to do is just constantly be fighting all the time . I don't want to fight , I don't want to argue about dumb little things . Instead , I want to . I want to love each other yes .

Are we going to have arguments ? Yes , yes . Is it going to be difficult at times ? Yes , yes . Are we going to disagree on things , yes , but ultimately I don't want to model the same thing that my or I don't want to do the same thing my parents did in their relationship and my relationship . So you have the power to break generational curses .

You have the power to get rid of curses that you don't want . You have the power to live your life the way you want to live it , and so , if you don't like what your parents did , don't do what your parents did . Choose to do the opposite of what your parents modeled for you .

We're going to continue in these questions , and this person had three , and so we're going to go through all of them and it says when waiting for the one God has for you , what is something you can do to overcome the feeling of loneliness and emptiness ? I will say that is a common thing to feel lonely and to feel empty on the inside .

But what I want to challenge you with is being single is not bad . This world , this generation , is going to tell you that being single is the worst thing ever . Being single is the worst thing you can possibly be . You need to be in a relationship . You need to be dating somebody . Can I tell you , being single is amazing .

All right , can I tell you , being single is fun Because ? Why Is ? Because once you get older , you're stuck with that person for the rest of your life . Being married is fun , being in a relationship is fun , but being single allows you to be who you want to be .

Being single allows you to do the things you want to do , to go where you want to go , to have fun with whoever you want to

have fun with . Being in a relationship , it ties you down , and so I would encourage you , if you are feeling lonely , if you are feeling not empty on the inside Literally this is gonna sound very religious , but it's the truth in how we can overcome these things is pray about it . Ask God to take those feelings away .

Ask God to give you his peace , to give you his joy , to give you his comfort , because really all you need and it sounds so I would never tell some people to go like if some boyfriend asks you out girls and you're like , nope , jesus is my boyfriend , don't say that all right , that's weird , but ultimately , when it comes down to it , is that you and Jesus .

That's all you need , just to have a relationship with Jesus , to know that you are secure in him , to know who you are in yourself . So just begin to have a relationship with him .

Ask him to take away the loneliness , ask him to take away the emptiness , because ultimately , you're feeling lonely and you're feeling empty inside because the world is telling you those things .

And so if you have people in the world that are telling you you need a relationship , you need a boyfriend , you need a boyfriend , you need a girlfriend , you need a girlfriend , then you need to get rid of those people or tell those people to stop saying those things to you , because those people speaking that into your life is making you feel that way , is

making you feel empty , is making you feel lonely . And God does not call you to feel empty and lonely . He calls you to feel his joy , he calls you to feel his presence . We continue in their questions and it says and how do you respect someone from a past relationship without showing hate and resentment , if they've hurt you in the past ?

Here's what I'll say If you were in a relationship where somebody hurt you , if you were in a relationship where somebody did things to you that you should not have gone through , you don't want , you don't have to be their friend to you . Don't need to associate with them at all . Bye-bye , get out of here , gone , done , I'm not hanging out with you anymore .

Here's what I will say is you need to begin to ask God to heal you from that .

You need to ask God to heal you and when he begins to truly heal you and you allow him to heal you , what's going to happen is then you need to uh , you don't need to go to them and ask for forgiveness because they're the ones that hurt you , but you ultimately just need to pray that God will give you the peace to forgive them for what they have done .

That is so huge , and the process of healing is is asking God to heal you and allow you to forgive them for what they have done .

And when you truly forgive them and you truly let bygones be bygones , you literally put it behind you and you have forgiven them for what they've done , then you will be in a place where you won't look at them with hate and disgust anymore . You won't look at them and go I really don't like you .

You'll look at them the way God would look at anybody and you'll you'll be like I don't need to be friends with you , but ultimately , I'm not going to . I'm not going to , I'm not going to be friends with you , but ultimately , I don't hate you at the same time .

And so you need to ask God to to forgive you , you need to ask God to heal you , you need to ask God to free you

from them . And then this person said , lastly and biblically how do you deal , how do you deal with the feelings of disgust and feelings of impure If you've crossed boundaries with a past partner ? I think it's the same thing that I just said about the last question .

If you were in a relationship and you've done stuff , and maybe you're still in that relationship , it's okay . Um , god still loves you . I think that's the biggest thing you need to know is God still loves you . God still cares about you . God still has the best for you and what you need to do is begin one . You need to ask him for forgiveness .

God , I'm sorry , I messed up . God , I made a mistake , I fell into temptation , I did something that I regret . Lord , I asked for forgiveness and he will forgive you . God forgives us 99 times a day , seven times seven . He tells us to forgive and he does the same thing for us . He doesn't hold our past over our heads .

He doesn't say , hey , remember when you did this ? No , when we ask God for forgiveness , he will forgive us every single time . And so that's the number one thing you need to ask God for forgiveness . And then , number two if that is a relationship you are still in , then you need to set up boundaries . We talked about boundaries at the beginning of this .

You need to set up boundaries in place so that you don't cross those lines again . You don't cross those uh , do those things again . You don't put yourselves in that situation again , because God does not want you to keep doing those things . We don't ask for forgiveness and then keep doing it and then ask for forgiveness again .

No , god's going to give you grace , but ultimately he's . He wants you to repent from your actions and then move away from your , your sin . He wants you to move away from the things that you've done . And so you need to ask for forgiveness and then you need to run away from those things .

You need to set up boundaries and those feelings as you begin to ask God to forgive you , you need to begin to ask God to take those feelings away , because he loves you , he cares about you , and those things of being impure , those things of being disgusted with yourself , they won't last forever , but you need to ask God to remove those from you and ask for

his peace , his comfort , his joy . Um , I'm going to hit probably one more here as our time winds down , um , and I hope we answered these questions , uh , to good of your abilities . But then just stay tuned , because next week , I believe , we're going to drop a podcast with me and my wife , pastor Miranda . Y'all love her , y'all care about her .

Um , we're going to drop a podcast where we're going to talk more about these questions , more about the questions that you asked , and and just have a discussion about what it looks like . But I want to put one more question out there for you guys . Um , I'm going to skip over this one , cause we kind of hit this one .

Um , I'm going to say this what should I do if I keep getting a new boyfriend right after I break up with the other and we date for less than two months ? Um , here's what I'll say about that . If you were constantly dating somebody over and over and over again , you're just going from one boyfriend to another , maybe one girlfriend to another .

Can I tell you , you're in it just to be in a relationship . That's what you're in it just to date somebody . That's really what it is . You're not in it because you want to find the person you want to marry . You're just in it because you need , you feel the emptiness on the inside where you feel that you need a relationship .

You feel that you need somebody to date and we've talked about it kind of throughout this whole process is this idea of you need to ask God to fill you up . First relationship you should ever have is with your parents , but then the second relationship you should ever have with somebody is Jesus .

Jesus should be your number one priority relationship before friends , before a boyfriend , before a girlfriend .

Jesus should be the one that you chase after , because he will be the one to fill the void that is inside of you that makes you think that you need to be in a relationship , and that is why you are jumping from relationship to relationship , because there's something on the inside of you that is empty , there's something on the inside of you that is not being

filled the way it should and you are not allowing God to fill you the way that he should , and so now you're jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend , girlfriend to girlfriend , just so you can try to fill the void of being alone , fill the void of not having a relationship , fill the void of not being wanted or seen , and so you're jumping from everybody because you

just want to fill that void , and God has called us to not fill that void with other people . He's calling us to fill that void with him , and that is what we are calling relationships to put him first . And so I challenge you , if you're watching this this weekend , join us this Sunday , on the 11th February 11th .

I want to join you this Sunday because we are talking about how we can put Jesus first , how we can find a relationship where they are pointing us to Jesus and where we point them to Jesus as well . And so , youth , I love you . I hope that you found encouragement from these questions .

I hope you really leaned in with these questions , because relationships are such a big thing that we will be challenged on in our life , and so I want to give you every tool that you can . If you have more questions , send them to me . If you have more questions , that will message us at Riverside Youth on Instagram .

We would love to answer your questions about any relationship advice that you need , but we love you and we'll see you next time on the Youth Podcast .