Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up Live Joy Your Way.
Kamini Wood: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time to hang out here with me today. And today I want to, um, address something that confuses and often shames people who are making hard, healthy decisions in relationships, careers, families, and systems.
And it's the question around why walking away can feel. At times worse than staying, [00:01:00] at least at the beginning. Uh, this question comes up pretty routinely in my work with professionals, um, with leaders, parents and those who have survived some pretty toxic dynamics. People will say things to me like, I know leaving was the right choice, but I feel really bad, or I feel more anxious now that I'm not in the situation than when I stayed.
Or they'll ask me, you know, why Kamani, why does it hurt more after I've left? Like, why, why does it feel like the pain is greater now? Um, or even they go into a place of a little bit of self anger, which is, okay, if this was actually healthier for me, then why don't I feel better by now? Um, and those questions often lead more self-doubt to to happen, right?
Because what happens is, is they're assuming that pain means they made the wrong decision. They're assuming that this discomfort that they're feeling, um, means that it was the wrong decision, or that somehow their distress is a measure of some [00:02:00] failure. And so oftentimes they'll return to environments or relationships that were damaging, uh, because it is uncomfortable.
And so to deal with that discomfort, it's, they'd make the decision to just return to maybe what the unhealthy situation was before. So, um, it's important to just notice that, you know, just because the discomfort you feel after walking away, um, is present. It doesn't mean that it's evidence that the decision was wrong very often what it is evidence of is that your nervous system is actually recalibrating after a long time of adapting to a certain environment.
So. Just wanna actually slow down the conversation and kind of walk through it, you know, step by step. So, you know, the, the, the very first question, you know, like, if leaving is healthy, why do I feel worse? Well, the core problem is the expectation of the fact that, you know, we expect that as soon as we make a healthy decision, the feelings of relief and wellbeing are gonna be immediate.
So when we leave and it feels painful, and there's some [00:03:00] destabilization. It can feel kind of unbearable at times and, and people will assume, oh my gosh, I really was just too sensitive, or, I overreacted in a situation, or I really should have just tried harder. You know, I gave up too soon. Maybe they weren't cut out for boundaries and I should have just, you know, allowed them that space.
Um, or they just made a mistake. The expectation is reinforced sometimes also from our, either our cultural upbringing, familial, or social circumstances as well. Right. You know, um, we talk about empowerment, we celebrate old exits. We highlight the freedom on the other side, but sometimes we also hear, we wanna keep.
Um, you know, family units together as an example. What we don't talk about is that there is, um, an emotional withdrawal period that often follows separation, especially in, um, family systems, right? So whether that system was a relationship or, um, you know, a, a family dynamic or a role, I mean. What ends up happening is that we, we lose those things [00:04:00] and we're shifting belief structures.
We're shifting how things were shaped and people were familiar with. And so when we walk away, it doesn't just disrupt a circumstance, it disrupts almost like a whole system that we had set up. Um, and again, this happens at work too. You know, when we walk away from a work situation, there's a system that was set up at work and then we walk away from it and we can feel really dysregulated from that as well.
Um, not only. Personally, but also like if we've had colleagues at the workplace, you know, that could be another form of feeling really, um, disconnected from the people that you had formed really deep connections with. So the pattern, you know, why staying feels safer, uh, to the nervous system? It's, it's really understanding that our nervous system prioritizes safety, right?
Our nervous system wants to feel connected and safe. And, and, and it's because, you know, we, we. Identify with when we feel safe, that equals health. But, um, and we, we feel like if it's completely predictable, that also feels safe. I mean, [00:05:00] when I'm talking to clients, we talk about this routinely about how certainty creates a sense of safety.
So even in painful environments, what ends up happening is. We understand it. We know what to expect. Um, so we, while knowing what to expect, we know when to brace. We know how to, we learn how to adapt. We learn the mechanisms to maneuver situations. Um, and truly what we're doing is we're learning how to survive.
So over time, what's what's really happening is that our adaptation, the way that we've learned to adapt, that's what becomes familiar. And then that familiarity becomes. Normal. And, uh, that normal then becomes that comfort even though it's unhealthy and potentially harmful. So when you stay. Again, your system knows the rhythm.
Um, it knows the tension. It knows the hope. It knows the disappointment. It knows the recovery. It knows the repetition. And when you choose to leave, what you're doing is you're disrupting that pattern. You're disrupting that rhythm, [00:06:00] and it, that's when the uncertainty is introduced. That's when your own identity feels disrupted.
It's like, well, who am I now because I've. Over identified with the role that I was playing in that cycle. Um, we start to see increased social consequences. You know, there's gonna be judgements. People will have thoughts and feelings and opinions about whether you should have stayed or should have gone.
Um, you know. Some people really experience a loss of purpose when they step away from a relationship, and then we, you know, we start to grieve. We grieve the loss of whatever that relationship was. So from the body's perspective, from the nervous system perspective, that can feel like danger because the nervous system feels dysregulated from the uncertainty.
And that's why, uh, people will say, you know, I, I actually feel like I felt I was calmer when I was in the situation right when they first leave. Um, it's to remember though that that calm wasn't actually regulation and it wasn't actually peace. [00:07:00] It was conditioned regulation. It was adapted regulation. And another piece of the pattern involves attachment, right?
So as human beings and social creatures, we are wired for connection. There's a lot of research around attachment theory, attachment bonds, form, even in harmful dynamics. Uh, in fact, I would say that intermittent. Reinforcement, right? That period of connection followed by pain that can actually intensify attachment.
Many of you have maybe even heard of the concept of trauma bonds. Uh, but when you leave, you don't just lose the person or the environment. You actually lose that at that attachment bond. You lose that cyclical behavior. Um, if I were to refer to it as like, you, you lose the hope cycle. Um, you lose the. Up and down feelings.
You lose the dopamine hits, right? You lose the, the role you played, you, uh, the version of yourself in that situation. And so you start to experience, like we said [00:08:00] before, that discomfort. You might even notice that you're obsessively thinking about the person, um, or about the environment that look. For instance, the workplace, you might even start finding yourself romanticizing the past, right?
Like especially in workplaces, we might even catch ourselves saying like, oh, it wasn't that bad. You might even notice physical symptoms of anxiety. Um, and again, with the grief, you get the waves of emotional, you know, emotional numbness followed by real big sadness. And I just wanna say, this doesn't mean you made the wrong decision.
What this means is your nervous system as learning to detach from that conditioned. Form of regulation and it's learning to. Reorient itself and it, it's learning to recalibrate when working with individuals, especially leaders and professionals, I have noticed that they often struggle with this because they are so used to functioning through discomfort.
Uh, they start to interpret emotional pain as [00:09:00] incompetence instead of recognizing that it might just be a growth zone or a transition period. It's important to recognize that it's not a pathology, right? It's a process. Uh, going through that discomfort is a process. We don't get to go from one extreme to the other, right?
We don't get to go from this place of unhealthy all the way to, okay, I left and everything is great. And one of the most misunderstood moments about, um, about. Change is that, you know, that it will be totally fine the moment I leave. And so that's why I think a lot of people will return or they'll question themselves and create that sense of anxiety.
Um. And people do really, they did do return because that discomfort feels intolerable. Or they really actually don't even trust themselves, that they can make it through and they want reassurance. Um, or they fear that they made a mistake. I, I know that I've even had clients who've questioned the idea of whether they should return to, uh, a really toxic work environment just because.
A couple things come up. Of course, there's just fear about income, but it's also, I [00:10:00] may have made a mistake, I may have jumped too quickly, and they want that discomfort to stop, and so then they return and um, they realize nothing has changed. So, you know, you, you, those people who decide to do that, they go back, but again, they just break back into that survival mode.
Returning doesn't mean that. The, what you were dealing with originally has become suddenly healthy or it's better for you. Uh, and that's why it's so important to pay attention to shame because for those people who have chosen to leave a situation, very often, they'll find themselves shaming themselves saying things like, there was something wrong with me that I couldn't make it work.
I recently had a client say to me and share with me that she felt like a failure. And just listening to her share her story with me, it just really. It was heavy because you could hear all of the shame that was coming out and, and it, and she was on this edge of almost convincing herself that there was something wrong with her and therefore she should stay, um, with the situation that she was in.
And in reality, um. She [00:11:00] made the healthiest decision that she could for herself to, to step away from that. So here's the core shift I wanna offer. The pain that you feel after walking away is not a signal to go back. It's often a signal that your nervous system is recalibrating and you are learning a new way of being.
And. Um, of who, who you are becoming, right? That recalibration feels really raw. It feels disorienting. It feels like you don't know who you are. Like you might even say like, I have no idea who I am anymore. Um, and, and it could. Really be mixed with this longing and also relief at the same time. And this is the phase that really encourages and, and it, it's really the phase of, of looking for support and not judgment.
It's really looking for places and moments of stabilization instead of impulsive action. And it's really a time and place for self-compassion and not [00:12:00] self-criticism. So instead of the question of why does this feel worse, uh, really shift to, okay. What is my nervous system learning right now? Um, what is the thing that I am.
Grieving right now. Like what familiarity am I grieving or what kind of safety do I need to learn to create for myself right now? Those types of questions shift us from that shame-based question of like, you know, almost like a, what's wrong with me to how can I grow and evolve through this? And there are several things that help during the.
Okay, this is gonna be worse before it gets better. Um, none of it involved forcing yourself to feel empowered and toxic positivity through it. I, I, I really encourage people to normalize the experience, right? Knowing that this is a, an expected part of the process, reduces panic. You're not broken, you're adjusting.
The second thing is, is to slow decision making, avoid making new major [00:13:00] decisions from these heightened emotional states. It's about s. Stabilizing first, uh, getting that sense of clarity. Second, um, external regulation, super important. Supportive relationships, coaching, therapy structure. Remembering, you don't have to go through this alone.
And then the fourth one that I wanna really emphasize is internal validation. Instead of arguing with your feelings, it's important to notice them, name them, acknowledge them. This makes sense. Yes, this is hard. This is uncomfortable. This is sad. I am allowed to grieve and then really anchor into your values.
Return to your why. Why did you choose to leave in the first place? Stay oriented to what value of yours you are honoring. Are you valuing your, your, are you honoring your value of safety, dignity, health integrity, your own sense of peace, and reduce contact with the invalidating voices. It's okay for you to minimize contact with people who feel [00:14:00] destabilizing or, um, they don't, they don't offer nourishment to you and tend to your own self-care.
You know, sleep, nourishment, movement, all of that, you know, body and mind. They're all connected. So it's important for you to, to reconnect those and really take care of yourself as well. Now, if you're a leader or a professional, this phase can be really difficult, uh, because you're accustomed to. Being the leader.
So you're accustomed to being kind of in control and knowing what's happening. So you may be thinking to yourself, well, I should be past this. I should be stronger. Um, I shouldn't need this much support. Um, and not even just leaders. I think high achieving individuals struggle with that a lot. That thought of like, I shouldn't need this much support.
I should be able to get through this. Um, but. Leaders, high achievers, humans, like it doesn't. This is important to remember that, you know, we're just human beings doing the best we can, and when we walk away from a role or a system or relationship. It requires more [00:15:00] than, it requires, um, courage and bravery, and there's gonna be discomfort after that.
Uh, and it just really, I really re wanna reemphasize that that discomfort doesn't mean you've done something wrong. It's actually. An indication that something is shifting and moving. So if you're in this phase con, consider maybe a couple of these questions. You know, what feels most destabilizing right now?
Is it the loss? Is it the uncertainty? Is it the identity shift? Is it something else? Uh, what part of me misses familiarity more than safety. Another really important question that you could ask yourself is, what am I grieving that I haven't fully named? And what support am I maybe resisting because I think I shouldn't need it.
If you'd like to chat about this topic or anything else that you feel like coaching could help support you move forward in your life, whether it's professionally or personally, feel free to book a time with me at any time at coachwithkamini.com and until next time, stay well.
Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. [00:16:00] For more information, Book a chat with Kamini at www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you for listening!
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