Marital Melees & Sex Subpoenas: The Bizarre History of Divorce

he really is. His name is not Snickers, though I mean it is, but like he does not care about that any Yeah, he came with the name Snickers, but we don't think it fits and he doesn't seem to be in love with it. So he just said, I think he's like a Charlie or a Larry or something. I don't know why Larry the labordoodle. But well, whatever his name is, he's a sweetheart. He's just under two, right, and we just got him yesterday. Yeah, I got him home.

We were supposed to be holding him until he went to his forever home, but then his forever home fell through, so we are holding him. My aunt works with the dog rescues, so she asked us to just keep him for a little while while they figure out where he's going because he's going to get snatched up quickly, maybe by one of you all, if anybody's in Georgia or Hell, I mean, I don't know, maybe they'll arrange some transport for him. He really is just a sweet angel. Yeah,

total snugglebugs. So he's very much worth it to whomever would like a dog at this time. We don't, so that's why we're not snatching him up. But actually it's a good little segue to our podcast, which is also about what happens when you're forever home falls through. That's right, because I mean you guys know are probably guessed that our podcast is dedicated to love and romance, right culbriti gilst romance? Yes, but what happens as the muppet Christmas

Carol deleted song asks when love is gone? So today we are tackling some historical divorce courts, but our daytime television versions have nothing on these courts. We are taking you all to medieval Germany, where husbands and wives had to basically enter the Thunderdome to get a divorce, and then to sixteen fifties France, where the courts proved impetancy. With a very stunning piece of legal pornography. Okay, I'm ready for this, So let's divorce this introduction from the

show with the theme song and get going. I love it. Let's go. Hey, their friends come listen. Well, Elia and Diana got some stories to tell. There's no matchmaking a romantic tips. It's just about ridiculous relationships, a lover. It might be any type of person at all, and abstract cons at a concrete wall. But if there's a story, were the Second Clans Ridiculous Romans a production of iHeartRadio. Before we dive into the two most wild divorce courts ever,

we should probably get a little background. Oh yeah, and you know what that means. It's time to siddle up to the bar, put our hand on a stranger's knee, and have a quick fling with history. Oh I hate you so collaborative divorce. Texas has a great history of divorce around the world on their website. I love that Texas is like, Hey, if anybody knows divorce, it's us. I also love that they're like, you, guys should have

a collaborative divorce. Let's make this a nicer process everyone involved. Actually, that's nice. We're doing that. You know A divorce is just one more thing a couple does together. Hey, it's in fact the last thing you may do together. No, necessarily, I guess if you're co parent or something. Yeah, yeah, it happens, but it is one of the major last projects of a couple's life, right, Yeah. So they detail

a lot of different cultures and stuff. So like in ancient China, for example, a couple could get a divorce by mutual agreements. That's sort of nice, easy, Or the husband could force his wife for cause such as quote a lack of filial piety, failing to bear a son, adultery, gossiping, contracting a disease, or committing theft. This is crazy, they straight up. Or like break up with your wife if she gets cancer, I mean, which is shocking and horrible.

But I'm more stuck on gossiping, Like if you could divorce your wife for gossiping, there would be no marriages in the United States. Wow, they just what do you mean no gossiping, no gossiping about whom or what? Or is it just like you just need it. It's like glaucoma for medical marijuana, or it's just like just take your bad back or something. There's just some excuse. Did you hear out Cheryl? Well that's it, honey, I'm done with you. Dare you talk about Cheryl behind her back?

What do you care about Cheryl? She's been a good friend to you. I'm talking. It's also clearly ailing to bear a son and write children. Period. Oh yeah. Also filial piety in case you didn't know, which I didn't, it's a Confucian concept about respecting one's elders and ancestors. So I guess a guy could divorce his wife if she was like too mean to her mother in law or something like that, or she was like curse the ancestors. Wow thing. So if your wife was gossiping about your relatives, oooh,

you have two reasons to get rid of her. Collaborative divorce. Texas goes on to say that quote the only formal requirement for a consensual divorce was for the husband to write a note to his wife. Oh like, what's the note to say, hey, babe, this is your husband. It's been nice, but let's not Okay, okay, great, bye love you, bye see you. Never wait. So a husband writes a

note to his wife and they consider that consensual. I mean, I guess if if she's not got an argument against it or something, he wrote it and she read it, that's it takes two to tango. You know, what good is a written note if no one's around to read it? Have you even written a note no one's ever read it?

Does it make a sound? Well? Anyway? After communism changed China forever, it did become easier for women to sue for divorce, but men usually get custody of the kids, and it's very hard for a divorced woman to find a job, so probably still doesn't doesn't get instigated by the woman a lot. She has a lot to lose. The Code of Hammurabi, which is from around seventeen sixty four BC, this details divorced laws as well. Now women were allowed to divorce their husbands for desertion or neglect

or incompatibility. I feel like it's a bit more broad and well, and it's like, thank you, that's why I don't want to be with Yeah, everything else might be going great, we had seven sons together or whatever, but I'm just like I can't stand him, I can't stand her gossip. It's like we're literally the thing we're supposed

to be we're not, we're not. Yeah. Now, women had to present evidence at a tribunal of abuse or neglect and then they would say, quote, you are not congenial with me, and I was like the official declaration, I declare a divorce. Now, infidelity was not an acceptable reason for a woman to divorce her husband, but if a wife was proven to be cheating, she could be drowned

along with her lover. Again, something we've seen a lot of. Yeah, they're like, men are supposed to go out and spread their seed about for some reason, but you must be chaste and pure. Well, Betty, you haven't so much fun with Richard, are you? Well how about you and Richard go have fun in the river together forever. But see, that wouldn't be a lot of divorces for cheating because she would just be dead. He wouldn't have to divorce her. Oh yeah, she's just dead. Now, well, do they divorce

before they kill her? No? I don't think so. I think they're just like, she's cheating and they drown him and then he's like, now I'm a widow. So divorce obviously was most often initiated by the husband because they could divorce at will, but the wife had to do all this work to prove like abuse or neglect or whatever. First. Now,

most men divorced because their wives were infertile. But if that was the case, she was allowed to take her dowry back, which of course is the money or the property that the husband gets from the wife's family to take her off their hands and start their new life together. So a lot of men just wouldn't divorce anyway because they didn't want to lose that sweet, sweet fancy cash, that sweet sweet dowry. Those bedsheets are mine now. And

that's pretty similar to the laws in ancient Greece. Okay, if a woman wanted to divorce in ancient Greece, she or her father had to initiate a formal proceeding and bring evidence to a court of adultery, abuse, neglect, or abandonment some reason. Right right. Meanwhile, the man could be like, I'm just sick of this bitch and simply send their wife back to her father's house for any reason. The

deed was done, no formal and nothing required. Now, usually men divorced in order to make a more advantageous marriage, or because their wives could not have children. But just like in the Hammurabi code, he would have to return his wife's dowry or pay eighteen percent interest on whatever funds. I guess that he had already spent. So if she brought a lot of money to her marriage, he would

just stay with her for financial reasons. He'd like, I can't find that change anymore in my couch cushions, so I'm stuck with her. Okay. So it makes getting married, especially if you want children, a real gamble, right, Like as if you're not allowed to try and have children before you get married, right, but if you get married and y'all can't have children, you're either stuck there or you gotta pay big bucks to get out of it.

Why don't they just let people figure it out before they get married, say everyone, a lot of Greece, Great, you know. I mean, I'm asking an old, old question that should have been answered centuries ago. But right, well, it might be choked up to what old what condoms used to be? Like what I'm saying time on the right.

But I'm not even talking about non reproductive sex. I'm talking about let people try and have children and then get married once they're pregnant, or even just have children before they get married, you know what, shock of shocks, it doesn't change that much, right, well, And I think that's kind of you know, a lot of this is of course about people with money, right, so if you're poor, If you were poor at any given time, I think it was more common that, like you know, one or

the other spouse would just kind of leave, and then after a few years everyone would just kind of okay and get married again. You know what it because nobody there's no property to care about, you know what I mean, social whatever, just moves the next town until everybody forgot you were married, right, Like I mean, you know, I guess you could if there's some good records in your particular part of history, someone could find evidence of bigamy.

But how often were people writing that down? And you know, how to write a Bible or something, if they knew how to write exactly, so probably you know, this is again mostly I think about people with that had something to bring to the table, and if there was like two poor people, it was like whatever whatever y'all want to do, who cares? Or Because my history of ancient Greece comes almost entirely from looney tunes, they're like carving into a stone tablet like Jerick Les married Meg on

Augustus fourth, a beautiful month, Yeah, lovely outdoor wedding. Yeah, at the Parthenon where all things happened. I assume for tens of thousands of years, it was like the only event space in all of Greece. But it is not just about money, of course, because there's other things you produce in a marriage, like children, and men almost always kept full custody of their children too. Yeah. So if you heard our Sir Richard and Lady Seymour Worsley episode,

we learned that children are considered their father's property. So it's highly unusual for a wife to be able to take her children with her in a divorce. And I think that's likely another very big reason that a lot of women didn't bother with it. I mean, aside from the difficulty of getting one, she's having to think, Okay, I'm also having a lead behind my darling Adolphus or whatever,

you know. I don't know, it feels to me and I could be talking crazy here, but like, for example, if you had to ascribe children as property to one of the parents, it does seem like maybe the one who sort of had them inside their body for nine months or so would be one and the conclusion I'm drawing, And don't let me get ahead of myself here. I feel like a lot of societies have things set up in such a way that skews. I don't know, this is crazy. Excuse power. I don't know. I feel weird

even saying it, but maybe excuse power towards the men. Sorry, I know, that's outrageous. That's the craziest thing I ever heard said. I've never been proven totally baseless accusation against literally almost every society on the planet. I mean, yeah, all right, forget I said anything like that. Qute away that pitchforks and torches um, you know, because the other thing that's always true is that men are really good at being criticized. So yeah, I know I won't hear

anything about that. So anyway, I mean, not from our audience. Come out and let's be honest. Y'all are great, All right, Well, let's talk real quick about one of the most famous divorce cases. Of course. In fifteen twenty seven, King Henry the Eighth decided he wanted to get rid of his wife Catherine and marry the younger and prettier Anne Bolin, and don't worry, this is not our King Henry the

Eighth episode but a paragraph. And as Amanda Foreman points out in Smithsonian Magazine, King Henry's break with the Catholic Church to create his own church where he would be allowed to remarry led to only one divorce in fifteen fifty two. She writes, quote, the term was not even used again until sixteen seventy. In fact, while Protestant Europe was beginning to embrace the idea that there could be justifiable reasons for ending a marriage, England actually took a

lurch backward. Not only did King Henry the Eighth's new church come out against divorce under any circumstances, but it also far outstripped Catholic Europe in the restrictions of granting unknownments. How weird is that? Yeah, there had no idea that was your whole point of coming into existence. Yeah, she's writing like, oh, this is supposed to be the thing that like opened the floodgates of divorce or whatever, and then when you actually look at it's like, no, not really.

In fact, the Church of England hated divorce so much that they instituted the rigamarole of requiring a special Act of Parliament to get one, which meant that both houses had to vote a law through, as we saw with the Sir Richard and Lady Seymour episode. The very few people, of course had the money or the moxie to be put through such idea public spectacle. So divorce was still

very uncommon. Foreman says, quote, when a divorce law was finally enacted in eighteen twenty four, the number of divorces in English history stood at a mere three hundred and twenty four. That's outrageous. It's like very few. Yeah, especially we talk about him doing it in fifteen twenty seven or whatever, King Henry in fifteen twenty seven, and all we up to eighteen twenty four hundred crazy and two

hundred and eighty seven of those were him. So well, that's she was like even he only had the one, otherwise he killed him or they died. Yeah, so his death was easier than divorced to get other Just while I'm making wild accusations this week, it also feels, I don't know, maybe this belongs in speculation station. It feels sometimes like both churches and uh and state governments are maybe a little too focused on people's personal love lives.

I don't know, I don't know again, wild baseless claim from Eli well Amanda Foreman also points out how like hard pressed the courts really were to figure out exactly how badly a man had to behave before a woman could get a divorce from him, because remember again if you heard it, Lady Seymour had to destroy her own reputation to prove that her husband was letting his friends watch her undress and stuff before she could even get a legal separation. They didn't even get a divorce, they

just got a legal separation. And Foreman points out that financial Shenanigan's rape, brutality, and infidelity were not enough for most women to win their lawsuits. Only a couple cases differ. And it's worth noting why first she talks about Barbara Villiers in seventeen oh seven. She was one of Charles the Second's favorite mistresses, but ridiculous romantics may remember her being name checked by John Wilmot in his poem signor Dildo as having quote swallowed more pricks than the ocean

has sad. Oh, that's her, that's her, her oil our girl. When she was sixty four, she married a man ten years younger than her, named Robert bow Fielding. Six months later, she found out he was already married to a wealthy widow named Anne Delo. And she only discovered that because bou Fielding found out that Anne Delo was actually a woman named Mary who was friends with Anne's hairdresser, and not a wealthy widow at all. What she was completely

faking it. He had been tricked into marrying some other bitch thinking she was a wealthy widow, and then he tricked Barbara into thinking he was not married so that they could also get married. Wow, isn't this crazy? Well, bou was so pissed off when he found out he'd been tricked that he beat Barbara so badly that she actually jumped out of a window to get away from him. WHOA,

So he beat the woman who didn't like down him? Okay, because you know when you consider a wife a man's property, He says, I can do whatever I want to her. Take it out on her. Foreman writes that Barbara was able to successfully divorce him, but by the time it was official, he quote had already run through a great deal of her money and seduced her granddaughter, leaving her pregnant with his son. Oh my god. And I don't want to hear any gossiping about it either, Oh my god.

But note, of course that it is the bigamy, not the brutal beating that got Barber her divorce. Yeah. Apparently only one guy was brutal enough to his wife that Parliament granted her a divorce based on violence done to her, and that was the Earl of Castlehaven in sixteen thirty one.

This guy's crimes included, quote, hiring his male lovers as his servants and giving them full control of the household, marrying off his eldest daughter to one of his lover servants, colluding in the seduction of his adolescent stepdaughter, and finally holding down his wife while she was raped by one of his servants. Oh god. Yeah, So this guy villain of the week, absolutely maybe of the century. His defense was that a wife's body belonged to her husband and

he could do whatever he wanted to it. Apparently the prosecution wasn't really able to argue with the first part that he owned his wife's body, but they disagreed with his conclusion that he could do whatever he wanted with it, but they still didn't grant a divorce. Instead, the Earl was sentenced to death and beheaded. But again, death easier than divorce. Yeah, yeah, I would rather just kill him than you know, sign seven papers. In this case, I

think it was good because he should not get married again. No, definitely not. Cannot trust this man. No better way to stop a man from getting married a second time then shop his head off. Well, I mean, if I can jump into speculation station myself very quickly, maybe it was like the gay stuff rather than the rape and incest

that kind of decided parliament. I mean, given the history of how they act when a husband is cruel to his wife versus how they act when a man is learned to be gay, You're not, that's not out of the question. If it was given this extra layer of like debaucherous you know what I mean, like in human behavior, because he had these male lovers and stuff and they

were that's not cool. I know. In that time, it was a little bit different because it was sort of I mean, John Wilmot, for example, was pretty bisexual and that of his contemporaries were, so it might not have been the same, but they might have been like, you don't bring that to your wife though, that's crazy, you know, I don't know. So anyway, we can see that divorce has been frowned on for literally millennia. I mean, even when it was allowed in ancient cultures, the stigma associated

with getting a divorce mostly kept people from going for it. Yeah, but when people are truly miserable together, they are ready to do anything they need to do to get away from each other. And in medieval Germany that was quite an undertaking because their divorce court involved a literal fight to the death. And we will tell you all about it right after the Welcome back to the show, everybody. Now, we have to thank our dear friend Sammy at Jukebox

Sammy sending this in as a suggestion. We just threw it in with the impotency court and it made a wonderful episode, So thanks Sammy. Good looking out. So medieval Germany invented the marriage brawl, and back then trial by combat wasn't really all that uncommon, but it was weird to see a woman take to the ring herself. You know, she usually had a champion designated for her, Oh right, yes, often, of course, it was her husband, sure, but when she was ready to leave that husband, she had to be

her own champion. I guess you couldn't be like, stop hitting yourself, honey, you have disgraced me, but you also must defend us, So go punch herself in the face now again. People still did not want to divorce to happen all right. They still were like, not a good thing for society or whatever. So usually the couple were given a month or two to try to cool off and settle their differences in a more peaceful way, okay, and if they were able to kiss and make up,

the trial would be called off. Great for no foul. Yes, sometimes all you need is a month or two to get over yourself. True, you just get home. You're like, I'm over it. Yeah, I guess I was being a jerk. Or I guess they were being a jerk. But I can handle it easier than signing seven papers. He finally took the trash out, So I guess we can cancel the fight to the death. Because if they didn't settle things, you know, outside the courtroomor off the battlefield, the marital

duel would commence. And there were a lot of rules Firstly, the wife had to put on this very form fitting outfit, so instead of the usual heavy skirts she would wear, she'd have to wear this thing that kind of looks like a medieval version of a jumpsuit. Right, arms, legs, I don't know it is. They're a little fanny flap right in the back. Casey, I gotta run the rest her real quick. In either case, it's not sexy, but it gets all the skirt cloth out of your way,

and it leaves her limbs freed to maneuver. Now, she was given a sack with a rock in it as her weapon, like a like a sock full of quarters, and she could move around the arena freely. But the husband had one hand tied behind his back and he had to stand in a hole up to his waist at the very center of the arena. I imagine he's just wearing his regular clothes, right, because there's already Yeah good, we need to let her limbs free, come dressed, ready

to move, ready for movement. It's a theater joke there, you get those notes before rehearsal. So okay, so you've got the lady. She's hopping around the arena in her little jumpsuit. She's got her sack with a rock in it. And this guy's planted in the ground in a hole like a house plant, and he has given a club which is the same length as the lady's rock sack as his weapon, and he's not allowed to get out

of the hole. And the idea being, of course, that men already had the advantage in any fight because there are men, they're big and strong, and they're always ready to fight. Um, so this was supposed to kind of equalize the footing a little bit. Now there's some other rules, like the guy can't touch the sides of the hole or he will lose one of his three available clubs, and then he has to fight unarmed at that point,

I guess. So she pulls a club away, he can get like if she like tosses it or something, you've got he's got three lives next to him. You lose a club or maybe he breaks one he like swings too hard, hits the ground. Do you think he was allowed to throw it at her? Big risk? Yeah, you want it? You only got three? You're ready to throw one? What if you miss? That's so true? Probably wait for it to come. Can she pick up the club. I don't know she got a sack gan a club. I

don't think. I think she's only allowed her sack, all right, rock sack, only her rock sack. So this is straight up like whack a mole. He's like he's in a hole and she's trying to beat him over the head. Yeah, don't touch the sides too. It's like operations. Yeah. True, we had a lot of games out of this now. According to Professor Kenneth Hodges at the University of Oklahoma, a legendary fencing instructor named Hans Talhofa wrote an illustrated

instruction manual in fourteen sixty seven called fact Book. Oh I hope that's not a curse word. Factbook book, man, I'm so sick effect book. Every time I log on, I say factbook, damn Zuckerberg and facook. Well, this book provided ideas and methods for how to fight these marital duels. Okay, so he's like a straight up an instruction manual. Okay, he's got two fights illustrated, one where the man wins

and one where the woman wins. And, as the professor points out, even though this practice is considered to have been pretty rare after the year twelve hundred or so. Hans presents this information very matter of factly. Okay, there's nothing titillating or weird about it. You know. He's not doing a podcast where he was like, look at these crazy for medieval times. He's like, this is real shit,

this is a real fight. Wow. And he clearly expects women to be part of his audience of this book because he's giving them some tips for winning as well. But of course his play by play is pretty dry. Sure, so we thought we would spice it up for you. So place your bets and enter the Thunderdome because it's time for fight. No, please, got a killer fight tonight between Hatsl the Hammer and his wife, Bruta the Brutta.

These two are going head to head to see who will win divorce to the Bruta isn't a strong position. She's up to her husband's weight, and if looks good kills, she would already be the winner. Bob, that's right, Frank, don't count Hansel the Hammer out just yet. He's a tall guy with long arms, so his reach with that club is nothing. To see, Dad, These odds are only getting short. Oh, we've got a great referee out there, the expert himself, Hans. Oh, yeah, that's in the game.

Literally wrote the book on how to win this match made in hell. Our combatants have limbered up, Hansel. The Hammer's arm is securely tied. Uda the Bruda has her sack of rocks and that's the bell. Oh, Bud starts strong. She has struck up blow, swinging that sack like a sack full of rocks. Hansel. The Hammer defected the blow and caught it. Now he wishes to pull her to him and subdue her. Watch out, Uda the Bruda. Oh no, don't touch the sides there, Hans. Oh, he's got buzzed.

That's one club down. Now Uda has broken away from him and she attempts to strangle him. She has laid him on his back and wishes to strangle him and drag him out of the hall. Have you ever seen anything like this, Frank, Oh, might be over. The Hammer has pulled Bruna to him. I've thrown her in the hole. She is in the whole, Frank, han I sold the hammer. Wh what a matchlop, What a incredible And then they bring a belt out, you know, and there's a hole.

There's like a lady in a bikini. You get it. Yeah, just fill the hole in right there. Just well pretty much honestly, because in the match where the woman won, Hans Tolhoffer describes the wife grabbing the husband quote by the neck and buy his member and wishes to drag him out of the hole. She got him by the dick. It's crazy. The pictures are amazing. The other thing to note here is that, like, we're not really clear how

a contestant wins a fight. Blood is clearly visible throughout the fight illustrations, so it's not like it's a first blood thing, and no one can say for certain if it was a fight to the death, if they had to get the other one pinned or for any reason, or if somebody just had to like tap out and surrender. But it turns out that it doesn't really matter because whoever loses the divorce battle was put to death anyway. If the husband, if Hanseled the hammer, lost, he would

be executed in the town's square. But if Uda the brutal lost, she had to go in her own hole on the ground to be buried alive. Oh my god, which to me, also, the stakes have been up for both of them. But I feel like Utah's going to fight a little harder Uda is going to I mean, what a terrifying thing. Yes, this is not just a fight for your life, but a fight to not get buried alive in a hole in the ground. Okay, Like I think I would take that month or two real seriously,

I try to get some marriage counseling. Yeah, true. I mean if it just ended up in the fight, I think I would go, like, I don't know, the gamma radiation might be unlocked in me to end up getting buried alive, and I would just hulk out the desperation. Yeah, it would lend itself. Would I would punch through the ground, reach into that hole and just crush that guy. I think the paste well, and you know they already are

mad at each other. Probably I almost think it's so brutal and you shouldn't do this obviously, but it might have been a useful, like counseling thing. We're like, just beat each other in a fair fight, and now it's over. You're good, right, Okay, everybody's fine. Okay, go home and shut up those phone bats and the Simpsons. Yeah, well, fortunately this cage match to divorce completely petered out in

the sixteenth century. People filing were like, you know what, maybe this is not the best way to go about this. But it was replaced, at least in France by something even crazier, what the impotency course, boy, And we will tell you all about that after day. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So, since children were so important in marriages, one of the only reasons a wife could bring a divorce case against her husband was if he couldn't get

it up and make her pregnant. And this was true pretty much everywhere, according to Tony Paritat on the smart set dot com. Theologians agreed that the purpose of marriage was procreation around the thirteen hundreds, so wives would accuse their husbands of quote injurious non consummation, and then it was up to the husband to prove that his penis was in fact up to the task and improper working order, which he had to do in front of an expert

team of priests, surgeons, and midwives. Of this expert team, like, we've all studied the functionality of the penis in public exhibition sites in our time, and I can tell you I know a working one when I see it, that's right. I can't describe it, but I know it when I see it. No lay person could come in here and say whether or not a penis is working. It took

years of study. Well. The French historian Pierre d'armond, in his book Damning the Innocent, detailed the procedure where this team would carefully inspect the member in question for elastic tension and natural motion, and then demand proof of ejaculation. But of course, as you might have guessed, having a bunch of strangers poke and product, your dick was not conducive to feeling hot and bothered. In fact, during one husband's examination, he apparently told the panel of experts, quote,

just looking at you makes me a shrivel. Gee. I don't know, Judge Hawthorne up there just ain't doing it for me. I don't know why, but this fifteen panel of old doctors in midwife right, and the priest I've known since I was a boy. But a man of stout heart and stouter penis could get the case dismissed right there if he could stand the exam. However, if he understandably failed that exam, he could ask for a trial by congress, which is kind of a hilarious play

on words. It required a congress of experts to convene and watch the guy have marital congress with his wife to prove that he could perform congress congress, get it and get it, get it. A Tony parrotet points to a number of accounts from the time that provide the details. So the location had to be neutral territory agreed on by both parties. I don't want you to go in somewhere where you know you get aroused. That's right, you can't have them. You know, you can't go to your

bedroom or the mirrors on the ceiling. Honey, why don't we go through this experiment at the strip club? Up that's my mistress's house. So then the couple was examined to make sure they weren't doing anything to trick the experts. Oh Tony writes that quote men were known to smuggle tiny vials of blood onto the scene, which would fool observers into thinking that the wife's maidenhead had been taken without actual penetration. What um known to do it? That

means more than one guided. This was a common move. It's like bringing a bag full of pee into your drug test. Oh my god. They also apparently would bring little like vials of just other liquid to make it look like they had I guess had ejaculated as well. So, I mean I learned from a friend who worked in the porn industry that Pina Klota mix is great for that. That's true. We used it, didn't we in one of our Yes, we got that trick for a reason. Yeah. Yeah, Well link to that one day when we know we

can't get fired. That's right, that when that day comes. So finally, after they had been to their neutral territory and they had been cavity searched for vials of liquid, the unhappy couple were ordered to the bed and male surgeons and priests would watch from behind a partition or perhaps like just outside like a half cracked door. Meanwhile, the female midwives were hanging out by the pillows, fully able to lock eyes with either participants at any time.

I'm sexy yet, Oh man, I'm ready to go? Are y'all getting too turned on by this description? What is happening? How funny someone had to sit here and think this through, Like I had to be like, okay, well, we can't have the guys just in there. That's that's crazy. Yeah, now that's too far. We'll put them behind a piece of lattice, a thin piece of gauze. Ought to do it. Okay, you'll go ahead. I'm not even here. Okay, just accepted.

You are here now. According to the Paris Review, divorce was illegal in France, but in fourteen twenty six there is mention of a marriage being dissolved due to an impotent They called him just another example of just like defining someone by a single characteristic. He's like, I'm I'm also really beautiful, I have great handwriting. Yes, I'm a baritone of a baritone, I like to read, and a brother.

That's not clear how the trials and all the rules around them developed, but the Review writes quote, by the sixteenth century they had reached a kind of carnivalesque zenith that was, even in its attempts to be restorative, very humiliating. Seriously, because not only were you having sex in front a bunch of strangers and legal folks and religious people, everyone dined out for weeks on the gossip and the speculations, so your private sex life was the main topic of discussion.

At dinner tables and salons everywhere. You know, it was like the big fight is coming, right, and they're like, what do you who's your money on? Do you think he's going to get a boner or not? Do you think he's ever gotten one before? This is the kind of thing that I think gets a little lost in history, and it's just like, oh, sure people were talking shit, but like when you're actually in it, it's very painful and embarrassing, and you're like, I can't, I don't I

feel like I can't go out. Yes, everyone's just whispering and laughing at me. You know, it makes it very hard for to be alive for a while. Right on top of all that, the whole procedure was medically dubious, since like nobody really knew the difference between impotence where you cannot achieve an erection, and sterility where like, you know, maybe you can have sex all day, but you can't get someone pregnant, and to them that was one of the same thing. If you were one, you were the other,

that's right. Now. This obviously led to plenty of problems because some men were deep impotent and their wives were given a divorce but the men would go on have kids with some other lady. Oh. So it turns out they just couldn't get it up for her for her interesting awkward. I imagine probably the other way around too, were like, you know, someone was like, oh, I guess you're not you're not impotent, therefore you can have a baby.

But then they still never get that child right because the wife could be impotent, could be you know, or again it's just incompatible and they cannot make it happen right. And one of the last and most famous trials by Congress was the case of the Marquis de Langi, and in sixteen fifty three he married a thirteen or fourteen year old girl named Marie. The marquis was twenty five something else. I'm glad is over with. We don't do that anymore. But apparently this started out as a pretty

happy union. It's like letters from Marie showing her impatience when he was gone and how happy she'd be when he came home, and so everything seems fine. She's fourteen, she's probably doodling in her notebook missus marquis. Yeah, But four years later, when she's grown up, she's eighteen in sixteen fifty seven, she accused the Marquis of impotence, so they both had to be examined, Marie for proof that she was still a virgin and the Marquis for proof

that is dick worked. Okay, So that's the other thing I want to say, is that if they had or if they had sex at any time, like if on their wedding night, he was not impotent, but every other time afterward, do you know what I mean, She's still not a virgin, right, So her case becomes a lot harder to prove. So they had this exam and the experts found that both of them were fully capable of

performing their conjugal duties. Marie was not a virgin, and one of the examiners apparently said, quote, it cannot be denied that Languie has done a fair amount of work with his ten fingers these past four years. But Marie would not accept this verdict. She said, if she's no longer a virgin, it's just because Langy insisted on making quote fruitless advances at her, and he was like brutish in bed and stuff. Oh but that made the Marquis double down and insist on a trial by Congress to

prove her wrong again. Now Paris Reu points out this was unnecessary. The court had already found in his favor that everything was cool, but his ego simply would not let him take the w So he's like, let me do it in front of y'all, like a trained seal. I'm gonna show you how good I have sex. Leading up to the trial, Parisians of all classes placed bets, and they drew caricatures. They swapped around smutty pamphlets. They generally got a good buzz going on this scandal. Now,

most of society was on the marquise side. He was a pretty good looking, he was rich, he had a title, and Marie was of course a bitter lying Herodin trying to ruin her husband's reputation. And when they showed up at a luxurious bathhouse for these proceedings, Marie was booed

loudly by the crowd. But when the Marquis showed up apparently strutting, as one contemporary account says, quote for all the world, as if he were already in one society, lady named Madame Dolone declared, quote, I would so like to be condemned to trial back on grass I wish he was having sex with me in front of a whole crowd of people for legal reasons, Think again, Malone.

How de Langy was feeling confident. He even called out to the panel of experts, quote, bring me two fresh eggs that I may get her son at the first shot, which I don't even know what that means. I know, like, do you think that you can he's going to fertilize a chicken egg by sleeping with your wife. I don't know what he's got. He's like, I'm so fertile, right, No, everybody's gonna end up pregnant by the end of this. He was just like, whatever, it's a witnesses that everybody

loves me. Colling is shot like a baseball player, right corner pocket like a billiards ball. But you know, as you might have already guessed, it's not that easy to have sex like a trained seal in front of fifteen pairs of watchful and judgmental eyes. And according to the Paris Review, one trial in Raim had the husband call out several times, come come now, but he never actually did, and then his wife laughed out loud and told the experts quote, do not hurry so for I know him well.

And afterwards, according to the report quote the experts said after that never had they laughed as much nor slept as little as on that night, which sucks for the guy. Everyone's just giggling it up, having a great time, and he's like, God, damn it, and just like this hapless husband in him, Delangi was confident, but ultimately unsuccessful. The doctors heard the Marquis grunt, curse and pray for two hours before he finally gave up crying quote, I am ruined.

Which did they just have to sit around for hours? Yeah, waiting for this guy to get a boner. They usually gave him an hour or two to have sex. Oh my god, and they would go look and see if there was appropriate emissions or whatever. Okay, everyone, we're gonna take a lunch break. Okay, be back here in twenty we're gonna see if anything is going on yet and

again keeping him on. Just like the marital duel, these are two people who don't like each other anywhere, so they're trying to have sex not only in front of a bunch of people, but with someone they fucking hate. Yeah, so it's really no wonder. Like God, Marie, I'm just so sick of your ass. I can't can't get it up. Now,

the fallout of this failed coitus was immediate. All the women who had been drooling over him on his way in were now like, oh, never mind actually, and don't want the fuck him after all, not that they think about it. And now there's no word on if anyone retracted all the crap they talked about Marie, but it's doubtful, although she did quote publicly revel in her vindication. I would love to have seen Okay, yeah, probably this time we saw some caricatures of him with like a real

whim yeah, looking like a real piece of shit. Now the Marquis name became synonymous with flacidity, so people, oh sorry, I can't denight, honey, I got a real DELANGHI. I was so tired last night. I was a real de langy in bed. To make it up to her, Oh yes, I tried to have some fun with Pierre last night, but he was dalgi on that long. So this guy now is made a laughing stock and he wanted a retrial. But it was that I had to do that. Let me putting myself through this. I guess Broule or nothing,

get over it. I know, maybe he's just a really bad gambler. Yeah. Well, they denied it anyway, and he was required to return Maurice's dowry and forbidden to ever remarry. But he did anyway once he moved to the provinces, because again, like you know who's checking up on this stuff.

That's fair. And he ended up having seven children. But according to the smart set, when he tried to boast to a former enemy of his about this and be like, see, I told you my dick worked just perfectly, the man replied to him, quote, but sir, nobody has ever had any doubts about your wife. Damn yeah, burnt. Of course, this wild trial had its detractors at the time. Not everybody was like, this is a great and normal thing

to be doing. Healthy and normal. Voltaire famously wrote, quote, these astonishing researches have been carried out by no one anywhere in the world other than our theologians, and they have, in their earnestness, laid bare that which should be cloaked in the secrecy of night. But it was Delanghi's trial

that pretty much changed the game. Jacob Gaines, who is a urology medical student who wrote a paper about these trials, told Salon magazine that the trial being so well known and then Delanghi going on to father a bunch of children with someone else, helped cast a lot of doubt on the credibility of the Okay, so any man who was accused could be like, yeah, I'll go through the whole thing if you want me to, but it doesn't

necessarily prove anything. Yeah, and reasonable doubt. Shit. The trials did continue for years afterward, but they pretty much died out in seventeen twelve. Man, So I love the Delanghi may such a fool out of himself that it changed the legal system forever. I know, right, you know he thought too highly of his dick, right I suppose, or his prowess in bed. But he really thought it didn't matter if he liked her or not, or I don't know. Maybe it was some long con and that was this

plan all along, to be associated with flacidity forever. No. No, he's like, I'm I'm gonna take that bullet to get this law changed. I'm gonna show everyone how dumb this is maybe, I mean, he was egotistical enough. Maybe he was like, I'm handsome and charming enough that people will get over it, right, they did get all about it? Someone did or she never knew right, or she was like, well,

let's see, maybe Marie was the problem. Well, look y'all, divorce obviously is never a picnic, even when it's mutual and friendly. At its worst, it could be painful and emotional and acrimonious, exhausting, you know, financially devastating. Obviously, there's a lot of challenges that come from divorce, but at the very least we can be glad that it no longer includes trial by combat or trial by congress anymore, what I would call whack a mole or filler hole. No,

of course you would. On that note, Now I'm filing for divorces, grounds for divorce, and now you can just do it whatever you whenever you want, for any Oh yeah, so kind of now I don't need no proof and just go into the courtroom and be like, ah, my deck doesn't work with her, and they're like, sir, you don't have to do that. We don't need to know that information that can be between you and God well, don't leave your thoughts about this episode between you and God,

because we want to hear. Oh, we sure do, We sure do. Please do reach out to us, especially if you have suggestions, or if you want to talk about this episode, or if you have you know, corrections to whatever. Yeah, we love to hear from you. Our email address is predict Romance at gmail dot com. Maybe you have your own cre easy divorce story that you want to share with us, to share with the world, reach out on

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