Berangier of the Long Ass

you could understand what we're saying. I hope that matters most, and that is sort of the point of a podcast. Quality is secondary, tertiary even even Yeah, we had a great time in Palm Springs watching our friends get married. Yes, beautiful wedding out in the open air of the desert. Only a brief minor sandstorm right before the ceremony started. It was really just a lot of wind that it inherently brings sand with it when you're in the desert. Um, so we were all like rubbing our eyes like, no,

I'm crying, it's not the sand. What was cool though, was that our friend, of course, had a very long, beautiful veil and so the wind kind of did like a Beyonce effect for her perfect. So I'm glad it didn't mess up and like go the other way, you know what I mean. It was just like in the wind like a damn painting. It really was, really was such a nice time. Whether it was perfect beautiful out there in Palm Springs, who knew? Yeah right, But yeah, I guess we've we have been a little bit quiet

on the podcast. Um, partly because of our insane driving and for hours and then crashing at a at a seedy hotel. I guess they're not seedy. That's not fair, but you know what I mean, roadside motels and stuff, and um, just partly that and partly that, you know, we had a bit of a family tragedy in my family while we were out there. Um, and it was very crazy. Yeah, I wish I had better words to explain how weird it is to be first of all, three thousand miles away from your home that and you

drove three days, you know, so you're not close. You can't just go right back or anything. And to be so happy about our friends and to be at this amazing destination party with a bunch of our other friends who had you know, we hadn't seen and over two years, you know, maybe even before the pandemic because they moved and just all scattered about. So it was just such a wonderful high energy, like giddy energy around this wedding.

And then, um, also a death in my family that was very sad and uh so it's sort of and then a couple of days later, my cousin had her first baby, and it was just like, oh my god, it's like union's death, birth, like everything about life and just compressed in a couple of days. It was just a very crazy roller coaster and I don't like roller coasters person, so a little bit difficult to get our head in the game, I guess. Um. And now, of course we just got home and we have to turn

back around and go to Michigan for the funeral. So uh yeah, it's just been uh, it's just been tough to keep up with everything. It's it's been a whirlwind. Uh what ten days, not even like, yeah, that's a real sandstorm of a week, and uh, we're getting through it, um, but it has shifted what you know, we're capable of doing, I think in that time and so so we decided

to come back today with with something a little different. Yeah, that's been I know, we've kind of been doing things that are a little different for the last couple of years. I can't wait to get back to our like, you know, dense biographical episodes. So much fun. There have been so many good suggestions from y'all, by the way, Like I cannot tell you the amount of stories that we have just from you that I'm like dying to get into. Like, y'all have some really good stuff. So thank you for

all those suggestions. I swear we are just so excited to get into them. That is very true. And uh and as soon as we get back from Michigan next week, we'll be jumping into some of those. Yeah, we'll get back to those wonderful profiles and character stories and everything like that. But since we didn't have time for a good research project this week, we thought we'd just have

a little fun with you all today. Um, while we were researching for our two parter about sex toys with ridiculous history, which hopefully all heard pretty good time, we found a few body poems back in the day people talking about naughty stuff, and one of them we actually left out because it was just too long to do in a poetry corner for les. So we thought it might be fun to read it to you today and have a nice performative reading of a poem called Barranger

of the long Asshole. And it was written in the thirte Tree. And it's a type of poem called a fablio. And needless to say, not that everyone gathers around with their toddlers to listen to this show, but it is a It is definitely not safe for your century work. You know, it's got some raunchy language, but it's like seven year old language, so it's kind of, uh, it's not that bad, but it's hilarious, so funny. Um The Riverside Chaucer, which is a translation and analysis of Chaucer's writings,

very academic right. One of the reviews on Amazon says that it weighs over six pounds. I was like, whoa weight? So they say that a fablio is quote a brief comic tale in verse, usually scurrulous, and often scatological or obscene. The style is simple, vigorous, and straightforward. The time is in the present, and the settings real familiar places. The characters are ornary sorts, tradesmen, peasants, priests, students, restless wives,

and the plots are realistically motivated tricks and ruses. The fablio thus presents a lively image of everyday life among the middle and lower class. And then Kimberly Arnold on the New Zealand Digital Library website further clarifies that often in these tales, women were described as either quote demanding, verbose, irrational and not very smart, or as quote a welcoming sexual orifice without thought or speech. Yeah, can imagine women

being presented like that in media? That would never happen today history, Right, so weird. But fortunately the one that we're reading today is the exact opposite of those. So all that being said, I say that we we jump right into this poem because it is insane and I'm very excited for all to hear it. Yeah, let's go, Hey, their French, come listen. Well, Eli and Diana got some stories to tell. There's no matchmaking, no romantic tips. It's

just about ridiculous relationships. A lover, it might be any type of person at all, and abstract concept a concrete wall. But if there's a story with a second Clans ridiculous roleance a production of I Heart Radio. So Jeffrey Chaucer actually reworked many of the most well known surviving fabilio in Middle English into the Canterbury Tales, classic classic, and

so did Giovanni Boccaccio in the Decameron, another classic, another classic. Literally, this poem is by a poet named Gallon, about whom like nothing is known except that he wrote a few body and naughty poem stories, which I kind of love that as a legacy. I don't know who you were, where you lived, if you were married or not, whatever else he did for life. Anyway, you wrote some naughty stuff. He still got that. That's what survives. And now at

least he made some people laugh in his time. Absolutely, and for hundreds of years later exactly we're still one a legacy. So please enjoy this performance of Barrangiers of the long Asshole by Geron. For two years, I've been telling so many fine tales and fabilioux which I've discovered or made up that by Saint John, It's time to stop and tell no more except this last called Barongier of the long Ass a story which you haven't heard, but if you'd like, you'll hear it word for word,

this minute, no delay. Hear it, good people. Gron will say what happened once in Lombardy, where men aren't known for bravery, to a knight errant who'd been wed to a fine lady, purely bred, and daughter to a landed earl. The young knight's father was a churl who had gotten rich by usury. His cellars were full, his granary held all it could. He had cows and goats, dollars, danyers, mark sus and groats, and the earl was deeply in his debt, with nothing left to pay except to give

the rich man's son his daughter. That's how good blood thins down to water, how counts and earls and all their race decline and finish in disgrace. Damn, that's very rude. Garrel had a real opinion about like gentry marrying down. If you're if you're of noble blood, this is this is how you ruin it by marrying commoners. Be more like kings and queens who marry their own brothers and cousins. That's how you keep blood nice and thick. Yeah, yeah,

you certainly do so. Thickow pump through your You have the thickest blood I've ever seen, Thank you. My parents were siblings. So okay, So there's this normal dude. Yeah, I think there's like a normal young man who who's father is rich but not not noble. He's just a rich guy. Yeah, he got rich by usury. Yeah, the worst way to get rich, the only way to get And he's saying that like this earl was deeply in the debt of this rich not noble man. I guess

the merchant probably or something. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, the agriculture at some point. And so he said, oh, I can't pay you back, how about you just marry my daughter. Classic way to solve a dispute in history, I suppose. And he's like, here you go. I've got cows and goats and grain and money and the guys like I got all that. Yeah, I got some daughters, perfect. My son really needs one of those needs a wife. So let's take one of them and marry him to my son.

Now we're all together. He's this rich kid who didn't come by it, honestly, trust fund baby, trust fund baby, with marrying an earl's daughter who probably was expecting better for herself. Poor girl, She was like, what's this? All right? It continues if people wed to get out of debt, disgrace is what they ought to get. Damn, the harm they do cannot be told from those who covet silver and gold more than nobility. A race of foolish, good

for nothing face and chicken hearted knights descends. Thus chivalry declines and ends. So again he's really hammering at home. How if you're not noble, you must be a big piece of ship. But here's the gist of what I heard. From start to finish, as it occurred, not wasting any time, the earl put wedding garments on the girl and married her to the young peasant, then dubbed him night for a wedding present. I guess the wife wasn't enough of a wedding present. It's like, also, i'll make you a sir.

The young man went home with the maid for more than ten years. There they stayed this new night valued relaxation, not valiant deeds or reputation. The code of chivalry could go. Hang. He loved pie, custard and merangue. It's my kind of guy, And all right, I get this guy, but the common

people he despised. Never mind boo. Now when the lady realized how utterly her husband lacked virtue, how he was in fact useless for tournaments or war and liked to fill a straw bed more than wheeled a lance or grasp a shield, from which it clearly was revealed to her that though the man was quite a talker, he was not a night worth talking of, but born and raised a commoner. That's when she praised the line of knights from whence she's from woud valiant knights who never

hung around the house from dawn to dark. She's like, you know, a bunch of men in my family were knights, and let me tell you about all the cool ship that is. They were cool. You lay it, You lay around this bed all day long. You never pick up a shield or a lance. Trying to give my honey

do list. Well, you know, it's like, I don't think you have to go prove your manhood in a fight all the time or anything, but it does get frustrating when somebody just lays around the house and doesn't do anything, eating meringue from dawn to dark. The husband knew that these remarks were aimed at him to put him down, lady, he said, I have renowned I have more prowess than a dozen of your grandfather's. There's not a cousin or night of any clan or class whose valor I do

not surpass, and I'm not lazy. Take it from me. Tomorrow morning. You will see if I can find my foes tomorrow who envy me and want to borrow trouble from me, I'll prove myself. Not one will get off with his health. Those enemies whose scorn and scoff will not scoff long with their heads off at dusk tomorrow. They'll be dead for the time being. That's all he said. The night arose at dawn next day and rang a bell for his valet, who brought his buckler, sword and

lance and armed his lord with elegance. This guy, this guy's like I'll kill them all, show you only if I can find them. They're not like here. He's like anybody who's got something bad to say about he is going to hear about it. Like no one has ever heard of you. You've been sitting around the house eat pie all day. Now your wife is the only one roasted you did. The arms and armor were all splendid, not being dirtied, scratched or DENTI straight, pristine out of

the box. I never did ship with him. When he was geared and rigged for battle, and sitting proudly in the saddle, he wondered what he should do next to give his wife a good pretext for thinking him a noble knight. He saw a forest to his right, a quarter mile from his front door. Without delay, he headed for the forest at a gallop. There they had to gasp a bit for air because all those meringues he rode, not exactly doing cardio, and all this time his armor

is heavy. Who knew? He rode on further through the wood to where a giant oak tree stood and cast its shade upon a field. He tied his horse, unhooked his shield, and hung it from the lowest bow. Listen to what the fool did now. He drew his sword, shining and bright, and beat the shield with all his might, battering like a maniac, making it clatter at every whack till it mutilated it. He took his sturdy lance and

hit the branch. The lance flintered in thirds. His work was finished, so he spurred his horse around the woods some more before arriving home. He bore a third of his lance and but a fourth of the shields that he had carried forth. He reined his horse. His wife came out to ask what this was all about and hold his stirrup strap in place, But the night hit her in the fake excuse me with the full weight of his big foot. What this bitch stand back, he cried,

Hands off the boot. Let it be known. It isn't right for you to touch so great a night as I am, not with my renown. No such night from Adam down adorns the family tree. You faunted. I'm not defeated, weak or daunted. I am the flower of chivalry. The lady didn't disagree. Does she really wanted to while she just kicked her? He just kicked her in the face. I know she was probably like, well, I have something to say, but let me retreat to a safe distuct. I'm want to wait till i'm not, you know, eye

level with your foot. Freaking foot exactly What an asshole guy sucks? What a chivalrous guy just kicked your wife in the face. I'm the chivalry in consternation. She beheld the shattered lance and broken shield, not knowing what to think or say about the evidence on display. Afraid he'd beat her to the ground because he threatened her and frowned. She dared not touch, but stood somewhat out of his reach.

Her mouth stayed shut. What shall I say? He used this game to vilify her family name and put her in her place, that is, to set her value under his. Another time, the night came back with another shield, all hued and hacked and full of holes. His chain mail shirt, however, was by no means hurt. Neither was he from head to foot. He wasn't bruised, he wasn't cut, he wasn't

even tired out. That's when his wife began to doubt her husband's claim that he'd unhorsed, defeated, subjugated, forced to pay homage, put to flight, and hanged two dozen enemy nights that day. She saw that he concealed his cowardice of a cracked shield and told herself, if he went back into the woods again, she'd track him down to learn what foes he sought and what he did and how he fought. I like this girl, Yeah, she's canny. She said, Okay, We're going to hold my tongue for now,

but I'm about to find out about you, sir. Really some bullshit happening here, sir, bullshit obviously already, this guy, you know, Mr Pie and Custard all day is not going out there and killing two dozen guys at a time. And then he comes back completely undented armor. His shield is the only thing that's Oh okay, I guess he's so good at blocking hit. Come on, come on, man, let's follow make your lie a little more believable. Should let your squire like punchy in the face ones or something? Yes,

exactly all of this could have been avoided. So I'm glad that she's got a plan. She's figuring it out. And before we find out what she did dead, I think we should take just a real quick commercial break. Yes, all right, welcome back to Bragier of the long assholes. These were the plans she settled on early next day, at break of dawn, her husband armed and said he still had three more enemies to kill, who kept on threatening and defying, causing disturbances and spying crimes which the

noble knight detested. The lady tactfully suggested he takes some servants, three or four to make the victory more sure. Lady, he said, I'll go alone. I'll kill him so well on my own. Not one will get away with his life. Urging his charger past his wife, he sallied forth with zeal and zest into the woods. She rose and dressed herself in armor like a night mounted a stallion, held on tight, did not delay, did not look back, and followed in her husband's track till there he was in

the same field, and from the same oak tree. His shield was hanging. He was beating it, banging and making it submit to a cruel martyrdom and rigor. A person standing near might figure a hundred devils were there yelling, this isn't any joke, I'm telling He raised a rocket to the guy. The lady reined her horse nearby. Classic century cross dressing trick. Yeah, this Shakespeare chaucer. All of them were like ladies can address as a man and go in and take care of business and just handle

this whole situation right now. I also love these like this ain't a joke, y'all, even like a joke story, Like I know I've been telling you a joke this whole time. But this, this one's not a joke all out. I love this image of him screaming and wailing on the shield in the tree. How about you? Why I say that to my face? Shield? Bang bang bang? Why

don't you pick on someone your own size? At first, the sight of this display of folly filled her with dismay, But when she'd heard her fill of noise, she shouted with a mighty voice and urged her chargers straight ahead. Sir knight, Sir knight, what folly led you to come cutting up my manner? Vain? Are my knighthood and my honor? If I don't slay you on this field? Why are you picking on that shield? What has it ever done to you? You've bit off more than you can chew?

Fine on whoever says it's fit for you to wage a war on it? Why did that shield out to defend the shields honor? And when he heard the speech she made, he was dumbfounded and dismayed his wife he didn't recognize at once. Great tears fell from his eyes, and his damasked sword fell from his grasp. Sir, for God's sake, he managed to gasp, pity. If I've done any wrong, I'll give you whatever you want. My pony lance. Here's my shield, saddle money, the lady said, as God's

my shield. Before you've parted from this field, you'll change your tune. Now stop this noise. I'm giving you an even choice. Either you joust with me right now. If so, you have my solemn vow. If you're unhorsed, you will not fail to lose your head. It won't avail to beg for pity or remorse. Or Let me get down from my horse and I'll bend dover on the grass and you can come and kiss my ass right in the middle, if you please, just take whichever one of

these that suits your inclination. Choose. He who was shaking in his shoes, whose cowardliness no shame could oust, declared his purpose not to joust. I love this so what, she said. I'll either fight you and I will kill you, or you can come over here and kiss me right between the cheeks, right in the butt hole area. I want you to look, he said, in my eye, and he said, I'll take I'd like to kiss your butt. Amazing, good sir, he said, I've deeply sworn an oath to

joust with no old man born. What a lie, I've sworn an oath? Why would you need to do that anyway? Sorry, I just can't. I just saw when I was born my mother's again deeply held sincere religious beliefs. But be so kind as to dismount, and I'll do what it is you want. The lady didn't wait around, but lightly leapt upon the ground, stood with her back before his nose, lifted her tunic, touched her toes, and said, your face

goes here, sir knight. But when her crivice came in sight, it seemed to him the ass and cunt were one long crack from back to front. He thought it surely must have been the longest ass he'd ever seen. And there he placed the kiss of sleep, which cowards customarily use, next to the whole. That's how she served the night, what richly he deserved. The lady stood, turned round and mounted. Before she left, her husband shouted, tell me your name, sir.

Since you're leaving, then go in peace. We'll call it even. I'll call it even even, dude, you've just got humiliated. Good sir, there's no even about this I won vassal. I'll tell it, I don't mind another such name. You will not find. All other men are beneath my class. I'm barangier of the long ass who puts to shame the chicken hearted. The wife had finished what she'd started. Now she returned home through the wood, disarmed herself as best she could, and sent for the night. She held

above all others in esteem and love. She led him into the bedchamber, where with an eager kiss, he claimed her. And when the husband read to the house, she, who did not fear her spouse, didn't even dane to stir, but made her lovers sit by her. And when the night came in the room, afflicted by despair and gloom, the sight of a lover with his wife was not the high point of his life. Boy, what a day. You know, I decided to kiss this guy's ass. Now I come home. There's other guys have been my wife.

I caught in the act, acting like an idiotte Now she's caught in the act. You know, called that one a draw and came home to this, and I love that. She's just like, yeah, what it would come on him? Are you going to do? Yeah? No, no, honey, you stay right here. Yes, my husband's home. Don't you move, Oh, don't you worry. He can't do ship to you, madam, he said. It's plain to me that you have done me injury bringing a man to my abode. You'll pay for the is my girl you've sewed, and you shall reap.

Shut up, you bore, she said, And don't say anymore, because one more instinuation against my name and reputation, and by the Saint cellphile a claim against you for my injured fame. Go on, you cuckold, go on, be jealous. You'll file a claim. And who, pray tell us, will hear a claim that comes from you, your fellow knight at arms? Is who who subjugated you today? I mean, my lord, Sir Barrangier of the long Ass, who will disgrace you once again? The husband's face turned fiery red

with rage and shame. No more could he abuse her name. He felt checkmated, he felt ill, And from that day she did her will. She was no common girl or fool. When the shepherd's weak, the wolf ships wool. What a moral the end? The end? Yea When the shepherd's weak, the wolf ships. Well, well, you know you gotta watch

you gotta be a good shepherd there. Well, and that's what's interesting about this fabilio, you know, compared to others, if you kind of mentioned in the beginning, the women are usually not like the main character of the story or even a very well respected character of the story.

But this one was very much immoral about like, you should not demean your wife, and trust me, she'll find a way to roll reversal that if she can, or you know, maybe he was just trying to be like, even if she can't, you should have to kiss someone's as for kicking your wife in the face and acting like she's not a equal partner to you and stuff like that, right, um, And I wonder if it's because she's from nobility, like if he would have written it

about another commoner, or if he was just like, oh, she's worth more because she's that don't seem to have that sort of classism about him. Well, we're gonna talk. We gotta squeeze one more commercial break in we'll talk more about it, and uh, and a few other poems that will will just kind of summarize for you all when we come back right after this welcome back to the show, everybody. All right, So this really this poem, I mean, the characters are so hilarious. I mean because

she's great. Obviously we talked about that. And again, yeah, maybe it's because she's noble. And this author clearly thinks that noble people are better than common people, Like if you're poor and you marry into money, you're a big piece of ship, like you must be a gold digger, you know. And obviously he's creating these characters who matched

that stereotype. But um, but she's great. She's like, I'm gonna take care of business, I'm gonna dress up as a night and then she called herself bronge a of the long ass. So did he comment on it when he saw it? Well, And when I read it, I thought he was just thinking too him, right, But a lot of the like analysis of the poem, they seem

to act as if he says it out loud. And that's why she writes Brownie at the long Ass and it's like part of his humiliation that he can't recognize female genitals, like, like it's not just the fact that he is like such a lame night that he's never done anything. It's not just the fact that is he doesn't recognize his own wife when she's talking to him, but it's also like he sees a vagina and he's like, what's that? Just like, wow, where does he think this

guy's dick is on his stomach? That's the other question that he's very he doesn't understand male or female anatomy. He's like, I guess this dick comes out of his belly button. This guy's crazy as goes all the way around. WHOA, maybe he just thought he had a really tall but just very tall but stationed fans out there. Yes, just like station and you had stations. But yeah, yeah, Martian. But um, amazing, who did this translation? Do we know?

I don't know. I just saw it was an English translation that the one I found was like it was linked in another place, but that link is now broken. So they were like, I'm just sharing it here for for posterity, posteriors, posterior area. If you translated this, let us know and we'll shot the episode, or lie to us and tell us you did and we'll say it anyway.

We don't know. Wow, amazing. I'm I am very fascinated by translations, especially of poems where you have to take it from what it rhymed in one language, and it's a certain meter and rhythm in one language, and they have to make it rhyme and have meter and everything in it the new language and match the context and the intention and everything. Yeah, that's that must be very heard. This might be a very biased thing that I heard. And this wasn't you know, years ago and school a

few years ago in high school a couple of years that. Um, some poets and scholars have said that probably they mean of Western European languages, that English is the easiest one to rhyme in. But I don't know, because I feel like French everything sounds, everything's the same vowel sounds. So it's true, that is true. But yeah, it is pretty

fascinating that that job is tough. I've read some translations and then you go back and like the original, You're like, oh my god, how did they did you do this? Or how did this fit so well? Right? That damn, this is a straight translation and it still rhymes. That guy must have been like, lucky me the east job I've ever had. This is great. I just get to

write about a really long asshole. I do, Like I did read once that like translation is like there's a whole other layer to it that's very difficult, which is what people really mean the word they use, and like that's all kind of cultural context, it's not really in a definition. Is very hard to teach. It's one of those things you kind of have to grow up to know, you know. So they've talked about that being like, oh, you know, this person's translation of this is not quite

as accurate as this person's translation because of data. Like there's so many things like that for sure, So hopefully this is a good considered a good translation at this poem, I certainly enjoyed it. I mean it's great, the meter is solid, the rhymes are funny, Like, yeah, it's a really good one. I think my favorite was was not the high point of his understatement. I also like that he always called her lady, lady listen here. I know that's not how they said it, but whatever was lady

shut up? Oh well, that is certainly just one of many many fabulios out there or fabulio fablio French plural. Others include titles such as The Turd, The Three Ladies Who Found a prick, Like what a story? I mean, right, do you do you think they were like, oh, another one, or were they like was it a good prick? I know, we haven't found the text of these but titles English

translations of these ones that I could find. But I did wonder about that because I was like, maybe they were just a welcoming sexual orifice type one where they're just like, who gets it. It'd be funnier if they were like, oh, another one is called the Knight who made cunts and assholes Speak? And I'm like, what did they say? Were they like, was he even amazing and they couldn't stop singing about it? Or were they like

get it out of me? I know, right, No, we have well, we actually do have a summary at least of this of the story of the Knight who made gunts and Assholes Speak. Unfortunately, and can't share a translation of the actual verses. I wish, I wish, but we did I did find from sus Anna Greer Fine from the University of Rochester's Digital Library Project, she wrote about this this fablio. It's about kind of like an adventuring night. He's very handsome and worthy, but he's kind of down

on his luck. He's got a very clever squire named Hewitt. Hewitt for a squire, totally Hewett with me like that. Well, in much like in many medieval tales, he's a very clever squire, like without whom the Night would be like totally screw. Sure, sure, he's that kind of stock character. I guess you could say that it's very art theian. So the Night is low on resources. He's trying to make some money by going to different tournaments, basically tournamenting

for moneyney like you know, pay per view. It's like the m m A of their time and of Hewitt's of course, like great sounds great, but they're like really poor. They have to constantly stay in like religious houses, churches, facts, they have no money. So one day they come across these three nymphs that are bathing like you do, and Hewitt, being so cunning and and courageous, decides to steal their

clothes while they're bathing. Rude he is. And so in order to get them back these maidens, who surprise are actually fairies. There you go, don't fat, I know, please do not like if you know anything about Faye fairy like mythology, do not funk with fairies, but they are not funny. Yes, So these fairies they appeal to the night and they promise him three gifts in order for the return of their their clothes, which is funny because like you stole them in the first place, just give back, right,

I guess I have to give you something now. So the first gift is like romance, right, they say, you'll be welcomed, You'll be cherished by wherever you're a guest. Uh, there will be love for you. Yeah, people are into you. They're just gonna be like, oh my god, big nights here. Ah, this guy will be the most popular kid at school. Who it is? Yeah, every time you walk in a bar. Yeah, exactly, we just dated ourselves. The second gift they offer adds

this like sexual fantasy for him. All the women and girls that eMates are just gonna drop trou and say, yes, I want you, I need you, come home. It's a little bit like of a magical non consent. Get into this dicey territory. Yeah for sure. Now. The third they offer him gets into this more body territory. Uh. Fablios often have like a surreal and fantastical element to them and this is a very noteworthy gift. They offer him the power to make culls and coons or countstant assholes?

Is the translation there talk and always tell the truth. Oh my god, So he's like beard gift to be offered, sweet asshole? What will the weather be tomorrow? It's like sunny, sixty five degrees. I guess James Joyce would be like, yes, true, I all also make assholes talk. Wow, what a gift. It's excuse me. I'd be like, I'm I'm good on that last one? Can you make? Can you make them just tell me? The truth? Why do they have to talk out of there? Why do they have to ace

ventura the truth? To me? I didn't even think about them having to, Like, right, do they have to move there? But cheeks to like? Does the spread them so they can talk? The little mouth comes out there, little but holes like it's like, okay, hang on, let me just spread them here much better? Yes, The lucky numbers this week are six, seventeen and nine. Oh my god? Or is it like the vagina in Big Mouth? Well? Hey girl, Okay, So the story continues with the night. Now there's more.

There's more, because you want to hear I'm sure what the kents and assholes had to say. Um. So he's got his three gifts and he moves on with his day. I guess. I'm sure he gives the clothes back, otherwise he wouldn't keep the gifts. So uh. He first encounters chaplain writing a mayor um and Hewitt reminds a night, you know, try out your gift on this chaplain if you can get the truth out of this guy. So while you sit there talking to him, he asks him like,

where are you going? And the chaplain lies, but the mayor's vagina answers, which I did not immediately perceive that it would be like interspecies assholes. I thought it was. I really went straight to people. But anything with an asshole he can talk to. It's that monkey's paw magic. You know, you don't know what you're getting exactly. All I told you is that vaginas and assholes were going to talk to you. I didn't say who's didn't say. So this horse vagina is selling out the chaplain because

it has to tell the truth. It cannot. It's not the mayor's fault, but the horses like, oh, actually, actually this pervs going to the house of his mistress. We go there every night. What's a week he takes me here or whatever. So he's like, oh ship, what a chaplain, You're off to some ladies house. And so question, could the chaplain hear it? The horse the vagina's talk, like make them talk or does hear them talk? I think they talk because it's like it says, it's a shameful destiny.

He exposes. The mayor exposes the shameful destination. And I think, and there's a couple others after this, so I think they do hear what they're her own shock of that chaplain just like, oh my god, what do you think He was like, oh, yes, just off to church, you know. And the horse was alert. Nay, he's not. Nay, it's like, shut up your horse's ass. So then the night arrives at a castle. Of course, because of his first gift, he's enthusiastically welcome to stay at the castle. Yeah, norm

come on in here. And he doesn't have to stay at religious houses anymore. He doesn't have to pay his way, like this is a great gift for broke Gass, that one's good. Take that gift. And then of course he has the second gift. So a young lady visits him in his bed that night, because of course they said all the ladies will be ready for you, and Susannah says quote but now operating without Hugh, it's aid the

night ungallantly questions the girls cunt. It reveals an unflattering truth about her, and she leaves him in horror and shame. Oh no, what in the world could her vagina have said? I mean, it's like what thirteenth century, so probably like sometimes she masturbates, yea, or she like slept in this morning. Well that's uh, I get there's your monkey's pot curse, right. You know you don't always want to hear the truth from someone's vagina, That's right. And again there you go.

I think I think they do hear it. Because she heard her vagina essays some ship. She was like, oh no, why did you sell me out? How we're written this together? And then the final adventure of this poem is when this girl tells the lady of the castle about how the night made her vagina talk, because of course, I think you probably don't tell some folks about that, and just be like, listen, this was a crazy thing. This is going to sound in, but I need you to

go with me on this girl. She's like, girl, get over here, I need I need to tell you right now what has happened. Do you know these things could talk? And the lady of the house is like, oh, yes, I've had mine sing before. She's like no, no, I mean literally words language. So the countess, I guess, believes this woman and shoot this girl. And she's like, okay,

let me test this power out. And so she goes and tries to cheat the night by putting cotton up her vagina so that it can't talk, you know, it'll be muffled like you did. And he tries to question her vagina and it doesn't he can't hear. But fortunately, of course Hewitt shows up and it's like, don't forget. You can always ask her asshole. And so she's like, oh my god, my butt's telling him everything. I didn't stuff anything up my butt. I forgot plumb forgot a

plumb forgot, and Susannah concludes quote. In the end, the two adventurers earned their honors Knight of the Cunt, Hewitt of Little Asshole in a line that could double as the title for the Fabilio been insane story them like, can you imagine, Oh my god, I just I just the idea of all these women suddenly overcome with horny nous for this stranger and a first of all, and then be being like, oh my god, my own body parts are like telling him all my business? What have

I done to deserve it? Now, imagine if the night had met the Barangier, oh would have gotten he would have gotten two conversations, and then he would have known. It's like this ain't this ain't no, man, I can't believe it. So anyone who thought that poetry or medieval times were at all stoic or or repressed or held in in any way, guess what that wasn't until the Puritans, right exactly. We got the sexually oppressed Victorians, We got

the Puritans. That's when they probably start making funny poems like yeah, And we see time and again on this show in other history learnings that we've all been through in recent years, was really starting to dig in to older history, pre puritanical stuff. Everybody loves dick and vaginas

like jokes. Everybody loves jokes. It's so true. I think this is I really wish because I took I was a miner in creative writing in college, and so I took several like Poe Tree courses and a couple of Old English Middle English like classes and stuff like that. And why did they not lead with this? Why did you not tell me like how funny and stupid people

have been all through life? You know, that makes it so much more fascinating to learn about history when you're really thinking about people being just dumb, big stupid people like like we are today, you know what I mean. But because I think we still so heavily repress that, like we still think, oh, that's B thirteen. Oh that's not acceptable for work, that's NSFW, that's you know, that shouldn't be allowed into society. You keep that to yourself.

I don't want to hear that out loud. And why, I know, I don't know why, because you might blush a little, like it's okay obviously, you know, don't tell me about a talking asshole while I'm having dinner, you know, wait till we're done. I don't know. Look, I got a very strong imagination that I can always shut down, so sometimes goes right to my plate and I can't eat anymore. And it's very frustrating. But this dumpling looks

too much like a butthole for me. It's the only good thing I ever heard Adam Corolla say, went back way back when Love Line was on and Doctor Drew and somebody called in and talked about some discharge or something, and Doctor Drew like made a reference to some food and Adam Corla stopped at me. He said, when you make it a food, then I have to eat it. So don't compare gross things to foods. And that's my stance. I can't handle it. But outside of that, this jokes

are great. This is larious, hilarious story. I would have been like I can had walked into my house or into a party I was throwing out, I would have been like, hell, yeah, you're about to have a good time. Spin us a yarn. Yeah, gong, go stand by the fire, everybody. Look, well, this is good stuff. I hope you all thought it was funny too. I know. I I really enjoyed reading this poem during our research for the Sex Toys. I

was just giggling the whole way through. And I'm so I'm super glad to get a chance to share it with you guys, and do kind of a fun reading of it until with you bibe and just uh, I don't know, just kind of enjoy these like uh, literary traditions. We're really not as buttoned up as we like to pretend poets are, first of all, and that people from history were so. No. People want to be entertained. They want to laugh, they want to hear something a little naughty,

little frisky, made a blush a little bit. It's like we do today. You know, it's all the same. So just like you're listening here today, you wanted to hear some jokes about guns and assholes. If you laughed, if you blushed a little, if you were completely offended, please let us know. We want to hear about it. Yeah, give us, send us, send us your poems. You know, we'd love to hear God if we had, if we had a listener male like Limerick Corner, oh man body poems.

So yeah, sentiment we'll read, We'll read the short ones. Yeah, um, that's awesome. Yeah, please reach out. You can always email us in fact right now, maybe temporarily, maybe forever. H email us at ridic romance at gmail dot com. Our usual email is a little hung up. We're trying to work that out, so so shoot us an email at ridic Romance at gmail dot com right or we're on Twitter and Instagram. I'm at Danamite Boom and I'm at Oh Great. It's Eli and the show is at predict Romance.

We cannot wait to hear from you, and we can't wait to be back next week. A little more to our traditional format. But this has been a lot of fun and I hope you all enjoyed it. Yes, love you guys, See you next time. All right, so long friends, it's time to go. Thanks so listening to our show, tell your friends names, uncles, inde to listen to our show Ridiculous. Well, yes,