Ridiculous Crime is a production of iHeartRadio.
Elizabeth Dutton Zeron Burnett. I got a question for you. Yeah, all right, do you just just out of you know, out of the blue, would you be able to tell me what is ridiculous?
Well, I have a question for you.
Oh, we're gonna flip it right back around so quickly.
Do you like beverages with bite? Do you feel like a drink that has like a bite to it?
No, next question, you do? I do? Yes? I like yes, but I'm really suspicious.
You love sparkling water.
I do sharp water, sharp water, sharp water, Yes, I love that sharp water.
I can't take it.
Water with teeth. That's what I like.
Yeah, yeah, toothy water.
And so also are uh did they ruin water too?
They totally ruined.
The water, dude.
So we have been getting so many messages about this through all channels. Like a pigeon flew in my window and it was tied to the leg. We got them with a mashup. I'm so sorry.
Are you surprised, No, Elizabeth, I'm really not surprised.
Probably I think one of the worst. And it should be criminal and it involves seven eleven okay, and it involves.
You think they'd be more involved in this seven eleven in other match, you don't.
Bring them up because they've been holding it and now they just let it rip. Oh, they just it's their tummies were small. They just opened her up. So seven eleven got together with a company called Miracle Seltzer okay, and they're doing this line of sparkling water specifically for seven eleven. It's the seven select from House of miraclesure. So there are these flavors lemon, lime, green apple, sweet orange. You would totally grip.
On those, totally all kinds of flavor, right.
So then there's one that's called one that's called hot Dog hot Dog Water. Yeah, it's a twist on one of seven eleven's most beloved snacks, the Big Bite hot Dog. God, the Big Bite hot Dog Sparkling Water combines the delicious and watering experience of seven eleven's iconic big Bite hot dog into one refreshing beverage catch up and mustard included. God, on are the days of alternating bites of a hot dog with SIPs of a beverage. Now those can go. Now,
those on the cave, I don't know. Now, those on the goat comes up the bun for bubbles.
So does it come with a nice float of grease like from the rollers, because otherwise it's not authentic.
Seven eleven man Marissa Jarrett, she laid it down for us. She's an executive vice president. While crafting flavors like Lemon lime and sweet Orange came more easily, our journey took an unexpected turn with the creation of Big Bite hot Dog Sparkling Water, a daring flavor that pushes the boundaries of flavor innovation. You know, the press release goes on and on, but let me tell you something more. Details on the availability of this flavor will be revealed on April first.
Oh, yes, there we go.
There it is. I think that's part of it. But in the meantime, the rest of the lineup is available at seven elevens, so I think it's totally fake. But I was like, hot dog flavored water, Where have I heard that? And then I remembered that's the name of
olymp Biscuit album, hot Dog Water. It's a chocolate starfish and the hot dog flavored water, So like, I google it right, and that said, you know how sometimes they have like people also ask and it tells you other Google searches, and it said, what is the meaning of chocolate? Starfish and the hot dog flavored water?
Elizabeth, what is the meaning of chocolate?
And it just says the human anus. The first part of the title is a slang term for the human anus. And then hot dog flavored water is an in joke started by Wes Borland at a truck stop while the band was on tour where Borland saw bottles of crystal guys or flavored water and made a joke about having meat or hot dog flavors.
So he was just ahead of the curve.
He was ahead of the curve. Royalties, that, friends, is ridiculous.
I'll give it to you.
You should.
Yeah, you know what the it's ridiculous. No, twenty one cubic feet of cash. That is ridiculous, right, that's ridiculous, Elizabeth. One man, one man stole twenty one cubic feet of.
Cash, twenty one cubic feet.
And his brother got away with it. Oh for a very long time. This is his story. Done Dune. This is Ridiculous Crime a podcast about absurd and outrageous capers, heists and calms. It's always ninety nine percent murder free and one hundred percent ridiculous. Very oh, Elizabeth, Oh zaren Philip Johnson. Yeah, sure, Phil Johnson, my man Johnson, Philly j Elizabeth. This story I'm about le on you is a Cohen Brothers style story, but like the later movies,
not the early goofy ones. Yeah, this is a it's a crime story. This dude, Phil Johnson. Right, he was a meticulous man. He was a smart man. He was a cynical man, Elizabeth. He wasn't also an angry man, and he was a lonely.
Man and a hungry man the time of very hungry.
The time of our story, Phil Johnson was thirty three years old, which you know what that means. He was in his Jesus year. He was in his Jesus here, and my man, Phil Johnson was a major league screw up. Oh yeah. A former co worker, Larry Taylor he said, and I quote he chow up for work late or not at all. Everything he did he screwed up. One of his neighbors said that Phil Johnson quote just couldn't get anywhere in life. He was always talking about his
disappointments and his job didn't pay good. It was always negative things.
Yeah, usually they talked to a neighbor and they're like he was just the nicest.
Fellaw totally or else, like, you know, they were really bizarre. Now, his own sister said of her brother Phil that he quote lived in a world of pain. Oh yeah, Now what was that world of pain? What was the job that he hated? And what was he so terrible at doing? Elizabeth, I any guesses. No, I'll just tell you. He was a courier for Loomis Fargo. They are like the armored car company security, like Wells Fargo.
So was he just scared all the time?
Is that why he didn't like No, No, it wasn't so much this job terrified him or such. It would be basically he was a guard for the armored car and as a courier, what that means is he's the guy who goes into the business to get the cash. Now he's making seven dollars an hour and that was the pay he gets to risk his life for these cash deposits.
That's stupid.
So that was still depressing. This is nineteen ninety seven, so seven dollars an hour would be thirteen dollars and fifty cents in twenty twenty four dollars man.
That's a lot of risk for very little compensation.
Completely, also no health plan, no dental, no employer contributions to his pension. In fact, there was no pension nada. There was just the seven dollars an hour.
He'd be better off as like a waiter somewhere.
Oh. Completely. He worked his job for ten years and he hated it. Yeah, right, So for one, it was routine. It was just like literally, he drove a route, so he picked up cash, he took it to a collection point, same stops, over and over again. Mind numbing work, right, Phil Johnson. He let everyone know this, right, so all of his car workers, they knew how much he hated
the job that he shared with them. They knew how much he felt they were all paid too little, and that how she had benefits for risking their life for circle kse cash drops right right now. This job but also gnawed away at his self respect because he began to loathe not just the job but his life. Like soon enough he'd loathe its effect on his self esteem. Like he told a friend, this dude, Tim Gray, that he'd likely never get married because what girl on her
right mind? Would ever want a guy like him? Right kind of said, well.
I mean, here's the thing. He is the captain of his own ship totally. So you know, you can complain and complain and complain, but then so times you just gotta do something.
It all comes out of perspective too. I mean, the seven dollars is not doing anything to decide who he is. Yeah, exactly, but it is a factor in his conditions that he's responding to, which he has a choice in how he responds. Okay, there was though, in this nature nurture debate. There was the nature part of it. He had a tough family situation right now, obviously this would probably fall mostly under nurture because we're not talking about like genetics being like
genetic predispositions to disease. But anyway, my point is his parents split up when he was three years old. His father cut out. He had an older sister and a brother, Sharon and David. Now their mother being a single mom, she's trying to do the best she can, Elizabeth. She goes on welfare. She moves her family to public housing in Atlanta, a rough neighborhood at the time. His sister would recall how other kids would throw rocks at them as they rode their bikes, so damn right, just because
they didn't like them. I guess this is the eighties. You know they always hear, you know, you hear about how rough things were in the eighties. We rode our bikes everywhere. What you don't hear is it some kids threw.
Rocks at us?
So things continue to go bitter for young Phil. By the time he was eight years old, the siblings were split up. Baby of the family, Phil, he went north with his mother. They relocated to a trailer park on the fringes of Rochester, New York. That didn't last long, though, don't worry, because he was given over to his in laws and there he worked for them in Pennsylvania.
Oh god.
That also didn't last long though, thank god, because he wound up in the West with his father, of all people. Oh yeah, that also didn't last long. He was sent back by his dad. He packed up his boy on a bus and said, doing his best impression of like Bizarro World, Horace Greeley, He's like, go east, young man, go east.
So like, I just I know that there are a lot of people in this world who have to face that kind of stuff. But on their behalf. I want to go on a slapping spree.
Oh I know you do.
Just find these people.
Your hand will be read at the end of this. Phil Johnson. Now he's back in New York. He goes he stays with an aunt, and the aunt was a kind steadying force in his life. He finally has someone who's going to nurture this young boy. She pays for the kid whose smarts has mostly been overlooked at this point to go to a private religious school, Lima Christian Academy in Lima, New York. Right, so finally he's got like a good stable situation. Phil Johnson. He stays with
his aunt all the way through high school. He enjoys the first real period of stability in his entire life. Up to this point, though the damage has been done, right, So he's basically a young hard case. Unfortunately, so one former teacher from his time at Lima Christian they recalled that quote Phil had some problems. You know, he just didn't trust authority figures, especially male authority.
I wonder why.
Exactly he had the same teacher also noted that Phil was quote very bright, sort of cynically critical, so I relate to this cat like I won't even lie. Like by my high school years, I was also pretty distrusting of authority, especially male authority figures. Teachers would sense my skepticism, but I also knew that was no way to go through life, right, So I did my damnes not to
not grow bitter. And I see how he crossed from skepticism into cyndicism, and then with that comes the betterness, right, which is a poison pill.
Yeah.
So also this was another factor. He was basically a proto in cel in that fact he had no girls in his life, and he blamed a lot of his conditions for his unhappiness on the fact he had no women in his life, right, right, So that can make a man weird. I will be honest about that. That the resentment of how of other young men for having women and you not having him, Like they're a possession,
that a natural component to a man's life. Well yeah, exactly, So like ignoring the woman's humanity and like agency, they're just like I should have one these other guys. They're thinking about it as a male competition, so it becomes a way of like measuring mans right now, anyway, Phil Johnson. He had a nickname his buddies that called him Fishkay, not like the beloved Barney Miller character. Did he look like a no, But this was based on his love
of answering fish and bread. Whenever he was asked, what do you want to eat?
Fish and bread?
Fish and bread? Yeah, he was like, on that loaves and fish energy, right, and he's just like out there. He seriously would have loved the all you can eat fish and bread party that Jesus threw. He's like, this is the best thing ever, just mowing down mackerel like any no thing anyway other than fish and bread. His other great love was the idea of being a cop. When he was growing up. He really wanted to be Johnny law.
Right, I'd love to have someone bitter on the force. We got these women as subhuman you.
Even his high school teacher was like, I don't know, Phil, let's look at some other career options. Mister Ludeman from Lima Christian said, and I quote, we didn't think he was one of the guys we wanted out on the highway protecting us.
Yeah, and I know very little about this.
So this the voter no confidence. This didn't dim Phil Johnson's hopes, not in his own eyes. So he goes off to Monroe Community College near Rochester, New York. Pursued his dream with a passion. He gets an associate's degree in criminology, which I'm not gonna lie, Elizabeth, I kind of half want to go get one of those mysel probably should right, just for the.
Kicksh take it, take a online.
Yeah, you know, I give myself a criminology.
You're here in California, and you know you can get you can a lot of places you can do at least one year for free to make me to college.
Good point. Maybe I shouldn't look into this anyway. You should back to my man, Phil john After he graduated from Monroe Community College, he went south to.
Jacksonville, Jacksonville, Florida, Florida.
There are multiple Jacksonville's, but the Jacksonville, you know, like the yeah, the Miami, the Ohio State, the Jacksonville. So that's where his mother and big sister were living at the time. Right, So before he dipped down to Jacksonville, he made a little pit stop in Venezuela.
That's a little roundabout wait to get to Jacksonville.
You remember lima Christian. He went there on a missionary trip. So this is where he finally meets a girl one who liked him back a blonde missionary. She may have even assumed the position with him. I don't know, but I don't for certain that. What I do know is that there was a camp romance because when they got back home to America, she dumped him. So Phil Johnson starts his new life and his new career, and he
pursues his passion for criminology. Right he goes, He's like, in Jacksonville, He's not going to go become a cop. He tries in Jacksonville, no luck. He tries other cities and towns in Florida. Somehow still can't get hired. Right, He's like, I don't know what's wrong with me right now. Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with him, Like, how can you not get hired as a cop in Florida? It seems like the bar is pretty darn low.
Think about the red flags this dude is sending up.
Yes, I'm thinking the other cops, you know, Because.
He walks in for an interview and he's like, so, how easy is it to find a lady's address based on her license?
Do I get a full access to all addresses?
Hypathetic, just saying if I saw some broad walking down there, like, Okay, that's enough. How'd you go?
Well, if you ask Phil Johnson, he'd tell you there were two reasons, just two reasons why he couldn't get a job as a cop. Can you guess what they are? Elizabeth women? No, I'll tell you. One was his back. It had a slight curve his back. And two he was quote too male and pale as in, he was much too much of a white male to get a job as a cop in the South. Me, I'm like, bro, come on, that's like, that's the first.
Ironman, I really like, I'm gonna I'm just gonna stop my whole tirade on.
Anyway, what could he get a job as Elizabeth? He could get a job doing vacuum cleaner demonstrator.
They still have that back.
In the nineties they did. Yeah. Now, this wasn't like he was a salesman on the floor making a commission. No, No, he showed people at home goods conventions. How you could you know, clean up a spilled legos with the new sucomatic seven thousand, so, you know, but this whole time though, he still longs to be a cop, right, So, he gets a job as a security guard. He plans to stay there a while because one police department had noted
that he had a spotty work history. He's just all over the place, right right, So he's like, I need to get a job and keep it. So he keeps this security job as long as he can so he can show the cops that he can hold down a job.
That's why he did that for someone.
He ends up working there ten years, right so, and that's why he hated it, so that and also the job sucked. So at this point he feels his job is beneath him. He should be a cop, a detective, a c I s I specialized.
Sorry, of course, I know people like this exactly. I know people who get criminal justice degrees and they think they're going to be c s I and like y'all get the sunglass for prince and also somehow arresting people and also like you know, cross examining exactly.
Yeah, that's not happening for him.
And I know people who can't get jobs as cops with all that, and I know them and I know exactly why they're not getting Think Jesus.
Now that we know who Phil Johnson is, let's take a little break and then I'll tell you why Phil Johnson is not going to be the hero of this tale.
I is Phil Johnson, Elizabeth sar and we're back.
Yeah, Hey, what's it?
So? I was thinking about it all and break my man Phil Johnson on He use that term by a man loosely, but he what he should have done if he wanted to become a copy go to the military. That's the right. You got a lot most cops are ex military, right, so you go to the military. You qualify yourself and these certain components of like I can listen to orders, I can fire a gun, I can like, you know, not shoot the wrong person most of the time. Right, They're like, okay, you could.
Be a dishonorable discharge written all over him.
Probably so. Anyway, most of Phil's coworkers at the armored truck company where he got a job, they were ex military, so they would kind of lord that over him. Anyway.
As he marked his time as a security guard, still dreaming of one day becoming a cop, he would drive around in his armored truck listening to Rush Limbaugh's talk radio show on the Old Am Radio dial getting radicalized, and a friend of his from that time said he knows how all the Rush Limbaugh was making Phil Johnson even more negative, And I quote Tam everything was a catch twenty two. I didn't want to be around him sometimes because he was so negative. I'm sorry, but I
can only take so much. I'm with him now. By this point, we're ten years deep in his quest to be a cop. Right, He's getting frustrated, getting radicalized. Phil Johnson's telling that same friend who I just quoted that he had so little to show for his life, he might as well end it, right, He's getting desponded. It got so bad his mother and sister looked into checking him into a mental hospital, but without any health insurance
to cover it, that was not an option. The hospital wouldn't even admit him.
So one day that's terrible. But also now you're worried about his mental health, well, his family.
I think that they finally had signs that were irrefutable.
Yeah, that's true, okay, so I'll allow it.
Thank you, thank you. I appreciate your latitude on that. There was a neighbor June Glover, an older lass who was friendly with him. She recalled how Phil Johnson had asked, well, she'd asked him, rather if when he was complaining about his life, if he'd ever considered going to church, maybe you know, turning to prayer, give it up to God?
Right?
And Phil Johnson told her he couldn't do that because as he as he said, and I quote, I'm mad at God.
He's mad.
He's mad at God, So talk to him.
Ironed out.
So when what would Phil Johnson do now that he's mad at God, desponded with life, wants to be a cop, can't get a shot? Well, he decided, you know, I guess I could always go the other way.
Yep.
So he worked out a plan. He studied how he could get away with this idea. He was meticulous, as I said, in the details of logistic He worked out his plan to the tiniest consideration, and one day, the day one day before Easter, in fact, he decided it was time to strike. It was time to become the guy the cops were looking for you roll back the stone. Yeah, now who wants to find old Phil Johnson?
I have to say this doesn't include our one percent correct, which is shocking everything written all over it.
He kill somebody, Yeah no, not not this guy. He's he's too pathetic to kill. No, I mean like he I don't think anyway. So this was March twenty ninth, nineteen ninety seven. We just passed the anniversary of Elizabeth. Yeah, and we did you notice that it was a good day in nineteen ninety seven. It was in the spring.
So Phil, he doesn't have to use his aka exactly today.
Mama didn't make a breakfast with no hog. So Phil drove his busted VW Rabbit to work. He showed up his normal shift and on his normal shift, I told you he was a courier. Sure, yeah, yeah, No, Elizabeth, are you familiar, because if you're unfamiliar with the industry jargon, I'm just throwing around the courier. That's the security guard who hops out of the armored car and they go into the business alone but armed, and then they collect the heavy canvas bag of cash. They guard it as
they securely transport it back to the armored truck. Inside the armor truck is where the doors they are they have to remain locked. And there this is all policy, by the way.
Yeah, so he's like the runner.
He's like the runner, but they call him the courier, right, and then the inside there's the driver, right, and then if there was another guy, then maybe he'd be the shotgun. Okay, right, So the guards of the truck they have gun ports that they are allowed to shove the barrel out of and then they can fire at the bad guys. But they're in, but they're not allowed to open the doors.
So if he's out there getting robbed, they're just they can just watch or like possibly take shots everybody exactly, So things see why he's really did not like his job. He's just basically expendable for seven dollars an hour. Yeah, but he was given a bulletproof vest and I know how much you love those, and also a thirty eight pistol.
Right, that's something I mentioned on the Daily Zite.
Guys.
Yes, I think that bulletproof vests are overrated because a head shot usually kills you right away pretty much. So how's that going to help me?
Not much?
Right, So you were saying, but a lot.
Of people notice you for center mask because it's an easier target than a person's heads.
Right, But you were saying, I said you should have like a bulletproof balaklava. Yeah, you were saying, you want like a cobra commander.
A cowl, a mask. Yeah, I want draping.
I want like I want a kevlar bubble. Just roll down the street. So anyway, continue.
Like a like a fish bowl, like just round.
And perfect, like a Jake Gillenhall boy in the bubble. Uh huh a diving bad allergies.
Allergic to a full bubble surrounding your head. I got you. I can totally see you. So, after completing their regular route Phil Johnson's armor truck, they would then return to the Loomis Fargo warehouse to drop off all the collected cash. Then they would get cleared by a guard to enter the lot, because a whole lot is secured. Right then the garage door gets open, the armored truck pulls inside. Very nineteen thirties, as you pointed out, Yeah, I love it.
As soon as the armor truck is parked, the driver he's done for his day. He can clock out, He's done his whole thing, right that, Yeah, you're out, man, But Phil Johnson he has to stay behind and process the load and then he'd be done. He got to process the load bro some load man. So this was, by the way, on this night, well, he was the last truck to return to the warehouse. So at night
it's about seven pm. Phil Johnson is a loan, which is two vault guards who are left working inside the warehouse because they also have to clear the load with him. There as by the way, are Dan Smith and James Brown. Yes, the godfather of Saul was working at it. Truly the hardest working ship man in show business. You know, different James Brown. But at seven pm or so, this James Brown, Dan Smith and Phil Johnson they are in the warehouse right, And that's kind of like.
The most generic names totally.
I mean they're just like AI generic names, but not even AI, because a I would mess it up totally. So Phil Johnson he draws his thirty eight on his fellow guards. They're like, hey, that's not funny, man, don't point that at me. And he's like, no, no, man, I got to drop on you. They're like, yeah, you got to drop on me. He's like, I got to drop on you.
Well, you'll never become a cop act like that.
That's so he's like, yeah, Josh, your weapons over here. So then they do, and then he's like, okay, no, handcuff yourself to the floor because apparently the floor had like metal rings or something to it.
So they were like, that's convenient. Are you handcuffing yourself?
So Dan Smith he was the younger man, Elizabeth he was about twenty seven. James Brown he was an old vet of the game. He was fifty two. These two men weren't expecting to be robbed, right, So but they were like, as I told you, they're basically handling paperwork on this last load of the night. They're like all the just about to get home. Now they're getting handcuffed and shackled to the floor. So they're like, oh, yes, a Friday night man. So Phil Johnson he walks out
of the yard. He grabs a white fourd a conoline van, backs it up to the loading dock for the vault area. And then this is a picture you just your standard stretch white van, nothing special about it, like something a church group would use, right Phil Johnson. He loads heavy canvas cash bags like these bags aren't they're stuffed full with bills? Right? None of the bills are smaller than
a ten dollars bill. Oh, and he loads the canvas cash bags into the back of the van for two hours, he loads cash bags by himself, two solid hours toss and bags.
Wow.
The money, by the way, was perfect for a heist because it was all from convenience stores, gas stations, liquor stores, fat food joints, grocery.
Stores riddled with bacteria.
What do you have within the bacteria is unmarked non sequential bills, Yeah, exactly, and a ton of them collected from business. It's impossible to track this cash. So the van is now loaded with millions in cash. Phil Johnson he walks over to the surveillance security system. He removes the videotapes recording the security cam footage. Then he went
and pulls his personnel file took it with him. Lastly, he locked the vault and said it to so it wouldn't be open until Sunday afternoon thanks to the timelock. Then he goes back. He unshackled James Brown and Dan Smith.
James smooths his pressed hair.
My pop is cocked. So he told them to hop in the van, lie down on top of the bags of money and do as instructed, or he would ventilate them. Right, I'm gonna give it to you, see with my heat at Phil Johnson. He starts the van up. He calmly drives out of the secured warehouse. He drives with the eighteen point eight million dollars he's managed in another van. No, they're in the back in the van with them, just
lying on their cash. Yeah, he's got a plan, Elizabeth. Okay, Now this eighteen point eight million in twenty twenty four dollars, double it, it would be thirty six point three million. Wow, Phil Johnson has he's got his thirty six million. Basically it's eighteen point eight. But anyway, where do you think he went with his loot and his two co workers that you questioned him bringing along.
I don't know the waterfront.
No, he went home. He drove to his place. He went back to his house. He had a three bedroom house, a nice little Tony joint about a mile away from the warehouse. By nine pm, he pulls into his place. He's like, sorry for the mess, guys. He took James Brown out of the van, he led him inside the house and then none of the neighbors saw the two
men go inside apparently. But once inside, Phil Johnson, he handcuffs the old vet James Brown to a metal pipe right now that James Brown is sitting there, and this is a pipe that is running through a closet. He's like in a closet and he's like attached to like one of the big metal like you know, okay, yeah, okay. So he leaves him some snacks in a two gallon jug of water, you know, for his blood sugar. He's
an older guy, thoughtful, I thought. Then Phil Johnson, he goes, he calls back into the white floor to cond of line van and he lays a blanket over Dan Smith and he's like we're gonna roll. And he fired that bad boy back to life. And he drove Dan Smith and the stolen millions away, right, they drove all through the night. Elizabeth. He's like humming songs to him, like
sing along dad. So and he tells Dance Smith if he by the way, if you try to get away, you try to do anything stupid, I am prepared to kill you. Okay, now worry what song you want to sing?
Right?
So eventually he has to pull the van over. I don't know if it's for a bio break or for gas or whatever. He tells Dan to lay there, covered by the blanket, handcuffed. Mind you to the van and he wanted to see, Like, you know, do you want to live to see the next day? Then just be cool, right? Dance Smith is like, I want to see tomorrow, so he acts cool. Phil Johnson meanwhile unloads the cash and
does some unseen secure location. Because Dance Smith's covered with the heavy blanket, Phil Johnson gets back in the van drives off again. They drive for four hours. Dan Smith has no idea what direction where they're going right. Then suddenly actually what he doesn't know is he's missing out on a great drive because they were on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Really nice. It would have been better for the autumn, but it was the spring anyway, so beautiful drive.
So this is also, by the way, now Easter Sunday because the days have passed.
And if it was me, I'd be car sick.
Yeah you do. So the van pulls over the backwoods outside Ashville, North Carolina. Oh right, Phil Johnson uncuffed Dan and he's like, you're not going to saying get out.
Right, So he find a cute coffee.
Shop something that we can do, and do it somewhere we can take photos. So they order. He orders him out of the van right. He handcuffs him to a tree. Then he leaves him some snacks in another jug of water. Once again, very thoughtful, He tells Dan Smith, look, man, I'll tell you the cops where to find you. Just wait forty eight hours and then they'll come out and
get you right now. If Elizabeth, I was curious about this when I was doing the research on this, if a co worker abducted you, drove you out to the woods in North Carolina, handcuffed you to a tree, that said, trust me, I'm going to alert the cops, would you believe them?
No?
Okay, Dan Smith was our kind of guy, because Elizabeth, you know what he had in his pocket? It is no, he wasn't happy to see you. A Swiss army knife.
Oh.
We used it to pick the handcuffs and he freed himself within an hour.
Good for her.
Yeah, then he walked out of the woods.
That's why you gotta always carry you know what do I know you do?
He flagged down. A passing motorist asked for a ride to the closest authorities he was given a ride to the US Forest Service station because that was the closest authorities like, how about a park ranger? Yeah, god's good, they got a badge. So I Meanwhile, my man Phil Johnson, he's initiating the second part of his plan, getting away with it. So back in Jacksonville, it's Sunday morning. The morning shift at Louis Fargo has a arrived for work
and discovered the vault was locked. The supervisor phoned the police. Cops arrived. They asked to see the security camo footage from the night before. Supervisor took them to the surveillance room, where they discovered there are no tapes of the night before. Things looked rough for the investigating officers. But this is when the Jacksonville Police received a call from the cops in North Carolina. They had this guy who had gone to the Park Service and now they got into it
all the way to the police. They told him the Jacksonville cops said, is what Dan Smith had told them. Together with the FBI, the Jacksonville Pd raced over to Phil Johnson's house. They raid the house and what do they find. No brown in a closet exactly they find James Brown in the closet. No Phil Johnson though, So the FBI Field agency starts the whole home. They discover all sorts of clues. There was paperwork that showed Phil
Johnson had definitely secured fake identities. There was some tourist books that indicated he may have cut out for Brazil. It's like Brazil and five dollars now. So all in all, the investigators find that Phil Johnson had been planning his heist for five years.
Wow.
So it took him five years of being a security guard before he's like, forget all this, I'm gonna go become a lawless outlaw.
Yeah.
So they also found that Phil Johnson had painted a personal mantra on the walls of one of his homes. He painted three words Elizabeth House of Pain. I don't think he was like a super fan of the band get Down exactly. I think I think he said, look, look y'all, I came to get down. I came to get down, So get up in your seat and jump arou right is because jump jump jump his his house of pain.
That her mom, I came, I know that about you. Right.
So, now that the FBI has their main suspect the ever last number one fan. The NPI launches a nationwide man hunt. But what was Phil Johnson up to?
He was in the wind.
Well, he ditched the white Florida Connoline van.
Good call, I'm interested to find out what that stop was.
Oh, yeah, that's where he dumped off the money.
Yeah, where is that?
Yeah? Exactly. Well, we do know that he dumped the Florida Connoline van at the National Guard Armory parking lot. That would take a while to notice. Kind of smart.
Thank you for your serving. Yeah.
The FBI checked the transportation records of all the various airports, bus stations, train stations, and they found evidence that suspected Phil Johnson, using one of his fake identities, had bought a Greyhound ticket to Mexico and most likely fled the country.
Oh man at Greyhound in Mexico.
At this point, he has a five year head start in terms of planning. Right, He's been underestimated his entire life. Oh and now he's showed the law enforcement community what they've been missing out on. And he's got the eighteen point eight million dollars to fuel his revenge too, and had done it, ripped off his employer, he's successfully gotten away, but it gone on the lamb. He was laying low and staying there for months. Wow, the FBI had no
solid leaves. Jacksonville PD had even fewer. Finally, on July twenty sixth, nineteen ninety seven, Washington Post published a star at the headline and I quote, have you seen this man? He's thirty three, single, lonely, grouchy, rumpled, and very possibly the richest thief who ever lived. God get him Washington Palace. He's homely, exactly, grouchy, grumpled. I mean, he could use an iron, That's what I'm saying.
Poke the bear. They're trying to get him all upset.
That's what I'm thinking. Louis Fargo, meanwhile, is furious. The company has offered half a million dollars for any information that would lead to Phil Johnson's whereabouts or his arrest. No one's coming forward. Mike Hurd, the FBI field agent in charge of the man hunt, said, and I quote, he looks like anybody, So go find him and we'll give you a half million. Like we got nothing, y'all.
Therobo for the FBI was that they had their hands full with a far more high profile purp at the time, the killer Andrew Kanana yea, yeah, he was on his cross country killing spree. At this point. The FBI was very much focused on calculating Florida exactly. There was another factor that also made it difficult to capture Phil Johnson. He was wholly unremarkable looking. He was a nondescript wife guy. His blonde hair was his most distinguishing feature, and blonde
hair can easily be dyed so effectively. His plainness made him invisible. Yes, finally working out for Elizabeth. At this point April April okay so and his old friends, they were shocked to learn what he'd been up to lately. His friend Tim Gray was at a funeral, yeah, about his old buddy Phil Johnson had done. And somebody told him, did you hear Phil Johnson gave himself a raise sou Southern humor. Now you know who was also impressed. The
Guinness Book of World Records. Mark Young, the editor of the US edition of the Guinness Book of World Records, when he heard that Phil Johnson what he had done, he said, and I quote damned impressive. Actually twenty million, and he's still out there.
He's rounding up on him.
Yeah, totally, Vin, do you think he'd be better on the stats?
Right?
But he was so impressed because his young well knows. Phil Johnson had obliterated the old record for the most money ever stolen in a heist. The previous record was eleven million dollars stolen from an armored car vault in New York City. Now around the world, the record was a disputed amount because it was somewhere between twenty and fifty million dollars. Yeah, I don't know which was stolen from the vault in safe deposit boxes of the British Bank of the Middle East in Bay Route. Oh, but
that wasn't one man. That was a whole heist team and they'd use bombs. So you know, Phil Johnson, he just used routine and cleverness to rip off eighteen point eight Yeah, solid, indisputable right now, do you know how much money that is?
I mean physically, well, what were you saying some about cubic feet?
Yes, twenty one twenty one cubic FEETLLEA, that's moving that much cash would have been insane workout. Mike heard the FBI agent. He estimated that the amount Phil Johnson stole as he said, I quote, I'm told the dimensions were roughly twenty one cubic feet. That's a heck of a lot of money.
Yeah, that is a heck of a lot of money.
You said it might urg Yeah. Now, if you took those big Duffel bags that you like that can hold a dead body, yes, one one cubic feet of cash would fill about six of those Duffle bags. That's how much we're talking. If you try to deposit the money at a different banks in order not to raise suspicions, you'd have to stay under like that ten thousand dollars mark so the bank wouldn't report it. That means you'd have to go to one and eighty banks before you'd
be good. Huh right. You can wash the money, but you have to trust someone. You could hide it. You could bury it, wrap it up, paint it like a fake bowlder, you know whatever. But I don't recommend burying money because it will rot in the ground, and if you leave it sitting somewhere, rats will sometimes eat it. Ask my man Pablo Escobar about that. So what's a self respecting mastermind to do with your twenty one feet
a cubic feet mind you of cash. I don't know well after this break a little, but I will tell you.
Oh Elizabeth, goodness, we're burke. We're burke. So now that we're back, dude phil Johnson, Right, His sister provided some insight as to what kind of guy they were dealing with, right, ZIBII was like investigating everybody, talking everybody, and he was like, to her, he was very clearly more of an outlaw folk hero than anybody else would have fought, right, she said, And I quote, if Philip even has the money, if he hasn't buried it somewhere, he'll probably just give it away,
find an orphanage or something in South America and just give it to them.
Hmmm. I haven't seen any evidence of that, but you know what, that's his sister. She knows best.
That's what I was gonna say. You you would think that, uh that from our the read you have, right, but remember the bitterness was an acquired quality of his before the bitterness inside the onion layer years of his soul. There is a kind hearted kid in there, right, And so she also hinted at the sister at what his motivations were for stealing the money, other than proving that the cops should have hired him, Like obviously that's job number one, right, But other than that, his sister said,
Phil Johnson wanted revenge. In other words, he was still mad at God. So you want to him attack and dethrone cop does job number two? Right, So Sharon said it I quote really, that's what this is all about, payback to show the world what morons wels Fargo is because Philip never cared about the money, right, So she's like, he wants to get back at his boss to get the cops and God, he doesn't care about the money.
His old high school buddy and this dude named Shaeffer, he noted that you could trace a straight line back to Phil Johnson's old Suparu. Oh He's like, yeah, when he was he was a super he was a boo owner. So they were in a high school and his old Subaru was, as Shaeffer put a quote, so roached. It
was a wonder they let him drive it. But he loved it because it was beat so right, a little insight there, Now, Phil Johnson, was he still getting even with life or because he didn't really do it for the money.
Apparently, sure that people made him feel like he wasn't smart. Yes, and so either because he couldn't get these jobs or at work, it's probably so like not intellectually challenging. So he's showing like, you know, I can outsmart all of you. You're morons.
You're the morons, not me, you too, God?
Yeah, and you got God's like, let us wait and see.
I think the amount that he picked up was to get attention, he guys, clearly. I think he wanted to be a big score. So that way he would you know, which he most certainly got. So back to the question at hand, what would he do with the stolen Lucci? As his pal high school pal Shaeffer suggested, quote, has he just taken enough to live on and ditch the rest? I wouldn't put it past him to sit there and burn twenty million and keep one of it as a SPI thing close to him. Suggest he doesn't give a yeah,
you know, a feather or a fig about this, right? Yeah, So anyway, Phil Johnson, Son of the House of Pain, right, what is he up to? This outlaw folk hero of the busted and beat? Where is he Elizabeth? And what is he doing with all the stolen cash.
What do you think did he make it to Mexico?
He was indeed in Mexico. He made it out of the country. He deposited some of the money in Mexican banks, not eighteen hundred of them, but some of the money. He floated around. He played the happy gringo once again, nondescript, forgettable, blends in with all the other, like you know, jerks down there embarrassing themselves.
Six giant uffel bags with them.
Exactly six body bags of cash. Meanwhile, the FBI is scouring the North Carolina woods. He was looking for a clue. The white Ford, a Connoline van eventually gets called in. The FBI investigates that vehicle. It offers very little inevidence or clues. Like I said, dude was meticulous. They got nothing, not even a hair out of it. Right, so THEI They tracked though a series of suspicious bus tickets. They believe that Phil Johnson bought a Greyhound ticket to Atlanta.
Then he bought a ticket to Brownsville, Texas. At the border town, he bought another bus ticket into Mexico, and agents eventually found evidence supported this theory. They found proof that Phil Johnson had spent some nights in Mexico. But after that trail went cold, not a boom, right, They're like, what are we gonna do with this guy? Now? Loomis Fargo, the security company, they had their own team to investigate, so they said, you go down and find Phil Johnson.
Right.
The FBI. Meanwhile, they turned up a phone call to a local Ashville, North Carolina TV station that had alerted the news department where there was a man handcuffed in the woods. So he was good to yeah, and the FBI trade he tried to trace the call and back to my man, Mike Hurd, the lead FBI field agent, he said, we don't know. He made some noise about ma Bell because it was very much like coming out
of the breakup of the Bell phone phone company. So he's like, yeah, with mob Bell, there's just so many phone companies. I mean, can you tell me how many phone companies there are? Yeah, come on, FBI. Anyway, the FBI, they turned to USA Today, all right, and they took out a full page ad.
So they asked him, some people in hotels across.
Exactly, put down your croissant and your medium coffee and tell me have you seen this man. He's surly, he's ornery, he's rumpled, so grouchy.
It's like everybody.
They started asking for information leading to the arrest of Phil Johnson. They get nothing. Right Still, they spent months of digging. They have very few leads. They have found one thing that will help them, Phil Johnson's fake identities. They found the paperwork. They connected the dots on that. They found that one of the fake identities was in the name of his half brother, another was in the name of a high school friend, and another was an old roommate.
So if he knows he's gonna have to skip out, why leave any evidence in the house.
I don't know. I'm surprised by that too. He's meticulous about everything, but he leaves behind that. I was surprised by That'd be quite honest with You.
Do a burn pit in the neighbor's yard, exactly right, just.
Be regularly burning leaves. So the FBI struggled to get the public to care about this problem. Right, So now we got this outlaw full caro who's not really a full caro because nobody cares about him. Right, So Phil Johnson's is overlooked and ignored. So meanwhile, there's a guy who worked at the local Jacksonville radio stations, Guy al Wells. He writes a full caro ballad for Phil Johnson.
Good is like a morning Zoo type totally.
But even he noted how forgettable Phil Johnson was, and he said, and I quote, what's really hurt the guy in terms of turning into a PR coup another dB Cooper is his name, so dull Philip Johnson, Even I can't remember it. So there's your songwriter, Disny months from now passing the now international manhunt has produced not a bubb GISs ziltch.
Right.
It's almost as if that was the problem. Because Phil Johnson he'd always wanted to rub his outlaw success in the face of the law enforcement community who rejected him, and he couldn't even do that because they were like, oh, we're gonna stop looking at this guy. So whatever, he got eighteen point eight million, but eventually he did something about it. Essentially he got their attention again, or at least that's how it seems to me. I don't know if it was intentional, but sure I like it. Right.
My point is, Elizabeth, I'd like you to close your eyes as I'd like you to picture it. It's August thirtieth, nineteen ninety seven, and Elizabeth, you are in Brownsville, Texas. I don't need to tell you, but it's been a hot wire. So you are down there at the US Mexico border crossing across the river from Matemoros, Mexico, and you're working at the border. That's right, you are a
US customs agent. It's already been a long day, a hot day, and you can hear the air conditioning as it hums above the soft din of waiting border crossers, but you don't really feel that air conditioning. All around you families and laborers, mixed with salespeople and business commuters, most of all of them are Mexicans or Americans returning home.
You are, in fact the supervisor for this border station, and at the moment you walk among your border agents, stopping momentarily at each agent's kiosk to observe how they greet and process the incoming travelers. You see a Youngish American man step up to a border guard's kiosk as you settled in to observe the agent's demeanor and professionalism. You run a tight ship, Elizabeth, and have high expectation
for your agents. You note that this agent asked by wrote with a flat affected delivery the first question, what was the purpose of your visit to Mexico. The agent you're observing is named Virginia Rodriguez. She's processing the intake for a line of travelers, most of whom just stepped
off of an america An inbound bus. While she may be going through the motions, You're pleased to see that Agent Rodriguez's attention snaps to a sharp focus as soon as the agent detects that the Youngish man standing before her is particularly nervous. When he was asked what the purpose was of his visit to Mexico, he paused for a moment, Elizabeth, A long moment, one you noticed, and then he said, to visit friends. That caught your attention,
and it peaked Agent Rodriguez's suspicions. She repeats his answer back to him, to visit friends. The Youngish man replies, Yeah, that's it, Yeah, her friends. You have to stifle a laugh at this man's poor impression of John Lovett's pathological liar character from SNL back in the day. Meanwhile, Agent Rodriguez hones in on the truth. She has to see proof of the man's identity, a driver's license, a passport. The youngish man pulls out a North Carolina driver's license.
You hear Agent Rodriguez pronounce the name on the license, Roger Lauder. That's your name, sar. The man answers in the affirmative. You watch over Agent Rodriguez's shoulder as she types in the name Roger Locker into her computer terminal. The cursor on the green and black screen flashes as the computer retreats information, and then boom upflashes a warning. The name Roger Lauder is a known alias for the suspect who robbed the Loomis Fargo warehouse in Jacksonville, Florida.
Agent Rodriguez spins coolly around, looks at you, her supervisor. You give her that steely look and a pert smile. Then you turn your attention to two waiting border security guards. You give the signal to the armed border guards. The two guards move quickly, professionally. They approach from either side of the young man. Then he sees your attention has shifted. He spins around on his heels in time to see the two border guards just as they march up on him.
They grabbed by the arms. Sir, if you'll come with us, you give a quick congratulations to Agent Rodriguez for her astute eye for a suspicious traveler. Then you followed the sound of the two armed border security guards boots as they lead the young suspect into an unmarked back room for first questioning, and boom, just like that, Philip Johnson was caught. Nice congratulations, you and your team busted Phil Johnson, Elizabeth, the man with the single largest armored car heist in US history.
Thank you so much as them, Yeah, we did well.
After confirming his real identity, the custom agents turned over Phil Johnson to the FBI. The g men held him on charges of armed robbery as well as kidnapping, interstate flight to avoid prosecution, and now he was surrounded by law enforcement agents up which ironically was where he always wanted to be, right he made it. After questioning, the FBI learned that Johnson used the birth certificate of a former roommate to get a driver's license in the new
of Roger Lauder. Same for his other fake IDs. Now, at the time of his arrest, he had ten seven hundred and fourteen dollars on him in cash roughly another sixty five thousand dollars that he deposited in eight different Mexican banks. After five months on the lamp, Phil Johnson had spent how much of the money?
Well, I mean what he's got less than one hundred grand they accounted for at this point totally at eighteen point eight mil.
One hundred and eighty six thousand dollars, that's all he spent over five months. When he's got this big score, he clearly was not in it for the money. The rest of the stall in eighteen point eight million was located in a storage facility in the town of Mountain Home, North Carolina. So just some random storage facility sitting there eighteen point eight millions.
What if it had gone what if he hadn't paid for the facility and then someone.
Else would get it for like four grand? Yep. That's always my goal, my goal in life. You talk about winning the lottery, I want to buy a storage unit that has like is part of a major crime, and then I get all the cash and I don't tell anybody what happened.
Though.
He bought a storagin and retired.
And he just pays cash for everything.
From Canada. So, as you might guess, mister House of Pain, he was unfriendly when he was arrested and he was called belligerent. He refused to cooperate. Yeah, he was still kind of rumpled and grouchy. But however, eventually his better instincts kicked in. He pleaded guilty to charges of it interfering with interstate commerce, money laundering, kidnapping, all the charges they threw at him. He was eventually tried, convicted, and sentenced to twenty five years in prison in Colorado. Then
he was That's where he was first incarcerated. Then he later was transferred to a federal facility in California, and in twenty twenty Elizabeth Yamter, serving out twenty two years of his full twenty five year sentence. Will Johnson was released from prison. Yeah, not much time off.
Forget, he usually don't get the full ticket.
Yeah, I don't know what he was doing on the inside, but yeah, he wasn't making friends still, Yeah, what can you do. The lawyer who'd represented him in his trial was a man named Tom Cushman, a local Jacksonville lawyer. He attempted in the newspapers to sum up his former client and why he did what he did, and Cushman said, and I quote, I sincerely believe that he sincerely believed in what he was doing as a labor protest And I just say that I love that if that actually was.
True, I love that.
He's totally Kushman the lawyer. He also offered that I always like Philip. He was quiet, but he was very intense. Philip was very bright. He did not let on that he thought deeply or that he was very bright, but clearly he was. So there you go.
I like, he didn't let on.
Yeah, he couldn't tell look at him in the eye, but there was something big secret. His light was under a couple of bushels. So at this point, Philip Johnson, he could be in his Basically he'd be about sixty years old. I think, yeah, his former lawyer has no idea where to find him. He is free. He's somewhere out there in the world. So phil Johnson, if you're listening, good on your brother. He says, no one knows where to find him. But I bet his sister Sharon knows
where to find him. But when the counselor was asked where his former client might be these days, Cushman said, and I quote, I would think that he would be doing something very low key, avoiding publicity and all, although it seemed to me that he had a good story to tell. Now, Phil Johnson, if you happen to.
Hear this, two things, get a book agent.
Yes, exactly. Congrats from us. Number one on pulling off your heist and having an exit plan like we are so happy to her.
No one really got hurt.
No one, definitely, no one got hurt. And also well done on all of that around the way right, you know, getting your revenge, you know, oh it for him attacking and dethroning God, whatever it is you're trying to be a way to go right. But also number two, as Elizabeth points out, get yourself a book agent, because my man, you need to write a book. You are now a qualified author.
Oh yeah, you've been in prison, he's done the time. It would be a fascinating book.
I think so, And I do, like I'm I'm with all the people close to him. I'd like to believe that he's just somebody who got twisted by life.
And that's what I think.
He was a kind heart kid.
Yeah, I want to know more about that, So get a literary agent.
Dude, get hunted, get a type.
It add to our ridiculous crime library.
Yeah, paper's cheap and typewriters are still out there, that's right. So hey, what's our ridiculous takeaway from here? Elizabeth?
Oh boy, that is one way to protest labor.
Great the labor protest, right. But if that is true, I love it.
Yeah.
Yeah, do you think it's true?
No? No, And I don't think. I don't think it was like a big revenge thing. I think he was just thinking, like, I could do this. I'm bored out of my skull. I think. I think. I think he sits there all day long and then thought about how he would go about doing this and then realizing how easy it could be. And yeah, I think he was mad at him and he thought, here's my two fingers. I'm out of here.
You take away? Thanks for asking. Martin Luther King once said that the riot is the voice of the unheard. I think his heist was the voice of the neglected.
Oh that's good. I like that. That's my that's my takeaway too.
You're taking that one, Yeah, Davy wanting on this this could be yours too, I'll take it very good. Nice. Well, hey, while you're while you're on the mic, Hey, we're in the mood for a talkback. How's that sound for you? Oh my god, I.
Want gee hey, guys, just an idea inspired by EVP. What if the two of you played two truths in a lie where you each describe three crimes and the other one has to figure out which crime was the lie.
That sounds fun.
That's a good one.
Yeah, do you want to do that?
Yeah, we should totally do that. That'll be a good episode. Like, yeah, we'll get David on this too.
Yeah, thank you so much much.
Talkbacker, Yeah, talker Backer.
Give it up well. As always, you can find us online Ridiculous Crime, Twitter, Instagram, so forth and so on. We have the website that we do love, Ridiculous Crime dot com. Check it out. Also, we love your talkbacks, so hit up you iHeart app, download it, do what you got to record it and may hear yourself on the air. Also emails if you like. We love the stories Ridiculous Crime at gmail dot com. Started tier Elizabeth and uh that's all we got for you. Once again.
We'll catch you next cry. Ridiculous Crime is hosted by Elizabeth Dutton and Zaren Burnett, produced and edited by the Mayor of Jacksonville, Florida, Dave Cousten. Research is by Florida's most feared fact checkers and researchers, Marissa Brown and Andrea Song Sharpened Tear. Our theme song is by Thomas Alleged Lee and Travis Yeah, That's the ticket, Dutton. The host
wardrobe provided by Botany five hundred. Executive producers are Ben twenty one cubic feet of cash, Bowlin and nol I brought snacks Brown.
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