Double Trouble: Jose and Ozzie Canseco

dog pattern baldness. You can buy a dog to pay. Yeah, they're sold in toy machines, just like those little gumball machines. So if you're like out and about now Blue, put some pep in his step step. I'm not trying to be like gender about this. Oh my good wait, So do dog dogs don't have baldness? Oh yeah, they actually do. I mean they have made not like male pattern baldness where they go like, you know, but just a fun little Yeah, they just want to have a fun little time.

Maybe they recently had a surgery and they're just like feeling a little self conscious about it, or maybe they just like, you know, they never really liked being a blonde. That's true, you know, let's switch it up. Yeah, just like ridiculous. Yeah. Sorry, do you want to know what else is ridiculous? I love ridiculous when major League Baseball players fighting random dudes while dresses vampires. Did you say twin major League Baseball player dresses vampires. I'm there, I'm

Elizabeth Dutton. He's Saron Burnett, and this is Ridiculous Crime, a podcast about absurd and outrageous capers, heists, and cons. It's always murder free and one ridiculous. Saren Elizabeth. I brought a friend here today to help me tell this episode story. Oh thank god, I thought I was hallucinating. He's not just my friend, he's my brother, Travis Dutton.

For those who are not in the know, he wrote and played the theme song Ridiculous Crime, and some of our listeners may remember that he also told a classmate in elementary school that John bon Jovi was our uncle and he is not man. So thanks for coming over here to Ridiculous Crime headquarters today, Travis, how you doing? Thank you for having me excited to be It's good to be at the headquarters. Thank you. This is our first guest. Yeah, we have parking validation. We can ask

you about that one of the dogs. Yeah. Another thing to know about traviy Um and me, but more him, is that he's a serious Oakland A's baseball fan. This is true. Yeah, when we were growing up, we had season tickets and you were at the infamous World Series game against the San Francisco Giants on October seventeenth. Loma Prieta earthquake hit right before the game five oh four. What was that, like, Travis, tell us what that was? Like?

You know what, the thing that really sticks out about that is that, you know, like you said, it happened right before the game was supposed to start, and it was the A's versus the Giants Baybridge Series that you could feel it in the air, and when the earthquake happened, everyone in the stadium started cheering and and they didn't

realize how bad the situation was. And this is pre cell phone pre so people were just so stoked about, you know, this big World Series, and it kindly it started to set in like, oh wait, there's some buildings on fire in the district. So people just thought that everyone was like big game, Like it was just crazy. And then exactly, yeah, you could see it almost looked like water kind of on the field. Yeah, yeah, nobody. Everyone thought it was like awesome, that's crazy, that's crazy. Um.

Who was your favorite as player in that time? Jose Canseco, hands down. So that's actually why we're here today, jose Canseco. Let's do some background on on your man Jose for a second, Sar. And you're familiar with him, right, mr guy. He was the guy in the Bay for being like combination of power and speed. Yes, yeah, so he played right field for the A's from eighty five to ninety two.

Amazing player. He was named American League MVP, as you said, because he was the first player to hit forty home runs and steal forty basses in the same season. Club baby, not the not to be confused with Jay Z's nightclub Club. Is that what he named it after? Let's say he did. Um, Now, don't forget we also had Ricky Henderson on that team. He was my favorite, yeah, Ricky. Uh, Stolen bases were

a thing in those late eighties seasons. Um, it's an exciting team, exciting time and uh, so many great players. Who else did you like? Oh, there's Dave Henderson, there was Walt Weiss. You had start. You had Dennis Ecker my favorite team. Yeah, and you know, Jose was one of the Bash Brothers. He he and his teammate Mark McGuire. Um. They were known as the Bash Brothers. For more information on this, please watch the riveting nineteen documentary film called

The Unauthorized Bash Brothers Experience. Put it on my list, yeah, I promise you. Um. Can I just say that when I saw that my soul briefly left my body, it was just too much and too perfect. Um. So they called themselves a Bash Brothers because Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire used to get all juiced up and hit home runs and then they bumped their forearms together in the shape of an X when they trotted across o home plate, and they called it the Monster Bash. Really I didn't know, though,

Monster Bash. Everyone starts copying it, right, so like now you see kids, do I mean it's the monster ha ha? See. Okay, So the a starts selling shirts and banners that say let's bash, and then the marketing department for the A's worked with Channel thirty six, which is like a local UHF station. Um, they did a song in a music video to the tune of Monster Match. Yes see, I think like a marketing exac you do is you're right there, You're one step ahead. So the video would play on

the Colisseum Diamond Vision screen. I'm going to put the video up on our Instagram. I found it. Um. It was awesome at the time, but like a lot of things that seemed cool in the late eighties early nineties, it reads a little corny now, just a little smidge, but pretty cool feeling it. The video is funny because the fashions have sort of come back around, so there's like high waisted mom pants and like the haircuts and stuff, so it looks like it could be someone trying to

be metro ironic now really good at it. It's Muyo Tintoko so good. The A's went to the World Series three straight years travels from shaking your head, man, It's just if you've loved and lost like I have, you'd understand how painful it is to bring all this stuff up. But yeah, eight um, you got the Kirk Gibson I knew. Yeah, that's the that's the thing that l hirsh eys Er Kirk Gibson team. That was a tough year for y'all. And then the arm pump. Yeah, the arm pump. Run

around the basis the old k veterans. Okay, we're gonna be okay. Trapping would make it okay. Um he uh. Jose though, let's get back to Jose. Let's think about good. Yeah cool. If you weren't around at that time, you don't. You have to understand that Jose Canseco wasn't just a big baseball star, and he was incredible. He was larger than life. He was a cultural presence, if you will. For a ten year old, he was like a Hulk Hogan type, just like wow, like just huge everything. Yeah,

outsized and flashy. It was. It was rumored that he was dating Madonna, remember, but I don't think that was actually true. I thought they did. I don't know. He claims that she wanted to She told him she wanted to have Cuban babies with him. Cuban, Yeah, that's She's like. He's like, I'm Puerto Rican. She's like, I know you're from Puerto Rico, but you and me Cuban babies. Let's do this. I don't know how it's good for um. I have a lab He drove crazy sports cars. He

had like mustangs and corvettes. Yeah, total corvette kind of guy. You played, You played little league, and in order to hone your skills, our mom sent you to Jose Cansaco baseball camp at a local community college. Big shout out to Diablo Valley College. Tell us about Jose Cansaco baseball camp. What do you remember? It was very hot because it was out in the suburbs of the Bay Area, so I wasn't used to that. Um, it was a normal style baseball camp. Um, you know, running drills and all

that kind of stuff. And basically, in my mind, I thought Jose and Seco was going to be teaching you, thinking me the ins and outs of baseball on a day, day to day basis. But he showed up one afternoon and did batting practice with an aluminum baseball bat and just rocked baseballs out of this community college. And everyone's just like whoa, you know, like, because an aluminium bat for a major league baseball player is like it's it was insane. So basically in my like, so, yeah, he

wasn't there every day. Did anyone else show up from the team, Yeah, Walt Weiss was with him. Was he the every day with you guys. It was very intimate, No, but that was it they should like now thinking back, he probably the Kose probably learned about this the morning of Like his manager was probably like getting the vet. You're going down to the community college. You gotta do

this batting practice for a bunch of kids. I think there might have been a little speech, you know, like hey, stay in school, keep your eye on the ball, and don't do drugs. And he's got like a hanging out of this. Yeah, and I got I got his autograph on a baseball, but it was with a red pen so you could barely see it. And I ended up losing because I actually used it to play baseball, just

signed Jose in my twenties. Yeah, it was a weird time. Yeah, so it's probably somewhere, you know, some back lot kicking around. So here's this like he Jose Canseco god like baseball hero for you, helps the A's win the eight nine series. Sure, um, a couple of months after that eighty nine series, he got a rested for illegal possession of a handgun, pled guilty to a misdemeanor, got three years unsupervised probation. So he's a baseball hero and a little bit of an outlaw,

a little bit of a bad boy, bad boy for life. Um. He also has a brother, just like I do, but he has a twin brother. We're not twins, but he has a twin brother named Azzi. And they were born on July two, n sixty four in Havana, Cuba, And so their parents brought them to the US the next year and they grew up in Miami. So Azzi played professional baseball too, and um, Jose is like a little

bit taller, but they're pretty much like, yeah, exactly. Um, he played professional baseball, not at the level of Jose, but he did play for the A's. He played for the A's when a professional ball, which is big. That's a big thing. I've never done that. So he was on the A's when Jose was on the a And Um, he struggled to match up to his siblings skills. We mostly played together in spring training. Yeah, and then he bounced around Japan for a little bit, played there, and

then came back and played on various minor league teams. Um, so you got these two guys, twin brothers, skilled athletes, a little wild, a couple of handsome Cubans out there taking the world by storm. Let's take a quick break. Um. I want you to, guys to loosen up, stretch, you know, run some drills. When we come back, I'm gonna tell you about an absolutely epic night that Jose Canseco and his brother Ozzi had in Miami. Ben Veneto Amami. Where

their crimes, yes, where their costumes also? Yes? Interested take a lap? Okay, Fellas. So right now it's me Zaren, producer Dave and none other than my brother Travis, and we're here to talk Conseco, talking Conseco, Fellas. I want you to close your eyes and picture. Its Halloween Night two thousand one the Opium Garden nightclub in Miami's South Beach. It's a place to see and be seen. Total a

list joint, Miami's hottest nightclub. It's got everything. It's got Madori Sours, Legionnaire's disease, twin vampires, Jose Conseco, who at this point is a free agent, and Azzie they like strut into the club and they're wearing costumes. What costumes do you think they're wearing? Baseball players and Roger Rabbit. It's a horse costume the two part of horse in the back. Um, they were dressed as leather clad vampires.

It was very kind of and Rice Yeah, okay, el stat instead of listep Jose's date, Amber Glick, She's dressed as a Native American. It's a dicey well, I'm guessing this. He comes with feathers this out. Oh yeah, u p I reported that the costume was made of quote, feathers and a bikini. It was a different time. It was dress a bikini. That's her costume. That's her costume. I don't know what was adorning the bikini costume. Dumb, dumb, offensive,

defensive and dumb. So there, so is this this nightclub and it's apparently like this Asian themed nightclub, which again we're just wading through problematic waters here completely um knee deep at this point. But it's Halloween Night two thousand one, so we're two months out from nine eleven. Ever, in a mood, they want to cover this summer of the shark, right, everyone was cared about sharks. Oh yeah, that was big shark attacks and then little do we know, the eleven happened.

There we go, Now, then Halloween Night happened for the Conseco Boys. So there are some obviously other people at the party. Two of them where Christian Presley, who is un or was an oncology drug researcher. I don't know what he does now, can we know him? He's an oncology drug at the time, he's like a number two oncology drug researcher. He's a random clo. And then he's there with his buddy Alan Cheeks, which I'm not making like that sounds like something I called someone who's like

Alan Chico. No, Alan Cheeks. He's a scientist. So we got science guys. Dr Cheeks if you're after Um, they're visiting Miami for a conference and they just want to get a little loose. Yeah, just get a taste in the nightlife. Exactly Old Presley and Sweet Cheeks out on the town. You know, Amber Glick Jose's date. She's walking through the crowded club when, according to the Conseco Brothers, Presley lifted up her skirt. So I guess she had

like a kind of like fancy skirt. And I'm thinking by skirt they just mean a very wide belt, Like I don't think I don't think it's like it's like a Mennonite ankle length skirt. Um he lifts up her skirt and grabs her crotch in her butt. Apparently it was a long reach. He just went for a scoop and jose was in the room. Was in the room. All right, Well let's see what happens, right, So okay with them right there? So there she's walking through Presley.

Now he says, I only touched a feather on her skirt, not her body. So he's just like tickling the feathers as they walked by. Either way, I'm a featherfici, not a what glick gets upset when this happens and she runs to the bathroom. So I'm feeling like you wouldn't run to the bathroom if someone just touched a feather on your skirt. She said later she didn't see who

did it, but Aussie and Josie did. She also said that her costume was homemade and that they're the only feathers were on the headdress and that the skirt was made of fur. She was wearing her for a bikini guy and a head dress. Yeah, and uh, like a woman who's also been how how much do you want to bet she had like striped face paint to like on her, like the whole nine. She's like, if I'm going to be offensive, I'm just gonna go all in

going for it. So she's got this cause she says he couldn't know, he couldn't have touched a feather because no feathers on my skirt. Buddy, case closed. So, um, you know, prosecution rests right there. Um, Pressley is standing there just being a d bag, and so can the vibes he's vibing on. When suddenly a six ft four pound vampire wearing a sleeveless shirt and a black leather vest rolls up to him. That vampire Josie Kin sakes right, I don't want to imagine this big meat castle just

bounding down on you. So there was this lawsuit later and it stread and coming at you like sunburned and you can see veinsds. So this lawsuit later there was a statement quote without any provocation, Jose attacked Presley, shoving him against a call um, lifting him up by the throat and choking him. Jose punched Presley several times before proceeding to punch cheeks. A bouncer tried to stop the attack, but Jose can say, continued, I got this one really

busy right now fighting two dudes. He then jumped in and hit both Presley and Cheeks with an open fist. Now, what's an open fist? Is my question? To slap right, Ozzy said he only hit Cheeks when he thought he was threatening Jose with a broken beer bottle, So he did it like self defense, fear for his own safety. But why the open fist? Well, Azz, he said it was because of the fake fingernails he was wearing as a vampire. He couldn't make a fist. Oh yeah, he's

a snap with long nails. He does have a point, but do you think they're probably just press on? So if he started to claw with him, they go flying off. But he still wants to party. He still wants that. He doesn't want to mess up his costume commitment to the night. Yeah, because he's anticipating that the final end, but the night will go on. Yeah, yeah, they're gonna win this fight. So uh he so Azz he can't make a fist because of his nails. Jose denies hitting

Pressley at all. He said he only pushed him away with an open hand to protect click bathroom to stop him. He walked into it repeatedly, and then Azzy, he says, Ozzy did all the hitting. So it's the reverse of what happened when they were in the bleak together. So he throws his long nailed, long finger nailed brother under

the bus. Good job, Jose. According to Pressley, after the fight, Jose yelled at him, you're lucky to be standing, right, and that Presley was nine sure that he added after that, you're lucky to be alive. What was doubt? Turkey? Can we go back to the fight for a second. How awesome that sounds that he picked the guy up from his with his by the neck, put him against a type. Yeah, and then while he's holding him up, proceeds to mr. So he's got one guy suspended and then it comes up. Yeah,

that's that's that's just cool. It's cool. It's a great visual. Um Presley, he got a broken nose, which later required surgery to help him breathe allegedly, and he got cuts to his mouth, probably from the nails. Um, he got a concussion, he sprained his neck, and then he also said he quote suffered disgrace, humiliation, and shame, deep deep shame, like psychological and physical shame, like the kind you need like years of therapy for. That's what the insurance companies,

he said. I think I have looked. I can't find what these two clowns were dressed as, because I like, I need what are the dot does this? What does a scientist dress up it on at a conference? Let's imagine them dressed like those guys. One's dressed like uranus and the other stress like some atomic structure for like caffeine. Okay, I like that. I like the Will Ferrell Christan pickup guys. I think, yeah, okay, couples costumes for sure, they're imagining

we're going as half a kiss. Yeah, But the thing is there at a conference, did they pack costumes knowing they'd be there for Halloween and they'd want to go out. They just want on our heads and crazy guys. The thing is, we don't know, so we get to invent it. That's what I like. So I'm gonna just imagine they took all the conference swag of like lanyards and stress balls, and they're like, I'm a mad scientist. Yeah, all right, let's go with that. So I'm Lea Coca's worst nightmare.

So Jose and Nazi they get arrested in all this and they're held in Miami Dade County jail. Jose says, I know that my brother and myself were definitely victims, and the girl I was with got sexually assaulted. We got attacked. We are the victims here. We just defended ourselves. Does have a point? November two thousand two, so like

a year later, the brothers plead guilty. Well, Auzzie pleads to felony and misdemean battery and Jose pleads to one count of felony aggravated battery in two counts of misdemeanor battery. M Jose he gets sentenced to three years of probation, two d and fifty hours of community service and anger management classes. Auzzy he gets eighteen months of probation, two hundred hours of community service and anger management classes. Now, were they sended the same anger management class? Like a

group therapy. You sit in there and those two come in a back leather. Yeah, Well here's the AZZI gets like the lesser. He's always the lesser there. Yeah, he just doesn't get enough, So Jose said later that he pled guilty because he wanted to spare his family the pain at the trial, and he said he added, quote, if I would have hit any of these gentlemen seven or eight times as they claim, they wouldn't be standing,

which kind of backs up what Presley said. He yelled, Yeah, I kind of believe him, But don't you think, like I feel like every statement that he makes, like the bad to the bone riff has to come out. He wouldn't be standing barning, you know what I'm saying. The guys just cool. Yeah. January two thousand three, Presley and Cheeks they soothed the Conseco twins for battery, intentional infliction of emotional stress and conspiracy to commit battery for when

the brothers looked at each other and nodded where they went. Yeah, the boys, Presley in Cheeks. They asked for one point five million dollars in compensatory damages and an unspecified amount of punitive damages for injuries sustained in the fight. The case goes to trial April two. Yeah, so it's like we're now four years on almost The jury awarded Presley in Cheeks around seven hundred thousand dollars and compensatory damages. What they said that neither Conseco had acted in self defense.

It doesn't matter that they're defending their date nor his date. The women's the women are worthless in this world. Do you know that? We mean nothing? Yeah, they it doesn't matter if they're defending them, apparently because they weren't in physical danger. So you have to like, you know, put hands on a man before you explain, right, and so, um they said it wasn't self defense. Presley gets awarded more than two hundred thousand dollars for the injuries caused

by Jose Consaco Cheeks. Sweet Cheeks was awarded half a million for his injuries caused by Azzie and ten percent caused by Jose. He got slapped repeatedly. I guess, I don't know. Um. The jury also ordered the brothers to pay three thousand dollars in punitive damages. So it's like a it's like a million dollars. So they got nothing after legal feast basically basically five year exactly. That's the

lawyers got hooked up, right, they're a good job. So after the verdict, Jose challenged Cheeks and Presley to a lie detector test fifth, he tells the press, quote, this is nothing but extortion. It's sad that it's come down to this. This is unbelievable, complete scam. So, um, how did jose do in those anger management classes a k A AP anger management? I have a feeling that's probably not his last anger management class? First or first? Um?

What do you think he selected as his community service? Uh? Taking batting practice at a local community college. So how did he do with the anger management? He didn't. He just didn't go. And what did he pick for community service? Nothing? He's like, I am not here to remember when I was in my mirror, existence is a service to this community? Yeah? When I was in a I went just didn't do anything. No, nothing is that is that can that happening doesn't work

for me? That's the thing is like, apparently years ago I heard this thing where from Oprah. I wasn't talking to her personally, Oper and I on the phone. I was like, Ops, tell me I heard her say something about how when people ask you something to do something you don't want to do, you say, you know what, that doesn't work for me? And I just if you're in a job and you say that to your boss as I did, like about a week after hearing that

it doesn't work. It totally when they say you've got this project, Yeah, that doesn't work for me, Like it's going to have to work or you're not going to work here. But Jose he had been listening to the same openings, like, guess what, that doesn't work for me. February of two thousand three, Jose gets jailed for violating his probation after he failed to take anger management, began community service, and he also in that time left the

state without permission. I'm assuming multiple times. Yeah, he spent a month in jail. So Ozzie, his father, Jose Conseco senior because Jose is a junior. And then they and a priest walk into a book. Those three they go to the They go with Jose to the hearing, so

he brings his brother, his father, and a priest. The judge changes Jose sentenced to two years of house arrest followed by three years of probation, and that Jose would need to check in weekly with a probation officer and have to ask permission to leave his house or to travel. And they said, if you mess this up, you're going to go to prison for fifteen years. Get the out. Are you for real and totally for real on this? That's exactly that was the quote from the priest. Get that.

But like, here's the thing Jose always thinking when he was on house arrest. Um, he tried his hand at an online business. He for you could buy an afternoon with him, and you could buy it on his website. Just like to go hang out with him? Can I say you want it? Said quote? Spend the afternoon afternoon with Jose at his house in South Florida. Ideas for activities private power hitting instruction, private martial arts instruction, work out with Jose, and cook out by the pool. Like

I would have one of paid. I didn't know about this. I would have paid, wouldn't have any money left day. It's not clear how many, if any afternoons he sold, but you know he went out there with it. May two thousand three, also still on probation, Ozzy gets arrested in Punta Gorda, Florida, and he's charged with possessing an illegal anabolic steroid, driving with a revoked license, and possession of drug paraphernalia. So he gets stopped by a sheriff's

deputy because his windows were two tinted Classic class. That's happened to me. He was released after posting dollars bond and then was sentenced to four months in jail for part for all of the above the steroids. June two thousand three, Jose gets arrested again and was jailed for nine weeks for violating probation after testing positive for steroids. So Azzi probably just driving the steroids over because Jose

can't leave the house. Someone someone's got to do some Azzi goes under the bus over and who if not? He ain't heavy, He's my brother. Um. He did. Eventually, Jose eventually completed anger management and he did a hundred and twenty hours out of two hundred and fifty community service with the Boys Club of Miami. Probably hidden balls, um, but Jose didn't drop off the map. When we come back from this ad break, I'm gonna tell you about

some other Canseco scraps. Okay, guys, guys, guys. When we left off, Jose can say going his twin brother Ozzie, they got into a fight at a cheesy Miami nightclub, well dressed like sexy vampires. From the International Male Catalog. And do you think that they were wearing like pelazzo pants pants? Think the pants guys probably like crushed velvet like Lost Boys, definitely loose. Yeah, you don't think they were wearing like, yeah, they probably weren't like a tight

tight crushed velvet. I think Jose's in crushed velvet leggings and azzies and wide like pelazzo pants. We're going to cover this. You know, He's got like Steve Harvey's suit on it can rejected Steve Harve pants. Part like Jose said, all right, you wear these. I'm going to wear the sex sexy one. Yeah, you wear that. Yeah, and Azzi's like, okay, you can't hide. So um they whooped the stuff and out of those two bros, Presley and Cheeks, Um, they

got arrested, pleaded guilty. They sued, had a million dollar judgment against him. Jose did not let that stop him. You guys, he loves the spotlight. What can I say? He loves entertaining and that's beyond sports. So when he was playing professionally, he was a guest on The Simpsons and on Nash Bridges. Have I ever told you my Nash Bridges story. You have a Nash Bridges story do.

They used to film in San Francisco, right, And when I was working in San Francisco as a young gal um, I would see them filming all the time, all the time. They were always all over the place downtown, and so I would meet up with a friend of mine on a regular basis after work, and like sometimes we'd go and get drinks or get dinner, and we'd walk by them all the time. And I got into this habit of every time I saw them filming, I would walk up to the perimeter and when I'd see Don Johnson,

ideal Dad, Dad, it's me Dad. And I did it so often that they started to recognize me, and it cracked Cheach up. But it did not make Don Johnson laughing too close to the bone. Yeah, And I had to, like, I was worried that I was going to start getting like, I don't know, arrested or something. So you stopped for a while. But you know, just like all crazy haired gal Dad, that's a good running bit. Yeah it is,

you know, I love a running bit. Um. Back to Jose, so he and I were both involved with Nash Bridges in one way, or another. But after he retired from baseball, m Jose did amazing things. Can I read you a list? Please? I thought I was gonna have to ask. He did a bunch of reality TV shows. He was on The Surreal Life and he was also on Celebrity Apprentice. Yeah, apparently he had to bail out on it because his

dad got sick. I thought it was because he hated Trump, but that could be too But he left the show and then his dad passed away not long after that. So yeah. Um. He played himself in the seventeen film Slam a Jamma. I missed that one. It's a it's a drama about basketball. I'm not kidding. It's a drama. Slam a Jamma. It was an oscar play. They really they released in October. They thought they had high hopes. They were shooting the moon on that one stars Barbara

Streian Barbara in Slam a Jamma. Um, he either challenged or has been challenged to fight um A sportscaster Danny Bonda Ducci act they did fight, um, some dude from Barstool Sports whatever. And then this delusional quote unquote celebrity boxer named Todd Poulton. How can you be a celebrity boxer if no one's ever heard of you? Good question. That's why I put delusional in there as a qualifier. Celebrity chef. That was my that was my adjective modifier.

Split in their delusional. Yeah. Um. He opened jose Can Saco's Showtime car Wash in Las Vegas, where he would go and sign autographs occasionally. Always wanted to go there. You could just drive to Vegas to get your car. No, I've been to you know, okay, like this is We're gonna go visit the car wash and we just never followed through. As he signed the car, he washes and details your car personally. He gets all juiced up and does it like crazy style. Um. No, he would show

up and like yes, sign autographs for people and chum around. Um. The place has a two star yell brading. It's there, amazing, a lot of complaints. It's a I think it's cheeks. It's the only reviews um. He was a columnist for Vice magazine for a while. Has a hilarious Twitter account. He has a Twitter personality. Yes yes, and then he also he wrote the foreword to a novel written by Dan Reichert and the novel is called Air Force Gator

to Scales of Justice. Okay, so there's this novel, but this is right on some scraps of paper, right, this was published and the book is called Air Force Gator to Scales of Justice. This is a sequel to Steven Seagal Territory. Oh yeah, we're definitely dipping. How do you know Airports Gator means? I'm going to tell you because Jose wrote the foreword, I'm going to read you a synopsis of the book. Quote. In this sequel to the revolutionary Air Force Gator, eight years have passed since the

Crocodile Rock incident that almost irrevocably damaged the United States. Stop. I have to get through this. Since saving the country on that day, Air Force Gators legendary status has grown to unseen heights. His strength is magnified after being exposed to the chemical Gatoray. He's dating a super hot stripper.

Once a desperate and alcoholic hormonger, the Alligator Pilot has finally found peace when President Obama organizes a rally on the National Mall to honor the inaugural Air Force Gator Day. The heroic reptile plans on announcing his retire Gator What he's a gator, He's an alligatory were wide heroic reptile. Wait, I totally love just too much going on right now. When President Obama organizes a rally on the National Mall to honor the inaugural Air Force Gator Day, the heroic

reptile plans on announcing his retirement from military duty. His dreams of a quiet retirement come crashing down around him when a fringe group of radical reptiles led by an evil pig farmer, interrupts the festivities and carries out a massive terrorist attack. Devastated by the increasingly personal attacks of the Sons of Gustav, it's time for Gator to lace up his boots again and bring the pain down on

nar Um. That sounds like a like a ten year old got into the pixie stick totally started going crazy, you know, like it's like, yeah, like that's really wold. Well. Jose said that he felt that the Alligator Fighter Pilot was basically a metaphor for him and his life. I'm not kidding. I think I think he really think it's probably the most I mean, he would know he's Jose, So I gat fighter pilot whose Yeah, it's right there. I now know what I'm getting everyone in my life

for Christmas. This book. Yeah, Air Force Gator too. You know, they don't really do a lot of research about what steroids due to your brain. It's all about the muscle. You don't really the package. Yeah, yeah, you're right, it's right. You don't know what's going on in nthead. Now, there is one other story about Jose and punching and fighting that I think is a good way to close this

out today. So in two thousand eleven, Jose agreed to fight boxing trainer slash former college boxer Billy Patton in a celebrity boxing match on the Boxing Light on the Celebrity at a casino in Hollywood, Florida, Heavy on the Florida Light on the Hollywood. Jose Is paid ten dollars for the event half before half day. Yeah, you got to show up. And then they said they'd give him fifteen dollars and travel expenses. So if he takes a greyhound,

he's really like, let's just cream on top of that. Dudes. Let's picture it one more time. Close your ats. It's Saturday, March two eleven, Conseco makes his way through the Seminal Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. It's about thirty minutes to fight time. Four hundred fans have crowded into the place to see Jose Canseco fights on guy four hundred whole people. He starts to get ready. He asks for that five thousand dollar payment. He says, you know what, just make

the checkout to cash. I'm not making Can you do that if you're Jose Uh. He laces up his Janet checks and Pleasure Principal video shoes, changes into some shiny shorts. He whips off his shirt, and he's getting ready to be all oiled up when the promoters notice something. A representative from Celebrity Boxing walks up to Conseco and stares

at his good by sep eyeball in it now. He then looks at Conseco's face, looks back at the bicep, and he looks over at a flyer for the event that featured a photo of greased up Jose Canseco ready to duke get out seem like enough In the photo, Jose Conseco has bicep tattoos. Now I've looked at pictures and I cannot, for the life of me make out what the tattoos are. They're like, they're sort of vaguely tribal,

like like a barbed wire. Anderson, Yes, they're bands. Um, they're like, but they kind of look like maybe banners or swords. One kind of looks like they're not matching. One looks like maybe there's a root involved, like going into his skin, kind of collusion a plant or a dragon. I don't know, alligator, it's like a sword alligator eating a sword. Um, but their bicep bands. So the promoter looks at the skin in front of him, inc free, I know what he's got the wrong yep. Jose sent

Azzie for me exactly. The four people who paid to see the fight were sent home. We can't go through azz Azzie's like, oh I forgot Azzie wouldn't give the check back, give us a check He's like, no, So celebrity boxing CEO Damon Feldman. He went to the press, but Jose accused Feldman of trying to trick the public. Jose said he'd thrown his back out earlier and that Feldman had approved the switch. Oh I like it. Mighty of the waters. But how could Azzie fight because his

nails are too long? Right, that's the question. So Jose then tells the New York Post who reached him using eight dollar ninety nine phone number he'd posted on Twitter. Phone Uh, he said, He tells the Post. To make a long story short, Damon tried at the last second, tried to announce my brother Ozzie was Jose Canseco. The last thing my brother wanted was to commit fraud. Damon tried to pull a fast one. I just like the

fact that he has a number and it works. You get him, like he picks up a Berners, like, what do you want? Um? Feldman won the default judgment when Jose failed to show up in court. Man, you know, so he was awarded around seventy number are really falling, right, But he told reporters he expected he'd never be able to collect the money from Jose. Jose does what he wants. It's not that Yeah, did Azzie ever get to cash

that check? Well, it was made out to cash. I'm saying Azzi went and now he's on other errands for Jose's picking. That's the tale of Jose and Ozzie Conseco. For you. I love them. I do too. They're like they're like lovable, you know, soft headed demigods like lovable galute. You know, it's like he means well, he means well well cut. Yeah sure, so ridiculous takeaway here, man um, Like when you so this is your childhood hero aside

from Slash, this is your childhood hero. My takeaway would be that Jose really should appreciate his brother because he's been there and he's done all the dirty work for him, and that means something we need to celebrate Azzie. Yeah, how could we do that with an azzi renaissance and elevate Azzi? That's what we need to do. What about you? Ar uh? My ridiculous takeaway is very simple. It's mostly an aesthetic fashion choice, which is, don't wear a fur

bikini to a Miami nightclub. And if you're going to fight flatten the nails against the palm and then switch, you're going to lose the nails and all that hard work is put to not I think though, if you're banning for bikini's from Miami nightclubs, you're taking out a significant portion of the attendees. Some of these places never wear that for ever. My takeaway is that you've got to love a character, you know. I think certain certain talents and abilities obviously allow people more room to be

total characters. But I think the best takeaway is at Assie's the champ here. Yeah, he's always down for whatever, always has his brother's back. That's to be applauded. He's a loyal he is, He's a real a. That's us for today, Travis, Thank you so much for coming. Thanks for having me Guy Culous Crime HQ. You can find us online at Ridiculous Crime on both Twitter and Instagram.

If you have a tip for us about a ridiculous crime that you'd like to hear, or if you want to confess to a ridiculous crime, or if you're Aussie can saco please call us. Please call my dollar ninety nine number or email at ridiculous Crime at gmail dot com. Uh, thank you, it's been a pleasure everybody, and tune in next time. Oh before we go, Elizabeth and I wanted to send us special shout out to one of our listeners. Avery.

You wrote in to let us know that you've been up there at summer camp taking care of the kids, volunteering and the nurse you with the babies and listening to Ridiculous Crime. Well, thank you for that, but we also saw that you recently contracted COVID and are now having to quarantine by yourself. We both feel terrible about that, and we just wanted to send you a very special shout out and hope that you feel better very soon, have a ridiculously good weekend, and uh we'll be thinking

of you. Ridiculou. This Crime is hosted by Elizabeth Dutton and Zarin Burnett, with special guest star Travis Dutton. Produced and edited by Asterix Free Hall of Famer Dave Kosten. Researches by Marissa Basses Loaded Brown. The theme song is by Thomas just a Bit Outside Lee and Travis ice Cream Cookie Sandwich. Get your ice cream cookie Sandwich here. Dutton. Executive producers are Honorary Atlanta Braves Ballboys, Ben Bolan and Noel Brown. Ridiculous Crime is a production of iHeart Radio.

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