Yes, we will kill mom. In this uniquely arranged hell we’re acquiring more depression in Trabia, betting on the MogMogMoogle Team, building a god-blessed glove, preparing a cursed motivational speech, cruising past a deer, taking our buddy’s ring, fighting to prove we belong, launching motorbikes, holding onto a cliffside for two hours, ignoring the previous problem, manipulating the boy of destiny, and reclaiming authority with a good-actually speech. I just need about four more inches. 02:05 I...
Feb 21, 2022•1 hr 5 min•Season 3Ep. 31
A ball rolls onto the court. Today, on the baller’s field, we’re determining why the sorceress is the sorceress, enshrining Selphie in the party, questioning the use of violence, showing growth through command, shooting a free throw, gaslighting the whole party, becoming children, camping at the beach, hogging sis, misdirecting affection, forcing love, losing memories, forgetting pain, reframing the assassination attempt, being visited by the faeries, and telling Rinoa to come with us. The cowbo...
Feb 14, 2022•59 min•Season 3Ep. 30
I don’t think I have time for this. For this reverse paradox we’re identifying sucking pouch technology, wearing SeeD clothes, learning arcane animal capture rules from Chocoboy, blowing a ChocoWhis, scattering chicobos, losing cards, defining the concept of Home, meeting Selphie’s Friend, developing whatever, reading about Ehrgeiz, drawing zombie from a graveyard, fixing a computer terminal, installing stuffed animal surveillance, and telling our deceased friends about a dream that came true. S...
Feb 07, 2022•1 hr 1 min•Season 3Ep. 29
You were just as attractive when you used to beat me up. On this instant anti-classic we’re witnessing a cow abduction, mistaking chicabos for ghosts, speaking with a cat, locating table flowers, getting trucked by a chocobo, judging drop-outs, repairing dangerous roads, exchanging a vase for a rock, re-losing Georgie, saving a child from a train, lying to gain entry, manipulating dialogue boxes, stealing cards from children, dunking on Zell in his room, drawing Pandemona, and beating up or riva...
Jan 31, 2022•1 hr 8 min•Season 3Ep. 28
Specialist is surprised they let you in. Tonight we’re going to an isolationist village, paying five G’s for Ultima, going 323 meters underground just for fun, listening to diegetic Julia, reading at a bad time, finding a god damn Laguna statue, falling off another cliff, becoming what’s in our hearts, working to earn anything, showing off my big open hand, punching an ass, and convincing Shumis to perform their talents. If you have come here, you must know Master Laguna. 02:07 Intro | 04:49 Win...
Jan 24, 2022•57 min•Season 3Ep. 27
Let’s play for fun, from now on. This time we’re becoming Commander, taking down Card Club cardsters, meeting the true CC King, piloting army school across the world map, surviving twenty minutes, observing an octahedral frame, appreciating lost art, drawing pain, placing eyes in concrete, putting numbers in magic fire, challenging a norse god, and slaughtering slow knife boys in order to summon their king. Those who defeat me will be granted august powers. 01:39 Intro | 02:36 Classroom Check-In...
Jan 17, 2022•51 min•Season 3Ep. 26
We must heal the trauma of war with music. On this one fourth of one hundred episode we’re planning a show, arranging a score, selecting instruments, becoming the cowboy, watching Squall sleep, wearing our Sunday best, trapping our dick, absolutely fucking up the composition, sitting near porn, taking a swing at a date, saying anything to leave, confessing insecurities, crying in the rain, losing cards to a scrub, and wondering about NORG. Find your own Wimbly Donner. 01:33 Intro | 04:13 Concert...
Jan 10, 2022•1 hr 1 min•Season 3Ep. 25
If you can drink every day, you must be in good health. This time we’re visiting a sullen expatriate, apologizing to a pissy mayor, accepting we’re beacons of violence, deducing cigarette etymology, watching diplomacy fail, calling for the Iron Clad, reuniting with our friends, feeling a feeling, stating the need for battles, resorting to both sides-ism, learning from a hologram, stopping Grease Monkey’s harasser, planning a show, and naming a new leader of Garden. It is your destiny to lead the...
Jan 03, 2022•1 hr 1 min•Season 3Ep. 24
Hi, I’m done crying. Today we’re learning about a sea monster, listening to Selphie’s thoughts, hearing the reality of Garden’s origin, exploring the paradox of Edea’s SeeDs, using Ellone to bridge time, toiling in bed, ramming our military academy into a hippie commune, meeting a master fisherman, lying to tourists, playing Triple Triad for keeps, driving an old man crazy with our fishing skills, and observing a Moomba doll. I’m done making my own booze. 01:34 Intro | 03:02 Leviathan | 07:20 Se...
Dec 27, 2021•1 hr 7 min•Season 3Ep. 23
I sent my students to kill my wife. And yet, we’re eliminating symbiotic organisms, transforming our school into our car, admiring the balcony vista, setting out to open sea, thinking too much, half-assing a tour of our school, experiencing retrograde amnesia, making a boyfriend promise, losing our temper, delivering our report to NORG, revealing a surprise marital connection, and murdering a capitalist overlord. It’d be heartbreaking to know I was forgotten. 01:12 Intro | 04:03 Mobile Structure...
Dec 20, 2021•59 min•Season 3Ep. 22
What’s on your mind, old man? Maybe it’s loafing amid a crisis, fighting faculty members, doubting the dawn of time, refusing to swear an allegiance, having a meltdown, suffering hot dog denial, falling for a hologram, taking a knee, arguing missile survival tactics, exploring a dank oil stratum, refusing to trust friends with basic tasks, and beating up Oilboyles. This was just dad’s basement workshop. 01:38 Intro | 05:00 Return to Balamb | 07:44 Garden Under Siege | 16:00 Infirmary | 20:43 Qua...
Dec 13, 2021•1 hr 3 min•Season 3Ep. 21
I don’t want to die, there’s so much in life I want to enjoy. On this episode we’re ramming a car into a mountain, leisurely ignoring imminent missile attacks, shaking down Caraway, bullshitting our way into a base, tricking idiot soldiers, killing those same soldiers off screen, mashing buttons to push things, hacking a computer, setting a self destruct timer, referencing the Hi Ho Tank, blowing up a tank, and spiraling into a hopeless depression. Did you put me on this team because you hated m...
Dec 06, 2021•55 min•Season 3Ep. 20
It’s time to play the action movie. This time we’re following monsters to find Squall, fighting other monsters in jail, suffering exploration monotony, beating a man for his Battle Meter upgrade, improving Squall’s humanity, concocting a ridiculous escape plan, heroically saving Zell, falling down stairs, splitting up to escape, realizing we’re in a desert prison, not falling to our death, and splitting up to outrun missiles. Irvine’s sin is unforgivable. 00:31 Chris Talks About Gundam ZZ | 03:5...
Nov 29, 2021•55 min•Season 3Ep. 19
The dream is dead. On this episode we’re waking up in jail, suffering from dipshit separation syndrome, remaining oblivious to Ward warping, moving cells, kicking Zell, surrendering to a Mean Cop, meeting small monsters, stating an obvious definition, receiving electrocution, using magic in jail, readying missiles for launch, submitting to globalist SeeD paranoia, tricking prison guards, growing to super size, and beating up our beautiful boys. I must live. 03:18 Intro | 05:31 Jailed | 13:30 Sol...
Nov 22, 2021•55 min•Season 3Ep. 18
Squall is dead. So we’re Laguna. Today we’re talking disc swap technology, taking refuge in a cozy cabin, lying to Ellone about mortal danger, finding solace as a Weird Uncle, boggling the brains of Kiros and Raine, learning Julia’s fate, identifying faeries, showing Kiros around town, finding a curious map, watching life pass by, and finding family in a small town. They hate me, but I still have to shop. 01:26 Intro | 04:41 Good Morning, Laguna | 11:21 Winhill Courtyard | 14:50 Winhill Pub Chat...
Nov 15, 2021•53 min•Season 3Ep. 17
Now that we’re through Disc One and Squall is dead, we’re going to try a little something different by bringing on some persons of lordly caliber to do some high-level recapping and high level bullshitting: Curtis and Karl from the Every F'n FF podcast, purveyors of everything Final Fantasy and staunch defenders of Final Fantasy VIII. Discussed: the Final Fantasy with Blackwater; Squall is an asshole, but that's okay; Rinoa is good; more Laguna should exist; exploitation of FFVIII's mechanics, F...
Nov 08, 2021•1 hr 1 min•Season 3Ep. 16
This game is full of idiots and they’re all on our team. Tonight we’re dividing into two teams, referring to our father as That Man, brandishing the Odine Bangle, screaming down Rinoa, evading lockdown, solo confronting Edea, bearing witness to a fascist oration, solving a Resident Evil puzzle, watching a parade, walking on a dead guy’s face, saving the princess, enduring loneliness and isolation, freaking out, choking, taking the shot, and closing out disc one with boss battles. This is reality...
Nov 01, 2021•1 hr 17 min•Season 3Ep. 15
Galbadia is a nation of fools. While there, we’re angrily boarding a train, being a major creep, inducing sniper drama, accepting a test of courage, meandering about Deling City, avoiding public transit, navigating a tomb maze, beating up Brothers, meeting an incidental ghost buddy, reporting student 190, waiting in the cricket night, switching fascist regalia, observing vertical time, and discussing a political assassination scheme in public. Oh, by the way, this is my house. 01:23 Intro | 02:3...
Oct 25, 2021•1 hr 4 min•Season 3Ep. 14
Avoid the trauma of past tense. Today we’re absorbing the grandeur of Galbadia Garden, showcasing ostentatious wealth, doing pervert pushups, learning of a surprise execution, psychologically terrorizing Rinoa, searching for an unforgivable villain, fearing grammatical solutions, performing a villain swipe, pouting like a child, collecting a cowboy sniper, and anticipating monster hockey. It seems to me like there’s a whole bunch of losers here. 02:00 Intro | 03:40 Galbadia Garden Overview | 17:...
Oct 18, 2021•1 hr 1 min•Season 3Ep. 13
Evaporating into bats is a great touch for any guy. This time we’re idly panicking in the woods, passing out into the dreamworld, awkwardly fumbling metaphors, slaughtering Esthar soldiers, cramping up, observing the crystal blue, losing an old key, setting a dumbass trap, pushing boulders, detonating bombs, stating our limits, throwing my buddies off a cliff, and killing monsters. Nothing cheaper than something free 01:27 Intro | 04:05 Galbadian Forest | 11:16 Excavation Site | 30:39 Crystal Ca...
Oct 11, 2021•58 min•Season 3Ep. 12
As long as you don’t get your hopes up, you can take anything. Today we’re staying irrationally focused on Seifer, laughing inappropriately, telling the cops I got kids, improvising a new plan, finding friends in disguise, diffusing tension on a train, shifting light on the world map, abolishing the random rule, observing a sex car, owing a guy money, painting a bone on a painting, playing cards in a private room, reading about Laguna, and watching hapless robots end their life. My mother took d...
Oct 04, 2021•1 hr 9 min•Season 3Ep. 11
We’re not the fools, you are. This time we’re buying pet supplies, killing soldiers in public streets, realizing everybody in Timber is in on it, trading human lives for AP, retrieving pornography, reading the battle series, listening to adults ramble, getting scammed by children, dumping my sister fifteen times, assisting an unhoused man, watching state TV outside, engaging in interpersonal work conflict, taking the president hostage, and becoming infantalized by a sorceress. I think I smell bl...
Sep 27, 2021•1 hr 13 min•Season 3Ep. 10
This is a super interesting time in dialogue box history. Today we’re squatting it out, calling a president president, playing with toy trains, indulging a ludicrous plan, speaking with a dummy, leaping over train cars, inputting codes, performing enhanced interrogation techniques, reading Anarchist Monthly, melting into a zombie, wondering what just happened, reciting contract terms, and resolving to intercept a broadcast. Boo hoo too bad, I’m not the president. 02:01 Intro | 03:26 Strategy Mee...
Sep 20, 2021•54 min•Season 3Ep. 9
I dreamt I was a moron. After waking up, we’re drinking in a hotel bar, approaching a pianist, cramping up like a fucking loser, hearing about it from the boys, living a dream in a nightmare, suffering anxiety-based paralysis, blabbering to my crush, waking up on a train, getting hit by another train, entering the Zone zone, experiencing diarrhea, and meeting a lady and her dog. There’s no way we can understand this, let’s just report to our mission. 01:37 Intro | 03:11 Julia | 14:25 She’s Talki...
Sep 13, 2021•58 min•Season 3Ep. 8
Blow it out your ass. Before that we’re suffering through a zealous Zell, receiving our first SeeD mission, reading a weapons book, meeting Mr. Paper Test Boy, riding a hoverboard, exploring Diablos’ core, meeting the Big Bad Rascal, losing a card on purpose, riding in a private train car, remotely viewing the past, becoming The Man With The Machine Gun, abandoning the mission, and going back home to see a pianist. We’ll get smashed and then we’ll charge. 01:26 Intro | 03:07 Dorm Walk | 08:17 Le...
Sep 06, 2021•57 min•Season 3Ep. 7
SeeD is not a non-profit organization. This time we’re appreciating the world map map, realizing the invasion was all for cash flow, shaming Seifer, interrupting Cid’s exposition, receiving our SeeD rank, hearing GF rumors, wearing dumb formal clothing, being a dick at a party, dancing as a means of subterfuge, witnessing Quistis’ complete meltdown, meeting my teacher at the make out zone, getting fired, and rescuing a distressed damsel. We’re the worst looking guys here. 01:57 Intro | 03:17 Exa...
Aug 30, 2021•1 hr 6 min•Season 3Ep. 6
I’m gonna tell you ‘bout my Romantic Dream. It involves reassigning Squall’s inspiration, falling down a hill, assuming chicken-wuss, meeting Biggs and Wedge, discussing Guardian Force ethics, slaying Elvoret, uncovering GF compatibility, both killing and evading the X-ATM092, learning to run, dropping out of focus, humiliating Zell’s mom, and wondering why Balamb exists. God took all the good magic. 01:21 Intro | 03:00 Selphie | 08:57 Communication Tower | 29:38 X-ATM092 Chase | 36:21 Balamb Do...
Aug 23, 2021•1 hr 3 min•Season 3Ep. 5
I love battles. I fear nothing. On this god forsaken installment we’re playing cards with groupies, assembling protagonists, channeling shōnen energy, swallowing Cid’s propaganda, developing a gunblade fetish, stating chicken wuss etymology, being antisocial for test scores, storming a beach, incapacitating soldiers, idling around a fountain, and delivering the best line of the game. Ok then, good luck. 01:23 Intro | 03:14 Balamb Debrief | 04:17 Triple Triad | 08:45 Squad Assignments | 21:41 Gar...
Aug 16, 2021•1 hr 3 min•Season 3Ep. 4
DRINK? This time we’re revisiting Dr. Kadowaki, avoiding Selphie, constructing artifice, no-selling the disciplinary committee, chatting up a lunch lady, living alone in a multi-student dorm, questioning the necessity of T-Rexaurs in captivity, reading an Occult Magazine, junctioning magic, observing the world map, and taking down Ifrit. You could win a free Toyota Echo (not really). 01:37 Intro | 04:16 Infirmary | 06:27 Quad | 11:17 Cafeteria | 20:57 Dorm | 24:13 Parking Lot | 25:57 Training Ce...
Aug 09, 2021•1 hr 1 min•Season 3Ep. 3
Let us pursue another dumb idea that turned into a good idea. As we've casually mentioned for the past few months, we've been working on a new (occasional) show, GOD BLESS THE RING , an exploration of the history, lore, and gameplay of classic beat 'em ups and fighting games. We brought in a third host (thanks, Mark) and try to put a twist on our format. Fighting games and beat 'em ups aren't really ripe for a deep, critical analysis in the traditional sense, but Eric applied weird, creative fic...
Aug 06, 2021•2 hr 32 min•Ep. 1
