Friends. Isn't it fascinating how relationships bring us immense joy but also profound heartache? There are dance of emotions yet how often do we truly, deeply, consciously invest in the relationship we have with ourselves and loved ones? That investment, that time and that energy is the most powerful gift you could ever bestow upon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us a manual on handling emotions and communication challenges, we also weren't taught the art of building romantic ties or how to deeply love and value ourselves. But I'm here to share more life affirming, relationship enhancing wisdom with you all. And now you can also find this transform content pouring onto Facebook, YouTube and Instagram. Dive into the show Notes to connect with all the magic. Here's for growth, love and endless learning.
Hi, this is Nicola Beer and today we're going to delve into the complex world of hidden childhood trauma. I'm going to be offering crucial insights for parents and guardians. This resource is tailored for those who may not recognize signs of trauma from their own childhoods, yet are determined to safeguard their children against similar challenges.
We'll explore how unrecognized trauma can manifest and impact children's lives, providing you with the tools to identify subtle signs of distress and create a nurturing, safe environment for your children. Whether you're just beginning to learn about childhood trauma or seeking to deepen your understanding, this episode will equip you with valuable strategies to promote resilience and emotional well being in the next generation.
It is also suitable for those who don't have children who want to explore whether their current daily struggles might be rooted in unrecognised childhood experiences or trauma, as well as for those who are considering having children Wishing to better understand how early emotional experiences can shape lifelong patterns and self perception, in this three part series we'll delve into how low self esteem and the persistent sense of not being good enough often have roots in childhood trauma.
Extending beyond obvious adverse events to include the more subtle yet equally impactful deficits in emotional nurturing, Dr. Gabor Mate, a renowned expert in addiction and trauma, offers a profound insight. Trauma is not only about the events that happened to us, but also about the essential experiences that did not occur, things that should have happened, that didn't, and I'll go into what those things are. This can also create trauma.
He emphasizes that merely avoiding threats isn't sufficient for emotional health. Children need consistent experiences of security, love and safety. Absence of these elements can lead to a deep seated sense of inadequacy manifesting as a chronic feeling of not being good enough. This series aims to shift the focus from mere events to the foundational experiences that shape self perception and interactions throughout life.
I think it's so important to talk about this topic because the issue is that we don't often talk about trauma. We just keep living through it and being it. By discussing these issues openly, I'm going to help you move beyond merely enduring the impact of trauma to understanding and overcoming it, thereby regaining your energy, confidence, focus and inner peace. Not feeling good enough encompasses doubts about being interesting, smart, successful, attractive, confident, or strong enough.
Throughout my extensive experience working with thousands, I've observed that these feelings are invariably linked to relational trauma, trauma that originates from interactions with those we are connected to. This series not only sheds light on these, but also provides strategies to confront and heal from these deeply ingrained emotional scars. So how does trauma Difficult times in childhood Low self esteem manifest in daily life?
Well, the experience of not feeling good enough infiltrates nearly every aspect of daily life, shaping how individuals think, treat themselves, communicate about themselves and the pressures they impose upon themselves. Here's what to look out for if you or a loved one are suffering from this Self perception. Individuals who don't feel good enough often have a distorted view of themselves. They that focuses predominantly on their perceived flaws or shortcomings.
They may disregard their achievements, qualities or strengths as inconsequential, or attribute them to external factors rather than their own efforts or abilities. Self Treatment this can manifest in neglecting one's needs, whether failing to attend basic care, pushing oneself to exhaustion. I know a lot about that. Or engaging in harmful behaviors as a form of self punishment. I know a lot about that too.
Played out for me in my eating disorder when I was younger was punishing myself if I was having a good day, if things were going well I could eat and when things weren't going well, I couldn't eat and I didn't want to eat. It's like a punishment. I also found that with shopping, I'm one of those people that if I'm sad or upset or don't feel good, I can't shop. Only when I'm in a good mood do I like to go clothes shopping. I like the clothes. If not, it's a disaster for me.
And again, it's that punishment. So it's how you treat yourself. It's where you lack self compassion, where mistakes or failures are not met with an understanding or kindness, but with harsh self criticism. Then there's self talk, the internal dialogue of someone who feels that they're not Good enough is often filled with self criticism, negative self judgments. The internal voice may be constantly belittling them, their efforts, dismissing their achievements.
Predicting failure regardless of the situation. For phrases like I can't do anything right, I'm such a failure, I'm a loser, why bother trying? Can be quite common. That internal voice can also beat you up after you've done something. Let's say you went out to a social event. The next day, people that I work with, they say that they're replaying everything, telling themselves, I shouldn't have said this, or this person thinks that of me and that voice is really criticizing.
Then there's pressure that we impose on ourselves. That is a sign of not feeling good enough. Individuals may set unrealistic high standards for themselves, standards that are impossible to meet, especially for the long term. These standards are inevitably not met, and it reinforces the belief of not being good enough. This cycle of setting really high expectations, failing to meet them, and then feeling inadequate can result in absolute exhaustion. It is relentless.
And some of those things could be unrealistic. High standards of hitting goals and achievements at work, sports, exercise, food, you know, restrictions that people can put on themselves and then fail and then reinforce, see, I'm bad, I'm not good. Then there's personal development. So doubt in one's abilities, doubt in oneself that you can't learn things, you can't grow, that you can't do it, it's just no. And you block yourself. And this can lead to stagnation.
Individuals may avoid new experiences, learning opportunities, or any situation where they may feel that they could fail, thus reinforcing the cycle of not feeling good enough. And I'll give you some examples. So at work, a person might work late hours regularly, going above and beyond every task due to a fear that their work standard isn't good enough, or due to people pleasing tendencies and the needing to be like they pick up other people's responsibilities and extra admin.
The fear of not being good enough in the workplace may also result in not volunteering for new projects or promotions, fearing that they're not capable enough in relationships, that not feeling good enough may consistently be a person who seeks reassurance from their friends, from their romantic partners, unable to believe that they're loved or value for who they are, needing that reassurance because they just don't think that they're good enough.
People share with me that they don't believe that their partner's compliments are genuine. They don't believe that when they say, oh, you're beautiful or you're, you're great, whatever, they just, they can't accept it. And they often, if you have low self esteem and this sense of not being good enough can lead some people to not ask for help. They end up being overly self reliant and their partners are often confused as to what they really want.
The very independent and not feeling good enough of course can lead to a person to avoid close relationships altogether. Fearing being abandoned, eventually rejected or disappointed, wanting to protect themselves from going through that, they develop that inability to trust people. Leading to distant romantic relationships, distant friendships, cutting people out of their life quickly as a way again to protect themselves in social situations.
Not feeling good enough can lead you to avoid social situations. Fear of fitting in, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of being judged negatively. Or you can go and still have all of those fears so it's uncomfortable, it's not enjoyable. And then when they do attend, they may over analyze every interaction the next day. Convinced, okay, I made a poor impression. And it could also include sometimes believing that people don't like you, people find you boring.
And these are just stories that people make up in their head. They've got no clue. And the only way to know what someone thinks of course is to ask that person. But these stories, these negative stories and narratives can come up and this can also affect self improvement. Sometimes people that don't feel good enough, even when they're trying to better themselves, they're just focusing on their perceived areas of deficiency.
They're pursuing rentless self improvement because they fear that they're flawed. Sometimes people describe themselves to me as a mess, that they're broken, that they're lost, that they're a loser, that there's something wrong with them for being how they are or feeling how they are. And I spot this straight away because I used to do it myself.
So I can see when people come to me, if they're looking to do the counseling or the coaching work, the improvement work with a sense of I have to do this because I'm a failure, I have to do this because I'm not good enough and they're going to punish themselves into it. And I make sure that we approach self improvement growth with compassion, with love, with understanding.
Because whatever behaviors that we're doing, it's a coping mechanism and we need to look at why do we need to cope, what are we needing to cope from or what are we escaping? So I just want to talk now about the symptoms and impacts. So there are significant symptoms of not feeling good enough that we can identify. And these have profound impacts on an individual's quality of life. So of course there's the low self esteem and unworthiness. This is the foundation for numerous other issues.
Once you have this, this can lead to cheating. For example, I was working with someone yesterday who had been cheating for a year, lots of different women, and really, really struggled to understand why he was doing it and why he had done it so frequently in that time. And when we drilled down, it was a childhood where he didn't get any love and attention. There was no physical affection. His mother died when he was 13.
His dad was a man that was like, just get on with it, be strong, don't talk about feelings. And he got bullied throughout his life, bullied at school, bullied in the workplace. And when him and his wife decided to, for the sake of the relationship and their future, live in separate countries to build up a retirement fund. This is when, you know, things fell apart and his self esteem just took an even more nosedive. And I work with high achievers all the time and high achievers also.
I find many of them just keep chasing the next thing. They aren't satisfied, they go straight to the next goal. They don't stop and celebrate. This is another impact of low self esteem where people will just keep going. They need recognition of their successes. Even if they get recognition for their successes, they don't think it's enough. They're like, right, I need to do this, I need to do more.
They're so used to pushing and punishing themselves in this way and they think that the way to get far is to just be tough on yourself, giving themselves tough love. And the sad thing, it's just hurting them when you punish yourself with I've got to prove myself, I've got to get out there, I've got to do more. You're living in the fight or flight state.
In our nervous system, our nervous system, we have these three states and one of the states of the nervous system is stress, anxiety, anger, pushing, pressure driven. It's like your, your nervous system is in this constant state of I've got to achieve, I've got to do, I've got to be a human doing rather than a human being.
And I'll talk about the nervous system coming up in a different podcast because there's a lot to, to say about that and how that's impacted when we, when we go through difficult life events. And the sad thing, I'll just finish what I was saying there was that you can go so much further. And you can be so much happier when you are your best friend, when you your cheerleader for yourself, when you're saying great, you can do this, right? Relax, celebrate, you did great, you did well.
Now what's next? Take a pause when you're in that flow state, rather in that stress state, it's going to be so much more enjoyable. Then there's the impact of people pleasing tendencies stemming from the fear of rejection, a deep seated need for approval, low self esteem, it can lead to that people pleasing. And this often is where people neglect their own needs, their own boundaries. And this can result in the loss of personal identity, a life lived according to others expectations.
And I mentioned that man that I worked with and you know, for him, he was pleasing these other women, cheating and giving them money and falling for what they needed and what they wanted because he just had this longing to feel important, to help, to rescue, to please others. And people who have lived this way their whole life often come to me reporting that they feel empty, they feel lost, they feel worn out, they often want to change, but fear, well, what would people think if I say no?
They fear creating that change. They just carry on in the same patterns. Or they may set boundaries and then afterwards they back down because they can't stand the thought of not being seen as good or likable. And they apologize for setting a boundary. And this obviously needs some support. You can help people to really be strong in their boundaries.
And that's why it's so important not to rush into setting boundaries and changing things until that person feels really comfortable and really it's cemented in their body that they love themselves, that they feel good about themselves, and that actually they don't need a load of people to like them. It can manifest also in fear of authority figures. This fear can lead to avoiding authority figures altogether.
Fears of interaction with the police, legal officials, or an irrational fear of getting into trouble. In my experience, it originates from early life dynamics with parents or caregivers. Individuals may project these fears onto bosses, leaders or any authority figures. So you're so scared because you've had a strict parent that you are just scared of authority. I can really relate to this one myself. Sometimes if I see a police car behind me, I can just sort of have this little panic.
My heart starts to flutter, I feel stressed, I turn off the music, I'm like, are they, are they out to get me? You know, and they're not just behind me, but you know, I think that comes from my mum who is very Emotionally and physically abusive and strict and it just scares me. It can also be though the other way around, where you're very angry authority figures. You get frustrated at authority figures, you get annoyed when you're told what to do.
You can be scarred by having a really strict parent that you are like, are the opposite, you reject. And some people have that paranoia. They fear that something bad's going to happen to them. And sometimes when dealing with authority figures, people can feel a hopelessness feeling or that they're not going to be able to, to get heard or they're not going to get the outcome they want. So they become shy, they shut down. Rather than standing up for themselves, they back down.
Anger issues can result from obviously childhood trauma and not feeling good enough. Anger is a defensive response to underlying feelings of vulnerability and unworthiness. Unresolved emotional pain manifests as anger. Anger is a mask underneath anger there is always pain. And anger is acting both as a shield and a signal of deep seated issues. Then another impact is the hollow emptiness. Being an observer in life, this can lead to a disconnection from one's own life.
Feeling as though they're watching from the sidelines rather than actively participating. It's a form of disassociation that can be protective, but it's also deeply isolating. So if you feel that you're not really living your life, you're not really enjoying it, you're not engaging your emotions into your life, you're disconnected. Also, people come to, for me for support where they feel disconnected from themselves.
They don't feel they know who they are and they don't feel they're really living. Then there's addictions. So addictions are often a response to pain, including the pain of not feeling good enough. Whether it's alcohol, exercise, social media, other substances, other behavioral patterns, these activities, you know, they temporarily boost dopamine and they offer a fleeting sense of worth or escape or, or happiness short lived. Ultimately they exuberate the problem and people can feel worse.
More guilt, shame, and then it can lead to that vicious cycle. Depression and anxiety are a symptom of low self esteem, of childhood trauma. A negative outlook and constant worst case scenario thinking are hallmarks of these conditions, often rooted in a persistent sense of inadequacy. The world is viewed through a lens of fear and pessimism, making everyday challenges seem insurmountable. I'm sure you can relate those days where you just feel not very good.
You feel low, you feel tired, you've got no energy and you look at Your to do list, or you think about what you've got to get done that day, and you just think, God, I can't do that. And we all have those days. But for people who really suffer and they haven't healed their trauma, these days are frequent. And then, so that's a depressed state where you just feel like, oh, it's too much. And then when you feel in a good day, feel like, God, what am I even thinking about? Today's easy. It's good.
And I always say to people, just remember that bad days don't last. And if they are lasting for you, and if you are having a lot of bad, low energy days, then it's so important to get help, is so important to change not only how you're thinking clear, any heavy emotions change, any core beliefs that aren't, you know, serving. You also change your nervous state, your nervous system state. And that can really help as well. And with anxiety, it's the opposite to the depressed state.
So the depressed state is like, no energy. I can't do anything. I just want to stay in bed. I just want to give up. I can't do it. Shall I give up? You know, that kind of energy and then. Or just feeling numb, just feeling like, I don't. I'm not interested in anything. Things that I used to do that made me feel good, they don't really feel good. Food can even taste not good when you're in that kind of depressed state.
And then there's the anxiety, which is like, I am stressed, where you're just on the go, constantly thinking about things that could happen. And your mind is just hyperactive. And so therefore, you're just in this constant state of like, stress, stress, stress, stress, stress. You're trying to do everything in this stress way, which of course makes things worse. And then that reinforces, oh, there's something wrong with me, or I'm not good. And it just creates this. This really negative cycle.
And that's often because of trauma. Imposter syndrome is another impact. This involves feeling like a fraud, fearing exposure at any moment, fear of losing your job, fear of losing the finances that you built, Fear that people will realize that you're not as talented or as good as you portray yourself to be. It's particularly common among high achievers who, despite their accomplishments, cannot internalize their success, often attributing it to luck rather than ability.
And I just actually want to go back to anxiety again because so many people suffer with anxiety. And the symptom of not feeling good enough Often goes hand in hand with heightened levels of anxiety and fear, Particular the fear of failure or not meeting expectations, both one's own and those perceived from others. This state can significantly impact an individual's mental and emotional well being as it fosters a mindset predisposed to imagining the worst case scenarios.
So you're always thinking, what if this happens or what if that happens? Or what if they think this and what if they think that? And it can cover every area of life. People come to me with health anxiety, obviously, relationship anxiety, anxiety over work, anxiety over finances, anxiety over what other people think. And it's just a horrible way to live. And that's often because of trauma.
They grew up in a house where they had to be hyper vigilant, they had to be hyper alert, they had to look out for stress and trauma at home, they had to look out for how were their parents that day, what emotions were they, you know, were they in a good mood, were they in a bad mood, are they approachable or not approachable? Am I safe? Constantly scanning for safety. And that's what our nervous system does actually. It's constantly looking are we safe or not?
And if you train your mind, your body, your nervous system to constantly be in that state of scanning, well, it scans anyway if you're safe or not. But you're constantly in that place of like fight or flight, high energy, stressed. It's exhausting. And people really suffer fear of failure. Of course, this is a thing that's really common with people that have gone through trauma or have low self esteem.
They doubt themselves a lot and they may avoid trying new things and taking risks, even if there's just small risks, because they just don't want to fail. And then not taking that action then makes them feel like a failure. So again, it's one of those really vicious circles, perfectionism. This often emerges as a symptom of not feeling good enough, manifesting as an unrelenting drive to achieve flawless results in every endeavor. It's more than wanting to look neat or be organized.
A lot of people think I'm not a perfectionist. I'm don't have perfectionism as a problem because I'm messy. It's not about being clean and tidy. Perfectionism is where you put a lot of pressure on yourself. You go over and above to do things in a certain way, to a certain standard. And in that you're just constantly stressed, anxious, pushing yourself, criticizing yourself, judging yourself to get there. It can also lead to procrastination.
Sometimes I have people Say to me that they didn't get their partner a birthday or anniversary present because they had all these ideas and they just wanted it to be perfect. And then they just didn't end up getting anything because I just couldn't think it was good enough. It can also lead to people really being behind and delaying their work and it can cause stress for people because of course perfectionism is unattainable. We cannot be perfect.
We're all ideally imperfect, we all make mistakes. And if you need to be perfect and you're only happy if you think that you've got things perfect, you're setting yourself up for a lot of dissatisfaction and disappointment. And of course on some days we can do amazing and some days our best. As long as we're doing our best, it's probably is know you could be only giving 20% output rather than 100%, but that's just the fluctuations of our body, of our minds, of what we're going through.
And it's just being able to, to be happy with yourself if you're doing your best and knowing that there's going to be days where your best is excelling and days where your best is having a lower output. The gap between expectations and reality can reinforce the feelings of inadequacy and self doubt, perpetuating the cycle of not feeling good enough. So where does that low self esteem, not feeling good enough come from? Well, we've touched on it throughout this.
It really is linked to our early childhood experiences. There are so many studies, so many experts out there that collaborate with this and especially our first years that we're born between the ages of naught to seven, we're like a sponge, we absorb everything. So before we can create a positive world for ourselves, positive thoughts, positive beliefs, the world will create our thoughts and beliefs for us.
And it will also have an impact on our breathing, our nervous system and how we relate to others. So these early years can either create a deep seated feeling of unworthiness that persists into adulthood, or if we're given the affection, the love, the attention, the safety, then we can thrive. We can feel great in ourselves, we can feel that we can achieve without criticizing ourselves or pushing ourselves.
We can have strong relationships, we can trust others, we can feel confident in our abilities, we know who we are. All of those wonderful positive things that a lot of us, myself included, have to work hard at, had to work really hard to get there. And the reason is, is because there's a lot of denial out there. There's a lot of people who resist acknowledging the negative aspects of their childhood.
And this denial stems partly from the discomfort of facing unpleasant truths, Especially when it means admitting that our parents, who are supposed to be our primary sources of love and security and safety, might have fallen short in meeting our emotional needs. Recognizing these shortcomings in those we hold dear, can invoke feelings of guilt or fear of being perceived as disloyal.
And in my work with individuals through my breakthrough program or relationship transformation programs, I really stress that the process that I do, it's not about blaming parents or anyone for that matter. It's important to understand that the vast majority of our parents are doing the best they can with the emotional tools, the resources, and understanding that they possess. They're also caught in their own trauma that's been passed on, their own life experiences, their own challenges.
So it's so important to not block any of this healing work because you don't want to recognize the pattern or recognize something to heal. We do need to look. And it's not about attributing blame. It's not about confronting anybody. It's just about, okay, this is probably quite traumatic for me.
This probably would have affected how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, how my body works, because these earlier life experiences can affect our breathing, can affect our nervous system for the for the better or worse. And that's where the challenge and healing from feelings of inadequacy lies, not only in becoming aware of how unmet emotional needs have shaped us, but also in navigating the complex emotions tied to acknowledging our parents imitations.
So sometimes people go through the work that I do and they may feel angry or upset with their parents for a short period of time, and then they let it go, often without even saying anything, just understanding. And sometimes it can be a bit raw when memories come up. Yet the benefit of that is complete freedom from these symptoms and impacts that I've shared with you. Where people struggle is they try to address these feelings of not being good enough.
They say, right, I'm going to do a self confidence course. I'm going to focus on my confidence without looking at the roots, without understanding, and it proves to be an ineffective strategy. Same with addictions, or same with like relationship habits, patterns, that, you know, your attachment style in relationships. If you are just going to learn about it without looking at the past, it's probably not going to have a lasting impact. Same with people that go and get just medication.
And just medication is our only path. Of course, medication can be really, really helpful. Yet true Transformation requires seeing the truth, delving into the origins of the feelings within our childhood, fostering an understanding that moves beyond blame to promote healing and growth. It's about equipping ourselves with the insights to see beyond the symptoms, understanding the profound impact of our early years and working towards healing with compassion and awareness.
There are real big challenges in our modern society and in our psychiatric practices. There is a huge mental health crisis with an alarming increase of the number of people relying on antidepressants, anti anxiety medications and sleeping pills. In the United States, for instance, antidepressant use among adults increased by nearly 65% over a 15 year period from 1999 to 2014, according to the National Centre of Health Statistics.
Similarly in the UK has seen a doubling in the prescription of antidepressants from 2008 to 2018 as reported by the NHS. Worth noting that these are pre Covid and there's been a much higher increase since then. These statistics highlight not only the growing dependency on medication to manage mental health issues but but also point towards systematic shortcomings in addressing the root causes of such conditions.
The relentless pace of modern life, marked by an ever increasing demand for productivity and the persistent influence of technology, exacerberates these challenges. It also often means that people overlook their feelings and symptoms and carry on using escape mechanisms to cope rather than to deal with them. The heavy leaning on pharmacological solutions or unhealthy habits to repress feelings to escape reinforces these challenges. So let's look at what are the emotional needs of children?
Children have a variety of emotional needs that are crucial for their healthy development and well being. Meeting these needs helps children develop into emotionally balanced and resilient adults. The key emotional needs for children are love and affection. Consistent expressions of love and affection provide children with a sense of security and belonging. This can be shown through hugs, kind words and spending quality time together.
Children need safety and security Children need to feel safe and protected in their environment. This includes physical safety as well as emotional security. Knowing that they are cared for and that their caregivers will be there for them. Validation and recognition Acknowledging a child's feelings, achievements and efforts helps them to develop self worth and confidence. Validating their emotions teaches them that their feelings are important. Understood understanding and empathy.
Children need adults to listen to them understand their perspective. Empathetic interactions help children to learn and trust and communicate openly about their emotions. Boundaries and structure Clear and consistent boundaries provide children with a sense of order and predictability. Structure helps children understand expectations and feel secure encouragement and support Children need encouragement to try new things and to persevere in the face of challenges.
Support from caregivers boosts their confidence and fosters a growth mindset, independence, and autonomy. Allowing children to make choices and have some control over their lives helps them develop a sense of independence and self efficiency. Positive Role Models Children learn by observing the behavior of adults around them is crucial.
Positive role models demonstrate healthy ways to handle emotions, resolve conflict, interact with others Opportunities for social interaction Building relationships with peers Learning social skills are so important for emotional development. Social interactions help children develop empathy, cooperation, and communication skills. Fun and Play Play is essential for emotional expression and stress relief.
Through play, children explore their world, express their emotions, and develop social skills. So you have to have children having a lot of fun and playtime. Consistency and Stability A stable and consistent environment helps children to feel secure and reduces anxiety. Predictable routines and reliable caregivers contribute to a child's. Dear listeners, today I celebrate you. You are among the few who actively nurture their love journey.
It's an act of courage, an act of self love and if today's episode resonated with you, be a beacon for others. Subscribe, rate and Review. Let's spread this love and wisdom far and wide. Craving more? Discover the free [email protected] you can also find the links to helpful gifts in the show Notes. Do also join our Relationship and Wellness Facebook group. It's a haven where we uplift, support and journey together towards richer, deeper love stories.
Remember, you have the power to craft the love story you deserve. Thank you for being with me today and until next time. Keep shining and loving with all your heart.