Friends. Isn't it fascinating how relationships bring us immense joy but also profound heartache? There are dance of emotions yet how often do we truly, deeply, consciously invest in the relationship we have with ourselves and loved ones? That investment, that time and that energy is the most powerful gift in you could ever bestow upon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us a manual on handling emotions and communication challenges, we also weren't taught the art of building romantic ties or how to deeply love and value ourselves. But I'm here to share more life affirming, relationship enhancing wisdom with you all. And now you can also find this transformational content pouring onto YouTube and Instagram. Dive into the show Notes to connect with all the magic. Here's for growth, love and endless learning. Hi and welcome.
I'm Nicola Beer and today I'm going to be talking about infidelity and Attachment styles Understanding the Link to Relationship Betrayal and Cheating Attachment styles profoundly shape how we form and maintain relationships, influencing our trust, intimacy and communication patterns. When these attachment styles are insecure, such as anxious, avoidant or disorganized, they can create vulnerabilities in relationships, including the risk of infidelity or emotional betrayal.
By understanding the dynamics of attachment, we can better recognise patterns that contribute to relationship breakdowns and take steps to rebuild trust and security. Attachment theory explains how early experiences with our caregivers shape our pattern of relating to others. These patterns persist into adulthood, influencing how we navigate intimacy, conflict and emotional closeness. There are four primary attachment styles.
One Secure attachment, characterized by trust, comfort with intimacy, confident emotional expression, and effective communication. Then there's the anxious attachment, marked by fear of abandonment, clinginess, neediness and over dependence on reassurance, needing and seeking validation. Then there's the avoidant attachment, defined by discomfort with too much closeness and they withdraw emotionally and they prioritise independence.
And then lastly there's disorganized attachment, which is a mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies, often stemming from unresolved trauma, leading to chaotic and inconsistent relationship patterns. So they really want a relationship, they really want to be close and to be loved. And then when they get a bit close, when they feel that connection, they want to withdraw, they want to protect themselves and they go into avoidance. So they're avoidant and anxious in the same relationship.
You might want to check out my other podcast on attachment styles to go deeper into these types if you haven't already and want to learn more about them. So now let's look at how the insecure attachment styles anxious, avoidant and disorganized are particularly prone to creating relationship challenges that may contribute to infidelity cheating, whether that's sexual, emotional or Internet betrayal.
So I'll start by talking How Anxiously attached individuals engage in Infidelity Anxiously attached individuals often have a far deeper fear of abandonment and rejection, which drives many of their behaviours and relationships. This fear can manifest in ways that make them vulnerable to infidelity, whether emotional or physical.
Their actions are typically not about a lack of love for their partner, but rather a desperate attempt to soothe their insecurities, feel validated or regain a sense of control over their emotions. When I work with cheaters to uncover the root of their patterns of both lying and cheating, it often comes down to these factors. 1. Using the infidelity to compensate for feelings of inadequacy People with anxious attachment often struggle with self esteem and feelings of worthiness.
When they perceive themselves as not being enough for their partner, they may seek validation from others to feel desirable and valued. For example, if their partner is busy with work and seems emotionally distant, an anxiously attached individual might interpret this as a sign that they are no longer loved attractive. In such situations they might seek out someone who gives them the attention they feel that they're lacking and this attention can temporarily soothe their feelings of inadequacy.
But it doesn't address the root of their insecurities, often leading to a cycle of guilt, shame and further relationship strain. They also can engage in cheating even when their partner shows them love and attention. Time and time again, men and women come to me to understand their cheating because they're very much in love with their partner. They don't want anyone else and they do feel that their partner is there for them.
But because they don't feel good enough in themselves, they seek out attention to distract themselves from their own uncomfortable feelings. The cheating then becomes an escape and all forms of escapism can be addictive. Anxiously attached individuals tend to be highly sensitive to perceived neglect. Even minor changes in their partner's behaviour, such as fewer affectionate texts or touches, a delay in responding can trigger intense feelings of rejection.
For instance, imagine someone in a long term relationship where their partner has recently become preoccupied with a demanding project at work or where the couple have just had a baby. The anxiously attached person might misinterpret their partner's focus on work or the baby as a lack of interest in them or the relationship.
Feeling emotionally starved, they might turn to a colleague or friend who offers a listening ear and comforting attention leading to an emotional or even physical affair, or a person might go on a dating app and start chatting to strangers to fill the emptiness or void that they may be experiencing. I mentioned about a project at work or couples having a baby because this is quite common.
And also our life events such as a parent being sick and a lot of time and energy focusing on that parent and trying to help that parent or another family member that's unwell. And also triathlons where people take on extreme sporting events, could be an ironman, that kind of thing. And when a person in the relationship takes on another focus, if the other person has an anxious attachment, subconsciously, they may feel rejected, not needed, not important. That feels awful.
It feels awful to feel unwanted, rejected, neglected. And so they seek out other people to help them to feel better about themselves. Now, of course, the other person is just doing what they love and they need support and attention as well. And often the couples just aren't really talking about how the relationship dynamic is changing, what they both need, their expectations, and how to go through these difficult periods together.
The reason I'm mentioning this is because so many people who are struggling to get over their partner's affair, they're not only struggling to get over it, but also the timing of it. Why was it when I was going through such a difficult time, why was it happening when I was pregnant or looking after the baby, or going through my dad's illness and funeral? All of these things. And that's what can make healing from an affair even harder.
If you don't understand what what was going on, if you don't get to the root of the behavior, if you don't take the time to really explore how and why this happened so you can protect your relationship in the future. And also not only protect your relationship, but also work on yourself. Have freedom from these patterns that may have been there for a long time that are holding you back and bringing your energy down. So I'm going to talk now about boundaries in relationships.
One thing I've noticed about people with an anxious attachment, they really struggle with boundary setting because of the fear of rejection. And this often makes them prioritise pleasing others over protecting themselves and their relationships. This lack of boundaries can make them more susceptible to engaging in behaviors that they later regret.
For example, an anxiously attached individual might find themselves in a situation where where a co worker begins to flirt with them instead of setting a clear boundary. They may feel flattered and allow the interaction to escalate because it temporarily eases their insecurity about being wanted. They may rationalize their behaviour as harmless while Crossing emotional or physical lines that jeopardize their primary relationship.
This not only can lead to cheating behavior, it can also lead to people staying in an affair they don't really want to be in. It might sound strange to someone who doesn't have an anxious or disorganized attachment type, but many people in these groups can fear ending relationships, fear rejecting people, so they somehow go along with things, hoping that things will change. By themselves, they don't have the confidence to end the affair or to say no that they don't want this.
Sophie, a 32 year old marketing professional, has been in a relationship with her partner James for four years. James is a supportive partner, but his recent promotion at work requires long hours and lots of travel, leaving Sophie feeling neglected. She notices that he's not as quick to respond to her texts and seems preoccupied when they're together. Like he's there but he's not fully there. Feeling unimportant and unloved, Sophie grows increasingly anxious. Her thoughts spiral into self doubt.
Is he losing interest in me? Maybe I'm not attractive to him anymore. Perhaps he doesn't want to be with me but doesn't have the confidence to tell me? Perhaps he's met someone else. To soothe her fears, Sophie starts confiding in a male co worker, Ryan, about her feelings of loneliness and how hard it is that James is working away. During COVID they were together all the time. But now that James isn't around as much, she doesn't feel safe or secure.
She worries about the relationship a lot of the time. Ryan wants to make her feel better. He compliments her, he offers her the emotional support that she craves. He's attentive and as their conversations deepen, Sophie begins to rely on Ryan for validation. They exchange late night messages and spend more time together. During lunch breaks. Though the relationship remains non physical, Sophie feels a rush of excitement and reassurance when Ryan pays attention to her.
She opens up to Ryan more than she does to James. Ryan is also in a relationship, so they know it won't go anywhere, but they really enjoy being there for each other. Eventually, James finds out about the texts and feels betrayed, leading to a significant breakdown in their relationship. So if this resonates with you, it's important to break that cycle. For anxiously attached individuals, addressing these tendencies requires self awareness and intentional effort. And here are some steps.
So first, recognize the triggers. Sophie could reflect on the situations that triggered her feelings of insecurity, James, work commitments and understand that they weren't necessarily signs of neglect. Then 2. Communicate needs. Openly discussing her feelings with James rather than seeking comfort from Ryan could have provided a healthier way to address her emotional needs. Set boundaries.
Sophie could establish boundaries to ensure her interactions with Ryan remain professional, protecting her primary relationship. Of course it's good to have friends, but it's important to be really careful with who you're sharing your relationship problems or challenges with. It can create a rescuer energy that can lead to emotional intimacy. And then four Work on your self worth.
Developing a sense of self worth, confidence independent of external validation can help anxiously attached individuals feel secure even when their partner isn't immediately available to reassure them. For individuals with anxious attachment, infidelity often stems from a place of fear and unmet emotional needs rather than malicious intent. Understanding these underlying dynamics and learning healthier ways to manage insecurities can prevent these patterns from repeating.
By addressing the root causes and fostering open communication, anxiously attached individuals can create more secure and fulfilling relationships. Then of course, rebuilding trust needs to be done. And the first step in this is working on yourself. Because if you know you have these patterns, these insecurities, then it's so important to show your partner that you're willing to understand them, to get to the root of them, to prevent them from coming up again.
The first part of my affair recovery program is helping the cheater to explore the negative thoughts that they have about themselves, their relationship fears and doubts and where these patterns come from. This can help them to clearly know why they've cheated. And once we know that, we can create healthier ways to boost their self esteem, feel secure and desired, and healthier coping mechanisms than seeking validation from outside.
So now let's talk about the avoidant attachment style and infidelity. Avoidantly attached individuals often struggle with emotional closeness and intimacy, prioritising independence and self reliance above all else. Their discomfort with vulnerability can make them feel overwhelmed or trapped in relationships, leading to behaviours that create distance from their partners.
In some cases, infidelity, whether emotional or physical, can serve as a way to maintain this emotional detachment or to escape the demands of intimacy. Avoidants often engage in affairs to protect their sense of control and autonomy, and they avoid emotional vulnerability. They may seek out sex workers where they can have sex without any intimacy or attachment, or engage with multiple people at one time on dating apps.
Avoidantly attached individuals may find emotional intimacy challenging because it makes them feel exposed or dependent on their partner. When a relationship becomes too close or too emotionally intense, they might turn to infidelity as a way to create distance. Engaging an affair allows them to shift their focus to a less emotionally demanding connection, providing an escape from the pressure of their primary relationship.
For example, someone with an avoidant attachment style may begin to feel stifled when their partner seeks deeper emotional engagement such as frequent conversations about feelings or future plans. Instead of addressing their discomfort, the avoidant individual might seek a connection elsewhere, one that feels less emotionally burdensome and allows them to regain a sense of control.
Avoidantly attached individuals often find the novelty of a new relationship appealing because these connections come with fewer expectations and less emotional intensity. Early stage interactions in an affair might feel light, exciting and free from vulnerabilities of a long term partnership, commitment and pressure. This dynamic aligns with their desire to avoid emotional entanglement while still fulfilling their need for human connection on their terms.
For instance, an avoidantly attached person might enjoy flirting with a co worker or an acquaintance. As these interactions feel casual and fun, the lack of deep emotional investment makes them feel safe and they may even rationalize the affair as harmless or justified because it doesn't involve the level of commitment or responsibility required in their primary relationship.
They also may find themselves in affairs where they know that there won't be any future, such as married individuals with children or sex workers. Avoidantly attached individuals often have difficulty expressing their needs and fears. Instead of discussing their discomfort with their partner, they may resort to avoidance or secrecy. This lack of communication can lead to infidelity as a way to cope with their internal struggles without confronting the complexities of their primary relationship.
For example, if an avoidant individual feels overwhelmed by their partner's complaints or desires for more time together or for more emotional support during a difficult time, they may withdraw and seek solace in a secondary relationship. Their secretive behaviour allows them to avoid difficult conversations or emotional conflicts, even if ultimately it damages the trust in their main relationship. Philip, a 44 year old professional, had been married to his wife Shireen for 12 years.
Shireen is emotionally expressive and values deep connection, frequently initiating conversations about their feelings and future. Philip, however, finds these discussions uncomfortable and tends to shut down or change the subject over time. Shireen begins to express frustration, seeking more engagement from Philip. Feeling overwhelmed, Philip starts to withdraw from their relationship.
He spends more time at the office, going out with friends and decides to increase his fitness levels and change his physique. He's at the gym every day and forms casual relationships and friendships with the people at the gym. And then he met Layla at the gym. Layla is half Philip's age. She's easygoing and enjoys small talk. Their interactions are light hearted and Philip feels A sense of relief and freedom when he spends time with her without thinking about it.
They end up spending more and more time together, training and then eating meals together. After eventually their friendship turns into a physical affair. Philip is consumed with guilt and shame so ends up avoiding his wife even more. He also becomes more secretive which causes Shireen to give him an ultimatum, support her emotionally and show he cares or to leave. He then wakes up realising that he's been sabotaging his relationship in so many different ways.
This isn't the first time he's caused women to leave, but the first time that he has cheated. He knows that he needs to do more work on himself to be more comfortable with emotions and more emotionally available for avoidantly attached individuals. Breaking the cycle of infidelity and avoidance requires a combination of self awareness, communication and a willingness to confront discomfort. If you find yourself in a similar situation to Philip, here are some of the steps that you can take.
First, acknowledge the emotional avoidance. Philip needed to recognise that his tendency to avoid vulnerability and emotional connection contributed to his decision to engage in an affair. 2. Then communicate needs Learning to express his discomfort with Shireen's emotional demands in a constructive way could help Philip create a more balanced dynamic in their relationship. Having the confidence to be able to express himself, to explain himself was really powerful for him.
3. Address fears of intimacy Working through the fears and insecurities that drive his avoidance of emotions really help Philip. He could see how his mother's overly emotional reactions freaked him out as a child and he always labeled himself as not an emotional person and as not being good with emotions. And guess what happens when you tell yourself something time and time again. I'm not an emotional person, I'm not good with emotions.
Then you're going to block yourself and then that's going to become true. It's going to become a self fulfilling prophecy. So step by step I help Philip to become more comfortable with emotional closeness, discussing what to say and how to handle different emotions that Shireen displayed.
For example, we explored how to deal with anger, fear, sadness differently, how to show empathy, when to offer a hug, when to listen, how to respond, how to acknowledge and how to stay present in the moment without shutting down. And then Step four Setting healthy boundaries Establishing clear boundaries with colleagues or friends can prevent situations that might lead to infidelity infections.
The future infidelity for avoidantly attached individuals often arises from the desire to escape vulnerability and maintain independence rather than a lack of love or commitment. Understanding the underlying attachment dynamics can help these individuals recognize their patterns and Develop healthier ways to navigate intimacy by addressing their fears and learning to communicate openly.
Avoidantly attached individuals can move towards secure attachment create deeper, more meaningful connections in their relationships. Before I go into some tips and solutions to help rebuild trust and safety after infidelity, I'm going to talk about the last insecure attachment which is disorganised. Disorganised attachment, often rooted in unresolved trauma or inconsistent caregiving, leads to a complex and chaotic approach to relationships.
Individuals with this attachment style experience a push pull dynamic. They crave closeness, but simultaneously fear, rejection or betrayal. This internal conflict can create impulsive or self sabotaging behaviours, including infidelity. Their actions are often not a lack of love for their partner, but rather an attempt to manage overwhelming emotions and unmet attachment needs. Individuals with disorganized attachment often live with heightened fear of abandonment.
This fear can make them hyper vigilant in relationships, interpreting even minor signs of distance as impending rejection. To preempt the perceived threat of being abandoned, they may turn to infidelity as a way to gain a sense of control. For example, someone with a disorganized attachment style might engage in an affair as a subconscious way to leave before being left, sometimes giving a false sense of relief or power.
This behaviour temporarily alleviates their anxiety and about rejection, but creates further chaos in their relationships, reinforcing their fear that closeness leads to pain. Disorganized individuals often experience relationships as unstable or tumultuous and they may feel most alive in emotionally intense situations.
The secrecy, risk and passion of extramarital connections can provide a heightened sense of intensity that feels both exhilarating and familiar, even if it's harmful in the long term. For instance, someone with a disorganized attachment might be drawn to an affair partner who provides dramatic emotional highs and lows.
While this intensity mirrors the unpredictable dynamics that they may have experienced in childhood, it often leaves them feeling more conflicted and unsettled in their primary relationship. Early caregiving experiences that involve betrayal, neglect, inconsistency often shape the relational patterns of individuals with disorganized attachment. They may unconsciously create these dynamics in their adult relationships, including through infidelity.
For example, a person whose caregiver was both a source of comfort and then harm might find themselves drawn to relationships that replicate this duality. This can lead them to engage in affairs, perpetuating cycles of mistrust and betrayal that mirror early experiences. These behaviours are often driven by unresolved trauma rather than a conscious choice to harm their partner or themselves. If you listen to my previous podcast on Attachment Styles.
You hear my personal story there of how I ended up having a disorganized attachment style and how it affected me. And now I'm going to talk to you about a lady that I worked with called Rachel. Rachel, a 35 year old teacher, grew up in a household where her mother was sometimes loving and attentive and other times highly critical and verbally dismissive of her daughter. Her mother expected herself and Rachel to be perfect and always commented that she should be doing better than she was.
As a result, Rachel developed a disorganized attachment style, craving emotional intimacy but fearing the vulnerability it requires. In her marriage to David, Rachel often feels conflicted. She wants closeness but struggles to trust that David won't hurt her or abandon her. When David becomes busy with work and doesn't immediately notice her feelings of insecurity, Rachel starts to spiral into anxiety.
Seeking a way to cope with her fear of abandonment, Rachel begins a flirtation with a former partner. The connection quickly escalates into an emotional affair, giving Rachel the sense of attention and control that she feels is missing in her marriage. When David discovers the affair, Rachel feels ashamed and overwhelmed, but she struggles to explain her actions which are rooted in her unresolved fears and insecurities.
For individuals with disorganized attachment, breaking free from the patterns of infidelity and self sabotage requires addressing the underlying trauma and learning healthier ways to manage the emotional conflict. Here are some steps that you can take. First, acknowledge the trauma Rachel needed to recognise how her unresolved childhood experiences drive her fears and her behaviour in her relationships. Then to build emotional regulation skills.
Learning techniques to manage her anxiety and fear of abandonment helped Rachel to avoid impulsive actions like infidelity. 3. Develop healthy communication Rachel had to work on expressing her emotional needs to David in a way that fosters understanding and connection rather than turning to external sources for validation. And then five Seeking professional support.
Trauma informed therapy helped Rachel to process her past experiences, heal from their effects and develop a more secure approach to relationships. Infidelity in individuals with disorganized attachment often stems from a deep internal conflict, the simultaneous craving for connection and fear of rejection. While these behaviors can cause significant harm to relationships, they are not insurmountable.
By addressing the trauma underlying their attachment style and learning healthier ways to navigate emotional needs, individuals with disorganized attachment can break free from self sabotaging patterns and move towards secure and fulfilling relationships. And I've not only witnessed that helping hundreds of people to move from an anxious, disorganized and avoidant attachment style to secure attachment. I've also lived it.
I had so many unhealthy relationship patterns because of my childhood growing up with a mother who was emotionally and physically abusive and I managed to overcome that and change that. So if you're listening to this and feeling overwhelmed or concerned that your relationship isn't going to work out because of these patterns, know that these patterns can be changed.
They do require a commitment to look at yourself, to explore the past, to work with the subconscious mind, and then also to have compassion for yourself. Because without compassion for ourselves and understanding why we are the way we are, it's very difficult to heal and move forward. Once you understand these patterns and triggers and coping mechanisms, you can then develop healthier, stronger ways of being interacting.
Just like the examples that I've given in this podcast with the names and identifying characteristics changed, of course. So now let's move into how to rebuild trust and intimacy following Betrayal Infidelity and betrayal don't have to mark the end of a relationship. With effort, understanding and professional support, couples can rebuild trust and create a healthier, more secure connection. Here, here are some strategies for moving forward. First of all, understand the root cause.
Both partners must explore the underlying issues that led to the betrayal. This includes examining how attachment styles and personal insecurities contributed to the dynamic self. Awareness and accountability are critical first steps, then Rebuilding the communication. Open, honest communication is essential for rebuilding trust. Both partners should feel safe expressing their feelings, needs and concerns without fear of judgment or rejection.
Using I statements to express emotion, for example I feel hurt when can really be beneficial. Practicing active listening to ensure that both partners feel heard and understood. In fact, the more couples talk after an affair, the better. Couples that try to put it in a box move forward without going through what's happened and why it's happened and how you're both feeling now. Moving forward is a real mistake. It's so important to talk it all through, to process it and clear it.
If we don't process our emotions, our thoughts, our feelings, they can get stuck and come up and hurt us later or hurt the relationship later. Then there's an agreement on boundaries and expectations. Setting clear boundaries helps to restore a sense of safety and stability in the relationship. Partners should discuss and agree on what constitutes trust and respect moving forward, ensuring that they both feel secure.
So some people might discuss what to do about social media, for example, or a certain person, and agree never to share their emotional relationship problems with a person of the opposite sex, for example. So setting these boundaries and agreeing on Them, even if some of these boundaries may seem obvious, can really help the safety. Then Seeking professional support Find a professional that you feel comfortable with because time and time again therapy is most effective.
If you feel comfortable with that person, you believe that that person can help you and that person also believes that they can help you. Ideally, find someone that specialises in affair recovery and complex relationship dynamics and ask them to focus on the solutions.
So many times couples will come to me months or years after the affair because because they didn't get the understanding or closure that they needed from talking it through by themselves or from traditional therapy or online support groups. They found it was focused more on feelings and the story of what happened rather than solutions. So you want a combination of both. You need to go through the feelings and process the feelings. You need to set the boundaries and then you need solutions.
How to rebuild trust, how to become closer. How to let it go. Coping strategies to heal the wounds and let go of the resentment and the hurt and the pain. Ideally you want someone that can see the whole full 360 degree relationship that works with you both individually and then together.
This avoids conflicting advice, enables the person that you've chosen to support you fully because they can see the full relationship dynamic as a whole rather than trying to guide you or by seeing only part of it. It's also so important that both partners focus on personal development and individual growth to address their own attachment related behaviours.
This might include building self esteem and self awareness, developing healthy coping mechanisms for stress and insecurity, Practicing mindfulness or self soothing techniques to regulate emotions. Then there's forgiveness and patience. Healing takes time. Both partners must be willing to forgive not only each other but also themselves for the past mistakes. Patience and commitment to growth are essential for long term success as well as a focus on moving towards secure attachment.
While insecure attachment styles can contribute to betrayal, they are not permanent. With effort and self awareness, individuals can work towards developing a more secure attachment style. Secure attachments foster trust, emotional availability and healthy communication, creating a strong foundation for lasting relationships. I'm going to focus more on how to heal the attachment patterns and have a secure attachment style coming up.
So do subscribe to the show so you don't miss that if you're interested in this topic. Infidelity and betrayal are painful experiences, but they also present an opportunity for growth. By understanding the role of attachment styles, couples can break free from destructive patterns and build a relationship that is more resilient, fulfilling and secure.
To learn more about how to recover after an affair, check out my Affair Recovery Masterclass that explains in detail the steps you need to take to rebuild trust and safety in your relationship. Go to nicolabeer.com and click on the Gift page where you'll see the Affair Recovery Masterclass as well as my Affair Recovery Pack, the Self Care and Confidence Toolkit and My Relationship Reconnect Toolkit, all completely free to support you on your journey to healthier, more wholesome relationships.
So from my heart to yours, wishing you an amazing week ahead. Take great care of yourself and each other. Dear listeners, today I celebrate you. You are among the few who actively nurture their love journey. It's an act of courage, an act of self love and if today's episode resonated with you, be a beacon for others. Subscribe, rate and review. Let's spread this love and wisdom far and wide. Craving more?
Discover the free [email protected] you can also find the links to helpful gifts in the show Notes. Do also join our Relationship and Wellness Facebook group. It's a haven where we uplift, support and journey together towards richer, deeper love stories. Remember, you have the power to craft the love story you deserve. Thank you for being with me today and until next time, keep shining and loving with all your heart.