How to Restore Relationship Trust After Infidelity: Healing the Emotional Impact Without Control - podcast episode cover

How to Restore Relationship Trust After Infidelity: Healing the Emotional Impact Without Control

Nov 28, 202434 min
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Episode description

After infidelity, restoring trust can be hard—especially when control-based measures lead to a damaging parent-child dynamic. In this episode, Nicola Beer explores how to restore relationship trust without eroding intimacy, and how to address the emotional impact of infidelity with compassion.

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Transcript

Friends. Isn't it fascinating how relationships bring us immense joy but also profound heartache? There are dance of emotions yet how often do we truly, deeply, consciously invest in the relationship we have with ourselves and loved ones? That investment, that time and that energy is the most powerful gift in you could ever bestow upon yourself and those you love.

As life didn't give us a manual on handling emotions and communication challenges, we also weren't taught the art of building romantic ties or how to deeply love and value ourselves. But I'm here to share more life affirming, relationship enhancing wisdom with you all. And now you can also find this transformational content pouring onto YouTube and Instagram. Dive into the show notes to connect with all the magic. Here's for growth, love and endless learning. Hi and welcome.

I'm Nicola Beer and today I'm going to be exploring the dangers of creating a parent child dynamic in relationships after an affair. When infidelity occurs in a marriage or partnership, it's natural for the betrayed partner to seek measures to restore a sense of safety. In many cases, these measures include monitoring the cheetah's actions, where they are, who they're with, their social media interactions, and even restricting their movements.

While these behaviors might seem like reasonable trust building steps in the immediate aftermath of an affair, they can quickly evolve into a damaging parent child dynamic where one partner assumes a parental role and the other is reduced to the child who must report, seek approval and adhere to new rules. This dynamic can have serious repercussions, eroding the very foundation of intimacy, equality, passion in a relationship.

So in this episode we're going to explore how a parent child dynamic can develop, why it's detrimental to long term relationship health, and offer suggestions for alternative approaches to to rebuilding trust after an affair. And from this my hope is that. You will be able to see how these anxiety driven measures should be approached with caution. In the end, while some of course initial trust rebuilding steps can be helpful to help calm anxiety and to help feel that you're safe.

They should really be temporary, with the ultimate goal being self trust and open, honest communication between partners and a strong connection where you can feel that you can trust them when you know inside you can trust them and you feel at peace. A parent child dynamic arises when one partner takes on an authoritative or supervisory role while the other adopts a more submissive, monitored stance. In the context of a fair recovery.

This often means the betrayed partner becomes the parent, setting boundaries and requiring transparency, while the unfaithful partner becomes the child complying with These restrictions to prove their trustworthiness. Some common behaviors that create this dynamic after an affair Monitoring emails, texts and social media. The cheater may be asked to share passwords or give full access to their electronic communications.

Restricting movements the betrayed partner may set limits on where the cheater can go, whom they can see and for how long. Constant check ins. The cheater may be required to provide frequent updates on their location, schedule and interactions. Imposing rules the betrayed partner might establish strict guidelines on what the cheater can and cannot do. Almost like a list of house rules for a child.

Making decisions on friendships, relationships and activities that a cheater can do that seems authoritative like in a parent child dynamic. Controlling finances and financial autonomy is also sometimes implemented which can create a power imbalance. Initially, these behaviors may seem comforting to the betrayed partner, offering reassurance and a sense of control during a time of intense insecurity and emotional pain.

However, if these behaviours continue indefinitely, they can often lead to a loss of equality, passion and autonomy in the relationship, impacting both partners negatively. At first glance, the parent child dynamic may seem like a necessary phase in rebuilding trust after an affair. However, I've seen the damaging effect they can have and research in the relationship field supports this. Therefore, I warn against allowing a parent child dynamic to persist long term.

Ideally, if you can agree on measures that don't conflict with a person's sense of self or their autonomy, it's going to really help the relationship. So let's look at why the parent child dynamic is harmful in the long run. 1 It's the erosion of equality. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, autonomy and equality. When one partner adopts a parental role, they essentially have authority over the other, leading to an imbalance in power.

This shift can foster resentment in both partners. The betrayed partner might start to feel like a warden responsible for controlling their partner's behavior. Meanwhile, the unfaithful partner may feel infantised, unable to make decisions independently without oversight. And this inequality can breed frustration, resistance. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, defensiveness and even a rebellion in the long term. Another way it affects it is a loss of passion and polarity.

In relationships, attraction and intimacy often come from a sense of polarity, the opposites balancing each other. One in a masculine energy, one in a feminine energy. The balance of the masculine and feminine energies is really important and the give and take. Also in a relationship of two independent individuals who choose to come together. When one partner adopts the role of. A parent and the other a role. Of a child, this polarity is Lost and the passion dissipates.

Romantic relationships require that balance of respect, autonomy, and the desire to maintain intimacy. When the unfaithful partner feels like a child under surveillance, it can diminish their sense of agency, which can profoundly be detrimental to maintaining that passionate, intimate, close connection.

Frustration towards each other and the situation can also create a divide in the intimacy because ultimately also the person who has been betrayed and maybe implementing these measures also gets frustrated because they feel like, why do I have to do this? I don't want to be a person that has to check up on you. I don't want to ask you where you're going and who you're going with. Or what time you're going to be. Back, or I don't want to be checking your social media.

And so they can be drawn to this because it helps calm their anxiety, but also be really frustrated for being put in that situation and for thinking. About it all the time. And also, the more you do these kind of checking up measures, the more you focus on the affair, the betrayal, the past, the negativity, what's gone wrong rather than enjoying the present and creating a really powerful, happy future.

Another reason that the parent child dynamic can cause problems is because it undermines authentic trust. Monitoring behaviors create an illusion of trust rather than true trust.

True trust is built through genuine change, open communication, and consistent behavior over time, consistently showing your partner that you're more open in your communication, that when you say you're going to do something, you do it, that you're reliable, that you're caring, that you're showing love, that you're connecting. These are all important trust rebuilding actions. And they happen over a period of. Time where the trust grows and grows and grows.

I imagine trust rebuilding like a dimmer switch where you slowly turn up the light. It's a slowly consistent process. It doesn't happen by just flicking a switch and saying, right, I'm going to trust you now, as many of you that have been cheated on or have been a cheater and you're repairing your relationship already know. So the important point I'm trying to make is that it's consistent, loving actions of safety, security and connection, not constant surveillance, that brings genuine trust.

If the unfaithful partner feels forced to comply with parental restrictions, they may not be truly invested in regaining trust. They may act out of obligation rather than commitment to change, which weakens the foundation of trust in the relationship. Real trust, on the other hand, requires both partners to feel free to express themselves honestly without fear of punishment or Control.

The negative impact on masculine and feminine dynamics I mentioned earlier really also needs to be understood because there exists a natural flow of masculine and feminine energy that contributes to attraction, desire and passion. When a parent child dynamic is introduced, it disrupts this flow as the child role can feel emasculated and disempowered. Couples who previously had good chemistry can lose that with the dynamic.

And for those who value traditional masculine feminine roles and differences, this dynamic can feel unnatural, weakening the roles each partner typically embodies. Over time, this shift can erode the respect and admiration for each partner and the romantic connection can be lost, impacting the long term stability for the relationship. Many couples also experience a diminished respect for one another.

The betrayed partner who adopts a parental role may feel initially empowered by their sense of control. But over time this role can lead to self respect issues. They may start to feel more like a supervisor than a partner, responsible for keeping their partner in line. And this role can feel burdensome, especially if the betrayed partner feels that their trust rebuilding efforts are not reciprocated by genuine change.

They may feel angry that they have to keep reminding and keep checking and like their old self is lost because they're in this sort of nagging and checking and focusing on all this negativity and focusing on the pain of what's happened again and again. And meanwhile, the cheetah may experience a decline in self respect as they comply with these increasingly invasive restrictions, leading to a loss of self esteem and identity within the relationship.

And it also can keep them in guilt and shame because a lot of people that have cheated do feel a lot of remorse, do feel very guilty for the hurt that they've caused, and these kind of measures remind them of what they've done regularly. And it can really damage a sense of self. The whole idea behind the restrictions or monitoring is often to create safety for the betrayed.

But actually these actions draw attention consistently to the past, draws attention to what is unsafe and what has happened, and this can keep the couple stuck. Damien I worked with, whose wife cheated on him, asked for all her passwords and began checking emails, texts and social media messages regularly. While it proved to help him initially and it provided that initial reassurance, it quickly turned into a pattern of dependency for Damien as he relieved his anxiety when he checked it.

But this was not a positive way to manage his anxiety. He felt stressed that he had to check when he was busy with his own work and duties. It also enhanced his thoughts of the affairs and his wife, although happy to give access, felt policed and isolated. She felt that she couldn't express her feelings to her friends or family in case it was read.

So she started drifting into a mild depression, scared to say anything to anyone about her normal day to day life in case it was misunderstood or misinterpreted or hurt. Damien with all the monitoring she felt like she couldn't be herself. She also felt like the label of being a bad person wouldn't go away. She constantly felt awful about herself and it made her self esteem lower.

When they embarked on the affair recovery program with me, they wanted to learn ways to create safety, trust and closeness in a different way. To do that, I advised them that we need to focus on the present and future, the here and now and develop more self awareness and open deeper communication to create a new foundation and a new way for their relationship.

They were both excited about that and in their journey they learned more about their traumas, their negative beliefs and fears so they could support each other and help lift each other's self esteem and self identity. They both felt that the restrictive actions led to a loss in their identity and how they saw themselves, which was not positive for them.

Becky I supported found that the limiting her husband's interactions and requesting daily check ins only created more fights in what was an already fragile time. Becky thought that if her husband gave up his single friends or friends that had gone to prostitutes or massage parlors that she would feel safer. But forbidding him from social settings, keeping him from being in touch with his friends, led to her husband to feel imprisoned and isolated.

He argued that he cheated because of his own problems and that it was not linked to them. It was linked to his own insecurities, his porn usage and drinking that led to his cheating behaviour. Nothing to do with outside influence. He felt torn between wanting to keep Becky happy and not wanting to lose his friends. It all came to a head when when he had his brother stag do, Becky didn't want him to go, calling him insensitive for even daring to ask her.

When we worked together I helped Becky realise that the real work that was to be done in their relationship was for her husband to explore his deeper reasons for cheating. The reasons that led him to go to massage parlours and sleep with prostitutes.

What he was feeling around himself and his self worth because he'd mentioned that a lot of it was triggered by his insecurities and looking at the emotions behind the triggers and the past events and his beliefs around himself that if he did that that's what's going to really Help her understand that she's safe if he's got to the bottom of it, understood the root causes, has strategies and tools in place to find healthy ways of having self esteem, healthy ways for excitement, healthy ways to

manage anxiety and low self worth. Plus of course needed is always remorse and then working together to make the relationship stronger and closer. Becky realized in working together that she really didn't like being this person. She didn't recognize herself. It wasn't serving her either to check his whereabouts and to worry about who he was with and what these other friends of his were doing.

Stopping this pattern and exploring with me more authentic connection really helped her and their relationship massively. They also decided that whilst they were going to keep their friends that they had that it would be good to see find friends that were supportive of the marriage and to make some new friends together. Couple friends. So they joined different courses.

One was a cooking course, one was an online parenting course and one was paddle tennis so that they can meet other couples and form new healthy hobbies. They found that their communication really improved as the defensifists in them both disappeared. Creating a parent child dynamic may feel like an effective short term strategy to manage insecurity after an affair.

However, if maintained beyond the initial recovery period, it can lead to profound long term issues such as lingering resentment where both partners may feel resentment. The betrayed partner for constantly needing to monitor and control. And the unfaithful partner for feeling confined and infantized. Also the constant reminder can bring resentment. Then there's the loss of connection and intimacy. So true intimacy requires a level of vulnerability inequality that a parent child demonic disrupts.

And over time this can lead to emotional and physical disconnection. And then it can also result in cycles of rebellion. The unfaithful partner may start to rebel against the restrictions, creating a cycle of dishonesty and distrust.

And that can really cause a lot of damage because in a way to exert a bit of power, a bit of control, hiding some small things, telling some white lies because they want to rebel or they feel resistance will really, really be a massive blow to the connection and to the rebuilding efforts. And then it can delay authentic healing.

When the focus is on control and monitoring, it's delaying the genuine emotional work such as processing the betrayal, dealing with the painful emotions, addressing the personal reasons and insecurities that both have. Often the cheater had these insecurities or this need for attention and validation beforehand which led to them cheating.

And then this is passed on to the person that's been betrayed where they Start to doubt themselves and question themselves and question their judgments and their decisions. And so these insecurities need to be looked through, they need to be explored and healed. And also it can delay genuine working together to rebuild the mutual respect and the loving actions that rebuild trust that I mentioned earlier. So here are some tips for rebuilding trust.

A healthier approach to rebuilding trust long term after an affair, you might want to consider these strategies. First, set clear boundaries together instead of imposing rules. Have an open discussion where both partners agree on reasonable temporary boundaries that respect each other's autonomy and that also keep the person that's been betrayed safe.

Make these boundaries time limited and subject to regular review so it's not set in stone that okay, forever I'm going to check your social media or this is this, you know, make sure that whatever actions that you put in place, that you agree on them and that they have a time limit if they're quite restrictive and of course if there's boundaries that okay are non negotiable that of course you, you make sure that these are not time limited. Focus on personal healing.

Each partner should work on their own emotional health. For the betrayed partner, this may mean building self esteem, self trust and emotional resilience rather than placing responsibility on the other person's behavior to lessen their anxiety rather than looking outside to feel good coming from the inside. Now I've mentioned self trust quite a few times and let me just explain that there's no way to fully 100% trust that your partner isn't going to cheat on you.

You can't even 100% guarantee that you're not going to cheat on them because no one knows what's going to happen in the future. And I believe, having done this work for so long, that given the right circumstances, painful, extreme circumstances, anybody can make a mistake. So what can give us peace?

Self trust where I trust myself enough and I build up my self worth and my self esteem where I know that no matter what happens to me, no matter how hurt I might get or what circumstances and challenges life may throw at me, I trust myself that I will always be okay.

And I trust myself that if I get into extreme anxiety, depression, if I'm devastated, if I'm close to a breakdown, if I get into a crisis, basically that I will do anything, everything I can in my power to get myself out of it, whether that's going on a retreat and having help, going into therapy, intensively calling on my friends and family, taking a break from work, investing in my health in whatever way that might look like I will do whatever it takes to get myself out of a dark situation if

I fall in that. So if I believe I can trust myself, then I can trust others because I know that if I am hurt, I'm going to be okay. And that's my philosophy and that's what I really help people to do in my individual breakthrough process, to really get to that point where they feel so strong and so good in themselves. And it's continued work.

The breakthrough process helps to clear the past, clear those negative thoughts and beliefs that are holding people back, clearing the trauma and then setting actions consistently to keep growing and building on your self esteem and keep creating those new neural pathways of self, love, strength, connection. So what does self work look like for the unfaithful partner?

It means addressing the root causes of their actions, understanding the emotional triggers, where it comes from, what they're going to do instead, if they have those triggers, cultivating a strong sense of self awareness and finding replacements for whatever the pattern of cheating was giving them, whether it was giving them attention, validation, a physical release, whether it gave them excitement. There's so many different things that our unhealthy patterns and habits can give us.

So we need to find healthy alternative replacements and demonstrating a commitment to genuine change. So for example, a lot of the people that I work with that cheat on their partner, they don't often express their emotions very well, they avoid confrontation, they tend to be people pleasers. And so showing that you're going to work through that and change that, that's really, really powerful. So then there's the communication skills.

That's another thing that you can both focus on focusing on open, honest communication where you both feel safe to express and you're opening up regularly. It's not just something you do now and again, it's consistent, making sure that you don't judge each other and the your conversations move forward. Sometimes when couples get stuck in their communication, it's because they're just going over the past. Or in the blame game, you did this, you did that, you did this, you did that.

Defensive, not listening to the other person, playing the victim, like, oh, I can't believe that you're bringing this up at 9 o' clock at night, or I can't believe you're telling me this now when you know that I've had a really bad day, or you're always right and I'm always wrong. These defensiveness patterns of blame and playing the victim and changing the subject create more chaos.

And so really learning how to communicate and move forward, talk about difficult topics, find solutions, and keep talking until you can find positive, healthy ways to interact in the future and solutions for the future. When you get your communication right, then there's going to be greater emotional intimacy and it's going to reduce the need for control based measures. Communication skills can help you alleviate those defensive patterns.

They encourage empathy, compassion, and this can really, really help. And if you haven't checked out my empathy podcast, then I would recommend you do so. Because sometimes people really struggle to show empathy and that can be because of a lot of different reasons why people struggle to show empathy. However, especially after an affair, empathy is needed on both sides. Empathy and compassion. This can help a couple grow stronger and closer and then getting the right support.

It's essential for you both to work through the trauma of the infidelity, develop healthy coping mechanisms and address the underlying issues that led to the affair. When I work with couples, I work with them both individually and do their individual work. And then we come together and we do the communication and relationship needs and relationship strengthening and rebuilding trust actions. Because no one saves their relationship or strengthens their relationship by talking.

It involves actions, it involves solutions, and it involves that consistency that I mentioned. And I find when I work with both of the couple individually and then together, I have that 360 view of the relationship of all the different dynamics at play. The inner child of each person, the adult self of each person, the history and their own individual dynamics that then come together. And I find that this works really effective. So find the right person. And if you're finding, okay, you're with.

A different therapist and it's not really. Working, or you're not really getting anywhere, then consider changing. Having the right fit, having someone that. You resonate with is key. And in fact, there's countless studies that show that there's not one type best of therapy, there's not one fit size. Fits all type of therapy for all people.

And where people get the best results is where they can connect to the person, where they feel that, okay, this person gets me, they understand me, and you know, they have that good feeling, that good energy, this person's right for me. So find someone that's right for you and keep changing until you find that person. If monitoring measures are necessary, then I would try and limit them to a maximum of six months. Now why are they necessary? Well, often when I help people at.

The beginning, when they come to me, they're having panic attacks, the anxiety is through the roof, they can't self regulate they can't calm themselves. And that's what we work on when we work together. Being able to emotionally regulate themselves and calm themselves and be their own loving reassurance. And that that can, is a skill. That a person needs to learn and. It can take a little bit of time due to the devastating blow that being cheated on can have.

So of course if it's, if you're in heightened panic and you're having anxiety attacks or you're not able to focus or you can't function, then you know you need to perhaps have some controlling cautionary measures. But long term you want to try and avoid this because then you might get into a cycle where you need it and then that's not healthy for you or for the relationship.

I would say that during the time of six months and work actively on restoring the true trust, don't just only have these kind of checking measures as a trust so that by the end of the initial, let's say six month period the focus can shift back to open and honest communication, deeper connection building because you've already got that foundation of connection and trust there.

Whilst checking messages and requiring regular updates can provide that temporary reassurance, of course it's not true safety. So really making sure that you focus on that because if someone truly wants to cheat again, then these measures are unlikely to stop them anyway. A more sustainable approach to trust and emotional security comes from working on yourself, building self trust, emotional resilience and confidence that no matter what is going to happen in the future, I am going to thrive.

And this shift allows you to approach the relationship from a place of empowerment rather than fear, where you're choosing love over fear. So instead of relying on monitoring, focus on fostering also your intuition and maintaining open conversations about how you're feeling. If you're feeling uneasy, address it directly with your partner and see what solutions they have without telling them what they have to do. This is far more powerful because they might say, well, would it help if I did this?

Would it help if I did that? And then you're not asking, you're not forcing your letting them come up with the solutions and then it feels more organic and it feels more natural and it feels more right. So I would recommend sharing when you're really struggling and then seeing how your partner is willing to support you. This creates a more balanced, passionate and trusting relationship moving forward. Of course, rebuilding trust after an affair.

Is challenging and there is no way to avoid triggers. Triggers will happen. Do not spend your time trying to avoid triggers. I have got another episode which I've created on that. So check that out. Because sometimes couples get stuck because they're just trying to avoid all the triggers. And this can come into these actions that I mentioned, sort of restricting movements, restricting friends, restricting different things. Focusing on the triggers won't support you long term.

If we take the analogy of a gun, a loaded gun, the trigger is a tiny, small part of a gun. The real weapon, the real power is in the whole of the loaded gun, the ammunition, the barrel. So triggers are the surface. Underneath is all of those fears, all of those heavy emotions, those negative thoughts, those deep seated beliefs that the affair brings up. And the trigger is that small part. So do that deeper work and find your peace. Because we deserve to feel safe and secure in life.

We deserve to feel safe and secure in our relationships. And by avoiding the pitfalls of a parent child dynamic, you can create a foundation of equality, respect, genuine intimacy, restoring not just the relationship but your own sense of personal empowerment and emotional security. I hope you've enjoyed this today. If you have, I'd be so grateful for a rating or a view. You can do that on Spotify, on YouTube and Apple Podcasts.

And if you are looking for any support when it comes to affair recovery, do check out my website nicolabeer.com go to the gifts tab and you will find my free Affair Recovery pack as well as the Affair Recovery Masterclass which have tools for creating calmness, restoring your sense of self, for reviewing the relationship, and also directions on where to go and begin your personal work after discovering an affair. So from my heart to yours, thank you so much for listening.

Wishing you a positive week ahead. Wherever you may be in your journey, take amazing care of yourself and each other. Dear listeners, today I celebrate you. You are among the few who actively nurture their love journey. It's an act of courage, an act of self love and if today's episode resonated with you, be a beacon for others. Subscribe, rate and review. Let's spread this love and wisdom far and wide. Craving more?

Discover the free [email protected] youm can also find the links to helpful gifts in the show Notes. Do also join our Relationship and Wellness Facebook group. It's a haven where we uplift, support and journey together towards richer, deeper love stories. Remember, you have the power to craft the love story you deserve. Thank you for being with me today and until next time. Keep shining and loving with all your heart.

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