Welcome to the Relationship Revival Podcast, your Go to show for expert advice and guidance on relationships, marriage, divorce and dating. I'm Nicola Beer and for over 20 years I've helped thousands of individuals and couples worldwide transform their relationships and create lasting change through one to one online sessions and healing retreats in Asia.
Whether you're trying to save your marriage, figure out if you're in the right relationship, find the courage to walk away from something that no longer serves you, or break free from unhealthy relationship patterns once and for all. You're in the right place. This podcast is about sharing the tips, tools and strategies that have transformed countless lives. You'll get practical advice and insights that you can start using right away to create the love and happiness that you deserve.
And if you're looking for more support and valuable free resources to heal, grow and strengthen your relationships, then head over to nicolabeer.com and click on the Gift page to explore what's waiting for you there. Hi and welcome. This is Nicola Beer. In the past two episodes, we explored how dopamine habits can drive destructive behaviors, especially in our relationships.
We looked at how constantly chasing the next dopamine hit through phones, fantasies, or flirting can change the brain's chemistry and leave us feeling numb to the simple joys of life. We also explored how truth telling, even when it's uncomfortable, plays a powerful role in healing from betrayal and and breaking free from these addictive cycles. Today, we're diving deeper into something I get asked about all the can serial cheaters really change?
And just as importantly, is sex addiction a real issue or simply an excuse used to justify cheating? In this episode, it isn't just about understanding what drives repeated infidelity. It's about supporting you, whether you're the one who's been betrayed and left reeling, or or you're the one struggling with a pattern of cheating and want to break free. We'll look at the psychology, the addiction side, and what real change actually looks like.
And if you're looking ahead, next week's episode will be about loving a partner who's struggling with depression. I'll be sharing how to support them without burning out or losing yourself in the process. So make sure you subscribe so you don't miss it or any of the future episodes designed to help you heal, reconnect, and thrive in your relationships. For now, let's talk about chronic infidelity, the kind that doesn't stop after apologies.
The kind where betrayal becomes a repeated pattern despite promises to change, and how, more often than not, it's tied to something deeper that most people are too ashamed to talk about, like sex addiction or a compulsive need for validation, attention and admiration to feel worthy or alive. Chronic infidelity is very different from situational cheating. Situational cheating usually happens in a moment of vulnerability during a time of stress, grief, alcohol use or deep emotional disconnection.
It's a one time event that shocks both people in the relationship and doesn't align with the person's usual values. But chronic infidelity, that's a pattern, a compulsion, a repeated behaviour that doesn't stop even after serious consequences. These individuals often have multiple affairs over the course of their relationships or they maintain secret parallel lives for years. They may cry, beg for forgiveness and make promises, but somehow they always end up back in the same place.
And many of them aren't just cheating. They're battling something deeper, like sex addiction or a compulsive need to feel alive and happy from getting validation and attention. In my work with individuals struggling with repeated infidelity, I've seen certain themes come up again and again. They often reveal unresolved trauma, emotional wounds or compulsive patterns rooted in shame, fear and disconnection.
Many serial cheaters describe a need for the adrenaline rush, the secrecy, the danger of getting caught, the novelty. This can act as a powerful escape from monotony, stress or inner emptiness. They're not just looking for pleasure, they're looking for a hit, a distraction, a rush. And this is where sex addiction often begins. Not with the sex itself, but with a craving for intensity and escape. Others cheat to avoid closeness. They panic when things get too vulnerable.
True intimacy feels terrifying, so they sabotage it with surface level affairs. Keeping relationships shallow allows them to maintain control and avoid being hurt. But over time, it also prevents them from ever feeling truly connected or safe. Chronic cheaters often have unresolved emotional wounds that go all the way back to childhood. These may include feeling neglected, abandoned or only receiving love when they performed in a certain way.
Being good, being successful, being quiet, being helpful, or even being the clown, the joker, the one that makes mum and dad laugh or mum and dad happy. In these environments, love may have felt conditional, unpredictable or even unsafe. So as adults, they subconsciously seek ways to prove that they're lovable and important. For many, cheating becomes a way to feel temporarily seen, wanted and significant. It's not just about the physical act.
It's the emotional high of someone choosing them, desiring them and admiring them. In that moment, they feel worthy. They feel like they matter. It gives them A false sense of power and value. But the relief never lasts. The emptiness always returns. So they chase that feeling again. Another affair, another conversation, another. Another person to impress. And what they're really doing, without even realizing it, is trying to fill an internal void with the external attention.
They keep reaching for something outside of themselves to make them feel okay inside. This is why one affair often leads to another and why so many chronic cheaters feel out of control. Because the problem isn't really about the other person. It's about the pain that they haven't yet healed. And until they turn inward to face that hurt, no amount of attention or admiration will ever feel like enough. They need the next hit and the next hit.
Many people that have come to me for support with this share with me that they feel down, they feel depressed, they don't feel like themselves when they don't have any external validation and attention. When they've given up their affair, partners or cheating habits, they actually experience life as dull, boring, and they feel flat. And that's because of the inner work that is needed.
Some individuals with narcissistic tendencies cheat because they feel entitled to more more attention, admiration or sexual variety. And that's different from those cheating because of that internal void. Although narcissists can also have low self esteem and an internal void, narcissists often lack empathy and struggle to recognize the emotional devastation that they cause. For them, cheating is not about escaping loneliness.
It's about maintaining a fantasy self image or soothing a fragile ego. While it's important to understand why chronic cheating happens, it's equally important to name what it does to the person on the receiving end. Being repeatedly betrayed can feel like an emotional whiplash. Your nervous system doesn't know what's real anymore. You may find yourself constantly questioning your memory, your instincts, your worth.
You might become hyper vigilant, checking phones, obsessing over signs, experiencing triggers even in moments of calm, or feeling emotionally numb, disconnected or deeply unsafe. This isn't being dramatic. This is trauma. Repeated betrayal erodes trust not only in your partner, but in yourself. And when that's coupled with gaslighting or minimization, it didn't mean anything. You're overreacting. You're too sensitive. It's harmless.
It can lead to betrayal trauma, which affects your mind, body and ability to feel emotionally grounded. Healing isn't just about whether the cheetah changes. It's also about you having the tools, space and support to process what's happened and to rebuild your inner safety. Sex addiction can also be at the Root of chronic cheating Sex addiction is not about enjoying sex or having a high libido. It's about using sex compulsively to escape pain, regulate emotions or cope with stress.
Just like someone might use alcohol, drugs or gambling, people struggling with sex addiction often find themselves trapped in obsessive sexual thoughts or fantasies. They may feel unable to control their impulses, whether it's watching pornography, engaging in affairs or seeking out one time encounters. This leads to a painful cycle of secrecy, shame and regret. Over time, the behaviour tends to escalate, becoming riskier and more damaging.
Despite facing serious consequences like relationship breakdowns, legal trouble, financial trouble or even losing their job, they often continue the behaviour because the compulsion feels too strong to stop. Sex addiction doesn't always look the way people expect it to. It can also show up inside relationships, not just outside of them. I've worked with many men who couldn't fall asleep without sex every night, or who pressured their partners for intimacy more than two times a day.
While some people might think of this as just a high sex drive, it was actually something deeper. These men were using sex like a coping mechanism, like others might use food, alcohol or scrolling on their phones. It was their way of calming down, avoiding their feelings or proving themselves that they were wanted. They didn't just want sex, they needed it to feel okay.
One man admitted that he couldn't go anywhere without mentally undressing almost every woman he walked past, instantly imagining them naked before he even registered what was happening. Another client told me how he masturbated in the office bathrooms up to three to six times a day, just to get through the stress and anxiety of his work. This act wasn't about pleasure, it was about coping. Then there was a man who cheated, not only on his wife, but on his affair partner as well.
He regularly visited massage parlors and tested how far he could push the boundaries. It wasn't about sex, it was about power. He confessed that what really drove him wasn't the sex itself, but the feeling of control and power he got from seeing if he could get different massage therapists to cross boundaries with him. It became a kind of game, a way to prove to himself that he was desirable, persuasive and in charge. And it wasn't just about whether they said yes.
He wanted them to like him, be drawn to him, and to feel something for him that made him feel wanted, admired and important. It was a way to escape what he felt was a monotonous, boring life and work stress. It was a way to feed a part of him that constantly questioned his own worth. And I've heard similar stories from women too. People who join dating apps not to find connection, but to prove that they're still hot, still desirable, and still able to hook someone.
They flirt, lead others on, sometimes sleep with them, and often after. They feel empty and lose interest the moment they get that validation that they were after. It's not the act itself that they're craving, it's the chase. While sex addiction might seem like an obsession with sex itself, it's usually not about the physical act at all. It's. It's the vehicle used to feel seen, desired, powerful or in control.
It becomes a way to boost self esteem, to feel an inner emptiness, or to avoid feeling difficult emotions. In that way, it's no different from someone who turns to plastic surgery or constantly tweaks their appearance to feel worthy and get attention. Or someone who becomes obsessed with making money not for financial security, but to feel important, admired and respected. It's not really about sex.
It's about the obsession, the fixation, the belief that if I get this, I'll feel good or I need this to feel alive, to feel like myself. All of these examples, whether driven by validation, power or escape, have one thing in common. They're fueled by the brain's reward system. And that's where dopamine comes in.
I shared in the previous episodes on dopamine addiction that it's not often not the reward that brings the strongest chemical high is the anticipation of the reward, the fantasy, the idea that something exciting is just around the corner. That's what lights up the brain's reward center. That's what becomes addictive. Sex addiction, like all behavioral addictions, is complicated and often misunderstood. It's not just about physical desire.
It's about a compulsive need to escape escape boredom, stress, shame, insecurity, emotional pain, and sometimes even success. And the ways it shows up can look very different from person to person. For some, it means constantly pressurizing a partner for sex to feel secure and needed and wanted. For others, it's compulsive, sexting endlessly scrolling dating apps or chasing strangers online for attention.
And in more extreme cases, it leads to living a double life, juggling secret affairs or hidden behaviours that their partner knows nothing about. In most of the cases I've worked with, whether it's chronic cheating sex addiction or another form of compulsive behavior, there's almost always something deeper beneath the surface. A wound that was never healed, a pain that was never acknowledged or spoken out loud. Often it's an identity built around performance and external validation.
Trying to feel good enough by being admired, desired or achieving more. And that's something we have to explore if true healing is going to happen now. You and your partner might be listening to this thinking, Nicola. That doesn't resonate with me at all. I had a happy childhood. My parents were loving. I never struggled to make friends or attract romantic partners. I don't relate to the idea of having deep emotional wounds. And if that's the case, honestly, that's wonderful. Positive.
Early life experiences are a gift. People with happy upbringings and emotional support can still find themselves stuck in the loop of addiction and unwanted behavioural patterns. I see it all the time. Men and women who are bright, healthy, accomplished and emotionally intelligent. And yet they're caught in patterns of compulsive behavior. They can't seem to stop. That's where what Dr. Anna Lembeck describes as the plenty paradox comes in.
It's a concept that explains how, in today's world, the more access we have to pleasurable things like food, sex, social media, shopping, entertainment, the less pleasure we actually feel. We become overstimulated. Our brain's reward system adapts by reducing our sensitivity to dopamine, the chemical that makes us feel good. As a result, what once gave us a sense of joy or satisfaction now feels dull or meaningless. In other words, the more we indulge, the more numb we become. So what do we do?
We chase more. We seek more stimulation, more intensity, more novelty. More of everything just to feel something. And this leads to a cycle of emotional depletion, burnout and addiction. Despite having plenty, we're left feeling worse, not better. And that's why I say addiction isn't always about trauma. Sometimes it's about overstimulation. Sometimes it's about chasing too many highs and ending up emotionally flat.
I work with many people who come to me feeling ashamed, confused or broken, when in reality, they're caught in this very paradox. They've grown up in loving homes, but the constant pursuit of pleasure, success, attention or validation has dulled their ability to feel genuinely satisfied. They've lost touch with the quieter, more sustainable forms of joy. Just like substance addiction, chronic cheating and sex addiction require a structured recovery process.
The most effective healing I've seen comes from a multi layered approach. First, we work towards abstinence, pausing the compulsive behavior so the nervous system can start to reset. Then we shift the mindset, letting go of the obsessive thought patterns and beginning to challenge the beliefs driving the addiction. For many, this includes trauma healing.
While not everyone initially recognizes trauma in their story, I'd say more than 80% of the people I support eventually discover emotional pain or unmet needs that were influencing their behavior all along. We also focus on building emotional resilience. Learning how to handle triggers, discomfort and vulnerable moments without turning to destructive habits. And accountability is key. Real transformation happens when people feel supported, but also challenged to grow beyond their old patterns.
When someone is truly willing to get honest, do the deeper emotional work and to face what they've been avoiding. Healing is not only possible, it's powerful. And it doesn't just change their behavior, it changes how they feel about themselves, their relationships and their place in the world. Now, if you or someone you love is struggling with compulsive cheating or sex addiction, I want you to know that there is a path forward and it doesn't rely on willpower alone or surface level fixes.
This kind of transformation I've witnessed and experienced myself comes from deep lasting change. With over 20 years of experience helping individuals worldwide heal from addiction, trauma, emotional pain, I offer a comprehensive, supportive and practical approach to recovery. My method addresses the emotional, mental, physical and behavioral layers of addiction, making it possible to break free and experience a life filled with peace, joy and real connection.
But beyond my professional experience, my passion for this work is personal. I know what it's like to feel stuck in self destructive cycles. For years I wrestled with my own addictive patterns. Overworking emotional eating and using alcohol to numb myself every night, numb my thoughts and feel relaxed. To quiet the pressure that I felt inside, the pressure that I was putting on myself to be successful. It was how I coped, how I rewarded myself, how I disconnected from what I didn't want to feel.
Eventually I realized that these habits were keeping me from myself. They weren't soothing me, they were silencing me. Each morning I'd often wake up feeling fed up, tired, and yet would find myself engaging in the same behavior again and again and having the same obsessive thoughts because I just didn't know any better. But I did know that I needed change. Therapy, at least in the beginning, didn't help me. In fact, it often led me feeling more stuck and frustrated.
Sometimes I even felt worse, like I was just talking in circles and being reminded of everything that I couldn't fix. I didn't need someone nodding at me and asking what I thought. I needed something deeper. What actually helped me heal was emotional release work. Somatic therapy tools to calm my obsessive thoughts and someone I could check in with someone who really understood.
That's what allowed me to connect with my body, shift the way I thought and finally release the emotional pain that I'd been carrying for years. That's why I guide others with a method that goes beyond just talking, because I've walked that path myself. I help people release the emotional pain behind the addiction using a combination of somatic therapy and subconscious belief work and practical strategies.
We work on calming the nervous system, resetting the body through supportive lifestyle shifts, and reprogramming the mind so that old beliefs like I need this to cope no longer run the show. Along the way, I offer real world tools to handle cravings, emotional triggers and daily decisions so you're not just avoiding the behavior, but building a life where you no longer need it.
This can be done in one to one sessions online or for a more powerful reset, I offer a private healing retreat in Asia where you can immerse yourself in the full process, including, if you choose, guided plant medicine ceremonies. These retreats offer a safe, sacred space to let go of the past and reconnect with who you really are. Healing is possible, real change is possible and you don't have to go through it alone.
If this speaks to you, send me an email or WhatsApp message and we can explore what the best next step might be for your healing journey. You can reach out to me through my website, nicolabeer.com and I'll also put the link in the the show notes One thing I often get asked is, isn't sex addiction just a cop out? Are they using it as an excuse to avoid responsibility or to gain sympathy, or to manipulate me? It's a fair question, especially if you've been on the receiving end of betrayal.
You might have heard your partner say, I have a problem, I'm a sex addict. And part of you wonders, are they being genuine or are they just trying to get out of the consequences? Sex addiction is a recognized behavioural addiction. It involves the compulsive pursuit of sexual activity or stimulation despite harmful consequences.
It's often rooted in emotional overwhelm, what we call dysregulated emotions, where feelings like anxiety, shame or loneliness become so intense that the person doesn't know how to manage them in a healthy way. Add that to past trauma and changes in the brain's reward system and sex addiction can start to mirror other addictions like gambling or drug use. But just like any diagnosis or label, it can be misused.
Some people do hide behind the term sex addiction as a way to Avoid accountability, whether it's to gain sympathy, keep a partner from leaving or delay facing the full weight of their actions. That's why it's so important to look at what comes next. Is the person actually getting help or just saying the words?
Saying I'm a sex addict means nothing if they're not seeking qualified professional treatment, if they're still lying, gaslighting or blaming, or if they're unwilling to explore the possible root causes of their behaviour and they expect you to do the emotional labor while they continue the same pattern. True recovery is uncomfortable. It requires radical honesty, deep humility, facing shame without collapsing into it and giving up secrecy, denial and control.
So, yes, some people absolutely misuse the term as a way to dodge their weight of their choices. But for others, admitting that they have a sex addiction is the most courageous and humiliating thing they've ever done. It's not a way to escape pain, it's a surrender to it. That's why it's so important not to just listen to the label someone gives themselves, but to watch. What do they do with it? Saying I'm a sex addict doesn't mean anything at all if there's no meaningful action behind it.
Are they truly seeking help from a qualified professional? Are they being transparent about their behaviour? Are they doing the hard, uncomfortable work of unpacking their past and taking full ownership of the harm that they've caused? Real recovery doesn't look like excuses, it looks like humility. It looks like being consistent, uncomfortable and committed for the long haul. It. It looks like showing patience for your pain, not rushing you to get over it.
And it includes making space for your healing, not just their own. So if you're in a relationship with someone who has cheated more than once, you're probably walking a very difficult line between hope and heartbreak. One minute they're apologizing, the next minute you're catching them in a lie. It's confusing, disorientating and exhausting. And it may feel impossible to know what to trust. And that's why boundaries are so important. Not as a punishment, but as protection.
Boundaries are how you communicate what is and what isn't acceptable for your emotional safety. And they help you stop bleeding energy into a relationship that isn't respecting your needs. Here are a few boundaries you might consider if you're with someone who's cheated multiple times. First, insist on transparency. This could mean asking them to give up secrecy, be open about past behaviours, or share access to accounts if needed to rebuild trust.
You may also want to create space to Pause the relationship dynamic, whether that's sleeping separately, reducing emotional physical intimacy, or taking some time apart to reflect. Make therapy a non negotiable. Real change doesn't happen without committed professional support. Clearly state your emotional limits, letting them know gaslighting, blame shifting or emotional manipulation will not be tolerated. And finally, set a timeline for progress. You don't have to wait indefinitely.
Give yourself permission to expect real, measurable effort so you can make decisions from a place of clarity and self respect. And most importantly, look after yourself. When you've been betrayed through repeated cheating, your nervous system often shifts into survival mode, a state where your body and brain are constantly on high alert. It's the same instinctive reaction we experience during danger or trauma. You might feel anxious, high, hypervigilant, numb or unable to relax.
You may overthink and question everything, or feel stuck in a cycle of emotional ups and downs. This isn't you being too sensitive, it's your nervous system trying to protect you from further pain. In survival mode, your body is prioritizing safety over calm, scanning for signs that you might be hurt again. And that's why betrayal affects more than just your mind. It impacts your sleep, digestion, focus and ability to feel grounded or connected.
Part of healing is gently helping your nervous system feel safe again through rest, emotional support, self care, and being around people who make you feel secure. So focus on calming your body, reconnecting with your sense of truth, and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel safe, heard and grounded. This might look like journaling, breath work, meditation therapy, time in nature, limiting technology, time or contact with people that drain your energy.
You don't have to make any final decisions today, but you do deserve space to feel again, to think clearly, and to come back to you. If you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make decisions. If you're struggling to get clarity, if you're feeling overwhelmed with the emotional rollercoaster that being cheated on can bring, then you might want to check out my Betrayed Breakthrough workbook.
It includes short meditations to boost your self worth, calm your nervous system, and reflective exercises to help you explore your relationship and find clarity about your next steps. You can find the link in the show notes and if you're the one who has been unfaithful and you're listening to this, please know that you're not beyond help. But change doesn't come from self pity or avoidance.
It starts with facing the truth, getting the right kind of support, and committing to healing not just for your partner, but for your own peace of mind and future. So can serial cheaters change? So can serial cheaters change. Yes, I've helped countless men and women do exactly that. But it only happens when they're truly ready to go deep. Real change isn't about saying the right things. It's about understanding why the cheating happened in the first place.
It means confronting the parts of themselves they've hidden away, the parts that feel ashamed, out of control, or overwhelmed by emotion. It means reshaping their entire relationship with intimacy, honesty, and self worth. And that kind of change doesn't happen overnight. It takes radical honesty, it takes consistency, and it takes doing the inner work that no one else can do for them. But it's possible. And if you're holding on to hope, just make sure that you're holding onto yourself too.
In the next episode, I'll be talking about something just as important. Loving a Depressed Partner if someone you love is struggling with depression, anxiety, addictions, or burnout and you're doing your best to be there for them, this episode is for you. I'll be sharing how to support them without sacrificing your own mental and emotional health. How to help without burning out or losing yourself in the process.
So if that speaks to you or you know someone who needs to hear it, make sure you subscribe to the show so that you don't miss it. And if today's episode has helped you in any way, I'd be so grateful if you would leave a rating or review. It helps others find this place and it also helps me know what kind of episodes that you're enjoying. What topics are you finding valuable. So if you could leave any comments that would be so, so appreciated. Until next time, take great care of yourself.
And remember, healing is always possible. We all have an inner healer in us. We just need sometimes to give it the right direction. Visit nicolabeer.com gift for free valuable resources designed to support you Whether you're looking to revive your relationship, break free from unhealthy patterns, rebuild your confidence, or heal after a breakup, everything you need to create the love life that you deserve is there waiting for you. I truly appreciate you being here.
If there's a topic you would like me to cover on this podcast, or if you're interested in working with me one to one online or attending a healing retreat in Asia, I'd love to hear from you. My contact details are on my [email protected] and if you have a burning question or just need some guidance, come and join our warm and welcoming Facebook community. It's a safe, supportive space where members share valuable insights and I also answer your anonymous relationship questions.
To join us, simply visit nicolabeer.com or and all the links I've shared today will be in the show. Notes from my heart to yours. Take care and I look forward to connecting with you again soon.