Friends. Isn't it fascinating how relationships bring us immense joy but also profound heartache? There are dance of emotions yet how often do we truly, deeply, consciously invest in the relationship we have with ourselves and loved ones? That investment, that time and that energy is the most powerful gift in you could ever bestow upon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us a manual on handling emotions and communication challenges, we also weren't taught the art of building romantic ties or how to deeply love and value ourselves. But I'm here to share more life affirming, relationship enhancing wisdom with you all. And now you can also find this transformational content pouring onto YouTube and Instagram. Dive into the show notes to connect with all the magic. Here's for growth, love and endless learning. Hi and welcome.
I'm Nicola Beer and today I'm going to be talking about attachment styles 5 essential facts to transform and strengthen your relationships Attachment is the invisible force shaping how we connect with others. It starts in infancy, rooted in our early experiences with caregivers and forms a foundation for how we navigate love, trust and emotional connection throughout life. This blueprint affects how we understand relationships, how we express our needs and how we respond to others behaviours.
From the moment we're born, attachment plays a crucial role in our survival. It drives us to seek safety, nourishment and emotional support. These interactions create a lifelong internal model of relationships influencing how we perceive love, reliability and care. Understanding attachment styles offers insight into our own behaviour and emotions whilst also providing the tools to build stronger, healthier relationships.
By exploring these five essential facts, you'll gain clarity about your attachment style and learn how to use this knowledge to foster deeper connections and and personal growth. Before diving into the five essential facts, let's take a moment to explore the science behind the attachment styles and the different attachment styles. In future episodes I'll delve deeper into each one as understanding these styles can help you develop greater compassion for yourself and those around you.
This awareness can also empower you to make meaningful changes that improve your relationships and overall quality of life. Attachment theory is supported by decades of psychological research. It shows how our early experiences with caregivers create an internal model or mental map for relationships. This attachment system governs our behaviours, emotions and expectations in close relationship.
It explains why we instinctively seek closeness and safety from others and how we react when those needs are unmet. There are four main attachment stones secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. Each one has unique traits, often rooted in childhood, that influence how people relate to partners in adulthood. So I'll just briefly now describe these four attachment styles. Secure Attachment Secure attachment forms when caregivers are consistently responsive, loving and dependable.
Children with this upbringing feel safe and valued, learning to trust others and rely on them for support as adults. Securely attached individuals approach relationships with confidence and emotional stability. They are reliable, consistent, and open to intimacy, communicating effectively and handling conflicts with flexibility. These traits allow them to build healthy, balanced relationships that feel natural and fulfilling. Then there's anxious attachment.
Anxious attachment develops from inconsistent caregiving where a child's needs are met unpredictably, sometimes with love and attention, other times with neglect or dismissal. The inconsistency causes the child to feel uncertain about whether they can rely on the caregiver, leading to a heightened fear of abandonment. As adults, individuals with anxious attachment often seek constant reassurance, overanalyze their partner's actions, and fear rejection.
They may appear clingy or overly preoccupied with their relationships, struggling with emotional highs and lows, and often feeling insecure when they're alone. Then there's the avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment typically arises when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive, causing the child to learn that vulnerability won't be met with care. These children adapt by becoming self reliant and avoiding emotional dependence on others in adulthood.
Avoidantly attached individuals value independence and often resist intimacy, giving mixed signals or avoiding deep emotional conversations. They may appear detached or struggle to address conflicts, making it difficult for them to build trusting relationships despite their outward self sufficiency. And then there's disorganized attachment. Disorganized attachment stems from a combination of fear and confusion.
Often in cases where caregivers are both the source of comfort and fear, such as in an abusive or neglectful environment. These children grow up with conflicting feelings about relationships, wanting closeness but fearing at the same time that it's going to go wrong or they're going to be hurt. As adults, they may experience a push pull dynamic in relationships, exhibiting high emotional reactivity, mistrust, and difficulty maintaining stability.
This attachment style is often associated with unresolved trauma, making relationships feel tumultuous and unpredictable. I've been helping people break free from their attachment patterns for years because this work is very personal to me. I used to have a disorganized attachment style where I would swing between feeling anxious and avoidant in relationships. My behavior would be hot and cold and I'd have positive thoughts and then negative thoughts about the person that I was dating.
I'd start by thinking that at the beginning they were a great match. They were truly into me. I thought they were wonderful, but then I'd doubt and question everything. Growing up, my mother was abusive and aggressive at times, but then loving. One of the times that she was most loving was when I was sick. And I remember going through a period where I was about 8 or 9, where I was constantly sent home, being sick.
And I remember my mum writing a letter that I was to give to the headmaster, saying, is there any problems at school? Because Nicola seems fine, but she keeps coming home to be sick. And I'm not sure I really processed it back then, but now I can see that I just wanted my mum's love and care and attention. And if you were ill, you got really special treatment. You were allowed to sit in the lounge with her, you were given toast and lemonade and you were just treated so kindly.
My father was unavailable a lot of the time, but when he was there and when my mum was working, he gave us the most amazing times, full of love interest in us, so much fun, playing music, playing games, eating chips and eggs and just. It was just so chilled out and fun. Unfortunately, though, he eventually left when I was 13. So for me, trusting in intimate relationships was incredibly hard because my mind became hyper aware of everything, Hyper aware of, who is this person? Can I trust them?
I'd replay conversations over and over when I got back from a date or time with my partner. I'd be wondering, what did they mean when they said that and is that a bit risky because they've said this or they've done that? It was horrible. But I will say that it wasn't a choice. It was how I learned to survive as a child. As a child, I had to assess my mother's mood every time I entered the house.
I had to decide if it was safe to be near her or if I should hide in my room because I get shouted at or hit. This strategy protected me back then, but in my adult relationships it was a disaster. I didn't choose these patterns, just as I didn't choose adhd. When my mother was shouting, threatening or hurting me, I escaped the pain by retreating into my mind, distracting myself and daydreaming. It helped me to cope.
It helped me to cope in those moments, but over time, it scattered my focus and made it hard for me to stay present. The good news is, though, that these patterns can change. Once you understand the survival strategies you developed, you can adapt them into healthier ways of thinking and behaving with compassion for yourself and the experiences that you've been through. It's possible to refocus your energy and create new habits that serve you better.
Today, I help people free themselves from these patterns every single week. It's the most rewarding work I do. We don't have to be prisoners of our past. The past doesn't always have to define our present. My story is just one example of how early experiences shape our attachment styles. But why do these patterns form in the first place? To understand that, we need to look at the foundational needs of children and how they influence our emotional development.
At the core of what children need most is a sense of connection that feels safe and secure. Togetherness isn't just important for survival. It's the driving force behind how humans thrive. Decades of research show that humans aren't just driven simply to survive. We're driven to stay connected. And this bond, called attachment, is especially crucial when a child feels threatened or unsafe. The biggest threat a child can face is separation. It creates trauma.
Even worse, when the source of connection itself, like a caregiver, becomes a threat, it can then be devastating. The goal is to provide a kind of togetherness that feels steady and safe without the fear of it being taken away. It's not just about being physically present for a child, but staying emotionally connected in a way that nothing can break. Nothing can break that togetherness. Nothing's going to change that connection between you and a parent.
Another key need for children is the ability to process and feel their emotions. Feelings are not the same as emotions. They're our way of understanding what's happening inside. Children need safe spaces to experience and express these feelings. This can happen in two ways. Through nurturing relationships or by having emotional playgrounds where they can explore their feelings freely. The third critical need a child is rest. Growth doesn't come from consistent effort.
It comes from moments of true rest. This includes rest from the work of staying connected or seeking attachment. When children feel fully safe and secure in their relationships, they can relax. And that's when they grow the most. So if they're not having that rest, if they constantly feel they need to keep on attaching to the parent because they're worried that it's not safe or it's going to go away, then the child isn't resting. And finally, play. Play is essential.
True play, especially those in emotional playgrounds, is where children really blossom. Play isn't just fun. It's a form of active rest that fuels emotional and developmental growth. When children are deprived of opportunities for free and creative play, they can struggle emotionally and developmentally. To sum up children's foundation needs.
They are 1 safe and secure togetherness 2 a chance to recover and process their feelings in a supportive environment three rest from constant effort for attachment and four plenty of opportunities for meaningful play. These needs identified by Gordon Newsfield's work provide the foundation for children to grow, thrive, and reach their potential. I highly recommend you check out Gordon Neufeld's work. Fascinating, especially if you're parents.
So now let's explore the five essential facts that are important for you to know about attachment styles. Your attachment style is an adaptive strategy, not a dysfunction. Your attachment style isn't a flaw or a sign of dysfunction. As a child, you develop strategies to meet your needs based on the environment and expectations around you. These strategies were essential for survival and worked well in adulthood.
However, as an adult in intimate relationships, some of these behaviors might not serve you as effectively. Understanding this can help you approach the attachment styles with compassion for yourself and others. For example, if your parents didn't accept or couldn't handle your emotions as a child, you might have learned that in order to survive, you need to repress your feelings and that emotional expression isn't safe.
30, 40, 50 years ago, maybe even before, it was common for parents to say things like stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about or Children should be seen and not heard. Such statements, especially when repeated or matched with actions, can be deeply damaging and lead children to grow up believing that they need to hide their true feelings and put on a Persona that is accepted in adult relationships.
They may struggle to express themselves, fear emotional conversations, and repress their authentic self. So their attachment style of avoiding confrontation and emotional expression as an adult is a coping mechanism that was learned early on and helped the child survive. But as an adult in relationships, it doesn't serve them well.
A different example can be where a child grows up in a household where the parents are extremely busy and preoccupied with either work, other responsibilities, 10 taking care of somebody else or something else, or going through their own life struggles. Due to this, the caregivers may have gone between being really attentive and then emotionally unavailable, leaving the child in a state of uncertainty, unsure whether their needs would be met or not.
On some days, the child cries for comfort were answered with love and affection. They cried and they got loads of attention straight away, and then on other days those same cries were ignored or dismissed. To adapt to this unpredictability, the child learned strategies to ensure that they received attention when it was available. This might have included heightened emotional expressions, clinging behavior, or even acting out, acting out in whatever way that child could to get some attention.
These strategies were not flaws, but necessary tools for survival in an environment where the child couldn't rely on consistent care. As an adult, this individual might carry these same strategies into their intimate relationships. They may feel anxious or insecure when they perceive even the slightest signs of emotional distance from their partner. For example, if their partner doesn't reply to a text right away or seems distracted or tired, they might start to worry Did I do something wrong?
Are they upset with me? What if they don't care or love me as much as I do? What if they've gone off me? In an effort to re establish connection, they might seek constant reassurance, overanalyze interactions or act in ways that unintentionally create tension, such as becoming overly clingy, needy or emotionally reactive. These behaviours stem from a fear of abandonment and a deep seated need for security. Rooted in their early experiences.
It's important to understand that these behaviours were once adaptive. They helped the individual secure attention and care in a challenging environment. These patterns were survival strategies in childhood and they served a vital purpose at that time. However, in adult relationships they might not be as effective, often leading to stress, tension and misunderstandings. Recognising that attachment styles are not personal flaw, but an adaptive response to past experiences can be transformative.
This understanding allows individuals to approach their behaviors with compassion and work towards developing healthier strategies for communication and emotional regulation. With effort they can learn to trust their relationships and themselves, fostering a sense of security that wasn't consistently available in the past. That brings me to fact two Attachment styles are not permanent. While attachment styles may feel ingrained, they're not fixed.
With awareness and intentional effort you can develop what's called an earned secure attachment. This means that you can learn healthier ways to connect, communicate and foster intimacy. Growth and healing are possible, especially when engaging in supportive relationships or therapeutic processes. In the breakthrough process I take individuals and couples through, we focus on understanding the root cause of their attachment style and the behaviors they develop to cope.
Revisiting the past to learn from it, not dwell in it helps people to become free from their patterns as long as they explore it with self, love and compassion. We also focus on growing confidence in the areas that are unfamiliar to a person. For example, helping someone express their feelings or tell the truth even though they may experience rejection.
For those who tend to be anxious, growing confidence in themselves to trust others and get comfortable being alone, as well as how to release any negative thoughts so they don't Control their behaviors and moods. The third fact is attachment styles are influenced by relationships. Your attachment style is not static. It can shift depending on the dynamics of your relationships. Different partners may bring out different aspects of your attachment tendencies.
The interplay creates a dance where both parties attachment styles influence each other. Understanding this dynamic can help you navigate relationships with greater awareness. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style Might feel secure in a relationship where their partner is consistent, emotionally available, and communicative. However, if they date someone who has an avoidant attachment style, Their anxieties can intensify.
For example, the anxious partner may overanalyze delayed texts or perceive that their partner's need for space is a rejection. In response, they may seek constant reassurance or become clingy and needy, Trying to close the perceived emotional gap. Sadly, I see people with an anxious attachment style fall for narcissists like I used to because the love bombing can give a false sense of security.
But then, after the narcissist has got you in their grip, they can then default to selfish and controlling behaviors that leave you feeling triggered and even becoming needy and giving them more love when really they don't deserve it. You want to be giving your love and attention where it's reciprocal. Of course, it doesn't have to be exactly equally measured. You want to be in a relationship where you really feel safe, secure, loved, wanted, and protected.
Now, sometimes you can be triggered in a relationship not because there's anything negative happening or because your partner is the opposite to you, but because you really love them. You really see a future with them. You're so excited about a life together, and because of that, the risks are higher. For example, Sara, that I worked with had major trust issues with her partner. She came to me because she knew that she was acting irrational, but couldn't help herself.
She felt threatened because she caught him looking at other women when they went out to shopping malls, restaurants, and tennis lessons, and it was making her question their recent engagement. She had never loved someone as much as him and never been with someone as friendly and as sociable as him. So it was a major trigger for her. She had had previous relationships before but didn't feel anxious or stressed. But in this relationship, she was constantly worried.
It brought up a lot of her childhood trauma and fear of abandonment, and therefore the same coping mechanisms she she had as a child came up. She would threaten to end the relationship, question his every move, question his every glance, and it was exhausting for them both. It also led to her partner, Adele, to become more avoidant Zara and I worked together to calm her anxiety and panic to realize that she isn't as vulnerable as she was back then when she was a child.
As a child she was separated from her mother and lived with her father and grandparents. We looked at how she survived then and how she could vary her responses now that she was older. Then I had sessions with Adele to adapt his behaviour so that he wasn't unintentionally triggering her as his attachment style was just naturally to be avoided, especially when he felt pushed and trapped.
As a couple, we discussed how to handle incidents where Zara perceived Adele was staring at other women and ways to emotionally regulate and self soothe. On the other hand as well, a person with an attachment style that is avoidant might feel comfortable with a partner who respects their needs for independence and communicates in a calm, non intrusive way.
However, if paired with someone with an anxious attachment style, the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed by their partner's frequent requests for reassurance or closeness. To protect their sense of autonomy, they might withdraw further, creating even more distance in a relationship. They might be really triggered if they're asked where they are, where they're going and what they're doing.
So they answer less and they become more secretive just to protect their own sense of identity and independence. This dynamic often creates a cycle. The anxious partner's pursuit of closeness can trigger the avoidant partner's need for distance, which in turn increases the anxious partner's insecurities. So they ask for even more reassurance or start checking up on their partner asking them more questions, which leads to more walls to be put up by the avoidant.
This push pull pattern highlights how attachment styles influence each other and the relationship as a whole. Understanding this interplay can help both partners approach the relationship with greater awareness and empathy. For instance, the anxious partner can work on self soothing and expressing needs calmly, while the avoidant partner can practice being more emotionally present and open to intimacy, especially when they can see their partner's anxious behaviour.
Recognizing and addressing these patterns can transform the relationship into a healthier, more balanced connection. So fact four is that attachment styles are shaped by many factors, not just parenting. While parenting plays a major role in shaping attachment, other factors can contribute as well. The first is temperament. Some babies are naturally more adaptable or sensitive.
Most people know by the time they reach adulthood if they're more sensitive to things than their friends or their partner. It's important to recognize that there is in fact a gene for sensitivity. If you're a sensitive person Then you're more likely to feel your emotions. And that vulnerability can lead to feeling things more or putting up barriers and becoming defensive to avoid being hurt.
The good thing about being sensitive is that you can also be more positively influenced too and adapt and learn new ways to respond. Then there's family dynamics, parental stress, satisfaction in relationships and mental health issues can all influence attachment. There's social support, so a strong social support network or lack thereof can affect the child's sense of safety and stability.
Then there's environmental factors, so financial strain, exposure to caregiving outside the home, being bullied or left out at school, and other external stresses for a child can also affect their attachment styles. And I hope throughout all of this it's really clear that I'm not in the business or interest in making parents bad or wrong. Everyone's doing the best that they can with the emotional resources and capabilities that they have at that time.
I have a great relationship with both my parents now, and that's because I've done all the healing and all the work that I've done because my mum was just so stressed having five children, four of us only two years apart, not having much money, my dad being in and out of work. She had a lot of mental health struggles. She has been diagnosed only 15 years ago with bipolar. And she just didn't have any way to cope.
And my dad would say to her to go to the doctors, but she was so scared of going to the doctors back then because she believed that we'd be all be taken away from her and that she'd be exposed as a bad parent and she couldn't face losing us. So, you know, it's so important to, yes, look at, okay, why am I the way that I am in relationships? And where does this come from?
It's not to do it in a way where you're going to fall out with your parents or you're going to feel angry for a long period of time. You might go through some periods of anger, but it's just recognizing it. And some people are too scared to recognize it. There's such a denial because they feel like if they acknowledge their childhood then they will be disrespecting their parents or they're not being kind to their parents. Whereas really it's just looking at, wow, why am I the way that I am?
Where does this come from? And once I look at it, then I have the power to change it. And the last thing I want to share about this is fact five Attachment styles are survival patterns, attachment behaviors Are rooted in our innate need for safety, connection, and emotional regulation. When these needs aren't met consistently or safely, they shape how we approach our relationships.
Our early experiences teach us what to expect from people, from others, Influencing our ability to trust, depend, and connect. Overcoming deeply ingrained patterns Tied to trauma and attachment Is challenging Because these responses Are hardwired Into both our psychology and neurology. When the brain encounters triggers that resemble past experiences, it instinctively reenacts the adaptations that once ensured survival. This is more than a conscious choice.
It's an automatic response Embedded in the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain. These patterns, rooted in survival, Are difficult to release because the subconscious mind clings to what once kept us safe, Even if it no longer serves us in the present. The challenge is not just understanding these patterns, but but untangling their grip on our life. Trauma often makes us prisoners of the past, Limiting our ability to fully engage in the present moment.
Effective therapy, therefore, needs to bring people into the present moment. So that a person can actually observe what is happening when they are triggered. And look at alternative ways to respond. Therefore expanding their freedom to choose how they respond. So they can meet each moment with flexibility, awareness, and choice. So recognizing these patterns were once essential for survival. Can help us to approach them with compassion rather than judgment.
We know that we have healed when we can observe our experiences as they unfold. Without being constrained by predetermined reactions from the past. This is how I help people break free from the cycle of these natural defense mechanisms. It's so important to have compassion for yourself, Realize why and how these patterns came about, and also to have empathy and compassion for your partner.
And then be able to have the tools to pause, Reflect when you're triggered, when you're hurt, and realize, okay, this is coming from this. What am I believing to be true here? What am I feeling? Where am I feeling that in my body? Is this really about this situation? Or is this actually an old pattern coming up? And then looking at how else could I understand the situation? How else can I respond?
Rather than the default pattern, it's about empowering you to have multiple ways to respond and to be really kind and loving to yourself when you are really triggered emotionally. Or when you do feel like screaming or messaging or ending a relationship or whatever it is, whatever your pattern is, or completely withdrawing, going for the silent treatment, avoiding them. These are all patterns that helped you to survive.
So with support, intention, and perseverance, we can move beyond the automatic cycles of the past and step into a life where we're fully present, empowered and free to respond authentically to to what life brings our way. I'm going to create more episodes on attachment Style moving forward, so if you haven't already done so, you might want to get my Self Confidence Toolkit.
This can help you understand your relationship patterns better because it looks at yourself and also has some inner child exercises in there as well. It can help you grow your confidence in making changes that are going to enhance your overall quality of life. So you can find the link in the show notes and you can Also go to nicolabeer.com gift and you will find it there as attachment styles are so important in improving our relationships. Having deeper connection rooted in trust and safety.
I hope that you found this podcast helpful and insightful. If you did enjoy it, I'd be so grateful for a rating or review. And don't forget to subscribe to the show because I'm going to be creating more on this these attachment styles because it's so fascinating of why we do what we do and how to change that and enhance our connection with others. Because life is about connection.
Life is about connection with ourselves, connection with others and the beautiful nature, animals and world around us. So from my heart to yours, wishing you an amazing week ahead. Take great care of yourself and each other. Dear listeners, today I celebrate you. You are among the few who actively nurture their love journey. It's an act of courage, an act of self love and if today's episode resonated with you, be a beacon for others. Subscribe, rate and review.
Let's spread this love and wisdom far and wide, craving more and more. Discover the free [email protected] you can also find the links to helpful gifts in the show notes. Do also join our Relationship and Wellness Facebook group. It's a haven where we uplift, support and journey together towards richer, deeper love stories. Remember, you have the power to craft the love story you deserve. Thank you for being with me today and until next time. Keep shining and loving with all your heart.