Ep. 123: Healing Power Dynamics, Overcoming Judgments and Building Authentic Relationships

It's a big , overwhelming concept when I think about it on a global or societal scale , and I don't know how to shift it on that level . So I ask myself what can I do within my own life , within my relationships ? When in my interactions do I consciously pit myself against someone else ?

When do I frame a disagreement as a me versus them , rather than seeing us as on the same team ? And then I wonder what would it take to change that ? What would it feel like to work together to find common ground ? But here's the hard part how do you do that when you don't feel safe , seen or accepted in your own beliefs ?

Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast , where we celebrate , question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity , from soloramory to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between , because every relationship is as unique as you are .

We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships ? I'm your guide , carrie Jarislow . Bestselling author , speaker , intuitive and coach .

Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become . Relationships can become the cold , and I have never been a good match . When I was applying to colleges , I naturally gravitated towards schools in the Northeast .

Growing up in Maryland , that region felt familiar , but during my search I stumbled upon Florida State University and their communication program . Back in my late teenage years , I had dreams of working in radio . I even interned at a local station . During my senior year of high school , my dad and I visited Tallahassee in the middle of January .

The heavy coat I wore when we left home was quickly shed and I didn't need it until we returned . I still remember that moment so vividly stepping off the plane , feeling the warm , humid air on my skin and catching the tropical scent in the breeze . My body immediately relaxed , as if it already knew this was where I needed to be .

As we toured the campus , I noticed shirtless guys playing volleyball , laughing and flexing in the January sun . I couldn't believe it . This was winter . That experience sealed the deal for me sealed the deal . For me . Warmth , sunshine and greenery were my ideal companions . So fast forward to today , and I still feel that contrast deeply .

When winter approaches , my body slows down almost like it's protesting the cold . My bed feels too inviting to leave in the mornings , and hitting snooze becomes a ritual , just to hold on to that cocoon of warmth for a little bit longer . I've started to wonder if the seasonal shift is my intuition's way of nudging me to slow down .

During the spring , summer and fall , life tends to be a whirlwind . My other business is at its busiest and my responsibilities feel endless . But winter offers something different an opportunity to pause , to go inward . Over the years , I've come to appreciate that the cold , while not my favorite , brings me this gift of introspection and healing .

This winter feels different , though . I'm actually looking forward to cocooning , to setting aside the never-ending task lists and releasing the belief that my worth is tied to productivity . Instead , I'm ready to nurture my inner world . It's a complex space , one that deserves attention and care .

I'm taking time to check in with myself , to ask how am I really doing , how am I feeling , what needs to be released and what am I ready to birth in its place . Sometimes this process leads to tangible ideas , but more often it uncovers deeper patterns and wounds . I want to explore and shift .

I've found that when I'm overwhelmed with what's happening in the world , the best place to start is within . What if the challenges I see outside are reflections of something unresolved inside ? And that's a powerful place to begin . This winter .

I have plenty to investigate , especially with all that's going on in the world , and it all ties into relationships , my relationships , how I show up for others , how I connect with myself and how these dynamics shape my world .

So I thought it would be meaningful and possibly interesting to you to share some of these bigger questions that I'm going to be sitting with , hoping that they spark reflections for you too .

Maybe they'll inspire you to notice something in your own relationships , how they're flowing or where they might need attention in your own relationships , how they're flowing or where they might need attention . I don't have the answers yet , but who knows , maybe in the spring I'll have learned something worth sharing in another episode .

But for now , here are where my thoughts are headed . Okay , let's dive into my first thought . This relates to power and control , specifically power over versus power with . How are they different ? So much of the fear , anger and wounding I see in relationships seem rooted in power dynamics .

The wounded script often says I need to feel more powerful than you to feel good about myself . Says I need to feel more powerful than you to feel good about myself . It's the drive to have more money , a better job , a better relationship and to subtly or overtly show others that we do .

But underneath this power over dynamic , I sense an underlying wound , the feeling of being powerless . It's often unresolved pain from childhood or young adulthood that continues to play out . I've seen this pattern play out firsthand when my kids were younger .

So when my oldest child felt like I was exerting power over him , he tended to turn around and do the same thing to his younger sibling . It's a cycle , a reaction to feeling small or powerless . I also see this in the broader world when I learn about angry wealthy people . Their stories often reveal painful childhoods or bullying experiences .

These unresolved wounds become the fuel for perpetuating cycles of harm . And this dynamic shows up in relationships too , especially within the old paradigm of monogamy .

The narrative of he's mine or she's mine or they're mine carries an air of ownership , echoing the historical roots of monogamy as a form of property control , but that's a topic for a whole other episode . So my question becomes where do I perpetuate this in my own relationships ?

We're conditioned to play out these dynamics , and recognizing that helps me approach this question with compassion and curiosity rather than judgment . This leads me to explore the concept of power over versus power with . Power with feels radically different . It's collaborative , different . It's collaborative , supportive and rooted in mutual empowerment .

It says when we are all empowered , we all rise together . It's the mindset of caring deeply about the other person's well-being while remaining grounded in our own sense of self . It acknowledges that healing our own wounds , the ones that say I need to feel better than you to be okay , is the key to truly authentic relationships .

When I'm in that place of healing and self-confidence , I find I no longer need to compare or compete . Instead , I can focus on what I truly want and trust that , in the right environment , I can live authentically . Power with becomes a natural way of being , and it feels so good , not just to me but to everyone involved .

Now , of course , this isn't always easy . It's a process , a practice , but even in the moments I've experienced it , I can feel the difference . It's freeing , it's healing and it's worth exploring further . So the next big idea I've been exploring and will continue to dive into this winter is agendas , both conscious and unconscious , supportive and coercive .

The Cambridge Dictionary defines agenda in three ways One , a list of matters to be discussed at a meeting . Two , a list of aims or possible future achievements . And three , a secret aim or reason for doing something . When I think about agendas , I see them playing out in the larger world , especially in politics . There's always an agenda .

Sometimes it's clearly stated , but often what's said on the surface doesn't align with the underlying intent . That disconnect gets me thinking about my own relationships . When do I approach someone with an agenda ? Is having an agenda inherently bad or can it be good ?

I'm realizing that when I bring an agenda into my relationships through a conversation or discussion , it often limits what can emerge . There's less space for a genuine discussion or an unexpected solution , one that might be more supportive , collaborative and maybe even magical than anything I could have imagined on my own .

This leads me to another question what's the difference between an agenda that feeds into power over dynamics and something else like an intention that nurtures power with dynamics ? I wonder if agendas , especially the coercive kind , are rooted in fear . Those three definitions of agenda each carry a different energy . The first two seem neutral or even positive .

They're about planning and progress , but the third , having a secret aim , feels manipulative , as though it operates beneath the surface in a way that diminishes trust . So my inquiry becomes how can I , in my relationships , approach situations with the clarity and honesty of the first two definitions , while consciously avoiding the third ?

How can I bring my intentions forward in a way that honors the people I'm relating to , leaving room for collaboration and co-creation ? This is something I'm sitting with , something I want to explore more deeply as I continue to reflect on the dynamics of my relationships and the ways I show up within them .

The next idea I've been reflecting a lot on is judgments , the belief that I am right and that my ideas and perspectives are the correct ones . Judgments are everywhere , saturating our world One person judging another , one group judging another group , one nation judging another nation . And let's be real , I'm not immune , none of us are .

But this is an area I really want to look at and work on . Maybe it's my Libra moon and Libra rising astrological sign , but I often genuinely want to hear and understand everyone's perspective .

I try to step into their shoes and see the world through their lens and many times I can I understand how someone could feel the way they do , even if I don't agree . I live by the belief that you can never fully know what another person has been through , the path they've walked , the pain they've carried .

If we could , I really believe that their choices , beliefs and , yes , even their judgments would make sense . And yet I judge , we all judge . Is this inherent in our culture ? Is it part of being human ? I'm not really sure , but I do believe there's value in doing the work to educate ourselves , to research and to form thoughtful conclusions .

And that's the key difference I've been pondering conclusions versus judgments . Conclusions can be rooted in curiosity and understanding . Judgments , on the other hand , are divisive . They make someone wrong , they separate us and they tie directly into power over dynamics . Judgments are the perfect fuel for that script . I'm right , which means you're wrong .

But here's the thing Judgments will never bring us together . They'll never create the connection , understanding or healing that we so desperately need , and I believe a lot of us really want . So what do we do with them ? I don't think it's realistic to just say don't have judgments . We're human , they're going to happen .

But I do believe we can use our judgments as a tool for self-awareness . But I do believe we can use our judgments as a tool for self-awareness . What if , every time we caught ourselves judging , we paused and asked what's this really about ? What is this reflecting back to me ?

And then , once we've done that inner work , what if we took the next step and asked questions ? No-transcript , because while judgments divide , curiosity and compassion have the power to bring us back together , and here's why this is so important to me .

I believe that , if you dig deep enough into the root of what we all want , it's this we all want to feel safe in our world . We all want to feel like our needs are met and , yes , we may have vastly different ideas of how to get there . But what if we could put our judgments aside and come together in this shared desire ?

What if we could feel safe in who we are , not in what we do or what we produce , but in our authentic selves ? To me , this is the deepest longing to be seen , to be known , to be accepted for the truth of who we are . I don't know if this is fully possible , especially in the broader sense of the world .

But I do know it's something I want to explore . This winter I'll be asking myself how I can take baby steps towards this vision . How can I let go of my judgments and move closer to authenticity , connection and a shared sense of safety ?

And this reflection naturally transitions into my next thought for my winter cocooning the concept of an enemy , what it means , how it shows up and how I can begin to transform my understanding of it . This idea of an enemy , this concept of defining someone as other based on our differences , has been weighing heavily on me .

There's so much rhetoric these days about the enemy , and it's often rooted in our distinctions rather than our shared humanity . But when we focus on what separates us , we create more walls , more division . It ties into those earlier ideas of judgment and power over dynamics .

Making someone the enemy can easily lead to rallying others to our side , reinforcing a sense of us versus them . It's a big , overwhelming concept when I think about it on a global or societal scale , and I don't know how to shift it on that level . So I asked myself what can I do within my own life , within my relationships ?

When , in my interactions , do I consciously pit myself against someone else ? When do I frame a disagreement as a me versus them , rather than seeing us as on the same team ? And then I wonder what would it take to change that ?

What would it feel like to metaphorically step over to the other side of the tennis net and work together to hold the same racket to find common ground ? But here's the hard part how do you do that when you don't feel safe , seen or accepted in your own beliefs ? Who makes the first move towards connection and how do you even start that process ?

These are the questions I want to sit with this winter . I believe that exploring these questions could transform how we approach conflict , particularly in our closest relationships . What does it take to step out of the enemy mindset when you're at odds with your partner , your friend or even yourself ?

How do you find a way to collaborate in resolving conflict rather than seeing it as a battle to be won ?

For those of you who've listened to my other episodes , you know that I'm still healing my relationship with conflict , so this feels like a natural area of focus for my winter cocooning a chance to explore how I can shift from division to connection , starting with the small everyday moments in my own life and finally , at least for now , I'm tuning my attention to

community how we come together , heal divides and support one another . How can I contribute to my local community and if I don't feel connected to it , how do I find that sense of community ? How do I seek out and nurture a community that resonates with me on a deeper level ?

What does it feel like in my body when I experience that resonance , that feeling of true support ? I'm also reflecting on how I can shift away from living out of obligation or a need to fit in and instead live authentically while accepting others to do the same . I believe we are stronger together .

But the question is what does that community look and feel like ? Especially when exploring something as outside the norm , as relationship diversity , community becomes essential . Over the past five weeks , I've seen the power of community in action , especially among marginalized groups , and it's been truly inspiring . How can I contribute to that ?

This idea of community has been on my mind for a while and I've touched on it in many episodes , but this winter feels like the perfect time to dive deeper into my inquiry . So that's where my winter cocooning is taking me . Not too much right . But what about you . What resonates with you from all of this ? I'd love to hear your thoughts .

Feel free to send me a message by clicking send us a text link at the top of the show notes . At the core of all of this is one crucial thing curiosity , and that's why I always end my episodes with stay curious . Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity Podcast . Want to learn more about relationship diversity ?

I've got a free guide I'd love to send you . Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get yours sent right to you . If you liked what you heard , please subscribe to the podcast . You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together .

The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do , the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious , intentional and diverse relationships . New episodes are released every Thursday . Stay connected with me through my website , kerryjerislowcom , instagram or TikTok . Stay curious Every relationship is as unique as you are .

Every relationship is as unique as you are . Are you wondering why you never seem to find lasting fulfillment in your relationships ? Or do you create the same kinds of relationship experiences over and over again ? Can you never seem to find even one person who you want to explore a relationship with . Have you just given up hope altogether ?

If this sounds like you , my recent book why Do they Always Break Up With Me is the perfect place to start . The foundation of any relationship , whether intimate or not , is the relationship we have with ourselves . In the book , I lead you through eight clear steps to start or continue your self-exploration journey .

You'll learn about the importance of self-acceptance , gratitude , belief , shifting and forgiveness , and given exercises to experience these life-changing concepts . This is the process I use to shift my relationships from continual heartbreak to what they are now fulfilling , soul nourishing , compassionate and loving . It is possible for you .

This book can set you on a path to get there . Currently available through Amazon or through the link in the show notes .