Ep. 116: Fear's Role in Relationship Exploration and Growth

Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast , where we celebrate , question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity , from soloramory to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between , because every relationship is as unique as you are .

We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships , to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships ? I'm your guide , keri Jaroslow , bestselling author , speaker , intuitive and coach .

Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become . I love bringing the thoughts and ideas I've been processing , or at least trying to process , into this podcast . As I prepare for each episode , I really dive into curiosity mode .

I spend as much time as possible looking at a particular circumstance or situation from all its different sides , dissecting it and really questioning what it's all about . And one of the reasons I love doing this podcast is because it gives me direction , to find solutions , to find some answers .

Because when I explore ideas by myself inside my mind , I notice that my mind tends to stick with what's comfortable and avoid the uncomfortable stuff .

But when I bring these thoughts to this podcast , I can really push myself to explore the topic more deeply from all those different perspectives , getting them down on paper , sitting with them for a while , meditating on them and exploring them even more deeply than I would if it was just me in my own mind .

And this is especially important for today's topic , which is fear . Now , fear is something I've been facing head on recently , and I started my exploration by wondering can fear actually be used as a catalyst for meaningful self-reflection ? Well , yes , it can , because I have been going into a lot of meaningful self-reflection .

So next I started asking myself specifically this when is it helpful to push through fear and when is it better to listen to it and honor its message ?

When it comes to exploring diverse relationship styles , whether that's polyamory , non-monogamy , soloamory , intentional monogamy or simply learning about relationship diversity in general , fear will often show up , and it makes sense . We've all been conditioned to believe that only one type of relationship , the hetero mononormative kind , is valid and successful .

Honestly , we're rarely shown what even a truly fulfilling monogamous relationship looks like . Social media offers these little curated snapshots of sweet tender moments and we're left thinking that's the whole picture . What we don't see most often are the messy , complicated parts like conflict and resolution , dealing with jealousy and dealing with and facing fear .

So when we explore something new , like a relationship model outside of the norm , our minds can confuse it with betrayal or failure , which triggers fear , the fear of the unknown , the fear of being judged or rejected , and not just by romantic partners or intimate partners . Sometimes it's family and friends who struggle to understand our choices .

So that's exactly what I'm going to dive into today Fear I'll talk about when it might be helpful to push through it and when it's better to listen to it , and then I'm also going to share some ways to explore these fears so that you can understand what they're trying to tell you , and these are all ways that I have worked with that have really helped me .

So I'm going to start with times that I choose to push through the fear and why I choose to sometimes push through the fear , because sometimes I feel fear for me shows up as a signal that I'm right on the edge of growth , right at the boundary of my comfort zone .

I found it's helpful to push through fear when I feel that it's going to open the door to self-growth . So when fear shows up because I'm about to try something new , like exploring a different relationship style or expanding within my relationship structure , it's often an invitation to grow , and I love growth and evolution when I'm through it .

But when I'm in it , it's scary and it's more for me about the fear of the unknown . So pushing through the fear can challenge my old beliefs and lead to new understandings about myself and others , and it can help shift limiting beliefs . And I'm all about shifting limiting beliefs .

I'm all about looking at what my inbred limiting beliefs are , what I picked up from my childhood or from my family or culture , and questioning those . This is where I found the most growth in my life .

Fear often hides behind stories like I'm not worthy of love , or this isn't how relationships are supposed to be , or if they loved me , they'd act a certain way . There's so many of those . These are limiting beliefs that keep me from expressing who I am .

So by confronting these fears and questioning these limiting beliefs , I create more space for me to really be me , for the me that was maybe shut down at four years old to come out , to grow , to evolve , to catch up and develop into what my actual age is . Catch up and develop into what my actual age is .

These are the ones that help me to live more in my truth and then be able to express that to the people that I love and to be more fully myself in relationships . I have experienced that pushing through the fear creates deeper intimacy with myself and with others .

Having these challenging conversations , which are very scary at times and especially when you're navigating a diverse relationship structure . They can be scary but they're really necessary for building trust and connection necessary for building trust and connection .

And when I push myself to have these conversations , once I get to the other side , I feel such a deeper sense of closeness , of intimacy and openness and it really does expand my relationships . Another reason why sometimes I choose to push through the fear is because I've had the experience that freedom lies on the other side of fear Freedom .

When I push through the fear and I get to the other side , where I have so much more understanding about what that fear was about , I feel a sense of exhilaration , and it is a high like no other , because I faced my fear , I've pushed through it , I've healed , I've experienced and learned about myself , and my whole body lights up and feels alive , and that

feeling is so necessary to remember when I'm on the side of fear that is keeping me stuck so many times . I will push through the fear when I feel safe because of that feeling of freedom , of that feeling and that knowing that fear does not have control over me anymore .

And as yummy as that feeling of freedom can be and exhilaration , there are still some times when I choose to listen to my fear and pull back . And so fear isn't just about growth .

Sometimes it's a signal that something isn't right , and so I wanted to include some reasons that I've learned to listen to my fear , take pause and use it as a signal that moving forward would not be the best thing for me .

And so the first reason that I will listen to the fear is when I feel like my boundaries are being crossed , and so fear can be that protective mechanism . If I feel that my emotional or physical safety is at risk . I need to listen to that .

I need to listen to the fear and pull back Boundaries are essential , and fear often tells me that they're being compromised . I also listen to fear when something feels incongruent with my values . So if a situation conflicts with my core values , fear might be reminding me to stay aligned with what's true for me .

I've learned that by forcing myself into experiences that aren't authentic only leads to distress in the long run , and it also causes me to feel like I've betrayed myself . And if I'm not going to stand by myself , how can I expect anyone else to ? It's also important to listen to fear when there is a risk of harm .

Fear is critical when it warns of potential harm , whether emotional , physical , spiritual or psychological . It's really important to take those warnings seriously , especially in situations involving manipulation or coercion . And then there's sometimes when my instincts are giving me these subtle warnings .

So sometimes for me it shows up as a gut feeling that something is off , even if I can't immediately pinpoint why . That happens to me sometimes when I meet people and I get an initial negative feeling .

Now there have been times to be totally honest , that I am wrong and that I get to know a person more and realize , oh , my first impression was not right , and so it does take some inquiry and there are nuances and there are a lot of times when those gut feelings are absolutely accurate and I need to listen to them .

So learning to trust those instincts has helped me avoid situations that could be harmful might've been harmful , I never really know , because I will listen to my gut and choose to not engage . So , like I just said , there are nuances to fear , and so how do you figure out what the fear is trying to tell you ? Is it telling you to push forward ?

Is it telling you to expand and grow ? Is it telling you , oh , that wouldn't be the best for me . So I wanted to give you some practices that have helped me find clarity while I'm figuring out what is the fear trying to tell me .

The first practice I talk about a lot , which is self-reflection , journaling or meditating on your fear , can help you understand where it's coming from . Is it rooted in past experiences , social conditioning or something that's happening right now ?

If you're just starting this kind of self-exploration , it would be really helpful and it has been helpful for me to ask yourself what is your general relationship with fear .

Are you the kind of person who feels the fear and gets excited ? Are you the kind of person who feels the fear and runs away ? Are you the kind of person who feels the fear and runs away ? Are you the kind of person who feels the fear and disassociates or disconnects ? Is fear a motivator for you ?

And these awarenesses , the answers that you come up with , are so important because it gives you the opportunity to make a choice with how you are going to respond to the fear this time . So , for example , for me , when I feel fear , I tend to disconnect . That was how I learned how to survive when I was young , going through distressful times , I disconnected .

I would go in my room , I'd listen to music and not think about it , and so when I feel the fear come up , my instinct because this is what I've done in the past is to disconnect . Well , now that I know that that's what I'm doing , I have a choice .

I can choose to disconnect or I can choose to connect , and even if it's not connecting with the other person , I can choose to connect with myself , to go inward . I can also choose sometimes to disconnect , and that's okay . But having the awareness gives me the choice .

It's not this unconscious reaction to an emotion that I feel in my body and that I've identified as fear . And so we get into these patterns when , usually from our childhood , we feel a sensation in our body that we identify as fear , and I don't even think we go through that intellectual journey of , oh , that's fear .

We just feel the sensation and we react in the way that has kept us safe before . So stopping with that and understanding that's what you're doing puts you in a place of empowerment to choose a different way . This leads into the next practice that really has helped me , which is checking in with your body . Your body has wisdom .

So noticing how it reacts when you feel the fear and when you think about moving forward or holding back , do you feel a sense of expansion or excitement , or does your body feel heavy and constricted ? It can be really helpful to just say where do I feel fear in my body ? For me , it's in my chest , it's in my gut .

I know that when I feel sensation there that I can stop and ask what is the fear about ? Or even identify is this even fear ? Because on the other side of fear is excitement . So , sitting with it and saying , am I fearful , excited or am I fearful for my safety , that will help to determine what is the best course of action with that particular circumstance .

And also the importance of tuning into your body , because your mind my mind , at least , I will say my mind will talk me in and out of all different kinds of things .

Even though my body is screaming to be listened to , even though I'm still feeling the sensation in my gut and in my heart and in my throat , my mind can say no , I think this is a good thing , I should push through this , but my body is saying something different . So tuning into your body is really important .

Another practice I have is reaching out to my inner circle , talking things through with my trusted friends , mentors . This can really help provide perspective . They might , and oftentimes , see things that I can't .

When fear makes my mind all scrambled and clouds my judgment , I can call up a friend and say this is what I'm dealing with , do you have perspectives that I'm not seeing ? And it always seems to help . Sometimes I've also done a risk assessment , so weighing the risks and rewards .

If pushing through the fear aligns with my authentic self , then I might feel like it's worth it to push through , but if it feels like it threatens my wellbeing , I think it's wiser to listen to it , and I also want to say that it's never just a straight line for me . It's up and down .

I'll push a little bit and then contract and push and expand and contract and allowing myself space to do that , instead of having unrealistic expectations that I should just move through it and be done with the emotions . That , to me , is unrealistic . I also love to identify my core needs , like what are my core needs For me ? Safety , love , connection .

Are these at stake ? If they are at stake , then pushing through might not be the best option . If I feel like my needs are being met , then maybe it's worth exploring . Another thing I love to do is dialogue with myself . I love talking to myself out loud .

Having a conversation between the part of me that's fearful and the part of me that's curious can bring surprising insights . It can feel strange at first , but it's really a powerful way to integrate these different aspects of myself .

And then the last practice that I do and many times when all things fail , although I should probably do this earlier in my exploration of the fear is to move my body .

Physical movement , whether it's walking , dancing , hiking , moving my body helps to move my thoughts and move the energy , and many times it helps to release this excruciating grip that sometimes fear seems to have on me . Think about what movement feels really good to you . For me , I like to feel my heart pumping .

I like to feel my limbs moving , I like to feel my muscles being stressed a little bit , because that helps to get the energy moving in my body and move the emotion and clear my mind . Many times I think our thoughts and our mind mirror and reflect our body and vice versa .

So if I'm sitting all day , my mind tends to get stuck specifically when I'm working on something challenging . And when I move my body , the thoughts start to move and there creates some more space in between all my thoughts .

Even going outside and taking off my shoes and putting my feet in grass and focusing on my body and moving my arms a little bit , even just waving them as if I'm a kid , twirling , moving my arms , exploring my body , that can help . So look at what feels good to you in your body and I would really encourage the feeling good part of moving your body .

I wouldn't say go do a hard workout if you hate working out , because that is working against what I think these practices are trying to do , which is to feel good in your body , feel movement in your body .

So I hope those were helpful for you , and the biggest thing I would say is to be tender with yourself , be compassionate with yourself , show yourself compassion , show yourself tenderness .

Fear is a complex emotion , but it can also be a valuable teacher , and so when we engage with it thoughtfully , consciously , and with that tenderness and compassion , we honor both its transformative and protective roles . And the more we allow ourselves to feel fear without judgment , the more space we create for healing and growth .

Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran captured this beautifully in this poem . It is said that before entering the sea , a river trembles with fear . But the river cannot go back . To go back is impossible in existence . The river must take the risk of entering the ocean , because only then will fear disappear . That's where the river knows .

It's not about disappearing into the ocean , but about becoming the ocean . So maybe that's what fear is here for to give us pause is here for . To give us pause to help us explore , question , expand and to remind us that being human means feeling deeply . And maybe , just maybe , we can celebrate that . Stay curious .

Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity Podcast . Want to learn more about relationship diversity ? I've got a free guide I'd love to send you . Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get yours sent right to you . If you liked what you heard , please subscribe to the podcast .

You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together . The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do , the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious , intentional and diverse relationships .

New episodes are released every Thursday . Stay connected with me through my website , kerryjerislowcom , instagram or TikTok .

Stay curious . Every relationship is as unique as you are , as you are . Are you wondering why you never seem to find lasting fulfillment in your relationships ? Or do you create the same kinds of relationship experiences over and over again ? Can you never seem to find even one person who you want to explore a relationship with ?

Have you just given up hope altogether ? If this sounds like you , my recent book why Do they Always Break Up With Me is the perfect place to start . The foundation of any relationship , whether intimate or not , is the relationship we have with ourselves . In the book , I lead you through eight clear steps to start or continue your self-exploration journey .

Eight clear steps to start or continue your self-exploration journey . You'll learn about the importance of self-acceptance , gratitude , belief shifting and forgiveness , and given exercises to experience these life-changing concepts . This is the process I use to shift my relationships from continual heartbreak to what they are now fulfilling , soul-nourishing , compassionate and loving .

It is possible for you . This book can set you on a path to get there , currently available through Amazon or through the link in the show notes .