Stop Blaming the Ref!: Victim Mentality vs Success Mindset

Today I'm going on a rant . I'm just so frustrated , honestly . I get so many messages that just rub me the wrong way , because they're constantly insinuating that the referee is at fault for them losing a match Rather than taking personal responsibility , or they're completely overreacting To something that happens At a youth grassroots soccer match .

I get a few pieces of new content and I'm going to give that to you today , and then I'm going to finish it With one of my classic rants On Dear Parents , please Shut Up .

I don't mind you sending me videos I love getting videos but when you send me a play and it says this play led us to losing the state cup or this call cost us the game , and then inferring that it was the referee's fault that you lost because you don't agree or you don't understand the call , that is a victim mentality .

A victim mentality the match lasts anywhere from 70 to 90 minutes at grassroots right , like from U13 up to 18 , U19 . I don't know If it's U8, . Do they play 60 minutes ? I don't know . But 60 minutes and there are hundreds of decisions that a referee makes in a game . Is the ball in or out ? Which direction does it go ?

On the throw-in , is it a goal kick or a corner kick ? It is a foul . Is it not a foul ? Hundreds of times the teams you're making that determination . Is it a penalty kick ? Is it a careless foul ? Is it a yellow card ? Is it a red card ? Additionally , the team's playing will make hundreds of passes .

Players are going to challenge for the ball , defending those passes , trying to intercept those passes over and over again . Sometimes they're going to be successful , sometimes they're not . Teams are going to take 20 or 30 shots towards goal . Maybe eight of them actually make it on frame . What about those other 20 shots ?

Do you think they could have done those a little better ? The goalkeeper will make or not make , maybe 10 saves in a game . Maybe they'll let six goals go in . Maybe they'll completely miss kick a ball that should have been cleared and it goes in . The coach . Do the coaches not have any responsibility for whether they win or lose a game .

They choose the players that are going to play , they put them in different positions , they employ various defensive and attacking strategies and formations . They make substitutions that may or may not work . Maybe they don't properly motivate a team for a game , I don't know . In summary , a team has ample opportunity to determine the outcome of a match .

Opportunity to determine the outcome of a match . If you lost the game in soccer , football , whatever you want to call it , it's because your opponent scored more goals than your team did on the day . That's right . That's how you lose . Your opponent scores more goals than your team did on the day . It doesn't necessarily mean that they're a better team .

It doesn't necessarily mean that the referee was phenomenal . Okay Doesn't mean the referee was necessarily bad . It just means that team scored more goals than your team did on the day . I say this to my son all the time and it drives him absolutely bananas , but it's true . Anything can happen in soccer . It is a cruel sport .

It happens , and one goal can determine who a winner is and who loses the match . Okay , one goal , I get it , but there are many things that influence a game , to say that one play lost you the game and to infer that it is the fault of the referee is disingenuous and a complete and utter lack of personal accountability .

Personal accountability Rather than having a victim mentality where woe is me and it happened to me . Maybe you should embrace a success mindset . It's a different way of thinking and that way of thinking embraces challenges , views failures as opportunities for growth and they believe in one's own ability to achieve goals .

And I have to tell you , as a father , that is something I'm constantly drilling into my kids Don't let someone else choose your mood , don't let someone else bring you down . Yes , for my son who played soccer in academy for over 10 years right , okay , you may have a coach who does not believe in you . It happens For whatever reason .

They think someone else needs to be starting at that position . Do not let it change how you go about your business . You will show up to practice every day , you will give 110% effort , you will support your teammates at all time and you will be ready from when your opportunity comes Every time . That is a success mindset .

I want my kids to have grit , resilience , determination and they will be successful in life . Stop blaming the ref . It is not helping anyone at all . Take some personal responsibility and accountability for how you performed in that match . Yes , can a referee have an impact on a play ? Yes , can that play be a key match decision ?

Yes , yes , can that play be a key match decision ? Yes , but 99.99% of the time when I have watched matches , overwhelmingly , it is the players on the pitch and the coach who determine the outcome . Stop blaming the ref . People . You're driving me nuts . Send me your videos , but please don't blame one play on the referee , all right .

Next thing that I want to rant about , I have to tell you , 50% of the videos that come my way are for U10 matches , u10 . Okay , seriously , I'm talking nine-year-olds who are playing soccer and their parents are irate about one call or another . Okay , why wasn't this a call ? Why wasn't there a card shown ? Blah , blah , blah , blah , blah , blah .

Why didn't the referee do this ? That ref was horrible . Things like that , all these types of things . Okay , first , let me just tell you and I know this is controversial but winning or losing at u10 doesn't matter . It doesn't matter .

Actually , it probably doesn't even really matter if you win or lose , probably all the way up until u15 or u16 at an academy level . Okay , recreational , who cares ? Just go have fun . Go have fun . Okay , because certainly at an academy you're trying to also teach game management right For the players and match control in addition to the decision-making .

But honestly , at U8 , u10 , u12 , it's about the fundamentals , it's about teamwork , it's about developing soccer IQ . Can you shoot the ball with both feet ? Can you pass the ball with both feet ? Do you have a good first touch ? Can you determine what to do with the ball before you receive it ? Is your child enjoying themselves ?

Are they in a supportive environment where they're falling in love with the game ? And almost every single U10 match I've ever seen , every single U10 match that I've ever seen , passing accuracy is 50% at the best or less . Most shots aren't even close to the goal .

I don't even think I've ever seen a U10 match where the referee was anywhere close to determining the outcome of the game with their calls , was anywhere close to determining the outcome of the game with their calls . Most U10 matches that I've seen in my life have only five or six fouls called the entire match .

An overwhelming majority of the decisions are throw-ins , corner kicks , goal kicks . So why do I get so many messages regarding a foul called or not called in U10 matches ? Why do I get so many messages about parents or coaches screaming at teenage referees or volunteer referees at U10 matches ?

Why are we creating such a toxic and hyper-competitive environment around something that should simply be fun to watch and enjoy ? I am telling you , as someone whose child has now graduated high school and has moved on to college enjoy the fact that your kid is getting to play the beautiful game they are exercising . They're learning how to be a good teammate .

Please don't make this all about you , because that's what you're doing when you're yelling or coaches yelling , when you're yelling about fouls that are called or not called , and you're doing when you're yelling or coaches yelling , when you're yelling about fouls that are called or not called and you're calling attention to yourself . Whether there is a foul or not .

A foul or a throw-in is for one team or another at U10 soccer really doesn't matter . Okay , again , it doesn't matter who wins or who loses . When you create a positive environment and you respect the referee , then we all win . When you yell and you complain and you pout when a decision doesn't go your way , we all lose .

You can still win and be a loser and have a loser mentality , and you can still lose and be a winner with a winner mentality . Choose to be a winner not just on the pitch , but in life , and demonstrate what a success mindset and being a winner is all about Now , finally , this last message is all about Now .

Finally , this last message and honestly , I wish this was broadcast before every single youth match . Honestly , it's one of these things . Coaches , if you're listening to this , send this to your parents on game day while they're driving to the pitch . Play this in the car . Seriously , I'm not kidding .

If you run a club or a league or something like that , send this to all your parents , put it on repeat , send it out a couple different times . Kids , if you're listening to this , send this out to your parents so they know how to behave next time they come to one of your soccer matches . Okay , the summary of the message is dear parents , please shut up .

First off , you're not helping your kids by yelling pass , shoot , switch , run or any other coaching from the sideline . That is called joysticking . It's a negative thing . Like you're playing a video game and you're trying to control what the kids are doing on the pitch , coaching your kid from the sideline is damaging your kid for the future .

If they're playing on the pitch , the first thing foremost they should be listening to their coach , and the coach might have told them how they wanted to play the game before they got on the pitch . It's the coach's responsibility .

Oh and , by the way , if the coach is quiet and not telling the kids what they need to do on the pitch , it's because the coach wants them to learn how to think for themselves . Okay , because kids should learn to know what to do with the ball before they even receive the ball . Okay .

So if you're making decisions for your kid and you're telling them and joysticking them to pass , shoot , switch , all those types of things okay , you are damaging their soccer IQ . And that is the number one thing college coaches are looking for when they're looking for players , or professional scouts are looking for .

They want to know do the players understand the game mentally ? And I can tell you after watching a number of kids who have played academy and have gone on to play professionally there's one kid now at Atlanta United that I used to watch when he was 12 or 13 years old . I could tell you that kid had a brain unlike any other on the pitch .

Yes , he had athletic ability , but he could see the play happen and develop before it took place . He knew what to do with the ball and where to go with the ball and how to draw defenders one way to be able to play a pass another way . He knew when to play it back . He knew when to bring it forward . It was just so beautiful to watch .

Okay , so beautiful . Stop damaging their soccer IQ and let them make decisions for themselves . Additionally , if you're criticizing your kid on the field , you're going to destroy their love of the game . That's right . So if you tell them , oh , oh , why'd you do that ? Or come on , why'd you , why didn't you shoot ?

Or something like that , oh , there's a bad pass . Or oh , come on . Whatever , you're gonna destroy their love of the game . Do you think any 10 , 11 , 12 , 13 , 14 , any kid wants to be embarrassed by their parents on the pitch in front of all of their teammates , okay , and all the other parents ? You're not encouraging them . You're wearing them out .

You're creating a toxic environment . You're going to destroy their love of the game . They don't want to hear from you and they're going to associate that toxic environment with the beautiful game . Additionally , if you're one of those parents who likes to criticize the referee , again , you're not helping anyone .

Number one your kids need to learn to respect the call and to get on with the game . If you're one of those parents who likes to scream Offside or foul , or it's blue , let me tell you . Or foul , or it's blue , let me tell you .

I have seen numerous times where parents scream offside or the ball's out and it actually isn't offside , or the ball being out and the defender stops playing and the opposing team goes in and scores . You're killing your kids . Stop it . Teach them to play to the whistle . Teach them to respect a call okay , teach them to respect the call very important .

That brings me to a third point referee abuse . The things that you're yelling at a referee isn't helping the ref in any way , shape or form . Do you think that somehow your yelling is going to make them a better referee ? Do you think that maybe your yelling is going to make them question their desire ?

Why in the world do I even want to be here as a referee ? I'm giving up my weekend to be here . I'm not making a lot of money to be here . Do I want to deal with this abuse . There is 80% turnover in the first three years for referees and the number one reason , number one , is spectator abuse . That's right . Number one , it's you , parents .

Number two is coaches , as you could imagine , but number one , the biggest reason , is parents . So if you're concerned about the quality of the refereeing out there and you know that experience makes a better referee , makes a better player , whatnot ?

More reps and more experience out there if you burn them out and they leave , the quality of the referees will go down . So thank you for creating the problem . Okay , you're killing it . If you don't like the refereeing , maybe shut up and more referees will stick around . Or if you don't like the refereeing , maybe go get certified and you become a referee .

I will tell you if your excuse is . Well , I don't have time . Let me tell you I am a busy dude myself and all of my fellow referees have full-time jobs and we've got kids in sports multiple different sports and we find the time . One . Someone said to me not too long ago it's the people who are the busiest who make the time .

I had one when someone said to me not too long ago it's the people who are the busiest who make the time Okay , cause they're good at managing their time . It's the ones who are lazy and I'm not saying all parents are lazy here . Maybe they just know they wouldn't be a good referee for whatever reason .

But generally speaking , busy people still make the time to ref . So if you're that passionate about it and you think you could do better , come and join us . Let me tell you , your perspective on refereeing is going to be very different .

Another point have you ever thought that the person you're yelling at whether they're the center official or the assistant referee is someone's son or daughter or mother or father or sister or brother ? How would you feel , seriously , how would you feel if a parent on the sidelines started yelling at your kid on the pitch ? Okay , I want you to picture this .

So there's a parent other team starts yelling at your kid on the pitch and saying , oh , that was a horrible shot . Or how'd you miss that pass ? Could you imagine ? How'd you not save that ball ? Oh , awful right . Seriously , picture that man . Oh my gosh , Could you imagine people be going bananas ? Absolutely insane Fights would be breaking out all the time .

But for some reason , when it's the referee in the middle of the pitch who , by the way , can't say anything back , otherwise they would lose their job and never be able to referee again . But when it's the referee who's being critiqued in the middle of the pitch , all of a sudden , it's okay , it's okay .

Let me tell you , I have known so many referees who have quit because of that parent critique , that verbal abuse that they receive , because the anxiety that it creates just simply isn't worth it .

So the next time you come to a game , here's what you should say from the sidelines Great effort , stay strong , good job , great save , great ball , well done , regardless if it was on your team or is on the other team okay , applaud the other team when there's an amazing shot . Okay , when someone makes an amazing pass . We're talking about youth soccer here .

We want this to be a positive learning environment for everyone . Okay , for the kids , the coaches , the spectators and the referees .

And if we do that , we're all going to win in the end , because your kids will enjoy the game , they will get better , okay , and the referees will enjoy the game and they will get better and you will have better refereeing as a result . Lastly , kids mirror their parents behavior .

If you are yelling at the ref , what do you think your kids are going to do ? They're going to think it's okay to yell at the ref , and then you yell at the ref and the other parents yell at the ref . Okay , that is not productive , that's not helpful .

If a call goes against your team that you don't agree with , get ready for the next play , it's okay , don't worry about it . Keep going , whatever , and don't be surprised if parent yells at ref , kid yells at ref .

Oh , and , by the way , when they get home , they start challenging the authority figures at home too , and the kids become petulant and disrespectful to their parents or to teachers or to other upstanding members of society . Okay , kids need to concentrate on the game and deal with whatever adversity is in front of them . Maybe it is a bad ref .

Maybe the ref is making really confusing calls . What are you going to do about it ? That's the ref you got for today . Deal with it . Life isn't always easy or fair , and it's not whether or not we're going to face challenges in life . It is how we deal with them that matters . It is not whether we will face challenges .

It is how we will deal with them that matters . Parents , teach your children to think for themselves . Teach them to positively respond to challenges and bounce back even when things don't go their way . Taking personal responsibility for one's actions is probably the best lesson you could ever teach your children . I hope you guys enjoyed today's podcast .

I don't mean to be negative or go on a rant , but I felt like I needed to get this off my chest and I thank you for the opportunity to do this . I wish I could broadcast this message before every youth sporting event Not that it would solve much .

Honestly , even if it changed one person's mind or affected one parent out there , that would be a step in the right direction . I wish more people could hear it . If you like today's pod , share it with everyone . Post it online , put it on Facebook , send it to your friends , send it to your club officials , whatever . Please do Get it out there .

We need people to hear this message . If you like what I'm saying here , follow me on TikTok , instagram . Hey , go to refsneedlove2.com . Support the merch . My gosh , I need a new microphone . I just need to invest in this . I want to get better at this so I can take this further . Everything that you buy there goes directly back into this program .

I sincerely appreciate your support . I love you all . Send any feedback you have for me at refsneedloveto at gmailcom . I always value your feedback . Just don't tell me that it's the ref's fault . And if you're a ref out there , I hope your next game is red card free . We'll see you next time .