Over 30 years ago, Henry Cloud and John Townsend published the first edition of the groundbreaking book “Boundaries.” It was groundbreaking because it looked at the concept of establishing healthy emotional boundaries in our lives from a biblical perspective. Because it was based on biblical principles, and filled with relevant scriptures, it has become a very helpful book for followers of Jesus. I am going back through this classic book now, and will be sharing some highlights in the next few installments of this series.
Greg and Erin Smalley remind us that when we set a boundary with someone in a healthy way, we are not trying to keep them out. Instead, we are actually trying to keep our heart open to them. As we keep our heart open, we are able to engage with them from a place of love. Pastor Chris Hodges says , “[A life with] no boundaries leads to brokenness. The world advocates no boundaries, and that does not work. I say, ‘God, we want Your boundaries in our lives!’”
You might be asking, “Why is this topic of boundaries important?” Well, “beginning with the end in mind,” let me answer in this way: It turns out, as I hope you will see, that honoring healthy and loving boundaries is a very biblical principle of life, established by God. Living by these principles is a blessing for us, and for those around us.
In addition, taking a closer look at our past will help us to understand how our boundaries (both healthy and unhealthy) developed. This gives us insight into how to partner with God in the transformation of our unhealthy boundaries into healthy ones.
So, what are boundaries? Just as property lines mark the physical boundaries of responsibility for property owners, emotional boundaries mark the lines of emotional responsibility between people. Boundaries are not walls. We are not to be “walled off” from others. In fact, we are to be “one” with others, and in community with them (as Jesus is with the Father):
John 17:11b HCSB Holy Father, protect them by Your name that You have given Me, so that they may be one as We are one.
But in every community, all members have their own space and property.
In chapter 2, the authors say, “The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God.” God exists as a distinct, separate being, responsible for Himself. He is separate from His creation and from us. And yet “God has boundaries within the Trinity. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are one, but at the same time they are distinct persons with their own boundaries. Each one has His own personhood and responsibilities, as well as a connection with and love for one another.”
John 17:24b AMPC For You [Father] loved Me [Son] before the foundation of the world.
“God also limits what He will allow in His yard. He confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior. He guards His house and will not allow evil things to go on there. He invites people in who will love Him, and He lets His love flow outward to them at the same time. The ‘gates’ of His boundaries open and close appropriately.”
God’s creation is filled with many examples and analogies of establishing boundaries. Here are just a few of them:
Skin - Our skin keeps the good in and the bad out. Words - Our words are intended to be used to establish healthy and loving boundaries. The most basic boundary-setting word is “no.”Truth - “Knowing the truth about God and His property puts limits on you and shows you His boundaries… There is always safety in the truth, whether it be knowing God’s truth or knowing the truth about yourself.”Geographical distance - You can use geographical distance when you have given to your limit, or to get away from danger and put limits on evil.Time - You can use time to regain ownership, by taking time off from a person or project.Emotional distance - You can use emotional distance as a temporary boundary, to give your heart the space it needs to be safe.Consequences - Consequences “let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves.” Consequences are very biblical:2 Thessalonians 3:10 (NASB) For even when we were with you, we used to give you this order: if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either.
So, you may be asking, when I have a healthy and biblical perspective on life, myself and others, what things should I consider to be within my boundaries? The answer, of course, is in the next episode. 😊
Today, I encourage you to “Reflect on This.”