Today, let’s conclude our look at the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. In a previous episode, I shared that boundaries mark the lines of emotional responsibility between people. We saw that setting healthy boundaries is not keeping others out, but instead keeping our heart open to them. Honoring these boundaries in a healthy and loving way is a very biblical principle of life, established by God and illustrated in His creation. Living by these principles is a blessing for us, and for those around us.
Let me offer some quotes from the book to answer the following question:
When I have a healthy and biblical perspective on life, myself and others, what things should I consider to be within my boundaries? In other words, what things should I own as my responsibility?
My feelings“Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge… They can often motivate us to do much good.” (Biblical examples: the pity of the Good Samaritan for the injured traveler, the compassion of the father for his prodigal son, etc.) “Your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them.” My attitudes
“Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something or someone... We need to own our attitudes and convictions... We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only ones who can change them.” “People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean.” But the Bible teaches otherwise:2 Corinthians 5:10 ESV For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.My behaviors
“Behaviors have consequences. The problem comes when someone interrupts the law of sowing and reaping in another person’s life.”
Galatians 6:7 (NASB) Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.My choices
“Throughout the Scriptures, people are reminded of their choices and asked to take responsibility for them.”
Romans 8:13 ESV For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. (In other words, do we choose to follow our fleshly desires, or do we choose to live by the Spirit?)My values“What we value is what we love and assign importance to… [But often] we are caught up in valuing the approval of other human beings rather than the approval of God.”John 12:43 ISV For they loved the praise of human beings more than the praise of God.
6. My limits
When it comes to setting limits on others, we can’t really do that… We can’t change them or make them behave right.But when it comes to setting our own internal limits, “we need to have [self-control]: space inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire without acting it out.” 2 Peter 1:5-6a ESV For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, (6) and knowledge with self-control.7. My resources, gifts, and talents
The lazy servant in Matthew 25 was not chastised for being afraid of making losing investments for his master. He was chastised for not confronting his fear and trying the best he could. “Not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both His giving of gifts [to us] and His grace to sustain us as we are learning.”8. My thoughts
“Our minds and thoughts are important reflections of the image of God. We are the only creatures who are called to love God with all our mind (Mark 12:30). And Paul wrote that he was taking ‘captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ’ (2 Cor. 10:5).” To establish healthy boundaries in thinking:We must own our own thoughts. We must not mechanically think the thoughts of others, nor swallow their opinions, without ever examining them. We must clarify distorted thinking, especially in personal relationships.
We do not see clearly, because of the “logs” in our eyes (Matt. 7:3-5). We must communicate our thoughts to others. They cannot read our minds.
9. My desires
Our desires (dreams, wants, wishes, goals, plans, hungers, thirsts) lie within our boundaries.We can’t always define what we truly desire. Many desires masquerade as the real thing. They are lusts that come out of not owning our real desires.James 4:2 NIV You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.We should actively seek our desires from God. God is truly interested in our desires, because He made them.
Psalms 37:4 (NASB) Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 145:19 (NASB) He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them.
10. My love
Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift from God. Both giving and receiving are crucial to life.Our emotional heart, like our physical heart, needs an inflow as well as an outflow.Our heart is a trust muscle that needs to be used and exercised to remain emotionally healthy. We have a responsibility to give and respond to love, or our trust muscle will atrophy.
Let me say it again: Setting healthy boundaries is not keeping others out, but instead keeping our heart open to them. Honoring these boundaries in a healthy and loving way is a very biblical principle of life, established by God and illustrated in His creation. Living by these principles is a blessing for us, and for those around us.
Today, I encourage you to “Reflect on This.”