S2E5: A Thousand Tonnes of Rock

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so the puss crank christmas medley was called beth mayhem oh little town of beth mayhem we did several actually oh yeah what were they called um God rest ye metal gentlemen. Good. The first no hell. That's very good. Good King Wences Thrash. Wences Thrash. Yeah. I mean, it's harder than you think. I wish you a metal Christmas. No, too easy. No. Are you all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Well, two shots to me for that. Yeah, I know.

while shepherds rocked their socks by night. Yeah, that one's better. The 12 days of Crustmas. Yes! Would you rather do a tiny shit every hour on the hour or spend one week a year doing all your shits in one go? Is this during sleeping hours as well? For which, the every hour one. Yeah, yeah. No, wait. No, both of them. I mean, you couldn't shit for a full week 24-7 without sleep. Yeah, you get to sleep as normal. Okay, um...

Would the week be exempt from annual leave or sick pay entitlements? Oh, my God. And does this impact the whole human race or just me personally? I mean, I'd hate to lose a week of holiday just because I... Fuck's sake. That is why you don't play as Baron Samedi on GoldenEye. He's the coolest one. Yeah, but his top hat still counts as his head, so he has like three times the surface area for me to get a headshot. Yeah, fine. Let me be Mishkin then. No.

I'm always Mishkin. Oh, right. You have everyone else you can be. But I would like to be Mishkin. No, you only want to be Mishkin because you can't have him. I like the shape of his head. His head is square. They all have square heads. Come on. Oh, oh, look, look. She's waddling. Gordon, she's waddling. Waffles, hey! To be fair, I did think tortoises came bigger than that. Come on, she's only wee. She came out of an egg, remember?

She'll get bigger. Like, shoebox kind of big. Oh, do you like her? Yeah. She's my daughter now. Aren't you waffles? She bitched me. Didn't you? I can't believe they actually gave us a tortoise. Well, that is the almighty power I wield. Warren, can we see you in the lab in five minutes, please? Over. That's a 10-4, over. Yeah, okay. Roger, roger. What?

Yeah, give me five minutes. That's what I said. I mean, ten minutes. Is it time to... No, it's just more scans, I think. Gordon, I need you to help Pamela with the sailing. We need to top off the supply. There's not enough down here for another freeze. And Bryony wants him in before seven o'clock. Yeah, we'll be there now. Warren, you've been out less than a week. Yeah, well, they must be stepping it up.

Look, you know you don't have to actually... I know, I know. I don't have to do anything. Warren, do you... Do you like going into hypersleep? Well, I like... Being good at something. Well, you're good at Golden High. You don't have to risk your life every time you play it. You're going to be here when I get out? Always am. Well, if you're not... I get to be Mishkin in perpetuity.

Hi, Gordon. Aubrey? Yes, it's still me. How are you? I am freezing. I'm sure there's plenty of places you could go inside where they wouldn't walk in on you. Oh, I don't trust anywhere inside. I don't really trust being outside. I don't know how long I can get away with this, Aubrey. I...

I can only pretend to inspect the guttering so many times. To be honest, you shouldn't be pretending. The icicles that build up on those gutters are lethal. They're like stalactites. I remember one broke off when Ben was carrying some equipment and bumped into a wall. I swear, it would have gone straight through his head if it had hit him. Maybe I shouldn't stand beneath him then. Aubrey? I'm sorry, I just... I just can't believe he's dead. Ben. I mean, I can.

Of course I can. It's why we were so careful all this time. We knew what they would do to us if they found us. I mean, I had to assume when he went quiet on me that they'd got to him. I just... I just can't believe he's been down there in one of those bloody pods for Bryony to play with like he's the... Teddy bear. All right, Gordon. At least you know it's equal opportunities butchery round here.

Anyone's head can be sawn off. Ben Thomas was a lot of things, but don't forget he helped you get all the information you were searching for on Red Valley, just like me. You're right. I'm sorry. And I am sorry about Ben Thomas. He was your friend. Well, let's not get carried away. He was a twat.

How's Warren? He went back in tonight. Again? But it's only been... Five days. He's only been out of the lab for three. This is the fifth time he's been in. Why is she doing that? It's madness, isn't it? Clive Schiller's right. Warren's what you said he was when he was in your van. You said he was the most valuable commodity overhead could ever have. Why is she putting him at such risk if he's the golden egg? Gordon, I need to know what she's doing in there. I don't know what she's doing.

Not the important stuff. I could never understand it. But you're archiving for her as she goes, right? So you have access to the data. Yeah. She makes me catalogue everything. Gordon, I need you to get as much of that as possible onto a storage device and take it into the tunnel. What?

You can do it. Say you're exploring, if you're archiving or whatever, head down the tunnel, go all the way to the reactor housing, leave it somewhere conspicuous. And what's going to happen to it in there? There's another way into the tunnel, from the other side of the ball bag.

There's other mines that were supposed to be connected to it. So you've seen the plans then? Yes, but how do you know they're even built or safe? I've been poking around one of them. It went really far. How far? I don't know. I got scared and came back out again. I don't know about this, Aubrey. Look, it's risky enough me even being this close so we can talk over the comm. The weather won't always be able to hide me so well.

You can't come out and meet me. And frankly, if we're seriously talking about getting both of you out of there one day, we need to know whether that tunnel is a viable way in and out of the station. I thought you'd jump at the chance. To go down the terrifying tunnel built from an ancient granite mine into the middle of a mountain.

Yeah, sounds thrilling. Gordon, it's not a dungeon. Your end is fine. It's totally safe. It's wired in. There's lights. It's fine. It's a fascinating concept, actually. Well, send grand designs down there, then. Will you do it? I'm not going down there on my own.

Warren, when he next comes out. But we don't know how long that could be. It could be weeks for all we know. I doubt it. Look, I'm not confronting a genuine phobia of being crushed by a thousand tons of rock by myself.

Have you ever seen The Descent? No. Neither have I, for that exact reason. Very few people get the opportunity to face a phobia as specific as that. It could be a real breakthrough for you. I don't know if I like you, Aubrey. Or you'll go down in history as the first man crushed to death by a ball bag.

And you've got more batteries for your torch? Uh, yes. Did you bring snacks? Snacks? Yeah. How long do you think this tunnel is? Well, it runs all the way into the mountain. Who knows? What's in your bag? I thought it was... Like recording equipment? It's just stuff. Is that a sleeping mat? I'm anxious about it, Warren. This was your idea. We don't have to go in. Who cares what's in there? I'll get the door. Oh, my God, it's heavy.

Oh, my God. Do you have to speak Parseltongue to open this? Let me help. I've got it. Look, I can help. I said I've got it. Look, Warren. You've only been out of the lab a day. This is probably really stupid. We don't do these things because they're easy, but because they are hard. Was that JFK? Well, yeah, that's my best impression.

Okay. This is very cool and scary, isn't it? Are you sure you're okay? I'm fine. Are you okay? Prop the door with that bin, would you? Oh, did the lights just flicker? No, it was me. I'm just messing about with the torch. Be cool. I am cool. So there isn't a prototype small micro... Small modular reactor. Yeah, right. So there isn't one. No.

It was just like the seed vault. They built everything for it, but never saw it through. Or maybe it was another smoke screen to hide something else. I don't think we'd be able to get in so easily if that was the case. Overhead wouldn't just... Leave the door unlocked if they had a clone Triceratops down here or something. But how else would it feed, Gordon? It needs to feed. And it only eats... Archivists. Shut up.

So, have you heard any more from Aubrey? Yeah. I spoke to her the other night. While you were hyper-sleeping. You know you don't have to whisper down here. Look, considering how we got into this predicament, you're very laissez-faire about being overheard. What does she say? Not a lot. She mainly wants to hear about you, of course. Well, I am kind of a big deal. I'll be honest with you, Warren.

We're going down here because I'm leaving a data stick for Aubrey to pick up. She wants to see all of Bryony's work on you. What? That is wild. She wants to know what's happening with you so she can help. Are you angry? Why would I be angry? That is some...

Covert shit. I thought it was a bit mad to be coming down here for a day out. You're clearly bricking it. I just thought, I mean, it's your confidential information, you know? I think we're a bit past that, aren't we? How is she collecting it? Well, she says there's another exit.

It must be one of the disused mining tunnels from the other side of the mountain. It's much further from her end, but she's confident she can make it. Wow. All of this going on while I'm in hypersleep. What else do you guys get up to? Nothing really. When you're frozen and everyone else is gone, it's a bit... What? It's just nice to talk to someone. Right. I mean, I hope the tortoise will be good for you, but I appreciate she probably doesn't talk very much. Hey.

Look, I trust Waffles, but I still don't know if we can trust Aubrey. We don't know her, not really. I just think we have to take the risk. Sure, why not? I don't think anyone knows anyone, to be honest.

Would you rather have the head of a dolphin or the tail of a dolphin? I Think this is it. Yeah Great, isn't it? I guess it's got a kind of bat cave feel to it custard cream so it doesn't do anything else it's just this empty space. Well, I mean, it's not empty. Look, this is where the reactor was going to go. You could deliver it on a couple of trucks, trolley it down here, assemble it on site.

It could run the station easily. The plan was it could actually run a whole community. That's what the pamphlet said anyway. Maybe it was all made up. Yeah, right. So where are you going to leave all my deepest, darkest secrets? Oh, yeah. In one conspicuous tin of baked beans. Wait, is that one of our Bakewell tarts? Well, you said she liked Bakewell tarts. I said she gave me Bakewell tarts. Do you want me to take it back? No.

Now can we go, I'm cold. Sure. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah, just hang on. Hey, just get your torch out of my eyes. You're coughing blood. Oh. It's just a little blood. Warren. Look, let's get back. Warren, look, we need to talk about this while we're able to. What do you mean? I don't know when we'll get a chance to talk without Bryony on your shoulder while you're... Well, while you're in a good mood. In a good mood? You know what I mean. I don't want to do this. You don't want to do this?

How do you think I feel? Oh, yeah, you seem like you're having a really bad time. What? Don't pretend this whole set-up isn't your dream job, Gordon. Hey! I've spent the last few weeks scared out of my mind. For both of us. And all the time I've been trying... I've been trying to manage you. You're happy as Larry one minute, furious or upset the next. I've heard you scream in the night. I've heard you crying in the mornings. Do you think this is fun for me?

There's plenty of material for your archive, Gordon. Look, I watched you run a scalpel through your own hand. Okay. And you barely flinched. I watched you over and over. You walk off to go back into that pod not knowing if you're going to come back out again and... There's almost a spring in your step. It's obviously affecting you. Look, you've lost weight. You're pale as milk. You're coughing up blood. Bryony treats you worse than a lab rat. I... I just...

I can't understand. Do you want... Do you want to not make it out? Is that it? How's your memoir coming along? What? Your memoir. The one I found in your car on the way here. Do you remember? What was it called? Why do you want to talk about that? What was it called? Warren... It was called, You Can't Freeze a Soul, My Journey Into the Cryonic Void. Would you care to elaborate on that choice of title? Warren, look...

I never thought successful cryonic preservation could exist. I thought it was a joke science. I would love to hear your ruminations on the nature of my soul, Gordon. Or do you just think I don't have one? like every other nameless convict thrown on overheads conveyor belt of horrors don't tell me you don't lean in when briny starts using those long words don't tell me that if the chips hadn't fallen a little bit differently

I wouldn't be just another tape for you to play to a different schmuck from accounts in that fucking car park in the rain. If there is a spring in my step when I go into that cryo suite, it's because when I get into that pod, I go nowhere. I think of nothing. I simply am not. And every time I go in, I have that sliver of hope that if I do come out, the world might be a different place and I might be a different person.

It hasn't happened yet, so yeah, sometimes I am pretty disappointed when I come round. I'm sorry if that's bummed you out a couple of times on the way for your morning slash. Yeah, I'm done. Do you want to storm off or shall I?

You can go. No, no, you don't like being down on your own. You go. Okay. Overcast, freezing, daylight. Right, so that was two hours to get in, one hour forty to get back. 17,464 steps. Oh, Jesus. Bloody hell. Right, it's 15.30. I have the data. I'll look at it now. Actually, I'm going to have a nap and then I'll look at it. What time is it?

Shit. Hello. Gordon? Oh, you're there. Yes, I'm here. Sorry, I fell asleep. What time is it? It's a little after midnight. Midnight? How the hell is... Bloody hell. I was more tired than I thought. Gordon. Gordon, I did it. I've got it. I've got the data. That's brilliant, Aubrey. I haven't looked yet, but I'm all over it. I've had my night's sleep already, apparently. But...

The tunnel is almost completely safe. It's a bit twisty and turny and a bit dark and spooky But it's there it runs straight into the reactor room or cave or whatever it is And there was your bloody baked bean tin. I sat and ate half that Bakewell tart on the spot. Thank you, Gordon. It must have been hard. Yeah. Gordon, what's wrong? She put him back in again. Oh, God. We got out the tunnel.

We'd had a falling out. I'm just trying to look out for him, Aubrey. He was coughing up blood. I should never have taken him down there. It was just because I was too bloody frightened to do it on my own. What happened? She was waiting for us. At the entrance. Told us off like we were kids staying out too late. I tried to protest but they acted like I wasn't even there. Trying to stare each other out. And off they went.

He's already in the pod. We're going to do this, Gordon. We're going to save him, all right? All right. We can do this, you and me. All right. I mean, mainly me, but you can help. Thanks. Well, I'm up now. You want to play cards or something? Stop. No. No. There's a patch coming through from Hester. Sure. Hey, how are you doing? It's after three. Why are you awake? Do either of us really sleep anymore? Your shift's at seven, though. How is he?

Warren Godby has been out for the count for the last four hours. I have been watching him snore for a very long time. Thank God the quarantine glass is so thick. How'd the evening go? The same. Still confused. I thought it wouldn't take this long for him to come round. Hey, don't start that big brain going. We knew it was going to be a different emergence to any other. He'll be fine.

It's just taking longer. I know. I want you to sleep, okay? Okay. See you in a bit. Good night. All right, Warren. Visiting time's over. Time for cards with Gordon.

Cryo suite. Feels a bit much. You're responsible for setting up security, not me. Good point. This is weird. I haven't been in here since I changed your voice. I'm looking at Gordon and his cryopod and talking to him at the same time. You're talking to a virtual... Yes, I know. But you understand how that might be weird.

I appreciate the dichotomy. How are his readouts doing? The self-diagnostics on Gordon's cryopod repeat every 12 hours. Nothing has been outside of acceptable parameters. And the generator? How's the backup? Grace carried out the monthly backup generator service on the 30th with no issues This was in last week's report. Yes. Thank you. I Know all the fuss is going on in quarantine next door I just don't want you to think we've forgotten about you, Gordon. Right. We're going to play Bastard.

Did you know that card game is also called Shithead? Did you know that you are also called Shithead? Would you like me to play the next entry, Aubrey? You know me too well. Red Valley was written by Jonathan Williams and directed by Alan Mandel. All music and editing by Richard Orpheus Campbell, with sound design by Alexander Broad and Richard Orpheus Campbell. Carol Pestridge was assistant director.

Artwork by John Cook Lynch. Performances by Jonathan Williams as Warren Godby, Alan Mandel as Gordon Paulock, Tash Reith-Banks as Aubrey Wood, Susan Hingley as Hester Hiyashi, Rachel Fowler as Pamela Jennings, Dayon Broney as DeGracious Mele, Carol Pestridge as Waffles, with Alan Mandel as Gord. Thanks for listening. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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