S2E4: Idiots In The Snow

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You seem very trusting, whoever you are. I'm pointing pepper spray at your face. Oh, excellent. Good Lord. Yes. Warren Gottby. Yes, yes, it's me. Everyone says my name like that now. Makes me feel like Harry Potter. I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you with a hat and a scarf. Do you? Do you remember me? I...

Don't, but don't be offended. It doesn't reflect on the quality of impression you may have made on me, more my own mental hygiene, which is questionable at best. It's Dr. Aubrey. Dr. Wood. Aubrey. Wood. Let me boil the kettle. Ah, well, that makes sense. Why does that make sense? Well, Dr. Aubrey, Dr. Woods, Aubrey Woods. Seems a lot of the real things that have happened to me I don't remember and a lot of the things I remember have turned out to not actually be real so

Here I am taking a walk in a snowstorm and out of nowhere is a Mazda Bongo Frendi and inside that Mazda Bongo Frendi is Aubrey Wood. I think there's at least a passing chance that none of this is real and I'm out here to have.

I don't know, an epiphany of some kind, and you're like my Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi? Yeah, maybe I've passed out in the snow like Luke Skywalker, maybe I'm just screaming into the wind, who knows. And here you are to tell me to... go to the Dagobah system learn from Yoda the Jedi master who yes yeah you know it of course should we wait on the kettle for a moment yeah sure why not sorry Warren can we start again

Uh, yeah, of course. I'm not your Jedi spirit guide. Spirit guide. But if I was, why would it be me, Aubrey, if you don't remember meeting me? Well, I know you from all your tapes. My tapes? Yeah, the ones you gave Gordon Porlock. Well...

I assume you gave them to him. I never asked how he got them actually. You know Gordon Porlock? Well, yeah, yeah, of course. I mean, Gordon's back at the station. He's the caretaker. Gordon Porlock is at Red Valley with you right now. Well, right now I'm with my Jedi spirit guide. Okay. I need to go back to the start, please. Absolutely. So Luke is lost on the ice planet of Hoth. No, no, no, no. The start of this. Oh, right.

Well, that all started when Doug Holder, my manager, sent me to chase a budget review case for accounts, which I now think was a deliberate breadcrumb trail for me to find my way back to Red Valley, and on the way, I met Gordon. who I thought for a while might be in on the whole conspiracy, but it really does just seem to have been a gratuitous coincidence. Stop, stop, stop, stop. What is this the start of? Well, my adventures in hypersleep. Oh.

Oh, I see. You want me to go back to the star, star. I understand. I've had counselling before. This is good. Get me to open up, facilitate the epiphany. I was born in Gravesend in Kent in 1982. I have a sister called Emily, and I'm here because... Well, poor decision. No, no, no, no. Stop. I don't have any more starts. Let me think for a minute. I'll pour the tea. Sure. Actually, there's a Bakewell tart behind you on the shelf there in a carrier bag. I bloody love Bakewell tart.

You and I met in a penal facility in Norfolk a few years ago. Yes, yes, I think I know that. You were screening for candidates for the teddy bears picnic. How do you know that? I didn't make it onto the program for whatever reason. Then once that was over, apparently they came back for me.

And some of the others, and we were in the next programme. Yes. I don't know if that had a silly name too. And I have been trying to work out exactly what they've been doing since. Since I left the company. Since all those people died and Bryony Halbeck abandoned you. Yes. After Teddy Bear's picnic, I didn't know where they would go next, but I still knew all the rejected candidates we had interviewed. So I checked on them occasionally and...

Sure enough, they just went back and hooded up all the people who didn't make it first time around. They must have been desperate. No offence. None taken, spirit guide. I'm not your spirit guide, Warren. I mean, the reason we chose who we chose for the teddy bear's picnic was because of their physical condition, not...

Just their health, but their families. No history of Alzheimer's or any form of dementia or brain cancers or neurological disease of any kind. A completely clean bill of physical and mental health. Everyone else had red flags. Your, um... Your mother, she had... Oh, an aneurysm. You have a file. Yeah, that was it, an aneurysm. And there were multiple cancers and so on in your family, weren't there?

I mean, you probably know more about that than I do. Wait. Wait. What now? We were just getting into it. I'm doing this all backwards. I wasn't expecting this at all, what Warren Godby to appear out of a blizzard. Sorry. Are you on your own? Why were you out there? Just needed some air. Felt like I hadn't had fresh air for months. Which is true, of course. I guess I haven't had any air for months, fresh or otherwise. What does that mean? Well, since I continued. Since you what?

Since they woke me up. Are we going to cut this tart or just stare at it? Fuck the tart. What did you just say? Well, I was in hypersleep. For three months. You've already done it. You've been in hypersleep. For three months? Three months this time. One month the first time. And that first time, well, that's the one that really fucked with me. That's why I don't remember meeting you. I certainly don't remember being in prison or how I got there. So that must be, like, two years I lost.

Jesus Christ. Could you pass the knife? Thank you. This is very good technique. You're freaking out, which is making me calm down. There's tea, there's tart.

This van, it's adorable. Whether it's real or not. Who's there? At the station right now. I've been watching people come and go for weeks, but too far away to identify anyone. That's me, Gordon. Why is Gordon there? Well, we came together. Then they kind of strong-armed him into a Jack Torrance in the Shining type caretaker job. Unless... Unless what? Well, maybe this is all part of Grace's stupid memory test. Maybe Gordon's a fucking set up as well. Who knows?

I mean, I thought Bryony Halbeck was my wife for like a year, so... Bryony Halbeck? Bryony's there now? I mean, yes, I guess. She could have turned into smoke or beamed back to her home planet by now. We definitely know the same Bryony Halbeck. That was good.

cheap cake. Thank you. Spirit guide or not. I should probably be getting back though. Are you going to impart some wisdom or something? I don't know what to say. Well then why are you here? Look, I'm not your bloody spirit guide. I'm Aubrey Wood. I live in this van.

I haven't spoken to anyone apart from pleasers and thank yous in weeks. I live on super noodles and cakes. I haven't had a proper bath in 18 months. I'm at least partially responsible for everything that's happened to you. And I'm directly responsible for the deaths of every subject in that stupid, terrible picnic.

And now I'm sat here night after night, freezing to death, poetically enough, and it's all happening down the damn road right now. Everything I wanted and now everything I want to stop is happening right now. Aubrey, come on. It's okay. I'm only saying... If you're looking for wisdom, you've come to the wrong minivan. I'm just another idiot in the snow. I told you, I listen to your tapes. I don't think you're a bad person. You don't think I'm a real person. Well...

On the off chance that you are, we're more than just a list of all the bad things we've done. That almost sounded wise. Maybe you got your epiphany after all. Well, my mum would say it. When she would defend my dad. But everything is context, I suppose. Well, stealing this file was one of my first acts of espionage. I don't know if anything in it is useful, but it belongs to you. Oh. If you want it, of course. No.

Yeah. The tea and cake was a lovely surprise. Let's not spoil it. And, hey, I've listened to your tapes, you've read my file, we know all this stuff about each other, it's a bit like... Like we're friends. Well, I was gonna say massively invading each other's privacy, but... Right, well, that's a bit like friends. I mean, I really wouldn't know. Me either. I'm sorry.

I'm wondering what to do next. I wanted to stop anyone else getting hurt at Red Valley, and here you are. We should drive away, shouldn't we? Or I should come back with you and, I don't know, do a Rambo? No. No, look, I'm just sat on the train. There's leaves on the line. Hopefully I've got a book. I'm just going to lean back and go with it. I don't know what any of that means. And Clive Schill would probably brain you with a fire extinguisher by the sounds of it. Clive Schill is there.

Oh, that man is such a bellend. He called me a bellend today. He's so mean. Speaking of which, he is probably out here right now, little boy. You have a con with you? Yeah. Gordon gave me his. We talk on Sneaky Channel 6, but everyone else... Is on Channel 2. Bingo. Grace, have you got eyes on this prick yet? If your answer's no, I've got a fire extinguisher I want you to meet. I'll bash your fucking head in your...

I mean, really, you could set your watch by him, couldn't you? If you want to stay a secret squirrel, I'd better be off. Warren, could I... could I have that? Want to come? Yeah, sure, there's loads. Thank you. Thank you. this has been really nice and if i am just talking to myself in the snow it's been a really pleasant way of losing my mind oh wait wait what i can prove i'm real i record everything you record everything

Yes, all of this. I can put it on a stick and you can listen again later when you're in the mood and you'll know it's all real. Here you go. You people and your recording. You can take the girl out of overhead. Oh, truer than you know. Right, well, see you later then. Oh, oh, was God here over Christmas? Uh, yeah, I think they left him in charge. Oh, could you apologise to him for me?

I think I drove the van a little too close on Christmas Eve. Scared the shit out of some guy with eyes like a mole and a screechy voice. That sounds like Gordon. Will do. Toodlepip! And Warren, I want you to remember... If you've really been through hypersleep twice and survived, you might be the most valuable commodity overhead I've ever had. Don't let them forget it. That's him! That's him! That's him! Fucking let me see! That plate of shit.

I'm going to fucking kill that guy. Well, he looks fine. Let me go out and speak to him. You want to go and speak to him? Well, he looks totally fine. I can make sure he's okay. Maybe let him go. Maybe let him go? Let him go? Who's in charge here? This guy? This piss-drinking motherfucker? I've never done that. Oh, you floridly drink piss. He's nearly at the door. I'll go. You're going to go? Grace, just back off.

Go and make things ready downstairs. Look, we made a connection. He trusts me. Oh, my God. You are ridiculous. Fucking amateur hour here. You picked these guys, not me. I didn't pick Uncle Fucknut, the piss fiend. Bryony, this is why I'm here, isn't it?

To help him? You were the prick who let him go in the first place. That is true. I'm sorry about that. He's clearly having trouble. I think that's to be expected. Grace, where are you going? I'm going to see him. Why? What did I just tell you to do? Degrace a smell, eh? Don't you go anywhere near that door. Hello, everyone. Hi, Warren. You stupid arsehole. Clive, it's fine. I just went for a walk. Warren, it's me.

Dr. Mellon? Dr. Mellon? You could have slipped over on the ice and broke your fucking head. You could have got hypothermia and fucking died. That's literally not possible. He has cryoprotectant for blood, Clive. That's sweet of you. I don't give a shit about you, you dozy prick. I'll eat your fucking teeth. That's more like it. Downstairs, everyone, walk. What in?

I understand this must be a trying time. Now tell me, how do you feel at this moment? Could you take my coat? Gordon, I'm here. Do you need to take my arm? Yeah, I'm good. Can you just hold on to my gloves? Yeah. Where's your con? Oh, I've lost that somewhere. He lost it. Could you make sure they go on a radiator? I don't want them getting damp. Yeah. Seriously, Gordon. They'll smell otherwise. Okay.

Bryony, you really think you've got this shit under control? Oddly enough, it only got like this after you arrived. Oh, this is me, is it? He's here. He's fine. You need more people here. I need the right people here. I'm doing my best. You're doing too much. You can never do too much. You see, this is why you... You will never be on top. Oh shut up. You are not the Wolf of Wall Street. Warren, where did you go? Nowhere, nowhere. Just look after the gloves, alright? They look expensive.

What are we even doing back down here? He needs to rest. Grace, I told you to get things set up. Do I have to ask you again? Set up, set up. Wait, what? Are we going back? I'm fine with it. I would just like to talk to you. Dr. Holbeck, are we... Do you want him back in hypersleep? I thought that was obvious. What? Is it not obvious? I want to punish the little piss drinker as much as you. Piss drinker? I thought that was me. You what?

Clive's getting tired. Do you actually drink urine? No one drinks urine. They both drink urine and they love it. Halbeck, we need this guy in one piece. He's fine, the work continues. I do love it when she talks like that. Grace, you suck. Can I talk to you all? Pam, he needs a new line. Sit him down. I can sit myself down. That's fine. The kitchen's here. She asked me, and that's the tracheostomy tray. There's lines in the top drawer.

This guy's the golden fucking egg, Bryony. You keep that golden egg polished and nice in a special box with some soft padding in it. We have the most special box on earth. His box costs more than your house. Yeah, and you're supposed to dip the egg in glitter. You don't roll it in...

shit right before you take it to market. Well, that was a smorgasbord of mixed metaphors. A meta-forgasbord. What? Okay, guys. Warren, what are you doing? This was always your plan. Put him straight back in. Oh, yes. Warren, that's the scalpel. You can put that down. Guys, I... I don't believe you. I'm heartbroken by that news. Guys, this... I don't know how to say it. It's silly. Warren. Everybody be quiet. The machine's warming up. Well, let's get going.

Everyone, I'm sorry. I just need to talk to you. What the fuck is he doing? Back up. Back up. He's got it now. Warren, I think you need to relax. I'm totally relaxed. That's the point. I'm... Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra. What? Is that a Star Trek reference? That's a Next Generation reference, yeah. You fucking people! You love the fucking 90s so much, I'll get Chesney Hawks to marry you both.

You can do the fucking Batman together while I drown you in sunny delight. I'm trying to say, sounds ridiculous, this is a hostage situation. A what? How are you going to hold us hostage? Oh no, I mean, I'm holding myself hostage. Look like this. Jesus! What are you doing? This is what I'm talking about. I wouldn't worry about it. Oh, who's worried? He's just put a scalpel through his bloody hand.

Gobby, I swear to the god of fuck, if you don't pull your shit together... I know, I know, I know. You'll grind my brains into caviar, you'll drape your iron balls round my neck and bang them against my skull like a Newton's cradle until my teeth fall now. It's all very intimidating.

But it's unnecessary. What I'm saying is, I'm happy to do it. I'm happy to go back in the special box. I don't mind. Warren, listen, it's me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dr. Belli. Back up. I'll push this right through my fucking neck. I'm not fussed. I'm really not fussed. I'm just saying I'm happy to help but frankly at this stage kind of seems like you need me more than I need you. Without me

You're all just idiots in the snow, so I have some requests. Is that cool? Go ahead. Thank you. Thank you. Right. Stop being so mean to Gordon. He's here to help you. Even though you basically kidnapped him, you just don't have to be so mean to him, all right? All right. Okay, so what else do we want? Gordon, what else do we want? What do we want? Tea bags.

I don't know what bulk discount you got on whatever ones you have, but yeah, that's false economy, really. The tea is bad. Yes, so decent tea and food, decent food.

not just this vanilla vitamin dust that we have to drink some actual good food i mean ready meals are fine let's be reasonable but we need some treats uh bakewell tarts yeah a bunch of that stuff actually cherry bakewells fondant fancies uh battenbergs oh i i hate battenbergs oh you hate i mean do you think i could have some cakes that i want for for being chronically frozen is that okay yeah yeah

I mean, I'm negotiating here. I mean, what do you want? I'd like penguins. Penguins? You're shooting for the mood a bit there, mate. No, no, the chocolate, the penguin bars. With the jokes on the back. Yeah. Okay. Penguins. Fine. Um... And when you guys come to visit in your fancy helicopter, I don't think it's too much to ask that you bring pizza. I mean, so it's a treat. Right. Okay. You finished? And a tortoise for Gordon.

A real fucking tortoise. And all the stuff you need to look after one. The, well, I mean, it's not an aquarium, is it? Vavarium. Yeah, that. Vavarium. And the hot lamp thing. Whatever it is they eat. A good one. from a reputable tortoise tradesperson. Fine. Fine. That's fine. Yeah, don't worry about it. Good. Good. So, uh, yeah, I mean, yeah, I'll just...

Okay, let's put some pressure on it. We're going to need to ultrasound it. Gordon, there's iodine over there. No, no, let's bandage it and take him down. We'll do that when he next emerges. What? What are you doing, Halbeck? The treatment could be revolutionary for emergency medical techniques. Extreme hypothermic treatment could...

drastically increase the time for clinicians to treat life-threatening injuries. It's a good chance to test it. Are you out of your mind? Unless you'd like him shot, we do have a gun in the safe. You have a gun in the safe? Right, put him to bed, then we need to talk. Of course. Grace, do the safe to fly list on the pod. Pamela, get the saline ready. Yeah. Gordon, can you address the wound for now? Yeah. Warren? Right. You know the way? Stop.

Would you like me to play the next entry, Aubrey? No, I wouldn't. Jesus, Aubrey. Hester, bloody hell. How long have you been standing there? Long enough to hear Warren put a knife through his hand. I told you what he'd been through. What Halbeck was doing to him. I know. I just... hadn't heard it in so long. I'd forgotten how upsetting it is. I know.

Fucking hell. What? His hand. When I was helping put his IV back in, I saw it. The wound on his hand. It hasn't even scarred over yet. You get why I'm listening to all this now. It was just a few weeks ago for him. I'd forgotten what this felt like. The utter mindfuck of hypersleep. We've all been there. Not like this. He's not the first person to arrive who's been through trauma. Only he didn't arrive, did he?

We did. He's been here all this time buried in the mountainside and this is what's fresh in his mind. This is going to work. Just the continued treatment alone will be having a therapeutic effect on his brain chemistry. For better or worse, this is what Halbeck's treatment does. Beyond the science bullshit, though.

Can we give him what he actually needs? Which is a safe space, a support network, friends... I don't know. You're the one who's supposed to walk in here and give me the reassurance. You're the brick and I'm the balloon tied to it. That's what you used to say. Even bricks get to freak out occasionally, my love. It's going to be okay. It's probably going to be okay. We're going to leave this place.

We're going to move on like we've done before and we'll build something new. And Warren can decide for himself whether he wants to be a part of it. You really think we're going, don't you? I do. You are a bloody balloon. then thank goodness I'm tied to you. Stop anyone else getting hurt at Red Valley and... Here you are. It's really late. I'm sat in the records room because I'm currently listening to the contents of the USB stick that was tucked into one's glove.

hopefully i've got a book i'm just going to lean back and go with it warren's been put back into hypersleep no bedside chat to reassure each other this time but i don't think he needed it he looked totally calm bleeding with a hole in his hand he did to himself. I looked over at Clive, and for the first and surely only time ever we both had the exact same expression, which is perhaps the scariest thing that's happened to me since I first got here. Then...

Brian, he kicked us both out. Clive ordered his helicopter and was gone in an hour, so I'm alone again. I mean, really, you could set your watch by him, couldn't you? If you want to stay a secret squirrel, I'd better be off. Why? Oh my God. Come on. Red Valley was written by Jonathan Williams and directed by Alan Mandel. All music and editing by Richard Orpheus Campbell, with sound design by Alexander Broad and Richard Orpheus Campbell. Carol Pestridge was assistant director.

Performances by Jonathan Williams as Warren Godby, Tash Reithbanks as Aubrey Wood, Alan Mandel as Gordon Porlock, May Cunningham as Bryony Halbeck, Alexander Broad as Clive Schill, Rachel Fowler as Pamela Jennings, Dayon Broney as De Gracious Mele, and Susan Hingley as Hester Hiyashi, with Alan Mandel as Gord and Natalie Day as Blue Sky. Thanks for listening.

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