Red Valley is intended for mature audiences and contains scenes some listeners may find distressing. Please go to redvalleypod.com for full content warnings on every episode. Do you want to continue? Wait, hang on a second. Wait. Yep, it's on. Okay. Okay, go ahead. Wait, should we start this conversation again, or what? No, no, let's just carry on.
doesn't sound very formal to me. Well, it isn't formal. It's private. I thought that was the point. What? I want you to take this seriously, okay? I do. I am. I need you to. I promise you, I'm taking this seriously. Come on, you asked me to record it, I went and got your dictaphone. Go ahead, please. How much do you know about cryonic preservation? Cryonic preservation. The preservation of human beings at extreme low temperature.
You mean like Walt Disney? I swear to God, if you say anything about Walt Disney's frozen fucking head, I'm hanging up this phone right now. Good afternoon. Thanks for holding. You're through to Storage Solutions. How can I help? Oh, hi. I wonder if you can. I'm Warren Godby. I'm from Accounts. Good afternoon, Mr Godby. How can I help? Yes, I'm trying to find the department that looks after one of the company's facilities. Which facility would that be? It's a seed vault. Oh, what, sorry?
Yeah, it sounded weird to me too. A seed vault? I think it's like a cold storage thing for keeping emergency crop supplies. That doesn't sound like anything we have here. Oh, really? I thought storage solutions would be the right place. No. Try Agric Solutions. Agriculture. Good idea. Thank you, Mr Godby. Have a great afternoon. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hello, Agric Solutions, this is Tracy speaking, how can I help? Hello, my name's Warren Godby, I'm from Accounts.
I'm looking into a facility that we have on our books and I can't actually find the department it comes under. You can't find the department? No. It sounds daft, doesn't it? What facility is it? It's a sea vault storing... Seeds. I was pointed towards you guys. Never heard of it. Oh, that is a shame. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Well, yeah, I really wouldn't mind speaking to... Mr Jacobs is on annual leave till the 17th.
Thank you for your call. Goodbye. Sorry, what did you say it was? A seed vault. What? Is that geographical science? No. Bioscience. Sorry, do you have the extension? He wants to come in Wednesday. That's too long not to have a shower. That's all he can do. And he wants to do the cabinet doors. What's wrong with the cabinet doors? He wants to put those slow closing hinges on them so they don't slam.
Why? Do we slam them too loudly? I don't know. Are people complaining that we slam our cabinets too loudly? Who cares? It's his money. You tell him the shower's broken and he wants to change the hinges on the bloody cabinets. He said it'll extend their lifespan.
You alright there? The life span? I know, he's such a dick. I'm sorry Mr Landlord, how many slams have these cabinet doors had? Two? Three thousand? I'm sorry honey, we can't move in here. There's just been too many slams per cabinet. It's false economy. And there's no shower. And there's no shower. You took your pills this morning. Doug, hey. Warren, just checking in. Yep, it's good to hear from you. Are you having fun?
I am, yeah, it is a goose chase alright. No one's biting. I've been bouncing around all day long. I've still got some more to follow up on. You're getting an idea of the size of the company now? It's... Ridiculous. I'm sorry, it is. No, you're right. It is. I've never known anything like it. Welcome to Overhead. Keep digging.
This is Mr. Godby from Accounts. He's asked to see you. Oh, er, hi. I didn't have an appointment booked in. Ah, I've never booked an appointment for you before. Ah, yeah, OK. Well, thanks, Jenny. I... Oh. Yeah, I'm glad it's not just me. What's that? Just, it seems really hard to talk to anyone around here. Everyone's so occupied. Well, don't take it personally. Probably just worried you're here to streamline their department or...
close it down completely, something like that. Right. It's a shame there's such a reputation that goes with accounts. I would like to change that if I could. Are you new? Yes. Three months in. Anyway, I really don't want to take up much of your time, so I'll just... Anyway, I've been around the houses a bit looking for something. An account, obviously.
I thought it was an ongoing project, but I can't find a trace of it anywhere, so I thought I'd try yourselves in archives next. I know some departments get repurposed, or maybe renamed, so... Right. What it is, well, I think it's a seed bank or a seed vault, something like that. Like, they have one up in Svalbard in Norway, like an end-of-the-world resource of all the essential...
crops and seeds and whatever. They call it a doomsday vault. I'm starting to feel like this is a practical joke. You're talking about the Red Valley Seed Vault. Sorry, the what? How long did you say you've been with the company? Three months. Sorry, what's Red Valley? Is that a name or a place? Do you have a card I could take? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do. You're actually the first person to ask for one of these. There you go. That's me.
This is great. The Red Valley Seed Vault, right? You've definitely never heard of it. This is the first time I've heard anything about it. That's just the usual, you know, loose ends in the budget review, and my line manager asked me to follow up on it. Your line manager? Doug Holder. Nice guy.
Red Valley was a small holding next to a very small mountain called Bay and Bag, affectionately known as Bean Bag, only no one's got any affection for it, so we just called it Ball Bag. Ball Bag. Yeah, indeed. You were there? You worked there yourself? No, I was just part of the redevelopment team. The land was snatched up by the government during the Cold War and they built a small missile tracking base on it. A tiny unit, a skeleton crew.
People had been throwing around the idea of an emergency crop resource in the event of a nuclear incident, and as the site was already militarized and isolated, they started working on a vault. Then the Cold War ended. And then I guess the money stopped? Yeah, it did. It stood empty until Overhead acquired the company that had built the vault for the government. They bought it out entirely. And that's when I was put on the team.
to modernize the vault to improve it to the highest standard. So why wasn't it finished? Well, you tell me. Accounts swooped in and killed it before we ever got the plans approved. I'm sorry, I wish I had an answer for that. Well, if, um... If you want to see, I've still got the file for those plans on my screen right here. Yeah, that would actually be great. Just come around here then. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's it. Just scoot around here.
Here we go. This is just a bunch of adverts for tortoises? I know. I'm buying a tortoise. Why? Swear to me, you've never heard of the Red Valley Seabolt until I just told you. What? Why? Swear to me or we're gonna have a problem. I swear? You've never heard of it. I'm learning a lot today. You swear? I swear. You swear?
Where? Could you take your hand off my knee? Look, Warren, if they're sending the butter wouldn't melt a new boy looking for Red Valley, it'll be for a reason. And not a happy, touchy, feely, smiley reason. A creepy, suspicious, nasty one. Trust me. Look, Mr. Portlock, you've been really helpful. I'm very grateful. I said I wouldn't take up much of your valuable time, and neither of us have blinked for about 30 seconds, so... Are you recording this, Warren?
Am I what? Recording this. You should be. I am. You're recording this conversation. Right now. You bet I am. Right, this is very funny. This is a very fine joke. I'm sorry if the council have treated you badly in the past. I'm not making fun of you, Warren. If I wanted to do that, I'd draw attention to your puby beard and your little toddler hands. Oh, nice. I feel so much better now. Stationery is just down the corridor.
There's dictaphones in there. Go in and help yourself. I want you to tape every conversation you have now, Warren. You might need it. Righty-ho. Will do. I know how many are in there. I'll count them once you're gone. It's been wonderful meeting you, Mr. Porlock. Call me Gordon. I sure will. Warren? Yes? Have you streamlined any other department yet? Um, yes.
I did. A meat printing project. Meat printing? Yeah, like organic 3D printing. It was a terrible project. We closed the whole department. How did that feel? It was awful. Don't get a tortoise. Why not? They never love you back. You have three new messages. First new message received today at 1534 hours. Warren I very much enjoyed our meeting this afternoon. Yeah, I'd be happy to help my mobile number is oh seven seven nine six six sky one six Do you listen again message deleted?
Next, new message. Received today at 16.15 hours. Hi, Warren. I'm sending you something. To your house. I hope you don't mind. I got your address from payroll. I just pretended to be you on the phone. It was funny, actually. To listen again, press 1. To save, message deleted. New message received today at 16.18 hours. I'm playing this back in my mind. I'm probably really creeping you out, aren't I? I am sorry. I don't get to talk about this stuff very much.
I'm sorry I pretended to be you on the phone to payroll and shouted at them to give me your address. Probably sounded weird when I just blurted that out in my last message. Anyway, call me when you get my package. I sent an overhead courier actually so you should pro... Hey! Hey, where are you? I got stuck on the M4, I'm sorry. I'm just past Newbury. Were you going to Miss T? I know. I'm sorry. Well, there's a package for you. Korea delivered this a while ago. How the fuck did he do that?
Who? Don't worry, I've got some calls to make, but I'm really sorry. Okay, I'll see you when you're back. Mr. Porlock. Gordon, please. Right. Gordon, it is. Did you get my package? I did. You got that here really fast. The item wasn't with me. It was at a storage locker in a facility we have near Chepstow. Nearer to you than it was to me. No one knows what it is. It's just another box with another barcode on it. You've opened it? Yes, I have. It's an old dictaphone cassette.
You haven't listened to it yet? No, I wanted to speak to you first. You know the voicemails you left me earlier, the whole getting my address thing? Yes, yes, yes. Sorry about that. I just wanted to move quickly and throw you right in, so to speak. Throw me into what? Are you recording this conversation? No. There's one thing I asked you to do. If you're not being careful enough, even at this stage, I don't know if I want to take this any further. Gordon.
The only purpose of my visit was to understand the use of our funds in and around a seed vault facility, Red Valley, whatever that is, to answer an inquiry from my line manager, Doug. This is all really... Please turn on your recorder. Hold it up to the phone. And record it. Fine. Hang on. You're alone, I take it. Sorry, say that again. You're alone? Yes, it's late. My wife's in bed already. Is that it? Is it on? Wait, hang on a second. Wait. Yep, it's on. Okay. Okay, go ahead.
Wait, should we start this conversation again or what? No, no, let's just carry on. That doesn't sound very formal to me. Well, it isn't formal. It's private. I thought that was the point. What? I want you to take this seriously, okay? I do. I am. I need you to. I promise you, I'm taking this seriously. Come on. You asked me to record it. I went and got your dictaphone. Go ahead, please.
How much do you know about cryonic preservation? Cryonic preservation. I don't know. Is that like cryogenics? No. No, it's not like that at all. Everyone knows the word cryogenics. That's not what this is. I mean, that is part of it. Maybe that's where it started. I don't know. There isn't a cryogenics division anymore, I mean, that I know of. Who knows? Right. But cryogenics is not the term I'm trying to explain. Cryogenics deals with the production of extreme low temperature
and the effects of those temperatures. I'm talking about cryonics, and that deals very specifically with one thing. Okay. Human beings. Human beings. The preservation of human beings at extreme low temperature. You mean like Walt Disney? I swear to God, if you say anything about Walt Disney's frozen fucking head, I'm hanging up this phone right now.
I don't know what you mean. Don't fucking laugh at me. I'm not laughing at you. I just don't know what you're trying to tell me. Fine. You want to save the backstory for later, we'll do it that way. Some people have their bodies frozen at the point of death. in the hope that one day they can be brought back to life. A handful of very optimistic and very rich people. We own one of the companies that do that. Okay. Yes. Okay.
That's all legal. That's all above board. People can spend their money on whatever they want. Liposuction, buy-to-rent housing, a national trust membership, fine. You want all your blood drained out in exchange for a cryoprotectant compound that will preserve your organs and tissues in the chance you might be resuscitated one day and live in the future. Be my guest.
But no one wants to talk about how we get to that future, Warren. What are you talking about? These people imagine it'll be like the movies. They'll wake up like Sigourney Weaver and Alien, peaceful in her little hypersleep pod, years from now looking fabulous. Some of them, they don't even want to wait till they die. That's much more grisly and complicated. They'd like to be frozen right now while they're fit and healthy, ready to see the future. But they're not interested in the cost.
And I don't mean money, Warren. Hard as that might be for someone like you to understand. Look, Gordon. There's not a lot of seeds in the Red Valley seed vault, Warren. Listen to the tape. Don't tell Doug Holder. and record everything you do. Red Valley was written by Jonathan Williams and directed by Alan Mandel and Jonathan Williams. All recording, editing, music and sound design by Richard Campbell at Orpheus Studio London with Carol Pestridge as creative consultant.
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