What Men Really Think About Love

talented and very different. Actor director Justin Baldoni is married with two kids, but he says it didn't come easily. And Grammy winning rapper Wile is ready for his perfect match, but as skeptical it will ever happen. Hey you two, I should have won my son glass. We're glowing. We're glowing up. It's just a energy because y'all are like the same person, but like it's not and it's like very powerful and it's like this table is like glowing, not like X men, black X woman. Thank you, we

appreciate it. Today we're gonna be trying to get to an understanding of what love is about. We think we know how to love. That's the thing we think that we come into relationships. You meet somebody that you really like, and you think that person knows how to love you, and you think you know how to love them, and the truth of the matter is you have no idea. And the excruciating part about it is really learning what

love is and what loves about. I recently had like like a relation, Like I really think like, uh, maybe it's time to have somebody that's about on with somebody, really, I think because I'm doing all of these things that would be funny to do with somebody that was with me. I just came from Paris and like I'm like walking around the streets Paris. Why am I in Paris? Like no, like by myself? Yeah, Like what's up with me? What is it me? No? No, it is me, it's me,

But it's me. It's me. There's been time that I was really, really in love and it wasn't me, and maybe that shaped it to be what I've become. I'm gonna really try to deal with the things that have messed up with and just trying to figure it out because nobody wants see nobody just what it's always by myself, like where your vampirely. I can't do that at a moment, but no, I feel you. Here's what I'll tell you,

just personally. In my journey, what I had to realize was that I had to find all the peace, love and joy within my heart in order to bring it to the table to share. Will had to go away and find the peace, love and joy in his heart to share, so that that's what we share instead of our traumas from our childhood. You know, all of our insecurities and fears that we usually come to the table with in our relationships that have our partners fixed. I need you to be this thing for me so I

don't feel a certain way. And what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna put so much pressure on you and find really sneaky ways to manipulate you so that you will always be the thing that I need you to be so that I'm happy. I was raising my handbook, can you run from President of Love? But um, the partnership that you're talking about, that's the goal. That's the lightly end of the tunnel I'm saying. But in my industry, a lot of times, the wealthiest, most known person in

the room is usually the Loneliest. I got famous young in d C. And I's like seen how women were like acting around me, and I think it shaped how I viewed women moving forward. So I'm like, okay, like if they changed how they were acting towards you, You're talking to a rapper, and it's like, all I see is promiscuous behavior. All I see is, oh, my man played for this team and his wife cheating on him

for somebody that I'm seeing this first hand. And then I fell head over hills for somebody in this industry. I've seen how vicious it can be and how gutted I was. I was never really I was never really the same our industry, entertainment, everybody moves on so fast we can't even argue. Think about that. You can't even we argue. Two days later, you on you and Grace Stone with a fourth string running back. So when you talk about girls, young ladies, any conflict, they're they're gone.

So whoever's wrong, whoever's right, doesn't matter. You can't even reconcile. You're just onto the next one. Man. This is interesting because I've heard so many women say that about men, that it's not a lot of men out here that want to have relationships about relationship because relationships take work.

The best description of marriage I ever got was from a good friend of mine who said, marriages to people that take a lifetime full of Yeah, they take two people and you bring your your like bags and this person brings their bags of it, and then you all put it in this front yard and that is your foundation for your house. That is, it becomes your fertilizer for which your marriage can grow. But we're not trained to think about it, right, what is love in like

two sentences? Sometimes it's really hard for me to talk about it because being at a stage of where you are looking for a relationship, look for someone to create a foundation with versus someone like myself who has done it for the last five years. Because there's evolutions to it. Yeah, right, what you think is right and then when it grows to be and what you learn. So I'm twenty five years in and my concept of love is very different than with someone looking, looking for and ready for our

completely different speciums. Though I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm not looking because if I'm looking, I could go I can go to that Starbucks around the corner in Calibasa what's you like? You know what I'm saying, like like that's looking ready for is like ready to love? You already ready to love. But you know what's interesting is I know a lot of men that are our age that's say they're ready, but don't necessarily back it up. And I don't think it's just in the entertainment business or whatever.

And I don't think. I think everything that you talked about your experience as a celebrity is very similar to the experience that a lot of young women and men are having to disagree. Bro you know why if I take out a woman or if I'm kicking it with a girl without anything, there's a part of it that turns into an interview like they they're so unamoroued with the business that I'm in that they're not really seeing

me as a person. Even you your celebrity. If you're out and you chilling, and you could tell when somebody's looking at you like a woman and when they're looking at you like a statue. Like But I think what Justice trying to say is that at the core of it, at the core of it, it's a human issue that's happening right now. And I think it's a symptom of you talked about instant gratification. Thank god tender wasn't around

when I met my wife. So how did you meet your wife after a year of like just soul searching and patience and and trying to figure out my life. Coincidentally, she had under the exact same thing, and we met in the business that way. It was not easy. Yeah, nothing the dating process. But the dating process was at times like painfully horrific. My wife and I we went deep. It was uncomfortable. We realized we wanted different things. At times, we weren't sure if we were spiritually aligned. We were

from completely different countries. But I jumped in and I said, this is me, these are my flaws, these are my insecurities, like this is this is all of the things that are wrong with me. And she wanted to walk away and I kept chasing her right, so there was there was a balance. She needed space. I didn't understand what space meant, which, because we worked through it ended up

being the foundation of a beautiful, healthy marriage. But I have so many friends that are ready that jumped into these things and at the first sign of conflict we had but we had had a buffet. Now I don't like the broccoli. Ma, I'm gonna gospergus exactly like a spags man. I must just get to potatose. It's quick. Now, this is what what you do? Where's his camera? His camera? That's what I want you to do, because I know you're looking for love. I want to tell the camera

you want and a woman. I want to hear this. That's what I actually want to hear it too. I want to hear if you even know. I want a woman to show me what I want in a woman. That's what I want. You don't know what I don't know. I want to leave it like a woman. I believe. I believe that intuition a stronger, immense period. Do you want to be to tell you what you want? Okay? God be my friend for real? Like loyalty is that, like it's very important and understanding because I am not

a regular man. For better or worse, my my my badest, bad, my goodest amazing. So you need someone to understand that I'm crazy pretty much right to be patient it with. You're crazy, So you want a woman. But that's loyalty. But it's also somebody who's bringing something to the table, whether emotionally or other. Right, not just somebody that's gonna be take, take take. I've been stabbing the back by people that I grew up with. So let alone somebody

that I'm just meeting. Let alone as somebody that knows that there are first dates. Feels like an interview. It's an emotional desert out here. People think that love equals satiating all of their pain, the tragedies that they've been through in their life. It's like a little puzzle how you're supposed to satiate even from daddy issues, from being

left to abandoned. But here's the thing. It's it's the facade of love too, and the sacrifice when you when you leave someone and continue to love them, the sacrifices each of you have to make. Nobody mentions that part. Let me tell you sacrifice, the deterioration and the dissolving of fantasies. That's the real and idealist elaborate. So you right now, having your mind you're perfect woman, okay, and when you find that woman, she's going to be a

goddess to you. But here's the thing. I always feel like we fall in love with the goddess or the god within that person. And then when we actually meet the human being, then we got to learn how to love that one. And this is when the reason why it's so important to me to be able to stick it out is because to really get to the true

meaning of love, in my opinion, it is unconditional. It has to be because we are all too flall like, it can't be matter how much work we do, no matter how much, it never ends, it never it ends the day that we leave this planet exactly. Why about somebody has learns your buttons right, and like now they get up their rocks off by pushing every single one of them. You gotta go, you gotta go because this person has learned me for the wrong. You're gonna be

with somebody. They're gonna learn, they're gonna learn with the push. Regardless, some people use it for the worst. Some people like, oh, I know his buttons. But let me tell you something. That's the stuff you gotta work here. That's it. Yeah, that's that's not that's not there's nothing that's that's not blissful about that. But who said that Relationships and love and marriage why you always be See this is the misconception right here. Answer, I would let you. It's a

spiritual endeavor. That's the whole thing. I have to look at my trauma and you're pushing my buttons. That's making me look at my trauma and what I need to work on and clean up your old stuff, you know what I mean? Because why? But what can I tell you? Like everybody, that's that's an opportunity for you to work on you. It's not. I'm always working on me. I always come for her to work on her too. I feel like this is an intervention now listen. Intervention no, no,

Because you know, relationships mirror they show us ourselves. I mean, that's what I've learned. And typically the things that you don't like about somebody or things that you don't like about yourself, that's it. Though you better preach game. I'm although numb to all that because of what I've seen

in my career, in my life. Like when I feel like you're starting to press these buttons to get something from you getting my shut now, I totally can I get that because I think that we have two options. When you're in a relationship, you can look at things through the lens of fear, or you can look at

things through the lens of love. And I think that every decision we make in a relationship can be boiled down to going down one of those two paths, either a fearful reaction that comes from a place of lack that comes from could be anything, or love which is like I'm going to hold that, or I'm going to respond to that in a way that isn't my own stoff from my own fear and what I realized in my own marriage, because I can only speak for myself

and what I've witnessed. My parents been married for thirt or five years and by the way, like their marriage wasn't perfect either. And I got to see that when when in your life that you start to realize that your parents marriage had an effect on like you as a man, because maybe I never saw my parents. I never I'm not during both my parents Nigerian, and I grew up very, very Nigernant. My mother was always gone,

my father was always driving cabs. So a lot of it come from TV hyper difference, Like you know what I'm saying, Like you you can you can watch Martin and and and trying to understand what the relationship is like when you get older and then you go home and you don't see your parents even hug nothing. I'm honey, I'm home, but this this, honey, I'm home, shout the mother. I don't know this, and to see come home. It's

like a business almost you know what I'm saying. Any not geriant person that's watching this right now, understand, like we love our parents. We love our parents to death. Do anything for my mother's so father's. We don't know the dynamic between both of them. We don't know this dynamic th generations at one table. No way, it's don't happen. And like we're not friends per se with our parents. I could count on one hand how many times I've even heard them say I love you tow each other,

let alone me. But you know, but that's a huge thing because I didn't realize that. But I certain I was, like, yo, now I understand why I have this like weirdness with like you know, trust and emotion and listening and all of these things. But that's the whole thing. Let's say you met a woman, right and you told her that story.

I'm not I'm not good with love because I know I was never taught by my dad how to express it because I never even saw them kiss like right then, and there would make a difference right there for women that are watching you just not because like like that. Let me just let me just man the man. Then just tell you something. It is so beautiful to see another guy, especially in your situation as a rapper, be willing to be that vulnerable you just said. Look at

how imperfect and flawed I am. Here's all my yeah, and that is the best place to start to look for love. But sometimes I like to keep that, like I know that I'm so damaged in some ways. I don't want to bring that to nobody. Crib, I want to bring it to nobody, But you're doing it anyway. If I kind of keep it, we all do it. There's no way around it. I grew up in a single parent home. I didn't see all the time healthy relationships. I had to figure it out too. I came to

the table with a lot of pain. I came to the table with a lot of brokenness, and most of all, I came to the table with some hardcore daddy issues and it made me really angry towards men. I had very high expectations so it really it was hard. I could have ended up with all kinds of dudes the way I ended up with Will. I had to change my whole perspective because I want you to know something. He was not the due, right, but I had to change that. I can't ask somebody to be for me

what I'm not willing to be for them. And what I realized that my partnership with Will was that I was asking him to be a lot of things for me that I wasn't willing to do for me. Let's heavy, and sometimes one person's trauma like triggers the other person's trauma, and you get into this circle where no one can listen to each other. And that's something that nobody ever talks about sides, and that was something that my wife and I dealt with right at the beginning of our

relationship and marriage. My insecurities triggered hers yes, and then at that point it's so easy to leave because you're like, well, we're clearly not compatible, right, what was it about her that made you want to pursue her? I think it was us together. There was a deep knowing. Right even when my ego acted up and said I should leave, I couldn't. And I'll be very honest, before we got married, there was a part of me that, right before we got married, questioned it and I went, am I really

ready to settle down? I started calling my friends. I wasn't sure, and my friends were all like, you're being an idiot right now, and they told me the truth and they said, this is your ego talking in The second I got past that, I found the knowing again and I was like, yeah, this is my person. So no matter how painful it was, there was something that told me to just stay and to just be steady, even when I was going through and sobbing in my

room all night long. And I'm saying that because I want everybody to know that, Like you look at my instagram, you see all of us happy, but I'm very very clear that there was so much more to marriage than just the smiling photos at the beach and look, I'm telling you that. Then several occasions okay where you just had enough and you want to leave and I just couldn't. Oh, we'll just couldn't because we knew this is what is meant to be, this partnership, no matter what the form

it is. You know, because we've had to redefine it, reform it, you know, change it. We don't call ourselves married anymore. We're in a life partnership. Just did you see that in your parents? I definitely did what you are. I mean, I would just be in the room while they were debating about whatever it is about the world or their emotions or the environment or politics or whatever it was, and I would just always be there watching them and how they talked to each other, watching how

they agreed to disagree. And at the end, it's like, you know what, we're not right or wrong and I allow you your opinion exactly. And I feel like watching that over and over again just kind of solidified this idea of like, it's really not about right and wrong, it's about understanding. And once you understand somebody and how they're feeling and what their view is, you can move on with more ease because you have that understanding. But those are the steps towards love. Those are the steps

towards really building love. And it's so freaking difficult and so freaking excruciating, and sometimes you think it's not love, but it is. If you watch this back, it all sounds so painful. Every time. I think, let's let's listen. I don't want to see this movie. I get it, but I love it. I just think that I love is supposed to be like this big like Okay, I understand, you know what I'm saying. I mean, you're You're my balance, You're my you're my anchor, You're my all the things

that you say at the at the altar. Why can't that be the one entity that is bringing you joy. You don't have to work to get it. I'm scared now you should then you should be scaring. Big question right now? Is it worth it? It's worth it, It's worth it, It's absolutely worth it. Why Why? Because at the end of the day, to know that you have another person that can love you for all that you are. Will has loved me through the worst of myself, and

I have done the same. And when somebody can love you in that way, it makes your faith in the world come together, in the way of which is like I am this is in all is well. I'm forty seven years old, and I want you to know that this is probably the first year of my life that I can say I am happy. Hm m hmm, because that's how long the journey has been so that journey isn't Is it too bumpy for some people? I get let me tell you that's real talk. But here's the

one thing I want you to see. Two. You are learning how to love. When you think about all that conflict that you have within your spirit, it's almost like being in kindergarten of love and you want to get to like a pH d. It's like climbing a mountain. It's like do the work and then you see the beauty. Yeah, please hear that. Yeah, thank you for beauty. I want to thank you guys for this conversation. This is one of the most interesting red tables I've ever been to.

It's like almost going to see a shrink on camera five wallet the ultimate, like god, oh man. Somebody that that's working to join the Red Table Talk family and become a part of the conversation. Follow us at facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.