Surviving Loss

are you freaking kidding me? I don't sound good. Well, can you just find out um when she passed and what might be needed? And mh okay, what's going on? Jay? H oh past shame. She was so lovely, but she had brain cancer and I thought she was in remission. We just got word that she Oh wow, I'm so sorry to hear that. So can we just I just need a second and then we'll just come to the Red Table. Yes, h m hmm, let's roll cameras, all right, let me give her about We're doing a show about

surviving loss. But what was so crazy was that as I was getting prepared for the show today, I get a phone call and I lost a friend. You remember Sha, Yeah what happened. She had brain cancer. So I had been thinking about her because I was like, oh man, I should just check up one are just on the rag because she was in remission. I've literally known her for like as long as I can remember, Like she was coming over here when I was like six. I was going to give our red Table Talk viewers just

an understanding of who Shay was. She used to braid our hair. But she was a really very intimate experience, just been there for hours and she's yeah, we've known her for so long, and she just became like a family, and you know, you were thinking about her, and you feel like why I should have picked up the phone and color and now I can't. I was thinking about her and now she doesn't know that. I always try to look at it lately, is you know, it's just

it's just part of life circle. Yeah, you know, but you're right. It still doesn't make it much easier to bear. That's why I always try to you know, you always have to reach out and tell people you love them, you do. Well, what's been your biggest loss? I would have to say, honestly, feel like I lost my sanity at one Okay, really. Yeah. It was after that whole With my Hair thing, and I had just like stopped doing lessons and I was kind of like just in

this gray area of like who am I? Like is there? Like do I have a purpose? Like is there anything like that I can do besides this? So what my Hair was? How long ago? Like she was like nine years old? And that With my Hair was the hit record that you had out right, yes, like after the tour and the promotion and all of that, and it was like they wanted me to finish my album and I was just like, no, I'm not going to do that.

And then after all of that kind of settled down and it was like a a kind of low like I was just listening to a lot of dark music and like it was just so crazy and I was just like plunged into this like black hole and I was like cutting myself. What, yeah, I'm doing crazy things? Really when were you cutting yourself? And didn't like a long time ago cutting yourself weight on my wrist. I mean you can't even see it, but like there's still a little something there, but like totally lost my sanity

for a moment there. I had no idea your brothers, didn't know friends. There's one one friend that new. Yeah, I never talked about it because it was such a short, weird point in my life. But you have to pull yourself. So why would you do why were you doing that out of it? You know? I honestly felt like I was experiencing so much emotional pain, but my physical circumstances were reflecting that. God and so so would you say that was part of the reason, Like that that the

self harm makes makes the pain more tangible. It's actually something you can see and it becomes exactly instead of like a ghost like in your mind. Yeah, but one night I was just like, this is actually psychotic, and after that I just stopped. That's good to freaking like like five years Well, I had no idea. I never saw I never saw any signs of that. It's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. A lot of adolescent girls struggle with self harm.

Why do you think that is? Because I don't think a lot of that was going on when I was growing up, And I don't think I remember definitely happening. It was happening, but it wasn't It maybe just wasn't. It wasn't. As there's more awareness now than I think when we were both coming up right, I've had a lot of plos. When I think about Pock passing away, I get mad at everybody. If I met Tupac at the Baltimore School for the Arts, and we had an

instant connection, we became close friends very quickly. We were pretty much inseparable from the day that we met. When I heard about Pack passing away, I was actually in New York and I was supposed to be flying to see him. I remember my knees buckling and We'll having to catch me. I was just in total shock. I've had a lot of loss. So many of my close friends gone right, didn't make it pass. They didn't make it to thirty, they didn't make it pass, you know.

And a lot of people, you know, talk about my relationship with Pac and trying to figure that out, you know, and that was a huge loss in my life. Yeah, because he was one of those people that I expected to be here. My upset is more anger, you know what I'm saying, because I feel that he left me, and I know that's not true, and it's a very selfish way to think about it, but I really did believe that he was going to be here for the long run. And so when I think about it, I

still get really mad. I get mad at God, I get mad at him, I get mad at everybody, you know, also knowing that it happened right when a change was occurring in his life. Yeah, yeah, and so he didn't really get a chance to be he could, right, but he he played his role in you know, he did what he was meant to do in the minds of the generation that came next. Is a god. Yeah, still to this day, many generations. He's an icon, you know, And so that was what he was meant to do.

What about you, gam what was your biggest loss, Scamster. I think I've had so many important people in my life that that I have lost. Most recently it was who happens to be your sister and sister, my oldest sister. But amazingly enough, that loss actually brought me to my joy. Yeah, because when we lost Sondra, who was probably the kindest woman that I have ever known. We're on our way to pick up the rest of the meeting. Do you

want to look in at our food? Yep? But I just never I felt like she was happy, and it just made me decide like, I gotta be happy in my life. Yeah, you know what I mean. I can't keep doing stuff that other people want me to do, and I'm miserable. You know. I had to leave some relationships and that gave me the freedom to just be authentically who I was. Whoever. That was still a journey.

I always feel like I'm still kind of looking for myself, trying to find myself and at even at this age, but I didn't feel like I had to pretend to be somebody that I wasn't. I do believe that that's part of why pain exists, and I do believe that's part of why loss exists. Is that right if we didn't experience pain, would we really grow? And when we really appreciate, we appreciate joy what we appreciate, you know what I mean. And it's also the idea that pain

motivates you. Pain is a motivating factor for you to make a change in your life, to do something different. When the producer first asked me, you know, what was the biggest loss I've had in my life? I said myself.

And then when you realize that you've lost yourself, that's like devastating because It's just like, how do I get myself back in having children, being in a marriage and in this world of Hollywood and mother having a persona of like whatever people we're thinking infection, perfection, which was just like, how did that happen? That's been my life for the past twenty some years, battling and rearing damn giving up my career to raise my children. You know

that was a battle. I know. Let me tell you. Can I tell you something, Willow, I would not change it. I love my family, don't get that wrong. But I got lost along the way. Then literally one day I just woke up and I'm like, what makes you happy? And literally had no idea to the point that I didn't even know how to like dress myself again. Fashion used to be my thing, but I just I'm just

now starting to pay attention to that again. All these women out here on Xanax drinking shop, you know, like it's sad as me how a lot of women out here numbing theirselves just to survive in a way that they've been told they need to be to have happy lives. But expectation and that's that's a big loss. That's what I mean in regards to how we lose ourselves? Are you kids smiling? Okay? Is your husband thriving good? Everybody else around you thriving? Then you're doing good, Jada, you're

doing good. And guess what. One day I woke up and I was withered, curled up in a ball, curled up in a ball. About to that. It makes me feel like what I need to keep doing is training my heart and my mind to accept and move with loss.

You're absolutely correct, Willow, and the idea that loss is a part of life, and when we lose things, you know, it gives us an opportunity to be grateful, have gratitude for that time that we have with that person or that time of life that we had like a teenager and gently and willingly and openly constantly moving cold like water waterfall, waterfall, exactly. That's it. Here's two new beginnings. Here's two loving friends and family and loved ones that

we've lost. Here's to the journey. Yeah, okay, so let me try it and you'll see. You'll you'll tell me if if you yeah, we could do it together. It's going through something I'll do. I'll we did. We I learned a lot about you today that I did not know that was perfect. In my mind, I feel fat. On the next Red Table Talk, we are talking about body confessions. So what was it the dead said to you? He said, dudes look at the mind of a skinny girl before they look at their body. A lot of

people have been asking about why I've been wearing turbans. Well, it's not easy to talk about, but I am going to talk about it. Please keep the conversation going beyond the Red Table. Follow the official show page for new episodes and updates. To join the Red Table Talk family and become a part of the conversation, follow us at facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast, produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.