Should White People Adopt Black Children

We're breaking down a controversial topic, should white people adopt black children? I don't know how every person of color has gotten through this. I don't understand. Best known for her role as Charlotte on Sex in the City, Kristin Davis is a single mom raising two adopted black children. So this is gonna be interesting today because I have to admit that, you know, I have certain feelings about this whole interracial adoption because I think it's really really

hard raising black children today. Yeah, because it's so sensitive, But I think we also have a lot of misunderstandings about it. But I'm so glad that Kristen is here with us today to just want to share about Yeah, they're just cleaning up some of the misunderstandings that we have and just to educate us about the process and um, what her experiences have been. So I do know love is not enough. But here's the one thing I do know.

We we know this in our own family, right. It's not that Black families don't adopt, because we do adopt. It's that we don't go through the legal system. We've have family members that have had to raise grandchildren five at a time. You know, I've taken on right kids. I could have taken on more and people that you were brought into your home and raised, but you haven't, like legally adopted. But that's what that's what people color do. We take other people's kids and raise them within our

extended families, went through the system. Hello RTT family. Today we are talking about interracial adoption UM, specifically white families that adopt black children. And we have a very special guest here Today's Christian Days and she is going to talk to us about her journey with adopting her two beautiful black children. Thank you so much for being thank you for having me. Yeah, this has been a topic, UM, really a topic that I've had a lot of questions

about for me. Yeah, forgave me, and I understand it's a hot button. It's something that people have really strong, strong feelings about. And obviously I have strong feelings because I love my children so much and they've been such a gift to me. But because my children are African American, I feel like it is my duty and my job to do as much research, as much work, built as many bridges as possible, because you are their community, and

that is key, and that is so important. So I work at that every day, trying to figure out how I can make sure they have access to the black community, that they're part of it, that they're not separated from it, because we don't want to make it so that they don't fit into the black community and they don't fit into the white community. Sometimes we see white people who adopting black children is trying to be white saviors. You know, I do feel like the white savior thing is a

problem and it's real. So I don't want to say, you know that that's just a myth um. It's not really what I come across so much. You know, I do think too, it's it's tough because are you saying then okay, well, don't try to do anything good because your skin is white, because that's not going to work out. We can't ever succeed without the black community embracing our children. You don't have to embrace me. It's okay, I'll be okay, my feelings will be okay, you know what I mean.

But I want my children to be able, you know, to come to you, and I don't want them to be excluded just because I'm their mother. We definitely have work in that area, you know, we we just have. It's just a historical thing. It's just, you know. And so look, I get why there's not trust. I get it. I get it deep in my bones why there's not trust. And why would your community trust my community with its babies. I understand that I wouldn't either. What made you decide

to adopt? But I had already thought about it, and I don't know why, and I don't know how, but it had seemed like an option for me for a very long time. I had friends who had adopted and wanted to adopt, and so I was kind of hearing about it, learning about it and realizing that it is quite complex, and as it happens with many of us, the time was ticking, and I wasn't really thinking about it.

I was working, and so when it was really it started, i'd say thirty eight, which is, you know, a little late, but I really was like, wow, I feel I feel deeply that I need to be a mother. I feel like I will feel incomplete if I don't have that experience right. One of my big issues was could I do it by myself? Because once I realized that I wasn't in a relationship that was necessarily that type of relationship or the relationship couldn't take that, I thought, gosh,

I'm really scared. But I still felt like there was a child out there that I needed to find that was my child. I can't explain it. It was a spiritual kind of thing. And I think that what happens is by the time you get on the road to adoption, it is a long road. It's not an easy road. The biggest conception is that there's some kind of like I like a black child, like that handbag over there. It's very, very very far from that um in terms of the process, in terms of what you go through

for that to happen. So this is an example of a questionnaire that adopting parents have to answer to actually qualify to adopt. And it's pretty I mean pretty in depth. It isn't depth. I think people assume that you know, you choose a child. You like, when I look at this this document and you know the kinds of questions that it asks you, like would you be willing to adopt a trial that might have significant physical disabilities or mild mental health or a child who might have had

a parent that was addicted to cocaine? And like it really is like a self exploration of who you are, because really it's deep because you think, hey, listen, I'll love any child, right, and then it has here all the different ethnicities everything, everything that's right, right, that's right. So when you decided to adopt, did you say you wanted to adopt African American children? Or did you just

say I would take any child that needs love? That was a little a little thrown off by that paper, right? I felt like if you don't mark those boxes, like like why would I exclude Like if the if the right child is going to come to me, why would I say no to this or no to that or no to this? God Like, it just seems strange to me. It seemed to be saying no, no, no, no, no, got it. Do you know That's that's what it seemed to me at the time, got it? That's my thing.

That's kind of my fear. I felt like people are so anxious and so desperate wanting a child right that they'll say anything right, and they don't really understand right, um, everything that would be involved, Like yeah, let me just say, oh yeah, I'll take that. But I of course understand what you're saying. It's it's a long and involved road. And I think even just to get on that road,

you've already done a lot of soul searching. And then when they do show you that paper, you are like, whoa, oh did you have to go through like an interview process? You have a homesteady process, so social worker comes to your house and interviews you at length for days and days and days. I was super nervous about that the

first time. I was like cleaning and scrubbing, and you know, you're just very scared, like they're gonna judge you on the cleanliness of your house, which is not what they're judging, of course, but they want to ask you have you thought about if you adopt an African American child, How will you include that child's culture in your lives? What will you do? And you're like, oh my gosh, I gotta think about this. And then they'll say, well, what if it was an Asian child, what would you do?

Because I hadn't marked, you know, I had not you know, yeah, I was like, the child would come to me that I'm supposed to have. So the social workers during your home study, which is about like do you own any dangerous animals? You know? Blah blah blah, all of those things. You have a pool, you know, and then also asking you a lot of questions, asking you all about your parents and how you were raised, making you sign something

that you will never use physical punishment. Wow. Yes, Maybe they might say to you, we don't think that you're suited to be adopting a black child. They might say that you know a good lawyer, would I think? Or maybe your social worker might write down on the paper this person has no plans to include the culture. I don't think she should adopt a black child or a Latino child. That could happen for sure. So then your agency says, okay, now you need to do your education piece.

You need x hours, I feel like it's sixty or fifty, and you get a list of all these online courses that you can take. So when you signed up for the course to raise an African American Child, what did that course look like like? What was some of the information the course gave you? There were a lot of courses. One was just about hair. Yes, yes, because people panic, people panic lessons. Okay. I was like, you know, it's a big thing. I still learning. I'm still learning, okay

to learn, I'm hit it. Well, what I learned is that it's a big thing and it has a whole long cultural history to it, and you absolutely need to learn because it's a bonding situation and you can't just like send her off somewhere, him off, you know, to have his hair twisted, breaded or whatever that you need to just like you would your own child to birth, to learn what is best for their skin, in their hair, and that if you don't, you will be judged harshly basically. Okay,

So what happened now? Did I come about that your daughter became the child that was available for adoptions? We weren't. I was chosen. I say we because I think of me and her being together. Of course I was chosen by her birth mom. You know they have choice, Yeah, they have no Okay, Okay, her more birth mother chose you. The birth mothers picked the adoptive parents. Wow, Okay, let

me say this before we continue. I also want to acknowledge the birth mothers, who I feel do not get acknowledged enough, because no birth mother does this for like a casual reason. It comes from a tragedy or or a situation that is a negative situation, and it is a sacrifice of gargantuan level that they make have now met through the course of my process, many birth mombs and different situations led them depict from different perspectives, like

somewhere just worried about safety. So we're just worried about having a really strong father figure because they hadn't had when kind of trying to fulfill different you know, different elements. It is difficult. But I never ever want to say that people shouldn't adopt. I just want to say, you need to be always digging into what's hard. How has raising black children made you more aware of white privilege? This is what I want to say from a white

person adopting you absolutely do not fully understand. There's no doubt. There's no doubt. There's no way you could because you could understand that you live in white privilege and that's the theory, and you could see things. But it's one thing to be watching it, you know, happening to other people, and it's enough other thing when it's your child and you haven't personally been through it. It is it's a it's a big issue. It's something that I think about

every day and every night. That is very interesting, okay, because it's when you're looking at situations, specifically racism happening on the outside. But then now you have this child who was your ole, she's your treasure, and now you have to confront prejudices, biases, racism in a hole different way. What have you experienced? Well, it was terrified, right, you know, I'm still having it. It's hard to it's it's hard to put into words, really. I mean, there's been so many,

so many things over the years. Jem seven now. But the first couple of things that happened when she was a baby and I'd be holding her in my arms, people would say to me, won't she be a great basketball player? Wow? And I would just have to be like, right, this is a baby. Wow, how could you say that without just being mortified? Mortified? Oh, that was when it began.

And I would just you know, I'd be holding the baby and I'd be trying to be polite, but I'd just be like, this is really deep and bad and how dare they limit my child? And how dare they make that assumption? And how dare they not even know? Like how could they just say it like that, like so casual? I was like, what have people been dealing with? This is just crazy? Like that was the beginning of how I still feel basically it. So then I was like,

oh God, please don't let this be everybody. But you know, as we know, our country is built on this. It is institutionalized, and that's what you really come to realize as time goes on. The next really big, you know, super turning point for me was we had been going to this group where Gemma was the only African American really fully dark black child, and there were swings, right, and there was you're supposed to wait your turn, right, And so I'd be with Gemma, and my Gemma is

like the sweetest soul, right, and she'd be waiting. I'd be sitting with her. Time would be passing. These kids would be swinging. This one girl in particular would stop swinging. She would hold the swing. She would call to another white girl across the yard and say, I'm holding this wing for you. Gemma would just sit there so quietly, and I'd be like, I can't swear right, Like what

I'd be like, hello, Like what my child is sitting here? People, Gemma sitting here, and she's sitting here so patiently, and she's following the rules so beautifully, yet she is still being excluded, like over and over and over by this particular group of girls who are white. And it's a problem. So finally I go in to the office. I'm just like, you know, Steve, and was coming out my head, I

don't understand why you're not stepping in. And they said, well, you know, you don't know what those other girls are thinking. And I was like, yeah, I don't know, and I don't care. I don't care. What do I care about my child? You don't know what my child is thinking. My child is probably thinking it's because she looks different. Right then they said, you know, we just see them all the same. We don't see color here. Mmmmm, yeah,

that's a classic one. It's such a classic thrown in my face, yeah, because I actually think that when people say that that they're being liberal. Yes, and that's the Actually it's such a harsh Yeah, it was a very harsh, harsh moment of understanding understanding. I don't know how every

person of color has gotten through this. I don't understand how you could take this every day every day, right because mind jo it happens um in situation that it doesn't have to be with a white parent, but just putting black children in those situations where they're in in all white environments, it's not Yeah, and that's what really, that's what it taught me. That that was the thing that it lit a fire under me where I couldn't

like be relaxed or casual. But I will never be black, no matter how hard I tried, I will never be black. That is the truth and we have to accept it. And therefore I will never be able to say to Gemma, I understand how you feel, because this happened to me. That's what's painful and hard. It made me on a mission to find a place where she was exposed to everything. It made me on a mission to put her in situations where I was the only white person or maybe

there was a white person. You know, she's with it like a close friend, Like she has really close girlfriends. And I amazing, amazing African American moms who have been I mean, like did they helped you? How? Those African American moms? I mean them, And I asked them stuff like what would you say in this situation or what would you do or what would you tell your child about this that's happening in the news, Like I just like to hear. Not everyone agrees, of course, everyone handles

it differently, but like I just need to learn. I just need to learn because I can't trust all of my instincts because I want to protect no. I think that's great that you've put together a village of women that can actually be a lifeline for you, and they are so important. So I found a really fantastic inclusive school. So many cultures actual black kids, like you have to look hard in LA and you also need to find black teachers. That is so important. What are some of

the questions that Jemma has asked you? Just looking at you and knowing that there's a huge difference in how you look and how she looks, like discussed from the get go. There were times when she was like like four or five and we'd go into a place and people would look and stare, and I don't know if she knows why they're staring or what she might think

about why they're staring. So that was when I started to try to enter into you know, you're black and I'm white, and I mean look from the beginning, she'd be like, Mommy, my skin is dark. My skin is like chocolate and your skin is like vanilla. And I'd be like, yes, it is, and this is how people are born and melanine makes your skin dark. But also your past is that you have African American ancestors and

they've been through so much. Like I try to make it positive where she's like to you, don't you start a baby? It's appropriate, right, But also at the same time, I have to prepare Gemma that the world is not fair and there are racists in the world, and it's just governenting to have to do that and know that you also adopted your it is also African American. How did that happen? What that happened. When Jim was five, she started asking for a brother. She said, my man,

I could really love a black little brother. And I was like, I totally understand, baby. I said, you know what, I'll go talk to the people who helped me adopt you, and I'm going to see I I don't know, I don't know the state of things out there. I just told them that our hearts were open and our home was open, and if a baby needs us were here then. So then one day, there he was. And I tell you,

my daughter didn't bad nye. She was like, there, he is so beautiful, and then she held him, then she fed him, and I mean she's just the best big sister. YEA say for me, I so worry for you. Yes, with trying to raise a black boy in America, I'm worried too. I mean, listen, every day, every day something new happens and I think about it. And I also have friends who have black sons, thank goodness, and I

asked them so any questions. But he's still really young, right, He's still only a year, and so I guess you have time time every night, every night, I worry. I mean, I just but it comes up sooner than you think you have to be on the on the field right now. Yeah, you get you know. One of the things that I would ask you, because you raised since what did you say to them when they were little. I was telling Jaden when he was four or five six years old,

no red, no blue. You're gonna know right now you live in l A. No red, no blue. And I was like, I've had too many incidents being in certain places with friends of mine who had on the wrong color. And we had to teach him early how to deal with being pulled over by the police. He and will tell me, tell me, tell me. Um. We started talking to our boys that young six six years old and even just um, being aware of your surroundings, you know, always be vigilant, you know, because things run up when

you quick. And as they've gotten older, they've they've come across real world situations. Jade has run into situations with the police, has Willow. Willow has talked about being stopped by the police and being terrified. But just being where I was from, I like the fact that because of how I was raised and just the environments I was in, I was prepared and I just wanted my kids to be prepared. I just didn't want them to be caught up there. Yeah, trust me, it ain't easy, and we

all do the best we can. And you know, I just love hearing just your passion and how um aware and sensitive. You know, you know what you know, and you're very open and talking about what you don't know. And that's constant to learn, sending you to learn and grow. And I have to. I don't want to miss something or I don't want to be um under the you know, crazy white privilege assumption that everything's going to be fine,

because I can't make it fine. So we have to deal with reality and we have to compare them well. You know, I just want to say to you that, um, you know, I at one point had a very difficult time,

you know, thinking of white families adopting black children. And I've gotten I've gotten an education over the years for many people that I know who have done it, and even sitting here with you today and getting even more of an education so much that we didn't understand or I definitely didn't understand that that process, right, you know, And you know, for me, one of the things that I had to discover about myself um and and some of my bias towards it was that I was actually

my attitude towards it was actually perpetrating the very thing that I fight against, which is racism right and exclusion right, the idea of thinking that black children only deserve black love, you know, and that I really had to open my mind and understand that love is love and to say that, yes, it's challenging, but loving itself is challenging. We as black parents are challenged loving our black children, and white parents

are challenged loving their white children. Everybody's challenging and just knowing how to love. This is an important conversation. I think it will educate people and give people a different perspective. I really really do. I just commend you now. I just really I appreciate you just coming here and talking to us about this. You know, it will be fun of your village, one of your lifeline. Thank you, Thank you, guys, appreciating. Okay, are you ready to Hey, everybody, we have Kristen Davis

with us today. We are talking about transracial adoption. So swipe out, swipe You've got it. Smooth you guys. Hey, R T T family, Join our Red Table Talk group on Facebook become part of the conversation. To join the red table Talk family and become a part of the conversation, follow us at Facebook dot com slash red table talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast, produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.