Sexual Consent: What Every Woman Should Know

I just let it happen. I just feel like I'm still very confused about this gray area of consent. For me, it's like, no, it's no. I don't understand how you confused about it. Have you've had a sexual experience that was not consensual? I have, but it was also with your dad. Actually this may shock you, but we took a poll and every woman we asked admitted they have had unwanted sex. Sexual consent is a hot button issue. Opinions and feelings can get really, really really hot about

this one. And remember that all women don't have the same opinion, nor do we have to opinions there, And there's a difference between being raped right, yes, versus being in situations that create these kind of gray areas of non consensual Definitely, I will definitely say as a woman, I definitely got into some situations where I didn't vocalize in a way that I should have and me not

necessarily understanding the dynamics. You go further than you want to and then you feel like it's too late to stop. For me, It's like, no, it's no, it's it's really in my mind before we started even talking about I was like, well, what is there to even talk about? Because no means not. So gam you feel like nowhere in your history in regards to sexual intimacy, have you felt like you've had a sexual experience that was not necessarily consensual or was you know, kind of in that

gray area. I have. I have, but it was also with my husband, Ok. Dad, Actually, so that's really gray. That is gray, that's really you do hear that a lot. So you're basically saying you had non consensual sex with my father, so that he forced himself upon you. Yeah, but I mean it wasn't you know? Yeah, Well why you say it like that? Yeah? I don't really want to go into more details. Camera back back, all right,

I got it. Yeah, women are not really allowed to be vocal around sex in regards to what pleases them and what just pleases me. Right, So any conversation around sex for a woman is like it's a hot area. So even if you try to talk to your mother about it, she usually doesn't even want to talk to you about it in detail, you know what I'm saying. And usually it's like, don't put yourself in that that situation, or you shouldn't be having sex anyway, or you know,

you get all of that. So now you don't really have the information. You don't know the game because one of the things that I realized too is like a boy's game is to get you to yes. Yeah, So he's gonna be persistent, he's gonna be like manipulated. He's a hunter. You gotta know what the game is. Don't get in the game or want you in the game.

You really got to know, like you gotta know your boundaries, and you gotta know how Me and will get into conversations about that all the time because he's like if she goes to the hotel room, she knows what's up. No, she doesn't, but promise you not all the time. No, I don't agree with differently than that, I really do. Okay, let's meal you feel like if she goes to the hotel room. Let's say, maybe she's like, oh, I want

to spend more time. Maybe she's not thinking like, oh, it's gonna go there straight away, but it has to be in her mind. But you're not thinking in the same way he is. Especially men who are not sexually disciplined, in my opinion, tend to have a very predatorial It's just primal. It's like young guys don't know that they're trying to figure it out. All they know is that they have this strong drive and they want you. Now.

Does that make sense? It makes sense, But I still don't get past the responsibility of the young lady to that young ladies aren't supposed to be responsible. What I'm saying is that young ladies are not prepared. They're not so where are you supposed to learn it? You and I never had a conversation about that. Didn't But I

wasn't prepared. But that's what I'm trying to say. So we're expecting these young girls to just know and that's ridiculous, and we're expecting these young boys to just know some

kind of way from somehow. I knew. I didn't get prepared for my mother, but I knew, and I was never in a position or a circumstance that I couldn't take care of myself or that I felt like I couldn't say no or put Sometimes it's stubtle, though, like sometime talking about the more subtle stuff I'm talking about when you're with somebody that you know, because there have been times where I'm like, oh, was that disrespectful? Sometimes you you can't read the situation, you know what I mean,

or you don't know you misread it. A lot of times I would misread it, and I'd be like, oh, I'm in something right now. I'm in something right now, right, And so that's why I'm with Willow. I don't know you prepared, Okay, I just want to jump in on that, because you definitely prepared me for the danger of men. When I was younger, it was like men are dangerous. First of all, you didn't tell me that, but the way that you would talk to me, in my little brain, yes,

my brain said, men equal danger. So you're becoming a young late because she wanted to hang out with guys we were older than her herself. And I'm like, some of those conversations, there's no you hanging out with nobody alone. I was always very aware of the danger of men, and I don't even want to say the danger of men. Will say the danger of the undisciplined male sexual mind. That's different. Yeah, I don't want to put a blanket on men like that because that's nothing, but it can

be dangerous. And that's what you made very clear. Yes, I did, Yes, I t I don't know. I just feel like I'm still very confused about this gray area of consent. I think I can't understand how you're confused about it when we just had agreement on the fact that young women are not educated. I don't think men or women are educated enough because men are thinking, you know, the game, like Will, He's like, you know what's up,

and I'm thinking, no, you're playing my game. We're just gonna go up here, we're gonna talk again, a good time, we're gonna connect more. But right, but he's thinking in his mind, well, if you're spending time with me alone, then that means a yes is available, So I'm going to keep going for the yes, and I'm thinking, oh, no, I like you. You make me laugh. I'm not thinking that sex is an absolute in his mind because I'm

not there, but it certainly is a possibility. And just the fact that it's a possibility put you in a position where you have to know where you're going, what you're doing, who you're going with, and what your boundaries are. Women need to understand a male mind around sexuality, and men need an understanding of a female's mind around sexuality. There's a lot of misunderstanding, Like a lot of men feel like, if I buy you this drink, that's a signal. If you decide to let me take you home, that's

a signal. If you decide to let me come into your house and spend more time with you, that's a signal. For him, that could be a communication going towards something that's not necessarily what she's going for. Does that make sense? It makes sense, But she needs to be a little bit more clear. I understand that. First of all, I didn't grow up with a father or brother, right, so I had a lot to learn, a lot to learn in regards to the male mind. In regards to intimacy

and sex. Willow grew up with brothers, so she got to kind of see it firsthand. It was always very parent to me, maybe not in the most healthy way, that sex is always on a man's mind. So you have to protect yourself and you have to be very clear and very aware and not put yourself in a situation where you can be victimized. So that was extremely clear to me from a young age. But she had

an education exactly, and I didn't have that education. So I was constantly putting myself in situations that I didn't need to be in. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have even been drunk at college parties. I left myself vulnerable to be taken advantage of those things happen most you put yourself in more of a vulnerable situation for those you're susceptible to those things when

you're inebriated. So this is what makes it complicated, you know, being in a in a situation with somebody of like, oh my god, I went too far, but I'm afraid to say no, and then I go through with it, and I hate that I did it. Why? Why what I don't understand why. I'm just not what you want. But I'm just saying, there's understand these complex areas of sex and trying to get understanding even and when we educate young girls of the dudes and adults, you know,

really kind that if you don't understand, he damn sure done. Okay, there you go. So this is a subject that is very important to our dear friend, Rumor willis what did you see in your mother that you felt was a reflection a lot of the just like unworthiness, Like there's something innately about me that I have to earn love from people and like constantly proved myself that and a lot of the stuff with men. She was carrying my

the weight of my issue. The last time she was here, she was like, you guys need to have a show about consent. And so here we are. Are you hearing our struggle with hear you? My god? It's so interesting because there's so much of this that is so high octane. Absolutely to me. The issue is when you're young, you're taught all right, well, if you have sex, then you're going to get pregnant or STDs, and you guys are boosted up there like yeah, if you can go and

get this girl, that's great. And there's such shame around sexuality and all, and it's all about men having the power, and oh, if someone likes you, if a guy likes you, that's great, So don't do anything that would potentially mess that up. I would get myself into a situation. And at some point I had learned that if someone wants values me sexually, or I feel like they desire me,

then they are entitled to me. When I was like fourteen, because I was so shamed, like when all those blogs came out about how I looked, how my face looked. Then my idea was that, oh, well then if I'm desired sexually, then I'm some I have value. I think we now I have to be honest with you. That really makes sense. I went through that stage too, because I was always so petite. I wasn't always the girl. So when you had like that gaze, you know, it was like it was a drug, you know. I did

get caught up in that a little bit. When I came back to l A when I was like fifteen or sixteen, everyone out here was already having sex. They didn't put pressure on me, but I did because I felt so inexperienced and like I just needed to catch up. When I lost my virginity when I was eighteen, I was more concerned with the shame that I was feeling at not having done it. I was not abused or it wasn't raped, but I didn't say yes. I wasn't gung ho about it. But I also didn't say no.

I just let it happen. He was older and took advantage, but I didn't check in. That's where I feel like the men's onsibility is no means no. But what if you can't say no. What if you're in a position and you're going I can't express no because I've never done that. A lot of men feel like, well, if we're here and we're doing this year down exactly, well,

it's so hard to talk about it. Even since I brought this forward to you, I had such a shift in perspective of trying to get out of like a victim mentality and not just placing blame on men and saying they are responsible and they should be doing this because in every situation that I've been uncomfortable and it is my responsibility to speak up. And I think that's

confusion of where the Clinton comes from. I'm telling you, I like something happened to me a couple of months ago, and I hung out with this person for a little while. We were kissing outside, and I said, do you want to come in for a minute. And when I asked you to come in my house, that doesn't mean that I'm saying that you can get me naked. That doesn't mean that I'm saying you can do this. I'm saying you can come into my house. And as soon as I got into my house, it was like hands every

week and all my clothes off, and then I just froze. Really, I completely frozen, and I had I even have so much shame about bringing that up because I feel like I'm such this empowered, strong person. But even I couldn't do it, could not say no, I could not say I'm uncomfortable. I couldn't say this is too fast, I'm not ready for this. This is where I think it's on the male side responsibility. There was no awareness from him of my discomfort, even if I couldn't say anything.

I was obviously uncomfortable and trying to shut it down. Even though I couldn't say anything, and it was just it's like if you come in the house or that you get a free pass to all of it. Yeah, so we have another guest with us. You may know Amber Roses the former stripper turned model, actress and activists or the ex wife of With Khalifa and mother of two young sons, Sebastian and Slash. But today Amber is an outspoken advocate against sexual injustice and continues to speak

out on consent, an issue very personal to her. You're welcome, Thank you, so, Amber, what is your personal story when it comes to consent. I was in a relationship for two years. I have consensual sex plenty of times during that relationship. Um, I didn't want to be with him anymore. I told him that I was leaving, and he didn't want to hear that. He ripped my clothes off. I felt ickyfl growth, I felt I felt I was taking advantage of and it was terrible. And then he went

downstairs and ate breakfast like he didn't do anything. So the gray area in that situation is I had sex with him so many times in these two years. I didn't fully understand what had happened, but I know what I felt like after and then I also remember being you know, younger, you know, I would maybe take a guy too far and they'll be like, oh, let me just put the head in a little bit. I was like, no, I kind of don't want to, not just a little bit. And then it's full of sex and I'm just laying

there like I don't want to do this. Right. We've had Have you ever had the experience? I'm curious work it's easier to just let it finish than say stop. Yeah, I think every woman has been through that and that situation. Do you think that he caught a vibe that you didn't want to do anything? Maybe, but maybe I was. I mean in my mind because i don't want it

to happen. I'm thinking, how can you not see? But if somebody, if you want to have sex with someone right, you're gonna be touching a revenue, kiss them, You're gonna be on top of them, rolling around with them. If that wasn't what you were doing. The man knows that you're not withted. He's just taking advantage of the fact that you do feel bad to say no. And I've been in those situations where I'm like I took them too far. I got the condom on fine, you know,

and I really and he knew. I didn't want to write any situation I've been And even when I felt that there was maybe a man who too far took advantage, I still blame myself. I still went home and said I can't believe, like, why didn't I say anything like punished myself? Didn't go and then call that person out and say, hey, you know what, that wasn't okay? And I felt really uncomfortable the idea of that, like because thinking about it, you know what I mean? Gray zone

sex is happening at a staggering rate. The latest research shows that one in three women will have had unwanted sex before she graduates college. My name is Hannah, my name is Alexis, my name is Sam. This is my story. When I was nineteen years old, I had met a guy and I really started to like him. He asked me to come over to his place to watch a movie. When I was nineteen years old, I lost my virginity in that great area of consent. We were texting and he wanted to come over, so he came over. We

started kissing. We were friends and we've been flirting for months. There was this like trust. I went over there kind of expected to hook up a little bit to get to know him, not really with the intention of having sex. I kept saying as a reminder, I'm not going to have sex with you, and I said I do not want to do that. And then our clothes were off, and then he was touching me in places, and then all of a sudden he was putting on a condom. There's only so many times you can say, hey, this

isn't gonna happen. It's all kind of a blurb. But like I remember like like something and then looking up at him and asking him, like, is that a penis? And then he said yeah, And I just went for being a shachamo like my mom was racing. He had already started like making moves, and I feel like I didn't want to make him feel bad by making him stop, so I ended up going along with it and did not enjoy it. While it was happening at all, I

knew I didn't want it. I kind of felt like, once it's inside, I did nothing I can really do. I remember freezing and not understanding why I was freezing. If I don't keep going, is he going to get mad? And I felt like it was my fault and I felt like I was being dramatic, overreacting or like being you know, like a typical like woman. How we're perceived.

I realized he was having sex with me. We weren't having sex together because I had made it so clear so many times that I didn't want to have sex. I felt almost like betrayed. This could have been a relationship, This could have been a partnership, and that was never allowed to flourish because I felt violated. There was this very lingering feeling of violation and like I was worthless.

I don't want him to feel like a rapist. I mean, I just felt like it wasn't like I'm sorry, m that's deep because she had kept saying no. Yeah, so now if you're not aggressive, if you're not going to be the girl that's gonna be like push you off, you know what I mean. And now you feel like, oh, no, I mean physical danger, like I should just comply just so that nothing pops off. She said no, and it's

still the no wasn't good enough him. Sometimes it's like this is turning me on because she's kind of saying no, but I know she means yes, because she's at my host you know, she wanted to have drinks with me. It's like, girl, what did you expect? And how are you teaching your boys? He just turned seven, but he's way beyond his year, you know, and he knows everything. I'm not hiding nothing from my son. My son knows

what a period is. He'll come in the bathroom and just be like this with me, and I'm like, he's like, Mommy, do you have your period? And I'm like, you know, not not right now, but I will. And he's like, you need a tampon? Do you need a pad? You know? But I say that to say my son is seven, and I don't feel like it's too soon. Huge. I don't because once he has thirteen and the girls in his classroom are getting their period and the boys are like,

that's disgusting. She's bleeding. He's like, that's nothing. Period once a month. Yeah, exactly. I knew that since I was six years old. Dude, like, get with the program, right right, so, and I don't know if you've been through that with your boys, but he's very curious now. And now he's like, mom, you got a giggly butt and he'll just go come

behind me and just jiggle my butt, you know. And I'm like, Sebastian, I know you're playing, and I know you love me and I'm your mom, but that's my private area and you don't touch my mom's private area, okay. And he's like, Okay, I understand. And I tell him with other girls, because when he goes to his dad's house, it's a different dynamic over there, right with a I co parent very well, but right, yeah, as a woman,

you have different sensitivities as his mother. Right, So I have conversations with him like when you go to your dad's house when you're at school, you don't touch these girls inappropriately. You don't touch him at all. Period. I have to give you respect, Amber, And how young you're starting to teach your son, because you know, obviously we were lacking and what I received from from my mother

and what I gave to Jada. And when I first started listening to you talk, I was cringing in my head and I was like, girl, but think about your own experience. You know, we were waiting way too long, too long to teach our children, and this is so important. So I just wanna I want to give you respect on you, thank you, and I get criticized for it. I'm sure you do. But you know what. Those are your children, and you know what, I commend you because I did the same with them, and I got criticized

a lot, and it pays off. So I'll just tell you that, yeah, it pays off. So there's a heated debate about the new rules of sexual behavior. Check out what some of the experts have to say. I am for not only affirmative consent, but enthusiastic consent. Yes means yes with an exclamation point. I am all for partners checking in with each other every step of the lecture on campuses and increasingly students are describing a perfectly ordinary

encounter that they feel bad about. And I see a readiness to blame men, to accuse men asking consent every step of the way. I just can't imagine how that would work. There are so many ways of conveying consent in an intimate situation that don't involve, you know, signing an affidavit. It's dehumanizing. It's taking us back to a time where women were considered fragile, delicate, little birds in need of protection, damsels in distress. Teaching someone not to

be a victim isn't blaming the victim. It's common sense. Oh okay, okay, rooms over esteem and what's happening. I just think that is such a backwards way of thinking about it. I think that's the reason why women are so afraid. We have to fight to be heard, we have to be viewed as equal people. And to say that that we're just being delicate when I didn't have a horrible trauma happened to me as a kid and I'm still struggling with how to stand up for myself.

We just have to have some freedom to express ourselves, to talk about it. Yeah, it's it's got to shake the shame. Shake the shame. I gotta shake it. Former NFL player DeAndre Levy has some strong opinions when it comes to consent. Former pro football player DeAndre Levy has been called the most interesting man in the NFL because

honestly is frightening. Always known as an outspoken and socially conscious player, He's focusing on helping women on the issue of consent by calling out men and challenging them to understand that it is an issue they need to solve. I want to say that you are a very confident man to be sitting at this. I had to work my nerves back, but we love that you're here. Why did you take consent on as your cause? I didn't hear consent until I was well into my adult years.

I've been taught more that a woman will set me up, try to trap me, be careful. A woman will lie, try to get my money. As men were talking, with woman's body, it's ours for the taking, especially if we already have sex. Worders like she belongs to us, she's ours, we can do whatever now right. It's like an indictment against our masculinity, our manhood if we're denying sex. Once you had that as a starting point, I mean, it's no telling how how how messy it can get for you.

But how many times are you maybe intimidating, coercing, getting into this space where you're guilting a woman out of fulfilling a wife for not wanting it. And then it's just the way that we try to prove a man who that's what we're supposed to do, like we're supposed to So she says, no, it's our job to convince you. She says we don't want to us our job to like, yeah, it's a shot against us if we're not closing the deal. It's the same thing as a way that women see

being desired as a way to have validation. Like the other songs, it's like that validation of like oh she wants to have sex with me, like Okay, I'm man enough, I'm worthy, and simply just a love and matching the belt. Yeah, how do we educate men to think differently? And is it possible? Yeah, that's a bigger question because I feel like it's it's so pervasive. It's like trying to change the entire site. It's like, how do you solve racism? Like you know what I'm saying. I think I think

the culture is so deeply grained. It's really I know what I can do, Like I can talk to my nephews then the next generation. I can try to hold myself accountable and try to hold others accountable. How many times that we have like a male figure in the life, an older one who's already telling them about girls, like go do this to the girl, this, how you talk to the girl, do this? Do that? I think you

can teach about consent when they're younger. That's not just about sexuality, right, It's about asking someone is this okay? I try to do that, enforce that my nephews when it's like, go give song so a hug before you leave them, Like, well do you want to give him a hug? Do you want to? Yeah? I hate that. Yeah, you got to put that force little kids to give adults hugs and they don't want to. Yeah, And they don't want to they don't know them. It's like a hug.

If they say no, that's I feel like that's the way we there are five six years old. You can see that they're no, it's important exactly. They can understand it for themselves. I think they can understand it when you hear from somebody else. I've never seen a man talk about consent no. Yeah, So I think it's so awesome that you do, because so many women talk about it, and it's like from a man's point of view, sometimes it's almost like, oh, well, there they go talking again

about whatever it is they're talking about. You know what I mean, we're over dramatic, like I didn't do anything that I totally So it's like when it's coming from another man. I feel like they are like, oh, my bro is telling me this, Like maybe I should think about that? And then, knowing what you know now, has it made you look at your past little differently? Of course? So I look back at my sexual history people I've had interactions with, and you know, like, did I make

you uncomfortable? Like? I know I didn't rape anybody, but I know I know that, right, But we talked about the gray area. Did I make you uncomfortable that I put too much pressure dimmest back into your path? Yeah? Yeah, just what made you do that? Hold myself accountable? The only way you can change somebody's perspective is to really be able to listen, to put yourself in their shoes, and really really internalize the experience. I'm like, all right,

I'm listening to women. How is it affecting me as a man? How many situations if I went into where my expectation was higher than hers, it was my expectation offer. Did I make you feel pressured in any way? Did you feel respective? You know what I mean? Like, I think so often our first response is to be defensive and be like, no, this didn't happen, that didn't happen. Just take a minute to listen and really ask yourself, did something go wrong? Right? So, how can we stop

non consensual sex? One woman says she has the answer. Okay. Women are often times unaware of what they like in the bedroom. Therefore, they tend to go along with what is suggested. There's an incredible tool called the I want, I will, I won't list. This is a very long document that lists anything and everything one might imagine doing sexually.

I have found that if you feel a little apprehensive getting together with girlfriends and going through this list with maybe a bottle of wine, and you have the opportunity to kind of get more in tune with your own sexual desires. So I want to encourage all women out there to push yourself beyond your comfort zone so you don't end up in the gray zone. So let's cool. I've never seen it. I want, I will, I won't list. I love that. Yeah, we're gonna provide the checklist for

I like it. Let's bring the fishball out. What a treat? All right? You guys are our guests. Oh it's to me, Okay, anybody's on how to withdraw consent once things have gotten started it's a great question. I think that at any point in time, you can say I'm uncomfortable, I really want to stop at any point in time, do not

care about anybody else's feelings. I think that's where it gets great because I've been there, She's been there where you're like, I don't want to stop them because it's like I don't want to hurt his feelings and he's gonna talk about me when I leave, and then his friends are gonna think I'm some you know, lame. Do what's best for you in that moment, it is okay to be selfish. There you go. Ly Stephen from Saint Paul, Minnesota. Anyone at the red table. Every unsolicited dick picks? Yes,

I got one the other day, my dull before. I've never checked my I had never got one before, and I wow, I got one on Facebook from a woman? Oh what from Facebook? From a woman? Some some guy? Oh so it was she was like, look at this. I just the leadership. I thought it was very strange because I really did, Why do men think that's attractive? It is up with the random picks? Even in relationships or when I was dating guys and they would send me a dick pic. I'd be like, like, that's not sex,

it's not sexy, like a stomach something smiles. So I'm going to do a public announcement. Men, we want you to know we don't like pigs. Aren't that sexy? Yeah? Nothing, there's nothing chest abs that's sexy. Yeah. I also want to come out and say, as women, we need to stop penis shaming. Right, that's you know, if we want to quality, we need to stop shaming the size of men's penises because they're literally born that way and nothing. We'll get a buildo and have fun. But other than that,

if we want respect, we have to give you. How do I know if she is just playing hard to get or really doesn't want it? Lots of mixed signals you're expecting us to navigate help Well, just ask? Yeah, like just ask. It might not be cute or sexy, Like you don't have to say is this okay with you? Can I touch your boob? You don't have to make it very robotic and weird. You can just do you like it when I do this? Is this okay? Why

does that seem to be such a thing? I feel like I hear that a lot where it's like it throws off the rhythm, it throws off the flow. It's unnatural. What does that say about like how we're supposed to engage in sex, Like I feel like everybody makes it seem like it's such an awkward thing to just simply ask or get some type of confirmation from her. Affirmation

but not stupid. You know, when a woman is uncomfortable stopping you can she's pulling away, if it's any type of body language, look at her face, look at how she's reacting. Is she and kissing and touching you back? Like I feel like it's just dude trying to find loopholes, Like that's a loophole she didn't really say exactly like this guy said. Okay, And by the way, also like this whole playing hard to get things as women, let's just stop that right. Let's it's immature and it's just

perpetuating this and making it confusing. Let's just all be a little bit more clear and maybe we can figure out a way to not have this happen. Well, there it is. Well, thank you guys, I really appreciate this wasn't awesome awesome, awesome conversation today. Thank you so much for doing this, this show about this because it's so important. Yeah, DeAndre, I'm really commend you and I'm so happy we had you here too, just for your input and your insight.

It's deeply hopeful, it is. And miss Amber, you keep doing what you doing. You keeping your fast self as well. Okay, yeah, the Red Table strikes again. Up to join the red table Talk family and become a part of the conversation, follow us at facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast, produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.