Learning To Forgive

and also hurt us the most. Yes, oh, I love it. You know I love family, my brother, your uncle, Caleb. Welcome, well, thank you for having me. So today we're talking about forgiveness, and my brother and I will be talking about forgiveness of a parent. Um and I know that you too have your forgiveness is yeah to talk about, but I think we're also going to talk about forgiveness of the self as well, which is the hardest one, which I think is which I think is actually the truth is

it's the only one. Our father, ROBSL. Pinkett Jr. Struggled with drugs and alcohol his entire life. He was not a part of our childhood and we were forced to grow up without him. When Rob died from an overdose, we would left having to reconcile our feelings and find forgiveness on our own. Let's tell the story of Robson all right. So my father and my mother, they they divorced when I was two years old. He didn't raise me.

So when you don't raise a child, you really leaving your child to the quote on quote wolves right, which is horrific, especially when the child cannot protect itself. Yet I'm never I'll never forget this. So the first time I met my father, I was twelve years old. I was able to go to Baltimore, but I had to stay with my grandmother. And he explained addiction, and he said I was an addict. He know, He said, I still amn't at it. He said, I'm recovering. So I

would go to his a A meetings. He would take me everywhere with him, so I developed a really strong affinity for him. But while he was sober, there was another thing he did. He adopted a young girl. So we haven't adopted sister, and that was that was a little jolting for me. The idea that I had a father that adopted you didn't raise me, but then he chose to take on something that he didn't raise. You didn't raise his first child. He wasn't there for us

as children. He struggled with addiction. He was clean for how many years? Even years about that he fell off the wagon. You called me. We brought him out here and he was out here for three years. He got clean. He was clean during that time, and then he fell off, and then he fell off again, and then he died from an overdose. Okay, what did you feel like you had to forgive rob oh Man him not not not in there for you as a father, right, not not

being there. But here's what I mean about forgiveness of self and really happen to dive into you. I realized that my father is dead and gone. Any issue, any problem is gone for him. So that means who's left in the equation. So it's like it's it's about it's about me. But he told me, you know, I'd rather get hied and be your father. Like that's hardcore when he said, but there was a reason behind it for him, and his reason was I was sick and what felt

like he was protected you. I mean that's what he told me at seven. Yeah, I can't be your father. I'm a criminal, I'm an addict, and that's just what it is. Dang. Yeah, wow, what for you was the pain of not having your father there. So we're we're now adults now and I'm living in l A, I'm working in my father decides he's going to relapse. I'm at home. I'm never I'll never forget this. It's not funny, but it's funny because my dad was real. I called him, I said Dad, he said hey, bo. I said, are

you okay? He said, yeah, get the fight today, son. I said, oh no. I called Jade. I said, Ja, we got to bring him out. She was like, I said yeah. She was like, oh man. You know. I was like, Caleb, I don't want to, like, this is our father, and I just like Jada, we have to, I say, because he's gonna die if we don't do it. So there was a lot of resentment and there was anger there. We both had a lot of resentment. We had that feeling like we had to be responsible for him,

but he never had to be responsible for us. And that was that was a hard pill for the attitude that you guys owed him or something. Yeah. The issue for me was when I got into the position that I got in and then he wanted to have a relationship. That hurt me absolutely. So when he died from that overdose, I got the call from Caleb, And the most difficult part of him dying like that is because he and I had had a horrendous fight. When I found out

that he relapsed. I was like, I don't owe you nothing. You didn't do for me, you didn't do for Caleb. I don't owe you nothing. It was one of us. I had the same conversation with him. I was furious and he told me that's what the diseases like, this is who I am. And that was deep because he was saying that's who that's who I am. But yet I'm still who I am to you. He said, I'm still your father. He said, I'll tell you this everything, y'all, God,

it's because of me. Ask your mama, tell him, tell your sayce ask her mom, right, And you know what's funny is you know what's funny my mom. She'd be like, your your father was extremely talented, and I'm like, you're doing right. I was like, that's one of the instant, right, And I said, I give him that right. I know I didn't get everything from him. Mom, I got that's right, very true. But that day, Um, I was getting up, I was going. I was never forget. I was going

to work. In my phone rang and I saw my mom calling me. I'm like, Mom, what up? I'm getting ready. She says, baby, your dad just had a heart attack. I need you to come. And I'm like, okay, is he ok She said yeah, you just need to come to the hospital right now. I'm like, okay, cool. She calls right back. I'm like my mom, I said, on mom my way and she said, baby, he's gone, and I, ah, damn it. Hold on. She said, baby, he's he's he's he's gone. They need you to come down and identify

the body. And I said okay. And I sat for a second and I said, okay, I gotta call Jada. She picked up. She said hello, and I said Jay, she said, he's gone, isn't he? I didn't even ask. Yeah, m M. What I will say about that moment for me, that's when my brother became a man mm hmm. For because he had to go identify the body. He had to take care of the funeral arrangements. He did it all. And to have had that happened and I didn't have

to take care of it. He had it The way you handled it was with so much strength, so much grace. And that's when he really grew up to me in that moment, you know, So to have my little brother be able to step up for me, it was an amazing moment. How did you feel? At first? I felt a lot of guilt because of the conversation we had had, and I never forget. I just had like the most startling realization that Rob's life wasn't about him being my father. Rob's life was about Rob being on his journey and

it just so happened along the way. He gave me life, and in that moment, I realized he was not born to be my dad. That wasn't the only thing he was here to do. He's a person first with his own journey. Wow, that was something coming to that understand, and I had to call Caleb and I was like, Caleb, it didn't have anything to do with us, And that was like my AHA moment of like utter forgiveness and just to be able to see him as a human being.

And that's when I started, even in my own life, just tearing down all these titles that keep us all these labels. We get so caught up in these titles and these labels of what people are supposed to be and how arrogant we are to believe we know who somebody is supposed to be in what they're supposed to do. Like you're my brother, and since you're my brother, you need to behave a certain way that I can feel

good about myself. You're my mother, you're my daughter. When we when we look to our relationships to be something to fill us in a certain manner, you know, And that that's that is the thing for the last seven years that I've been in search of as emotional independence. When you don't need people to be something for you. Oh man, that's the real freedom. That's it, right, that's

the real from man. That has been the greatest gift in my journey is releasing myself from that and releasing people that love me not feeling like they got to be something. And I'm continuing that, you know, that journey, specifically in my relationship with Will and with my kids, knowing that they don't belong to me I'll never forget that call because it also really helped me because I realized that's what I was doing to my father. It was really interesting to see him with family and children

and maybe like you never did that with me. And now I'm feeling angry and a little jealous, and now I don't want you around. So now you haven't done anything. You just come and say, hey boy, how are you. It's our own pain and shortcomings that we want to hold on too, and say, this person did this to me, so this allows me to feel this way this way. That justification. Good point that because that victim hood cloak. Oh yeah, oh baby, that could be a coldsy little

joker right there, that little victim hood cloak. So you gotta want to let that go. R Yeah, you know, because it feels good to stay in in the pain sometimes of it. Some people enjoy it. And you don't have to be responsible for yourself, not if not if somebody else did something to you, because you can't fix it. Only they can't, which I think makes you weak, like it takes your power away, like in the sense that they've done something to you, so they owe me. Are

they should be suffering and they're not so. Now you hold all this rage and you see them smiling doing whatever they're doing, and you hate every second that they breathing happy. But you're the only one that's sick from it. Forgiveness takes time, reflection. You gotta look at yourself, what part you played in it, coming to a relationship with expectations, because that's where the pain comes from. He didn't do something that you expected him to do as a father,

right right, Yeah, I wanted to ask you, Willow. You probably remember Rob so much differently. Oh yeah, definitely. My initial impression was he was just a very he had a calm about him. Yeah, but I remember that he was very interested in a lot of the esoteric st and so back then he was he was actually considered I'm kind of weird. And what was his talent? Oh? He Rob could do. He could he could write poetry,

he could create stories, he could act. He had everything that all of us can do in one He would his poetry, he would lay down to music. He thought he could rap. He said he was one of the first rappers. Been boy, let me tell you something so intelligent, almost genius. And you know how there's a line between genius and crazy. Yeah, that was your dad, and I think if he had waited and lasted, he would have found his clanning. Y'all. Yeah, Caleb, have you do you

have any unresolved issues with Rob? I can honestly just say for me, I'm still I have not been able to fully forgive myself for the way I treated my father before losing him. When I talk about it, I can start crying like quickly, and that means it's unresolved within me. So it forces me to who actually do so much work to try to get better because I really felt really bad, you know what I mean, Like like I just I felt like I was a bad person. That's been the thing for me, and I'm getting better.

It's but it's not fully resolved, so I would definitely say that. God, I have a question for you, Geh. Do you sometimes feel guilty for marrying wrong? I don't think I do. Yeah. No, all my guilt and shame came, you know, from my own addiction. And how did you deal with that game? How did you come to a place of like forgiveness for myself? Oh my god, it's actually because of you. I asked you, why didn't you just toss me to the side. Why didn't you just say,

like forgive Yeah, but it listened. When you go through that kind of trauma as a child, somebody staying in of life is not a guarantee, and they just don't want a part of you anymore, you know. And I wanted to understand from Jada's point of view, how she could forgive me, right, And you said it was because you saw me changing. Yea. When people continue to repeat the same behavior, it's hard to forgive because then the forgiveness is just about words. They're just talking, right, you know,

But your actions matter, right. So I started realizing that, yeah, I really am not the same person that I was back there. I really am changing, right, And I think the other thing for me, Like I'm sure people would wonder, Okay, did you have as much anger towards your mom as you did your dad? And it's funny because I feel like even though you were going through everything you were going through, we were still there together. You were always there no matter what. And I think the thing about

Rob was that he wasn't. He just gave up. Yeah. Do you think the relationship with your dad affected relationships with other men in your life. Oh my god, asked a freaking lootly because you you don't really realize it, but you expect your intimate partners too in some way be the thing that your father wasn't like that is not his job booting. Here's the thing that you're gonna have to get with, Jada. You'll never have a man in your life you call daddy ever. I remember going

through a stage with Will watching him father Willow. That was just like, oh my god, I'll never have that ever. I always tell Will I'm like, listen, I know your dad's not perfect, but my god, you have a daddy. Yeah, that is the one thing to be able to give my kids something I did didn't have and be able to watch it. You know. So what I had to stop looking at was that something was wrong or something wasn't right because poor little Jada didn't have a daddy.

I had to learn how to stop focusing on what's not going well, focus on what's going well. Do you have anybody in your life you need to forgive or any moments of I definitely had to forgive um, you and Daddy, you know. For that hole with my hair thing. It was mostly Daddy because he was so like harsh

at certain times. I always say, many daughters, it was like a couple of years honestly, like trying to regain trust for not feeling like I wasn't listened to or no one cared what I felt during that time, because it wasn't that you didn't want it, It just they weren't listening to how you wanted the experience to before. You had to forgive myself because I felt guilty because I was like, everyone is trying to make me better, trying to make my dream, but I didn't really understand

what my dream and tails you could have. You know, I'm still you know, trying to. Yeah, that is one of the hardest things to do is to forgive yourself. But when you forgive yourself and when you learn to treat yourself better, then you treat others better. You treat others others kindness. I heard a real interesting quote that said, treat yourself like you're somebody you care about it like, oh, like, actually start loving yourself. Love is every everything. It's so funny.

Will talks about this quote that you gave him that he says all the time, and it's when he wants to sound really smart to people. He'll say, my wife Jada always says that true love is blue. It's not red. Most people think it's red and red just passionate. But love is actually peace. But it doesn't it doesn't always look how you think. Well, that's because nobody thinks that love is blue. They think of it is red. So

everybody's looking for something that is screaming red. We got to get a blue table, down nose, red table is the thing. But that's your own quote, and that's actually a Jada one. But the idea that it's blue and it's so deep, Yes, that's real talk. Wow, this was great, you guys, you guys, thank you for having me so cool on our next Red Table Talk. I celebrate anything black. I inevitably get a million comments. Are they coming from people I dated some really wonderful white man but you're

dating someone at the top of the food chain. And then understand, all right, right, that was great, Ye that was nice, guys, like thank you for that because they've actually made me look at stuff a lot, like, yeah, you still got work to do here and we all do yeah, yeah, yeah, that is that is life right there. To join the Red Table Talk family, and become a part of the conversation. Follow us at facebook dot com

slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook, Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.