Janelle Monáe’s Hidden Struggles

My dad had gotten on crack cocaine. That changed our relationship. I was dealing with real rejection, abandonment issues. What does it mean a goal against your whole family? It can be a lonely road as she was growing up and finding herself. Was that difficult for you? You actually made a book of essays. It was inspired by the album that I did, Dirty Computer. I can't wait to read it. Here Where to make a dream Come True? Oh my god? Why am I crying right now? Oh my god? Yeah,

back at the tape. This is going to be an exciting one. It is well well, well, well, this was your special request. It was and a good one. Our special guest is an icon living and was on my wish list of people I wanted to bring to the table. She's a Grammy nominated cover girl, rebel, author, CEO, actor, hero and genius. She describes herself as a free ass mo foe and I love that I do too. Please welcome Janelle Money here are Yes. Yes, I so excited. I got trying to be that's so great to settle

for the table time. I am such a fan. I'll have no idea. I'm so thankful and just super honored to be here. As soon as you Die started the show, I was in. I was like, this is exactly what we need, and we are all a fan of yours as well. Every single person I know, including me, is just obsessed with you. Thank you guys. I kind of just want to jump in. Yeah. So you're from Kansas, Yes, Kansas City, Kansas. I love it. I grew up in a really big family. Yeah. My mom was like one

of twelve kids and she's the baby. My grandmother had fourteen brothers and sisters, and she was a sharecropper in Aberdeen, Mississippi, and they would share one pair of shoes. Yeah, and so I have forty nine first cousins, So I know. I grew up Baptist, super religious, a super conservative so I didn't love that. I didn't feel like I could really dream big. I had to kind of create my

own world. I want to talk about the journey of your sexuality and you realizing this is who I want to be, this who I am in After years of speculation and questions about her sexuality, Janelle made a bold move and came out on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. She revealed she is pant sexual, someone attracted to all sexes and genders. I'm non binary, so I just don't see myself as a woman or solely or you know.

I feel all of my energy. I feel like God is so much bigger than the heat or the sheet. It's like it's like something. And if I am from God, i am everything. I am everything. But I will always always stand with women. I will always stand with black women. But I just see everything that beyond beautiful, beyond the binary. When I see people, I see your energy. I don't see like how you identified totally, and I feel like that opens you up to fall in love with with whoever,

with any beautiful spirit. You know, so interesting, the times they are changing, Yes, what got you ready to come out publicly? Well, you know, somebody said, if you don't work out the things that you need to work out first, Yeah with the world. You've been working it out with the world. Yeah, you don't want to do that. That's what I didn't want to do. So, you know, I thought I needed to have like all my answers correct.

I don't want to say the wrong thing. And also I hadn't had the necessary conversations with my family, right. I wasn't ready to have my family question my personal life. For get calls from people that still look at me as a little punking. That's what they called me back home, Like are you a little punking? That's so cute. Nobody calls me Janelle. I love that. When I got home, I'm plunking. So it took me some time to be like, okay, mom. She had a lot of questions at first, Okay, well

what does this mean? You know? And my grandmother rest her so I love her, but she was super religious. Yeah, you know, my whole family is church, church, church, and I'm just like, what does it mean to go against your whole family on this thing? But I was ready. I was like, you know what, if they don't love me, don't call me ask me for no money. You will not get my l G B t Q plus money. How about that? And I think that still someone still

are like, but let me be fly because I need to. Seriously, you gotta love our people, you gotta love But yeah, I needed to have those conversations. I didn't want to work that out. Yeah, I needed to talk to my dad, who was just great. My sister knew already because I've been in monogamous relationships, I've been in polyamorous relationship right, but I knew that I couldn't be a little Punkin. I couldn't be little Janelle. I had to be where

I was. I know who I am. I've been playing a version of some parts of me, but now I'm owning all of me. I had to own all of me to really be able to talk about it publicly. Yeah, that makes total. To be comfortable with who you are first before you can share it with anyone else. Here's the one point that I think most people miss. We are so worried about other people accepting us. The first question one has to ask, how come I don't accept myself? Okay,

And that's where the work starts. Yeah, yeah, right, exactly. Really having to look at yourself and go, why do I have a problem with me? Me? Why am I scared to step out and say if I'm a woman who likes other women? Why is that so difficult for me to just come out and say that. And it's like, well, my mom might think this, and my dad might think that, and my cousins might think this, and it's like, okay, but what do you think about it? First? Do you think? And then you got to go into oh, well I

was taught that that wasn't the right thing to do. Yeah, I was taught that. And it's like now we have to like we got a bass track and we have to read. We have to get to unravel all that, and then we have to give ourselves new information, information foundation for ourselves to sit on. You know that God loves all people, yea, God don't make mistakes. And so the more we get comfortable with ourselves and the more that we can walk in our own skin, we don't

really expect or need others like you coming around. You gotta be bringing right because I don't need your validation exactly. Were you always this unapologetic, fearless? Absolutely not. I've been doing a lot of healing I'm sure most of us have been in the pandemic. Is when you have to stay in, you go in. Right. I was thinking back to when I first started, and I was like man as as free as I was on stage, when I came off stage, I was still that scared little girl,

like I'm not good enough. That was always in the back of my mind. Well, they love me. I just remember pulling my hair because I wanted my hair to be longer, because all of the older girls used to love playing in the younger little girl's hair. And I have friends who had really long, like silky hair, And I was just like I never never feeling good enough. You know. My parents were not together, and I always thought it was me the reason why that, Like, why am I not being taken care of by my dad?

He had gotten on crack cocaine and that changed his life. That changed out our relationship. Now he's completely sobers, doing incredible. That's like my best friend. But this was when he was sick. At this time, right, I was dealing with real rejection abandonment issues. What if people leave me was a direct correlation to my dad, you know, And I always feeling like if I wasn't perfect, will they leave me or if I I don't want to feel the pain of anybody leaving. Does that make deeply? It makes

a lot of sense. Yeah. Do you feel like you can relate to those feelings of abandonment and rejection with

your father as well? Oh my god, Yeah, you know, my mother's recovering addict and my dad was an addict, and part of me coming into this industry, I ran into the same thing of just like, oh my god, people are having all these demands and me and I got afraid of success because I said, I don't want to feel the hurt when it all goes away, right, And so I actually started playing myself really small and started hiding behind being a mother and all of that

kind of stuff because I was like, that's not for me. Yeah, you know, but I had to confront all that, deal with it and heal it. Yeah, you know, slowly emerge in my more authentic self instead of trying to be something for every body. And it's been a hell of a journey. But it is a treacherous thing I have to do publicly. Yeah, it can be a lonely road. The moments that I felt most disappointed was when I

was afraid, Yeah, because I was afraid of failing. This is very important in regards to just bringing it all back to abandonment, because you've dealt with this too in your fears of like how people think about you and think about things, and it's how do you fear It's like a universal problem because we all want to be part of a tribe where wired humans are wired to want to be accepted by the community. You will have

your community even as your authentic self. And that's the thing that we miss we need to and it's knowing that those who can't ride with you as your authentic self hard right to the faster you get to you you're that's amazing. And we're trying to hatch one two trips that don't belong. They don't. It's like a play, right, They're going to be reoccurring characters. You know, they're going to be folks that won't make it back for the second act. That's right, and we have to just be

fine with letting go. You go to different levels in your life, everybody can't come. The people that are supposed to be with me, they are going to find. Yeah, so we're about to make a dream come true. Okay, okay, this is one of your biggest fans. They're in a hotel room down the street preparing to come to the tablet we like it. They have no idea that you're here, so the RTT team is going to let us know

when they arrive. I really explained it. Wow. But first, Janelle's fans call themselves fan droids and have so many burning questions for you. Let's roll the first one. Oh gosh, be nice, guys, yo, whatever it table. My name is Andre from the South side of Chicago. Janelle. So many people look up to you, and I've always been amazed and impressed by your journey. My question for you is what is the best piece of advice that you have ever received? Who Oh, I have received a lot of

advice that I mean I listened to. Literally. One of the things that we have to realize is that everybody is not going to be happy for you. Oh say that part. Say it in your circle, that's right. And externally, you're going to come up against people that will pretend like, oh, this is so great, But because they feel close to your orbit, they think you owe them something. They make

you feel guilty about not giving them something. And not really happy because maybe you're aware they wanted to be here. I wish I would have known that sooner, you know, because it would have saved me a lot of just like expectations of well, I thought this was supposed to be, you know, a best friend or a family member, and here they are telling me that they were jealous, or even if they didn't say it, their actions were just

like stemming from that. You know, what's the next question? Hi, my name's Be I'm from London and I find that heartbreak can be one of the most inspiring places to create from. So my question is, what's been one of your biggest heartbreaks. Oh, that's a very good question. I think my biggest heartbreak is when I let myself down about like when I feel like I'm scared. I didn't really take in that moment like I can relate to. Yeah, yeah,

it's like I'm judging myself and then you're sitting in regret. Yes, yeah, I've done that so many times after performances, like I look back at him like this was wrong, this was wrong, and it just breaks my heart. Why did I pile onto myself? Yeah, Like it's enough people that don't know me that will have things to say, but I was joining in on that and that's what helped me. You can relate to Yeah, the amount of self torture I've

done after shows, albums, anything, it's it's ridiculous. I feel like artists we just can we can relate to them. We can be in our own head. And that's definitely a heartbreak and you're the only one that can fix that. You have to really let it go and really believe I can't do that to me. I love me. I just love everything that you stand for. So so many

people find you at such a huge inspiration. Let me just say, when you made the choice to say no, mom, no dad, this is what I want to do totally, that was inspiring for me during the time when I was trying to ask myself what I wanted to do. When I was making decisions, I was like if little Willow like like hit and then like no, that's not what I want to do, and then completely blossoms into something that feels so just organically you. When I saw you,

I was just like flabbergast. I always like, in the best possible way, let me ask you. We're talking about how much you inspired other people, But who did you look to for inspiration? I am a Lauren Hill, just piple. I had always thought she looked like somebody in my family so much so when I met her, she said that to me. Um, but I knew I couldn't be like her, like she's one of one, so I had to really figure out Genomon day. That's right. So that

was inspiring. And also Prince, I actually was scared of Prince though before I met him. I had a dream that he would chase me around in a purple suit, Prince very witchy energy. It was super like and and and then when I met him though, it was just like, man, Yeah, like he never allowed his mystery to get in the way of his mentorship. That's right, Like he never allowed that. Wait, hold on repeat that he never allowed his mystery to get in the way of his instorship. And that's something

I try to live by. Never allowed that. You got to share these seeds, man, like we need each up, like somebody who has walked this path being able to sit down and tell to you and say, here are the mistakes that I made, Here's what I see you're doing amazing, Here's where I see you know, maybe you may need some help here. We were very close, very very close, and I always he just always feels with me. And the main thing I always admired about Prince was

just the scope of his musicianship. Yeah, Like you would look at the credits on a song, it would be like base Prince, every keyboard press like wow. Oh yes, So this photo, this was me opening up for him. He came out during my set and performed with me. I featured him on my second album. He didn't charge me anything to be on my own. So you actually made a book of essays yea a short story sci fi um collection, and it was inspired by the album and the film that I did. Dirty Computer. They started

calling us computers. You a dirty If you look different, you're dirty if you refused to live the way they dictating. Janelle has turned her futuristic vision into a new sci fi book, The Memory Librarian. The five short stories, each written by a different co author, explore queer identity, race, and love. All are set in the same harsh future, a dismal place where anyone labeled deviant has their memories wiped clean, so they forget who they love and what

they believe. Wow. So if you're a dirty computer, if you're queer, if you don't share the same religious beliefs, if you buck up against the system in any way. They cleaned all the memories so they can manipulate them and make this place called New Don be exactly what they wanted to be. I'm just having goose bumps right now. I'm just like collaborated with five black writers Danny lore, Eve el Ewing, Shari Rene Thomas, Janka Delgado, and Elijah

Don Johnson. But the cool thing about the Memory Librarian is all of the leads are non binary black folks in the l g B, t q q I plus community or women. Yeah, we don't just stay down like we get up. You know, this is a reminder that in every era, if you try to oppress the marginalized, you will not win. So that's the message of the book. That is the message of the book, And to protect your memories. Our memories make up the quality of our life.

I can't wait to I can't wait to read it. Right, we wanted to meet the woman that brought you to this planet. Oh my mommy, I love my mom so much. That lady, I mean a firecracker, like will say what is on her mind? She had me really young. She was working class, she was a janitor, was always in the front row at the talent showcases, like my baby. People call her Madam Hawthorne. That's right. I love you. I love now. I'm just happy that somebody invited me.

I said, are you kidding me? The red table? This is my ride or died when I tell you ride it out? I'm just like, that's it. I've taken her with me when I was gone to the White House, and they just followed it away. Your mom, that's right, like my mom better than me. Hello, you look so cute. Thank you man, I said, you just like her. As I was watching her and all of you interacting, I said, Janelle and Will they are a mess. Oh yes, right here. You're so beautiful. You get it all. Look the body,

all of it. Everyone. I want you, Rodney, oh my rod And I just recently got me a booth. Hello, okay, love that. I go down the lat Jada, and you are so totality. I watch every movie that you have made. Thank you so good. Thank you. As she was growing up and finding herself, was that difficult for you, specifically around her sexuality too? Oh, well, she talked to me about it before she decided to come out, so I

was very understanding and shade up. When people are an adult and make their own money, what can you say to all this one. I can't say nothing, you and me or in the same exactly. Very proud of her. I love her unconditional. Nobody will take that away from m. But I get a lot of backlash about you now. I tell them back at home, I said, who are you to judge? There? You go? You stick up for her all the time, and they don't want the bear to come out of there you go. I know about

that too. I love that because they're always our little babies. And I tell you, it don't take you long to stay mad at me. Well, how long does she stay mad at you? Oh? We usually talk. We talked, trying not to let it sit for long. That we've only had a couple of bumpings, you know, but we we definitely were both really passionate. Yeah, so I'll just go allright. We sometimes need to take a moment apart to get our thoughts together. But that's never long. Yeah, that's never long.

But I need her, so I can't be going with I can't. I'll be like, I'm mad, but can you give me advice? This is reverse. I need her. I need her too, Yeah, I need her. I need her. We know how to love. Yes, that's right. Grandma taught me. Grandma and you taught Jade. I can tell. I just want to talking to somebody. Jaydom, you probably understand what I'm saying right now. I said, listen, all of us

are not going to be wealthy. It's pick and choose who's going to be wealthy and Janelle, praise the Lord. Everybody's not gonna be They want to get your autographed, they want to see you a film or whatever. They want to do. Chosen people or that a way you've been chosen. Jade has been chosen me. Yeah, mate, we've been chosen. But I'm gonna change that for you. What's that I'm gonna change that for you? I gotta treat

will you. I'm a touch, got a beautiful soon, you got a beautiful heart, and you are a vessel for that beautiful woman. I try to be a chosen I don't ever, ever, ever ever think you know you are beautiful. That's so weird. I feel that I feeling it's a vibration at this table, We'll see I can see your heart right. Do you do you do? Jack? I told somebody I'm scared. Everyone's the Miss Janey's so happy to have you here. We also have a um we have super fans that up a secret mission. Oh my goodness

for one of your biggest fans. We flew oh say, I never had a trailer or go. Can I think for sure that from Ohio to California to meet you. But for just a little story of oh say, Hira table talk. My name is Osa Oregon. I'm twenty one years old and I'm in Columbus, Ohio. I used the pronouns day, then there's and I identify as queer and non binary. I know you're doing a show about people we admire, so I want to tell you about the impact Janelle Money has had on my life. When I

was eleven, my mom introduced me to Jenelle. She sent me a video for a song called Tyrote. In the video, she's wearing this iconic tailored, dapper black and white suit with this black bow tie, and she's singing about the importance of her own self confidence. I saw a proud black person wearing the clothing that I wanted to wear and having the confidence that I wanted to have. During my first year of college, I volunteered with GLAD as

a campus ambassador. I wrote an article about Janelle and how her style in her creativity inspired me to be the confident person that I wanted to be. Janelle was blurring the lines between masculinity and femininity. I went to my high school prompt wearing a black and white suit, and I went with my partner. Had I not seen Janelle wearing the clothing that she wore in the stages that she was on, I might not have had the

confidence to do the same. I am so grateful to live in a time where Jenelle exists and all of her excellence. I'm grateful that she's able to do what she's doing, and I'm grateful that I'm here to witness it. I cannot express how much I love Jenelle Monive, You're my hero. Oh my god, I am speechless. So Janelle and Miss Janet, we're going to be quiet, saying, I'll say, he's going to come on out of here. You don't know now, okay, Oh say come on out here and

join the red table. Oh my god, Oh my god, why am I frying right now? Oh my god? Hi, Hi darlinge, Hi beautiful. Oh look at you. You look so beautiful. Absolutely, Oh it's so nice to meet you. You have brought tears to my eyes. Stop. Oh my god, you're like I don't have words. You're like one of the most iconic people. Oh my god, Like, do we have a Let her sit there? You sit look, look, look at up. This is my mom here, sit here, this is this is who got me here. Oh my,

I give you this. Janet's I don't know you about you. Whatever you did, you produced wonderful dog her. So thank you for being her mom. Like she please sit downstare Oh my lord, yeah, go ahead and sit down. Had there been anyone else in like, I would have stopped. And this is just a lot that's comments. Usually you came all the way from Ohio. Yeah, and it was just to talk about how great you are, Like I didn't think you're going to be here, like I was

not prepared for that. I would have tried to find amputer outfit first. And the words that you spoke I got a chance to watch. Yes, hearing you talk made me I want to just do my absolute best. It's people like you feel a part of a community, in a community, seeing her loved cared for. This is exactly the reason why I do what I do. Honestly, like forget all of my whatever it is that I'm going through, but being able to touch somebody like you, that right

there means the most to me. And I just want to tell you that you are absolutely incredible in your own journey and who you are. I know that you look up to me, you look up to Willow. We have, but you have something that you are uniquely designed and put here to do and be. Ain't nobody gonna be able to tell me nothing? Now? You are? You are and I cannot wait to see what it is that you have to say and what you do. What are you passionate about? Pursuing dual degrees in political science and chance?

Thank you? Also? I graduate in May. We love a scholar, Yes we're yeah, So I got a job moving to New York City. I love it. Important thing we're talking about. You're gonna do incredible things and I wish you nothing but the best. This has been a fantastic show, is it? Okay? We gather and take some pictures beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful table. That's such a cute out. I wish I could wear latex like that. You can, it's hot, it's hot. You just get to an age where you just can't. That's

a latex pans. I was like, yeah, putting on latex is it is this hot serious thing. To join the red table Talk family and become a part of the conversation, follow us at facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast, produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.