Interracial Marriage with Ellen Pompeo

Court decriminalized interracial marriage. New statistics reveal a dramatic increase in people marrying outside of their race. Ellen Pompeo is one of them. Ellen is married to music producer Chris Ivory. Together, they have three biracial children. I can't even imagine that. But that's why every even dated outside of my race at all, never ever had a lot of that. For you certainly did. Ellen. Thank you so much. And I

know that your big superstar Grays Anatomy that show. Me and gam were obsessed with it for a very long day. It's amazing. Thank you, Thank you. It has been an amazing journey. And I also know that you're like the highest paid actress on television. We're trying to make money moves. That's that part. We did a show dealing with race issues with women of color and white women, and we've been dealing with trying to understand how to bridge the gap.

It's hella difficult. I don't feel like you have to tiptoe. I'm not afraid to talk about race. A lot of people get very nervous when you bring it up, and I understand why I do, but I am not afraid. That's good to know because that's how I want to be sensitive, because you never know how someone else feels about it, and you don't want to put them on

the griller and be right. But I mean, at the same time, it's like, listen, these are important conversations to have, and if you're afraid to talk about it, then that's a problem right there, and you want to talk about it more then if you're afraid. I feel like you're in a unique situation. Yes, raising young girls in this time, let alone young brown girls, considering you know, Ellen is white.

You know, it's interesting. My challenge with raising brown children is how much do you say to them and how much do you not say to them? Right A couple of weeks ago, I had some friends over the house little girls of color. And the little girl came in and I introduced myself and I said, I'm Stella's mom's a little black girl. And she looked at me and she was like almost scared, you know, this white lady. And then she went right to Stella and she said,

that's your mom. I thought that was that points to the nanny was a black girl. I thought that was your mom. And the little baby looked like she was scared of me. That just breaks my heart. You know, may be scared as a strong word. Maybe she wasn't confused, confused, confused, but again non trusting. Possibly that's why that experience of being in my house and meeting me was good for her to see that all white people aren't what you think.

As moms and dad's, we have the responsibility to expose our children to all different types of people, to just show them the differences in the world. I I don't care for the word diversity. I'm over it quite honestly. But the teacher kids not to be afraid of different

kinds of people, which only comes from exposure. Now, my husband is also bi racial, raised by a white mother and grew up in the projects in Boston, and he had his own experience because he was the only child growing up in the project with a white mother and no father in his life. So he was embarrassed. He loved his mother dearly and that was his queen, but she was white. We're both from Boston, and Boston is, you know, historically a very, very very place. It's where

bussing started. So you know, I have a long history with the issue of race. I know, both sides, similar to my husband. I grew up in an Italian Irish neighborhood in Boston. It doesn't get any more racist than that, right, we're going back, you know, thirty years now. So that's my experience. It's very rare, and it's actually the racism is what drew me to black people, to to brown people, because I was like, what is it? Anger? And his name calling, and it just made me so curious, and

I always had black friends. How was that received by your family? Oh my god, My father would have liked to think he was racist, tried to be, I guess culturally and societally, and I was gonna try to make him examine that every step of the way. My favorite thing to do was to have pool parties, and if I had all my black friends over and swim in the pool, so that when he would come home for full full of black boys. You know, because you're a teenager,

you have to rebel a little bit. And then my husband ended up being his favorite person in the entire world, so we couldn't go a day without calling. I know that there have been times where you might not have gotten a warm welcome or gotten support from other women of women of color, or just women in general, no women of color specifically. Well, if black women have a problem with white women, I completely understand why. If any black person has a problem with any white person, I

understand why. If black people have a problem with things that I've said. I used the term reverse racism that caused to stir people of color had a huge problem about that. They get a pass, they get to have a problem with whatever I say. All I can do is explain why I say it and what my experiences, and if you want to come at me for that, you get that right. You get that pass. Even if you're not individually racist, were responsible for each other right.

So if you're not actively standing up and screaming from the rooftops, you are responsible for it. Tell us why you use the term reverse racism. Was there a specific incident? Well, okay, so Amy was going to put out this documentary about the KKK, and I had tweeted and was vocal, this isn't cool. You guys shouldn't be making this kind of programming. I don't care in what light that show is. The trailer that I saw was provocative and it was sensationalizing

the KKK. And if you're going to give those dudes money for burning crosses or whatever they do, then that's not okay for me for an e a And he walked it back, said we're sorry, we're pulling it. So I was like, black fistemolgy, black power, I'm not appropriating culture. I'm just joining the fight. If you call me a white bitch, then isn't that judging me on the color of my skin? Why can't I help a victory from black people because I'm white? You know, if someone's defended

by me using the black emogy, I'm sorry. It's not my intention to provoke you or try to offend you. But I still stand by what I did because it's a win for people of color and I'm here for it every day. Just because I use the brown emoji doesn't mean I think I'm black. I just think they misunderstood what you were doing with the black emoji. They just felt like you don't have the right. They don't know who you are really, how you feel inside that that you've been doing this for years. If you okay,

it's okay. If they want to get mad at me for doing it, that's their right, because I don't know their pain. Because they feel like you don't have the right to use the black emoji, and that's okay. It's a really difficult position because I do feel as though, specifically for black women, there's a lack of trust. There's just such a lack of trust that I really feel like has to be rebuilt between That's what I'm saying, Like it's hard to do that when you keep experiencing

having the same negative experience. Just what you were saying, help people don't feel comfortable talking about race. I feel like a part of that distrust is because of that, like like pull back from talking about it, you know, because of that anxiety. What are you scared of or even insecurity about talking about And I feel like that sometimes leads to that suspicion, Like, if you're scared of

talking about it, then what do you really feel. I think that a lot of people are uncomfortable with talking about race because they're not around people, they don't spend time, so they get awkward and everyone's awkward. And one thing that I do think that would be productive for everybody to do is just try to make different friends. It's not like you have to form these deep friendships. I have a lot of black friends, and I have a lot of white friends. I don't see my white girlfriends

have black people in their life. From what I can see, my black friends have plenty of white friends. Really, Um, just my personal world, my experience, something that kind of is driving me a little bit crazy. Currently right now, everybody so woke. We finally realized that we can put black people in films. Um that Will Smith isn't the only black movie star. Now it's popular now, it's like, oh, it's popular to be inclusive. Yeah, And I like, I hate to be cynical. I don't want to be that person.

You guys are just doing it because it's popular. So you're gonna follow Tiffany Hattish on Instagram, Well that's all great. You know, she's a superstar and we love her, but how many non entertainment people of color are in your life over dinner? Who are you going out with after work? I could not agree with you more And I feel like it's that oftent a city that needs to happen, the willingness to do, you know, break bread. You know, one of the things that I have such difficulty with.

I haven't found anybody, or maybe I haven't opened myself up to allow myself to inter act enough to find out whether there's any commonality with me and other white women that I know. But it's brought in awareness. Yeah, so maybe that's a little spiritual, little journey for you to tex. It's not like you have to form these deep friendships, but you should have different people in your circle.

That's true. So Ellen, through all the ups and downs, you've had people calling you a white bitch and people telling you don't use the black power fast, and you know you marrying a black man and that probably being an issue at some point that could create a lot of insecurity, That could create a lot of instability in a parent sin what I've seen you is it is

only created deeper character. So I suffered trauma at an early age, right, my mother died when I was four, And I think that when you suffer any kind of trauma, especially as a child, I think you learn compassion, and I think that that makes you a more compassionate person. At the root of it. Compassion is is a great practice. And I read a lot about the white identity, like

what that's all about. There's a section of the population that truly feels like opportunities are going to be taken away from them by people of color, by lbg D community, you know, by anyone that's different from them. There's a real fear of losing their piece of the pie. Someone's going to power. I can see why some white people are intimidated. People of color are magical and mystical and powerful and beautiful, full and spiritual, and strong and excellent

at what they do. There's just so much power and talent that, you know, the black world that's presented to white people is sports, right, entertainment, some of the greatest entertainers of all time. The black experience is a powerful one, and I can see where that would be intimidating. I personally just choose to be a fan, but I can see where if people were insecure, I guess you'd be scared by it. But it's so much easier to just celebrate it and just thank the universe for giving us

people of color, because it's a gift. You know that. That's the first time I've heard that, Like really, yeah, well no from a white woman. I'm always feeling like, in a certain way, white women looking down at Black women in a certain manner, like they're angry, they're mean, So it's interesting to hear that idea of the insect, the insecurity component. I have been told many times by white women that are my peers. What's the problem, You're

judging me. I'm like, no, I'm not judging you. I'm just speaking my mind, you know, because I get very passionate about certain things, Like if one of my white friends is like, you know, I'm gonna go meet with this you know, music producer at his house and I'm like, well, are you bringing anybody? Like don't go alone? And I'm like, because you know this and this and this, and don't I don't play that like you need to be you know what I mean? Yeah, they're are you judging? I'm like, no,

I just care about you. I want you to be safe, and so I want you to know that how I feel about it, so that nothing happens to you. You know what I mean. You shine a light on their ability not to speak up for themselves, so then they have to throw it back to you. Is you're too strong, you're too intimidating, you're too intense. That's interesting. I never thought about that. I mean, I don't think I'm angry. I just think i'm I know what I'm imagining. But

that's a stereotype like when women have it. When when black women are passionate, they're angry. It's like not cool. I know, even for me over the years from Baltimore, from deep in the hood and having to really learn how to streamline my behavior and comments, you know, and style of communication because it was just considered so offensive, you know, and the idea of just being your passionate,

big self. It's just one of those things that you just gotta keep on keeping on and breaking those stereotypes, right because the power is too much for people to handle. Real talk. Unconscious biases is a term that I think is you know, it should be plastered on everywhere because we haven't we all have about everything and you don't even realize it. Yeah, I tell you, that's one of the things that I had to check myself about was really me getting in contact with my unconscious biases. It's

like as if we could all just check ourselves. Man, we could just do that instead of trying to check each other. Yeah, they yes, different worlds. Yes, that's a t shirt. Check yourself, not each other. They'll talk. Can we have a fishbowl? Please? Thank you? That's bringing us a fish bowl. You have some hand written you're right for Ellen. Why is it when a white person has children with a black person, the children are automatically black.

M You gotta consider the fact typically they come out brown. Although we have family members whose children came out looking white. They look just white. Yeah, they just look like my son looks completely what. You couldn't even tell he has any brown in him at all. From my experience. If you're asking me a white person to answer this question, being black is a thing, and it's white people that have made it a thing. There is no escaping when

your skin is dark. That's why my children are brown or whatever it is, because the world will see them that way and they will be discriminated against, and they will be judged, and they will be spoken to, and they will be treated like they are brown because their skin is brown. And me sticking up or celebrating brown people does not mean anti white. I celebrate anything black. I inevitably get a million comments. Why are the comments or can you tell whether the comments are coming from

white people or are they coming from people? Of course they are, of course they are. They are threatened by my love of people of color or black culture. Alright, Amber from Detroit for the group Best life Lessons you have learned? Best life lessons I have learned is um, check yourself before you check somebody else. Learn how to come from a place of love. Love is the key.

That is a new lesson, Believe it or not, it's a new lesson and one that I'm trying to learn, have to practice and incorporate in my life because that's a huge change for me and probably for a lot of people. I don't think I'm alone in that, No, No, I think as of so far, UM, I think the greatest life lesson that I've earned is that you just can't assume what anyone else is going through. From such a young age, I've had people trolling me on the internet,

talking crazy to me in public. Yeah, they don't know what's happening in my life, and I don't know what's happening in their life. So I'm not gonna put my emotion into exactly exactly speak at hey, does this go? Hey? One of the biggest life lessons for me as of the last couple of years is really having the courage to do what was necessary for myself, make changes in my life, make changes in my relationships, to really find that sense of self love, and really be able to

mature in a way to rely on myself emotionally. It's changed my life and and all my relationships in the best way. Is that practice of self love. Like, if you can't love yourself honestly, you cannot love you can't. The really craziest part is I thought at one point in time that my achievements would create that sense of self acceptance and self love, only to realize it didn't do it, and really having to strip all of that, strip my career, even my dependency on my relationship to Will,

even my dependency on my relationship to my kids. I mean, that's something I think every mother, I had to just like go to the bare bone and just have Jada and whoa when I tell you that was who that I mean, just to just tear everything down. And that only comes with age. Everyone talks about, you know, youth, but no one talks about the wonderful things about getting older. And the wonderful thing about getting older is the wisdom that that we're imparted with. Absolutely, I'm a white woman

engaged to a black man. What are some things I need to know to l Just love him? Just just y'all, just love each other. Just love each other. Communication is the key to any relationship. It really, if you want to stay in a marriage, you gotta listen first and talk. I would imagine that with black men and white women. White women have a sense of oppression, you know, just

being you know, being a woman. I have dated some really wonderful white men, but it was interesting in the fact that you're dating someone who has no idea what oppression or any kind of you know, he's at the top of the food chain. He just he can't he don't understand, you know what I mean. It's a very hard thing for him to be able to relate to. It was always the factor in the relationship. It that

made it break. Katie from Manhattan Beach. What's the best piece of advice you didn't take, um to quit the business, that I'd never make it. I probably would have to go with that. I remember surely my grandmother telling me, you know, you'll never make it. You need to go to college. She told me that because she's trying to protect me, and that's why I never education was a pity for her. Our last little question, are you and Patrick Dempsey still friends? We haven't spoken since he's left

the show. Okay, I have no hard feelings toward him. He's a wonderful actor and we made you know, the best TV you can make together. That's a talented man right there, and he did eleven amazing years. You know, typically when people leave the show, they need there, They need to sort of we find themselves who they are without the show, because the show takes up so much of your life. You need that time to like figure

out who you are without the show. So we have not spoken, but um, I will always have a place in my heart for Patrick Ellen. This was amazing. Thank you. I just would want to thank you for having this show and for creating this forum to be part of the change. Yeah, I want you to know I consider you my home girl. Yeah, come over my house on our next Red Table Talk. Why am I depressed? Like it was a nightmare and you know, I'm just trying to keep it together because kick everybody's Like he wrote,

I was dealing with my alane. It was a very private thing because I was ashamed. I felt utterly out of control where I just had a complete emotional collapse that then I became extremely suicidal. Oh my goodness, thank you, thank you, thank you so much for us spare say this is also thank you, Thank you so much. Hey, red table Talk family. Head to our red table Talk facebook watch show page. Join the conversation and become a part of red table Talk. To join the red table

Talk family and become a part of the conversation. Follow us at Facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.