How to Set Boundaries and Change Your Life

it again. I used to have really aggressive boundaries because my boundaries weren't respected as a child. I get angry if you make me set a boundary, you challenge their behavior, and people don't like a challenge. I guess I'm considering that a weakness. Yeah, oh, it's not that heavy. We got we got who huh? We got what we got? So we are lucky to have talented actress and our

beautiful friend Lauren London. She's started several films and television shows, is a fashion designer and a busy mom of two beautiful boys. Stute teaching for Miss Willow Smith herself. Yes you are, because you know Miss Willow is on school, so you are our guest host. I am this is the only job of Willows I could assist in because I cannot sing, and we'll not try. Let me tell you she's like a rock star now. Yes, she's rocking it out yea and loving it. We're here to talk

about boundaries. And a friend that we both share told us about a New York Times best selling book and it has helped me so much and I wanted to bring it to the table. It's called set boundaries fine peace. I mean for me, when it comes to everything, I have a difficult time setting boundaries with it all, whether it's work, family, kids, friends, boundaries with your money. Yeah, for me, setting boundaries is new. When I was younger, I was okay with being in conflict about my boundaries.

But now as I got older, I'm like, oh, there's a way to say things and learning how to have peaceful boundaries with me. I get angry if you make me set a boundary, I get angry at you. Isn't that crazy? So now you're putting me in a position that I gotta tell you to like give me fifty You couldn't see that. I definitely realized that it is a huge weakness of mine, and it's definitely played into

a lot of relationship issues. So therapist Nedra Towab's best selling book is being called The Boundary Bible, and she's here to set us all free, can get us all the way together. Welcome to the table. Let's define what boundaries means. Yeah, boundaries are the solution. It's what we want, what we need, our expectations. It's not for other people to set, it's for me to do. Yeah, I really get angry when I'm forced to set a boundary. I realized that the other day with a friend of mine.

I was like, I really have to talk to this person about this issue that I'm having. Then I got mad at that person for making me have to advocate for myself. And that was deep. That was deep. So sometimes we'll say like, well, why doesn't this person know? Right, I think of it as a preference. You may not know what my preference is for something, and so it's my job to communicate to you this is what I need, this is what I want, this is what would work

best for me. But just assuming that they should know because they're your friend, they've known you for ten years, or any of these things, it's unfair and it does put us in this space of feeling resentful, upset at them for having to do this, but their boundaries are different. Yeah, And I love how you just frame that as it's a preference. It's no right or wrong to it. Sometimes I feel like the boundaries and I'm asking for petty,

Like I'm real old school. Don't come into the house if I don't really know you and just go on my pantry. Yeah. Yeah, that's a code that might have been lost over time, but I'm still with that. I but if it makes you are comfortable, it's okay to say something. Some of us it doesn't matter. You know, it's not an issue unless it's an issue. Recently, I Wanta called me and their conversation was toxic, and um I didn't want to indulge in it, and I stopped in mid sentence and I was like, you know, I'm

really not in this space. I wish you peace and love. And they got off the phone. And then a week later I hear that they're talking so bad about me. So I there, I am creating a healthy boundary, and it felt like it went to slap me in my face. We can't control how people respond. We can say things in the nicest way you can smile and say it. This conversation isn't working for me. However you say it, their takeaway will be wow, I was just trying to talk about X, Y and Z. Why is she upset?

You have to know that the boundary in and of itself wasn't offensive. You gave them love and peace and have a wonderful day, all the things we're supposed to say. But I think the bigger issue is you challenge their behavior. There you go, and people don't like a challenge because what you said was whoa this conversation it is unhealthy for me to hear. And that person probably thought, like, are you saying I'm unhealthy? World? No, No, I didn't

say you were unhealthy. I said this is a conversation that I'm not willing to be a part of. Boundaries will challenge people's behavior. That will create some upsets, But it's okay because I'm gonna tell you something else. In that challenge, you start to realize where certain people should be in your life. Got a couple of circles and you may need to stay out here, right, we might have to put but here. They were already out there, So I'm like you want to get in the square.

I forgotten because I realized, like, in the process of learning how to set boundaries is also setting boundaries on myself. And I realized that's probably why I get upset when I have to set boundaries, because now I'm in challenged, I'm being checked. I gotta grow. Oh so you're gonna make me grow right now, right now, right this second, You're about to make me grow that I'm real, smooth

and comfortable. That's why boundaries will always be a lifelong practice, because no matter where we are and how much we've cleaned house or what we've done, will need to continue those boundaries and recognizing too that as you grow and change, your boundaries are going to grow and change. Because I had a situation recently where I was like, for right now, this is what works for me, and it doesn't have

to work for you. I need that space and I'm not willing to have that person in my space right now. And how did that How did they respond to that? It wasn't directly to the person. It was trying to make other people understand why that person couldn't be in your space. And that's always interesting when it's a circle of people and everyone else is like, why can't this person be involved? So that is a boundary to to let people know, hey, I understand this is your person.

They are not my person right now. That challenges that person because now they're thinking, well, is this something wrong with the type of people are like no, no, no, absolutely, but I have a preference of something different and that's okay. I love that you reframe that just a preference, a preference. Yeah. So that just says there are key boundaries. First, it is emotional boundaries. Can you explain? Emotional boundaries are your feelings? And I think so often when people feel something, we

tell them how to feel. It's an attempt to support, to say well it will be okay, or you shouldn't feel this way. So it's telling people how to feel when they should be over something, what they should do with the feeling. Those are the violations. Okay, so let's just talk about this for a second. I feel like I've been somewhe okay, So all right, yeah, I'm tame. They're gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay. You a week, I gotta do this. Then the third we're

gonna figure it out how do you know. I'm like, look, girl, you gotta do this and one week you will be better. So to demonstrate how our emotional boundaries can be violated, we set up this scenario. Let's take a watch justin I'm really tired, sorry from what baby? Well, I just get an email from Molly's teacher and it turns out she's not doing well in math. Let's figure out how to get Billy to the dentist tomorrow because the babysitter is sick and I just had to deal fall through

at work. So it's just it's been a day, all right. Are you crying? No, I'm not. It's just it's a lot. Hey, if you are not crying right now, listen, listen. I just think that you overthink everything. You can't deal with it right now anyway. Why are you getting mad? I'm just letting you know how I'm feeling. Yeah, but you shouldn't be sad. I mean, there's nothing to be sad about. When I try to talk about my feelings, it just seems to make things worse. So I'm just going to

keep my feelings to myself. I just had a situation like that where someone was explaining a scenario to me, and they were describing that the person got very tearful, and I was like, what's she crying for? We all cry for different reasons. Yeah, But I mean I'm just thinking, like how I didn't think about it that way. I have this thing where I don't have a lot of patience for what I consider I guess I'm considering that a weakness. Yeah, yet overs it's not. It's not that

heavy like that brought you to tears. But I wonder sometimes about the situations that might bring us to tears when other people would be okay, right, because there are things that you might get upset and be ready to cry about and then here's someone else signed to you that's not a big deal. But we determine what the

big deal is. And I think sometimes too. When I was looking at that, I was like, dang, I see myself in there, you know, because I always say it's gonna be okay, you know, because I always want people to feel better, you know what I'm saying. But it's hard to see people sad. Yeah, it's so hard. So much of my job is watching people feel right, and so I don't even give people tissue, like I'm the tissue is there. When you're ready for it, you grab it.

I don't want you to stop your process, just feel it, because this is good. It's coming out. I will sit here and it's stare at you until you're ready to talk, because this is what needs to happen. You're saying that what we should do is really be able to listen to people feel just whole space to just sit there if they are feeling overwhelmed stress is not our job

to say what they should be stressed about. You can help them problem solved, but you certainly aren't making them feel less overwhelmed by telling them this is not overwhelming. You are making them feel less supported. And I gotta stop trying to fix every damn thing. That's not my job. Let me as a friend, though, You just help space for me a couple of times crying like that help. You're like I'm here, like, no, I need help fix it. You help space for me before if they don't be

too hard. Yeah, it sounds like you recognize your limitations, like this is a thing that I can't fix for you, and my only job here is to let you cry because I can't for sure what is that I knew I could not fix was there? I know? Yeah for sure. So let's see that same situation again, but now with a boundary in place. Okay, why are you crying? You overthink everything? Are you getting mad? I'm just telling you how I'm feeling. Oh, you stop being so sensitive. I'm not.

I am just trying to talk with you. But you're being dismissive of my feelings and that doesn't work for me. It is not okay for you to tell me how I feel. You're right, I'm sorry, babe. I didn't realize how I was making you feel. Come here, m Yeah. See what happens when we tell people what we need. He probably had no clue, right, and so to have someone say this is not working for me. I'm just

trying to talk. That is eye opening and it's like, oh, and I actually want to support you, and it sounds like you have a way of me doing that for you. I gotta give the little props because you'll call me disrupted and be like, I don't need you to fix anything, mom, I just want you to listen. I go fantastic, I got you because she knows I'm gonna go straight to Okay, Well, we could do this and do that, and I'm gonna do that. No, just listen to me, Mommy, I just

need you to listen. So, yeah, it's good, it is. I've been able to do that with my husband too, because I think men typically are fixers. They want to tell you how to fix something, and sometimes I don't. I don't want you to fix it. I just need you to listen to what I'm saying. Yeah, with adult children, what I've noticed is that shift in en rolls. Right with small children, you are fixing something, but as it's become adults, now it's do you want a suggestion or

you just want me to listen. That's good. I'm gonna start using that word. So next key boundary area is called material. It's your possessions, it's your money, it is your stuff. Maddie, there you are, check me out. That's my dress. What are you doing? You have all the best clothes? Like, where did you get this? Maddie's been telling me for years that I can borrow all of her stuff. But what you didn't even ask? What are you doing? I'm going to the museum at gala party

tomorrow night. How did you get invited to that? Oh? I saw the invitation on your nightstand, and I called and I got myself in. I love her, but she borrows all my stuff without even asking. I can't believe she took the invitation. Should off my dresser, Come on, let's go chare and more dress This from your closet. That face is a sign that she needs some boundaries, right. Have you experienced anything like this? I mean I have.

I mean I always asked shot up. It's really hard for me because when you have so much to offer, this, so much to give. I'll just go into my storage and people have either taking stuff that I didn't ask, or they're putting stuff in the storage without asking if they can use storage space. But those are the kind of things I just kind of less slide or just decided to borrow that bowl that was in the kitchen

just for this little event I'm having. And then I feel guilty because I shouldn't make a difference what it does, right, I feel like it shouldn't make a difference. And then I feel like, you know, as trying to get to that spiritual enlightenment that material things don't matter, you know what I mean. But at the same time, it's the audacity. It's just it could be the boundary and it's not the material thing, you know, because you feel like people

don't respect the relationship. I'm trying to learn because I'm like her, I'm always like, my house is your house? That really felt like when you're in like good relationships with people and just whatever, take it all. It's not about the bowl itself. It is about respect and the way that we can honor this relationship is by asking. And typically I will say yes. Yeah, I always say yes, and I will always want to be asked. That's real, that's real. I want to be I'm learning that, but

it's hard because where I've come from. I mean, you know, most of the people that I have around me, we come from the same place. You want to just offer everything, offer with boundaries. I'm learning how to do that. Well, let's see the same situation with the boundary and place. Well, that's my dress. What are you doing? I'm going to the Museum Galli party tomorrow, Knights. I didn't know that you got invited to that. Oh yeah, I saw the invitation on your nightstand and I called and I got

myself in. Listen, Rachel, I really don't appreciate you taking things off of my dresser. You didn't even ask. I also don't think I can let you borrow any more

of my clothes. Okay, I still look goodness dress though, right I'll go take it off, thank you and scene and right there you go, just realizing in those boundaries that you said, you really start to see who's a real friend and not because a real friend if you were you said, you know, a Lauren, that makes me a little uncomfortable when you do that, or can you not ask me that anymore? I would feel so bad because I put you in that position. I as a friend would be like, I'm really sorry. I had no

idea would never happen again. And you know, I think people have to understand that they're not entitled really entitlment. You know, you know people that are close to you. I've done the same where you feel entitled two people, they're things I've had to check myself on both sides of that coin, or even entitled to knowing certain things about them. Yeah, I see that as a really big one, particularly like on social media. Well why didn't not know or how did they keep that a secrets? Because the

relationship is not one where they were ready to disclose. Right, that's real talk right there. With boundaries, there are times where we feel guilty. That's my whole child guilt was a full guilt trip. My whole jobhood was yeah, right into some nation. Unfortunately, I was a a lot of guilt on you. It's a powerful tactic. And yeah, and we have to unlearn it. We have to unlearned the guilt. It's okay to to say it's um. I don't even think it was intentional. I think it was just like

the way of the world we came from. You don't have once your child, don't ask me questions, sit down, or like, oh I don't like going to some and Sell's house, were we going anywhere? We're going anyway? Or they ain't do nothing to you? You know, why are you acting like that around summer? So they're nice, which is why I used to have really aggressive boundaries because my boundaries weren't um respected. As a child. I got really aggressive with my boundary. So it's like, oh, you

don't hear what I'm saying. I'm gonna fight you. I'm a sock you you're gonna respect the violence. I think we're both unraveling that aspect of using violence as a survival mechanism because that was the only thing that those environments would respect. Yeah, all right, Well the next boundary area is physical. Here's an example of someone crossing that line. Hey, baby, Susan's almost here. Thank you for being social today for me. You got a baby? There we go. Oh my god,

this is so exciting. Where here a hug? I'm going to hug. I am mortified. I told her yesterday that he doesn't like to hug. What am I supposed to do? Tell her to take her hands with my boyfriend? So greg, um, let me go get you guys some drinks. Have to seat me yourself at home. I'll be right back. That's a good couch. So Michelle told me that you are a semi pro soccer player football. Actually you're so fit.

Susan is one of Michelle's best friends. But she's a little touchy touchy, and I'm not Oh this is a good one. Yeah, this one. How do you think he should have handled that, Lauren? You know me personally, I would have been very discreet and taking her hands and gave him a little squeezed like thank you and put

them back in her respectful space and body. That's how I would have handled it up in the air, if that would have been the right way or not, because I have been in positions like that before, which just people you know, coming and put their arm around you, and you're like, are taking pictures with you and having their arms on your waist or hugging, you know, just stuff like that, And I've always been like, I mean, since my body, I don't like, you know, being touched

by strangers or people I work with. But I don't know if that's the correct Wait, I'm sure I should say something that's a good way to physically interject, and I think he tried that by moving a little bit, and sometimes that works. I think in this scenario, what stood out for me the most was her friend was informed that he did not like to be hugged and he didn't like physical touch. When we like something, we

think everybody else should like it, and it's anything. You go to your favorite restaurant, You're like girl to pasta. You gotta try to pasta. You know you should go? Can we go Tuesday? You just want people to be like you, to feel like you. You are introvert, You should be more extroverted. You know, we like to get people on our page. I think that was her attempt, like, well, he doesn't like physical touch, but he hasn't met me,

and it's like he doesn't like anyone's physical touch. And we have to be very clear that it's not you. It's his preference. His preference is please do not give me a hug. It's not because he doesn't like you, your perfume or anything like that, but this is the preference. It's not you, it's me, because it is me. It's my preference. It's not you, it's me. So let's see that same situation again with a boundary in place. Okay, Todd,

it is so nice to finally meet you. Hold see, I'm not a hugger, but we could say go on it. So I'm gonna go get us some drinks and you make yourself home perfect. Looks great, Thank you. So Michelle told me, what's your mind? School over just a little bit. I like my personal space. I got it. It was hard to tell Susan to move over at first, but I did and she sen and she moved over and everything was fine. Yeah, so he handled it as he should. For sure, she did his boundary's boundary, but then I

would have a talk with her anyway. She was too close anyway, but that to be her friend's boyfriend. He kept it cool, yeah, because he made like a joke and was like, hey, we're good, exact distance cool. I love how At the end he said it was hard, but I did it anyway, and she listened. Our assumption is often that the person will not listen, that they will hear the boundary, they will have this overreaction everything,

but they will be offended. Yeah. Most of the time people listen, and most of the time people say okay, sick a little bit back. Okay. That is typically how a person will respond. So next up is sexual boundaries. Let's see that. How are the kids. How's work going? Did you know something different with your hair? You look great? You've been uh working out? Yeah a little? Um, so what's new with you? God? My brother is such a lucky guy. I don't really like going to family parties

because of my brother in law, Richard. He thinks he's being funny, but his comments kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. But at the same time, it's Richard, Okay, Richard, And it's such a flirt. I really can't help it when I get around you, Richard. I want to go to the bar and sir, another drink. Sir, you know, I see Aunt Betty all by yourself, so I'm gonna go check on her. Okay, but have a drink for me. See you around Richard, m hm say I would tell

my husband, is it? Yeah? Yeah, I think that's certainly a situation that needs to be addressed because it will keep occurring, and it needs to be a group effort because this is a family situation. There will be tons of family events, and this level of inappropriateness is it's hurtful and it is disgusting. Let's see how she uses boundaries with her brother in law in an alternate take. God, my brother is such a lucky guy. Okay, Richard, I know you're my brother in law, but your comments about

my appearance makes me feel really uncomfortable. And I'm not interested in having this conversation. And I'm just joking around. I know, but it's not funny, and I'm done talking to you. Good night, Richard, and good night. I remember the first time someone told an inappropriate joke and I said, oh, that's not funny. They were so shocked. It was like no one had ever said to them that's not appropriate, it's not funny. I have a wonderful sense of humor.

I like oh types of comedy, but what you said that wasn't a joke and it wasn't funny. Yeah. I think we've all come across those people. I just get quiet around them, like, don't even think of coming over here, coming over here with that? Right? So next, we have intellectual actual boundaries. Intellectual boundaries are your thoughts and ideas. It's not okay for them to be domained, for people to try to change your mind or tell you that it's not okay to think a certain way, particularly when

that way is not harming anyone else. Okay, I need to see what that looks like. And miss you. I miss you too, Lockdown, how are the kids? Hell? I wanted to talk to you about all the Thanksgiving plans that we have this year. I think Mom is really going to be impressed. Wow, Marcia, are we really doing things giving? I just didn't think we were going to do it this year with everything going on? Is it safe? Not only are we going to get together, We're gonna

do it big? Yeah, I don't really think that's a good idea. It should be small. This year, I planned this whole Thanksgiving meal, and I thought my sister would have been excited about it. She's making it all about her. Well, I already invited the Johnson the Derekson's and mom and dad, and that's like twenty three people. And you know how I feel about social distancing, and I'm being very careful. You're gonna be an a diva and you're ruining our

Thanksgiving tradition. Talking to my sister, it's like talking to a brick wall. I already feel so resentful of her, but I don't know how to tell her that I heat that she makes me feel bad, but I'm worried about these people coming over. She's dismissive and she's makes me feel like a villain. Hm hm. The intellectual pieces that they had different perspectives about how to operate in the pandemic, and we have to allow people to pandemic

however they pandemic. That's right, what may not work for you. There's a lot of boundaries. Being a cross with it really is. A friend of mine called me a couple of weeks ago, her and her sister stopped talking because she set a boundary with her house. We all have different comfort levels. Yes, this is really that time and the holidays are coming up. Okay, well let's see how these sisters work it out. You're being such a diva. Well you can disagree without calling me names. Don't you

realize you're ruining Thanksgiving? You know I'm not going to talk to you if you keep raising your voice and dismissing me. So what are we gonna do? Just stay home? Yes, and I'm going to seriously urge mom and dad to do the same. Are you serious? I'm serious? You know I'm serious. If I'm not crystal clear with my sister, she'll take over everyone's life. Just because she's older, she thinks she's right all the time. My opinion matters just

as much as hers. It sounds like because I was a baby, or my opinion about things didn't matter because you were the baby. Well you are the baby, and I think it's so important that we just respect where people are sitting here. And unfortunately, the more you let boundaries go and don't communicate it, now you have to unravel a habitual lack of boundary, which a lot of us tend to have to do, especially important relationships because

we've let him go for so long. So m and people are so used to just operating in a certain way. You can change your mind at any time. You can have a new boundary that you didn't have yesterday. Watching this show, people will look and say, oh my gosh, this is what I need to change, And the change can happen today. It doesn't have to be why I've been doing it for ten years now, I have to keep doing it. You can. We grow and evolved, and so it makes sense to shift whenever you need to. Oh, man,

thank you so much. Was awesome conversation. Yeah, this is a real blessing. I really hope that this helps people big time, because every last one of us have problems with setting up boundaries. You know what I mean. And get the book. You will be blessed from reading that book. Yeah that was good. You see good, guest her, you did an amazing didn't just say that because I'm here. That's real nice. I'm creating a boundary you did. Really, Thank you, Thank you? I did. I know. I'm around

y'all so much. This Mike is hot. But to join the Red Table talk family and become a part of the conversation. Follow us at Facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook, Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.