Hidden Struggles at the Virtual Red Table! (Janelle Monáe recap)

but from their mother, who is amazing as well. Yes, listen, the episode touched so many points. I was so excited that Janelle is a Red Table Talk o g just like us. I mean, they have been following since the beginning, and why would you not. We love the show. It just reminds me of how impactful Red Table Talk really has been and it continues to be so relevant. You know. Let's just give a big kudo to Jada and Gammy and especially Willow because this was her wishless and I

love that. One of the beauties about this episode Janelle Monee owns every part of themselves and I love that. Yeah, I do love that. They said they feel energy first. That is important in the connection. Sometimes if I walk in the room, I definitely feel energy first, whether it's hot, whether people are cold, like that energy first, just for them to tap in like that, that's dope. Yeah, that's dope. Yeah. I can't only imagine what the energy felt like at

that table. And then when Janelle Monet's mom came out, Oh my gosh, and the super fan. We have got to talk about the super fan. This episode was just chock full of goodness action. Fact, it was educational, It was mind opening. I bet some mindsets were shifted in this episode because we talked about family and sexuality and acceptance and authenticity and love and energy and being authented. Who are you? I think that's something we're gonna tap into all season long, right, I bet that's true? Who

are we? And how can we learn from each other to support each other and lift as we climb? That's so important. Absolutely, absolutely, our community is our backbone and we love to hear from you. On the episode of Red Table Talk, we're discussing a fan asked you, now, what's the best piece of advice you've ever received? We asked our community the same question, and here are some of your answers learned from everything and everyone from Styles Traybond,

from Black Lives Matter Memphis ten. Don't expect and you won't be disappointed. Oh mg, Now this is a double edged sword, right? Should you have some expectations? I mean you should have some realistic expectations, like some things like you know, I'm hungry, I'm gonna eat. But to say I'm gonna eat this meal is gonna be good? That's not always Again, I'm gonna eat lobster tail and you have two dollars in your pocket? Got it? Okay? Number three, make sure that what you do today you can live

with tomorrow. From Diane feeling cooked. That's a good one. I told my son all the time, like, don't make permanent decisions on temporary emotions. So that reminds me of that. Right, Yes, that's good for that's my favorite. I love acronym. You've been waiting for it. Come on, Cora, let us have it. Legammo. Okay, it's let it go and move on. Shout out to Sarah Richardson from that's from my Red Tables r v A group. So yeah, I love that. I'm gonna just

start saying that Legamo number five. Don't envy people. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Hello and hello Glenda Morrison. Yes, indeed that is so true. Thank you, Glenda. That's right there with the grass is greener. You look over and realize the grass is astro turf. Right. You gotta get people off that pedestal, okay. And six, Never place your happiness in someone else's hands. Thank you to Seal soul More. Yeah, that's what we needed. Don't put

you your stomach in somebody's hands either. My daddy used to say that. Okay, feed yourself. I like that. That's good. I love that. Thank you to our community for sharing. We love it when you engage with us. Keep it comment alright, red Table Talk family, we are going to take a quick break, but when we get back, we will be joined by two amazing guests from our Red Table Talk community. We're breaking two fellow Red Table Talk

community members to the virtual Red Table do. It's my pleasure to introduce you all to my friend Joy Donaldson listen. Joy is a published author, sexuality professional, award winning filmmaker, mental health advocate, and an all around creative. She is the curator of good vibes as we all love those, and through transparency and humor, she has learned how to make these tough conversations fun and exciting and of course successful.

Thank you, Joy for joining us, Thank you for having me and also joining us is Edmund Giles, Originally from the small town of Dermott, Arkansas. Edmund has been a fan of Red Table Talk for more than two years, and he was recently invited to this year's Memphis Sister Friends Red Table Talk Community. Edmund joined the Red Table Talk community to learn, be informed, and have conversation with friends and family to understand their perspectives on the many

topics discussed on the show. I love that. Welcome Edmund, Thank you, thank you so much for inviting me. Absolutely well, let's let's kick it off, don't. This is the part of the show where we reveal which moments made us pause. I mean, listen again and say, wait, what, Joy and Edmund? What were your weight what moments? Oh? I'd love to hear of y'all have to say. I really was blown the way when Janelle said to think about God and being bigger. I feel like God is so much bigger

than the heat. Or the sheep. It's like, it's like something and if I am from God, I am everything. I'm continuing to unpack my relationship with God. Could there have been moments I'm like, really, one of the things that I really loved it when she talked about how God is bigger than pronounced God is bigger than the box that we tend to put God in. And I have trouble when people say God is a heat why again saying again, I don't like it. I fight back against it. It bothers me so much and makes the

back of my knees itch. I don't like it because it really feeds into patriarchy and the expectation that this has to be a male dominated thing for this to be truthful. And I honestly think that the God of our ancestors, the God that met us not only on the passage, but was there before anyone was out there. That's the God that has been swallowed up within white

supremacy and patriarchy and everything else. And getting back to that version of God, I think is why so many of us black people specifically have left the church, because we're like some in the milker and clean. We have further questions. Yeah, and you know what. Shout out to fellow co founder Memphis Sister Friends Rep. Dr Ros Goals, who regularly refers to God issue. So I totally feel

you there, Mean, what were your weight? What moments? I think there was a moment when Joanlle talked about life is like a plane. It's like a play. You're going to be reoccurring characters. You know they're going to be folks that won't make it back for the second act.

That's right, and we have to just be fine with letting go and having to be okay with the people leaving and not holding like I was like okay, wow, And then kind of going to what Joy was saying about God being this bigger person, bigger than the heat, than the sheet. How are you and I had similar weight? What moments when she came out in the dress, come on here for the what come on late Tex? Listen? It was the red people in the back for me,

you better have the red zipper and you represent. It was also the moment at the very very end when Willow was like you could wear a late Tex mom and Jade was like, you just get to an age where you just can't as much as I I ain't no way exactly sliding round. It's no way one year old right in the midst of menopause, I can tell you the latex is not your faby. My other way what moment goes right in line with what you said, Edmond about how you wake up, because Janelle Bonney literally said,

we don't just stay down like we get up. You know, this is a reminder that in every era, if you try to oppress the marginalized, you will not win. You don't stay down, you get up, and you slay that. I like it. It can We also talk about how Willow carried that episode she did. She did. I was very proud of the same. I was like, yes, in my mind sometimes Willow be at the table, like I know, my MoMA and grandma got me up here doing this show. That's what I'm thinking sometimes. But I was so happy

that this was her. She was all vested in this episode. So I agree with you guys, because I definitely don't want to hear her in ten years, like I didn't really want to sit at the red table. I'm glad you're at the red table, Willow. I am too, Willow. We need more of that more of the same, Willow.

And the other thing I love is that you know you guys remember at that one point where you could tell how she could sense the energy in the room, right, and then how Janelle Blename's mom, who is uh that's that love that she was sharing? You could see like Willow was like, oh Mom, I love you. You know it was just so sweat. It was just such a nice, tender moment for us to be able to see that

I love her unconditional. Nobody will take that away from y. Yes, I'm so happy you brought that up because I thought that was so sweet when they when she said they have these moments when they argue with it. I can't be manageding because I need that. I need help help me. Who can I know what side my bread is buttered on? Right? I need you might be getting on my nerves, but I still need you. Yes, yes, And can we talk of out my my weight? What moment in the vein.

Two of the four of us have had mothers who have transitioned on and so the mother daughter dynamic, which is one of the premises of this whole show, was so overwhelmingly wonderful to see for me because there's so few images that we see that are positive, healthy mother daughter relationships with women of we got a chance to see it hand over fists. I was like, you know, Gammy and Jada and Jada and Willow and Janelle Monet's mom and it was just the whole table was overflowing

of love. It's the evolution for me. Even in the end one um Jada grabbed Janelle Money's mom hand and just encouraged, just felt that. I was like, that's so amazing. That was like, yes, that was amazing. And even oh the super fan, super super Fan, it's so nice to meet you. You have brought tears to eyes. Stop. Oh my god, You're like, I don't have words. You're like

one of the most iconic people. Super Fan killed it when they were talking about the relationship they have with their mom and how supported their mom was during their coming out. I just thought it was just so much love and energy in that space. And even with Janelle asking her about people were hugging how was your flight? And I'm like, right, come on, how moment. That's what makes the Red Table talk the Red Table talk, right, It's just I also want to say, like, even on

Janelle's journey. I loved how she said, I will always stand with women for whatever they're fighting. Exactly. We all as humans just need to evolve. We all should fight for each other, like you don't have to abandon a piece of your journey when you find a new path. I love that we have lots of questions for you exactly. I know we want to know from both of you, what did you both think of the episode. Let's start with Joy and then here from Edmund. I have been

a fan of Janelle Money since shoot the mixtape days. Right, A lot of people don't know her backstory, like she originally was with Diddy and Diddy was like I don't know what to do her, So that's how she ended up with Big Boy, all the things that she didn't in Atlanta. And I've been a fan of theirs for ever, and when I saw they were going to be on the Red Table, I was so excited to hear their perspective,

especially after them coming out as non binaries. So I am the mother of a non binary child, so I know Janelle goes by still goes by. She her and they then uses them interchangeably, but watching her interact with everyone around the table, and especially when her mom came out. It was just so beautiful to watch her share about her journey. It was such a good episode. It was so thorough. I loved the moment between Jada and her mom when she touched and was like, oh, child, I

feel that. Yeah, I said, Jada at this table, I saw what she That was hilarious to me. I loved they love Yes, I love it. Such a good episode. Yes, come on, Edmund, what did you think of the episode? Oh? My god. First of all, I think the episode was just amazing. Right. The consistent word I've heard, even even on the episode was like the energy in the room.

The energy was just so like exploding to me. The conversation was amazing just to hear Janelle Monet's background, where she came from, and how she really decided to live on her true, authentic self and you know, not worry about what others think. And that's what really resonated with me. Really being able to live and be free with who

you are, regardless of what other people think. Having your tribe, having those important people that support you, that love you at the foundation of all things, right, that's so important, so important. Shout authenticity, yes, and not sacrificing out to it, like Hi, five people are being themselves. Finally, I don't know if it was called COVID, but the mass are off Okay, So I love that. I love that's move forward in spite of or because of COVID. The masks

are of exact we are living are authentic. I love that, Edmond. I love the point that you made to about despite the fact that Genemon, they came from a small town like you, she was able to live in her authentic life. She was able to be authentic and identify however she chooses, interchangeably or not. How was there a time in your life when you had to decide that living your authentic life was more important than fulfilling any kind of familial expectations.

That's a really good question. I came from a really small town. Population are probably like two thousand, like that's including the mailboxes and everything, right, so kind of growing up in a small town, the small town mentality. People were really deep rooted in their religion, right what they were taught, and not really thinking outside of the norm or really getting an understanding the word per se for themselves. Right. I consider I was in a box right by growing

up in a small town. But I wasn't really able to expand and fly and be free. My mom was really strict or whatever. So it really came full circle for me when I graduated from high school. I did an internship at Walt Disney World for a year. That's when I really began to be free and kind of explore who I truly was and who I truly was born to be. Right when I left Walt dis in the World, I said, Okay, this is me. I don't

care what people think. Of course, I was still younger, but I was willing to take to take the risk step outside of the norm of what people say, Well, this is how you should be versus this is who I truly am. You accepted or leave it. I came out to my family. It was a struggle in the beginning with some of my family, but you know, I was willing again to take the risk because at the core of it, like love is really what holds all

of us together. And I think that's the problem that goes back to being able to step outside of the boundaries and just think about like God, for example, God is loved, loved that and have a limit, right, come on? No limits? Yes? Some here m j B shout out to marry j Blicke. Don't you look no more love without a limit? Hey? Like God, he doesn't have a limit on us. So why are we putting limits on

people rights? Free? Yes? Be free? Well edmund? I love that and talk about unlimited love, right and unconditional love is what we all expect to have from our families, but we know all too often that is not the case. And seemingly the smaller the town, the more challenging it is to align with certain more raising values that exist in small town community. So I celebrate you for being

able to live in your own authentic self joy. You have definitely crossed over into a whole new realm, especially for a woman of color to be so accepting and so on point. How were you able to get to that? It happened without me being able to be accepted. I'm a straight cis head woman who I like to say, unfortunately it's straight. I have never heard that before, right, because I mean, you know men, right, you know that's

a full sentence right there. But when it really came down to it, and as we continue to talk about family, my family wasn't super religious, but it seemed like there was a thread of you shouldn't be able to do that because I can't do that, and a long ways folded into that was this element of but what about security? What about I can't picture you doing that? So if I can't picture it, there's no way that I can see you doing it, So I'm not going to support you.

I'm not going to be there for you. And that was kind of the relationship I had with my mom, and it was really difficult to have these dreams as a kid and to basically be told I can't see you in that, therefore this dream is not worthwhile. Sound growing up in Richmond, Virginia, we are already the capital of the Federacy, so about default, there are some things that are against us, But then you fold in the

religiosity that's there. You're holding the elder mentality of respectability, politics and how things are supposed to go, and you're not supposed to go after anything like that, right, You're not supposed to do something. And my way of kind of fighting back, even unintentionally growing up, now I see how intentionally it was, even if it was the ancestor. This kind of intentionally working through me with that, was going, no, you're not gonna tell me what I can and cannot

do such strength. I already beat myself up enough, right, I'm already beating myself up. Exactly. I don't need you to do the work for me. But if I really, fold really like pay attention to that. I learned how to beat myself up by being told you can't do that. That's where I came from with that. So when my child initially came out to me, it wasn't a question. You immediately were I'm here for support out the gate right, exactly right, I'm here for support. And they they just

recently turned thirteen this past Saturday. While we were out to eat, they told me you're the only parent I can trust. You're the only parent that supports me. And that's bitter sweet. It's bitter sweet. Let's stop into that, because, like my next question for you anyway, was we're already talking about authenticity, right, and and being who you are. Let's talk about being a parent, right, and how the

journey of parenthood. I could speak for myself. You not got that twenty year old, it already did not look anything like I wanted it to look right, and it kind of goes back to what you were saying about, you know, you growing up in those religious pieces, not what they were picturing and not what we thought. I have found personally found peace and just allowing myself to enjoy what this journey is. How did you feel watching the episode and seeing the parallel between you and Janelle's mother.

So I get a lot of backlash about Janelle. I tell him back at home, I said, who are you to judge? There you go, you stick up for her. It's definitely a journey, and there are elements that people don't talk about when it comes to children or our kids that come out as trans or non binary. There

is an element of mourning that you do. You don't know that you're doing it, but it's you're watching, Like you said, the expectation that you had your parents idea, And I actually had to talk to my cousin about that and allow myself to say the sentence that I was looking forward to raising a daughter, and now my child is in that space of discovering who they are along the binary and sometimes they lean in to hear him.

Sometimes they lean in that they them and they've all but kind of shunned that she her element of things, and I have to allow myself those spaces of grief and of mourning that this is not what I, quote unquote thought it would look like. But my child needs me as they are in this moment, so I think it's healthy to allow yourself that space of change. And then, with me being a sexuality professional, I talked to them about how things look a little bit different for trans

and non binary kids. So we have these almost clinical conversations folded into these emotional conversations to say, this is who they are, and they're still figuring themselves out. These teenagers are different anyway. Okay, let's just talk about teenage life is already young me was not standing up for me today like that, you know what I mean, So

shout out to these young kids. Though. I look at my kids every day as they are finding their voice and beating back depression, beating back anxiety, beating back PTSD, beating back the friends that make them feel othered and the people that did actually other them, the people that have mis gendered them, the people that have used their old name against them. As much as they beat themselves up. I look at them and say you have a one survival rate every day and I look at you and

I go, you should be proud. I'm interested in knowing for you and for Edmund, how did you find in your community? Because you each have different journeys, right, Because Edmond identifies in the l G B, t Q what I call the alphabet community, I can say that because I'm in the community, I'd love to know how are

you able to find your people? It's kind of like trial and error, right, So just meeting people and just having friends and really understanding that some people are only in your life for a season and that's right, and so once that season has expired, it's time to let that go. Because if you hold onto things that are not meant to be in your life, that's essentially holding you down from your success. So it's really about for me, trial and error and not having a large circle. Right.

So now I have a really really small knit circle, and I can truly say that they are my tribe. If you will, I can go to them. They call me out when I'm wrong, Like we all kind of adapt in the spirit of love, and like we can argue today and tomorrow we're back at being best friends. I love that beautiful. I'm a major proponent and fan

and champion of seeing a firm have been loved. So I love that your tribe can agree to disagree and still move on and do it from a loving place and still love each other and not let that be the end of it, because you just have a different perspective, and it's really about not like holding grudges than not taking it personal right, just being able to take what I say and kind of move on right. So that's beautiful. Oh,

I love that. That's the beauty of family, exact that I identify that you get an Earth family and a birth family, and oftentimes, for many people that identify in the queer community, the Earth family tends to be the truer, closer, more loyal and supportive family. Sometimes you cannot put these human beings on the pedestal because they are going to show up for you the way in which you think they should because oh, that's mom, that's such a such,

that's whoever. Doesn't always happen that way. And the quickie you learned that, the quicker you're able to rebound and be able to really reconcile that thought process of what a mother when a father was family is and then you're able to better pick and find that birth family. Like Tracy said, and as a mother, now your child seems so self realized and so self aware, and at thirteen, I'm super impressed with that. There has to be some

practice of self acceptance, self affirmation. How has that practice played a part in this process and journey for your child could be honest, they have a really hard time with self acceptance. They have a few chosen names, but the one I us is Lonnie, which is a part of their birth middle name because they're named after my

grandmother and mamaternal grandmother as well. So when I would tell them when they would have these fights with these quote unquote friends, or they would have an argument with their dad, or they would just get really down. They would deal with suicide of ideation at some points, and they would get upset with themselves in the mirror and say they don't like what they see, I would again tell them, I know you're thinking that self love is just staring in a mirror and telling yourself, oh my god,

I love you so much. You're the greatest thing ever. But the fact that you set a boundary with someone. The fact that you told someone you're not going to talk to me that way, You're not going to treat me that way. That is self love and acceptance. Sharing with them and letting them know like that is a form of love for yourself, and watching that kind of click with them has been a form of self acceptance

for them. I love that they're understanding or reidentifying like some pieces of pain are necessary in pieces of love, Like that's what I heard, and that like we don't have to throw all pain in one bucket, Like there's pain when you're working out, but that's a form of self love. It's going to get you to a greater space. So again, I'm hoping that they'll see and kind of going back to the episode two, like we're not gonna hold on to our tribe that think for us, Like

we're gonna let them go. We're gonna accept that, we're gonna respect our own boundaries and move forward exactly. I mean, what about you, how do you practice your current self love and acceptance? So I mean it's really about you know, I wake up every day I'm confidence in who I am right, So yes, I love that when I wake up in the morning, and I look in the mirror and I see the reflection. I see myself, right, I

just see confidence. So it's really about being clear on what matters to me and aligning to those decisions and identity of my core values. That's what really helps me. I mean, hop about the bit and I heard my swag on I mean that's what I heard that. I look in the mirror and say, what's It's the rap lyrics for me? Come here with the rap lyrics. Lyrics, these affirmations. You guys were speaking about these affirmations. You know,

I'm all about affirmations absolutely. I want to kind of take a step back if we can for a moment. You know, you said something around like acceptionce right. When you think about parents that have a young child that wants to come out and be free and be themselves, what would you tell a parent that's kind of struggling. How do they say, I love my child, I want to accept my child, but they're struggling, right? What advice would you give to that parents? That is a great question.

Something I was thinking about earlier this week was I can't live their life for them, And the one thing I don't want to be is the boulder that they had to jump over in therapy getting over me because

I wouldn't allow them what they wanted to do. And I think that also is a leftover piece of church slash slavery slash generational trauma, all the things that we went through to be expected that this is how you're supposed to be and how you can break your child's spirit unintentionally because you're not allowing them to be who

they are and to walk with them through that. And I would definitely say that to a parent, because I have a couple of friends that have out kids that are very dismissive of them or kind of treat them like they all move past it's always a phase, and like that baby is twenty four, that's not a phase.

And don't ignore it, don't dismiss, don't dismiss what's in front of you, right They because they think that, oh, if I stretch that arm out a little bit to give them some distance, they'll realize that, oh, I'm on the wrong side, and they'll quote unquote straightened up. And that's not how that works. So I have a lot of affirming friends in my life. I am demi sexual, so I'm on the a sexual space of the LGBT community. I heard somebody on TikTok called the leg booty community,

which has always been funny to me. He was like, as a member of the leg booty community, and I kept it in my head that was Tracey, We're gonna come back to that. Wait a minute, play that back. Okay, wait a bit. As a fellow member of the leg Booty committee, he have you ever heard this? I've never heard this leg booty committee. The leg booty because if

you say it quickly enough, the leg booty Committee. Okay, sound like a word, right, sound like you're right, You're actually if you try to make it a word, I would say to parents that ultimately, yes, you brought the child into this world. No, you do not legally have the right to take them out of it. But if you are in that space and that child feels safe enough to come out to you, the worst thing you can do is break that spirit. Because they had the courage,

the courage, right, they had the courage. It takes so much courage. I just a bravery. Another friend of mine, when Lonnie first initially came out, she was like, go nuts by every rainbow thing, be that parent, because that kid needs to know that you support them. That was a super big thing. Yes. So going back to Janelle Mune and the fact that her folks were from Aberdeen, Mississippi,

and my mom and dad are from Aberdeen, Mississippi. My grandmother had fourteen brothers and sisters and she was a sharecropper in Aberdeen, Mississippi. The answer to that question was Yes, Cara, a pebble became a bolder. I believe it. I understand it was a big old boulder and I am so totally here for Lonnie. So Lonnie, here's to you, prob oh. When I tell you, I see you, I affirm you, I love you, and you be the most amazing, authentic you that you want to be. You got my vote

on Monney, go you period. I want to just give a shout out to Lonnie. I came out when I was nineteen years old and it was super difficult, and I can't imagine having done that six years prior to, at twelve thirteen years old, saying anything about who I thought I was. It's such a societal conditioning that if you don't fit, you literally don't fit. You know, if you're a square peg in a group of circles you don't fit, and then your ostracized. Exactly. Some parents have

like this vision for their children exactly. They want them to live this life or this life that they have in their mind. But unfortunately that's not their path, like their path does their own path. So yeah, oftentimes parents want you to live the life that they didn't get to live. You know, it's like you're the dream deferred. They want to fulfill their hopes and wishes and dreams and goals through you and not really identify what it

is you want. So show up, you would tell a parent, show up for your child, go all out, rainbow it up. Be a part of the leg Booty Allied Committee. Yes, well listen, I had to watch. I watched Post shout out to Post. I love that show. Yes, it was set in the nineteen eighties, super influential about dance culture, has several segments about life in the society based in New York. The show really it changed my perspective. It gave me a sense of something I had no idea about,

which was just the community and the family aspects. I can tell you car Not only were the families identified behind the scenes, so to speak from the ball. When they were doing the balls, they would prepare and compete as families, So you had the family that was connected based on in many cases the mother of the house took in the kids air quotes kids because they had been re chected it from their own biological families. So few people knew. Yeah, it definitely changed the trajectory of mind.

Just straight privileged man, you just start to realize the things that you dismiss and don't take into consideration. And so it definitely was heart breaking for me to even see that people were going through that, Like how could I be so dismissive? So I'm happy to be learning more. A lot was uncovered in that and that show. Bravo to those good folks that brought that absolutely great awareness.

I've had a whole debate card to your point with another person who was a church member, interestingly enough, and we were talking about coming out day right, and she was like, I reject coming out day because her argument, which is legit, is people that are hetero sexual, to your straight privilege do not have a I'm straight deck right, So you shouldn't have by default a day where we

have to proclaim and do a blah blah blah. Here's the declaration of Yes, the dad came out, and so there's a lot to be said for families who are accepting. And to you, Joy, I applaud you for being able to identify that you don't want your child to default to the absolute worst extreme of hate to be the response that comes to you. Know here it is, I have to tell you something that is about my true, authentic self. It's just a challenge. There's so many nuances

to it. And then you start talking about people of color in the LGBTQ community and how that's a double standard. That's another episode to another long episode. When they first initially came out, and I was basically saying, you have a history that is black, you have a history that is lgbt and please understand that those histories intersects. Do not think you have to choose as So the first person I told them about was Marsha P. Johnson, right right,

Marsha P. Johnson. She was such an impactful black gay rights activists from the sixties and into the nineties. So that's so true. I was telling them that, like, well, join the to people that lad these spaces that you are into now, look like you don't let anybody tell you. That's not how you're supposed to do it. As What was it like when you had to decide that living as your authentic self was more important than fulfilling for

meal real expectations. What was it like? You know, initially I would say that it was like very scary, right, it was lonely. It was more important for me to really be and live in my true authentic self. My mom raised me as a single mom. So when I came out to my family, I came out to one of my sisters and the kind of just casting it down from there, right, So my sister told my other sister, then they told my mom. And at that time I had a really good relationship with my father because we

were like best friends. I was afraid of losing that relationship, and so my mom told him and he kept asking, like he can't, I'll never forget. He came to me twice and I was like, what's going on? Your mom is saying this, this, this, And I was like, you know, at one point, I was like, you know what, forget it.

I'm just to tell him the truth and I'll just have to deal with the rest later, right, So I told him the truth and it was so refreshing because when I told him, he was like, Okay, what's the problem? I love you regardless. From that point on, it was just amazing. And that was just confirmation to me that I can really be myself regardless of what other people think. That's fantastic. That's like the ideal state you want from

a parent. Absolutely, But I have to know, did you go back to the sister and say, now, look here, I told you to spill all my beings because what in the world average beverage? Like, what in the world anybody? Actually? I asked her, said, so who told you to go to tell everybody? Like? That was the discussion between you and I? She said, I didn't think it was a big big deal. So my older sister she struggled with

it for like a while. And so I'll be transparent and say that our relationship with strained for like years. We were very distant. I came out around the age of nineteen, so I'm thirty eight now, so I would say, and I turned thirty, I called my older sister. I was like, you know what, just scratch everything, let's have a relationship so relationships we've kind of been building from there. We just can't continue to hold onto things. I was a bigger person, and I mean now we're all in

a really good space. Unfortunately my mom has transition. My mom transition last year, but we're really really in a

good space. You know. It's so interesting that siblings can have even more impacts sometimes in parents, right, because you're so close to them and you grow up with them more times than not, and what they think and how they feel, and then of course what they share in your sister's case, can make a real impact on your life, because what if you weren't ready for your other siblings and your mom and dad to know, you know, she

kind of outed you. And what happened if I wasn't strong enough to handle like everything that was coming at me. What happened if I would have tried to commit suicide or something. And the thing about coming out is you have to come out in your own timing. You should not be forced to come out, and you have those face to face I wrote my mom letter Edmund. When she opens it and reads it, it's going to be like, hey, I remember they're being a distinct line. It's like everything's fine.

But now don't don't freak out because I like women. It's not a big deal. And what was the response though, Oh mg, she called me and and she at first she wanted to be supportive. She wanted to be supportive because she's like, you're my child. And then it was like, now what do I call you? Do I call you gay? Do I call you homosexual? Do I call you a lesbian? What do I call you? And then it went way beyond that. Then it was all about you know, what

does that mean? What do you do? And I was like, okay, now, wait a minute, we're doing too much. It's amazing because people become curious, right, they become comfortable. They feel like they can ask you all of these questions. That's the funny thing about it. So, yeah, she had her wife cornered one time we visited. Yeah, well that's what my wife was saying. And she promises now that never ever stay up without me. She's like going to beds witty, all right, I'm going to bed. She's like, no, too

many questions. I'm gonna stare at the ceiling. But I'm going with you wherever you're going, right, right, But you know, It's so interesting too about siblings. My wife and I've been together twenty eight years and and we got married on our anniversary, and my brother, my younger brother, didn't come to the wedding because his wife had an issue with our relationship. Yeah, so even though you have support and you want to believe universally that the family accepts you,

there's still some things that can stay. Yeah. My thing is, I don't think that I have to go and wear the rainbow flag every day. It's really about respecting who I am, respecting me as an individual, and that's even for family members, right right. I don't care if you accept who I am. It's really about just respecting me.

I respect you, you respect me. I love that. How long did it take for you to get to the point before you said I accept myself and I'm going to accept that you may or may not accept me. I think it probably took me a couple of years, you know, growing, growing pains and just maturing. But you know, I did finally to point, and even now it's like, Okay,

I don't care, it is what it is. I really appreciate you being on and giving the voice from a man's perspective, because it's refreshing to hear that even though it's from two different sexes, the journey is very much the same, the same, the trials, the challenges, the pruning is the same, right, And so I'm glad that self actualization is the same too. Here lately, I'm trying to be the best ally can, right, and you got to call some people out because they're just saying anything, and

it's like that is not successful. Card to your point. To your point, I will say, as a person who wants to genuinely learn, I have never been offended by a question that was authentically coming to me from a place of curiosity and wanting to learn. So I say, continue to make that part of your exploration. I will. The person you've got to be worried about is somebody just like when their own narrative exactly. Oh, I'm just asking questions. No, you're not, don't play on my intelligence.

I just want to make sure that, especially from the young people, we're not creating environments where they have to manipulate or they're you know, working to say what they have to say to please mom, dad, grandma, whoever, may not like their lifestyle like that's so hurtful to see when you know someone's not living in their truths. All safe spaces is the goal. As much as we could

go on, you guys have been amazing. Guess Joy, thank you so much for being here and sharing your journey, not only as a parent but as an individual who's doing your own sexual exploration. I think that's fantastic. Thank you so much. Yes, and thank you Edmund. You woke up like this and we love it. Hopped about the bed. Okay, it's all right exactly. Thank you guys both for joining

us for this episode of Let's Read Table Back. We are going to take a short break, but when we get back, Tracy and I will be breaking down our top five thoughts from this episode. It's time to share our thoughts. So this is presenting Car and Tracy's top five thoughts. This is the part of the show where we speed through five thoughts slash takeaways from the episode. There were so many. I'm so glad we could nail this down to five. Car, all right, come on, let's go. Well,

let's father them off. Who wants to go first? Of course I probably will, so number five. God does not make mistakes. I mean that's it. That's that's the post. He doesn't make mistakes. She he them, she he him heard, they them, does not make mistakes. Love somebody, hell. I love that. Number four, Find your community, because everybody has a community out there somewhere, and that is the truth. That is the truth. And I love the fact that our guests did a great job of sharing how they,

you know, had an organic experience with their communities. And Edmond talked about how he, you know, got his tribe and it's a very small circle. I think we all find that when you get to that mall set. That's the tried and true, and it's usually pretty limited. And Joy has a tribe, but I love how she's able to use her experience to help her child, her teenager world find their tribe. So community is super important. That right,

That's exactly right, that's right. Absolutely. Number three, familial expectations should not determine your life's pass That is very key. I hear a lot of people lately saying leave the toxic going behind, even if it is your family. So I understand that more and more as I understand how people feel and what people are really going through. If it's necessary, then it's necessary. You have to make yourself happy. You can't fulfill someone else's dream, you don't. You have

to live right. How many times have we seen that where it's the business that's the father and sons, and the father expects that the son is going to automatically just take over. I don't want to do this. Absolutely, I love that. Let your family support you, not destroy you. And then number two, be your authentic self. Goes right in line with that. I love that because you just honor yourself if you're trying to do anything else. It's as simple as that. Absolutely, we are as authentic as

it comes. I believe we both know all about that, and I want that for everyone else I come in contact with. So last, but definitely not least. Number one, accept your authentic self. You know, some of us have these quirks, and you know we're dealing with it. But I want you to accept it and I want you to love it back. Whatever that quirk is. That you have love right, and it's important because there's no one else that's like you. You're just exactly the way you're

supposed to be. Enjoy it. Yeah, I love that. We want to know how you're feeling about this new season of Red Table Talk. We are open to talk about anything with you all, so send in your questions at Let's Red Table that's at red table talk dot com. And we are so appreciative of you listening. We want you to make sure that you subscribe on I Heart Radio app and please rate this podcast on Apple podcast. We want a five rating. I'm gonna be clear, don't

we card We want you want five. We'll be back next week for another episode of Let's Red Table Back, Hey Vick. Thank you to the show's producers Alan Jethro, Ellen Rakoton, Kyla Teneiro and Mara Dela Rosa, and our sound engineers Calvin Baylis and Devin Donahe We love you guys. Thank you,