Domestic Abuse: When Love Turns Violent

my mother wasn't one to not tell the truth. This will be the first time that Willow's actually heard these stories about her grandfather, who she knew. Domestic violence is something that affects so many women, and this was one of the most requested topics from our Red Table Talk families. Here we are, Hey, red Table Talk family. How are you doing today? We're talking about a pretty serious subject matter,

domestic violence and abuse some relationships. Jamie had at least one abusive relationship before I was born and even a bit after I was born with my father. What was the worst incident that you experience with my father? Oh? There were so many really, like I have a scar on my back. That's when I you know what, when I asked you about that years ago, that's when I first heard because that's the scar when he threw you

over the banister. Wow. And not to make this like an excuse, because I'm getting ready to make it sound like it's an excuse for him, but he was typically in an altered state when he was abusive like that, a violent drawn See. I was a violent drunk too, That's what I had. Yeah, he was a violent drunk. He gave me a black eye once, Yeah, and I tried to hide it for mommy, but she saw it the first time she ever met Rob. She said, you need to stay away from this guy because I can

see in his eyes something is wrong with him. Something is wrong at home. My mother was a social worker. But I do know when enough gets to be enough and you gotta get out of there. And I actually ran for my life. You ran for your life. Well, what happened was he was angry about something. He came home angry. You and I were at mommy and Daddy's house and he came over there and he was piste off about something. I don't even remember what the argument was about, but he started hitting me and he was

in a rage. I was backing out of Daddy's den into the master bedroom right and you were still in the den, and I said, oh my god, we left, Jada, and I knew that he wasn't gonna hurt you. He left the room to go get you, and I went through the bedroom, out the master bath and down the steps and ran across the street to the neighbor. Got it right across the street to neighbor for them to call get me some help. And yeah, they called the police, and I stayed over there because I knew you that

you were gonna be okay. I knew he wasn't gonna harm you. When the when the police arrived, they were coming in, and that was it, right, you know. My mommy was like, that's that's enough of that. We're done with. Kudos to her, Yeah, we're done here. And I was in full agreement. I wasn't trying to, you know, I just wasn't trying to deal with anymore because he was just out of control, his addiction just he just wasn't rational. I feel like, once again I'm trying to make excuses

for him, and I think that's what people do. But whatever, the reasons were you have to at the end of the day yourself. That's an excuse. I think that's you giving a complete picture because I know that once he did get sober, he was really a gentle experiences with him that are very good, Yeah, but I mean he had his problems. We all know that he had issues and he did not have a pleasant upbringing. But I do know that when we decided, yeah, it's okay, it's okay, sweetie.

That's the only thing about this table being around, it's okay. You know. It's not easy for a lot of different reasons. M hmm. It's not easy to hear that your parents experienced that together. And also for me to the fact that he's gone and can't see his side side. And that's the other thing. Now that I'm older, I have so much more compassion, right and knowing what he had gone through, right, you know, because I was pretty harsh on him. Well don't think we all were. It's hard

not to be. But you know that's why I try to learn to, uh have more understanding, you know, can we get some tissue? I have some summer here? But um, why do you think women stay? I think women stay because they think that they're in love. That's what it was.

For me. I thought that it was love. But I also think that women are afraid and for whatever reason, maybe they feel like they can't make it on their own without the person not having any place to go, it's scary, and you just don't think that you can do better. You and Karen, your sister, both were in very abusive relationships, and I just find that interesting because we didn't see that. You didn't see that. I didn't see that. Mommy and Daddy weren't like that at all,

like in your home. Yeah, I was young, but I don't know where I got the concept in my head that to hit you was a sign of love. So if he if he's hitting you, then that means he loves you, because he wouldn't bother if he didn't love you, So that means he loves you. I've never really had any personal experience in regards to like a physical abuse. Have definitely been in relationships that have been emotionally abusive, Yeah,

big time. I think emotional violence is really prevalent because most of us, once we get into relationships, we're really trying to learn how to love, and most of us are very insecure about it, and our defense mechanisms tend to be a bit violent and harsh and controlling. Yeah, and if you're controlling somebody, you're not really loving them,

because the gift of love encompasses freedom, Yes, exactly. I just think it's so interesting because you know, the idea is that if you grow up in an abusive home, then that's kind of what creates that cycle. And I know for me, I never witnessed any guys that you were dealing with when I was around. Was Yeah, there was no physical because once I had that experience with Rob, I wouldn't accept it from anybody else, so that you

only had it with Russell when that was it? Yeah, because I know for me, you remember that one incident I had with that one guy that I was dating where I had to pull a knife out on him. Right we were coming from a restaurant. He had been drinking and he was driving and he started getting really aggressive in the car. And this is why I always tell you pay attention to your surroundings just in case you gotta make a quick exit. And thank goodness, I knew where I was and I knew how to get

out the car and get to the house. And I ran to the house. I had to take my clothes off, take off my heels, and I always travel with a black Russell hoodie and black Russell sweats just in case something prop First of all, it is my favorite outfit. Something goals, something's popping off. And I remember jumping in that sweatsuit, grabbing a big old knife from the kitchen

and hiding in his son's room. And I never forget he came through the backsliding door like on a creepy creep creep, like he was gonna like sneak up on me or something like that. And I heard him, and I came out of his son's bedroom and I was at the bottom of the hallway and I was like, don't come near me. And he said the quintessential line that you're hearing movies all the time. You think I would hurt you. Yeah, I would. I would never do that to you. And I mean, I was like, oh

my god, I'm in trouble. And you know what, Spike Lee saved me from that one. Because Spike had been calling me about Girl six. I used Spike as an excuse to get on that plane, and he said, right there and there I'll never see you again. Will. I absolutely we're gonna we're gonna figure this out. We're gonna work this out. You know. I got on that plane and he never saw me again until I was with

Will Smith. That's when I saw. We were at a wedding and he he was at the same resort, and I happened to be with Will and that was it. And not a bad guy at all, very sweet guy, but just has those tendencies of violence. But you know that that was all the sign I needed, exactly, That was all the sign I needed. Have you ever Willow encountered anything or I've never encountered anything myself, because You've always told me, like, don't be out with no guys late,

don't be going in their house. So I'm very cautious about all those things. I just try to tell her to be vigilant in regards to how she spends time with male company. Exactly. I know that when we decided to talk about this, we also decided to bring a friend of yours, Crystal and her daughter, who had some recent experience with domestic violence. Can we get Crystal please? Hey, Crystal, thank you so much for joining us, because I know

it ain't easy. Yeah, it ain't easy. But the one thing about this red Table is that our testimonies help others. So let's start first with how you two know each other. Crystal is one of the most popular hairstyl is in Baltimore because she's my hairstyling. And I went into the salon one day and her eye it was messed up, and I was like, what the hell happened to your eye? And she didn't say right away you She was like oh, and I knew right then it was something that she

didn't really want to talk about. Right. I was just like, oh my god, like, I can't lie. It's like lying to my mom. I just love this man so much. And I had to leave the situation and it was toxic. Um. We were just back and forth. It was so much cheating and lying, and I knew I had to, you know, get away, and so I loved him and he called me and he said, I need to see you. I need to see you. It's always the same story. I need to see you, and I'm like, I don't want

to talk. I don't we can't talk. He ended up meeting up with me. He got in the car kind of like force itself, and he was just like, I told you that you cannot be without me, or you can't be with anybody. And I'm like, listen, I'm done, i can't. And then all of a sudden, he just like slams me towards the back of the car and he just like punches me. All of a sudden, I just felt all of this blood coming down my face and I'm just like please stop, like please stop. And

I ended up going to the emergency room. I had to get stitches. And her I remember looking at my daughter. She was like, it's just what you want me to do when I get older, and I'm just like, oh my god, no, and she's like, well, when don't you want to stop because I'm gonna do the same thing. And I'm like I'm sorry. Like I just was like I'm gonna stop, I promise. And it was just so hard because I just felt like he loved me and I loved him, and he kept saying he loved me. First,

he was charming, you know, he was carrying. He would just bring his neck for me, and then the tables just kind of turned. How long were you in the relationship for it was on and off for maybe um five years. I can only imagine what it feels like to love somebody fiercely and then have them punch you, yeah, and have them hit you. I haven't experienced it, but just me, I can feel you. My mom went through it when I was a little girl. We had so

much makeup to like hide the scars. So I felt like, because my mom kept taking my dad back that you know, he loved her, I should do the same thing. And I just kept doing it and kept so. Had this happened more than once with you, Yes, from day one? You know. The first time when I decided to leave him. In the beginning, we got into a big fight and we were just tussling back and forth and we broke up and he was upset about that. So he decided to get me back. He released a not get a

picture of me. Everyone saw the picture, even my daughter's friends, family, everybody saw the photo, and I was just like, how could you do something like this to me? So that's part of that control, sorry control, And he felt like in order to keep me, he would threaten to hurt me. He felt like if anyone saw these pictures of me, they wouldn't want to be with you. You know. He would always say nobody's gonna be with you because of me, like You're always gonna be with me, and I'm like, no,

I'm I'm gonna leave. In all honesty, what gave you the strength this time to leave? I was in just the darkest space. I felt myself at times went and like kill myself, like I don't want to live. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm stressed. My mom is very ill and sorry, I just said I wasn't good right. We got tissue right here. I just always went to my mom for everything that went. I was swearing I couldn't go to

her because I was so scared. You always told me to leave, and I always stayed because I'm like he loves me. He was calling me and he was like, I need to talk to you, and we had already broken up, and he was like, Okay, if you don't want to be with me anymore, I'm gonna put the when the end, and that it was a nothing that can picture of me. It's just like you're gonna do that to me again. It's just like, oh my gude. So I just said, you know what, I can't take it.

I said, I'm gonna put myself out there at this point, and that's when I went in my phone and I boosted the picture of my black eye and the picture that everyone saw. I didn't think it was gonna get all of the responses it that. It was like women regional. They were just like, I've been doing the same thing. I'm sorry you went through this. What really touched me the most was my daughter had called me and she said,

my ticket down. I said no, She said, take it down because you're gonna emburse me and you're gonna emburss yourself because you're gonna take him back. And I was like, I promised you, I won't take him back. At this point, mental and physical would beat all of it. Is just scary. It's in the mental part it's probably the hardest because you hold it in inside. You get into the thieves he's sitting, it's like you want to release it, but it's hard because people will ug you and call you crazy,

but you're not crazy. It's hard to deal with. It's really hard, and it just helped me so much when I just released that, and that was finally the first time where he actually said I'm really gonna leave you alone because he was embarrassed. So let me just I want to be clear about something, because you just made a powerful, powerful, powerful point. Is that when you had the courage to come out and tell your story, other women rallied around you and gave you the strength to

keep going. That's that's powerful. That just goes to show you what sister love will do. And they have no idea how much they have helped me. And I always would say, like, I have to get my power back, not just for myself, but for all the other women. And it seems like your daughter has been a strong, powerful for you too. Yes, your fourteen year old daughter, Selena, who's beautiful and one a full She and Willow got to sit down and have a conversation. Hi. Hi, I'm

so glad you're here. I'm glad here too. This is my dad Selena. Hi, welcome, good, thank you, Hi, nice to meet you. Yeah, it doesn't look too good right now to jump in. I definitely used to jump in. I can't even imagine how it must feel to see your mother, you know, go through the experiences that she's

been through. Yes, it was very stressful because me and my mom didn't have a relationship through all the things, because it was like she was putting him first, or like I was I was getting pushed back, and or she went and listened to me. I was like a goops, do you think you were afraid of him? I was always cautious being came over because I didn't mind anything to Hey. There was from times that I was just like,

I just stated my room and cried. Do you have any advice for any kids going through what you went through? So I just recommend, like, always be there for your mom and always be make sure you for her first, no matter what she made you go through, whatever has happened with your relationship. You know, I always remember that that is your mom, and you know it's been a long journey, and I'm just glad that she's bindably like it's over. That's beautiful. That was real, sister love. That

was really nice. Definitely important. Yeah, one of our favorite parts of the Red Table is getting questions from our Red Table Talk family from the Fishfold fell out. Oh thank you, Todd. All right, let's see Cynthia from Detroit for Jada. My husband followed me to a restaurant the other night because he thinks I'm having an affair. I swear he's just imagining things and he's overly jealous. Is that a warning sign? Or should I be flattered? He cares so much, that's a warning sign. That is not

anything to be flattered about. I don't think, because you gotta have trust, exactly, and you gotta have autonomy. Control is not love and fear. Yeah. I used to think stuff like that was sexy when I was Oh he followed me, and oh, yeah, you think it's cute, and it's not. You know. Yeah, a lot of people crave just to be wanted, you know, and sometimes being wanted is different than being loved. People desiring to feel important, and so when they do something like that, it's like, oh,

like exactly. I felt like the Moor I was Chase store, he was I just suing you. Yes, I just felt like he just loved me so much. It is confusing. Next, do you want to kick one? Okay? He said Francine from Texas for Willow. My boyfriend checks every post that I want to sing out? Is that abuse? Even though he doesn't hit me, He checks every single post before? She posted, very controlling control. Maybe he doesn't want her to like show too much. But that's her decision and

he's got to learn to trust him. And that goes back to the autonomy, like if she want to post and right and if she posts a bikini pick and it makes him, then they can talk about it. Francine, you gotta be like I'm doing mean, you know, one more last one? Susan from Atlanta for the group, What were some of the excuses you made up to explain any bruises that happened from an abusive relationship. I've run out of lies, I've said plenty. Wow, she's run out

of lies. That's scary. It's time to go. It's time to go that. I would tell some of my clients like a cabinet door hit me and the ie or I fell, and you know, people were like, that's not what happened, and you do run out eventually, and it's sad you could just tell like what happened, like because you slipped on ice and it was like not even when it would any ice outside and it was just like, huh ice, where right? Where were you? Somebody like this? It's like you just wanna know how to tell them,

like where can they go? Because at the end of the day, though, the decision is on them because I'm saying, we're all saying that enough is enough and it's time for you to go. It might not be it may not be enough for her because you gotta be ready. Yeah, yeah, you gotta hit your own bottom. Yeah. I just want to say to anybody that is going through any kind of domestic violence, I just hope that this show could give you the courage and the strength and the understanding

to know that there's no reason to be ashamed. There is help, and you deserve better, and we are sending you love and blessings on our next Red Table Talk. I hated being divorced. I hated everything about it. I felt because I was sick. Te Why didn't you fight it. I'm not gonna fight to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. That's when the Red Table turned upside there and it won't be read no more. Yeah. Maybe I should just say pressure arms giving the last

series there? All yes, yes, three, All right, let's go to join the Red Table Talk family and become a part of the conversation. Follow us at Facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook, Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.