Does Porn Ruin Relationships?

the artistic. You know, Jesus, well it's arts. If it's artsy, well, let me tell you, well, I guess I'm not looking at the right stuff, because what do you say? If I was sit there on my porn game, I'll be able to show you some good porn because back in the day, I had a little porn addiction, but I wasn't in a relationship where I had a porn addiction, believe, Thank goodness. I just want you all to know this is a lot for me. It's a lot for you.

It's been a lot for me. You never think your mother has anything to do with porn whatsoever, or your grandchild, because I remember the first time I went on will Lost Tumbler, she was ten or eleven and she said, Mom, and she's very matter of fact, she was like, I'm going to my tumbler page. But as we're going to the tumbler page, you're gonna see a lot of stuff

it has nothing to do with me. So I was like, okay, so she's just scrolling, scrolling, And when I tell you I saw some of the most hardcore porno, it wasn't Mom, it really was. It was hard, It really was. It was she to be seeing that freaking eleven years old, Tom, I don't believe that. No Tombler more of the artistic aspect of it though, not what I saw, well, nothing artistic about that. I saw something that you saw, but yeah,

what I remember graphic what I know about tumbler. I was like Willow, and she was like, don't even pay attention to it. We're getting to my page. I was like, I can't believe kids are exposed to this on a daily basis. I was profoundly disturbed. But the thing that I will say, though, is that because I had you and Daddy to actually like have real conversations with that,

stuff didn't really affect me. Because I knew I had I had a connection with people that I could talk to about it, and you like, what the reality of it was. Let me ask you a question, because back in the day, porn for my generation started in magazines and then you had to like go to a CD store to get a VHS tape, like you had to, like, we didn't have access to it like that. So if you you had to like really going adventure to go see some pornography, whereas for your generation, it's on your phone,

it's porn in your pocket, porn in your pocket. What have you seen in regards to your generation? Do you know boys that are fascinated with porn or like who have a specific I mean, I have two brothers, so they're not addicted to porn. No, they're not addicted to porn. But like, I've done seen some stuff, So what is going on? That's a moment, all right, all right? She's like, I can't take it. I can't. I think I'll probably be in too much shock to even converse about it.

This is the time. No, like that, I don't even know if I want to hear it. Honestly, Oh god, I'm gonna get it out of them, best believe. Let's not stigmatize it. Come on, guys, you know what do you mean? Let's not stigmatize it. You know, people are already having problems with it, so if we stigmatize it, it makes it more shameful, you know, and it makes it so that people don't want to talk about it and then don't heal. It's a slippery slope that it is.

It's a slippery slope. And I know that it's a person balance, Like when is it okay? And when is it just destructive in our relationship? Oh, if it's causing problems in your relationship, that's a tricky sit It's it's tricky. It is true. Icky. Well, we'll take it to the table. This shall be an interesting table today, so please join us. This will not be my favorite show. Let's just put that out there. It will not, you know, my favorite. Let go of the inhibitions, yes, you know. Okay, it's

time to get to get real baby. Here we are at the table to talk about the effects of pornography on relationship relationships. Yeah, this is an interesting one. And I actually feel like I was using maybe addiction a little lightly, And maybe I will say now that I had an unhealthy relationship to porn at one point in my life where I was trying to practice act do you think that fixation on porn came for an emotional it?

Did you know it was actually like feeling like an emptiness at least you think it is exactly, but it's actually not. And I'm actually reading like some of the effects of pornography, like the idea that it really gives you false expectations. As far as sexual interaction, I can definitely see, you know, how a woman should always be willing and ready. He should be able to have sex however he wants in any positions, where like you should enjoy it no matter what, and it shouldn't just be

joy but it should be just exhilarated, you know. And even in pornography, you're never tired, there's never a no, you know. So I can definitely see how that could um create a unrealistic expectation. To me, there's something about porn that's unnatural. Yes, yeah, extremely, I don't have of any qualms. Well, I actually do, you know, But it's not like I, you know, look down on people that use it because you know, it's been beneficial for me

to but has it? Yeah, because I grew up in the household that was just created a lot of shame, which is so interesting because it wasn't like that for you, but it definitely was like that for me. And so you felt like porn helped break the shame, help help you just get more comfortable. There's something about it that was freeing. But that's all. There's also part of like this is a time when you need to have really

really good girlfriends. Yeah, you know, thank you, Terry. Terry talked to me because she was like, look, any sex that you had between you and your husband that you're both in agreement on, it's fine, you know. She she really helped me with that because those internal blockages that make you unable to connect, which then makes you feel

like you have to go to this other source. There are things that I don't like to watch, Like I don't like to watch a lot of abuse and all that slapping women in the face, and like I don't like all of that. Yeah, and then you have that porn that's more sensual. This you know, it's like it's it's very sensual, very done in a very artistic way. You know, you're slow motion and you know, very sensual, more about love making instead of like you know, abuse

and aggression exactly. So you have and you know what I'm saying exactly, and I'm like, listen, believe with my daughter and my granddaughter, I can't believe I'm in this conversation with you, and I gotta hear a terry he's telling you. But you know what, Adrian, it's okay if you to watch a little porn, like really right, it's but yeah, it's girlfriends helpful when you have hang ups. No, definitely,

it is those two schools of thought. You have a lot of women who are like, you know, porn should be totally eradicated, but it's not good in any way, And then you have those women who feel the same way as you do. I've heard lots of women say that it has helped them break their inhibitions in regards to sex, which I do feel as though a lot of women have that to deal with. And let me tell you something, I don't really think we know culturally

what women like in regards to sex. That part because women have always been repressed and allowed to explore in the same way as man. But I definitely think men do perceive sex in a very different way. Of course, I think that that just like men perceived the world in a very different way. Because we hadn't haven't had the freedom, right, you know, we're just getting to the point where we're even given selves the opportunity to explore. So we need years of that before we even know.

Ye will get labeled a slut and a part beat in a minute. And that is that structure that will label a woman as a slut in the hole when she expresses her sexuality and you know, finds joy in sexual pleasure. That's the same structure that is upholding this porn industry. Right, you better talk about it a little girl today. It's really about talking about porn and how

it's caused really detrimental, detrimental. They say one third of people addicted to porn lose their jobs, and they say that porn addicts are three more likely to cheat on their partners. That's what they say. Are they considering that watching the porn is cheating? I think a lot of partners consider even watching porn cheating because it's taking it's

taking attention away from the part their partner. Because there are a lot of porn addicts who lose sexual interests in their partners because the expectation is so different, right, so many of my peers who come to me and are like, my boyfriend likes watching porn, Like I'm not surely, and they're not sure how to like. They're like, oh, I'll try to watch it with him and make it like a thing that I'm involved in, you know what I mean. So it's not just a thing that he

feels like he's doing on his own. You know, there are a lot of couples that say that um porn has a devastating effect on that vash and ship. This brave couple are leaders in a new nationwide movement. They are sharing their story to warn others about the dangers of pornography. Name is Garrett Johnson, twenty nine years old. I have a beautiful wife and we have two kids. What's your name? Dude? This is Rev How old are you? Three years old? This is a did you just turn Tuesday? Book?

My beautiful wife where it was a jazz dancer. She dance for the Utah Jazz our six year anniversaries on Sunday when I was nine years old. That was with my friends. We were start football buddies and we were at a sleepover. That night was the first night that I saw pornography. And I didn't know then that that night would be the beginning of a challenge. As I grew and went into thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen, I would

watch it a few times a week. I just remember thinking, when I got married, I won't have to use pornography anymore. I just continue to say, over and over all, right, this is the last time, and then I'd go through periods would be like, Okay, I'm just gonna do it and just accept it. Well, first, I want to say thank you, really honestly for just you know, being willing to come here and share your story. It's not easy. It's not easy to do, and there's so many people

who are dealing with this issue and their relationships. I honestly, when I watched your episodes, I'm like, man, this table is going to change the world. Those conversations are important. So we're excited to be here. Well, thank you, thank you. So when did you realize that you actually had a problem. When I was nine, I was when I was first exposed, and I was very open. I didn't feel guilty about it. My friends and I would watch porn even together sometimes,

and that was kind of common practicing. That's what happened to me. I was around like eleven, but all my girlfriends were like, oh, like you should watch and I was like, I'm not really sure. Fast forward to two thousand seven, and that's when like the first versions of smartphones coming out, right, So for me, that's when the concept of more and more often and a more hardcore version came into place, okay, and then ramped up real

quick with the technology. Technology. God, that's the game changer. I grew up in a house that taught that it's important to treat people with respect, and that's important to treat women with respect and to be honest. And so I think when I started to realize that I had a challenge of pornography was when we started dating, and then I didn't feel comfortable telling her how often were you looking at points every day? Every day? Did you feel any like like before he told you, did you

feel like there might have been something? You know? It's what's interesting is there were no red flags. But also for me, like even when we were dating, there was never the question. It just wasn't an issue, Like in my mind, you didn't think of something that was brought to my attention. So you guys got married and then through four years of marriage, and I was able to hide it from her because I did not want to tell her. Not only am I deceiving her, I'm deceiving myself.

Got it all the sneaking around like all that. How did you feel like it was that hard to sneak around it? Because this is rectangle, my poet, It's not a boxing magazine in the bathroom anytime was there as a closed door exactly thinking or questioning it? You didn't want to tell her why I didn't want to tell her because I love her so much and they didn't want to care about her so much. Yeah, Like I talked about it with my friends, but it wasn't serious discussion.

It wasn't like, hey, dude, like I'm having a challenge, this is affective. The ways I didn't know it wasn't getting vulnerable and so going into her I couldn't talk to her about it because you couldn't go to that vulnerable space. And so I was like, I'm gonna handle by myself over and over and over and over and over. I tried to stop and could not stop over and over. Wow, what would you say was your lowest moment? I think for me, it was like when I finally told Aerial

the truth. I think that was probably the lowest moment. What made you tell me I was sick of How did that make you feel when he came to you and said that he was trying to stop or that he was even engaging? Yeah, so it was it was like late at night, we were laying in bed, and I could tell that he was very restless. Yeah, He's like, I got something to tell you, and I'm like, what

is it going to be? And you know, your stomach and your nerves and everything, just like everything I'm thinking is like Clara up here, and I'm like, is he gonna leave me to eatcheat on me? And then he told me that and I was like like I didn't know what to say. It's like numb almost, and kind of hurt a little bit because at the time, for a moment, I was like, well, we're not good enough for him, you know, like they we're not giving him

what he needs. So for short while I kind of went into denial and kind of was like put it back here. And it it was like, you know, with that, put it back here, and we're not going to talk about it for a couple of weeks. How do you think it affected your relationship? It's still kind of happening, like we're still figuring it out. And I think one thing is the unrealistic expectation of sex in a relationship.

Got it. So I'm his wife and he's my husband, and we're supposed to have sex or have sex all the time because pornography has puts unrealistic expectations in people's minds after they've watched it. When I'm ready, you should always be ready and be very ready. Yeah, but nothing about about how she performed or are times I think afterwards where in my mind I was like, because I

never watched porn. Really, I find it very interesting that he has an addiction and you never watched it, so you don't even you don't know even know what that is. That's insecurity in your mind, right, it's like, what do they look like? How do I look compared to there? To what you're watching? Right? And I mean, we would always fulfill each other's needs. But even after he told you you weren't like you was after he told me that you were like and I didn't even still there.

Oh wow. I asked him some questions, but it took me several weeks to get there. Took me some weeks to ask him what kind of how much, how exactly?

You know, the arguments would come up because I enjoy sex, I enjoy being intimate with my husband, but there were times when I didn't want to kind of what you said, and yeah, exactly, and there are times where you're just tired to sleep, and I think that's what caused the negative feelings, the arguments, And it would happen several times a year, you know, and when I would say no, then he would kind of get really frustrated and we would argue about it. It would become a big issue.

Just three months ago, we're getting physically intimate, right and Ariel in her like a very considerate way, She's like, I'm not in the mood, you know, like she was vibing it a little bit. But then she's like, I'm not in the mood. I snapped, like in an emotional way. We got into an argument. Ria left she was like, don't touch me. You know. She left the house at eleven PM. And I want to hear it anymore. Yeah, And it's embarrassing to talk about, to be honest, because

I'm like, shoot, I gave her space. I didn't text her or anything. I was like, oh man, what did I just do? Did I just ruin it? We've had this argument several times. She slept over in her mom's house, but I didn't know that, and then it's embarrassing again. It's like your mother in law, what got you home from your mother's house from that night? I fight for my family. Garrets are really good man, and I love him, so I didn't want to leave him right, but I

was sick of the issues. So I needed him to come to an understanding of like, if I say no, it doesn't mean anything against you. It doesn't mean I don't love it. I mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean I don't want to have a connection. Because I took it as like you don't find me attractive, And that's what happens to most, at least in my experience with Meg. You say no, and it's like you don't like me, you don't love me, you don't want me, and it's like, no, I just don't feel like sleeping

with you. So one of my questions is just because she said no, right, why did I take that personally? Right? Did you get to answer that for yourself. In my opinion, it was my favorite aha moment. Corn is always there. The major difference is instant gratification and defer, yes, did you seek any outside help? To be honest, we didn't have the money to do therapy spend this type of money every week on therapy. Right The way we sought help was the online program, and that helped got it

to start increasing my awareness. Why was I consuming pornography? When was I consuming pornography so fast? Forwards? Today two thousand nineteen is like three years and I don't have a challenge with pornography anymore. Kudos to you, yea honestly man, So I was turning thirty years old and I'm sick

of no one talking about this. And I found out that I was good at endurance events because I've done a full iron Man and finished, and so I used that skill of finishing endurance events and I'm like, I'm gonna do thirty marathons in thirty days while wearing handcuffs, and the handcuffs represented like the the addictive nature of

pornography in this healing process. Between the two of you, have you seen a difference in the intimacy aspect and I'm not just talking about sex, because there's also a big difference between sex and intimacy. Zero intimacy, right, you know, that's a very good point, and realizing you're not always entitled and then sometimes it is just about talking and holding or what have you, which I think was another

thing because I'd be scared to cuddle. I'd be scared for him to touch me because I'm before he told me about this challenge, because I'm like, I don't want to have sex. I don't want to do it tonight. Don't you don't touch my hand, don't put right. I don't always seem to turn into And we're still working on that. Just even just like a week ago. I remember I was like, let's cuddle and we were in bed. I'd go to bed and she's like, and I'm like, no sex, just cuddle. The pressure was taken off, so

then you could just enjoy being your husband's off. So we're still working on it. But would you have any advice for the women out there that might be dealing with It's so tough because you feel judged. You know, you feel like, here's this amazing couple who does great things that you don't have any issues. Like you see everything on Instagram, you know, I think everything is perfect and like, Okay, this is really embarrassing and my husband has this issue and now I'm a part of it.

But just from my experience, my personal experience, I didn't judge Garrett for what he had to go through and what he was going through, and I feel like I have a lot of compassion for him. And we have three kids at home and I'm working mom. So my biggest advice would be, if you can, depending on this situation, if you can be patient, love them as much as you can to help them through it, because I think the worst thing you can do, again, depending on the situation,

it scold them because they've already felt guilt. Yeah, thank you, guys, Thank you. I've got a real education today. You guys are really wonderful. This is good. Can I do like that? Hey, you guys, We've got Ariel and Garrett here. It may be so kind to come and talk to us about the effects of pornography in relationships. Bifout for smiling or no Hey r T T family. Join our Red Table talk group on Facebook. Become part of the conversation. To join the Red Table Talk family and become a part

of the conversation. Follow us at facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook, Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.