Confronting Mental Illness

own suicidal thoughts, my own depression. Kick Cutty is an award winning hip hop icon and an inspiration to millions. Kick Cutty is one of the main dudes I listened to you all the time. He saved my life. You saved my life. I would to kill myself, but that there's me. Any if you're twenty five and under, I truly believe that Kick Cutty say of joy. This usually very private star shocked his fans with a Facebook post revealing his struggle with anxiety, depression, and suicidal urges. Cut

He shared this time I fixed me. Being that he's his hip hop icon, a lot of people would think that he would be exempt from that kind of suffering, but he's not. None of us are here. We are at the red table ladies once again. Today's subject matter is mental illness. I think there's such a stigma and oh, absolutely, you know. And I think also how we define it. I call it emotional. Oh, because mental illness can be a little extreme. Sometimes think that emotional illness can cause

mental disturbances. Sometimes the chemicals are just you know, just all that. That's a lot of what mental illnesses. Yeah, the root of it could be emotional instability. The root of it could be the final imbalanceal imbalanced. I would say for me, I had an emotional breakdown that definitely I feel like affected my mental stability. I had gotten to l A and gotten a certain amount of success and realized that that wasn't the answer, that that wasn't

what was going to make everything okay. Actually made things worse, and I became extremely suicidal and I had complete emotional collapse. How old was that the twenty I guess I called gam in a panic. It's like when you just don't have control over your emotions, your your all. You feel completely and utterly out of control. And I don't even think at that particular point of time, I understood what I was going through. Now I know that it was

what people would consider a nervous breaking. I absolutely understood that I didn't know what was going on. I understood it. But it was also a time where I really felt really powerless, you know, like I didn't know and I really know what to do to help her. I know we needed professional help, but yeah, you cannot manage yourself.

Every moment of the day. You're talking to yourself, trying to keep yourself on track, like don't do that, trying to keep yourself safe, trying to keep you trying to keep yourself from hurting, from hurting yourself, trying to keep yourself from other people realizing that something's wrong. But they know something's wrong because every minute I was just bursting into tears and didn't know why, you know, and just trying to figure out how to deal with the pain

that you're feeling inside. I don't know why. I felt like, for some reason, and once I became successful, that I would be kind of like exempt, bro, you know what I mean, thinking, Oh, all of my problems are going to go away now that you know I'm successful. Exactly money, exactly, you know. I was in an environment. For such a long time, I got stuck in a mentality that even with success, it was very hard for me to get out of, meaning like not really being able to embrace

the opportunity that I had. I was still holding on to the idea of deprivation and loss and having a lot of guilt and shame that came with my success, like you have to leave so many people behind, and that was depressed. How do you guys feel about because you know, this is always a big controversy too, is adding medication For some people it does help. They put me on prozac for it was like five milligrams, but once to disrupted my sex drive. I said, look, that's

the only thing I got in my life. I was like, that's the one thing that particularly up. That was the thing that got me off of prozac. They had put me on it to just get me to a place where I could talk about what was happening, and then where you could function, where I could function get up in the morning exactly, you couldn't get up like I was severely depressed, severely and that was something that I

battled with four years. Waking up in the morning was like the worst part of the dead, it's just like huh. And then it would take me, it would take me hours to just get into and so by the time like the evening time came, I was like I was at least like okay, yeah, I'm good. But then you go to sleep again and then you restarted. Yeah, you gotta restart. And so then once I got off the prozac, I went on a long, long, long, long journey. I learned how to manage it to a certain degree, but

it was a struggle finding your own path. And that it's difficult too, because like we went through a couple of therapists, just therapy just didn't work. And that's not to say that that's not the path for some people. Medication does work. I'm absolutely therapy does work. So not only does it work, but it's it's necessary medication. So I just had to find my path, which is why it probably took as long as it did. And you know, now,

thankfully I don't get depressed. You know. I also think that I had to uproot some false beliefs and I had to just let go, you know, and just come to terms with just what life is and what your life right, what my life is. It was at the time. We have one of the most influential artists, one of my favorite artists, this particular artists. He has been a superstar icon voice of the children of this generation, my kids.

He has been their inspiration, their motivation. Yeah, and as a mom, I'm so grateful for him because he's been so good to my children. And it's kid cutting and kid cutty. He um, he's had it was good good. I'm the grandmother. Have a scene. Now I have to have just a mom fan moment. Can I do that for a second. It's very rare that people get to meet their idols, right, and not only get to meet their idols, but their idols live up to who they

have imagined them to be. And you have been just such a huge inspiration to every child in this house. And then but then that the opportunity to hang with you, work with you, with you, you know, to have your support. As a mom, I just want to thank you. Oh, that's no problem. Phenomenal job and will they are amazing. I have to be honest, I'm sixty five, I'm not fulfiliar with your music, But do you understand the effect

that you have on your fan base? Like Willow and Jaden and Trey even just crazy about it seems like the whole generation, the whole generation. Do you understand that about yourself? It's kind of crazy. I tell me if I'm wrong. But I feel like at a certain point, like when you hear it so much and when it's so apparent, you're like, I get it, and I wanna I wanna live up to that, you know, And well that's where most of the bad stuff came in, because I was like, I have to live up to be

this person exactly, and I don't feel like that. Yeah. Yeah, like doing a comedy, but you're miserable. It's like my life was like this show and I was always supposed to be on, but like when the show was over, I was completely miserable. For a long time. I was not happy when I woke up in the morning. It started off with something simple as that, just being like, why don't I feel okay? Yeah, you know, and not really knowing what that was. I thought maybe it was

stress or something. At that point, I was doing an album every year, so I thought maybe I was just overdoing it and I needed to take a break. It took me a minute to realize there was something going wrong with me. I thought I was past this in my life, you know, so you had experienced it before, Yeah, I did. Ten I was dealing with drugs at that time. I kind of got to that place of like, you know what, I'm in the party a little bit to try to like doctor this up and maybe maybe that

will be okay. You know. That was before I kind of dealt with being famous and being successful and all that, because that was weird for me early on. It happened really fast for me, and like nobody coached me, no, no mentorship, Like I just was kind of like, yeah, I was a kid, is still a kid, you know. And it was a shock for me. And it was drugs that helped me find my footage, you know what I'm saying. It was like, oh, maybe if I tried drugs, maybe I could be okay. We're in the studio too

late night to like the wee hours. And that was the first time I tried cocaine. And from there it was just like I was on it. So then I got arrested and I got off of it quick cold turkey. I thought that was behind me. Fast forward to this album coming out two thousand and sixteen. I was editing the videos after after we did the video, which was really one of the best experiences. The music video was crazy because it was like that smile in the video, you know that that was a happy moment before it

really got bad. Like I was happy with my work, but when I wasn't at work, it was a nightmare it. You know, I'm just trying to keep it together because Kick Cutty, everybody's like he Roll and this person that you look up to. So I didn't want to let anybody down, you know. But the same old thing. To

find my footing, I chose to use drugs. So like I'm editing these videos, I'm sneaking off, I'm doing cocaine in the bathroom, getting loaded, drinking every day, like back to like how I used to do it all day long, and just going to the bathroom and just like doing

a couple of bumps. So did you feel like your depression was a result of the using Did you feel like you were depressed already and you were using to try to manage your depression, that you were using to try to manage the depression that already was there, right right, Anybody tried to reach out to you and be like, hey, what's up, Like, not really because it's a very private thing. I was dealing with my alone. I never like did

drugs around a bunch of people. Like there's nobody in this industry that can say, oh, yeah, I was with Cutty and we did some game, Like I was really good at keeping my troubles hidden, even from your friends, even from my friends. I understand, Like, I really like

good with that. You can become a master about. And it's like scary because it's when you hear people say like, well, I had no clue, and then they feel like I want to be your friend, like I want to be there for you, and it's like, dang, you're going through all of this and I was so unaware. Like that kind of makes them feel like damn, like I'm not really doing my job as a friend trying to you know. It's sometimes when I let them know that it's not

their fault, right, it was me. You know. I really went out my way to keep what I was going through hidden because I was ashamed. Wow, that's interesting, But I think that's why I quit the first time, because I got arrested and then everybody knew by it. But it wasn't like I quit for the right reasons. I didn't quit because it wasn't good for me. But I was really worried and I kind of like had that moment when I was just like do I really want to get back on drugs and do cocaine again? Like

do I really want to take this journey? At thirty two? You know? I woke up one morning and I was just thinking like, man, this isn't healthy, and I don't know what else to do but get some help and find someplace I can go. And I found a place. My buddy didn't comes over and I'm like, I think I need to go to rehab, and he's like yes, because he's just like he's just like what, I'm with you. I'm supportive, you know. So then I was like, Okay, the only way I'm going to go to rehab is

if I get loaded. That's that's the only way. And I found out that that's a lot of people go to rehab loaded absolutely, because that's your last opportunity if you're serious about it has to be. So you were loaded on your liquor? How long were you there for? I was there for a month. Yeah, you did your full time, man, So what help do you think you received from the treatment? Because it had for you, it had to have been more than just not using Yeah. Yeah, Yeah.

It was a lot of talking. One thing that I didn't have in my life, you know, like I don't like working through your emotions, talking about the core of it, like yeah, And I don't think I ever really did that in my life, Like I never really like thought about, Ah, why am I depressed? Were you able to reach that

core of sadness? Yeah, because you know, I thought that it was stuff from years ago when I was a kid, like for my father dying when I was eleven, and you know, and then my cousin dying and my favorite uncle dying like three years in a row. It was just like realizing these things and being okay with it, finding peace with it, you know, because I don't think I ever really found peace with my father's death. There was nobody that came to me and asked me if

I was all right with that. It just happened. So what happened to your dad? He passed away from cancer? Okay? I was so. My mom and dad divorced when I was three, but my dad was very much in my life. And I'm the youngest of for so I was a baby. So yeah, that was really tough for me. What tools were you given in order to deal with your feelings? Um,

whenever those feelings of depression come up? I know for me personally, that's been a bit part of my journey, just along the way, just constantly grabbing Okay, this tool works. You know. Even sometimes at night I'll go to the

beach and just sit with the ocean. You know, as simple as that might be, it brings me happiness, you know, right, Well, that's what some of the things would be like, you know, finding the things that make you happy, doing those things, right, So even something that's simple is just like getting outside seeing things, you know, and and then talking. Like me and my mom have an excellent relationship, So like talking to her more because I didn't really talk to her

about what was going on. You know. Did you not talk to her because you felt like you were burdening her or I just didn't want to worry, you know. I so understand that. So get that, and you're you're thinking in your mind, I got this. I don't need to bring anybody else into this until eventually you're in the hole so deep, you like, somebody better come home, love it, Mommy, get me. It's bad, it's bad you

don't come down. Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm blessed to just have that with my mom and have that connection with my family and my siblings, you know, and that they were there for me. It's really awesome. Yeah, that's that's that's so important. That brings up a big point Cutti, is like we have to have trust that people can help. How long have you been clean now, Um, it's been two years to half years. Yeah, that's good. It's a

beautiful thing. I think just getting back out into the world doing what I love again has really been big for me, you know. Um. But then also spending time with my daughter. Oh yes, I was your and my daughter is my world. So that's really what helped me snap out of it and get some help because she's everything, you know, that's my little homie. We need those things,

I know, for my kids. Lord, they definitely kept me from doing some deep destructive, self destructive things, you know, and they just kept me on the path until I could find the answer for myself. It is important for those of us who are going through a difficult time to find that thing that can just keep my head above water, you know, and that's sometimes that's if that's all we have, that's okay, you know, it's okay. What keeps on coming back is this emotional and mental illness.

And I feel like I've been seeing so much of that recently, UM, like with Mac Miller passing and that that just like took me for a loop because so many young people are just dying because of trying to satiate those emotions with drugs. I'm just seeing it more and I feel like it's becoming such a huge problem amongst the youth. While new Mac and um, it was just one of those things that was devastating and I

still have a hard time dealing with it. He was a sweet kid, had a big heart, He was really nice, he was he was awesome. UM. So his struggles with addiction was not a secret, right like yours was a secret. Yeah. I think I think towards the people found out what he was dealing with. It seems like to me, though, these mental issues that we have, whether it's depression, UM, how it tends to cross over into um drugs as a solution, but that it starts with with emotional. Yeah,

some kind of mental necessity. I have anxiety or you know, I'm depressed. So this is the thing that keeps me able to do I work teached me afloat. You know, you're anxious, you had a hard day. What do you do when you come home for work? You get a drink? Right? You know. I didn't know mac Miller, but once again, when I looked at his circumstances, I just felt for

him because I just I knew. I was like, that could have been me easily, you know, because I was the same way in my depression, using ecstasy, drinking a whole lot, you know, and smoking a bunch of weed and trying to just find some peace in my mind. It's like I knew I was doing ecstasy because I wanted the party. I was doing ecstasy we and a bottle of cavassi, A okay, because I wanted to get right.

I wasn't making the connection, and I knew. I was like, and maybe it had to do with because of my history with you, but it's like I knew I was on my on the course to addiction. I was very clear about that. I was just like, all right, we're gonna keep talking. This proud baby, We're gonna see we thank you. But just now you know what I'm saying. So maybe we're just all in a whole lot of pain and we just give it. It's just like bunk it. We all and this makes us feel good, period. And

the law it's It's really interesting though. It's something I have to keep I have to keep exploring and think about. The One thing that I've learned about the Red Table is that testimony is so much more powerful than even advice, like just people to know they're not alone. Real talk guys, thank you, thank you. Yeah, this is awesome. Yeah, definitely that was it. But I do want to introduce this somebody from our staff. Cutty. I got the end of Ghosts tattoos on my arm. I hope they understand that.

I really understand that they don't understand. Yeah, I had to get it. Man. Ad meant a lot to me personally. But I went through a lot when I was When I was younger, my brother was killed and when I was first grade, I think we went to visit my grandmother. She was in the hospital and she ended up passing that day. Three or four years later, my cousin was

murdered in the drive bine in southern California. All that happened, and I try not to not to care about like people around me or things around me, and just shut everything off, bottle everything in. And I started getting a lot of trouble, like fighting, trouble with the police. Like I didn't have any friends at that moment. I just moved and Man on the Move two had just came out. Every single day, I think I listened to that album. The album like helped get it like all way more

than I think anything else did. Yeah, right on to join the Red Table Talk family and become a part of the conversation. Follow us at facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.